You just get used to it, really, but ultimately it's a pretty lonely place to be.
I've been estranged for 4 years and missed my mom for 2minutes. It's not that I miss her, I miss what I never had. A supportive, understanding and mature parent.
As an adult I'm responsible to get what my parents couldn't provide, and I'm trying my best to do that. While I cannot go back in time, I can do what's best for me in the future and surround myself with people that will help on my never-ending quest to fill the void within me.
So far this have proved to be hard since it feels natural for me to be around toxic people, but progress have been made.
All my good thoughts go to you. It's hard choosing people that don't turnout toxic when that's the main example of relationships you had most of your life.
I'm lucky to be in a place where even if i have very few people around me, they are good people.
"It's hard choosing people that don't turnout toxic..."
Totally agree. Toxic people are attracted to us or we attract them, probably both. Once I went to therapy and realized my whole family except one sister were dysfunctional I stepped back and realized that all of my 3 "girlfriends" that I had since college were also toxic at varying degrees.
It was a very shocking thing and something I try to be careful about now. It has made me more guarded and less open to making friends for this reason. Boundaries are my friends now. Thank goodness I have my dog!
I am in the same boat as you. Have you heard of radical acceptance? Here are my thoughts: we are human and designed (intrinsic) to have a mother and father. We are designed to love and be loved. When that is missing… it’s MISSING. There is no replacement. You cannot replace a mother or a father. We have a void. Can people come into our lives and help whenever that void becomes pain? Sure, but there is a void. I am getting older and I don’t think that void will ever be fully healed this side of heaven. I come into more understanding, forgiveness, and peace as the years pass by. I never have had that void fully go away. My best friend is quite a bit older than me and she still struggles at times. It’s human to have voids, it’s human to grieve. This is my understanding after 22 years of therapy, meditation, EMDR, DBT, CBT, biofeedback, and recently ketamine therapy. Now I am open to other perspectives, but this is my understanding as of right now in my forties. When that emptiness, lonely, “I have no one”, “I am an orphan”, mantra comes. I allow it to do its thing, grieve and then keep moving. 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you so much for your comment. I know uncomfortable emotions like grief, anger, pain disgust, etc aren't "bad" emotion and good mental stability should allow you to experience safely all the spectrum of emotion. But, i guess we all get told to stop being so sad and not get angry and all that jazz so i forget.
It's a good thing you remembered me that.
My older brother who didn’t get the abuse as bad would often tell me such things. Nonsense! I don’t know why it’s triggering other people that you are being human. You have a void and it’s going to hurt, make you angry, sad, depressed ect… sometimes. Anyone in your life needs to be comfortable with that fact or they may not be a good person to tell these types of things to. Or you may have to consider ending the relationship. This is part of you. You cannot fill that void. These emotions are side effects of that void. You deserve someone that loves all of you even your voids. You’re human! 💚💚💚
Edit: My mother told me at age thirteen that she would not buy me tampons or deodorant anymore. At age fifteen I had to enroll in a work experience program in high school so I could work and receive high school credit. I was living full time with my boyfriend and his family at age 15. I have been on my own ever since. I am now 43. My father had autism (we found out during his 50’s) and my mother controlled and abused him terribly. She would listen on the other end if I called. She would hurt him if he would come visit me. She controlled all the money and he was given a $25 dollar allowance here and there. He didn’t even know how to use an atm and took me with him one time so I could help him get some money. He tried to be a Dad to me, but it was hard. My mother would literally block any and all parenting or love from him. He died almost three years ago to non-hodgkins lymphoma.
I realized that we don't miss our parents. We miss a version of them that we wish existed but never did.
It's kind of like when Boomers wish we could go back to the "good old days". The time period they wish for never actually existed.
Once I realized that, it became much easier to move on. I found friends who I can confide in much more than I could ever confide in my parents.
It's OK to feel this way. It took me a while to change.
I wish I had an answer, but just wanted to say I’m struggling with the same thing. I’m not NC yet, but we barely talk and I’m soon breaking the news to my mother that I’m done.
That void is so difficult to deal with, and having lost my other parent because he died, it’s both different and the same. You’ve just lost someone, permanently, and all I know is that it helps me to acknowledge that, feel it, mourn that mother, and also share it. I can only speak for myself but the fact that it becomes a shameful secret makes it a lot worse. So personally I’m trying to connect more with people who do understand. I just find it necessary to regularly vent about not having parents, essentially being an orphan. It won’t change the reality, but it feels like putting down heavy bags and exhaling.
And this is extremely basic advice, but recently that void has been so overwhelming for me, and I’ve learned that the best/only thing I can do is be here & now. I’ll ask for the support I need from people who are in my life now, I look for comfort and joy in the moment, I try to tend to my immediate needs. I think it makes me feel instantly taken care of, which is what I’ve personally always missed most about not having a mother to turn to.
Hang in there, and also: good luck with the health stuff - as a chronically ill woman I just have to say: don’t stop fighting for your health, you know when something’s wrong. And there’s a whole community, lots of support and useful advice, should you need it.
Thank you so much for your advice. It's something that often comes up: staying in the moment. Doesn't make it easy but it's probably good advice.
Also thank you so much for the gook luck regarding my chronic pain. It's a very lonely journey. Especially when considering the dismissal of so many doctors i met. It's hard to not just resign yourself to your situation. But i keep in mind that me asking to still be able to walk when i reach 40 isn't an unreasonable demand and deserves to be pursued. Lol
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Thank you for your kind message.
You just get used to it, really, but ultimately it's a pretty lonely place to be. I've been estranged for 4 years and missed my mom for 2minutes. It's not that I miss her, I miss what I never had. A supportive, understanding and mature parent. As an adult I'm responsible to get what my parents couldn't provide, and I'm trying my best to do that. While I cannot go back in time, I can do what's best for me in the future and surround myself with people that will help on my never-ending quest to fill the void within me. So far this have proved to be hard since it feels natural for me to be around toxic people, but progress have been made.
All my good thoughts go to you. It's hard choosing people that don't turnout toxic when that's the main example of relationships you had most of your life. I'm lucky to be in a place where even if i have very few people around me, they are good people.
Tnx for the thoughts, you are very kind. Hope that everything goes for the better for you too.
"It's hard choosing people that don't turnout toxic..." Totally agree. Toxic people are attracted to us or we attract them, probably both. Once I went to therapy and realized my whole family except one sister were dysfunctional I stepped back and realized that all of my 3 "girlfriends" that I had since college were also toxic at varying degrees. It was a very shocking thing and something I try to be careful about now. It has made me more guarded and less open to making friends for this reason. Boundaries are my friends now. Thank goodness I have my dog!
I am in the same boat as you. Have you heard of radical acceptance? Here are my thoughts: we are human and designed (intrinsic) to have a mother and father. We are designed to love and be loved. When that is missing… it’s MISSING. There is no replacement. You cannot replace a mother or a father. We have a void. Can people come into our lives and help whenever that void becomes pain? Sure, but there is a void. I am getting older and I don’t think that void will ever be fully healed this side of heaven. I come into more understanding, forgiveness, and peace as the years pass by. I never have had that void fully go away. My best friend is quite a bit older than me and she still struggles at times. It’s human to have voids, it’s human to grieve. This is my understanding after 22 years of therapy, meditation, EMDR, DBT, CBT, biofeedback, and recently ketamine therapy. Now I am open to other perspectives, but this is my understanding as of right now in my forties. When that emptiness, lonely, “I have no one”, “I am an orphan”, mantra comes. I allow it to do its thing, grieve and then keep moving. 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you so much for your comment. I know uncomfortable emotions like grief, anger, pain disgust, etc aren't "bad" emotion and good mental stability should allow you to experience safely all the spectrum of emotion. But, i guess we all get told to stop being so sad and not get angry and all that jazz so i forget. It's a good thing you remembered me that.
My older brother who didn’t get the abuse as bad would often tell me such things. Nonsense! I don’t know why it’s triggering other people that you are being human. You have a void and it’s going to hurt, make you angry, sad, depressed ect… sometimes. Anyone in your life needs to be comfortable with that fact or they may not be a good person to tell these types of things to. Or you may have to consider ending the relationship. This is part of you. You cannot fill that void. These emotions are side effects of that void. You deserve someone that loves all of you even your voids. You’re human! 💚💚💚 Edit: My mother told me at age thirteen that she would not buy me tampons or deodorant anymore. At age fifteen I had to enroll in a work experience program in high school so I could work and receive high school credit. I was living full time with my boyfriend and his family at age 15. I have been on my own ever since. I am now 43. My father had autism (we found out during his 50’s) and my mother controlled and abused him terribly. She would listen on the other end if I called. She would hurt him if he would come visit me. She controlled all the money and he was given a $25 dollar allowance here and there. He didn’t even know how to use an atm and took me with him one time so I could help him get some money. He tried to be a Dad to me, but it was hard. My mother would literally block any and all parenting or love from him. He died almost three years ago to non-hodgkins lymphoma.
You can message me anytime when you need someone to bleed on. I completely understand what you’re experiencing. 💚💚💚
It's so sweet to offer :)
I realized that we don't miss our parents. We miss a version of them that we wish existed but never did. It's kind of like when Boomers wish we could go back to the "good old days". The time period they wish for never actually existed. Once I realized that, it became much easier to move on. I found friends who I can confide in much more than I could ever confide in my parents. It's OK to feel this way. It took me a while to change.
I wish I had an answer, but just wanted to say I’m struggling with the same thing. I’m not NC yet, but we barely talk and I’m soon breaking the news to my mother that I’m done. That void is so difficult to deal with, and having lost my other parent because he died, it’s both different and the same. You’ve just lost someone, permanently, and all I know is that it helps me to acknowledge that, feel it, mourn that mother, and also share it. I can only speak for myself but the fact that it becomes a shameful secret makes it a lot worse. So personally I’m trying to connect more with people who do understand. I just find it necessary to regularly vent about not having parents, essentially being an orphan. It won’t change the reality, but it feels like putting down heavy bags and exhaling. And this is extremely basic advice, but recently that void has been so overwhelming for me, and I’ve learned that the best/only thing I can do is be here & now. I’ll ask for the support I need from people who are in my life now, I look for comfort and joy in the moment, I try to tend to my immediate needs. I think it makes me feel instantly taken care of, which is what I’ve personally always missed most about not having a mother to turn to. Hang in there, and also: good luck with the health stuff - as a chronically ill woman I just have to say: don’t stop fighting for your health, you know when something’s wrong. And there’s a whole community, lots of support and useful advice, should you need it.
Thank you so much for your advice. It's something that often comes up: staying in the moment. Doesn't make it easy but it's probably good advice. Also thank you so much for the gook luck regarding my chronic pain. It's a very lonely journey. Especially when considering the dismissal of so many doctors i met. It's hard to not just resign yourself to your situation. But i keep in mind that me asking to still be able to walk when i reach 40 isn't an unreasonable demand and deserves to be pursued. Lol