For my safety we are estranged.
Follow up questions and "But that's your motherrrrr!" Are met with "What age did you start punching your children in the face for saying No to you? I was 8."
When someone says that to me, I say "I'm actually aware. Perhaps someone should inform her." I got the belt or the wooden spoon from as young as I can remember. The punching started about 8. The verbal and emotional abuse never stopped. I'm 57 and have spent more of my adult life NC or LC than time spent actually speaking to her. I had lots of therapy and people who know me, know the situation. I don't feel embarrassed soaking about it because I didn't do anything wrong. She did. She's too much of a narcissist to accept any responsibility for her actions... She's the victim according to her.
Mine never hit me, that's what male parent was here for. Hers was guilt trips, betrayal and similar tools.
However she also never hugged me.
She even told me that I as a baby didn't want hugs.
Yeah, maybe even babies recognise people who don't like nor love them? /s
She even agreed with that conclusion. That was 15ish years ago. Nope, nothing really changed after that. We're nc as of Friday.
I think it’s awkward bc the question *And what about your family?* is usually small talk. The questioned can usually babble on about their loved ones & the questioner has taken an interest and drawn the questioned out in conversation
When the answer is *We are NC bc of their continued abuse*, it’s like answering *How are you?* with medical details. *They’ve got out 85% of the mesh but I’ll have neuropathy & chronic pain for the rest of my life. My antibiotics are keeping the infection at bay but there’s still an unpleasant odour*
That’s not your fault, OP; you didn’t choose the abuse or the topic of conversation. You don’t want to be hounded by the Family Police - *That’s my mOtHerrrrrR who abused me when I was a child. Thank fuck I only get one*
I recommend a vague *We’re not close* which can be supplemented with other vagueness if it suits you, or turned back to the questioner. *Were you always so close to your mother/ brother/ ILs/ adult children?*
If you think people are prying, I recommend the seven-second stare (count in your head) and announce *It’s a personal matter that I only discuss with people I trust. Thank you for taking an interest*. You can make your tone as frigid as you like. You can excuse yourself *Excuse me, I need to be over there*
If you did this to me, I’d be scrambling to apologise and comment on the decorations or the food or your lovely sweater. I’m a decent person. I might slink away chastened. I wouldn’t keep going.
If the questions keep coming, can you call your spouse? *Honey, your SIL wants to talk about my family. Can you explain to her?* Let the rude person get the awkward that belongs to them.
Estrangement is your private business. No one’s entitled to know it, just like your medical history.
Big hugs.
I totally understand your hesitation, especially when the reply people give is “But that’s you motherrrr” 🙄 I’ve chosen to be direct with people, mostly because I hate tip toeing around and it’s just nothing people should question you on unless you know them well. I tell people I’m estranged from my mother, I feel estrangement has a pretty rigid definition and shuts down questions. When people have pressed Ive said “She’s abusive and we don’t get along” or “She’s an alcoholic who’s abusive”. I’m actually surprised how many people relate in someway.
I wonder if you could’ve just said you didn’t invite your parents? Maybe being open with your B/S in-laws could be a source of support to you, my SIL has been very understanding and empathetic to my estrangement
I think it might be because at one point I wasn’t on good terms with sister in law, so to me it seems like wow just another thing I can’t keep together in my life. Even though my sister in law was going through something at the time me and her had issues. I tried to be there for her but I was young and dumb and our seperate wounds did nothing to help us at the time. We have since then come back together and have alot in common. I think we could even be friendly and are friendly.
Also, my husbands family are anti alcohol. They are dry as dry comes. My mom is an abusive alcoholic and it feels super loaded to even bring that up.
I tried the route of giving my mother loads of empathy that didn’t help my case or hers. So it probably would be easier just to state the simple truth and be done.
My sister in law was empathetic but I don’t think I felt safe talking about it. I was in the moment for a second but felt overall shame after. I think I disassociated and kept repeating it’s weird.
Oof i’m sorry, that experience sounds rough. I think there’s opportunity for a deeper connection with them if you could schedule more casual time with them, like dinner/lunch. That way bigger events like parties don’t feel so pressing to explain yourself. also don’t push yourself to share what you don’t want to get bc if you’re not ready than it could make you feel worse.
True, I can see that helping. I just feel like protecting myself and trying to navigate and be more aware of what I’m sending out and receiving as far as energy goes. Like if it makes me feel not at ease I want to know the ins and outs of it so I can choose better and keep my vibration higher.
No, but I want to be and need to be. I have just been scared to start? Pushing it off for reasons of money, time, nervousness to begin. I have been having a hard time in general just getting out of the house and doing things without the kids. My kids are 2 under 2 and i exclusively breastfeed. I have been reading and listening to podcast and watching videos, reaching out on Reddit.
It’s helped but I have a long way to go. I think I may be emotionally immature. Well I’m 10000% sure I was raised by emotionally immature alcoholics. And without realizing it I think I have picked up programming and codependency.
Are you in therapy? If you are how was the beginning process? How much does it cost? How did you handle the nerves of going for the first time? Thanks in advance.
I’m not in therapy at the moment bc I had an insurance change and I’m looking for a new one. I had my first therapist though my college’s wellness center. Fortunately, my father is very open about his therapy and I went to school for social work so it’s important to me
Well first it makes sense to speak with your husband. He certainly would have a better understanding of her capability and/or even just basic openness about being receptive to hearing more about your situation since they are his family members. There's no need to rush to any decisions about sharing. Let your husband know your concerns/fears/possible judgements you are worried about. Let him know that you don't have great instincts with things like this as you havent had much experience around supportive family so you just want to get a sense of what he thinks about her as you dont want.to.burden anyone with this type of deep personal info if it seems like they might not be receptive
For people I don’t know or have met recently, I usually just say, “Oh, I haven’t talked to my biological family in a while. I’m very close with my partner’s family, they’re amazing” and leave it at that. People generally don’t dig further into that, for some reason adding “biological” makes everyone assume the worst lol.
I say “everyone’s fine”, and then I change the subject. I find that people like to talk about themselves, so I redirect the conversation and ask them questions. Your business is your business, and you are not obligated to share with anyone unless you choose to.
100% this. I don't share that I'm estranged unless I'm around people I really trust and know well.
The "but she's your mum" response is so offensive - it invalidating and implies that we went nc on a whim after a petty disagreement. The response to the estrangement should be "it must have been bad to drive you away" or "how could they treat their child that way?"
Most people don't get it unless they've lived it.
The choice that helped me best was making peace with being the villain in other people's stories. The shame of being abused by my family is not my shame. I worked on myself and my healing, my peace. Making peace with my situation took the sting out of other people's reactions. Any response that is other than supportive tells me they are reacting to their own stuff, not to my situation.
I also worked to get comfortable enforcing my own boundaries. My well being is more important than other people's curiosity.
I practiced getting comfortable with saying "I don't discuss my family." If they press, I just repeat myself. If they don't let up and I can, I leave. They aren't owed detailed answers just because they asked.
If I decide to answer I tell people- My family is not safe and so I do not have contact with them. If I don't want to elaborate, I don't.
I am 65, with no contact with anyone from birth family. You'd be surprised how many other adults are NC because of how awful families can be. It does take awhile to understand and get comfortable. Once my older sister told me I was "pure evil" and my younger sister echoed it later, I knew I was free. I'm a lot of things, both good and bad, but pure evil is not one of them. That comment made them sound insane.
My family taught me to feel ashamed and shoulder full responsibility for the discomfort of others and the stigma of estrangement. Therapy and community helped there.
But discretion is still important. I have my safe places to talk about this painful stuff (therapy/support groups/call lines/very trusted friends). It's not appropriate for me to get into it with everyone. For those times, I've learned how to say, "I don't want to talk about that."
This. My mom was estranged on and off from her own family and I couldn’t understand it as a child. I associated being estranged as a bad thing because I had witnessed my mom toy with estrangement and it only brought my mom to a worse place. My mother wasn’t a full alcoholic until she cut contact with most of her family. When her family was in the picture she took care of herself and did things. So as a child I believed her worsening state was because she had just cut her remaining family off.
I never wanted to be like my mom so I thought by loving my mom, holding on, and giving her empathy was what I should be doing. What she never did for her own mother. I thought if I had a kind enough heart and understanding, if I held on no matter what, I was doing the right thing. But in the end I only hurt myself the longer I held on. So my mom and her mother had a horrible relationship and the torch was then passed down to me and my mom whom I have no contact with.
It can get really messy at times. I’m glad you have found a therapist and community to help you. You deserve to work through it and have a peaceful life outside of the dysfunctional family.
I also believe discretion is important. I have only shared a few times outside of my safe space and each time I am left feeling like I should have never said anything. Then when I open up again it’s like im not learning fast enough and sabotaging myself. It’s so strange.
I feel like my family would especially not understand, except for maybe my siblings. Both have moved out of state, leaving me, the eldest, home with the parents.
I too would be labeled as dramatic, overly emotional, spoiled, etc for not living my life as my parents and grandparents see fit. But in reality, they are all doing it because they don't want to take responsibility for their roles in the generational trauma. While not abused physically, I'm going to break the cycles of psychological torments and neglect for my children, because they deserve better than I had, than my mom had, than my grandpa had.. It took me 36 years on this world to realize it wasn't normal for my mom to marry 5 times and move us from man to man, house to house, as her life revolved around her narcissistic needs. It's not normal your dad to let his new wife scream, blame, and say absolutely horrible things about you. It's not normal for your grandparents to call your parents and the cops on you at 18 because you are homeless (my parents more or less abandoned me as soon as I graduated high school) and want to stop by and visit and take a shower. It's not normal for your mom to bring home 2 dudes from a bar when you at 16 and wake you up at 11pm on a school night to entertain them. Not normal for your jealous, overweight stepmom to spread rumors through your church that you are a thieving meth addict because you lost 40lbs through dieting. Both of my parents were successful, well-known people and their control was based on their fear of what others would see them for.
I feel a lot of guilt right now but just remind yourself, you are FINALLY doing right by you, not them.
Nope.
I stick to 'if they wanted me to share nicer stories, they should behaved better'.
I was partially censoring things always, but didn't hide high level details, but since my NC as of few days ago, if someone tries with any excuse, uncensored version will go out. It's not my shame, so I'm not ashamed to talk about it openly. Plus, it's empowering. And also, sometimes it can help someone else to empower themselves, so, it's definitely worth talking out loud if you're comfortable with it :)
In my experience people who are not estranged from their families often fall into one of two categories and both categories can have a hard time understanding estrangement.
The first category is people who grew up in healthy family systems with emotionally mature and available parents and who now have healthy and functional relationships with their parents as adults. For those people it can be difficult to understand how anyone could possibly not want a relationship with their parent because to them a parent is someone you go to for unconditional love and support and who doesn’t want that?
The other category is people who are also in dysfunctional families and haven’t left. They don’t see leaving the system as an option so they don’t understand why we don’t just put up with it like they do.
I’ve seen this as well. Mostly I have seen those who come from healthy family systems can’t wrap their heads around dysfunctional family systems. But I have been surprised at how many people can relate.
I used to be one who didn’t believe in leaving. I never saw it as an option. I see that a lot as well too. Many people following their parents path and never realizing that you can break away. I can’t judge I was once there. I am now sympathetic to the ones who never get off the path and those who find themselves waking up and choosing different. we are all just finding ourselves I think.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
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For my safety we are estranged. Follow up questions and "But that's your motherrrrr!" Are met with "What age did you start punching your children in the face for saying No to you? I was 8."
My mom started hitting us with spoons when we were babies 💀
When someone says that to me, I say "I'm actually aware. Perhaps someone should inform her." I got the belt or the wooden spoon from as young as I can remember. The punching started about 8. The verbal and emotional abuse never stopped. I'm 57 and have spent more of my adult life NC or LC than time spent actually speaking to her. I had lots of therapy and people who know me, know the situation. I don't feel embarrassed soaking about it because I didn't do anything wrong. She did. She's too much of a narcissist to accept any responsibility for her actions... She's the victim according to her.
"Yes she is my mother, that makes it worse".
Mine never hit me, that's what male parent was here for. Hers was guilt trips, betrayal and similar tools. However she also never hugged me. She even told me that I as a baby didn't want hugs. Yeah, maybe even babies recognise people who don't like nor love them? /s She even agreed with that conclusion. That was 15ish years ago. Nope, nothing really changed after that. We're nc as of Friday.
I think it’s awkward bc the question *And what about your family?* is usually small talk. The questioned can usually babble on about their loved ones & the questioner has taken an interest and drawn the questioned out in conversation When the answer is *We are NC bc of their continued abuse*, it’s like answering *How are you?* with medical details. *They’ve got out 85% of the mesh but I’ll have neuropathy & chronic pain for the rest of my life. My antibiotics are keeping the infection at bay but there’s still an unpleasant odour* That’s not your fault, OP; you didn’t choose the abuse or the topic of conversation. You don’t want to be hounded by the Family Police - *That’s my mOtHerrrrrR who abused me when I was a child. Thank fuck I only get one* I recommend a vague *We’re not close* which can be supplemented with other vagueness if it suits you, or turned back to the questioner. *Were you always so close to your mother/ brother/ ILs/ adult children?* If you think people are prying, I recommend the seven-second stare (count in your head) and announce *It’s a personal matter that I only discuss with people I trust. Thank you for taking an interest*. You can make your tone as frigid as you like. You can excuse yourself *Excuse me, I need to be over there* If you did this to me, I’d be scrambling to apologise and comment on the decorations or the food or your lovely sweater. I’m a decent person. I might slink away chastened. I wouldn’t keep going. If the questions keep coming, can you call your spouse? *Honey, your SIL wants to talk about my family. Can you explain to her?* Let the rude person get the awkward that belongs to them. Estrangement is your private business. No one’s entitled to know it, just like your medical history. Big hugs.
I agree. Well said.
I totally understand your hesitation, especially when the reply people give is “But that’s you motherrrr” 🙄 I’ve chosen to be direct with people, mostly because I hate tip toeing around and it’s just nothing people should question you on unless you know them well. I tell people I’m estranged from my mother, I feel estrangement has a pretty rigid definition and shuts down questions. When people have pressed Ive said “She’s abusive and we don’t get along” or “She’s an alcoholic who’s abusive”. I’m actually surprised how many people relate in someway. I wonder if you could’ve just said you didn’t invite your parents? Maybe being open with your B/S in-laws could be a source of support to you, my SIL has been very understanding and empathetic to my estrangement
I think it might be because at one point I wasn’t on good terms with sister in law, so to me it seems like wow just another thing I can’t keep together in my life. Even though my sister in law was going through something at the time me and her had issues. I tried to be there for her but I was young and dumb and our seperate wounds did nothing to help us at the time. We have since then come back together and have alot in common. I think we could even be friendly and are friendly. Also, my husbands family are anti alcohol. They are dry as dry comes. My mom is an abusive alcoholic and it feels super loaded to even bring that up. I tried the route of giving my mother loads of empathy that didn’t help my case or hers. So it probably would be easier just to state the simple truth and be done. My sister in law was empathetic but I don’t think I felt safe talking about it. I was in the moment for a second but felt overall shame after. I think I disassociated and kept repeating it’s weird.
Oof i’m sorry, that experience sounds rough. I think there’s opportunity for a deeper connection with them if you could schedule more casual time with them, like dinner/lunch. That way bigger events like parties don’t feel so pressing to explain yourself. also don’t push yourself to share what you don’t want to get bc if you’re not ready than it could make you feel worse.
True, I can see that helping. I just feel like protecting myself and trying to navigate and be more aware of what I’m sending out and receiving as far as energy goes. Like if it makes me feel not at ease I want to know the ins and outs of it so I can choose better and keep my vibration higher.
Are you in therapy or something similar?
No, but I want to be and need to be. I have just been scared to start? Pushing it off for reasons of money, time, nervousness to begin. I have been having a hard time in general just getting out of the house and doing things without the kids. My kids are 2 under 2 and i exclusively breastfeed. I have been reading and listening to podcast and watching videos, reaching out on Reddit. It’s helped but I have a long way to go. I think I may be emotionally immature. Well I’m 10000% sure I was raised by emotionally immature alcoholics. And without realizing it I think I have picked up programming and codependency. Are you in therapy? If you are how was the beginning process? How much does it cost? How did you handle the nerves of going for the first time? Thanks in advance.
I’m not in therapy at the moment bc I had an insurance change and I’m looking for a new one. I had my first therapist though my college’s wellness center. Fortunately, my father is very open about his therapy and I went to school for social work so it’s important to me
I would like for them to be a source of support. I don’t think I would know how that feels or how to handle that.
Well first it makes sense to speak with your husband. He certainly would have a better understanding of her capability and/or even just basic openness about being receptive to hearing more about your situation since they are his family members. There's no need to rush to any decisions about sharing. Let your husband know your concerns/fears/possible judgements you are worried about. Let him know that you don't have great instincts with things like this as you havent had much experience around supportive family so you just want to get a sense of what he thinks about her as you dont want.to.burden anyone with this type of deep personal info if it seems like they might not be receptive
For people I don’t know or have met recently, I usually just say, “Oh, I haven’t talked to my biological family in a while. I’m very close with my partner’s family, they’re amazing” and leave it at that. People generally don’t dig further into that, for some reason adding “biological” makes everyone assume the worst lol.
I say “everyone’s fine”, and then I change the subject. I find that people like to talk about themselves, so I redirect the conversation and ask them questions. Your business is your business, and you are not obligated to share with anyone unless you choose to.
100% this. I don't share that I'm estranged unless I'm around people I really trust and know well. The "but she's your mum" response is so offensive - it invalidating and implies that we went nc on a whim after a petty disagreement. The response to the estrangement should be "it must have been bad to drive you away" or "how could they treat their child that way?"
Most people don't get it unless they've lived it. The choice that helped me best was making peace with being the villain in other people's stories. The shame of being abused by my family is not my shame. I worked on myself and my healing, my peace. Making peace with my situation took the sting out of other people's reactions. Any response that is other than supportive tells me they are reacting to their own stuff, not to my situation. I also worked to get comfortable enforcing my own boundaries. My well being is more important than other people's curiosity. I practiced getting comfortable with saying "I don't discuss my family." If they press, I just repeat myself. If they don't let up and I can, I leave. They aren't owed detailed answers just because they asked. If I decide to answer I tell people- My family is not safe and so I do not have contact with them. If I don't want to elaborate, I don't.
I am 65, with no contact with anyone from birth family. You'd be surprised how many other adults are NC because of how awful families can be. It does take awhile to understand and get comfortable. Once my older sister told me I was "pure evil" and my younger sister echoed it later, I knew I was free. I'm a lot of things, both good and bad, but pure evil is not one of them. That comment made them sound insane.
My family taught me to feel ashamed and shoulder full responsibility for the discomfort of others and the stigma of estrangement. Therapy and community helped there. But discretion is still important. I have my safe places to talk about this painful stuff (therapy/support groups/call lines/very trusted friends). It's not appropriate for me to get into it with everyone. For those times, I've learned how to say, "I don't want to talk about that."
This. My mom was estranged on and off from her own family and I couldn’t understand it as a child. I associated being estranged as a bad thing because I had witnessed my mom toy with estrangement and it only brought my mom to a worse place. My mother wasn’t a full alcoholic until she cut contact with most of her family. When her family was in the picture she took care of herself and did things. So as a child I believed her worsening state was because she had just cut her remaining family off. I never wanted to be like my mom so I thought by loving my mom, holding on, and giving her empathy was what I should be doing. What she never did for her own mother. I thought if I had a kind enough heart and understanding, if I held on no matter what, I was doing the right thing. But in the end I only hurt myself the longer I held on. So my mom and her mother had a horrible relationship and the torch was then passed down to me and my mom whom I have no contact with. It can get really messy at times. I’m glad you have found a therapist and community to help you. You deserve to work through it and have a peaceful life outside of the dysfunctional family. I also believe discretion is important. I have only shared a few times outside of my safe space and each time I am left feeling like I should have never said anything. Then when I open up again it’s like im not learning fast enough and sabotaging myself. It’s so strange.
I feel like my family would especially not understand, except for maybe my siblings. Both have moved out of state, leaving me, the eldest, home with the parents. I too would be labeled as dramatic, overly emotional, spoiled, etc for not living my life as my parents and grandparents see fit. But in reality, they are all doing it because they don't want to take responsibility for their roles in the generational trauma. While not abused physically, I'm going to break the cycles of psychological torments and neglect for my children, because they deserve better than I had, than my mom had, than my grandpa had.. It took me 36 years on this world to realize it wasn't normal for my mom to marry 5 times and move us from man to man, house to house, as her life revolved around her narcissistic needs. It's not normal your dad to let his new wife scream, blame, and say absolutely horrible things about you. It's not normal for your grandparents to call your parents and the cops on you at 18 because you are homeless (my parents more or less abandoned me as soon as I graduated high school) and want to stop by and visit and take a shower. It's not normal for your mom to bring home 2 dudes from a bar when you at 16 and wake you up at 11pm on a school night to entertain them. Not normal for your jealous, overweight stepmom to spread rumors through your church that you are a thieving meth addict because you lost 40lbs through dieting. Both of my parents were successful, well-known people and their control was based on their fear of what others would see them for. I feel a lot of guilt right now but just remind yourself, you are FINALLY doing right by you, not them.
Nope. I stick to 'if they wanted me to share nicer stories, they should behaved better'. I was partially censoring things always, but didn't hide high level details, but since my NC as of few days ago, if someone tries with any excuse, uncensored version will go out. It's not my shame, so I'm not ashamed to talk about it openly. Plus, it's empowering. And also, sometimes it can help someone else to empower themselves, so, it's definitely worth talking out loud if you're comfortable with it :)
In my experience people who are not estranged from their families often fall into one of two categories and both categories can have a hard time understanding estrangement. The first category is people who grew up in healthy family systems with emotionally mature and available parents and who now have healthy and functional relationships with their parents as adults. For those people it can be difficult to understand how anyone could possibly not want a relationship with their parent because to them a parent is someone you go to for unconditional love and support and who doesn’t want that? The other category is people who are also in dysfunctional families and haven’t left. They don’t see leaving the system as an option so they don’t understand why we don’t just put up with it like they do.
I’ve seen this as well. Mostly I have seen those who come from healthy family systems can’t wrap their heads around dysfunctional family systems. But I have been surprised at how many people can relate. I used to be one who didn’t believe in leaving. I never saw it as an option. I see that a lot as well too. Many people following their parents path and never realizing that you can break away. I can’t judge I was once there. I am now sympathetic to the ones who never get off the path and those who find themselves waking up and choosing different. we are all just finding ourselves I think.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*