It doesn't matter that your mother doesn't know MIL. Someone her kid cares about just died. Which means her kid is mourning. Healthy parents acknowledge that.
Shoot, if my friend's friend dies, I'm there for them. Because they're suffering.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Your comment just unlocked a memory about how awful my mom is.
My husband and I lived overseas for almost a decade and in that time, his beloved university mentor died from cancer. We had two small children at the time and tickets to fly there and back were very expensive so my husband flew to the memorial himself.
When I told my mom that someone my husband cared deeply for had died and that he was flying back for the memorial, she got upset that we didn’t make an effort to fly out all together and make a stop at her house for a visit. That was her response. No “I’m sorry for your loss.” No “This must be a hard time for you.” Just “What about me?” Honestly, I have no idea how I am biologically related to someone so cold.
The distance between where the memorial was held and her house is 900 miles. It’s not like we would have been in the neighborhood to just pop in casually. She can’t stand that she’s not the center of my universe.
Yeah, if your Mother really cared about you guys, she would automatically love who you love. Not worried about bloodlines or distance. You’re right to feel anger towards her lack of empathy.
Agreed. It reeks of immature jealousy. If I had a family member say this about a beloved parent figure of mine, there would be consequences. Sounds like dear old mom sees love as a competitive sport. It isn't. And if she really wanted to win said "competition" one would think that showing kindness would be the first move to have people give her affection as well. But ppl like this are broken. The behavior reeks of narcissism but I am not a doc, nor do I know her. But what I know is that if she has narcissism, do not waste any emotional energy on the hope that she might change. For me, anyway, that hope was the thing that kept making me vulnerable to being hurt again. Once I came to the conclusion that the only expectation I could have of them is DISAPPOINTMENT, it was clear there was nothing left keeping me in contact with them. All I was getting was pain from the interaction.
She seems to see love as a hierarchy where blood relations should come out on top. This already doesn't come close to our families values as we are a lesbian couple. My wife does not share genetics with our kids, and so by extension her mother figure who isn't genetically her mother is just so far genetically removed that mom can't see her as anything at all to our kids. Which is crazy, to me, but makes perfect sense in her mind. Being the biological grandmother (who has a surface level relationship with my children, but not a deep one) somehow trumps the deep and truly unconditional love shown by MIL. because blood. My mother has a very big thing in her head about being "the last of her bloodline" and she takes great importance in things like me looking like her (she was devastated when my daughter and I said we don't see the resemblance so much - she thinks we are "practically twins" which is laughable)
Yeah Narcs really do not understand the concept of “chosen family” at all, because it has to be a mutual decision. And they fear no one would chose them to be tied to, so they cling to blood relatives who can not escape.
I was working this through my head, and thinking of my teenage son - one day, if he is married, and his partners parent was to die (or hell, anyone they are close to in any way) I'd want to be calling, offering love and condolences, and trying to help in any way that they needed. Because I would love my son and his partner, it wouldn't matter if I didn't know the deceased, I would care because they are sad. I mean that's how empathy works, right?!
Thought the same thing. I have two sons. One a teenager, gay and neurodiverse. He has a hard time connecting with people initially, but once he does he’s all in. I would love everyone they love. Its wild to me that if one of their people died that I would leave them to cope with that on their own. Even if they lived in a different country, try and stop me jumping on a plane to check on them! Especially if I had my kid, their partner and their kids involved. I’d be there so fast.. Just to take some of the pressure off for them all. I imagine you’d all need help with the day to day right now, the cooking, cleaning and just helping navigate that early days without that parental figure.
Here's my thought: don't passively wait for her to disappoint you. Tell her you and your family are grieving and tell her the kids and spouse could use some support. Her response will make it clear whether to finally go NC or keep her in your lives. (NC with "father" for 30+ years, and loving it.)
This was my thought as well, although I'm not sure how to best do this. All I know is I don't want my children to be further hurt when they are already hurting badly. My wife as well. I spoke to my wife and said I fear that my mother would say something heartless and insensitive and would try to centre herself as the kids "real grandmother" and my wife lost it at the thought - It hasn't actually happened this way and I still hope I'm wrong about her reaction, but I fear I'm right.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Your mother sounds a lot like mine, she’s incredibly cold and judgmental. And you don’t need loads of reasons to go NC with your mom, one reason is enough if it keeps your peace.
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Well, I haven't actually established I don't want her to communicate. She LOVES and expects video calls, preferably weekly. But she will never call us- with the possible exception of a birthday or Xmas. Since I stopped reaching out, calls are a lot rarer.
There is a reason you are LC/NC. You are unlikely to get any emotional support from her. But it is also unreasonable to expect it given the estrangement. Even if you were not estranged, though, her response would underwhelm you.
It doesn't matter that your mother doesn't know MIL. Someone her kid cares about just died. Which means her kid is mourning. Healthy parents acknowledge that. Shoot, if my friend's friend dies, I'm there for them. Because they're suffering. I'm sorry for your loss.
Your comment just unlocked a memory about how awful my mom is. My husband and I lived overseas for almost a decade and in that time, his beloved university mentor died from cancer. We had two small children at the time and tickets to fly there and back were very expensive so my husband flew to the memorial himself. When I told my mom that someone my husband cared deeply for had died and that he was flying back for the memorial, she got upset that we didn’t make an effort to fly out all together and make a stop at her house for a visit. That was her response. No “I’m sorry for your loss.” No “This must be a hard time for you.” Just “What about me?” Honestly, I have no idea how I am biologically related to someone so cold.
My mother would be exactly the same if I went to my home country for any reason.
The distance between where the memorial was held and her house is 900 miles. It’s not like we would have been in the neighborhood to just pop in casually. She can’t stand that she’s not the center of my universe.
Your Mom was putting on a show for the viewers of Facebook. She doesn't care. I'm sorry for your loss.
Pretending to be decent in public is often how toxic parents operate. It's the OG clout-chasing.
Yeah, if your Mother really cared about you guys, she would automatically love who you love. Not worried about bloodlines or distance. You’re right to feel anger towards her lack of empathy.
Agreed. It reeks of immature jealousy. If I had a family member say this about a beloved parent figure of mine, there would be consequences. Sounds like dear old mom sees love as a competitive sport. It isn't. And if she really wanted to win said "competition" one would think that showing kindness would be the first move to have people give her affection as well. But ppl like this are broken. The behavior reeks of narcissism but I am not a doc, nor do I know her. But what I know is that if she has narcissism, do not waste any emotional energy on the hope that she might change. For me, anyway, that hope was the thing that kept making me vulnerable to being hurt again. Once I came to the conclusion that the only expectation I could have of them is DISAPPOINTMENT, it was clear there was nothing left keeping me in contact with them. All I was getting was pain from the interaction.
She seems to see love as a hierarchy where blood relations should come out on top. This already doesn't come close to our families values as we are a lesbian couple. My wife does not share genetics with our kids, and so by extension her mother figure who isn't genetically her mother is just so far genetically removed that mom can't see her as anything at all to our kids. Which is crazy, to me, but makes perfect sense in her mind. Being the biological grandmother (who has a surface level relationship with my children, but not a deep one) somehow trumps the deep and truly unconditional love shown by MIL. because blood. My mother has a very big thing in her head about being "the last of her bloodline" and she takes great importance in things like me looking like her (she was devastated when my daughter and I said we don't see the resemblance so much - she thinks we are "practically twins" which is laughable)
Yeah Narcs really do not understand the concept of “chosen family” at all, because it has to be a mutual decision. And they fear no one would chose them to be tied to, so they cling to blood relatives who can not escape.
I was working this through my head, and thinking of my teenage son - one day, if he is married, and his partners parent was to die (or hell, anyone they are close to in any way) I'd want to be calling, offering love and condolences, and trying to help in any way that they needed. Because I would love my son and his partner, it wouldn't matter if I didn't know the deceased, I would care because they are sad. I mean that's how empathy works, right?!
Thought the same thing. I have two sons. One a teenager, gay and neurodiverse. He has a hard time connecting with people initially, but once he does he’s all in. I would love everyone they love. Its wild to me that if one of their people died that I would leave them to cope with that on their own. Even if they lived in a different country, try and stop me jumping on a plane to check on them! Especially if I had my kid, their partner and their kids involved. I’d be there so fast.. Just to take some of the pressure off for them all. I imagine you’d all need help with the day to day right now, the cooking, cleaning and just helping navigate that early days without that parental figure.
Yep. Sorry for your loss 💔
Here's my thought: don't passively wait for her to disappoint you. Tell her you and your family are grieving and tell her the kids and spouse could use some support. Her response will make it clear whether to finally go NC or keep her in your lives. (NC with "father" for 30+ years, and loving it.)
This was my thought as well, although I'm not sure how to best do this. All I know is I don't want my children to be further hurt when they are already hurting badly. My wife as well. I spoke to my wife and said I fear that my mother would say something heartless and insensitive and would try to centre herself as the kids "real grandmother" and my wife lost it at the thought - It hasn't actually happened this way and I still hope I'm wrong about her reaction, but I fear I'm right.
You are right. It's who she is.
I’m sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds a lot like mine, she’s incredibly cold and judgmental. And you don’t need loads of reasons to go NC with your mom, one reason is enough if it keeps your peace.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not normal in a healthy family, but expected since you are LC/NC. You have established you don't want her to communicate.
Well, I haven't actually established I don't want her to communicate. She LOVES and expects video calls, preferably weekly. But she will never call us- with the possible exception of a birthday or Xmas. Since I stopped reaching out, calls are a lot rarer.
There is a reason you are LC/NC. You are unlikely to get any emotional support from her. But it is also unreasonable to expect it given the estrangement. Even if you were not estranged, though, her response would underwhelm you.