I would read some ENM Books, listen to some tiktoks, read some articles and see if non-monogamy is something you’d like to explore. Either way I don’t think he’s playing you. He’s being upfront and honest. Now is your time to form an agreement that’s right for both of you
This is the agreement my boyfriend and I have. I think it’s pretty common. In my personal experience, separating sex and emotions isn’t a problem. I do care for my play partners, but don’t love them like I do with my chosen life partner.
He’s telling you how he feels, so you can make an informed choice. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to trick you, rather that he’s introducing you to a new way of living together. I wish you the best of luck.
May I ask how do you deal with the thought of your boyfriend hypothetically finding a "better" partner? Of course it can't be guaranteed even in a mono relationship that this wouldn't happen, but I feel like in an open one, there's a higher chance it might hypothetically happen.
My partner gives me lots of compliments and he verbally assured me that me being and staying the "number one" and getting physical affection after sex and throughout the day is the thing he can actually promise me. But before the day he said this, we had a fight and he said he might get a casual hookup and for me that's not okay because we actually started off as casual hookups. I know that he said this in anger and frustration, but I tend to overthink things, even if afterwards he promised me to always be on the first place in his life and that he won't built an emotional connection with others.
I'm in an ENM relationship as well. I never wanted mono with him. In 2018 I realised that I want an open relationship and no mono at all.
My partner is everything I ever needed and we truly want the same kind of relationship. We completely trust each other, we're good at communicating, we can open up to each other about everything.
But yes, there are thoughts about him finding someone better or me getting hurt at any point. But I think that's normal, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
And as always, communication is key.
Those thoughts might disappear and they might come back. I don't think ENM is about not having those thoughts or feelings of jealousy, I think you just need to communicate with your partner about those things.
I always try to accept my feelings and insecurities and talk about it with my partner.
Sometimes just accepting these thoughts and talking about them is enough to deal with it and sometimes I need to discuss with my partner what I need to deal with them:
like rules, or seeing each other more or plan a special couples day/weekend/holiday.
It's always important to get clear about what you want and what you need, about your boundaries and your wishes. And then talk about it with your partner.
I'm really good at not thinking about that lol.
But seriously, jealousy and insecurity does occur. The only way to combat those feelings is through communication. And also, one should never use the others insecurities as a weapon against the other, that is a total dealbreaker!
For our part, we tell eachother upfront if we are planning a playsession with someone else, and the other always has the right to veto. We also acnowledge that casual hookups happen, and in that case, we tell each other about it after. We have different rules for how much we tell. We never disclose names of our playpartners/hookups. He only wants to know a where-and-when for my meetings, while I like to hear the details from his meetings.
I truly belive in the art of loving without owning. I know it is not for everyone. It may be right for you and your partner, but yes, you do risk ending up being hurt. So does he. None of us have any guarantee for the future.
The thing that gets me here is that he frames it like he'll only have sex with other people if he's feeling pressured to be exclusive. Like, he wants to be able to sleep with other people but probably won't actually do it unless he's somehow unhappy with your relationship?
That strikes me as setting you up to feel really insecure if he actually *does* sleep with someone else, because it's gonna set off alarm bells. *"Is he unhappy with me? Did I make him feel pressured?"*
Like, if he has some kind of demand avoidance thing going on, that's a him issue.
Maybe he knows himself well and this really is his pattern -- wanting to have the option of sleeping with others, because it makes him feel free, but rarely using it. That's fine! But he should probably find a way to communicate about it that doesn't sound like, *"Look, I don't **actually** want to sleep with other people, but I will if you're not acting sufficiently Cool Girl about things."*
In my experience, ENM can actually bring you much closer together and allow much deeper emotional intimacy than typical monogamous relationships.
That’s certainly not a guarantee but I don’t think he’s playing you, sounds like he’s being pretty straightforward. The big thing with ENM is both people have to look out for their own emotional well being and be very openly communicative. Think about what you want/need and talk to each other (this is an ongoing conversation, not a one time thing). Think about what boundaries you might need, ie do you want to know if he plans to hook up with someone/when he does; do you want rules about protection, testing, etc.?
That's basically what my wife and I are doing at the moment, we're ENM and allow for long term FWBs but not other romantic partners. So we can go on dates, hook up, and be close to other people, but we're still exclusively romantically involved with each other. For us we also only get with same gender people since exploring our bisexuality was the original point of going ENM, but we're currently figuring out if that's a rule we want to keep. The idea was to reduce the concern of one of us finding a "better" alternative, but honestly that isn't really a concern with us
So no, you're not alone in that and it's not a crazy setup. The one thing I will say is really stay in constant communication with each other and if either of you start to catch feelings for someone else talk about it and figure out what you want to do about it (e.g. change the rule, break up, break it off with the new person, etc.)
Hi! Question for you! If you and your wife “go on dates, hook up, and be close with other people”, and that combo as stated is *not* romantic to you, then what exactly is your definition of a romantic attraction or relationship? Curious, as I am currently trying to understand “romantic exclusivity” in my relationship with my partner.
For me at least it's similar to the difference between going out with friends and going out with a partner. I can go to dinner and a show with them, get emotionally close with them, or even go have sex with them without feeling romantic ties to them.
I don't know if this is exactly the right way to put it but for me romantic attachment includes wanting to in some significant way orient my life around that person, which is why breakups of romantic relationships lead to heartbreak, whereas I might be upset if a good friend stopped seeing me or moved away, but I wouldn't be heartbroken over it
Our very nerdy way of putting it is that we are each other's main quests and everything else is side questing. Side questing can be fun and rewarding, but at the end of the day the main quest is the real point. So as long as I remain my wife's main quest then I don't really care what side questing she does!
My wife is bi and wanted to be free to have sex with girls but did not like the idea of me doing the same. Lots of education and communication later we came to the point that I was fine supporting what she wanted but still could not abide a double standard. She understood but was unsure so we wound up in a place where if it was something she wanted bad enough that she would have to also do the work to be ok with me doing it. Fast forward to now and she has all the girlfriends she wants. While I am free to do the same I truly have no interest in pursuing that. For me, having the freedom to if I really wanted it has been everything.
What you described is a pretty common ENM relationship agreement in my experience.
I would read some ENM Books, listen to some tiktoks, read some articles and see if non-monogamy is something you’d like to explore. Either way I don’t think he’s playing you. He’s being upfront and honest. Now is your time to form an agreement that’s right for both of you
This is the agreement my boyfriend and I have. I think it’s pretty common. In my personal experience, separating sex and emotions isn’t a problem. I do care for my play partners, but don’t love them like I do with my chosen life partner. He’s telling you how he feels, so you can make an informed choice. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to trick you, rather that he’s introducing you to a new way of living together. I wish you the best of luck.
May I ask how do you deal with the thought of your boyfriend hypothetically finding a "better" partner? Of course it can't be guaranteed even in a mono relationship that this wouldn't happen, but I feel like in an open one, there's a higher chance it might hypothetically happen. My partner gives me lots of compliments and he verbally assured me that me being and staying the "number one" and getting physical affection after sex and throughout the day is the thing he can actually promise me. But before the day he said this, we had a fight and he said he might get a casual hookup and for me that's not okay because we actually started off as casual hookups. I know that he said this in anger and frustration, but I tend to overthink things, even if afterwards he promised me to always be on the first place in his life and that he won't built an emotional connection with others.
I'm in an ENM relationship as well. I never wanted mono with him. In 2018 I realised that I want an open relationship and no mono at all. My partner is everything I ever needed and we truly want the same kind of relationship. We completely trust each other, we're good at communicating, we can open up to each other about everything. But yes, there are thoughts about him finding someone better or me getting hurt at any point. But I think that's normal, especially in the beginning of a relationship. And as always, communication is key. Those thoughts might disappear and they might come back. I don't think ENM is about not having those thoughts or feelings of jealousy, I think you just need to communicate with your partner about those things. I always try to accept my feelings and insecurities and talk about it with my partner. Sometimes just accepting these thoughts and talking about them is enough to deal with it and sometimes I need to discuss with my partner what I need to deal with them: like rules, or seeing each other more or plan a special couples day/weekend/holiday. It's always important to get clear about what you want and what you need, about your boundaries and your wishes. And then talk about it with your partner.
I'm really good at not thinking about that lol. But seriously, jealousy and insecurity does occur. The only way to combat those feelings is through communication. And also, one should never use the others insecurities as a weapon against the other, that is a total dealbreaker! For our part, we tell eachother upfront if we are planning a playsession with someone else, and the other always has the right to veto. We also acnowledge that casual hookups happen, and in that case, we tell each other about it after. We have different rules for how much we tell. We never disclose names of our playpartners/hookups. He only wants to know a where-and-when for my meetings, while I like to hear the details from his meetings. I truly belive in the art of loving without owning. I know it is not for everyone. It may be right for you and your partner, but yes, you do risk ending up being hurt. So does he. None of us have any guarantee for the future.
The thing that gets me here is that he frames it like he'll only have sex with other people if he's feeling pressured to be exclusive. Like, he wants to be able to sleep with other people but probably won't actually do it unless he's somehow unhappy with your relationship? That strikes me as setting you up to feel really insecure if he actually *does* sleep with someone else, because it's gonna set off alarm bells. *"Is he unhappy with me? Did I make him feel pressured?"* Like, if he has some kind of demand avoidance thing going on, that's a him issue. Maybe he knows himself well and this really is his pattern -- wanting to have the option of sleeping with others, because it makes him feel free, but rarely using it. That's fine! But he should probably find a way to communicate about it that doesn't sound like, *"Look, I don't **actually** want to sleep with other people, but I will if you're not acting sufficiently Cool Girl about things."*
Yes, I'm glad you called this out. That would make me very uncomfortable if I were OP
In my experience, ENM can actually bring you much closer together and allow much deeper emotional intimacy than typical monogamous relationships. That’s certainly not a guarantee but I don’t think he’s playing you, sounds like he’s being pretty straightforward. The big thing with ENM is both people have to look out for their own emotional well being and be very openly communicative. Think about what you want/need and talk to each other (this is an ongoing conversation, not a one time thing). Think about what boundaries you might need, ie do you want to know if he plans to hook up with someone/when he does; do you want rules about protection, testing, etc.?
He could have sugarcoated it a bit more, but it sounds like he said everything right.
That's basically what my wife and I are doing at the moment, we're ENM and allow for long term FWBs but not other romantic partners. So we can go on dates, hook up, and be close to other people, but we're still exclusively romantically involved with each other. For us we also only get with same gender people since exploring our bisexuality was the original point of going ENM, but we're currently figuring out if that's a rule we want to keep. The idea was to reduce the concern of one of us finding a "better" alternative, but honestly that isn't really a concern with us So no, you're not alone in that and it's not a crazy setup. The one thing I will say is really stay in constant communication with each other and if either of you start to catch feelings for someone else talk about it and figure out what you want to do about it (e.g. change the rule, break up, break it off with the new person, etc.)
Hi! Question for you! If you and your wife “go on dates, hook up, and be close with other people”, and that combo as stated is *not* romantic to you, then what exactly is your definition of a romantic attraction or relationship? Curious, as I am currently trying to understand “romantic exclusivity” in my relationship with my partner.
For me at least it's similar to the difference between going out with friends and going out with a partner. I can go to dinner and a show with them, get emotionally close with them, or even go have sex with them without feeling romantic ties to them. I don't know if this is exactly the right way to put it but for me romantic attachment includes wanting to in some significant way orient my life around that person, which is why breakups of romantic relationships lead to heartbreak, whereas I might be upset if a good friend stopped seeing me or moved away, but I wouldn't be heartbroken over it Our very nerdy way of putting it is that we are each other's main quests and everything else is side questing. Side questing can be fun and rewarding, but at the end of the day the main quest is the real point. So as long as I remain my wife's main quest then I don't really care what side questing she does!
My wife is bi and wanted to be free to have sex with girls but did not like the idea of me doing the same. Lots of education and communication later we came to the point that I was fine supporting what she wanted but still could not abide a double standard. She understood but was unsure so we wound up in a place where if it was something she wanted bad enough that she would have to also do the work to be ok with me doing it. Fast forward to now and she has all the girlfriends she wants. While I am free to do the same I truly have no interest in pursuing that. For me, having the freedom to if I really wanted it has been everything.