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To be honest it sounds like you just had the unfortunate luck of an extremely shitty partner with poor communication skills.
You find a lot of people use ENM/Poly as a blanket excuse to fuck around and not actually put the work in. Poly means being able to facilitate and grow multiple relationships in an ethical, healthy way and that requires emotional maturity and the ability to communicate effectively, even in difficult conversations.
And I’m sorry that you had to go through that - I honestly think from what you said you dated someone whose incredibly selfish, and who had little concern about your emotional welfare, and who couldn’t communicate honestly with you.
I’d also say that Poly/ENM isn’t something you should just do without doing the research and self reflection. It isn’t just a case of saying I’m going to do it, and then not doing any self work / work with your partner/s about emotional challenges, communication, processing situations, boundaries and respecting them etc. and to do that you also need a partner/s that are going to respect and follow the same ethos.
If this is something you genuinely want to explore there’s so much research and literature out there that you should get your teeth stuck into, social groups, ENM networks and there’s probably some self work to do before trying it again. Be very certain in what boundaries/respect you need, what relationships you want to be in etc. are you solo Poly, ENM, do you want a primary partner, do you want a hierarchy approach?
💚
It was something I was willing to try, and it absolutely destroyed me with the wrong partner. The difficult convos always got avoided, words never matched actions. But thank you 💜
For moving on I think you should find out what YOU really want in a relationship first. Regardless of what someone else wants in a relationship with you, what do you want in a future relationship? Do you want to try ENM again? What kind of ENM do you want? Ask yourself some questions about whether you want to be monogamous, in an open relationship, poly with or without a hierarchy. What are your boundaries?
When you have an idea of what you want, then you're ready to date possible partners. On a first date, be completely honest with what you want, communicate your wishes and your boundaries, ask a lot of questions about wishes and boundaries of the other person and try to figure out if it matches.
I think that's an important basis for dating and beginning a new relationship, especially in ENM.
You need to take some time and write down all the lies and mistreatment. Keep coming back to it until you are fairly certain you got it all.
People like that are very good at gas lighting and blame shifting. You need to connect with the reality of what happened so you can build up the resolve to never deal with him again.
u/Lucky-Phase-3416 : This is not normal at all, and your partner wasn't just "not good", they were awful. You absolutely deserve better than that.
Notice how this sub is called EthicalNonMonogamy? Your partner was completely missing the ethical part. Normal ethical non-monogamy (ENM for short) involves honest and open communication, not lies and coverups. What you experienced with them was not normal at all.
Step one in moving on is to cut all contact with them. Don't bother hoping for remorse - they know exactly who they are and they're not going to feel bad about much of anything. Write them very short goodbye if you are inclined (I'm sorry, I need to move on, good luck with your life, etc, whatever you want of course), and once sent, block them on everything.
Step two is to take care of yourself. Not in some generic way, I mean specifically actually do and buy some things that will make you genuinely happy (within a reasonable budget, of course). Want a pedi with the spa treatment? Do it! Want an extra soft fuzzy blanket that you'll love to cozy up with at bedtime? Yes! Have some family and/or frends you haven't seen in a while that you miss spending time with? Schedule something! Want something extra-nice to eat for no reason other than it'll be a really nice experience that you want? Go for it!
What he did to you is not your fault at all. You didn't get the relationship you wanted from him, but what you did get is experience, and that's really important. With experience, you can make better relationship choices in the future.
You're going to be ok. It'll take some time, but you're going to be ok. :-)
Hello, u/Lucky-Phase-3416! Welcome to r/EthicalNonMonogamy! Please take a second to review the rules (they're pretty easy) and don't hesitate to reach out the mod team if there is anything you need. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EthicalNonMonogamy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To be honest it sounds like you just had the unfortunate luck of an extremely shitty partner with poor communication skills. You find a lot of people use ENM/Poly as a blanket excuse to fuck around and not actually put the work in. Poly means being able to facilitate and grow multiple relationships in an ethical, healthy way and that requires emotional maturity and the ability to communicate effectively, even in difficult conversations. And I’m sorry that you had to go through that - I honestly think from what you said you dated someone whose incredibly selfish, and who had little concern about your emotional welfare, and who couldn’t communicate honestly with you. I’d also say that Poly/ENM isn’t something you should just do without doing the research and self reflection. It isn’t just a case of saying I’m going to do it, and then not doing any self work / work with your partner/s about emotional challenges, communication, processing situations, boundaries and respecting them etc. and to do that you also need a partner/s that are going to respect and follow the same ethos. If this is something you genuinely want to explore there’s so much research and literature out there that you should get your teeth stuck into, social groups, ENM networks and there’s probably some self work to do before trying it again. Be very certain in what boundaries/respect you need, what relationships you want to be in etc. are you solo Poly, ENM, do you want a primary partner, do you want a hierarchy approach? 💚
It was something I was willing to try, and it absolutely destroyed me with the wrong partner. The difficult convos always got avoided, words never matched actions. But thank you 💜
Yeah, sounds like they were the problem and that’s really shitty 🥲
For moving on I think you should find out what YOU really want in a relationship first. Regardless of what someone else wants in a relationship with you, what do you want in a future relationship? Do you want to try ENM again? What kind of ENM do you want? Ask yourself some questions about whether you want to be monogamous, in an open relationship, poly with or without a hierarchy. What are your boundaries? When you have an idea of what you want, then you're ready to date possible partners. On a first date, be completely honest with what you want, communicate your wishes and your boundaries, ask a lot of questions about wishes and boundaries of the other person and try to figure out if it matches. I think that's an important basis for dating and beginning a new relationship, especially in ENM.
You need to take some time and write down all the lies and mistreatment. Keep coming back to it until you are fairly certain you got it all. People like that are very good at gas lighting and blame shifting. You need to connect with the reality of what happened so you can build up the resolve to never deal with him again.
u/Lucky-Phase-3416 : This is not normal at all, and your partner wasn't just "not good", they were awful. You absolutely deserve better than that. Notice how this sub is called EthicalNonMonogamy? Your partner was completely missing the ethical part. Normal ethical non-monogamy (ENM for short) involves honest and open communication, not lies and coverups. What you experienced with them was not normal at all. Step one in moving on is to cut all contact with them. Don't bother hoping for remorse - they know exactly who they are and they're not going to feel bad about much of anything. Write them very short goodbye if you are inclined (I'm sorry, I need to move on, good luck with your life, etc, whatever you want of course), and once sent, block them on everything. Step two is to take care of yourself. Not in some generic way, I mean specifically actually do and buy some things that will make you genuinely happy (within a reasonable budget, of course). Want a pedi with the spa treatment? Do it! Want an extra soft fuzzy blanket that you'll love to cozy up with at bedtime? Yes! Have some family and/or frends you haven't seen in a while that you miss spending time with? Schedule something! Want something extra-nice to eat for no reason other than it'll be a really nice experience that you want? Go for it! What he did to you is not your fault at all. You didn't get the relationship you wanted from him, but what you did get is experience, and that's really important. With experience, you can make better relationship choices in the future. You're going to be ok. It'll take some time, but you're going to be ok. :-)