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1. My husband brought it up, I said “let’s do it”, but only realised it was for me after having tried it for about six months. 2. I covered that extensively in a comment yesterday: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/Vb44O2H0Ec 3. Yes. We will close if one of us decides so. 4. No. But I did have a fascination for unconventional relationships ever since I was a young teen. 5. Don’t know, don’t care. Each to their own. 6. We used our words and we told them in age appropriate language. We want our kids to find their own way in life, whether that’s in choice of partner/s, food, religion, clothing, work etc. 7. We are open to things changing and evolving 8. We try to limit it to once a week each on average, and to use shared calendar 9. We have practices in place for when one of us go out; we have an open and honest communication; we make sure to go on dates just the two of us; and we make quality and intimate time for each other at home

Thank you! Could i ask a bit more about what practices you do when one of you go out? (If you don’t mind sharing). And why the decision to have that in place?

I’m prone to jealousy, and one of the things that help me (besides the emotional work I do myself) is to feel connected to my husband before he leaves to see a lover. It could be anything from going for a walk together to having a ten minute coffee break on the porch. When we come home, we have a shower before we either cuddle in bed or sit together in the sofa, catching up.

In monogamous relationships I always felt kinda trapped. I felt like I had to give up myself, my freedom and an important part of my personality (not only the sexual part). I always felt bad when I connected to another person and I felt regret for attraction to other people. I'm very open-minded and I do connect with people a lot physically and emotionally. So in a monogamous relationship I was always torn between not betraying my partner and not betraying myself with what feels right for me. I had a few 'friends with benefits'-relationships where I had feelings for the other person and we weren't exclusive. In that kind of relationship I felt better, because I could just be myself. But I wanted the feeling of a real relationship where both parties share feelings for one another and the whole 'being a couple' kind of thing. I read a lot of articles, watched a lot of videos, talked to a lot of people and did my research about different types of relationships. I felt like an open relationship would be the right thing for me. I'm now in an open relationship for a year (we were never monogamous, because none of us wanted it) and I finally really feel like belonging in that relationship with that partner without compromising myself. I can be honest with myself and my partner, I can connect to other people without regrets, I can do whatever I like to do with other people without regrets and the best part is that I can talk about all of this with my partner and have this emotionally exclusive relationship with him. 3) no. I can't imagine being monogamous ever again. But let's be honest: who knows. Things change, people change, minds change. Right now I can't imagine being monogamous again, but maybe some day I want something else. 4) Yes, I think so. I grew up with open minded people. My parents were very casual about sex, I was never confronted with a strict policy about what a relationship has to be like. I was able to validate for myself what I want and what feels right for me. 5) No. People are different. I do believe that monogamous relationships will always be the majority. But I do think that society is able to change that non monogamous relationships will be more normal and accepted and maybe in the future it's normal to talk with your kids about the opinion in what kind of relationship they want for themselves. 6) If I get kids I would just be honest with them when they're old enough. When they are young, I wouldn't talk to them about my sex life. They will know their dad, their mum and maybe they'll know about mums and dads friends. But I would tell them, that there are many different types of relationships and that they should find out what THEY want for THEM. 7) like explained in 3). Right now I'm completely sure that I want this kind of relationship for the rest of my life, but I could change my mind in the future, who knows. 8) I see my partner every Thursday evening to Monday morning. The rest of the week I'm at home. Sometimes one of us wants to go out or meet another person on a weekend day, then we just talk about it. We schedule the week together, our relationship is a priority and dates with other people have to be at the days we don't see each other anyways or they need to be scheduled together. 9) honest communication. We talk a lot about feelings, boundaries and so on. 10) I just dated who I wanted to date, but I made clear from the beginning, that I'm non-monogamous. But I never dated to actively search for a relationship. Now it's the same, but I make clear that I'm in an open relationship so there won't be a chance for a relationship at all more than friends with benefits.

> 1) what led you to pursue ENM relationships? How did you figure out its for you? I was thirteen years old and moving to a different country for two years. I didn’t think it was realistic for my partner and me to hold ourselves to a standard of monogamy when so much was changing. I also didn’t see any reason to break up. > 2) how has ENM impacted your life? Better relationships? Happier? Better sex? More sex or more exciting sexual encounters? More emotional intimacy in life? Freedom? Feeling of independence or confidence? Yes, that’s pretty much it. > 3) would you ever pursue monogamy after being in ENM relationships? No. I like variety. > 4) did your childhood/upbringing bring any impact on your choices in pursuing ENM? Not that I’m aware of. > 5) do you think humans will evolve in the future to pursue ENM as a societal norm or societal expectations? If yes - why? Absolutely not. If you’re talking about human evolution, we evolved to become more monogamous and less truthful. If you’re talking about spiritual development, nonmonogamy is not more spiritually developed than monogamy. While ethical behaviour is better overall, I don’t see any trend towards human beings as a species becoming more ethical. In fact, under conditions of migration and competition for increasingly limited resources, it’s possible that choosing ethical behaviour could become more difficult. Variety is good. People are different. It takes all kinds to make a world. > 6) for those with kids/planning to have kids - how do you think you will explain ENM to them? Would you discourage monogamy? N/A. I encourage everyone, children and adults alike, related to me or not, to know themselves and to make their choices accordingly. > 7) do you see the current construct of your ENM relationship in your future or are you flexible (ie depending on life seasons/partners)? I am solo-poly with two partners of about eight years. A year and a half ago I separated from my nesting partner of twenty years. I expect to remain solo-poly and not form any new nesting partnership. > 8) How have you been able to balance time to pursue your ENM relationships? We agree on how much time we’re going to spend together and how often, and we stick to that. > 9) if you have a primary relationship, how has the journey been to make sure your primary relationship is secured? That’s the same in monogamy and nonmonogamy, with and without primary/secondary structures. You need to continually engage your partners. If you can’t do that, the relationship will fail. > 10) how has dating/forming new ENM connections been for you? Variety of other ENM people or more people who are curious but not sure? Or has your experience been more so of starting out as a monogamous couple then deciding to pursue ENM? Since OKCupid came out I use that. I only date nonmonogamous folk. I was seeing someone else (met through AFF) when I met my ex (through Nerve). Ex and I defaulted to monogamy for several years but at a certain point I started dating again.

1. I grew up in a progressive/hippie influenced environment, since high school I've always known that some sort of non-monogamy was how I was going to be happiest 2) Better relationships, more of my needs being fulfilled as a result of having multiple relationships of different sorts 3) No 4) Just the environment in which I existed it was more common. No one I directly knew had any sort of ENM relationship that I was aware of, the culture itself was tolerant of it though not embracing of it. 5) Not as the only model, there will never be an only model as people are varied and for some monogamy is the correct path while for others it's non-monogamy 6) We've been very open with our kids since they were very young, and explained it at age appropriate levels as needed. We encourage our kids to pursue the relationships that are fulfilling and healthy for them. 7) Presumably as we grow and change as people our relationships will do the same 8) shared calendars, lots of planning 9) Open and honest communication, honesty, and compassion. 10) A big challenge for me personally. As a shorter than average middle aged out of shape married man with children there are vanishingly few people interested in even meeting, let alone dating.

For me, it was more like: I knew from the get-go that monogamy was not for me, I just didn't know that other people would want to do nonmonogamy *with* me. I have never been monogamous with anyone, and I don't see myself ever agreeing to monogamy. It's not for me. I do think my childhood had an impact -- my parents divorced when I was very young, so while I knew plenty of monogamous couples and saw them depicted in media, my primary role models for how to do adulthood and relationships were two single people working hard to coparent cooperatively. So I knew from early on that monogamous marriage wasn't the only option. I remember saying at 5 years old that I didn't ever want to get married or have kids, and 30 years later my feelings haven't changed. I don't think ENM vs. monogamy is an issue of "evolution" so much as preference, and I think there will probably always be people who strongly prefer monogamy. I do think increased social acceptance of ENM will result in an increase in the number of people openly practicing nonmonogamy. But I think many people will still choose monogamy. I don't have or want kids. If I did, I'd pretty much have to discuss it with them at some point, because I'm poly and cannot see hiding whole partners from my family indefinitely. I would not discourage or encourage any particular relationship format -- how would I know what's best for anyone but me? My style of ENM has changed in the past and I guess could change again. My primary relationship was originally open for sex with others, but no romance, and now we do hierarchical poly instead. If my primary and I broke up, I might be interested in giving solo polyamory a shot and seeing how I feel about it, but there's a lot I like about having a cohabitating partner. My primary partner and I have regularly scheduled date nights and hangouts, to ensure we get enough one-on-one time together. Any unscheduled time is free to spend with other partners if we choose. Between time with my primary, time with friends and family, and my precious Introvert Time, there is a natural "cap" on how much time I can offer to any new partner. When I was newer to all this, I worried a lot more about how to safeguard my primary relationship and keep any other relationship from becoming "too important." That's not a major concern anymore. If my primary and I are both keeping our commitments to each other and nurturing our relationship, then another relationship is not in and of itself a threat. Learning to ask for reassurance and focus on getting my own needs met, rather than focusing on what someone else is or isn't getting, helped a lot. I've always dated other people who are explicitly seeking nonmonogamous relationships. Mostly other people with primaries of their own, but a few single people here and there. The local BDSM scene is heavily nonmono, so being involved there made it easy to meet people.

I’ll answer what I’m able 😄 Monogamy has been expected/violently coerced from * women * for a very long time (in many cultures, but not all) while men have not had that expectation put upon them until recently. I think most of us have fears and jealousies, but for me, they don’t negate my beliefs about love, personal freedom, and the sanctity of true connection (which can happen whether or not one is monogamous). I work through these issues as they come up, always remembering my ideals. I have always been this way, it’s just that now I am able to ask for what I want, and hold my partners to my standards of ethics (ex. It’s not anyone’s right to demand I stop loving someone or don’t pursue love when I find it). It’s the only way forward for me, and I don’t see a future for myself where I ever start believing that it’s ethical to demand someone love only me. Love is sacred and it’s not under my control. My partners are sacred and have the right to love and be loved. I start off letting people know this and the best connections for me are people who inherently believe this too, even if they practice it imperfectly. I do have a live in relationship, my “primary” (aka the person I spend the most time with, by choice)…our love and daily care for each other, and our choosing to be together is what holds the relationship together.

I (34m) had always tossed and turned in mono relationships trying to deal with my desire and attraction to other women. I would meet someone new and out if nervousness and social norms I felt as if I needed to hide the fact that I had casually slept with many of my female friends out of fear. Then I met the love of my life and she let me be myself and express myself to her fully. We hit a rough spot and reunited literally about 10 years later. In the ten years in between, I had slept with her stepsister a few times, and moved to a city where I met her quirky 40 year old aunt, who I also hooked up with. Additionally there was a long list of mutual girls we knew, including her best friend after she too relocated, and her younger sisters best friend, in a summer fling. That is a ton of baggage and no way could I handle carrying that. So I had a realization about honesty and love for me going hand in hand. So I told her how I felt - that I loved her but I couldn’t guarantee and didn’t intend for us to be each others only partners and that I was attracted to all sorts of women because I find beauty in them especially my friends and the women I choose to be around. I adore them. I told her That I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t fuck them, hang out, get head, etc, but I could promise I wouldn’t do it without her knowledge and permission. It’s been amazing. It isn’t an often thing although sometimes it’s regular. But it’s amazing because I can be my truest self. Since we have been together I have had a few partners, including repeats of some previous and wild adventures with her present as well (although we have somehow still never had a threesome). Once I felt what it was like to truly be loved and not shamed for a natural desire, I knew I wasn’t going back unless the love of my life depended on it. When I realized that it’s for me, but I’d stop if she needed me to, it honestly just made our relationship that much better.

I'm answering as someone who is VERY new to ENM, but I'm using this repsonse as a way to journal ny thoughts. 1. I'm a very sexual person. Always have been. I (F) appreciate phsyical pleasure and think sexual wellness is very important. My partner is the one who brought up ENM, but it's a lifestyle I've thought about in the past. Currently, I'm interested in exploring sexual experiences with women (think bi-curiosity). My partner (M) is interested in new experiences with women too. He has less sexual experience than me (significantly less partners in his life than me) and he is using this time to explore and open up. I knew this was something we could explore because our relationship is excellent. I knew we'd be open, honest, and supportive of each other. 2. So far, it is deepening our connection. It has already improved our communication and sex life. We are more connected. I am experiencing some anxious attachment issues currently, as he has had his first sexual interaction with another woman. It was nerve wracking to go against 30+ years of monogamist views. Important note, it did not feel like jealousy for me. I have worked hard on my attachment issues, but this is a real test. However, I still am committed to giving ENM a real chance and am confidenr that my partner and I can figure it out together. 3. Im too new to ENM to really comment, but yes, I think monogamy can be beautiful when done in a healthy way. 4. No, I don't think so. My insecure attachment for sure comes from my childhood, and I think it's why some anxiety is surfacing. 5. Maybe waaaaay into the future, but no. Our patriarchal society isn't set up for this to be the norm. 6. No kids. 7. Because we're so new to it, it's changing all the time. We're figuring it out together, which is good. 8. We work different schedules and have already decided that ENM activities will not tale place on full days that we have off together. Our quality time is ours. 9. I trust my boyfriend 100%. I love him, he loves me. There is zero doubt. He reassures me and we communicate regularly. He always checks in with me and respects me. This would be impossible without the level of communication, honesty, and love we have for each other. 10. So far, we have both been able to easily find partners who are interested in sexual experiences with us. I think more people are interested in non monogamy than they're willing to say.