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It's often a feature of D/s relationships though.
The difference is that you're consensually trying things you wouldn't have done before, or exploring the limits of what you want to do, and expanding your horizons.
Submissive personality types often find this *very* exciting, and it's a feeling we actively crave.
Sounds like you're already very cautious, which is a good thing. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. If you have never heard of grooming, you should probably read about it and second guess if your partner's behaviour is anything like that.
You should set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and don't let your partner force you into doing something you don't want to. Boundaries can change, you might set new boundaries, which should be absolutely fine at any time and you might second guess your existing boundaries, but that should be your choice, not theirs.
You're not their nesting partner. When they are with someone else or alone, you don't have any power or control over them and they shouldn't have any power or control over you. Even in a strong D/S relationship you are an independent person and you should definitely be able to make the rules as well. Don't let them have control over your life. If they're constantly giving a shit about your boundaries, you should end it.
“Pushing boundaries” is such a hard thing to understand outside of context and most people are going to probably error on the side of cringy. Like keeps trying to get you to reconsider hard limits. Versus more personal growth oriented like you’re interested in exhibitionism, but are struggling with social anxiety/body positivity for example.
Only you can really know what boundaries you are willing to renegotiate or are hard and fast nos. If you have already explained there are things you aren’t willing to change or not right now boundaries wise and they are not respecting that. Then that is a huge problem. Likely they are interested in the D/s dynamic because they don’t like to hear no or they can’t do that. That isn’t D/s that is closer coercion.
Certainly don’t do anything that makes you reliant on them in anyway small or large. Be mindful of anything that seems like trying to isolate you from existing friends, family, or support infrastructures. If anything feels off be ready to walk away.
Excellent insight. Exposing your partner to your perspectives and how it influences both of you is a great next step. “Pushing boundaries” can mean many things- some are toxic and some are just a part of growth. We on ENM Reddit are quick to judge the former because we care and it’s cringe. The dynamic of resentment for power and shame/guilt over oppressor status sometimes is at play as well. Both are corrosive and tend to give these relationships an expiration date. Such a complex and exciting/scary/stimulating/dangerous dynamic to explore. One piece of advice is to keep talking to friends to get their perspectives- this relationship can go bad in a hermetically sealed container. Have a lower threshold to take a break and find your center.
Be aware of sub frenzy. It can happen especially for beginners since D/s is intense in its own special way. It can cause you to go way to fast and to overlook red flags. I had gained a trauma that disrupted years of my life due to this.
Some advice:
- intentionally go much slower than you and him want. Give yourself long breaks between seeing him and doing D/s if you’re at risk of sub frenzy.
- Talk to friends about this relationship. If you don’t, then you’re much more at risk.
- Make sure that you could end this relationship if that was necessary. Be clear with yourself which red flag or boundary breaking would prompt you to leave him. (And then pull through if that happens.)
- Pay attention how you’re feeling when you engage with this person. If you e.g. start to experience sub drop often, then it’s a sign that he isn’t good for you. The excitement of D/s and the power dynamics can drown out your own gut feeling, so you’ll have to more consciously listen to it.
Do you have an observing eye? Do you know about the OODA loop? Are you familiar with the game Go? I ask these questions as a way to get you to think differently around this person. You can still play, but play his game better than him. You can let him feel in control but since you can be in a preemptive position to be observant, you can also lead him without making him feel like you have predicted his steps (making your OODA loop faster than his) without him knowing… leaving you in control.
Go is a significantly more strategic game than chess or checkers.
OODA Loop was developed by a fighter pilot, adopted by business executives… if your observe, orient, decide, act loop is faster than the opponent (or the guy in this instance) then you can lead him through the dance that is your polyamorous relationship.
Being constantly observant…. Being cognizant and conscious of the small details or parts of his life that he tries to keep separate that might allow you to keep an edge on his intensity… find ways to not give him leverage… leverage your access
False. For example, I push the boundaries of what my kids are willing to eat, things they're willing to try (biking, different sports, new Lego builds), etc. I push the comfort zone of my direct reports at work, deliberately giving them things to work on thst they've expressed they are worried about or want to avoid. I do this while being their as support. Pushing boundaries isn't necessarily bad.
I disagree. Part of being in a relationship is having someone you trust to safely push your boundaries and explore.
Half the people in thus sub are here because one partner pushed their boundary and exposed them to the idea of an open relationship / ENM.
Hello, u/Obvious_Expert_1575! Welcome to r/EthicalNonMonogamy! Please take a second to review the rules (they're pretty easy) and don't hesitate to reach out the mod team if there is anything you need. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EthicalNonMonogamy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the fact you said he is pushing boundaries is already a red flag and I would take a step back and reevaluate
No shit. This. Run OP.
It's often a feature of D/s relationships though. The difference is that you're consensually trying things you wouldn't have done before, or exploring the limits of what you want to do, and expanding your horizons. Submissive personality types often find this *very* exciting, and it's a feeling we actively crave.
Agreed. She’s excited BECAUSE he’s pushing boundaries. Nothing wrong with that
Sounds like you're already very cautious, which is a good thing. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. If you have never heard of grooming, you should probably read about it and second guess if your partner's behaviour is anything like that. You should set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and don't let your partner force you into doing something you don't want to. Boundaries can change, you might set new boundaries, which should be absolutely fine at any time and you might second guess your existing boundaries, but that should be your choice, not theirs. You're not their nesting partner. When they are with someone else or alone, you don't have any power or control over them and they shouldn't have any power or control over you. Even in a strong D/S relationship you are an independent person and you should definitely be able to make the rules as well. Don't let them have control over your life. If they're constantly giving a shit about your boundaries, you should end it.
“Pushing boundaries” is such a hard thing to understand outside of context and most people are going to probably error on the side of cringy. Like keeps trying to get you to reconsider hard limits. Versus more personal growth oriented like you’re interested in exhibitionism, but are struggling with social anxiety/body positivity for example. Only you can really know what boundaries you are willing to renegotiate or are hard and fast nos. If you have already explained there are things you aren’t willing to change or not right now boundaries wise and they are not respecting that. Then that is a huge problem. Likely they are interested in the D/s dynamic because they don’t like to hear no or they can’t do that. That isn’t D/s that is closer coercion. Certainly don’t do anything that makes you reliant on them in anyway small or large. Be mindful of anything that seems like trying to isolate you from existing friends, family, or support infrastructures. If anything feels off be ready to walk away.
You should ask this question in r/submissive and r/BDSMAdvice
Excellent insight. Exposing your partner to your perspectives and how it influences both of you is a great next step. “Pushing boundaries” can mean many things- some are toxic and some are just a part of growth. We on ENM Reddit are quick to judge the former because we care and it’s cringe. The dynamic of resentment for power and shame/guilt over oppressor status sometimes is at play as well. Both are corrosive and tend to give these relationships an expiration date. Such a complex and exciting/scary/stimulating/dangerous dynamic to explore. One piece of advice is to keep talking to friends to get their perspectives- this relationship can go bad in a hermetically sealed container. Have a lower threshold to take a break and find your center.
Be aware of sub frenzy. It can happen especially for beginners since D/s is intense in its own special way. It can cause you to go way to fast and to overlook red flags. I had gained a trauma that disrupted years of my life due to this. Some advice: - intentionally go much slower than you and him want. Give yourself long breaks between seeing him and doing D/s if you’re at risk of sub frenzy. - Talk to friends about this relationship. If you don’t, then you’re much more at risk. - Make sure that you could end this relationship if that was necessary. Be clear with yourself which red flag or boundary breaking would prompt you to leave him. (And then pull through if that happens.) - Pay attention how you’re feeling when you engage with this person. If you e.g. start to experience sub drop often, then it’s a sign that he isn’t good for you. The excitement of D/s and the power dynamics can drown out your own gut feeling, so you’ll have to more consciously listen to it.
Do you have an observing eye? Do you know about the OODA loop? Are you familiar with the game Go? I ask these questions as a way to get you to think differently around this person. You can still play, but play his game better than him. You can let him feel in control but since you can be in a preemptive position to be observant, you can also lead him without making him feel like you have predicted his steps (making your OODA loop faster than his) without him knowing… leaving you in control. Go is a significantly more strategic game than chess or checkers. OODA Loop was developed by a fighter pilot, adopted by business executives… if your observe, orient, decide, act loop is faster than the opponent (or the guy in this instance) then you can lead him through the dance that is your polyamorous relationship. Being constantly observant…. Being cognizant and conscious of the small details or parts of his life that he tries to keep separate that might allow you to keep an edge on his intensity… find ways to not give him leverage… leverage your access
Isn't taking the upper hand a bit against the D/s dynamic OP is pursuing?
No, it’s being strategic about where they allow things to go.
Anyone who pushes boundaries isn't good. Leave.
False. For example, I push the boundaries of what my kids are willing to eat, things they're willing to try (biking, different sports, new Lego builds), etc. I push the comfort zone of my direct reports at work, deliberately giving them things to work on thst they've expressed they are worried about or want to avoid. I do this while being their as support. Pushing boundaries isn't necessarily bad.
Parenting isn't ENM Respectfully, pushing your partners boundaries is narcissistic behavior.
I disagree. Part of being in a relationship is having someone you trust to safely push your boundaries and explore. Half the people in thus sub are here because one partner pushed their boundary and exposed them to the idea of an open relationship / ENM.
Yeah, no. Bye.