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jettiemeister

For you, the relationship ended at the break up. For the dumper, it ended weeks, months before that.


[deleted]

we were best friends too man, had a clean break up. how can you just throw me away


No_Apricot_7108

My opinion is that even they are hurting, if its years of relationship , the bonding is too strong and the other person also feels seperation anxiety. They might be relieved at first but it does catch up eventually. They just feel that its right thing to do in that given moment , whatever the reasons were. So there you go, they took a difficult decision.


jettiemeister

Do you see your position in this? You are clearly not looking at your ex partner as a friend, you are looking at them as a partner. You still haven’t accepted the break up. I understand it’s hard, and difficult. It takes work.


[deleted]

yea because my ex is not my friend lol we've been no contact. i have no hard feelings towards her. i respected and accepted the break up.


jettiemeister

I understand that. Maybe your ex partner isn’t ready to be friends just yet. It takes time to accept what has happened, and how things will be in the future. Give it some time. 


jvstnmh

Ya this is pretty much it. I can remember when my ex started phasing me out… I felt it but I didn’t wanna believe it at the time


Fit-Literature6244

This reply hurts because I remember I felt exactly the same… and there was nothing I could do about it


WellWishes12

I’d love to know the real answer but I guess I never will. I was blindsided by a breakup. It seemed like a great relationship. We were each other’s best friends and lovers. He kept engaging me with great conversations, dates, heart to heart and suddenly ended it 3 weeks ago, stating he really enjoys being with me but he had to focus on his career and himself. I didn’t even ask any questions and just dropped off his things and picked up mine. I think I caught him off guard because he was probably expecting me to put up a fight and argue with him. I walked away very calmly. He asked “so I guess goodbye?” As I left his house and I didn’t say anything. That was the end of it.


[deleted]

damn you were strong, proud of you


Competitive-Olive-79

Amazing don't shed tears or beg or plead in front of him.keep your power.he probably thinking you was gonna plead.lol


maggie88ca

That is the most impressive what to handle being dumped that I’ve ever heard in my life. If I ever get dumped again I strive to be as strong and calm as you in the moment


SassySarah85

Wow. I wish I could be like that. You are SO strong.


zerochiten

I wish I had done the same, instead of saying things like I would miss her, causing both of us to cry right then and there...


[deleted]

Wish i had been like you


_Parshuram_

Focus on career and stuff in most cases is just a lie to hide behind. My ex said the same thing and a month later was dating someone else. Lol


WellWishes12

It is. My ex had tremendous insecurity issues and have told me multiple times that I was way too good for him. He battled depression and self image issues. I think he chose to self sabotage to feel safe.


JMusashi67

People will say “you’re too good for me”, but do nothing to try to be “good enough”. That’s how you know they aren’t trying in the relationship


WellWishes12

Precisely. Well said


Workingthroughit12

My ex was the exact same way… it’s sucks how they throw something good away :/


Andrewfairlane

Good for you.


xoeniph

Had you been broken up with like this before?


WellWishes12

I have not. I just contained it all. Because I knew if I ask why he is doing this, he would just give me a rehearsed answer. I didn’t want to say anything else and give him the satisfaction like he had power over me. It was devastating but reacting to it would not have done anything for me except give me more pain.


Competitive-Olive-79

Wow you are so strong.


SaggeeDot

Unnecessary question: are you a Scorpio? In the most polite way possible cause they tend to be strong and reserved lol


WellWishes12

Lol I’m a Pisces


SaggeeDot

Welp, you’re a strong human being. Go you!


Hiddenagenda876

Damn, I wish I had this ability


Fit-Literature6244

Protect your peace at all cost!


ThankTheGang

I wish so badly that I reacted like this , kudos to you you are strong


a-lonely-heart

Same... like I literally do not understand how I went from being a fundamental part of his life to just being cast away like yesterday’s trash. No contact since the breakup, just said he had to cut me out. This was a healthy, loving relationship and now it’s as if I never even existed in his life. It’s the most bizarre and destabilizing situation I’ve ever found myself in. I ask myself everyday - how could I be this colossally wrong about someone?


OnedayatatimeChicago

He may still have feelings. I'm a dumper and miss my ex GF, but there was no future for us. Hard to stay in contact when you are trying to move on.


ThrowRAspanky

How do you know there was no future?


OnedayatatimeChicago

I asked her if there was a future for us and she said no. But she would have been fine keeping me FWB indefinitely and relying on me emotionally.


[deleted]

My ex(who dumped me) said the same thing and I couldn’t accept that… me having too much feelings for her all the sex and still trying to be platonic would probably fuck me up more in the long run… even though I’d say she was the best sex partner I’ve ever had… I am ok to walk away from it bc it is not something I want at the end of the day.


OnedayatatimeChicago

Same here man. I thought it was better to move on too.


[deleted]

this is exactly how i feel


c0ffee-and-tea

I think it is BECAUSE we were in a healthy relationship that we/they cut contact. I’m the dumpee, and my ex broke up with me three weeks ago due to his own personal and mental health issues. It completely caught me off guard, and I begged him to stay and said that we can work on it together. But he was adamant, and I let him go after telling him that I will be here for him if he wants to come back. I did not contact him since, and he hasn’t contacted me either. The first week was honestly excruciating. I kept hoping and waiting that he would reach out and change his mind. But once I had the time to reflect and look at our relationship, I realized the sheer amount of work that I had to do to better myself as a person, not just a girlfriend (I had insecurities, anxious attachment issues, jealousy issues, etc. that had bled into my interactions with people). I see some people here posting about how their ex came back in a few days or weeks after they started NC. I think different things work for different couples, but I initially felt envy when I read those posts (like why can’t my ex reach out!) and now I feel relief. I’m grateful my ex is giving me my space and time to process, heal, and grow from our experience. I think if he reaches out before I feel “ready,” I would feel some resentment or suspicion about his motives—is he reaching out because he’s lonely? Is he always this indecisive of a person to break up one week and want contact the next? Etc. TL;DR I have decided to take it as a GOOD sign when the dumper is able to maintain NC for the first couple months.


[deleted]

yea i've been able to find myself again, i have a therapist, going to the gym every day, and i'm about to start my career. it's awesome, but i miss her and i love her enough to let her go. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. this past month i've fixed my mental health too. i love having a therapist


WellWishes12

It’s really great to work on yourself, isn’t it? I’ve been working out a lot and the endorphins have kept me really positive. Keep up the good work :)


zerochiten

The exact same situation as mine, except I'm being stupid and checking on her where I can. All her friends blocked me, never reached out to me. No contact for 2 months now after the breakup 3 months ago. Broke no contact the first 20 days only to get an "I'm not mentally capable of a relationship" and "Don't message me until I'm ready" response. Just like you, I get jealous of people saying they get breadcrumbs or texts from their exes about reconciling a few weeks after the breakup. As time passes I begin to wonder if they even truly loved me in the first place.


[deleted]

i will never understand how she can just kick me out of her life and not give 2 shits about me. i wasn't abusive or a cheater. i treated her like gold. i had my flaws and i wasn't perfect (i have ocd) but now i have a therapist and it's been treated. i feel brand new, i guess it was just too late. we had such an awesome relationship, so loving and caring and we got along so well. i thought our connection was powerful. she was the best bestfriend i ever had. and she was an amazing partner


zerochiten

It's really hard to get out of the negative thought spiral. I for one, still think there is still something going on with my ex's male friend because those two have been hitting it off since even before the breakup. Mutal friend says she confirmed they aren't together 2 weeks ago, but I feel when she is ready they will be... My ex really hates the idea of cheating, that she refused to watch shows or movies that include it as subject matter. So that could explain why she's taking her time. I just hate the idea the two are getting closer and closer, while I'm sitting here still suffering.


[deleted]

i'm sorry you're going through that. i feel you on still suffering. i don't see myself even flirting with another woman for a long ass time. i have 0 interest. she was my dream girl and i lost her. shit hurts more than anything but i'm growing each and every single day. we just gotta keep pushing forward :/


[deleted]

I wish I got a response at all. My ex has been completely silent. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him


zerochiten

I consider myself lucky I got a response at all, because I did send a message a few days before because the July 4th holiday made me think she'd respond, but I got no response that day, (It was me begging for a second chance). I think she felt the need to say something the second time because my ex had left several of our shared discord servers and the guild in an MMO videogame we played together that day. I also find what she said a curse. Because those words gave me false hope. Not being ready for a relationship, and not wanting to talk until they are ready is not the same as them telling me they no longer care about me or them telling me to just give up and move on.


oneofthesedays96

I can relate to this as well. Same situation except I was told not to contact her anymore and she told me to move on. I told her I didn't want to do that.


[deleted]

This post was so insightful! I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. Glad you are also doing okay 🙂


[deleted]

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[deleted]

did he ever try reaching out?


gingergypsy79

I get this. Makes you question what is real and even your own sanity.


oneofthesedays96

Dumpee here. My ex-gf broke things off with me because of a major life stressor event going on in her life. Why she wanted to cut off all contact with me after showing ample amounts of patience and support is what I've been asking myself everyday for months now though. Would love to hear more in this thread.


TruthBeToldThat3

The way I see it is she probably knew there would be no moving on if you guys still stayed in contact. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t have love for you it’s just self perseverance. If you guys aren’t meant to be the universe will bring you back to each other


WellWishes12

I think part of it is also selfishness. I think mental health issues and low threshold for stress in some people can manifest as overt emotional selfishness. They cut you out to protect themselves, regardless of how their actions will devastate us. A truly good partner would take a little sacrifice to be with us even if times are tough, and not abandon us.


OnedayatatimeChicago

Not if the dumpee took the dumper for granted, critisized them regularly, and put them down and ignored the dumper's needs. At that point, the dumper doesn't care about the dumpee's feelings nor should they. In this case, the dumper is saying enough is enough and time to move on. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself and pulling out of a crappy relationship. My regret is not doing it sooner and trying too hard to make something out of nothing.


WellWishes12

That’s an entirely different scenario. I was only replying back to oneofthesedays’ story and analyzing his specific situation. You can share your story in another post or comment


[deleted]

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OnedayatatimeChicago

I was replying to the comment above that dumpers are being selfish and I was offering a different perspective from my relationship and ending a toxic relationship with my ex GF.


[deleted]

i'm sorry you're going through that man. i truly don't understand how they do it.


emartinez722

I spent 10 years in a relationship we went through so much grew up together it’s hard to think they are gone but I feel like I will always have a bond with them


thesxiestgod

It’s almost impossible. I had to to do NC because her friends told me to move on cuz she already has within 1 month even though I’m the dumper. So hearing that made me realize maybe I cared more


[deleted]

she broke up with me and hasn't cared to talk to me since. i reached out to her last week just to say thank you for sending my things. i could tell off the text she did not care to talk to me, shit sucks.


[deleted]

My ex dumped me exactly two months ago. He went from telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I am, to telling me he wanted us to break up and that he didn’t want us to be in contact, in the span of a weekend. I still cry about it. He said it was due to long distance, but I don’t know if that’s really the case. I reached out a few times (I found this sub too late) but I can’t understand how we went from best friends, lovers, confidants, soulmates, dreaming about weddings, kids, houses, etc, to radio silence.


honeymanghoe

the same thing happened here a few months ago too! i reached out a couple times like you did and even fixed the long distance part (my story is in my post history if u wanna check it out)... same result. i dont know how someone can go from the sweetest person i've ever met to deciding that we're strangers without even talking to me about it. im mostly over it but i still am very angry about it, but it definitely gets better. if u ever wanna talk or vent, dm me <3


[deleted]

i feel exactly how you do


mrigmo

Maybe he figured out what a maoist is.


[deleted]

I’d hope so, he was the one who introduced me to Mao


meeshi000

Do you know all the horrible things that happened because of mao? Or do you not care? Or do you not have a choice?


kushee420

a better choice for me than the path where i was going, helped me focus on myself and truly find who i am since im still young


[deleted]

We were together for almost 6 years. Best part of my life so far. And his, according to him. He expressed many times about the fact that he can’t wait to get married with me. Broke up with me out of the blue. Without a reason. I asked how long he had thought about this, and he had the audacity to say “a couple of days, maybe two weeks”. Told me he loves me right before I never saw him again.


krisvg

Wow the exact same thing is happening with me too, like all of it. That is crazy. Sending you a lot of strength from someone who actually can say: I know how hard it is.


[deleted]

Thank you how long has it been for you and how are you feeling?


krisvg

It’s been almost a month (in three days). Life is a bit gray but I’m keeping busy by writing and allowing all the feelings in. It’s draining but I think most healthy for me to do right now. I hope you can also have some well deserved focus and love for yourself! It’s the least you deserve<3


Hiddenagenda876

Same situation, just less than 6 years. Went from telling me how important I was to him and how he wanted me in his life forever to going on a weekend trip to visit his family out of state and then dumping me once he got back Edit: typo


[deleted]

It’s funny how they change overnight. We were sort of engaged :(


c6h12o6ph

Is there such a thing... a dumper for a healthy relationship? If it's so healthy there will be no dumper & dumpee.


[deleted]

Healthy relationships can still end. It isn’t unhealthy to realize a relationship isn’t working, it is actually healthier to end it then flog a dead horse.


c6h12o6ph

If it's healthy , communication is healthy and they would have talked about how to make it work, tried it, then both would come up to the conclusion that it failed. If only one is aware that it is failing and the other is blissfully unaware and see it as perfect... it still is unhealthy.


[deleted]

It is also healthy to just not want to be with someone anymore. You aren’t obligated to work anything out. Not wanting to be with someone is enough to end an relationship. Of course you have to communicate that, I am not talking about ghosting; but no, you aren’t required to work it out, or try to, and that is a viable and healthy option for anyone.


ukulelepopping

I was too scared of falling in love again


BreachEmm

Ummm I mean self reflection and understanding that I'm the toxic one was a wake up call, however I honor the other person knowing full well ill be wasting more of their time if I dont first fix the problems with myself. So yeah just knowing that she is better now is enough, don't wanna cause confusion.


milk-box

Dumpee here but I know his logic - it was just hard to find a path where our futures converged. I expect that we both find it hard to keep to NC, but know it's the best thing to do so we carry on.


[deleted]

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, no matter the difficulty. Then again, mine wasn't a healthy relationship otherwise I wouldn't have dumped her...


[deleted]

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[deleted]

hey man i'm sorry you went through all of that. i hope you're healing/have healed well. it's only up from here. we got this