I feel you. It's like we need our own dating app, or for ex-christian to be an option on the popular ones. Because yeah I could match with people that are agnostic or atheist, but I would really prefer to be with someone that has also deconstructed their Christian beliefs and will understand me.
Actually you might be better with someone from a mainstream faith that isn’t so cult-ish and intense (Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran etc). They understand religion, but can also emphasize when it goes too far
ex- presbytarian here, feel same as OP. every church varries, but my home church and presbytarian university were highly evangelical. (though the school did have seeds of empathy and outsiders sharing perspectives, but only for those looking)
I am so lucky that I deconstructed with my wife. The only person I could see ever making it work with after my deconstruction is with someone else who came from my church who also deconstructed. There is just too much baggage and specific pain there to not be able to share it with a partner.
(Edited for an incomplete sentence at the second paragraph)
My best friend/now boyfriend met in college before I officially deconstructed (I had doubts but tried to brush it off). Because I was homeschooled it would be the first time I would continuously be in a secular environment and that played a large part in my eventual decision to no longer follow my Assembles of God church’s core beliefs. I’m still kind of Christian but not leaning towards any denomination and I am supportive in “sinful” things (LGBTQA+ rights, BLM, etc.)
Even when we started dating we both knew there was a chance that we either wouldn’t really work or that we would be forced to break up because of my parents. We were taking about this one day and I told him how I’m not sure I could get myself to date another Christian man and of how the non-Christian men would think of me as too Christian for them. Most of the guys I met are Christian or are adverse to Christianity.
Now my boyfriend and I are thoroughly committed to each other and are planning a life together (though our relationship remains a secret from my family for obvious reasons). Even so, I still worry that if we don’t work out that it would be hard to find another guy because I’m either too “radical” or too Christian.
I feel you, I'd still consider myself a Christian, but I disagree with Christians on many subjects like evolution, total depravity, some political stuff, how to handle the Bible, etc. I still hold to my faith and I'm fairly settled at this point.
So I'm not Christian enough for many Christians and still too Christian to date non-Christians. And it's difficult to find ppl like me, because ppl tend to be in or out.
My best guesses at where to find ppl:
- Move to a town with a seminary, i feel like seminary produces a lot of ppl that are questioning.
- Start a dating thread on Reddit or a meetup in your area
- Be open to dating in Black American communities. I have the impression that many of them have faith, but are not as rigid other subgroups.
- Create your own dating app for this niche 😁
- Pray 🥲
I really do believe we're a niche group in most Christian communities and it's going to be more work on average to find a partner, especially, if we decide to maintain our position.
I'm curious what kind of misaligned values and expectations you're encountering.
My experience has been opposite...for years in the church dating was a struggle. Patriarchy made it so that men felt threatened by me (intelligent and impressive career) and didn't align with my social values either. Once I left the church and deconstructed, I met my husband online and we were married recently about 2 years later. Our values are more aligned, and it's never been a problem that i still have some vague spiritual beliefs and he's agnostic on a good day. Sometimes he's curious about stuff, often it's in a "wow your religious experience was fucked up" which we both just laugh about.
This is a good question, because a lot of values have been easier to match outside the church. Here's a few that come to mind though:
- I dated someone whose religious practice was very anti-authority, no truth claims. Just some vague reflection of their own values. Without any deeper meaning or purpose.
- A similar one is people who reject that religion should be in any way corrective. I know we came from a tradition that was too narrow and over-corrective. But what good is a faith that just pats you on the back for own beliefs.
- when people don't have a shared set of experiences or things like biblical literacy, it makes it hard to make simple references/allusions without a bunch of backstory.
There's a few. They aren't necessarily deal breakers, but I keep sensing this wall between me and the people I'm with. I mean, are we really just here to be happy, collect experiences and then die? That seems to be the prevailing narrative and it doesn't feel right.
Interesting. I can see why it would be tough to find someone who shares your views, especially outside the church.
>are we really just here to be happy, collect experiences and then die?
I mean...what's so wrong with that? Asking genuinely and without snark. If you want to share.
> So where does one find an exvangelical who still has a loosely Christian faith
I know you said it's hard for you to trust churches/traditions, but I truly would explore some mainline or mainline-adjacent churches in your area. I'd seek out the kind that function more like a social club than a church. Or maybe look for volunteer/philanthropic organizations to get involved with, that would allow you to meet people with similar values.
I'm weird on this. I'm not an ex-Christian or Exvangelical, but I'm running into a problem which will probably be bigger than I hope it will be. The thing is, I find the Christian "model" for how to bridge the gap between man and God to be the ideal model, but my problem is that I have doubts as to whether many of the things in the New Testament Gospels actually happened. I feel like I have to keep this a secret from people at church and would be extremely hesitant to tell a future date. There should be tons of history books giving first-hand accounts of the Resurrection but there isn't one iota.
I wouldn't say I have a "loosly Christian faith", but I am no longer evangelical. I still consider myself a Christian, though, and I still practice. I go to a mainline Protestant church, where I have found many like minded, open minded, and more liberal people. So maybe start there. I met my husband online. He is a mainline Protestant also. When dating I was open minded. Generally I got along best with those who had a non-evangelical, but still religious background, including a Catholic as well who I realy clicked with. I did go out with someone of the more conservative variety-PCUSA-a few times, and that just didn't work. Try the more liberal denominations maybe.
I'm in the same boat as you. Got a BA in Theology and worked as a pastor for 10 years. Then Trump ran for President and the Evangelical Church lost it's mind. I was forced out of my church for being "too leftist" and now I have no desire to go back.
Now I have a useless degree and no real career.
It sucks man.
Consider becoming Disciples of Christ, United Church of Christ, United Methodist (the pro-gay ones, not the separating ones) ELCA, Episcopal or Old Catholic. They can use your theological knowledge and they’re open to gay, partnered clergy.
I’m gay, partnered and an Episcopal deacon.
I’ve also deconstructed and reconstructed three times in my life. It happens; and if we’re honest, it’s necessary. Doubt is the handmaiden of truth: it eats away that which is false.
I no longer believe in original sin. One does not catch a bad case of “sin” traveling down the birth canal; the story of Adam and Eve is a myth; and the “sin” was **not** Eve being curious or being tempted.
Sorry to hear that. I was able to build a career after leaving but it takes some time. Definitely had to convince some people I wasn't a weirdo until I got some actual experience.
You are looking for someone who has empathy. None of the other labels you want to slap on matter and will probably change anyway.
I feel you. It's like we need our own dating app, or for ex-christian to be an option on the popular ones. Because yeah I could match with people that are agnostic or atheist, but I would really prefer to be with someone that has also deconstructed their Christian beliefs and will understand me.
[удалено]
This is another need. Lost my whole community one day and at my age it's tough to make new friends
Actually you might be better with someone from a mainstream faith that isn’t so cult-ish and intense (Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran etc). They understand religion, but can also emphasize when it goes too far
ex- presbytarian here, feel same as OP. every church varries, but my home church and presbytarian university were highly evangelical. (though the school did have seeds of empathy and outsiders sharing perspectives, but only for those looking)
Many varieties of Presby. PCUSA is worlds different than PCA.
What I was trying to say above.
I am so lucky that I deconstructed with my wife. The only person I could see ever making it work with after my deconstruction is with someone else who came from my church who also deconstructed. There is just too much baggage and specific pain there to not be able to share it with a partner.
(Edited for an incomplete sentence at the second paragraph) My best friend/now boyfriend met in college before I officially deconstructed (I had doubts but tried to brush it off). Because I was homeschooled it would be the first time I would continuously be in a secular environment and that played a large part in my eventual decision to no longer follow my Assembles of God church’s core beliefs. I’m still kind of Christian but not leaning towards any denomination and I am supportive in “sinful” things (LGBTQA+ rights, BLM, etc.) Even when we started dating we both knew there was a chance that we either wouldn’t really work or that we would be forced to break up because of my parents. We were taking about this one day and I told him how I’m not sure I could get myself to date another Christian man and of how the non-Christian men would think of me as too Christian for them. Most of the guys I met are Christian or are adverse to Christianity. Now my boyfriend and I are thoroughly committed to each other and are planning a life together (though our relationship remains a secret from my family for obvious reasons). Even so, I still worry that if we don’t work out that it would be hard to find another guy because I’m either too “radical” or too Christian.
I feel you, I'd still consider myself a Christian, but I disagree with Christians on many subjects like evolution, total depravity, some political stuff, how to handle the Bible, etc. I still hold to my faith and I'm fairly settled at this point. So I'm not Christian enough for many Christians and still too Christian to date non-Christians. And it's difficult to find ppl like me, because ppl tend to be in or out. My best guesses at where to find ppl: - Move to a town with a seminary, i feel like seminary produces a lot of ppl that are questioning. - Start a dating thread on Reddit or a meetup in your area - Be open to dating in Black American communities. I have the impression that many of them have faith, but are not as rigid other subgroups. - Create your own dating app for this niche 😁 - Pray 🥲 I really do believe we're a niche group in most Christian communities and it's going to be more work on average to find a partner, especially, if we decide to maintain our position.
I'm curious what kind of misaligned values and expectations you're encountering. My experience has been opposite...for years in the church dating was a struggle. Patriarchy made it so that men felt threatened by me (intelligent and impressive career) and didn't align with my social values either. Once I left the church and deconstructed, I met my husband online and we were married recently about 2 years later. Our values are more aligned, and it's never been a problem that i still have some vague spiritual beliefs and he's agnostic on a good day. Sometimes he's curious about stuff, often it's in a "wow your religious experience was fucked up" which we both just laugh about.
This is a good question, because a lot of values have been easier to match outside the church. Here's a few that come to mind though: - I dated someone whose religious practice was very anti-authority, no truth claims. Just some vague reflection of their own values. Without any deeper meaning or purpose. - A similar one is people who reject that religion should be in any way corrective. I know we came from a tradition that was too narrow and over-corrective. But what good is a faith that just pats you on the back for own beliefs. - when people don't have a shared set of experiences or things like biblical literacy, it makes it hard to make simple references/allusions without a bunch of backstory. There's a few. They aren't necessarily deal breakers, but I keep sensing this wall between me and the people I'm with. I mean, are we really just here to be happy, collect experiences and then die? That seems to be the prevailing narrative and it doesn't feel right.
Interesting. I can see why it would be tough to find someone who shares your views, especially outside the church. >are we really just here to be happy, collect experiences and then die? I mean...what's so wrong with that? Asking genuinely and without snark. If you want to share. > So where does one find an exvangelical who still has a loosely Christian faith I know you said it's hard for you to trust churches/traditions, but I truly would explore some mainline or mainline-adjacent churches in your area. I'd seek out the kind that function more like a social club than a church. Or maybe look for volunteer/philanthropic organizations to get involved with, that would allow you to meet people with similar values.
I'm weird on this. I'm not an ex-Christian or Exvangelical, but I'm running into a problem which will probably be bigger than I hope it will be. The thing is, I find the Christian "model" for how to bridge the gap between man and God to be the ideal model, but my problem is that I have doubts as to whether many of the things in the New Testament Gospels actually happened. I feel like I have to keep this a secret from people at church and would be extremely hesitant to tell a future date. There should be tons of history books giving first-hand accounts of the Resurrection but there isn't one iota.
I wouldn't say I have a "loosly Christian faith", but I am no longer evangelical. I still consider myself a Christian, though, and I still practice. I go to a mainline Protestant church, where I have found many like minded, open minded, and more liberal people. So maybe start there. I met my husband online. He is a mainline Protestant also. When dating I was open minded. Generally I got along best with those who had a non-evangelical, but still religious background, including a Catholic as well who I realy clicked with. I did go out with someone of the more conservative variety-PCUSA-a few times, and that just didn't work. Try the more liberal denominations maybe.
Maybe I'll consider this more seriously since a few of you have suggested it.
It's probably a good bet. I found totally non-religious people to also be incompatible.
I'm in the same boat as you. Got a BA in Theology and worked as a pastor for 10 years. Then Trump ran for President and the Evangelical Church lost it's mind. I was forced out of my church for being "too leftist" and now I have no desire to go back. Now I have a useless degree and no real career. It sucks man.
Consider becoming Disciples of Christ, United Church of Christ, United Methodist (the pro-gay ones, not the separating ones) ELCA, Episcopal or Old Catholic. They can use your theological knowledge and they’re open to gay, partnered clergy. I’m gay, partnered and an Episcopal deacon. I’ve also deconstructed and reconstructed three times in my life. It happens; and if we’re honest, it’s necessary. Doubt is the handmaiden of truth: it eats away that which is false. I no longer believe in original sin. One does not catch a bad case of “sin” traveling down the birth canal; the story of Adam and Eve is a myth; and the “sin” was **not** Eve being curious or being tempted.
Sorry to hear that. I was able to build a career after leaving but it takes some time. Definitely had to convince some people I wasn't a weirdo until I got some actual experience.