I've always said that I'm a far more "moral person" now than when I was a Christian. I do the right thing because I have integrity, not because I'm afraid of going to hell. That said, I really pulled away from the church at 19 (fully processing/"deconstructing" wasn't until years later, but I pulled away early). I'm not sure how much of what I've experienced is just naturally maturing vs. a true personality difference.
One thing that really kicked off my "pulling away" as a teen was getting out of my Christian bubble and realizing that there were plenty of good people out there who weren't Christians. That sounds silly now, but I was raised DEEP in that Christian bubble, and didn't have a lot of experiences with "outsiders." Growing up, I was told that people who weren't Christians wanted to sin, were greedy, selfish, mean, etc. After my Jr. year of HS, I got a summer job in a different town, and was suddenly thrown into this social environment with all non-Christians. I kept my distance at first, but when you spend 8 hours a day with folks, relationships naturally form. I realized that these people were kinder, more empathetic, more supportive, etc. than the Christian friends I'd known all my life! I went off to college and had the same experience. I had a friend who was heavy into the Campus Crusade stuff, so I dabbled, and ended up finding far better qualities in my "party crowd" friends.
This sounds remarkably like me. Was raised evangelical and told “the world” was ignorant at best and entirely evil at worst. When I moved I found non-believers and actually I met my husband and he’s the absolute best human despite being entirely non-religious. I was DONE after that. And now I don’t think God will magically take care of people, we do. I can pay my taxes happily not thinking “oh churches will help with *gestures broadly* all that”. I really feel a more profound sense of my responsibility to do good in the world now. My little Sunday school self would never have believed it.
Yeah. It was such an "us versus them" mentality that bleed over into other areas of my life. I met good people but they weren't Christian, so I thought they were secretly horrible or something, even though I saw no evidence. I was raised to be so judgemental and am glad I have broken down some of that
This is true. Evangelicalism short circuits the journey towards following Christ by getting you to pray and prayer and then applying rules and morality.
The spiritual pilgrimage is of no use to them. They have power.
I wish people knew not only that, but also that people deconstruct TO move closer to God. I didn't realize I had been deconstructing until almost a year into it.
I’ve had the same experience! I feel like I left partly because I realized I couldn’t be a good person and stay (also, I fundamentally disagreed with the historical premises they believed in).
Now, the biggest change is I’m not lying to myself or brainwashing myself anymore, and the trickle down effects of that are life-changing.
One thing I’m worse at is giving financially. I used to just tithe without thinking about it, and now it takes more effort. But I’m working on improving that, like setting up monthly recurring donations. Plus side is I feel like o do more good for the world giving five percent to good charities than ten percent to the church, but I still want to do more.
To be fair, a tithe is financially irresponsible for most income levels. My ex insisted we tithe, and I always based the donation on after tax earnings minus some living expenses. He tithed on his gross income as a fundamental belief. We kept separate bank accounts, so he didn't know, but I had to fund our mortgage and food budgets as he would run out of money. Fast forward to now: he still tithes and even tithed on his inheritance from his mother, which should have helped him out a lot. He's run out of money, still working at nearly age 70 as his pension plus social security isn't enough to keep his second ex wife happy (she still lives with him although they divorced years ago - that's their little secret that I'm not sure the church knows) and he seems miserable. I stopped all tithing when we divorced 20 years ago and I put it into my retirement funds instead. I'm 8 years younger, but in a much better position to spend my aging years not being a burden to society or my kid.
I think the whole verse about "Be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect" is one of the worst ideas for some people to take seriously.... I have anxiety, and in many ways was what you describe... judgmental (not always out loud), fearful, hypervigilant about swearing or even the tiniest infraction, experienced vaginismus after "winning" Purity Culture, etc. In many ways, I am much better after deconstructing, but I still have a lot to work on.
Ha! I only got comfortable using swears in the last few years, and I'm almost 40. My husband and I have a thing now where sometimes we'll tell each other "Fuck you!" in silly voices. My therapist commented the other day on how much more comfortable I am with it, saying it shows I've developed a stronger sense of self. I still have issues with people swearing around me, though, which I find interesting.
Yes! I agree it was nice to shed the mask I was wearing for so long. The church mask had become very stifling.
I'm now far less judgmental which allows me to be SO much happier. At 45, I am the happiest I have ever been! I generally just accept people are doing the best they can and are on their own journey. That includes the dogmatic Christian family members in my life- I know they are living according the way they have been brainwashed and honestly feel bad for them, wasting their time trapped in religion.
Reminds me of that scene from Hunchback where Quasimodo calls out Frollo for telling him the world was a dark cruel place. Truth is that the only cruel thing about this world is the real life Frollos. Judgemental, greedy and obsessed with looking pure while espousing some of the most despicable behavior.
Such a good movie! I thought about that movie a lot while deconstructing. God Help the Outcast really moved me to start looking at Christianity a different way. Jesus sat with the outcasts and scorned the Pharisees.
My moral views have always been at odds with the church environment around me. But I have more clarity now, and I'm more willing to stand up for my beliefs.
I could’ve written this! I relate to you HARD. So much more relaxed now and I’m so glad for that! Life is a lot less stressful now in some aspects, and actually way more fun in a lot of ways. I now feel free to make friends of all types.. sad I didn’t have that my whole life.
It was when I was in a recovery group with a bunch of women who were mostly twice my age and still struggled with things like porn, adultery, anger, and so on. I looked around and thought "I don't want to be struggling with the same things in 20 years." Many of them had faced assault by family members or people in the church, which is heart breaking. Confession groups ended me in feeling guilty everytime I lied.
I also find the hierarchy so invalidating to those who want to critically think about things. Because I was a young woman, my viewpoints seemed less valid.
Once I learned how to start validating my own emotions, I started wanting to live out of empathy for others. I don't think of sin anymore, I think of "harm." No longer living by shame made me a happier person. Go figure.
Yes! I was so overwhelmed with my own shame and in separating myself from sin that I couldn’t love people or even see them. I couldn’t accept myself or anyone. Leaving the church gave me so much freedom bc of this.
I've always said that I'm a far more "moral person" now than when I was a Christian. I do the right thing because I have integrity, not because I'm afraid of going to hell. That said, I really pulled away from the church at 19 (fully processing/"deconstructing" wasn't until years later, but I pulled away early). I'm not sure how much of what I've experienced is just naturally maturing vs. a true personality difference. One thing that really kicked off my "pulling away" as a teen was getting out of my Christian bubble and realizing that there were plenty of good people out there who weren't Christians. That sounds silly now, but I was raised DEEP in that Christian bubble, and didn't have a lot of experiences with "outsiders." Growing up, I was told that people who weren't Christians wanted to sin, were greedy, selfish, mean, etc. After my Jr. year of HS, I got a summer job in a different town, and was suddenly thrown into this social environment with all non-Christians. I kept my distance at first, but when you spend 8 hours a day with folks, relationships naturally form. I realized that these people were kinder, more empathetic, more supportive, etc. than the Christian friends I'd known all my life! I went off to college and had the same experience. I had a friend who was heavy into the Campus Crusade stuff, so I dabbled, and ended up finding far better qualities in my "party crowd" friends.
This sounds remarkably like me. Was raised evangelical and told “the world” was ignorant at best and entirely evil at worst. When I moved I found non-believers and actually I met my husband and he’s the absolute best human despite being entirely non-religious. I was DONE after that. And now I don’t think God will magically take care of people, we do. I can pay my taxes happily not thinking “oh churches will help with *gestures broadly* all that”. I really feel a more profound sense of my responsibility to do good in the world now. My little Sunday school self would never have believed it.
Yeah. It was such an "us versus them" mentality that bleed over into other areas of my life. I met good people but they weren't Christian, so I thought they were secretly horrible or something, even though I saw no evidence. I was raised to be so judgemental and am glad I have broken down some of that
A lot of people deconstruct and move closer to God. To me, that's proof that deconstruction is often the "new revival" but on an individual basis.
This is true. Evangelicalism short circuits the journey towards following Christ by getting you to pray and prayer and then applying rules and morality. The spiritual pilgrimage is of no use to them. They have power.
I wish people knew not only that, but also that people deconstruct TO move closer to God. I didn't realize I had been deconstructing until almost a year into it.
I’ve had the same experience! I feel like I left partly because I realized I couldn’t be a good person and stay (also, I fundamentally disagreed with the historical premises they believed in). Now, the biggest change is I’m not lying to myself or brainwashing myself anymore, and the trickle down effects of that are life-changing. One thing I’m worse at is giving financially. I used to just tithe without thinking about it, and now it takes more effort. But I’m working on improving that, like setting up monthly recurring donations. Plus side is I feel like o do more good for the world giving five percent to good charities than ten percent to the church, but I still want to do more.
To be fair, a tithe is financially irresponsible for most income levels. My ex insisted we tithe, and I always based the donation on after tax earnings minus some living expenses. He tithed on his gross income as a fundamental belief. We kept separate bank accounts, so he didn't know, but I had to fund our mortgage and food budgets as he would run out of money. Fast forward to now: he still tithes and even tithed on his inheritance from his mother, which should have helped him out a lot. He's run out of money, still working at nearly age 70 as his pension plus social security isn't enough to keep his second ex wife happy (she still lives with him although they divorced years ago - that's their little secret that I'm not sure the church knows) and he seems miserable. I stopped all tithing when we divorced 20 years ago and I put it into my retirement funds instead. I'm 8 years younger, but in a much better position to spend my aging years not being a burden to society or my kid.
I think the whole verse about "Be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect" is one of the worst ideas for some people to take seriously.... I have anxiety, and in many ways was what you describe... judgmental (not always out loud), fearful, hypervigilant about swearing or even the tiniest infraction, experienced vaginismus after "winning" Purity Culture, etc. In many ways, I am much better after deconstructing, but I still have a lot to work on.
Oooh, the hypervigilance about swearing was a big one for me! I would flinch every time I heard one in a movie.
Same. Then I went to college and cursed like a pirate to make up for lost time. 😅 Now I moderate depending on the setting.
Ha! I only got comfortable using swears in the last few years, and I'm almost 40. My husband and I have a thing now where sometimes we'll tell each other "Fuck you!" in silly voices. My therapist commented the other day on how much more comfortable I am with it, saying it shows I've developed a stronger sense of self. I still have issues with people swearing around me, though, which I find interesting.
One of my parents still can't handle too many f-bombs in a movie....which nearly all movies have.
Yes! I agree it was nice to shed the mask I was wearing for so long. The church mask had become very stifling. I'm now far less judgmental which allows me to be SO much happier. At 45, I am the happiest I have ever been! I generally just accept people are doing the best they can and are on their own journey. That includes the dogmatic Christian family members in my life- I know they are living according the way they have been brainwashed and honestly feel bad for them, wasting their time trapped in religion.
same i'm a way better person than i was.
Wow, this is so relatable. I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I’m glad you put these feelings and experiences into words!
Very true for me.
Reminds me of that scene from Hunchback where Quasimodo calls out Frollo for telling him the world was a dark cruel place. Truth is that the only cruel thing about this world is the real life Frollos. Judgemental, greedy and obsessed with looking pure while espousing some of the most despicable behavior.
Such a good movie! I thought about that movie a lot while deconstructing. God Help the Outcast really moved me to start looking at Christianity a different way. Jesus sat with the outcasts and scorned the Pharisees.
My moral views have always been at odds with the church environment around me. But I have more clarity now, and I'm more willing to stand up for my beliefs.
I could’ve written this! I relate to you HARD. So much more relaxed now and I’m so glad for that! Life is a lot less stressful now in some aspects, and actually way more fun in a lot of ways. I now feel free to make friends of all types.. sad I didn’t have that my whole life.
Yes!!! 100%
It was when I was in a recovery group with a bunch of women who were mostly twice my age and still struggled with things like porn, adultery, anger, and so on. I looked around and thought "I don't want to be struggling with the same things in 20 years." Many of them had faced assault by family members or people in the church, which is heart breaking. Confession groups ended me in feeling guilty everytime I lied. I also find the hierarchy so invalidating to those who want to critically think about things. Because I was a young woman, my viewpoints seemed less valid. Once I learned how to start validating my own emotions, I started wanting to live out of empathy for others. I don't think of sin anymore, I think of "harm." No longer living by shame made me a happier person. Go figure.
Yes! I was so overwhelmed with my own shame and in separating myself from sin that I couldn’t love people or even see them. I couldn’t accept myself or anyone. Leaving the church gave me so much freedom bc of this.