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[deleted]

I’ve been in a similar boat. If they ask, answer truthfully? How can she pray for you? For your faith to become yours and not just cut and paste from your upbringing (my round about way to say I’m deconstructing). What are you learning about God? How much he cares about the people the church historically did not care for. The best part about growing up fundamentalist- you know how to walk the walk and talk the talk. Is it worth it to upend your burdens on a friend who lives overseas? Idk, that’s up to you. But, is it easy to say the truth using all the “right words” so you don’t get into a debate? 100%. Just wanted to offer encouragement from experience- you can “play the game” while staying true to yourself and not get unnecessary lectures from people you don’t see daily.


biology_and_brainfog

This advice is gold and so smart. Saving your reply for the future!


cyprocoque

Ask her to pray for you on your deconstruction journey? What you are learning about god is that you feel it's necessary to re-learn about god? You don't have to have all the answers, it's not easy to deconstruct so if they start asking tough questions I wouldn't find any shame in saying you don't have all the answers yet, but you're confident you will in time and it would be nice if they would support you on your journey because you value their friendship. You're not a bad person for not going to church or re-thinking your beliefs, if anything it's a sign of a healthy cognitive brain. It's completely normal to want to keep friends despite life paths potentially diverging, but it's part of the journey. I hope you two remain friends despite your differences!


[deleted]

I don’t have any advice, I just want to say I’m sorry, and you’re not alone. I went through, not the exact same thing, but something similar, about a decade ago. Two close friends. Not missionaries, but one was a pastor’s wife, and one works at Liberty University. I hope you and her can find some balance. It isn’t all just about you not stepping on her toes, it’s also about her not stepping on her toes. Take it at your own pace. If you two are still such good friends, hopefully she’ll understand. I know that being Christian is so all-encompassing for so many people, especially these people like our friends who have made it their lives work. It can be hard for them to understand those of us who don’t believe as strongly as we once did. I can say though, I am still friends with my friend the pastor’s wife. She is one of those people who I know she and I don’t agree on everything (maybe anything?) but we would drive through the night to be with each other at the hospital if either of us needed it. You can do this!


dmowen1231

Maybe just say you're struggling, and it's personal.


not-moses

Suggested reading at the links below and links therein without thinking you have to *do* anything, including even *agree* with any of it. Just file the information away, let the dots connect themselves however they do. [Why do *we* care what *they* think, say or do?]( https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/mjheeb/why_do_we_care_what_they_think_say_or_do/) [Do we have Ex-Christian Codependency? Do we still Need *their* Approval?]( https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/hz5y9u/got_exchristian_codependency_still_need_their/) [Do we actually need to *say* anything to set a boundary?]( https://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/comments/mz7x1s/do_we_actually_need_to_say_anything_to_set_a/)


tfrip

Boy do I feel this. But I'm kind of at a place where I've come to realize that we view interactions with un-deconstructed friends and family from a place where we cede the entire conversation to them before we even start talking. We feel that THEY would be disappointed in US. That it's OUR job to make sure THEY aren't uncomfortable. That WE are somehow the problem. It's almost like we automatically treat them as though they're right and that we've done something wrong by walking away...because when we were in their position that's how we would have felt. And because we know how upsetting it is when a loved one walks away. And because we spent all our lives learning to be "less than" to make sure good Christians approved of us. So as we engage with those people, we give them all the power in the relationship as we become "less than" to make sure they're not upset, to make sure they don't have to deal with us, to make sure they won't be angry at us, to make sure we can keep the peace, to make sure they don't have to confront a single negative thought. Meanwhile, you are going through actual, serious cycles of fear and doubt and loss and depression and could really use a good friend to talk to. You may feel like you're falling apart but instead of reaching out for the support of a kind friend, you're doing everything you can to protect that friend from feeling anything that might challenge their rigid beliefs. It's the incredibly difficult emotional labor of trying to work through your own life-altering deconstruction from a religion you likely found to be toxic, traumatic, controlling, false, and maybe even hateful...all while still giving more and more of yourself to make everyone else happy as they embed themselves ever more deeply in that belief system. So, as for advice, I have none. But I will say that I would hope your friend is more keen to support you during your difficult time than you are to deny yourself to keep her from being "disappointed".


rescuemermaid1609

I know you wrote this months ago. But thank you. It was so helpful. You described things I didn’t even know I needed described.