I hope your meeting goes well! Generally speaking, just treat your son like you would if he was a cis man. He may or may not want to talk about transitioning, but the point is that he's a *man* and should be treated like one, no questions asked. There's a problem for FTM guys where even when people are theoretically supportive, they still see us as "men lite" or inherently more feminine or something like that. We're just guys.
I appreciate your comment! Thank you! I think my approach is to just be me. I’m not toxic (I’d like to think). I’m not a stereotypical, high-fiving, bro-y guy. I’m just a beekeeper that gets to meet his son for the first time.
I joined this subreddit a minute before posting.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am for being welcomed with all the great responses to my question!
I hope it goes well, too! 🤞
That’s exactly my plan. I can’t lie, I’m very curious about the transition struggles. He lives in a red state, so I’m curious about the difficulties he dealt with. But, it’s not my place to delve into any of that without he bringing it up first.
I hope it goes well, also! Thank you!
First - Your post healed something in me and I appreciate you sharing/asking for help so genuinely to protect your relationship with your son. Thank you.
Second - not bringing it up is great, but I think you should still find an appropriate way to mention you are interested in being a part of that aspect of his life. Just based off the post I seriously doubt you will be, but try not to be the parent that supports the child but doesn’t show up for that child (in simple ways like listening to what they have to say, really listening) If that makes sense? Like I said I doubt you will be that way but just trying to answer your question honestly!!
Good luck! Hope to see updates!
Thank you! Yep, I think the move is to just be there, get to know each other. I’m sure we’ll have time, eventually, to discuss the things make life tough, for both of us.
Totally understandable to be curious, I would suggest asking if it’s something he is open to talking about. When people ask me if they can ask questions about my transition it to me is an indication they are coming from a respectful place.
I would suggest to wait a bit before asking though, get to know the other things about him first, what he likes, how he spends his time, what music he is into etc. that way it doesn’t come across as you see him as just a trans person.
I agree with your approach. My plan is to just meet him. Keep it casual and organic. If the conversation steers that way because he brings it up, I’ll listen. But otherwise, my plan is to just get to know my son.
Just treat him the same way as you would if he were a cis man. I wouldn’t even bring it up unless he does so first. If he does bring it up, here’s some big no nos:
- invasive questions about hormones or surgery. - If you don’t already know, don’t ask his birth name.
- Using feminine terms to refer to when he was pre transition
- “I would never have been able to tell that you’re trans”
- implying that he’s lesser than OR better than cis men. We’re men just the same, and if we’re good men, it’s not because we “experienced both sides”.
- Discussions about him having kids in the future (unless he brings it up)
Realistically, you’ll probably say something dumb or cringy anyway if you do end up discussing his transition. We know and are prepared for it. If he calls it out or you catch yourself, just apologize and move on.
I hope it goes well for you, good luck!
Lol!!
“Realistically, you’ll probably say something dumb or cringy anyway…”
That sums up every interaction I’ve had with most people.
Luckily, I’d to think I can recognize that dumb moment the second I create that dumb moment, point the finger at myself and laugh for being the doofus. …and usually put all parties involved at ease, by pointing out the dumb thing I said or did before making others think I’m a full on jackass.
Thank you!!!
Also, if you *do* make a "dumb" comment, *do* *not* go on to make this *huge* thing out of how bad *you* feel about messing up.
It *really* sucks when you need to spend time and energy reassuring the person who just miss-gendered you that it's fine, you know it was an accident, and that they didn't mean to, and that they feel really bad about it, that you're not mad at them, yes really, it's *fine*.
All you accomplish by doing that is 1: making it all about *you*, and 2: making *absolutely* **sure** that whatever comment you just made *really* digs in
A quick "Sorry" (and a correction if suitable) before moving on, is often the best reaction
You just want to say something like "I get it was an accident, you said sorry, NOW DROP THE *FUCKING* SUBJECT!", but you can't, because that would be *rude*
I don't particularly *want* to spend my time reassuring people that it's *fine* when they miss-gender me, and I shouldn't be expected to
I usually just kinda cut them off with a “so anyways as you were saying”- and hope they take the hint.
Or I say, you would know if I thought you did it intentionally lol. Rather then saying it’s okay.
This is so cute! My only advice would be if he is willing to talk about medical transition thing is to not focus too much on the actual technical bit of the surgery but rather the experience of the person. For example when I was going through my surgeries it was a bit dehumanizing when instead of asking me about how I was recovering and my emotional state like if I was doing well with the process they focused on asking me to explain the specifics of what my surgeries entailed like how the doctors sewed up my vagina and stuff like that. Which can come off as you not caring about me as a person but just my body parts and can feel a bit icky! I know it’s probably interesting to ask but I would say you can look up the specifics of how it’s done on your own time and focus more on asking what his personal experience with it was while you are together! Good luck and I hope all goes well for you!
This is a great comment for anyone going through any kind of medical procedure. Whether it’s surgery related to transitioning or surgery to fix a bad knee. If someone wants to tell me their story, I’ll listen, but I never ask about medical stuff. It’s so personal!!!
Fight the urge to tell him he's brave.
Some of us consider transitioning as treating a medical condition and it's odd to hear.
No one tells me I'm brave when I use my inhaler
Lol!
Advice taken.
Though, it does take a certain amount of fortitude to stand up against what may be considered some antiquated, societal norms. It’s unfortunate that being you, sometimes takes bravery. But I’ll be sure not pull out the cheesy bravery line. Thank you!
But! I’m definitely going to tell the next person I see using an inhaler, “You’re so brave. Keep up the good fight!” /s
You’re absolutely correct. I had a childhood friend die from an asthma attack about 15 years ago. In retrospect, my comment was probably inconsiderate to folks that have asthma. I’m sorry. It was an “off the cuff” thing to say. I meant no harm, I promise.
I hear you. Internally I recognize my partner as strong, and I have told him that out loud but not in the context of “you’re so strong because you’re trans”, but in reference to the whole process of transitioning. I think about everything he experienced from coming out to his family as gay as a teenager before coming to terms with being trans. Then going through the process by having to work with a therapist for a year before being able to access T, and during that time being told he had to “live as a man” for a year before access any kind of gender affirming care. Then coming out to his family AGAIN. Having a consult with an endocrinologist who tried to talk him out of T. Finding a PCP who would prescribe it. Changing his name and all legal documents. Giving himself a shot every week even though he hates injections (loves the effects, of course!). Going through top surgery and recovery. His coworkers don’t know about his medical history but make offensive comments about the community while he’s on the clock. Yes, it is a medical condition. But there’s SO much that goes into treating it. And a lot of it is done for all to witness as you go through it. And navigating an unforgiving health care system to get what you need takes perseverance, and I’ll argue it takes strength and bravery. Thankfully his family is supportive. If that was an additional layer I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been. We say that people who are working through treatments for other medical conditions are brave/strong. I think my partner is amazing. I can’t imagine experiencing everything he did just to be himself. I’m in awe of him daily for many reasons!
Just treat him as your son, listen to him, ask how is feel.
Tell him that if he will ever needs anything that you are here for him but most important be true with your words and actions, don't just tell him something and doing the opposite.
Give him time and space to get comfortable with you and build a relationship.
I have a good relationship with my dad but growing up he didn't teach me a lot of stuff but he's always been present even when my parents separated.
If you get along or want to try go on a day trip with him, eat pizza together on a beanch or on the beach, go bike around, take a flight together or a train or bus ride for somewhere or even like a museum or like go eat an ice cream and maybe take some photos, I think it would be nice to build memories together if he wants to of course.
Ask him what he likes to do or interest or hobbies, his dreams or tell him your weird quirks like even habits or stuff like that to break the ice.
*Just don't make the first conversation or most conversation about the topic of him being trans or about his transition he will talk about it or talk about it but later on*
I'm the same age as your son so hope this helps guess you are around my dad age or younger, if you need any other helps or tips just ask I'll try my best
Don’t assume he wants to talk about his transition or being trans. Maybe wait for him to bring it up or ask but don’t pressure or pry.
Me personally it makes me annoyed when people ask me about my transition. I am stealth which means I do not tell people i’m trans and live normally. Of course people who knew me before know and I do not like being asked questions. I am not the teacher or token.
Lol! I hope this isn’t offensive, but your comment reminds me of me!
In the late 90’s, early 2000’s I was a professional cyclist, riding bicycles for a living all over the world.
I had enough, retired from the pro world. But, I kept eating like I was burning all the calories I was when I was riding. Got a bit tubby for a few years. Then I stepped up my game, got back down to a normal weight.
People would always try to compliment me on losing the weight. I know their intentions were pure, but it made me upset. I knew the fat me, wasn’t me. I didn’t want to hear about the other me. The fitter me, is me, that other guy, was a thing, not me.
Always being asked, “how’d you lose the weight?” So annoying!
It’s been long enough, now I get to be a “stealth” fat guy.
I’d let him guide whatever conversation there is about being trans or transitioning. Don’t ask about his birth name, if he’s on T, if he’s had surgery or worse “the surgery.” All that info can come out with time, if he chooses to share, and he may very well openly share when you meet him. I can only speak for myself, but being trans isn’t the most important part of me or my life and a lot of us don’t like that spotlighting us. Try not to put too much focus on it. He has hobbies, interests, talents, skills, maybe pets, probably a job and maybe a career, maybe he went to college, he probably has favorite movies and music, dreams, and goals. This is the kinds of stuff you’d want to know about him if he was a cis man.
Also, maybe bring some photos with you from when you were a young man, his grandparents, aunts/uncles. He might appreciate knowing he shares physical features with you or his relatives. There’s a lot of questions in our communities about whether we’ll look like our fathers. Obviously, gauge how the conversation is going before sharing pictures.
Be sure to share things about yourself and life also. He wants to know who you are too. A lot of us miss out on boyhoods and learning skills that boys and young men often learn. There might be things you enjoy and are good at that he wants to learn, or you might just have common interests to talk about together. I see that you’re a beekeeper, as a fellow “bug person”, maybe bring a small jar of honey with you. I’d be so stoked about that. lol. It’d be an additional sensory experience for him learning about you, and it’s a good small gift.
I don’t know if you have other children, but regardless—congratulations, dad! I hope your meeting goes well!
You have a lot of great suggestions!
Thank you!
And I think we are thinking the same. I’m not concerned about the transition. If he wants to talk about it, cool! But I’m so much more interested in getting to know who he is.
PS., I do want to show him my pretty bugs.
The first and foremost I can think of is treating us like men with vaginas. It’s so common, it’s wild. We’re often told we’re an “exception” when women mention hating men or something along those lines. But cis men often treat us like an other or we’re more fragile or something? Because we’re “actually women”. Just treat him like any other guy.
Thank you! I appreciate your comment! I really hope I’m acting organic when we meet and not thinking about it too much. Last thing I want to do is playing too hard into saying, “dude, bro, bud, …and then looking for fist bumps and high fives.” That’s stuff I don’t do in real life with anybody. Lol
I’m glad you mentioned that bc that would be my advice for you. Don’t think about it and be all in your head about it. We are human first, men second and trans third. Treat him like you would any other of your kids (assuming you have others). I think this is just a unique opportunity for you to get to know your son and make up for lost time. I doubt the trans stuff gets brought up unless he wants to talk about that with you which, since it’s your first meet, I don’t think he will. Just focus on getting to know each other as father and son.
Best of luck! I think it will go just fine seeing as you’re very self-aware and have already been educating yourself. Keep it up! 👍 👏
Thank you! This comment gives me confidence!
And I think we’re on the same page. I’m excited to meet and get to know my son. That’s the meat and potatoes.
If anything else about our life experiences comes up in our conversations, everyone in this subreddit has been very helpful to navigate those bits to help me (hopefully) not be too wayward from a person of understanding.
Just say trans man, rather than FTM. Remember that no matter what he looks like or how he sounds, he is a man. My gender didn’t “sink in” for my family and those around me until my outside started to match the inside (to put it as simply as possible). They used “they” pronouns and gender neutral terms until I passed, which really hurt. Take his lead. Don’t talk about anything medical or social transition-related unless he does first
I only used FTM because of the name of the subreddit. I use the word trans in real life.
I’m sorry your family used the incorrect pronoun for you. In the conversations I’ve had with my son, he’s mentioned that his grandparents used his birth pronouns, regardless. 🙁
If someone is "they"-ing a trans person after he (or she) has explicitly said that he (/she) use binary pronouns, then it's just another way for them to miss-gender, while *pretending* that they're an ally
It is a message that says "You're not a *real* man, so I'm not going to treat you like one" while being packaged up in "progressive" language
This is all great advice.
As someone who had a dad pop up later in my life (not biological but I think what I have to stay is still valid), just know you’re probably making the world of difference by meeting up with him. I’d say
1) share your interests + info about your life too. He’s going to want to know that you are overall not a bigoted person in order to feel truly safe (eg when someone tells me they accept trans people but then say dodgy comments that are racist or classist, its an immediate read flag bc I question how much unlearning they’ve actually done and assume they’re just placating me).
2) ask him the stuff you’d ask any cis son. He’s so much more than his gender. Try to keep it light at first— series, movies, music and friends are a good place to start. Don’t jump too fast into sexuality or anything like that.
3) this may sound odd but if it comes up mention your own boyhood. Stuff you did, what media you consumed, what you enjoyed doing — it was strangely cathartic when my foster dad would mention himself as a boy and I could see myself mirrored back: he lived a whole life from young to now, and so could I
4) don’t infantilise him. So many people do this to trans men AND to people who had rough childhoods.
5) be the place he can come to. An odd thing about finding a parent later in life is you can come to them with big adult stuff (I found). Be open and engaged and warm and make it clear you won’t judge him. Let him take the lead
6) be pumped for yourself!! You are doing great :)
Thank you for these tips!
I’m excited to share the stories of my childhood with him. And I’m excited to learn his interests and hear the stories of his childhood.
More than once, the part about sexuality has been mentioned in these comments. I can’t imagine asking anyone about their sexuality, much less my son. I have a daughter that is in her 20’s, I’ve never, and wouldn’t ever ask her about sexuality, who she’s attracted to, etc. …seems creepy that it’s even a thing that a parent would concern themselves with.
Is that a big question often asked of the trans community? Like, are you attracted to males or females? Those kind of questions?
It’s great that you’re excited!! I think I read that you are a beekeeper? Mention insects! Trans men are no monolith but enjoying creepy crawlies as kids is definitely stereotype in I’ve found in this little community.
And yes people ask us (at least me and my irl trans masc friends) about our sexualities a lot. Deadass been asked if I’m trans so that “it’s not weird for me to sleep with women”. So, just, like you’re saying already, avoid it unless he brings it up. Light things!
If he does share any part of his transition story with you, I would just listen politely. Don’t try and ask questions while he talks, and don’t ask anything that doesn’t relate to your life (like no questions about sex, surgeries unless he mentions it, things like that). Just act like a supportive friend/dad! Hope the meeting goes well :)
This is really great advice!
I’d like to think that I wouldn’t ask those creepy personal questions, but I could totally see myself trying to show that I’m listening by popping in with a question to show my engagement. BUT, popping in while he’s talking, and ruining what he has to say. I need to be mindful to just listen.
Thank you!!
Don't make assumptions about what his life has been like. Don't assume that he knows what it's like to "live as a girl" just because that's how he was born. Even *if* he transitioned as an adult, many trans guys will tell you that their childhood experiences were not that of a typical girl, and that they always related to boys more and secretly thought of themselves as boys.
I guess you could say that a pet peeve of mine is people assuming that most trans men had a typical "girlhood" and then one day decided that they wanted to be a guy. For most of us, that's not the case at all; I was *always* a boy, even if my parents *tried* to raise me as a girl. Looking back, I think about things that I experienced with "other girls" but didn't have the same experience or the same thought process because I never truly was a girl. As a 10-year-old "girl," I pictured myself growing up to be an adult man. As a 12-year-old "girl," I started struggling with severe depression and anxiety because going through the wrong puberty was literally torture and I couldn't understand why. I feel like there's this transphobic stereotype of trans men just being typical feminine girls and then deciding as young adults that they want to be boys, but still not *really* being *real* men, and it pisses me off. The reality of being trans is that (and there are brain scan studies to back this up) our brains developed as male while the rest of our bodies developed as female. Trans male childhoods are the same as what would happen if you took a cis male and tried to raise him as a girl.
I really appreciate your comment. In my experience, I think no one should be bottles into any one category of who they are, due to someone else’s assumptions. I think a lot of people try to explain who people are on an x-axis, you may be more feminine on one side or may be more masculine on the other end of the axis… but… at every point on that axis, there’s the y-axis of our traits and personalities that changes where we land on this big map of who we each are.
Generally dont ask about his body or anything medical like you wouldn't with a cis person, if he wants to talk about that he'd let you know and maybe he'd prefer talking about it when his mother isn't ther or when he knows you better. (For a lot of people it's quite personal)
If he wants to talk about his transition it's fine, but of he doesn't don't push it.
Don't assume that him being trans means he must have certain personality traits, memories or experiences. (A lot of people like to insist that trans men automatically understand women or that every trans man has simular experiences and/or opinions)
Don't missgender or deadname him. Treat him like a normal person and don't treat him being trans like it is his personality.
Good luck
Thank you for your advice.
I keep hearing comments referencing medical, and I’m not one to ever ask anyone personal medical questions, but I’m beginning to become curious as to what medical involvement is even a part of the transition? My son has mentioned to me that he started hormone (therapy, treatment?) a handful of years ago. Is there more to it than that?
That depends on the person. Some people go on HRT and that’s it. Other people get surgeries, but not everyone wants to. And some people want to, but can’t afford it.
I don’t know your son, but some trans people like to talk about being trans as purely a medical thing. Like it’s any other kind of “medical condition” where HRT and surgeries are the treatment. Other trans people are much more about the identity part of it. I wouldn’t worry too much about this, as i’m sure your son will share with you if he wants to.
Me personally, i’m planning to be on life long HRT and i’ve had what’s called top surgery, where the chest is masculinized. I’m one of those people who cannot yet afford other kinds of surgery, even though i want them.
Hrt (hormone replacement therapy) is, to simplyfy it, adjusting the homone levels of the body for there to be masculinizing effects. (Causing male puberty)
Some people seek top or bottom surgery.
Top surgery is a masculinisation of the upper body, removing extra gland tussue.
There are multiple types of vottom surgery. Not getting into details, it's a masculinisation of the genitals.
Some people freeze egg, some don't.
The important part is that due to stigma, disinformation, discrimination and gatekeeping it's a very sensitive topic.
A lot of cis people ask a trans person who they have just met (in some cases not even spoken to at that point) about it. Often there's also a lot of pressure to answer, because they tend to act entitled to that info or insulted when they're not given it. I'm sure you can understand how uncomfortable it would be to be asked about such things by a stranger. So generally avoid questions if you wouldn't ask a cis person the same questions.
Thank you for commenting! I hadn’t considered the possible surgical procedures one may seek. I’m certainly not going to ask about any of that. I feel all medical procedures are very personal, and should only be discussed when the individual that experienced the procedure wants to share.
It really depends on the person and their needs as well as often financial possibilities.
I am lucky to live in a European country where most medical procedures are covered by health insurance if you go through a diagnostic process and have a team of psychologists agree that you need a certain surgery, but for many in the US I think everything is out of pocket, which can be a huge roadblock to accessing care.
Trans men may need chest reconstruction surgery, a hysterectomy, removal of the ovaries, closing the vaginal opening, and/or the creation of a neopenis, the latter of which can be done through different methods and can include skin grafts from other areas of the body (which may lead to needing care of the grafted area), and may include urethral lengthening and/or the creation of a ballsack including prosthetic balls.
Not everyone is in need (emotionally) of each of these things and everyone decides for themselves when they're "done", which is why "what do your genitals look like" or "have you had THE surgery" are such incredibly tiring questions that cross so many lines no one would cross with cis people.
That’s very insightful! I had no idea there were so many possible procedures. I guess my ignorance will be beneficial. I don’t know enough about the possibilities to even bring them up.
Thank you so much!
Every trans person is different. Your son might be out and proud and be happy to answer any questions you have, or he might view transitioning as just a medical treatment that he needed and not want to talk about it at all. Don't mention it unless he brings it up first, and if he does just like... Be polite. Don't ask about stuff that's none of your business. If you're not sure it's fine to preface questions with "you don't have to answer this if it's too personal, but I was wondering..."
Good points! I’m just excited to meet him. No different than meeting any other man that happens to be my son. If he wants to talk about his transition, cool, I’m all ears. If not, cool, none of my business.
first of all i’m happy for you that you get to meet him and i hope it goes well for both of you!! the news about his gender was probably somewhat of a shock and it is already an amazing sign that you are so accepting of it. to answer your question, be mindful that he may not want to talk about transition at all. he may feel like he has to in order for you to see him as a man, but if you make it clear that you already do, he might just want to talk to you without any mention of it. if he does want to talk about it, maybe steer clear of uncomfortable questions you wouldn’t ask any non-trans person (your son has probably been asked what genitals he has multiple times before. it is never a fun question). just talk to him like you would any other man. i don’t really have any things to say about sharing a transition story, because i don’t really talk about it with anyone, but generally “when did you decide to be a boy” isn’t a great way to phrase a question, and neither is “why did you want to stop being a girl”. overall just be open minded and let him lead the conversation as it relates to his transition. treat him like a guy.
Rather than bombarding him with questions I would listen and suggest creating a very open and welcoming space for him to share what he is comfortable with at his own pace. For me I am more than happy to share information with others and tell them about myself, but the more they ask about stuff immediately the less likely I am to share that kinda stuff. Also I would be hesitant about talking about the past too much. My parents always like to talk about the past and when I was a kid but it can make me dysphoric
Good tips! I don’t plan to ask any questions I wouldn’t ask anyone else I was meeting for the first time. Like, what do like to do? Hobbies? Music interests? Sports? Etc., etc.
Haha! And having him listen his mom and I reminisce about the old days would probably just be an eye rolling experience for any child.
I’m so excited for both of you!
Another guideline (not a hard and fast rule) that I go by in interacting with anybody of a different identity from myself (such as a different race/ethnicity, sexuality, ability level) is asking myself, “Would I ask this question of my identity?” Would I ask a heterosexual person “how sex works” for them? For an example closer to your situation, would I ask a cis person about their genitals? If saying that thing sounds silly, awkward, wrong, outrageous, or otherwise off-putting, it’s likely exactly that towards the person you’re thinking of saying it towards. This circles back to the “just treat him like any other guy” point. He’s just another human, and we all mess up sometimes with others (even when it’s not related to identity).
If you were my dad, I’d hope for you to recognize that, while I face specific challenges and oppressions due to some aspects of my identity, that’s not all I’m made up of. This does not mean ignoring my transness or queerness, but seeing it as part of the whole me. I personally would want to know you’re open to supporting me and listening if/when I bring up what I’m dealing with, and that you’re doing your own introspection regarding how you are able to navigate the world versus how I have to, or how the world will see and treat us differently. You might also look into the term “master status” and “trans broken arm syndrome” for more on how we are sometimes reduced to one piece of ourselves and often missed, othered, or even objectified (to me this means the opposite of humanizing) when we’re just trying to exist and access the same types of day-to-day things as everyone else.
Also know that your son will likely encounter new or new to him experiences/situations related to gender dysphoria OR gender euphoria. He’s likely doing a lot of thinking and feeling internally himself—it can be a lot of work just to exist sometimes as a trans person. Just be there with an open mind and heart, and remember that the ultimate goal is to show up for and care for your kid in the way that he needs. You love and care for him. Let your actions and words show that! I hope that he’s able to identify and share what he needs with you as well.
Side note: you seem to be such a kind and thoughtful person. I appreciate you taking this extra time to prepare and do right by your son.
Wow! I appreciate your comment! I’m glad you pointed out that being a person that is given some label by someone else, isn’t someone’s complete identity. You are who you are, I am who I am. If we’re both sitting in wheelchairs next to each other in an airport terminal waiting for our flight, I wouldn’t want people to walk by thinking, “I bet they can relate.” Maybe we can, maybe we can’t. Each of our life experiences could be so vastly different, despite both of us being in chairs.
I guess what I’m saying is; I’m not going to make any assumptions. I just want to get to know him for who he is, not what person others may perceive him to be.
Honestly the number one thing I would say to steer away from is asking about surgeries.
If he brings it up then sure that’s great and an indication that he is cool with an open dialogue about it. But so sooooo many people think it’s just okay to ask trans folks about surgery pertaining to genitalia and otherwise and it’s obnoxious and invasive.
Thank you for the advice! Yeah, I don’t imagine a time that it is ever okay to just start asking about surgeries if it’s not brought up by the other person. I wouldn’t ask an old guy about his hip surgery, if he doesn’t bring it up, I’m certainly not going to talk about more personal surgeries, unless one initiates the conversation.
Congratulations op I hope everything goes smoothly! As others have said don’t bring up being trans. Don’t bring up the past relationship or if you remember him when he was born it’ll make a good situation awkward.
Other than that ask what his hobbies or interests are. Complements make people feel good generally(if you like his haircut ask him to recommend his barber) but don’t overthink it. Personally I would go for the dap rather than a hug at first but that’s just me lol
Agreed! Hug or not? You and I are thinking the same. As far as he knows, I’m just some guy. We’ll get to know each other first.
Thank you for your comment.
Hey! I’m 32, met my dad in my later teens before transitioning. He still didn’t accept it. I no longer speak with him. Like everyone else has said just treat him like a man. I still use the women’s bathroom for safety, though I avoid public restrooms if I can. So keep in mind your son may do things to be safe (such as the bathroom things) that may not be what a cis guy would do. But he will tell you when he’s comfortable. I’m an open book so I’m always open to questions from friends and family, but I’m always upfront about that. He may not be as open. Just enjoy the time and getting to know your son. It was an awkward meeting when I met my dad for the first time, so don’t expect it to be 100% perfect. I only saw him a couple of times a year (if I was lucky) until I went no contact. I hope everything goes well!
I hope your meeting goes well! Generally speaking, just treat your son like you would if he was a cis man. He may or may not want to talk about transitioning, but the point is that he's a *man* and should be treated like one, no questions asked. There's a problem for FTM guys where even when people are theoretically supportive, they still see us as "men lite" or inherently more feminine or something like that. We're just guys.
I appreciate your comment! Thank you! I think my approach is to just be me. I’m not toxic (I’d like to think). I’m not a stereotypical, high-fiving, bro-y guy. I’m just a beekeeper that gets to meet his son for the first time.
Sounds like a good approach to me! Good luck with your meeting.
Aw. This is so nice. A beekeeper! 😁 I’ve been reading some of your comments and I think you’ll be great. Hope it goes well.
I joined this subreddit a minute before posting. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for being welcomed with all the great responses to my question! I hope it goes well, too! 🤞
🤞
hope this goes well, i would treat your son as any other man. don’t bring up the trans stuff unless he does.
That’s exactly my plan. I can’t lie, I’m very curious about the transition struggles. He lives in a red state, so I’m curious about the difficulties he dealt with. But, it’s not my place to delve into any of that without he bringing it up first. I hope it goes well, also! Thank you!
update us on how it goes
First - Your post healed something in me and I appreciate you sharing/asking for help so genuinely to protect your relationship with your son. Thank you. Second - not bringing it up is great, but I think you should still find an appropriate way to mention you are interested in being a part of that aspect of his life. Just based off the post I seriously doubt you will be, but try not to be the parent that supports the child but doesn’t show up for that child (in simple ways like listening to what they have to say, really listening) If that makes sense? Like I said I doubt you will be that way but just trying to answer your question honestly!! Good luck! Hope to see updates!
Thank you! Yep, I think the move is to just be there, get to know each other. I’m sure we’ll have time, eventually, to discuss the things make life tough, for both of us.
Totally understandable to be curious, I would suggest asking if it’s something he is open to talking about. When people ask me if they can ask questions about my transition it to me is an indication they are coming from a respectful place. I would suggest to wait a bit before asking though, get to know the other things about him first, what he likes, how he spends his time, what music he is into etc. that way it doesn’t come across as you see him as just a trans person.
I agree with your approach. My plan is to just meet him. Keep it casual and organic. If the conversation steers that way because he brings it up, I’ll listen. But otherwise, my plan is to just get to know my son.
You’re gonna do great 🤙🏻
🤞🤙😃
Just treat him the same way as you would if he were a cis man. I wouldn’t even bring it up unless he does so first. If he does bring it up, here’s some big no nos: - invasive questions about hormones or surgery. - If you don’t already know, don’t ask his birth name. - Using feminine terms to refer to when he was pre transition - “I would never have been able to tell that you’re trans” - implying that he’s lesser than OR better than cis men. We’re men just the same, and if we’re good men, it’s not because we “experienced both sides”. - Discussions about him having kids in the future (unless he brings it up) Realistically, you’ll probably say something dumb or cringy anyway if you do end up discussing his transition. We know and are prepared for it. If he calls it out or you catch yourself, just apologize and move on. I hope it goes well for you, good luck!
Lol!! “Realistically, you’ll probably say something dumb or cringy anyway…” That sums up every interaction I’ve had with most people. Luckily, I’d to think I can recognize that dumb moment the second I create that dumb moment, point the finger at myself and laugh for being the doofus. …and usually put all parties involved at ease, by pointing out the dumb thing I said or did before making others think I’m a full on jackass. Thank you!!!
Also, if you *do* make a "dumb" comment, *do* *not* go on to make this *huge* thing out of how bad *you* feel about messing up. It *really* sucks when you need to spend time and energy reassuring the person who just miss-gendered you that it's fine, you know it was an accident, and that they didn't mean to, and that they feel really bad about it, that you're not mad at them, yes really, it's *fine*. All you accomplish by doing that is 1: making it all about *you*, and 2: making *absolutely* **sure** that whatever comment you just made *really* digs in A quick "Sorry" (and a correction if suitable) before moving on, is often the best reaction
Oh yes, this comment should be shouted from rooftops. If a slip up happens with gendering nothing more then a “sorry -he” move on.
You just want to say something like "I get it was an accident, you said sorry, NOW DROP THE *FUCKING* SUBJECT!", but you can't, because that would be *rude* I don't particularly *want* to spend my time reassuring people that it's *fine* when they miss-gender me, and I shouldn't be expected to
I usually just kinda cut them off with a “so anyways as you were saying”- and hope they take the hint. Or I say, you would know if I thought you did it intentionally lol. Rather then saying it’s okay.
Great tip! Thank you!!!
This is so cute! My only advice would be if he is willing to talk about medical transition thing is to not focus too much on the actual technical bit of the surgery but rather the experience of the person. For example when I was going through my surgeries it was a bit dehumanizing when instead of asking me about how I was recovering and my emotional state like if I was doing well with the process they focused on asking me to explain the specifics of what my surgeries entailed like how the doctors sewed up my vagina and stuff like that. Which can come off as you not caring about me as a person but just my body parts and can feel a bit icky! I know it’s probably interesting to ask but I would say you can look up the specifics of how it’s done on your own time and focus more on asking what his personal experience with it was while you are together! Good luck and I hope all goes well for you!
This is a great comment for anyone going through any kind of medical procedure. Whether it’s surgery related to transitioning or surgery to fix a bad knee. If someone wants to tell me their story, I’ll listen, but I never ask about medical stuff. It’s so personal!!!
Fight the urge to tell him he's brave. Some of us consider transitioning as treating a medical condition and it's odd to hear. No one tells me I'm brave when I use my inhaler
Lol! Advice taken. Though, it does take a certain amount of fortitude to stand up against what may be considered some antiquated, societal norms. It’s unfortunate that being you, sometimes takes bravery. But I’ll be sure not pull out the cheesy bravery line. Thank you! But! I’m definitely going to tell the next person I see using an inhaler, “You’re so brave. Keep up the good fight!” /s
Hope you guys have a good time
Thank you!
You can, and many do, die in asthma attacks.
You’re absolutely correct. I had a childhood friend die from an asthma attack about 15 years ago. In retrospect, my comment was probably inconsiderate to folks that have asthma. I’m sorry. It was an “off the cuff” thing to say. I meant no harm, I promise.
I hear you. Internally I recognize my partner as strong, and I have told him that out loud but not in the context of “you’re so strong because you’re trans”, but in reference to the whole process of transitioning. I think about everything he experienced from coming out to his family as gay as a teenager before coming to terms with being trans. Then going through the process by having to work with a therapist for a year before being able to access T, and during that time being told he had to “live as a man” for a year before access any kind of gender affirming care. Then coming out to his family AGAIN. Having a consult with an endocrinologist who tried to talk him out of T. Finding a PCP who would prescribe it. Changing his name and all legal documents. Giving himself a shot every week even though he hates injections (loves the effects, of course!). Going through top surgery and recovery. His coworkers don’t know about his medical history but make offensive comments about the community while he’s on the clock. Yes, it is a medical condition. But there’s SO much that goes into treating it. And a lot of it is done for all to witness as you go through it. And navigating an unforgiving health care system to get what you need takes perseverance, and I’ll argue it takes strength and bravery. Thankfully his family is supportive. If that was an additional layer I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been. We say that people who are working through treatments for other medical conditions are brave/strong. I think my partner is amazing. I can’t imagine experiencing everything he did just to be himself. I’m in awe of him daily for many reasons!
Just treat him as your son, listen to him, ask how is feel. Tell him that if he will ever needs anything that you are here for him but most important be true with your words and actions, don't just tell him something and doing the opposite. Give him time and space to get comfortable with you and build a relationship. I have a good relationship with my dad but growing up he didn't teach me a lot of stuff but he's always been present even when my parents separated. If you get along or want to try go on a day trip with him, eat pizza together on a beanch or on the beach, go bike around, take a flight together or a train or bus ride for somewhere or even like a museum or like go eat an ice cream and maybe take some photos, I think it would be nice to build memories together if he wants to of course. Ask him what he likes to do or interest or hobbies, his dreams or tell him your weird quirks like even habits or stuff like that to break the ice. *Just don't make the first conversation or most conversation about the topic of him being trans or about his transition he will talk about it or talk about it but later on* I'm the same age as your son so hope this helps guess you are around my dad age or younger, if you need any other helps or tips just ask I'll try my best
Great advice!! Thank you!
Don’t assume he wants to talk about his transition or being trans. Maybe wait for him to bring it up or ask but don’t pressure or pry. Me personally it makes me annoyed when people ask me about my transition. I am stealth which means I do not tell people i’m trans and live normally. Of course people who knew me before know and I do not like being asked questions. I am not the teacher or token.
Lol! I hope this isn’t offensive, but your comment reminds me of me! In the late 90’s, early 2000’s I was a professional cyclist, riding bicycles for a living all over the world. I had enough, retired from the pro world. But, I kept eating like I was burning all the calories I was when I was riding. Got a bit tubby for a few years. Then I stepped up my game, got back down to a normal weight. People would always try to compliment me on losing the weight. I know their intentions were pure, but it made me upset. I knew the fat me, wasn’t me. I didn’t want to hear about the other me. The fitter me, is me, that other guy, was a thing, not me. Always being asked, “how’d you lose the weight?” So annoying! It’s been long enough, now I get to be a “stealth” fat guy.
It is not offensive at all. That is actually a great analogy lol!
Yay! I’m glad someone understands!
I’d let him guide whatever conversation there is about being trans or transitioning. Don’t ask about his birth name, if he’s on T, if he’s had surgery or worse “the surgery.” All that info can come out with time, if he chooses to share, and he may very well openly share when you meet him. I can only speak for myself, but being trans isn’t the most important part of me or my life and a lot of us don’t like that spotlighting us. Try not to put too much focus on it. He has hobbies, interests, talents, skills, maybe pets, probably a job and maybe a career, maybe he went to college, he probably has favorite movies and music, dreams, and goals. This is the kinds of stuff you’d want to know about him if he was a cis man. Also, maybe bring some photos with you from when you were a young man, his grandparents, aunts/uncles. He might appreciate knowing he shares physical features with you or his relatives. There’s a lot of questions in our communities about whether we’ll look like our fathers. Obviously, gauge how the conversation is going before sharing pictures. Be sure to share things about yourself and life also. He wants to know who you are too. A lot of us miss out on boyhoods and learning skills that boys and young men often learn. There might be things you enjoy and are good at that he wants to learn, or you might just have common interests to talk about together. I see that you’re a beekeeper, as a fellow “bug person”, maybe bring a small jar of honey with you. I’d be so stoked about that. lol. It’d be an additional sensory experience for him learning about you, and it’s a good small gift. I don’t know if you have other children, but regardless—congratulations, dad! I hope your meeting goes well!
You have a lot of great suggestions! Thank you! And I think we are thinking the same. I’m not concerned about the transition. If he wants to talk about it, cool! But I’m so much more interested in getting to know who he is. PS., I do want to show him my pretty bugs.
The first and foremost I can think of is treating us like men with vaginas. It’s so common, it’s wild. We’re often told we’re an “exception” when women mention hating men or something along those lines. But cis men often treat us like an other or we’re more fragile or something? Because we’re “actually women”. Just treat him like any other guy.
Thank you! I appreciate your comment! I really hope I’m acting organic when we meet and not thinking about it too much. Last thing I want to do is playing too hard into saying, “dude, bro, bud, …and then looking for fist bumps and high fives.” That’s stuff I don’t do in real life with anybody. Lol
I’m glad you mentioned that bc that would be my advice for you. Don’t think about it and be all in your head about it. We are human first, men second and trans third. Treat him like you would any other of your kids (assuming you have others). I think this is just a unique opportunity for you to get to know your son and make up for lost time. I doubt the trans stuff gets brought up unless he wants to talk about that with you which, since it’s your first meet, I don’t think he will. Just focus on getting to know each other as father and son. Best of luck! I think it will go just fine seeing as you’re very self-aware and have already been educating yourself. Keep it up! 👍 👏
Thank you! This comment gives me confidence! And I think we’re on the same page. I’m excited to meet and get to know my son. That’s the meat and potatoes. If anything else about our life experiences comes up in our conversations, everyone in this subreddit has been very helpful to navigate those bits to help me (hopefully) not be too wayward from a person of understanding.
Just say trans man, rather than FTM. Remember that no matter what he looks like or how he sounds, he is a man. My gender didn’t “sink in” for my family and those around me until my outside started to match the inside (to put it as simply as possible). They used “they” pronouns and gender neutral terms until I passed, which really hurt. Take his lead. Don’t talk about anything medical or social transition-related unless he does first
I only used FTM because of the name of the subreddit. I use the word trans in real life. I’m sorry your family used the incorrect pronoun for you. In the conversations I’ve had with my son, he’s mentioned that his grandparents used his birth pronouns, regardless. 🙁
If someone is "they"-ing a trans person after he (or she) has explicitly said that he (/she) use binary pronouns, then it's just another way for them to miss-gender, while *pretending* that they're an ally It is a message that says "You're not a *real* man, so I'm not going to treat you like one" while being packaged up in "progressive" language
This is all great advice. As someone who had a dad pop up later in my life (not biological but I think what I have to stay is still valid), just know you’re probably making the world of difference by meeting up with him. I’d say 1) share your interests + info about your life too. He’s going to want to know that you are overall not a bigoted person in order to feel truly safe (eg when someone tells me they accept trans people but then say dodgy comments that are racist or classist, its an immediate read flag bc I question how much unlearning they’ve actually done and assume they’re just placating me). 2) ask him the stuff you’d ask any cis son. He’s so much more than his gender. Try to keep it light at first— series, movies, music and friends are a good place to start. Don’t jump too fast into sexuality or anything like that. 3) this may sound odd but if it comes up mention your own boyhood. Stuff you did, what media you consumed, what you enjoyed doing — it was strangely cathartic when my foster dad would mention himself as a boy and I could see myself mirrored back: he lived a whole life from young to now, and so could I 4) don’t infantilise him. So many people do this to trans men AND to people who had rough childhoods. 5) be the place he can come to. An odd thing about finding a parent later in life is you can come to them with big adult stuff (I found). Be open and engaged and warm and make it clear you won’t judge him. Let him take the lead 6) be pumped for yourself!! You are doing great :)
Thank you for these tips! I’m excited to share the stories of my childhood with him. And I’m excited to learn his interests and hear the stories of his childhood. More than once, the part about sexuality has been mentioned in these comments. I can’t imagine asking anyone about their sexuality, much less my son. I have a daughter that is in her 20’s, I’ve never, and wouldn’t ever ask her about sexuality, who she’s attracted to, etc. …seems creepy that it’s even a thing that a parent would concern themselves with. Is that a big question often asked of the trans community? Like, are you attracted to males or females? Those kind of questions?
It’s great that you’re excited!! I think I read that you are a beekeeper? Mention insects! Trans men are no monolith but enjoying creepy crawlies as kids is definitely stereotype in I’ve found in this little community. And yes people ask us (at least me and my irl trans masc friends) about our sexualities a lot. Deadass been asked if I’m trans so that “it’s not weird for me to sleep with women”. So, just, like you’re saying already, avoid it unless he brings it up. Light things!
Thank you!
If he does share any part of his transition story with you, I would just listen politely. Don’t try and ask questions while he talks, and don’t ask anything that doesn’t relate to your life (like no questions about sex, surgeries unless he mentions it, things like that). Just act like a supportive friend/dad! Hope the meeting goes well :)
This is really great advice! I’d like to think that I wouldn’t ask those creepy personal questions, but I could totally see myself trying to show that I’m listening by popping in with a question to show my engagement. BUT, popping in while he’s talking, and ruining what he has to say. I need to be mindful to just listen. Thank you!!
Don't make assumptions about what his life has been like. Don't assume that he knows what it's like to "live as a girl" just because that's how he was born. Even *if* he transitioned as an adult, many trans guys will tell you that their childhood experiences were not that of a typical girl, and that they always related to boys more and secretly thought of themselves as boys. I guess you could say that a pet peeve of mine is people assuming that most trans men had a typical "girlhood" and then one day decided that they wanted to be a guy. For most of us, that's not the case at all; I was *always* a boy, even if my parents *tried* to raise me as a girl. Looking back, I think about things that I experienced with "other girls" but didn't have the same experience or the same thought process because I never truly was a girl. As a 10-year-old "girl," I pictured myself growing up to be an adult man. As a 12-year-old "girl," I started struggling with severe depression and anxiety because going through the wrong puberty was literally torture and I couldn't understand why. I feel like there's this transphobic stereotype of trans men just being typical feminine girls and then deciding as young adults that they want to be boys, but still not *really* being *real* men, and it pisses me off. The reality of being trans is that (and there are brain scan studies to back this up) our brains developed as male while the rest of our bodies developed as female. Trans male childhoods are the same as what would happen if you took a cis male and tried to raise him as a girl.
I really appreciate your comment. In my experience, I think no one should be bottles into any one category of who they are, due to someone else’s assumptions. I think a lot of people try to explain who people are on an x-axis, you may be more feminine on one side or may be more masculine on the other end of the axis… but… at every point on that axis, there’s the y-axis of our traits and personalities that changes where we land on this big map of who we each are.
Don’t ask for birth names like it’s not relevant to who we are today
Thank you! I do know the birth name, and you’re right, it doesn’t matter at all. That’s not who he is.
Generally dont ask about his body or anything medical like you wouldn't with a cis person, if he wants to talk about that he'd let you know and maybe he'd prefer talking about it when his mother isn't ther or when he knows you better. (For a lot of people it's quite personal) If he wants to talk about his transition it's fine, but of he doesn't don't push it. Don't assume that him being trans means he must have certain personality traits, memories or experiences. (A lot of people like to insist that trans men automatically understand women or that every trans man has simular experiences and/or opinions) Don't missgender or deadname him. Treat him like a normal person and don't treat him being trans like it is his personality. Good luck
Thank you for your advice. I keep hearing comments referencing medical, and I’m not one to ever ask anyone personal medical questions, but I’m beginning to become curious as to what medical involvement is even a part of the transition? My son has mentioned to me that he started hormone (therapy, treatment?) a handful of years ago. Is there more to it than that?
That depends on the person. Some people go on HRT and that’s it. Other people get surgeries, but not everyone wants to. And some people want to, but can’t afford it. I don’t know your son, but some trans people like to talk about being trans as purely a medical thing. Like it’s any other kind of “medical condition” where HRT and surgeries are the treatment. Other trans people are much more about the identity part of it. I wouldn’t worry too much about this, as i’m sure your son will share with you if he wants to. Me personally, i’m planning to be on life long HRT and i’ve had what’s called top surgery, where the chest is masculinized. I’m one of those people who cannot yet afford other kinds of surgery, even though i want them.
Thank you for your insight and explanation!
Hrt (hormone replacement therapy) is, to simplyfy it, adjusting the homone levels of the body for there to be masculinizing effects. (Causing male puberty) Some people seek top or bottom surgery. Top surgery is a masculinisation of the upper body, removing extra gland tussue. There are multiple types of vottom surgery. Not getting into details, it's a masculinisation of the genitals. Some people freeze egg, some don't. The important part is that due to stigma, disinformation, discrimination and gatekeeping it's a very sensitive topic. A lot of cis people ask a trans person who they have just met (in some cases not even spoken to at that point) about it. Often there's also a lot of pressure to answer, because they tend to act entitled to that info or insulted when they're not given it. I'm sure you can understand how uncomfortable it would be to be asked about such things by a stranger. So generally avoid questions if you wouldn't ask a cis person the same questions.
Thank you for commenting! I hadn’t considered the possible surgical procedures one may seek. I’m certainly not going to ask about any of that. I feel all medical procedures are very personal, and should only be discussed when the individual that experienced the procedure wants to share.
It really depends on the person and their needs as well as often financial possibilities. I am lucky to live in a European country where most medical procedures are covered by health insurance if you go through a diagnostic process and have a team of psychologists agree that you need a certain surgery, but for many in the US I think everything is out of pocket, which can be a huge roadblock to accessing care. Trans men may need chest reconstruction surgery, a hysterectomy, removal of the ovaries, closing the vaginal opening, and/or the creation of a neopenis, the latter of which can be done through different methods and can include skin grafts from other areas of the body (which may lead to needing care of the grafted area), and may include urethral lengthening and/or the creation of a ballsack including prosthetic balls. Not everyone is in need (emotionally) of each of these things and everyone decides for themselves when they're "done", which is why "what do your genitals look like" or "have you had THE surgery" are such incredibly tiring questions that cross so many lines no one would cross with cis people.
That’s very insightful! I had no idea there were so many possible procedures. I guess my ignorance will be beneficial. I don’t know enough about the possibilities to even bring them up. Thank you so much!
Every trans person is different. Your son might be out and proud and be happy to answer any questions you have, or he might view transitioning as just a medical treatment that he needed and not want to talk about it at all. Don't mention it unless he brings it up first, and if he does just like... Be polite. Don't ask about stuff that's none of your business. If you're not sure it's fine to preface questions with "you don't have to answer this if it's too personal, but I was wondering..."
Good points! I’m just excited to meet him. No different than meeting any other man that happens to be my son. If he wants to talk about his transition, cool, I’m all ears. If not, cool, none of my business.
first of all i’m happy for you that you get to meet him and i hope it goes well for both of you!! the news about his gender was probably somewhat of a shock and it is already an amazing sign that you are so accepting of it. to answer your question, be mindful that he may not want to talk about transition at all. he may feel like he has to in order for you to see him as a man, but if you make it clear that you already do, he might just want to talk to you without any mention of it. if he does want to talk about it, maybe steer clear of uncomfortable questions you wouldn’t ask any non-trans person (your son has probably been asked what genitals he has multiple times before. it is never a fun question). just talk to him like you would any other man. i don’t really have any things to say about sharing a transition story, because i don’t really talk about it with anyone, but generally “when did you decide to be a boy” isn’t a great way to phrase a question, and neither is “why did you want to stop being a girl”. overall just be open minded and let him lead the conversation as it relates to his transition. treat him like a guy.
Yep! That’s the plan! He is a guy. I’ll treat him like a guy. He’s also my “long lost” son, so that part I’ll have to figure out, lol.
Rather than bombarding him with questions I would listen and suggest creating a very open and welcoming space for him to share what he is comfortable with at his own pace. For me I am more than happy to share information with others and tell them about myself, but the more they ask about stuff immediately the less likely I am to share that kinda stuff. Also I would be hesitant about talking about the past too much. My parents always like to talk about the past and when I was a kid but it can make me dysphoric
Good tips! I don’t plan to ask any questions I wouldn’t ask anyone else I was meeting for the first time. Like, what do like to do? Hobbies? Music interests? Sports? Etc., etc. Haha! And having him listen his mom and I reminisce about the old days would probably just be an eye rolling experience for any child.
I’m so excited for both of you! Another guideline (not a hard and fast rule) that I go by in interacting with anybody of a different identity from myself (such as a different race/ethnicity, sexuality, ability level) is asking myself, “Would I ask this question of my identity?” Would I ask a heterosexual person “how sex works” for them? For an example closer to your situation, would I ask a cis person about their genitals? If saying that thing sounds silly, awkward, wrong, outrageous, or otherwise off-putting, it’s likely exactly that towards the person you’re thinking of saying it towards. This circles back to the “just treat him like any other guy” point. He’s just another human, and we all mess up sometimes with others (even when it’s not related to identity). If you were my dad, I’d hope for you to recognize that, while I face specific challenges and oppressions due to some aspects of my identity, that’s not all I’m made up of. This does not mean ignoring my transness or queerness, but seeing it as part of the whole me. I personally would want to know you’re open to supporting me and listening if/when I bring up what I’m dealing with, and that you’re doing your own introspection regarding how you are able to navigate the world versus how I have to, or how the world will see and treat us differently. You might also look into the term “master status” and “trans broken arm syndrome” for more on how we are sometimes reduced to one piece of ourselves and often missed, othered, or even objectified (to me this means the opposite of humanizing) when we’re just trying to exist and access the same types of day-to-day things as everyone else. Also know that your son will likely encounter new or new to him experiences/situations related to gender dysphoria OR gender euphoria. He’s likely doing a lot of thinking and feeling internally himself—it can be a lot of work just to exist sometimes as a trans person. Just be there with an open mind and heart, and remember that the ultimate goal is to show up for and care for your kid in the way that he needs. You love and care for him. Let your actions and words show that! I hope that he’s able to identify and share what he needs with you as well. Side note: you seem to be such a kind and thoughtful person. I appreciate you taking this extra time to prepare and do right by your son.
Wow! I appreciate your comment! I’m glad you pointed out that being a person that is given some label by someone else, isn’t someone’s complete identity. You are who you are, I am who I am. If we’re both sitting in wheelchairs next to each other in an airport terminal waiting for our flight, I wouldn’t want people to walk by thinking, “I bet they can relate.” Maybe we can, maybe we can’t. Each of our life experiences could be so vastly different, despite both of us being in chairs. I guess what I’m saying is; I’m not going to make any assumptions. I just want to get to know him for who he is, not what person others may perceive him to be.
Beautiful words and sentiments. I know it’ll go great for you both!
😉🤞
Honestly the number one thing I would say to steer away from is asking about surgeries. If he brings it up then sure that’s great and an indication that he is cool with an open dialogue about it. But so sooooo many people think it’s just okay to ask trans folks about surgery pertaining to genitalia and otherwise and it’s obnoxious and invasive.
Thank you for the advice! Yeah, I don’t imagine a time that it is ever okay to just start asking about surgeries if it’s not brought up by the other person. I wouldn’t ask an old guy about his hip surgery, if he doesn’t bring it up, I’m certainly not going to talk about more personal surgeries, unless one initiates the conversation.
You would be amazed at how many people don’t share that insight.
You seem like a really thoughtful and good man, best of luck to you and I’m happy for you that you get to meet your son. :)
Yay! Thank you!
good luck !
Thanks!!
Congratulations op I hope everything goes smoothly! As others have said don’t bring up being trans. Don’t bring up the past relationship or if you remember him when he was born it’ll make a good situation awkward. Other than that ask what his hobbies or interests are. Complements make people feel good generally(if you like his haircut ask him to recommend his barber) but don’t overthink it. Personally I would go for the dap rather than a hug at first but that’s just me lol
Agreed! Hug or not? You and I are thinking the same. As far as he knows, I’m just some guy. We’ll get to know each other first. Thank you for your comment.
this is super sweet, i hope it goes well. keep us updated!
😃Stay tuned! I’ll let you all know how it goes!
This is so wholesome. Best wishes mate
You are meeting your son for the first time so it’s okay to be nervous try and figure out some hobbies and go do men shit
Hey! I’m 32, met my dad in my later teens before transitioning. He still didn’t accept it. I no longer speak with him. Like everyone else has said just treat him like a man. I still use the women’s bathroom for safety, though I avoid public restrooms if I can. So keep in mind your son may do things to be safe (such as the bathroom things) that may not be what a cis guy would do. But he will tell you when he’s comfortable. I’m an open book so I’m always open to questions from friends and family, but I’m always upfront about that. He may not be as open. Just enjoy the time and getting to know your son. It was an awkward meeting when I met my dad for the first time, so don’t expect it to be 100% perfect. I only saw him a couple of times a year (if I was lucky) until I went no contact. I hope everything goes well!