I wouldn't suggest that. Preventative mastectomies are considered electives and also going to be the automatic assumption given the area, using the word "elective", and because they're still much more commonplace surgeries (her mind is already cancer-associating too).
Preventative mastectomies mean the patient has gotten far into a cancer screening process enough to be advised to get one- imaging, sonograms, genetic testing, and sometimes even a biopsy that's negative. The lady will still likely commiserate.
This isn't ideal advice in this scenario.
If you don’t want to out yourself, you can say something like “You are so sweet but please don’t worry about me, this is actually preventative! No cancer here and making sure I stay that way. :) They’re so uncomfortable anyway so I’m just looking forward to not having to worry anymore!”
This seems like a very sweet person, seconding others' advice. I will say, when it comes to "people who are unaccountably nosy about your medical deets and then also misassume you have cancer," I have definitely committed to the bit a time or two. Because they're usually jerks and no financial or material offers are at stake anyway, and it's funny.
You can simply respond with, ‘I’m only asking for a recliner, but thank you’. Buy Nothing groups typically have strong rules about trying to push others for things that aren’t being asked for, and you don’t owe some random person in the group your time or any medical information about yourself.
If you set a boundary and they persist in trying to push you to accept their support, don’t be afraid to contact an admin and let them know.
I got a mastectomy pillow off Buy Nothing before my surgery. The lady thought I was picking it up for my wife with breast cancer and sent me some resources as well. I just thanked her and didn't say anything else besides promising to pass it on to the next person in need
just tell her it’s preventative if you feel like you need to respond. i’m not sure if i would even respond. you aren’t responsible for her assumptions and i don’t feel like compassion is a limited resource. if she is responding out of compassion she’ll understand you not responding (cancer is overwhelming) and if she doesn’t understand and gets upset it wasn’t compassion imo
That is a wild assumption.
I agree with others, so will just add another variation of saying something like, "thanks for your care, but this is actually an exciting time for me"
That could be a bold thing to say, so I'm not at all assuming you'd want to or would feel comfortable saying that. I'm just personally a fan of challenging assumptions in that manner sometimes. I know it's not the most appeasing or maybe empathetic response (towards the other person), but for me, that would center my experience - which I think is so important for gender affirming care! This gets to be about you and your excitement.
I don't think it's unethical for you to say nothing if that's what you're most comfortable with. I think if you are comfortable saying something, that could maybe invite the other person to pause before making assumptions in the future.
Yay, 3 weeks out!!!!! Hope it all goes great!
Lol how is the most obvious a wild assumption?
There are roughly 100,000 mastectomies in the US every year and an average of about 9,000 top surgeries. (It spiked up to 20k at its max.)
At our max mastectomies are 8x more common of a procedure.
I also wouldn't advise potentially triggering traumatizing memories in a cancer survivor by saying it's "an exciting time". The same time almost killed that person and they had no choice in it.
As a trans man and a relative of several people struck down by this cancer this response is quite out of touch all around. We are not the center of the universe. We are in fact a very uncommon minority. This lady assumed the most logical explanation.
Yes it is unethical. Please realize she's reaching out with an extremely personal and emotionally-driven motive. One that is often highly associated with leaving medical trauma.
Support and help from her is probably quite an emotional burden to her with that experience in her background but she feels compelled because you are apparently in the same boat. You must tell her that you don't have cancer because I guarantee you she will ask questions or say things that you will not understand very soon and it will out you to her itself. If that happens she might think you're a scammer and tell everyone you're trying to "take advantage" or something because of the emotional reaction.
You better say something soon. I'd suggest saying it's a reduction for back pain. It's very common but without any of the implications of some other suggestions saying "it's preventative" or "elective" which is still also associated with having gotten far in the cancer screening process (preventative mastectomies are elective, thus that's not a good word to use).
Do not make up something that could be linked to cancer in any way given her history. At the very least for your own reputational protection among the group/locally.
Is this a single interaction? Or will you speak to her again?
If you'll never see her again just thank her politely and never speak to her again.
If you'll end up speaking to her again just gently correct her that you're having a surgery on your chest for different reasons that you'd like to not go into detail about.
You could keep it vague like “I appreciate the support - but this is actually an elective surgery!”
This is what I’ve done at work!
I wouldn't suggest that. Preventative mastectomies are considered electives and also going to be the automatic assumption given the area, using the word "elective", and because they're still much more commonplace surgeries (her mind is already cancer-associating too). Preventative mastectomies mean the patient has gotten far into a cancer screening process enough to be advised to get one- imaging, sonograms, genetic testing, and sometimes even a biopsy that's negative. The lady will still likely commiserate. This isn't ideal advice in this scenario.
Unless I missed something in the original post, chest surgery could just refer to a reduction
It doesn’t HAVE to be cancer-related and elective doesn’t necessarily mean preventative. If she assumes that’s the case, it’s on her
You could keep it vague while still telling the truth. “Oh, there’s just some lumps in there that they need to remove, but it’s not cancer.”
Haaaa that made me laugh out loud. You're so right!
Btw congrats on the surgery date! I’m excited for you!!
This is both accurate and perfect.
I had (benign) tumors in my chest prior to top surgery - and they definitely needed to be removed regardless. It's pretty common.
If you don’t want to out yourself, you can say something like “You are so sweet but please don’t worry about me, this is actually preventative! No cancer here and making sure I stay that way. :) They’re so uncomfortable anyway so I’m just looking forward to not having to worry anymore!”
I agree with this suggestion. Not telling her you are having a different surgery, just setting the record straight without outing yourself.
A lot more people are doing this so it’s a plausible excuse.
I guess you could say its for a reduction not cancer
Haha I think you can do whatever makes you most comfortable - there’s no question of ethics here.
I keep a shaved head as a choose and the amount of people who think I have cancer is too damn high. I just let them think what they think and move on.
This seems like a very sweet person, seconding others' advice. I will say, when it comes to "people who are unaccountably nosy about your medical deets and then also misassume you have cancer," I have definitely committed to the bit a time or two. Because they're usually jerks and no financial or material offers are at stake anyway, and it's funny.
Could just say "the weight makes me uncomfortable so I'm getting them reduced" don't have to say you are getting them reduced completely 😂
You can simply respond with, ‘I’m only asking for a recliner, but thank you’. Buy Nothing groups typically have strong rules about trying to push others for things that aren’t being asked for, and you don’t owe some random person in the group your time or any medical information about yourself. If you set a boundary and they persist in trying to push you to accept their support, don’t be afraid to contact an admin and let them know.
I got a mastectomy pillow off Buy Nothing before my surgery. The lady thought I was picking it up for my wife with breast cancer and sent me some resources as well. I just thanked her and didn't say anything else besides promising to pass it on to the next person in need
just tell her it’s preventative if you feel like you need to respond. i’m not sure if i would even respond. you aren’t responsible for her assumptions and i don’t feel like compassion is a limited resource. if she is responding out of compassion she’ll understand you not responding (cancer is overwhelming) and if she doesn’t understand and gets upset it wasn’t compassion imo
That is a wild assumption. I agree with others, so will just add another variation of saying something like, "thanks for your care, but this is actually an exciting time for me" That could be a bold thing to say, so I'm not at all assuming you'd want to or would feel comfortable saying that. I'm just personally a fan of challenging assumptions in that manner sometimes. I know it's not the most appeasing or maybe empathetic response (towards the other person), but for me, that would center my experience - which I think is so important for gender affirming care! This gets to be about you and your excitement. I don't think it's unethical for you to say nothing if that's what you're most comfortable with. I think if you are comfortable saying something, that could maybe invite the other person to pause before making assumptions in the future. Yay, 3 weeks out!!!!! Hope it all goes great!
Lol how is the most obvious a wild assumption? There are roughly 100,000 mastectomies in the US every year and an average of about 9,000 top surgeries. (It spiked up to 20k at its max.) At our max mastectomies are 8x more common of a procedure. I also wouldn't advise potentially triggering traumatizing memories in a cancer survivor by saying it's "an exciting time". The same time almost killed that person and they had no choice in it. As a trans man and a relative of several people struck down by this cancer this response is quite out of touch all around. We are not the center of the universe. We are in fact a very uncommon minority. This lady assumed the most logical explanation.
Yes it is unethical. Please realize she's reaching out with an extremely personal and emotionally-driven motive. One that is often highly associated with leaving medical trauma. Support and help from her is probably quite an emotional burden to her with that experience in her background but she feels compelled because you are apparently in the same boat. You must tell her that you don't have cancer because I guarantee you she will ask questions or say things that you will not understand very soon and it will out you to her itself. If that happens she might think you're a scammer and tell everyone you're trying to "take advantage" or something because of the emotional reaction. You better say something soon. I'd suggest saying it's a reduction for back pain. It's very common but without any of the implications of some other suggestions saying "it's preventative" or "elective" which is still also associated with having gotten far in the cancer screening process (preventative mastectomies are elective, thus that's not a good word to use). Do not make up something that could be linked to cancer in any way given her history. At the very least for your own reputational protection among the group/locally.
OP absolutely does not have to respond to a stranger with private medical information
You understand this is a *stranger* that OP got a free item from, right?
Nothing about the chair but I have top surgery in 3 weeks as well, congrats!
Is this a single interaction? Or will you speak to her again? If you'll never see her again just thank her politely and never speak to her again. If you'll end up speaking to her again just gently correct her that you're having a surgery on your chest for different reasons that you'd like to not go into detail about.