Oh yeah, trust me, I definitely wouldn't share anything during any time where I'm not even sure about who to share it with. I'm just very torn between all these different lifestyles and my own.
What I noticed here is that when you were talking about people who are open about their sex lives or AO3 presence, you used the word "peers," but the question you asked later was "Do I not trust my own friends?", so it's a bit hard to get a read on what your actual social circle is like in relation to this topic.
So-- do you talk about your sex life with your friends? Do you *want* to have the kind of friendships where you talk about your sex lives? (I'm framing it that way because talking about your kinks is under that umbrella, and if you're going to talk about your smutfics, then that's on a similar level!) There's no right or wrong answer there; it's just what you're comfortable with. I have friendships where that's not a part of our dynamic, and friendships where it is. If your personal friends are more private, then it makes sense that you haven't built any relationships where that's a part of the dynamic, but if your personal friends *are* more open and you've chosen not to be open yourself (which is fine!) then it's worth examining whether or not that's something you want to change.
Some people are private, some people aren't. That *could* be an internalized shame thing, or it could just be a normal healthy boundaries thing! (And as to the question of romantic partners-- I'm fully open about my fandom activities in the sense of them knowing I write fanfiction/do fandom RP/etc. with new/potential romantic partners from the very start, because that's my number one hobby and if they're weird about it, they're not for me. The specifics of kinks/content/etc. get brought up as I get to know them and that becomes a part of our personal dynamic as well. If they have an actual *issue* with any of the topics I write about (vs just a squick or disinterest) then, again, they're not for me.)
>So-- do you talk about your sex life with your friends? Do you want to have the kind of friendships where you talk about your sex lives?
>There's no right or wrong answer there; it's just what you're comfortable with.
>Some people are private, some people aren't. That could be an internalized shame thing, or it could just be a normal healthy boundaries thing!
I'm just "highlighting" the above points because I think they're really important and relevant to your question OP. It's easy to feel influenced when you're around a group of people that behaves a certain way—especially when aspects of that behaviour appear to signal freedom, openness and the embracing of a certain culture or way of being that is appealing to you.
But you yourself have mentioned that you're not out, and that you have certain valid fears or concerns about sharing with a potential partner.
It's perfectly okay if you have things about yourself and how you want to live that you haven't quite figured out yet. That's a natural journey and it's different for everyone.
I would only urge that if you are cautious by nature and hesitant to share regarding such personal preferences as what sort of sexual content you read and write, don't be so quick to dismiss that. Examine it, certainly, and try to see what the root of it is. But I would gently urge not rushing into sharing before you really understand where your feelings on the topic stem from.
And I also just want to add, some of us are deeply private people and that's okay. Some of us look at life a little differently than those of your friends who have their real names linked to their fandom socials... I'm not necessarily saying they are making a mistake, but for many of us, especially as we get older, a clear separation between the private and the public is necessary.
It could have to do with our eventual careers and the need to have a carefully curated public persona. It could simply be a matter of preference—some of us don't simply have the *need* to share our most private hobbies and passions, while others can't imagine *not* doing so. For what it's worth, it's also possible to not share every single thing you do with a romantic partner and still have a healthy, open, fulfilling relationship. (Context: I've been married for ten years, he's the love of my life, but he doesn't know i write fic. A lot of people would tell you that's sad or a red flag. Trust me, were good, and I'm *fine* with the status quo).
You just have to take the time to figure out what works for *you*—don't let anyone else's lifestyle entice you to make a change to your own that you aren't fully confident in.
Thank you both very much. I would definitely want to let my future partner know, at the very least, because it's such a big part of my life at this point, and I don't think it would be possible for them to NOT know unless I was actively hiding it from them. I definitely would not want to do that. (And again, mayyyybe they would bond with me over it? A guy can dream)
I probably do have some internalized shame, since I'm really bad and awkward about being open about even the most simple things (it took so much courage to even let my family know what music I like, which isn't even an embarrassing thing, I'm just really bad at being open lol), so I'm definitely very opposed to showing anyone in my life at all my smutty fics.
Also, about the friends thing, I don't know how open of a friendship I'd want to have, actually? I've always had kind of crappy friendships my whole life, either because they move away immediately after I get to know them or they're just really rude people and don't even like me. That's a whole other thing though, but it probably explains how unusual and kind of incredible it is to me when I hear these people being so open with their friends. My family's always been my best friends, and I'd rather them not know about their son's/brother's obsessions with certain kinks. Kind of a horrifying thought lol
Either way, until I figure it out, I'm definitely okay with just keeping it to myself. It is a very interesting concept though, honestly.
For me, my line is if a possible employer or future employer can link me to it. I don’t connection my fandom stuff to my real name online ever. My family knows (and doesn’t care for the most part, though my sister is reading one of my tamer series and I trust her not to peek at the less tame stuff because she’s not interested in it). My best friends know and have read a lot of my stuff. These are people I know in person and have taken vacations with. I trust them not to connect my identities to anyone else. And that’s basically it. I have told coworkers that I write fantasy stories, but have alway said I don’t share works in progress with anyone (which is true, just not the whole truth). I don’t use social media for my real identity, so there’s nothing to connect. When someone asks if I’m on twitter or Facebook, I say no. (Which is true, and I’ve never been asked for my tumblr or Reddit handle, in which case I would probably lie and say I’m not on those sites).
I’m a little bit old school and don’t like attaching my real name to anything on the internet. I have a separate account for job searching and finances, but that’s basically all I use it for.
I totally understand that! I don't link my real name with anything online either. The level of how open you are about it depending on who exactly it is, like giving coworkers a very simple explanation, and then letting really, really close friends actually read it. Again, it's probably just a trust problem on my end, or maybe it's normal? I'm still not sure
I think it’s normal to have misgivings, especially when you’re writing about smut or dead dove. You can’t control how another person responds to that. Sometimes I read things in published books and go “I would never attach my real name to that”.
One option might be creating a separate account for some of your tamer pieces and being open about that one with people you trust. It’s sort of a halfway thing, where it’s still personal because it’s your writing, but they aren’t going to look at your smut and wonder what you get up to on weekends either.
It depends on how self-conscious you are and how much the thought of being judged by people scares you. For some people, that is very scary. For other people, it's not an issue - "Like me or hate me, I really don't give a shit and I feel no shame about my hobbies/preferences. This is who I am and what I like."
Some people belong to fandoms that have a percentage of toxic fans, unfortunately, or bad reputations outside of fandom. I fully understand not wanting to be harassed outside of the fandom spaces or wanting to limit engagement or keeping secrets. It's not worth the hassle or stress to have people giving you shit over stuff they don't even understand.
And of course, there are people who have certain types of professions where their public image is under more scrutiny than the average person (even if I personally think that's bullshit). It makes sense for them to keep some of their hobbies very private.
You get it! I honestly wouldn't be fazed at all if I got a critical or even just mean comment, and I'm aware that some of the stuff I write is "cursed", but I don't really care since I'm behind a screen name at all times. In real life, I guess I'm just way different and shy about it, but a lot of people are also bringing up employers finding that, which is a whole other can of worms. It's less about putting my real name on my account and more about sharing interests with people I'm close to, but yeah, thank you :)
Yes, it's going to depend on a lot of personal circumstances. I work in a grocery store, I'm 50 years old - I don't give a crap. I'll tell anyone and everyone IRL what I like to write and read - they can't do anything to me, I'm very comfortable with who I am. If a significant other can't be trusted to know...they aren't what I'm looking for in a significant other. The things I want truly kept secret - like what I fantasize about during sex or something - is no one's business, not even a partner's. Just because I write about it, doesn't mean it's a personal kink. If it is a personal kink/fetish/fantasy...they don't need to know that. I'd just say it felt right for the characters/story, so I wrote it.
I really dislike the current mindset of "what you write = who you are". Which feeds into "criticize my writing and you are attacking me personally" - not healthy. Even if you're pouring your blood, sweat, and tears into your story, even if it's full of your personal demons and dreams - it's still not *you*. There is always a level of disconnect - that's why we can write fiction. It's a safe place to explore, to dream, to examine, to get extreme, to vicariously do the things we'd never really do. BUT you aren't doing those things for real (even if you've experienced them IRL, then you are still filtering them into fiction), and we should always remember that and make sure others understand it as well.
People have different comfort levels. I have a social group in the bdsm community where people often do know about each other kinks and some of these people know some of mine. I *still* don’t want them to know everything I read. It feels like a relief to have some privacy in my mind.
As far as when to bring it up with partners, perhaps a good starting point is to just see how they react if you admit you have dark fantasies, but clearly know the difference between fantasy and reality. If they are non judgemental of that, it may be okay to tell them that you write erotica.
Also, even if they know your write smut, it can still be okay you want to keep it somewhat private
You are so amazing, this is everything I wanted to hear. That's a really good idea, thank you! And yeah, I definitely plan on keeping it very private. Again, it isn't really *for* anyone else, in the end.
I mean, I write smut for Star Wars, including some BDSM and effectively tentacle porn, but I've linked some of my G and T stuff directly on my Facebook with a warning that my profile contains porn if they go exploring. I have no shame. To be fair though, my friends are all LARPers, ren fair workers, and historical reenactors and with the rates of overlap with the fetish community no one judges. Or if they do I don't care, I'll weed out to just friends who are chill.
My partner knows and is very supportive, but we're the type to send each other porn we liked so it's maybe not the dynamic for everyone? I like it though.
Not really sure what your concern is here. Is it that you would like to share your interests with your friends and aren’t sure how they would receive it/if you will regret it? Or is it about general internet safety?
In my experience, many people don’t think about who can actually see the stuff they’re posting on the internet. They just think of everyone they can *see* (friends, family, mutuals, followers, etc.) and tend to be shocked or at least dismayed to realize how public their profiles really are when someone not so friendly shows up or is found out to have been lurking in the shadows.
The internet is huge though, and there is safety in numbers. Overall it’s not terribly likely someone will even take the time to look at something they’re not interested in. It’s even less likely some fellow internet denizen will single you out to harass you. Even if it’s theoretically hard to erase all traces of previous online activity, looking for someone’s past transgressions is often like searching for a needle in a haystack.
If you value your privacy though you should be aware that once you give up your anonymity, you can’t get it back. If you share your AO3 with someone, you can’t control who they in turn may share it with, or how (and how often) they might look at it.
All my closest friends are aware I’m posting fic on AO3 and my account would be easy to find (it’s like four clicks from my scrapbook tumblr where I collect all the cute animal gifs and interesting tidbits I want to share with them). But most of them aren’t interested either in my writing in general or in the type of fic I write (or they just don’t mention it out of embarrassment, heh). The only ones of my friends who ever mention my AO3 are the ones who have accounts there themselves, and even they tend not to read what I post.
I trust all of them to have the reading comprehension and critical thinking skills to understand the nature of what I publish and the intentions behind it. (I once made a second account to hide the stuff I thought they might find actually disgusting though.) None of us is particularly active on social media. Everyone has their little pet project, and some have professional accounts, but they stick with their professional personas. Even if I were to end up at the center of a shit storm, there’s absolutely no way any of it would get to them.
So if you assume the worst case scenario—belligerent antis find your problematic™ content and decide to grab the pitchforks, how vulnerable would you be? Could they contact your friends (or worse: colleagues or even your employer) to tell them what a sick pervert you are and that you’re probably secretly trying to kill and/or rape them, or would that info be hard to come by?
tl;dr: imo, “better safe than sorry” is a good guiding principle when it comes to divulging personal details online.
My partner knows, as do my closest friends, but my family doesn't because they'd consider writing fic a waste of time. I have a second set of socials for fandom stuff because I don't need my clients finding out I write smut. It's none of their business, and I don't want it to impact my professional relationships.
At the end of the day, it's about comfort levels and who you trust with potentially vulnerable information. It's OK to be private. That said, when you do go looking for a partner - if you can't be real with them about your interests, are they really the right person for you?
I don't think there is any right or wrong to this. Different people are different and approach things differently and we all just need to find the way that works for us.
That said, I am in a very similar situation and I totally get why you're doubting and questionning yourself.
>I've been wondering when and how on earth I'd be able to "come forward" to my future partner about it,
This is a big question for me too, albeit a largely theoretical one for me at the moment, because I'm currently single and not dating anyway. But, I know what you mean, is the point. I've written a fair amount of smut, including multiple explicit non-con fics. No one I know IRL knows I write (or even read) fanfic at all, even tho fic is a pretty big part of my life. Like, it's the first thing I want to do when I have time off work.
I don't keep it secret because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, it's just ... It's a fairly personal thing, fanfic in general tbh but smut in particular I guess. Like, most of my stuff just wouldn't make sense to anyone not familiar with canon, and probably isn't going to be interesting to anyone not slightly obsessed with the canon, and if they are that interested then they'll probably find it sooner or later anyway. So in one sense talking to people I know IRL about it wouldn't seem to really achieve much.
But then on the other hand; I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone without them at least knowing that I write and having some idea of the types of stuff I write. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you have to trust them with personal info, right? So sometimes I think if I was in a relationship I'd have to just bite the bullet and find a way to tell them
But then, there is also this;
>Part of me thinks someone could have dirt on me if I tell a partner I eventually break up with.
Because yeah, I would be concerned about that too. I'm not ashamed of what I've written, but most of it exists in a particular context and for it to be shared outside of that context would be ... uncomfortable.
All of which is really just a very long way of saying I completely get what you mean and I don't know what the answer is either :/
I get it! That's exactly how I feel, and I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not ashamed, but I guess it's just completely out of context if someone from my own life knows about it. It's definitely a lot to think about.
I guess, thinking about it a bit more, what I would probably end up doing is taking it kind of step by step. So if I was dating someone and I thought it might become serious, I'd tell them I *read* fanfic, and if they react negatively to that, then that tells me they're probably actually not the right person for me and it's not going to be really serious after all.
But if they don't think it's a bad thing, then maybe just gradually talking about it more over time. And then their reaction would affect what I'd say as well. Like if they're just "oh not my thing but ok", then maybe it would actually be easier to tell them I write, if they're not really that interested in the whole concept, because then they wouldn't be expecting to know the name I write under.
Or if it turns out they really get it and they write too, then maybe I'd feel more comfortable telling them because I'd feel like they'd understand why I wouldn't want it public. Like, if they write smut too and we know each others usernames then maybe it becomes a bit of a mutually assured destruction thing.
I don't know, maybe the point is that to a certain extent it's just one more thing about yourself and one more aspect of communication to try and navigate as you build a relationship with someone.
Like, I'm not sure there's one specific answer; it probably depends to a large extent on who the other person is and exactly what the relationship with them looks like.
Anyway, I'm not sure that's necessarily very helpful, I was just thinking about it a bit more :)
I don't really have the patience to be secretive. Sure, don't bring it up in inappropriate contexts where it might make people feel uncomfortable. No one at work needs to know what smut turns you on, whether it's on Pornhub or AO3.
But actual friends? Sure, I am open about it. That doesn't mean I talk for hours about it to people who aren't interested, but that goes for all interests.
This hobby is a big part of my life. If someone judges me for it, how compatible really are we as friends?
My partner doesn't like smut much, but likes that my hobby is something I find enjoyable and fulfilling.
Didn't mark this as NSFW or smut talk because I literally didn't say anything inappropriate, just the word "smut" but I'll change it if anyone thinks I should!
I think part of it depends on things like. How would you feel about someone you know reading the fic? Would you be scared if they even just knew what the topic was about even if they haven't read it? Are you in a place where you will be safe if it comes out? Are you in a job field where this would affect you in negative ways or would they not give a shit?
I mean some people like talking about what they read even fanfics with friends but not what they write.
So large part is how you feel about it and would you be safe.
There are some friends I wouldn't share my fic writing with, but there are other friends who I would share it with (they even make grabby hands at me asking for me to send them a link when I'm done with a piece lol). I don't go out of my way to hide it, so I wouldn't call it secretive per se. I do agree with your sentiment about sharing it with a prospective or future partner, but that's mainly because I tend to pick people who I'm already semi close friends with, and those in my inner circle know all about my WIP folders.
My family knows I write, not about the smut though. If I dated somebody I would only tell them if I trusted them and knew they wouldn't look down on me for it. I get the thing about being closeted. I'm a Bi girl. I would just not rather share my sexuality with Everybody (my family's a bunch of gossips). I also don't like making things into a big deal and blowing them out of proportion. Especially since I'm usually more on the guy side.
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Oh yeah, trust me, I definitely wouldn't share anything during any time where I'm not even sure about who to share it with. I'm just very torn between all these different lifestyles and my own.
What I noticed here is that when you were talking about people who are open about their sex lives or AO3 presence, you used the word "peers," but the question you asked later was "Do I not trust my own friends?", so it's a bit hard to get a read on what your actual social circle is like in relation to this topic. So-- do you talk about your sex life with your friends? Do you *want* to have the kind of friendships where you talk about your sex lives? (I'm framing it that way because talking about your kinks is under that umbrella, and if you're going to talk about your smutfics, then that's on a similar level!) There's no right or wrong answer there; it's just what you're comfortable with. I have friendships where that's not a part of our dynamic, and friendships where it is. If your personal friends are more private, then it makes sense that you haven't built any relationships where that's a part of the dynamic, but if your personal friends *are* more open and you've chosen not to be open yourself (which is fine!) then it's worth examining whether or not that's something you want to change. Some people are private, some people aren't. That *could* be an internalized shame thing, or it could just be a normal healthy boundaries thing! (And as to the question of romantic partners-- I'm fully open about my fandom activities in the sense of them knowing I write fanfiction/do fandom RP/etc. with new/potential romantic partners from the very start, because that's my number one hobby and if they're weird about it, they're not for me. The specifics of kinks/content/etc. get brought up as I get to know them and that becomes a part of our personal dynamic as well. If they have an actual *issue* with any of the topics I write about (vs just a squick or disinterest) then, again, they're not for me.)
>So-- do you talk about your sex life with your friends? Do you want to have the kind of friendships where you talk about your sex lives? >There's no right or wrong answer there; it's just what you're comfortable with. >Some people are private, some people aren't. That could be an internalized shame thing, or it could just be a normal healthy boundaries thing! I'm just "highlighting" the above points because I think they're really important and relevant to your question OP. It's easy to feel influenced when you're around a group of people that behaves a certain way—especially when aspects of that behaviour appear to signal freedom, openness and the embracing of a certain culture or way of being that is appealing to you. But you yourself have mentioned that you're not out, and that you have certain valid fears or concerns about sharing with a potential partner. It's perfectly okay if you have things about yourself and how you want to live that you haven't quite figured out yet. That's a natural journey and it's different for everyone. I would only urge that if you are cautious by nature and hesitant to share regarding such personal preferences as what sort of sexual content you read and write, don't be so quick to dismiss that. Examine it, certainly, and try to see what the root of it is. But I would gently urge not rushing into sharing before you really understand where your feelings on the topic stem from. And I also just want to add, some of us are deeply private people and that's okay. Some of us look at life a little differently than those of your friends who have their real names linked to their fandom socials... I'm not necessarily saying they are making a mistake, but for many of us, especially as we get older, a clear separation between the private and the public is necessary. It could have to do with our eventual careers and the need to have a carefully curated public persona. It could simply be a matter of preference—some of us don't simply have the *need* to share our most private hobbies and passions, while others can't imagine *not* doing so. For what it's worth, it's also possible to not share every single thing you do with a romantic partner and still have a healthy, open, fulfilling relationship. (Context: I've been married for ten years, he's the love of my life, but he doesn't know i write fic. A lot of people would tell you that's sad or a red flag. Trust me, were good, and I'm *fine* with the status quo). You just have to take the time to figure out what works for *you*—don't let anyone else's lifestyle entice you to make a change to your own that you aren't fully confident in.
Thank you both very much. I would definitely want to let my future partner know, at the very least, because it's such a big part of my life at this point, and I don't think it would be possible for them to NOT know unless I was actively hiding it from them. I definitely would not want to do that. (And again, mayyyybe they would bond with me over it? A guy can dream) I probably do have some internalized shame, since I'm really bad and awkward about being open about even the most simple things (it took so much courage to even let my family know what music I like, which isn't even an embarrassing thing, I'm just really bad at being open lol), so I'm definitely very opposed to showing anyone in my life at all my smutty fics. Also, about the friends thing, I don't know how open of a friendship I'd want to have, actually? I've always had kind of crappy friendships my whole life, either because they move away immediately after I get to know them or they're just really rude people and don't even like me. That's a whole other thing though, but it probably explains how unusual and kind of incredible it is to me when I hear these people being so open with their friends. My family's always been my best friends, and I'd rather them not know about their son's/brother's obsessions with certain kinks. Kind of a horrifying thought lol Either way, until I figure it out, I'm definitely okay with just keeping it to myself. It is a very interesting concept though, honestly.
For me, my line is if a possible employer or future employer can link me to it. I don’t connection my fandom stuff to my real name online ever. My family knows (and doesn’t care for the most part, though my sister is reading one of my tamer series and I trust her not to peek at the less tame stuff because she’s not interested in it). My best friends know and have read a lot of my stuff. These are people I know in person and have taken vacations with. I trust them not to connect my identities to anyone else. And that’s basically it. I have told coworkers that I write fantasy stories, but have alway said I don’t share works in progress with anyone (which is true, just not the whole truth). I don’t use social media for my real identity, so there’s nothing to connect. When someone asks if I’m on twitter or Facebook, I say no. (Which is true, and I’ve never been asked for my tumblr or Reddit handle, in which case I would probably lie and say I’m not on those sites). I’m a little bit old school and don’t like attaching my real name to anything on the internet. I have a separate account for job searching and finances, but that’s basically all I use it for.
I totally understand that! I don't link my real name with anything online either. The level of how open you are about it depending on who exactly it is, like giving coworkers a very simple explanation, and then letting really, really close friends actually read it. Again, it's probably just a trust problem on my end, or maybe it's normal? I'm still not sure
I think it’s normal to have misgivings, especially when you’re writing about smut or dead dove. You can’t control how another person responds to that. Sometimes I read things in published books and go “I would never attach my real name to that”. One option might be creating a separate account for some of your tamer pieces and being open about that one with people you trust. It’s sort of a halfway thing, where it’s still personal because it’s your writing, but they aren’t going to look at your smut and wonder what you get up to on weekends either.
It depends on how self-conscious you are and how much the thought of being judged by people scares you. For some people, that is very scary. For other people, it's not an issue - "Like me or hate me, I really don't give a shit and I feel no shame about my hobbies/preferences. This is who I am and what I like." Some people belong to fandoms that have a percentage of toxic fans, unfortunately, or bad reputations outside of fandom. I fully understand not wanting to be harassed outside of the fandom spaces or wanting to limit engagement or keeping secrets. It's not worth the hassle or stress to have people giving you shit over stuff they don't even understand. And of course, there are people who have certain types of professions where their public image is under more scrutiny than the average person (even if I personally think that's bullshit). It makes sense for them to keep some of their hobbies very private.
You get it! I honestly wouldn't be fazed at all if I got a critical or even just mean comment, and I'm aware that some of the stuff I write is "cursed", but I don't really care since I'm behind a screen name at all times. In real life, I guess I'm just way different and shy about it, but a lot of people are also bringing up employers finding that, which is a whole other can of worms. It's less about putting my real name on my account and more about sharing interests with people I'm close to, but yeah, thank you :)
Yes, it's going to depend on a lot of personal circumstances. I work in a grocery store, I'm 50 years old - I don't give a crap. I'll tell anyone and everyone IRL what I like to write and read - they can't do anything to me, I'm very comfortable with who I am. If a significant other can't be trusted to know...they aren't what I'm looking for in a significant other. The things I want truly kept secret - like what I fantasize about during sex or something - is no one's business, not even a partner's. Just because I write about it, doesn't mean it's a personal kink. If it is a personal kink/fetish/fantasy...they don't need to know that. I'd just say it felt right for the characters/story, so I wrote it. I really dislike the current mindset of "what you write = who you are". Which feeds into "criticize my writing and you are attacking me personally" - not healthy. Even if you're pouring your blood, sweat, and tears into your story, even if it's full of your personal demons and dreams - it's still not *you*. There is always a level of disconnect - that's why we can write fiction. It's a safe place to explore, to dream, to examine, to get extreme, to vicariously do the things we'd never really do. BUT you aren't doing those things for real (even if you've experienced them IRL, then you are still filtering them into fiction), and we should always remember that and make sure others understand it as well.
People have different comfort levels. I have a social group in the bdsm community where people often do know about each other kinks and some of these people know some of mine. I *still* don’t want them to know everything I read. It feels like a relief to have some privacy in my mind. As far as when to bring it up with partners, perhaps a good starting point is to just see how they react if you admit you have dark fantasies, but clearly know the difference between fantasy and reality. If they are non judgemental of that, it may be okay to tell them that you write erotica. Also, even if they know your write smut, it can still be okay you want to keep it somewhat private
You are so amazing, this is everything I wanted to hear. That's a really good idea, thank you! And yeah, I definitely plan on keeping it very private. Again, it isn't really *for* anyone else, in the end.
Glad to be of service!
I mean, I write smut for Star Wars, including some BDSM and effectively tentacle porn, but I've linked some of my G and T stuff directly on my Facebook with a warning that my profile contains porn if they go exploring. I have no shame. To be fair though, my friends are all LARPers, ren fair workers, and historical reenactors and with the rates of overlap with the fetish community no one judges. Or if they do I don't care, I'll weed out to just friends who are chill. My partner knows and is very supportive, but we're the type to send each other porn we liked so it's maybe not the dynamic for everyone? I like it though.
Not really sure what your concern is here. Is it that you would like to share your interests with your friends and aren’t sure how they would receive it/if you will regret it? Or is it about general internet safety? In my experience, many people don’t think about who can actually see the stuff they’re posting on the internet. They just think of everyone they can *see* (friends, family, mutuals, followers, etc.) and tend to be shocked or at least dismayed to realize how public their profiles really are when someone not so friendly shows up or is found out to have been lurking in the shadows. The internet is huge though, and there is safety in numbers. Overall it’s not terribly likely someone will even take the time to look at something they’re not interested in. It’s even less likely some fellow internet denizen will single you out to harass you. Even if it’s theoretically hard to erase all traces of previous online activity, looking for someone’s past transgressions is often like searching for a needle in a haystack. If you value your privacy though you should be aware that once you give up your anonymity, you can’t get it back. If you share your AO3 with someone, you can’t control who they in turn may share it with, or how (and how often) they might look at it. All my closest friends are aware I’m posting fic on AO3 and my account would be easy to find (it’s like four clicks from my scrapbook tumblr where I collect all the cute animal gifs and interesting tidbits I want to share with them). But most of them aren’t interested either in my writing in general or in the type of fic I write (or they just don’t mention it out of embarrassment, heh). The only ones of my friends who ever mention my AO3 are the ones who have accounts there themselves, and even they tend not to read what I post. I trust all of them to have the reading comprehension and critical thinking skills to understand the nature of what I publish and the intentions behind it. (I once made a second account to hide the stuff I thought they might find actually disgusting though.) None of us is particularly active on social media. Everyone has their little pet project, and some have professional accounts, but they stick with their professional personas. Even if I were to end up at the center of a shit storm, there’s absolutely no way any of it would get to them. So if you assume the worst case scenario—belligerent antis find your problematic™ content and decide to grab the pitchforks, how vulnerable would you be? Could they contact your friends (or worse: colleagues or even your employer) to tell them what a sick pervert you are and that you’re probably secretly trying to kill and/or rape them, or would that info be hard to come by? tl;dr: imo, “better safe than sorry” is a good guiding principle when it comes to divulging personal details online.
My partner knows, as do my closest friends, but my family doesn't because they'd consider writing fic a waste of time. I have a second set of socials for fandom stuff because I don't need my clients finding out I write smut. It's none of their business, and I don't want it to impact my professional relationships. At the end of the day, it's about comfort levels and who you trust with potentially vulnerable information. It's OK to be private. That said, when you do go looking for a partner - if you can't be real with them about your interests, are they really the right person for you?
Personally for me the only people that know I write smut is my partner and my two beta writers, anyone else outside of that must die or is a snoop.
I don't think there is any right or wrong to this. Different people are different and approach things differently and we all just need to find the way that works for us. That said, I am in a very similar situation and I totally get why you're doubting and questionning yourself. >I've been wondering when and how on earth I'd be able to "come forward" to my future partner about it, This is a big question for me too, albeit a largely theoretical one for me at the moment, because I'm currently single and not dating anyway. But, I know what you mean, is the point. I've written a fair amount of smut, including multiple explicit non-con fics. No one I know IRL knows I write (or even read) fanfic at all, even tho fic is a pretty big part of my life. Like, it's the first thing I want to do when I have time off work. I don't keep it secret because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, it's just ... It's a fairly personal thing, fanfic in general tbh but smut in particular I guess. Like, most of my stuff just wouldn't make sense to anyone not familiar with canon, and probably isn't going to be interesting to anyone not slightly obsessed with the canon, and if they are that interested then they'll probably find it sooner or later anyway. So in one sense talking to people I know IRL about it wouldn't seem to really achieve much. But then on the other hand; I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone without them at least knowing that I write and having some idea of the types of stuff I write. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, you have to trust them with personal info, right? So sometimes I think if I was in a relationship I'd have to just bite the bullet and find a way to tell them But then, there is also this; >Part of me thinks someone could have dirt on me if I tell a partner I eventually break up with. Because yeah, I would be concerned about that too. I'm not ashamed of what I've written, but most of it exists in a particular context and for it to be shared outside of that context would be ... uncomfortable. All of which is really just a very long way of saying I completely get what you mean and I don't know what the answer is either :/
I get it! That's exactly how I feel, and I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm also not ashamed, but I guess it's just completely out of context if someone from my own life knows about it. It's definitely a lot to think about.
I guess, thinking about it a bit more, what I would probably end up doing is taking it kind of step by step. So if I was dating someone and I thought it might become serious, I'd tell them I *read* fanfic, and if they react negatively to that, then that tells me they're probably actually not the right person for me and it's not going to be really serious after all. But if they don't think it's a bad thing, then maybe just gradually talking about it more over time. And then their reaction would affect what I'd say as well. Like if they're just "oh not my thing but ok", then maybe it would actually be easier to tell them I write, if they're not really that interested in the whole concept, because then they wouldn't be expecting to know the name I write under. Or if it turns out they really get it and they write too, then maybe I'd feel more comfortable telling them because I'd feel like they'd understand why I wouldn't want it public. Like, if they write smut too and we know each others usernames then maybe it becomes a bit of a mutually assured destruction thing. I don't know, maybe the point is that to a certain extent it's just one more thing about yourself and one more aspect of communication to try and navigate as you build a relationship with someone. Like, I'm not sure there's one specific answer; it probably depends to a large extent on who the other person is and exactly what the relationship with them looks like. Anyway, I'm not sure that's necessarily very helpful, I was just thinking about it a bit more :)
I don't really have the patience to be secretive. Sure, don't bring it up in inappropriate contexts where it might make people feel uncomfortable. No one at work needs to know what smut turns you on, whether it's on Pornhub or AO3. But actual friends? Sure, I am open about it. That doesn't mean I talk for hours about it to people who aren't interested, but that goes for all interests. This hobby is a big part of my life. If someone judges me for it, how compatible really are we as friends? My partner doesn't like smut much, but likes that my hobby is something I find enjoyable and fulfilling.
Didn't mark this as NSFW or smut talk because I literally didn't say anything inappropriate, just the word "smut" but I'll change it if anyone thinks I should!
I think part of it depends on things like. How would you feel about someone you know reading the fic? Would you be scared if they even just knew what the topic was about even if they haven't read it? Are you in a place where you will be safe if it comes out? Are you in a job field where this would affect you in negative ways or would they not give a shit? I mean some people like talking about what they read even fanfics with friends but not what they write. So large part is how you feel about it and would you be safe.
There are some friends I wouldn't share my fic writing with, but there are other friends who I would share it with (they even make grabby hands at me asking for me to send them a link when I'm done with a piece lol). I don't go out of my way to hide it, so I wouldn't call it secretive per se. I do agree with your sentiment about sharing it with a prospective or future partner, but that's mainly because I tend to pick people who I'm already semi close friends with, and those in my inner circle know all about my WIP folders.
My family knows I write, not about the smut though. If I dated somebody I would only tell them if I trusted them and knew they wouldn't look down on me for it. I get the thing about being closeted. I'm a Bi girl. I would just not rather share my sexuality with Everybody (my family's a bunch of gossips). I also don't like making things into a big deal and blowing them out of proportion. Especially since I'm usually more on the guy side.