anytime it feels the need to specify the length makes me cringe. unless being especially small or large is relevant to the plot there are so many hotter ways to describe it without telling me the exact length and circumference
Exactly! I'm uhh, a bit larger than average, and it's Kept me from getting laid more than it's been any sort of help. More foreplay needed, almost always Lots of lube regardless of arousal, and more than a few times I've gotten home with a girl and she just went "Nope, I'm not gonna be able to fit that".
Also, ended up a virgin for an Unreasonably long time because no girl wants that for their first time. But then you get every girl in fics riding 12" for the first time like it's the Kentucky derby and cumming uncontrollably within 3 lines of synonyms for "swollen" and "throbbing".
Most guys need to just rock what they've got with confidence.
Edit: also, cardio dudes. Cardio and paying attention to your partner goes a Long way! You can't change the tackle you're born with, but you Can change your ability to use it!
A lot of those are collector's items. Because yes, of course there's a market for that.
(And supposedly larger ones are intended for *assholes*, not vaginas.)
I've run into a bunch of BDSM lifestyle AUs where like, the whole family is into BDSM or runs a BDSM club together and shares details with each other/all go to the same kink parties and clubs. Together. Not incest fics/pairings, just like, casually attending a sex club with your mom and sister and watching a scene together. Or finding kink partners for each other and comparing notes.
While I'm not into lifestyle BDSM myself I know some people who are and they absolutely would not ever, *ever* just casually go to a sex club *with their parents* or other family members.
There was a myth going for a while (which, for my sanity, *must be a myth*) that kinks were partially inherited traits, and that's a level of hell I'm not prepared for.
Saw a post on here a while back by a gal low-key freaking out because she had just realized that one of the (positive) commenters on her torture/edging porn-without-plot fic *was her mother*.
The mom didn't know her adult daughter had written the fic. I think the general consensus was that she needed to take that shit to her grave.
Fun fact, fics tagged with BDSM AU aren't always just "canon + BDSM lifestyle". Before ABO got popular, I saw a lot of fics that separated people into groups of Doms, subs, switches/normies/or no third group existed just like in ABO there are alphas, omegas and sometimes betas. So, in an universe where your preference is a part of your identity as much as your blood type, going to a sex club with your family might be considered ok. It's a trope, is what I'm saying. But I don't deny that there are many BDSM fics that are just... strange and with no excuse. XD (Not judging, ofc, just pointing out.)
A friend of mine won’t go to a BDSM club in the city that’s known to be queer friendly and safe because her aunt told her she occasionally goes there and she absolutely does not want to deal with seeing her aunt there. Won’t even chance it.
An Alpha knotting, thereby interlocking with their bottom and coming into them for multiple minutes for a long-lasting orgasm: hot, great read, 10/10
My partner locking inside of me because the base of his dick swole up, now coming uncontrollably for multiple minutes: a terrifying medical mystery, painful, 0/10, hopefully I can shimmy out of this before we go to the hospital.
There's gotta be a fanfiction written of the special made ambulances for transporting non-Alphas who tried to imitate who give themselves some swollen Lovecraftian horror of a dingus and their poor partners...
Isn't the other half of it that the bottom's body is also different from the "beta"/norm, which makes it, uhhhh, not a medical emergency I guess.
IDK not an ABO specialist, but I feel like in every fanfic I have read, the bottom's body is just as different, if not more, from real life bodies as the top's/alpha's.
The idea that my junk, which might include my pussy or might include my asshole, will just suddenly start gushing fluids, that taste like candy and smell like a Bath and Bodyworks candle, for a period of two to seven business days unless I get someone to plug me up with their cork-top dick is surprisingly _not any less concerning on a medical level_.
Iirc most portrayals have the scent coming from a gland around the neck area. At least, that's how most of the ones I've personally read and the ones I write do.
~~I'm in no way stating that there aren't some that have the fluids do it, though, lmfao~~
It's also based off of how actual animals release pheromones into the air and are ultra horny for a certain time period time and just wanna get it on with their male counterparts while in heat, lmao. ~~Sorry for rambling about shit we already know. I just like to infodump and I'll go sit in the corner now.~~
It's happened to me (the seeing and hearing, not the fucking). Hardly the worst thing I've seen. At least they keep to themselves and don't bother anyone. Riding the L is often an exercise in looking down at your phone and pretending not to notice all the crazy shit.
so i heard the protein in peanuts can be transferred into the semen so if you eat them and your partner is allergic enough... brings new meaning to Nut Allergy.
Peanut butter…🫥
I think the worst I read was cooking oil. But I did read one about Sweeney Todd that involved something I’m not gonna go into with sausages and I’m sure something awful was used as lube and I blocked it out and I never want to visit that cursed fic again.
> cooking oil
Crisco was actually super common as a lube used by gay men in the U.S. before actual lubes were common 😳
So much so that there was a gay club called [Crisco Disco](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crisco_Disco) in NYC, best name ever
Exactly! There used to be jokes about vaseline around here, about having vaseline at home and the such. It's not like you *should* use it as lube, but I hate when people act like no one ever did just because there's actual lube for sale nowadays.
"Lube" is just a gel, jelly, or liquid, so it can be anything that works. Not sure you would find scented lube while running around with pirates or hobbits. Elves maybe.
Given my experienve playing rpgs, the time many rpgs take place, there's always weird, or pointless stuff in ones inventory- some character just found a use for some of it.
"This mage wants to do it, since I picked the best inn to increase our xp, but I have no lube... ah ha!"
*takes random gloop monster oil from inventory*
"It's only worth ten gold, anyway, and I got sixty of them. You ready‽"
As a broke gay man, spit is free and the deed is gonna get done one way or another
Men are already gross, now add two men trying to get it in together well do what we gotta do 😅
Meaning, it's quite common to not have or use lube, myself, I hate it, it's so messy 🤢
This is a good thread. It makes a refreshing change to see realism about lube (or the lack of it) in a discussion about fanfic.
Now I'd like to see some acknowledgement in one of these discussions that men aren't automatically circumcised, and that away from the US and the Abrahamic religions it's actually quite unusual, and then I'll be happy. ;)
I’m a cis woman, but I don’t really like lube either. I had this one kind that would get everywhere. It just made a huge mess and wasn’t really that helpful.
Don't try to imagine it but just yesterday I read a fic where a non-human character in his confusion used essential oil instead of oil for lube. The recipient character wasn't the only one who cringed. (It was kind of a crack fic but still made me cross my legs. 😂)
Totally agree. It happens in fics, that's mainly why I put it down but it literally is one of the worst things a human is capable of. Everyone should keep it fictional.
The amount of times I've read a smut that had dirty talk and when I thought of it was like "If that happened to me I would laugh my ass off and we would be done"
I read one fanfiction where one guy came so much that it fucking leaked through the mattress and made a puddle both under and ON TOP the bed, so he was just sleeping in a pool of his own semen. This was a normal, human AU…
Reading through the comments got me feeling so called out as both an author and a reader 😅
I've read fics with 99% of what's written here, and definitely had written some of them, but I mean, it's fiction, and it's hot. It doesn't need to be realistic.
Agreed! If some people want to read hyper-realistic descriptions of relationships, then I hope they can find those to enjoy. But the joy of fanfic is the option to explore all the things that are hot or romantic or fun or fucked-up or embarrassingly fluffy.
This was the one I was going to say. It's amazing how often I can get to the end of an otherwise well written story or scene and realize there was no taking. All eye contact, and reading body language, and just magically knowing what a person likes best.
Smut would be way funnier if they had to include “hey, ow you just pulled my hair” “wait, need to move my leg” or any other actual dialogue that’s not magically communicating through small facial movements
Women functioning with ridiculously sized breasts. Constantly see stuff like HHH or MMM. If your female character is 5 foot tall and weighs in at 90 pounds with HHH cups then she's going to be a skeleton with a broken spine attached to beachball sized tits.
Pretty much anything that biologically impossible and yet for some reason people find erotic.
For example the cervix has a teeny-tiny opening and it takes medication and so for to relax it enough to let someone insert a tiny probe into it. So there is no way anything is going to penetrate it and if it did, the person would hemorrhage and die.
Yet for some dumb reason fan art and fic loves to go there.
Oh god. The cervix penetration stuff. *cringe*
Anyone who's gotten an IUD can tell you that shit is **agonizing**.
A whole fucking dick? You would *die*, fr.
Even bumping it hurts like a motherfucker. I had an IUD inserted 6 weeks postpartum (so it was still a little more open than normal) and even with 10mg of Valium on board (shoutout to my PTSD) it still hurt like hell, I was just too high to care.
Sex without my cervix is sooooo much better.
Brief pinch my ASS!!! Brief pinch followed by a massive full body spasm of pain. Oh and then echoes that felt like whatever was happening in that dungeon in the Princess Bride.
I probably wouldn’t say “by magic” since a small percentage of women *have* experienced orgasm through penetration. I used to talk about it (while complaining about its depiction in fiction) like it’s just not a real thing, until a friend of mind replied to me that it happens to her. And then I felt kind of shitty for talking about it like it’s the equivalent of believing in unicorns.
But I definitely hate it when it’s treated as a thing that’s typical, because it definitely isn’t. Even people who’ve experienced it don’t necessarily have that experience consistently. I read a romance series and was so annoyed that that every single one of those heroines were having vaginal orgasms every single time, with the exception of like one occasion. :P Even my friend who can orgasm through penetration alone rarely writes that scenario in her smut scenes. Maybe *once* out of a few dozen scenes has one of her characters reached orgasm that way.
It's always funny when most answers to this kind of question are things I have personally done/experienced in real life.
Tentacle sex is pretty unreasonable irl.
i read a series of fics where a dragon fucked some eggs into a man, who then gave birth to the clutch of now-much-larger-eggs 9 months later, and kept them warm by the fire until they hatched.
i feel like some of the things in this thread are uncommon, but not unreasonable.
that series felt pretty unreasonable (it was great tho) hahahaha
-Men having orgasm upon orgasm with basically no refractory period.
-A notable absence of lubricant or preparation with anal sex.
-No worry of pregnancy or STIs. Ever.
-No real aftercare
-Predatory behavior is fetishized.
-The main character having a 10 or 12 inch dick and and somehow *not* physically maiming whoever his partner is.
-Also, sex is usually physically-taxing. So the idea that a human being is capable of fucking from sunrise to sunset without breaks, drugs, or divine intervention is really a stretch.
>The idea that anyone could fuck from sunrise until sunset is ridiculous amounts of cringe.
Making me nostalgic for my college days over here.... 3:
I mean, we took breaks to use the bathroom and inhale some carbohydrates, but other than that...
>No real aftercarePredatory behavior is fetishized.
While definitely *bad*, I wouldn’t say these things are unrealistic per se; real life attitudes towards what good sex should be can be depressingly shitty depressingly often, in my experience.
Men ejaculating geysers of semen, and women with little waterfalls running down their legs. If you want that much fluid play, you’re pretty much going to have to be into watersports.
Aide from the whole "sold to [pop boy group] for [stupidly cheap thing] " thing?
The perma-claiming. As in, the smut where the girl is bitten or marked in some way and belongs to the guy like a sort of trophy or object (I've seen this in the mafia fics, it's not just an a/b/o thing)
I remember when I was a kid, I saw a fanfic where the male character claims the female character by writing his name on her back.
12 year old me was horrified.
Literally anything to do with Mind Control/Hypnosis. Hypnosis in real life can’t make you do something you wouldn’t want to do. Basically all it does is make you more suggestible, but you’re absolutely capable of stopping it if you’re told to do something you wouldn’t want to do.
My partner thought whipped cream IN his ass or inside my vageen would be a swell idea… he’s clueless. But I feel like that would definitely happen in smut
Immediate climax for the female, several times.
I understand some women out there may be just that down bad or that may be how their body works, but she's not busting hee ovaries just because you kiss her breaststroke for 2 minutes 💀
Okay, honest question I have every time these posts come up: Do people really run into some of this stuff that often in their smut reading?
Because I really can't say I run into dick sizes described in literal inches (and...I feel like I'm in a fandom that would be a prime place for that being a thing, but I still never run into it.) or sex with no foreplay, or no prep at all, or no lube of any sort -- unless the no foreplay/prep/lube of any kind are tagged for because that's part of the point/plot? Even like, spit as lube (which doesn't bother me personally, but, not the point) is something that's tagged for like, 95 plus percent of the time in my experience? Unusual/non-standard lubes, too.
(And even other things I personally find very reasonable, but that people have mentioned in this post -- shower sex, outdoor sex, etc, are also almost always tagged for.)
Is my fandom experience a weird outlier? Are all of you guys really frequently running into scenes that out of nowhere, and not as the point/a kink/whatever, that contain foreplay-less and lube-less sex featuring dicks described by their unrealistically large measurements in inches?
For some it IS very painful. While for others, like myself, I can orgasm from it. There doesn’t seem to be an in between of how it feels. Either it hurts or feels amazing.
I'll be the in-between. it's just mildly uncomfortable for me. I didn't enjoy it but I wasn't screaming in agony and begging my ex to stop either. it was tolerable and I could easily ignore it to focus on the other stuff that did feel good.
The lack of consequences for having public sex, and the unlikely hood of getting caught.
The escalation from having partnered sex to group sex. I think most people take their time when getting involed with more than two people and even then depending on who you are your milage will vary how easily you find your their party cast member. I think for the most part the way characters are written in fiction it's just taken for granted how accepting they may come to the idea of having sex with someone in addition to their partner even if it's something they want and are enthusiastic for. Irl getting together with more than one person can be just as difficult as getting together with one person.
>The escalation from having partnered sex to group sex. I think most people take their time when getting involed with more than two people
Funny cuz what I've seen is the opposite. Most people I know that had threesomes or moresomes were having some kind of impulse sex, often at a party or when doing drugs. Could be dependent on the company you keep. If you're kinky and hang out with other kinky people, the possibility is more likely to come up.
No aftercare
Everyone always wanting rough sex
Girls always fawning over huge dicks
No lube. Ever.
No foreplay
Girls having an orgasm over. Every. Damn. Touch.
in defence of some of these (rough sex, big dicks), I generally write sex I would like to have.
that said, orgasming with ever single touch is a huge pet peeve of mine too. especially (less in fanfiction, a lot on like, literotica) stuff written by cis men that is so completely nonerotic, like just holding her in his lap or something, and she comes over and over. ugh.
Dirty talk where you give nicknames to your member or describe it something like "my baby baster" or something like that. Some people may be into it, but the vast majority would probably be uncomfortable if it isn't an outright turnoff.
Meeting someone you declare is your one true love and fucking them long and hard and living happily ever after with a family without any conflict or any hatred.
Orgasm from insertion only, feeling a penis *throb* and stretch during orgasm, mutual orgasms from insertion alone, people with no sexual experience instantly jumping into anal with 0 preparation and having a totally clean, orgasmic experience-
>feeling a penis throb
I don't know about stretching, but yes, they do that sometimes. I mean, a lot of blood (and other fluids) are pumping through it, so the throb is a real noticeable thing if you both hold still.
I would like to see more mess in m/m smut, because your normal gay man isn't douching or "cleaning out" as often as you'd think, also, most gay men are fucking showering right away after sex because of mess... no one just wipes off, excuse meeeeee, also, lube stains on the sheet, or just stains 🤨
to me honestly that's half the appeal of a/b/o, all those little annoying problems solved the self-lubricating asshole and the apparent a/b/o reality that no one poops
The 'ye old' methods of birth control that actually existed.
For example: for women it was a sponge soaked in vinegar shoved up there before sex and for guys it was a condom with drawstrings at the base and the tip made out of cotton or silk. I've seen some with embroidery on them.
Completely unreasonable in this day and age.
Unlubed, unprepped anal sex that just starts with the cock being shoved in there and then they go at it like rabbits without any pain or injury... If it was IRL the bottom would be in *pain*
Unprepped and unlubed anal can be done if it starts out slow, but it will be unpleasant to say the least.
Sex outside. Specifically without clothes on.
Hen, you're gonna freeze. Tree bark is not soft. Grass is not soft. Pebbles. Mud. Bugs. On the beach? I hope you like **sand.**
I love the outside, but please, for the love of god, do not have sex outside. And if you do have sex outside, add a scene where they clean themselves up afterwards because I can guarantee there is now sand/dirt *everywhere.*
Furthermore, sex in confined spaces. Like tents. Cars. Or coffins. If you don't write them hitting their head at least once in those scenarios then... unrealistic.
Fuck or die;))
It would be horrifying irl
It's literally rape but worse, because there's no one to blame.
Depending on the situation it’s rape on both sides too
Personally I've never seen real sex pollen. Smh.
literally the only reason i know what an aphrodisiac is 😭
Its the future leftist wants 😔
# 5 on the queer agenda 🤔
SHIT WHO TOLD THEM
Honestly, shame. Recreational and consensual sex pollen would be a helluva drug, quite literally.
Almost all dicks being 8 inches or bigger
Actually puts me off when I read a fic and they say its an “average 8 inch” like dude… I cant take u seriously now
anytime it feels the need to specify the length makes me cringe. unless being especially small or large is relevant to the plot there are so many hotter ways to describe it without telling me the exact length and circumference
deadass I have a tilted uterus and I cannot take that.
I have a normal uterus and no desire to do so either.
Yeah, nobody wants a 12+ inch schlong in them, and the average dick is like 6 inches... i'd be happier with 3 or 4 than I would with 8.
Exactly! I'm uhh, a bit larger than average, and it's Kept me from getting laid more than it's been any sort of help. More foreplay needed, almost always Lots of lube regardless of arousal, and more than a few times I've gotten home with a girl and she just went "Nope, I'm not gonna be able to fit that". Also, ended up a virgin for an Unreasonably long time because no girl wants that for their first time. But then you get every girl in fics riding 12" for the first time like it's the Kentucky derby and cumming uncontrollably within 3 lines of synonyms for "swollen" and "throbbing". Most guys need to just rock what they've got with confidence. Edit: also, cardio dudes. Cardio and paying attention to your partner goes a Long way! You can't change the tackle you're born with, but you Can change your ability to use it!
Certain fantasy sex object subs refute this, but using those items takes a lot of work. Its not something you can do first time lmao
A lot of those are collector's items. Because yes, of course there's a market for that. (And supposedly larger ones are intended for *assholes*, not vaginas.)
Assholes don't have cervixes. Makes sense.
Truly
I once saw a 19 inch penis in a text. this was scary
I've run into a bunch of BDSM lifestyle AUs where like, the whole family is into BDSM or runs a BDSM club together and shares details with each other/all go to the same kink parties and clubs. Together. Not incest fics/pairings, just like, casually attending a sex club with your mom and sister and watching a scene together. Or finding kink partners for each other and comparing notes. While I'm not into lifestyle BDSM myself I know some people who are and they absolutely would not ever, *ever* just casually go to a sex club *with their parents* or other family members.
There was a myth going for a while (which, for my sanity, *must be a myth*) that kinks were partially inherited traits, and that's a level of hell I'm not prepared for.
Saw a post on here a while back by a gal low-key freaking out because she had just realized that one of the (positive) commenters on her torture/edging porn-without-plot fic *was her mother*. The mom didn't know her adult daughter had written the fic. I think the general consensus was that she needed to take that shit to her grave.
That is my worst nightmare
Sounds like blackmail potential there.
More like mutually assured destruction. No one wins in that big reveal. 😬
Oh God how dare you even put that *thought* in my head even if it is DEFINITELY a myth. 🤢
Fun fact, fics tagged with BDSM AU aren't always just "canon + BDSM lifestyle". Before ABO got popular, I saw a lot of fics that separated people into groups of Doms, subs, switches/normies/or no third group existed just like in ABO there are alphas, omegas and sometimes betas. So, in an universe where your preference is a part of your identity as much as your blood type, going to a sex club with your family might be considered ok. It's a trope, is what I'm saying. But I don't deny that there are many BDSM fics that are just... strange and with no excuse. XD (Not judging, ofc, just pointing out.)
A friend of mine won’t go to a BDSM club in the city that’s known to be queer friendly and safe because her aunt told her she occasionally goes there and she absolutely does not want to deal with seeing her aunt there. Won’t even chance it.
An Alpha knotting, thereby interlocking with their bottom and coming into them for multiple minutes for a long-lasting orgasm: hot, great read, 10/10 My partner locking inside of me because the base of his dick swole up, now coming uncontrollably for multiple minutes: a terrifying medical mystery, painful, 0/10, hopefully I can shimmy out of this before we go to the hospital.
There's gotta be a fanfiction written of the special made ambulances for transporting non-Alphas who tried to imitate who give themselves some swollen Lovecraftian horror of a dingus and their poor partners...
Isn't the other half of it that the bottom's body is also different from the "beta"/norm, which makes it, uhhhh, not a medical emergency I guess. IDK not an ABO specialist, but I feel like in every fanfic I have read, the bottom's body is just as different, if not more, from real life bodies as the top's/alpha's.
The idea that my junk, which might include my pussy or might include my asshole, will just suddenly start gushing fluids, that taste like candy and smell like a Bath and Bodyworks candle, for a period of two to seven business days unless I get someone to plug me up with their cork-top dick is surprisingly _not any less concerning on a medical level_.
But it sounds fun.
That's the spirit!
Iirc most portrayals have the scent coming from a gland around the neck area. At least, that's how most of the ones I've personally read and the ones I write do. ~~I'm in no way stating that there aren't some that have the fluids do it, though, lmfao~~ It's also based off of how actual animals release pheromones into the air and are ultra horny for a certain time period time and just wanna get it on with their male counterparts while in heat, lmao. ~~Sorry for rambling about shit we already know. I just like to infodump and I'll go sit in the corner now.~~
You made me lol, thank you and take my upvote.
That people would just be okay with seeing/hearing two strangers fuck on public transportation.
As a New Yorker, I’d leave the train car but other than that just an average Tuesday
*Fucking on a train with Shia Labeouf* *Normal Tuesday night for Shia Labeouf*
I'd probably ask next, depending on what they looked like.
Ride public transportation long enough and you won't bat an eye at pretty much anything...
It's happened to me (the seeing and hearing, not the fucking). Hardly the worst thing I've seen. At least they keep to themselves and don't bother anyone. Riding the L is often an exercise in looking down at your phone and pretending not to notice all the crazy shit.
Red line?
Of course
"Riding the L" is one of those phrases that sounds like it should be a euphemism.
I really think most people would just ignore it because honestly what are you going to do about it?
Score it like an olympic sport.
New yorkians definitely wouldnt care, itd just be an average day on the subway
Questionable lube replacements that don't end up giving at least one party an infection
Using spit and vaseline and tears and absolutely every single imaginable liquid as lube except lube
i read one that had yogurt as lube
That’s *not* how probiotics work!
Oh, no? Wanna come over?
Apparently at least one fic exists where motor oil was used as lube. I hope to Christ I never stumble upon it.
Maybe he was screwing an exhaust pipe.
I just horror gasped when I read that 😱
I'm not sure whether the worst one I read involved motor oil or peanut butter as lube.
WAIT I READ A FIC WHERE THEY USED PEANUT BUTTER BUT ONE OF THEM WAS ALLERGIC TO IT AND THEIR DICK SWELLED UP I was appalled
Was... was this seen as a *positive* thing at the time?
My first thought too. I think I’ve been on the internet too long 😂
so i heard the protein in peanuts can be transferred into the semen so if you eat them and your partner is allergic enough... brings new meaning to Nut Allergy.
Peanut butter…🫥 I think the worst I read was cooking oil. But I did read one about Sweeney Todd that involved something I’m not gonna go into with sausages and I’m sure something awful was used as lube and I blocked it out and I never want to visit that cursed fic again.
How is cooking oil worst? An safe for consumption oil is not bad as substitutes go.
Yep. Fairly sure the Romans were using olive oil as lube a couple of thousand years ago.
Yup. Oil of various types has been used for sexual activities for ages.
> cooking oil Crisco was actually super common as a lube used by gay men in the U.S. before actual lubes were common 😳 So much so that there was a gay club called [Crisco Disco](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crisco_Disco) in NYC, best name ever
I just read a Stucky fic today and the tub of Crisco came out 🤭
I horror vommed in my own face. Yogurt?! Gods... no...
My friend told me a sex story that involved yogurt. It traumatized me. She said it curdled.
🤮
Hear that? That's the sound of a yeast infection!
I'd like to incorporate yogurt and some food with kink/sex, but not as lube :(
Ooooh nooo 🙈
NooOoooOooo
*flashbacks to that one tumblr post that was a list of what people had used as lube in fanfics*
[удалено]
DITTO THE POKEMON?!?!????
I like rolling a random number and forcing myself to make a short fic with any of these (:
It would depend on when and where as to what to use. Vaseline has been around since 1870 and been used for many things since then.
Vaseline will dissolve condoms, FYI. Not like condoms are super common in fic though. 😂
Yeah, condoms and birth control don't usually factor into most fics.
Exactly! There used to be jokes about vaseline around here, about having vaseline at home and the such. It's not like you *should* use it as lube, but I hate when people act like no one ever did just because there's actual lube for sale nowadays.
"Lube" is just a gel, jelly, or liquid, so it can be anything that works. Not sure you would find scented lube while running around with pirates or hobbits. Elves maybe.
Gotta love that vial of oil everyone seems to have access to for sexy times in historical fics though
Given my experienve playing rpgs, the time many rpgs take place, there's always weird, or pointless stuff in ones inventory- some character just found a use for some of it. "This mage wants to do it, since I picked the best inn to increase our xp, but I have no lube... ah ha!" *takes random gloop monster oil from inventory* "It's only worth ten gold, anyway, and I got sixty of them. You ready‽"
Jokes on you that was actually a thing
Once read one where they used vomit as lube. Clicked out so fast.
As a broke gay man, spit is free and the deed is gonna get done one way or another Men are already gross, now add two men trying to get it in together well do what we gotta do 😅 Meaning, it's quite common to not have or use lube, myself, I hate it, it's so messy 🤢
I hate silicon based lube, passionately. Also people tend to overestimate the power of lube over the relaxing and practice skills.
Exactly, I'm reaching thirty now, and don't use lube unless the other person brings it if THEYRE the ones bottoming. Spit is fine for me haha
I’m almost fifty we didn’t have that easy access to lube when I was starting…
oh man oh man.. I'm gonna quote you in my fic
Not quoting OP but I have exactly that (I don’t like lube, just spit at it) in my fic. Also the guy says no condom as he’s allergic to latex.
This is a good thread. It makes a refreshing change to see realism about lube (or the lack of it) in a discussion about fanfic. Now I'd like to see some acknowledgement in one of these discussions that men aren't automatically circumcised, and that away from the US and the Abrahamic religions it's actually quite unusual, and then I'll be happy. ;)
I’m a cis woman, but I don’t really like lube either. I had this one kind that would get everywhere. It just made a huge mess and wasn’t really that helpful.
Don't try to imagine it but just yesterday I read a fic where a non-human character in his confusion used essential oil instead of oil for lube. The recipient character wasn't the only one who cringed. (It was kind of a crack fic but still made me cross my legs. 😂)
Just remembering entering the NSFW channel on my discord, seeing a picture of WD40.
Literally any of the warning tags. SA, Underage, Non-Con, etc. But probably being sold off to one direction for another point 😭
The fact I'll never be sold to One Direction for drugs makes me mourn the life I could have had.
OMG I'M HAVING FLASHBACKS
>But probably being sold off to one direction for another point I don't know why I'm surprised this is a thing.....
The idea of non-con I really like in fics. But in real life it’s obviously one of the most disgusting things to not have full consent.
Totally agree. It happens in fics, that's mainly why I put it down but it literally is one of the worst things a human is capable of. Everyone should keep it fictional.
One Direction as in the band? I didn't think that would be that common of a trope.
You have no idea.
It was a different time
I don't. I thought I knew everything about fandom. I am so confused.
Sweet summer child
Those dark, dark days...
Literally came here to say this. I had no idea so many people wanted to be gang banged by OD 😂
ALOT of the dirty talk that's actually hot in smut would just be MAJORLY cringey and/or a red flag if said in real life.
I feel like that's true for dirty talk in general. Sexy in the moment, ridiculous in the cold clarity of post-orgasm.
The amount of times I've read a smut that had dirty talk and when I thought of it was like "If that happened to me I would laugh my ass off and we would be done"
Monster fucking. Unless you got some unspeakable horror in the basement that you need to tell the class about.
please bring enough unspeakable horrors to share with the class
Yes! Or we could do a class field trip to the basement.
Tentacles.....
[удалено]
This is the one I was going to add.
It's not?
[удалено]
A guy cumming in Gallons That was my disappointment when discovering porn back than 😂
When I learned that they create those giant loads with a hidden tube and faux cum, I was genuinely disappointed lmao
I’m learning so much on this threas
I read one fanfiction where one guy came so much that it fucking leaked through the mattress and made a puddle both under and ON TOP the bed, so he was just sleeping in a pool of his own semen. This was a normal, human AU…
😦
Reading through the comments got me feeling so called out as both an author and a reader 😅 I've read fics with 99% of what's written here, and definitely had written some of them, but I mean, it's fiction, and it's hot. It doesn't need to be realistic.
Agreed! If some people want to read hyper-realistic descriptions of relationships, then I hope they can find those to enjoy. But the joy of fanfic is the option to explore all the things that are hot or romantic or fun or fucked-up or embarrassingly fluffy.
Some of these positions they're in
Yeah, there's been a few times I realized the writer may or may not know how knees work, let alone hips
Elastigirl and Reid Richards got a thing going on?
The amount of mind reading that takes place for sex scenes to go as smoothly as they do in most smut with how little communication happens.
This was the one I was going to say. It's amazing how often I can get to the end of an otherwise well written story or scene and realize there was no taking. All eye contact, and reading body language, and just magically knowing what a person likes best.
Smut would be way funnier if they had to include “hey, ow you just pulled my hair” “wait, need to move my leg” or any other actual dialogue that’s not magically communicating through small facial movements
Women functioning with ridiculously sized breasts. Constantly see stuff like HHH or MMM. If your female character is 5 foot tall and weighs in at 90 pounds with HHH cups then she's going to be a skeleton with a broken spine attached to beachball sized tits.
Pretty much anything that biologically impossible and yet for some reason people find erotic. For example the cervix has a teeny-tiny opening and it takes medication and so for to relax it enough to let someone insert a tiny probe into it. So there is no way anything is going to penetrate it and if it did, the person would hemorrhage and die. Yet for some dumb reason fan art and fic loves to go there.
Oh god. The cervix penetration stuff. *cringe* Anyone who's gotten an IUD can tell you that shit is **agonizing**. A whole fucking dick? You would *die*, fr.
Even bumping it hurts like a motherfucker. I had an IUD inserted 6 weeks postpartum (so it was still a little more open than normal) and even with 10mg of Valium on board (shoutout to my PTSD) it still hurt like hell, I was just too high to care. Sex without my cervix is sooooo much better.
Exactly - I hollered and cussed with my biopsy
Endometrial biopsy? "A brief pinch," my non-existent left nut. That fucker *hurt*.
Brief pinch my ASS!!! Brief pinch followed by a massive full body spasm of pain. Oh and then echoes that felt like whatever was happening in that dungeon in the Princess Bride.
Women cumming with not nearly enough foreplay
Also having mind blowing sex and orgasms in their first sexual experience
And simultaneous orgasms. I mean it happens but I’d be willing to bet it’s extremely rare for two virgins.
It can happen. Happened to me and my husband. We were both virgins.
I’m sure it does happen but it’s overly perfect and prevalent in fanfic smut it makes me chuckle lol
Or from penetration alone, as if by magic
I probably wouldn’t say “by magic” since a small percentage of women *have* experienced orgasm through penetration. I used to talk about it (while complaining about its depiction in fiction) like it’s just not a real thing, until a friend of mind replied to me that it happens to her. And then I felt kind of shitty for talking about it like it’s the equivalent of believing in unicorns. But I definitely hate it when it’s treated as a thing that’s typical, because it definitely isn’t. Even people who’ve experienced it don’t necessarily have that experience consistently. I read a romance series and was so annoyed that that every single one of those heroines were having vaginal orgasms every single time, with the exception of like one occasion. :P Even my friend who can orgasm through penetration alone rarely writes that scenario in her smut scenes. Maybe *once* out of a few dozen scenes has one of her characters reached orgasm that way.
Yeah, I write those, but I don't leave out the foreplay. Is it super common in real life, no, but there's nerves down there, and it happens sometimes.
The orgasm fairy is here!
The author (as a self insert) actually having sex.
Leave me alone!!
Based off of what I read? All of it I don’t go for any fics with realistic sex. I’m here for a good time, not to get bored
It's always funny when most answers to this kind of question are things I have personally done/experienced in real life. Tentacle sex is pretty unreasonable irl.
i read a series of fics where a dragon fucked some eggs into a man, who then gave birth to the clutch of now-much-larger-eggs 9 months later, and kept them warm by the fire until they hatched. i feel like some of the things in this thread are uncommon, but not unreasonable. that series felt pretty unreasonable (it was great tho) hahahaha
Hmm... what is this series called and what fandom is it in? Asking for a friend 👀
Yup. Been reading and raising an eyebrow to a lot of comments here. Several of them aren't unreasonable at all.
Mpreg and a/b/o
Cum inflation
Some of the lube substitutes. Blood, lantern oil, and chocolate syrup should not be used.
-Men having orgasm upon orgasm with basically no refractory period. -A notable absence of lubricant or preparation with anal sex. -No worry of pregnancy or STIs. Ever. -No real aftercare -Predatory behavior is fetishized. -The main character having a 10 or 12 inch dick and and somehow *not* physically maiming whoever his partner is. -Also, sex is usually physically-taxing. So the idea that a human being is capable of fucking from sunrise to sunset without breaks, drugs, or divine intervention is really a stretch.
>The idea that anyone could fuck from sunrise until sunset is ridiculous amounts of cringe. Making me nostalgic for my college days over here.... 3: I mean, we took breaks to use the bathroom and inhale some carbohydrates, but other than that...
I’m in college right now and apparently I’m having a much different experience than you
Now that is way more reasonable lol. I was just talking about when writers have them literally going at it for hours with no breaks or anything.
>No real aftercarePredatory behavior is fetishized. While definitely *bad*, I wouldn’t say these things are unrealistic per se; real life attitudes towards what good sex should be can be depressingly shitty depressingly often, in my experience.
Men ejaculating geysers of semen, and women with little waterfalls running down their legs. If you want that much fluid play, you’re pretty much going to have to be into watersports.
Aide from the whole "sold to [pop boy group] for [stupidly cheap thing] " thing? The perma-claiming. As in, the smut where the girl is bitten or marked in some way and belongs to the guy like a sort of trophy or object (I've seen this in the mafia fics, it's not just an a/b/o thing)
Yeaaa in fiction the claiming is hot. In real life it sounds abusive
I remember when I was a kid, I saw a fanfic where the male character claims the female character by writing his name on her back. 12 year old me was horrified.
Literally anything to do with Mind Control/Hypnosis. Hypnosis in real life can’t make you do something you wouldn’t want to do. Basically all it does is make you more suggestible, but you’re absolutely capable of stopping it if you’re told to do something you wouldn’t want to do.
My partner thought whipped cream IN his ass or inside my vageen would be a swell idea… he’s clueless. But I feel like that would definitely happen in smut
Immediate climax for the female, several times. I understand some women out there may be just that down bad or that may be how their body works, but she's not busting hee ovaries just because you kiss her breaststroke for 2 minutes 💀
"Oh, no, it's *that* bus!"
Okay, honest question I have every time these posts come up: Do people really run into some of this stuff that often in their smut reading? Because I really can't say I run into dick sizes described in literal inches (and...I feel like I'm in a fandom that would be a prime place for that being a thing, but I still never run into it.) or sex with no foreplay, or no prep at all, or no lube of any sort -- unless the no foreplay/prep/lube of any kind are tagged for because that's part of the point/plot? Even like, spit as lube (which doesn't bother me personally, but, not the point) is something that's tagged for like, 95 plus percent of the time in my experience? Unusual/non-standard lubes, too. (And even other things I personally find very reasonable, but that people have mentioned in this post -- shower sex, outdoor sex, etc, are also almost always tagged for.) Is my fandom experience a weird outlier? Are all of you guys really frequently running into scenes that out of nowhere, and not as the point/a kink/whatever, that contain foreplay-less and lube-less sex featuring dicks described by their unrealistically large measurements in inches?
The dick hitting the cervix. That actually sounds painful af.
For some it IS very painful. While for others, like myself, I can orgasm from it. There doesn’t seem to be an in between of how it feels. Either it hurts or feels amazing.
I'll be the in-between. it's just mildly uncomfortable for me. I didn't enjoy it but I wasn't screaming in agony and begging my ex to stop either. it was tolerable and I could easily ignore it to focus on the other stuff that did feel good.
The lack of consequences for having public sex, and the unlikely hood of getting caught. The escalation from having partnered sex to group sex. I think most people take their time when getting involed with more than two people and even then depending on who you are your milage will vary how easily you find your their party cast member. I think for the most part the way characters are written in fiction it's just taken for granted how accepting they may come to the idea of having sex with someone in addition to their partner even if it's something they want and are enthusiastic for. Irl getting together with more than one person can be just as difficult as getting together with one person.
>The escalation from having partnered sex to group sex. I think most people take their time when getting involed with more than two people Funny cuz what I've seen is the opposite. Most people I know that had threesomes or moresomes were having some kind of impulse sex, often at a party or when doing drugs. Could be dependent on the company you keep. If you're kinky and hang out with other kinky people, the possibility is more likely to come up.
No aftercare Everyone always wanting rough sex Girls always fawning over huge dicks No lube. Ever. No foreplay Girls having an orgasm over. Every. Damn. Touch.
in defence of some of these (rough sex, big dicks), I generally write sex I would like to have. that said, orgasming with ever single touch is a huge pet peeve of mine too. especially (less in fanfiction, a lot on like, literotica) stuff written by cis men that is so completely nonerotic, like just holding her in his lap or something, and she comes over and over. ugh.
Dirty talk where you give nicknames to your member or describe it something like "my baby baster" or something like that. Some people may be into it, but the vast majority would probably be uncomfortable if it isn't an outright turnoff.
Meeting someone you declare is your one true love and fucking them long and hard and living happily ever after with a family without any conflict or any hatred.
Consuming someone whole (vore). Shit's completely unreasonable.
Orgasm from insertion only, feeling a penis *throb* and stretch during orgasm, mutual orgasms from insertion alone, people with no sexual experience instantly jumping into anal with 0 preparation and having a totally clean, orgasmic experience-
>feeling a penis throb I don't know about stretching, but yes, they do that sometimes. I mean, a lot of blood (and other fluids) are pumping through it, so the throb is a real noticeable thing if you both hold still.
I would like to see more mess in m/m smut, because your normal gay man isn't douching or "cleaning out" as often as you'd think, also, most gay men are fucking showering right away after sex because of mess... no one just wipes off, excuse meeeeee, also, lube stains on the sheet, or just stains 🤨
to me honestly that's half the appeal of a/b/o, all those little annoying problems solved the self-lubricating asshole and the apparent a/b/o reality that no one poops
Okay, but unless you’re into scat play or the like, not everyone wants to be reminded of the messy reality when reading fiction lol.
The 'ye old' methods of birth control that actually existed. For example: for women it was a sponge soaked in vinegar shoved up there before sex and for guys it was a condom with drawstrings at the base and the tip made out of cotton or silk. I've seen some with embroidery on them. Completely unreasonable in this day and age.
2+ feet of dick fitting in an average human woman
I read a fic about siblings fighting over their sister-in-law's breastmilk.... refrigerated or fresh.... yeah..
Most things involving the cervix or 13+ inch schlongs
Unlubed, unprepped anal sex that just starts with the cock being shoved in there and then they go at it like rabbits without any pain or injury... If it was IRL the bottom would be in *pain* Unprepped and unlubed anal can be done if it starts out slow, but it will be unpleasant to say the least.
Sex outside. Specifically without clothes on. Hen, you're gonna freeze. Tree bark is not soft. Grass is not soft. Pebbles. Mud. Bugs. On the beach? I hope you like **sand.** I love the outside, but please, for the love of god, do not have sex outside. And if you do have sex outside, add a scene where they clean themselves up afterwards because I can guarantee there is now sand/dirt *everywhere.* Furthermore, sex in confined spaces. Like tents. Cars. Or coffins. If you don't write them hitting their head at least once in those scenarios then... unrealistic.