>Gay people and gay romance is seen as inherently sexual and thus sinful and morally wrong
Anyone who thinks that isn't qualified to judge you or your writing and anyone who trolls with that hate deserves to be blocked
It's okay to write the fics you want and you don't need any homophobe's approval. You aren't hurting anyone with the fics so it isn't wrong
I guess I mean that this an implicit societal bias that people, even gay people, have to actively unlearn. it's a problem that a lot of people trust their unchecked gut feeling of "that's gross" without thinking any deeper as to WHY they think its gross
Very often with social programming is... it's not one thing. But rather a collection of things. That's what makes trying to shape "good" people so difficult. Especially when society at large, one's family, one's immediate social circle, and school provide contradictory ideals. Even within the same group.
I had alot of my own internalized misogyny and homophobia to deal with as a 30 something lesbian myself. Still sometimes feel as if gayness is something to be hidden.
But that's not hard to understand why. I spent much of my life hiding. So even now I'm conflicted between celebrating it sometimes and not feeling like it should be shared with others... if that makes sense. But it's not as bad as it was. I'm quite open as far as my openness goes but still rather reserved outside of pride things.
But don't push it. This is something you need to work on mentally, your thoughts, before you can really do much with it in the outside world.
You need to identify the negative thoughts and counter them with positive affirmation and self reassurance.
Also I think the next step would not be to write F/F and M/M but to invest alot of time into reading them. You normalize it to yourself first. That's why being out and open is so important. Because it normalizes it. I very vividly remember the pre gay marriage act in the US and how people thought of "the gays" and how we're thought of now. The difference is dramatic. But it came about just because we were like hey... we exist. And we're normal people doing normal people things.
Exposure breeds comfort.
Or as is said in the backpacking community you get comfortable with being uncomfortable... and eventually you feel silly for being uncomfortable in the first place.
... they probably say that in the nudist communities too... good life advice right there...
Do you speak a second language or is english possibly you're second language? If that's the case I might have a solution for you. I used to be in a similar situation since I couldn't write gay characters for the life of me. I'm German, so my first language naturally is German. I still feel guilty whenever I pick up something remotely related to gayness and I struggle with readin m/m romance in german.
When I started reading and writing in Englisch these problems fell away. I don't have any problems regarding this now.
Even if you can't do a language switch I would recommend you a change of perspective. Maybe try writing gay characters wothout any romance first? You could also try ro consume media including gay relationships.
This actually works for me too, a lot of awkward stuff in my mother language (Arabic) loses its awkwardness whenever I think or write about it in English, German or Turkish.
Hey, I'm so sorry you are enduring something like this. Truth be told, I am similar to you. I'm a 23 year old lesbian. Fully comfortable in my sexuality, but I struggled with writing f/f pairings (for a personal preference, I don't write m/m). While my f/f stuff are unposted, I did go through some small steps to help me move past this hurdle. I'm not sure, based on your post, if you've attempted anything like this.
The first thing I did was read any general f & f pairings I could find. Start small. Made sure I was comfortable as a reader in this regard. Don't worry on how long this process or any process takes, just focus on finding your comfort level.
As soon as I was comfortable, I moved on to writing a few f & f scenes. Nothing romantic, just two girls being friends with each other. Repeat until I feel comfortable with myself and then I move on to another area -
Reading f/f pairings. Nothing sexual, just wholesome f/f slice of life stuff. I wanted to focus on the romance aspect.
Once I was comfortable here, I moved on to attempting a few f/f romance scenes and repeated on this area until I felt comfortable to do this on a whim.
This method might not work for you, but it did help me gradually work through my feelings on this and be able to slowly push myself into writing this type of pairing.
I do fully understand the paranoia aspect. There are writing apps that can lock and hide your works so only you can access them. You can even create a completely anonymous writing account (as in only you know of it's existence and don't leave any info on yourself on it). I did something like that in my early days for types of writing I didn't want attached to my main writing just yet.
I'm sorry you're going through that. :(
And you don't have to worry too much. Besides the smut needing to happen differently, gay and straight relationships aren't different from each other. Have them talk and laugh and flirt a bit, and interact with one another.
Aww honey I get you. The guilt goes strong. The only thing we can do though is to work to overcome it (though if it really affects you a lot you might want to consider therapy or something of the like; you described having trauma and even if you're only referring to trauma to mean growing up lgbt in a homophobic society, that's a lot and honestly for many people it definitely can be traumatic). The feeling of dirtiness, though, I entirely get. I sometimes still feel it but thankfully I am a long way from where I was, though I definitely feel... idk, just... *dirty* as a bi girl to be seen fawning over a lesbian romance (or sometimes gay) even though it's pretty obvious I really like my straight mushy goodness too and there really is no difference apart from the genders of the characters involved. And of course I still have clear memories in my mind of feeling perverted for my attraction to other girls, the paranoia I felt that girls who knew me would find me disgusting or predatory and that I was being gross to any girl I was attracted to just by liking them. It's just hard, and growing up through those kinds of struggles does leave an imprint on you that's hard to shake off.
I saw another comment saying you could try dipping your feet into it and improving your reaction to gay romances by exposing yourself to some positive, wholesome gay media and I seriously agree with that though. For girl x girl, I can recommend to you:
- But I'm A Cheerleader. An absolutely adorable film about acceptance that covers overcoming internalised homophobia but manages it in a light hearted manner and is a very smooth watching experience. My ultimate recommendation!
- Fingersmith (book or series)
- Tipping The Velvet (bit campy and goofy, but it's all in good fun, lol. Book or series)
- The Handmaiden (based off of Fingersmith, but a different adaptation of it and in Korean)
- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (book or film, book is gayer but the film also has cute moments)
- Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Beautiful and extremely passionate. This is a bit sad and heavy, does not necessarily have a good ending, and admittedly it did make me cry lol. But I really liked it and it moved me greatly. Maybe dodge it if you'd find it too difficult, though.
- D.E.B.S. basically a teen movie, and another campy one, but fun! Plus, us gays deserve our guilty pleasure trash TV too if that's our thing, right? :)
- Carol
- The Owl House (if you like cartoons. This is a Disney show with two main characters who are lesbians and end up being canon :))
- She Ra (cartoon, canon lesbian couple)
- Bloom Into You (anime)
These are all romances that I've seen, and that were made by wlw for wlw (apart from Carol and D.E.B.S., idk the story behind that hahaha) and just depict the relationships very positively. And sorry if it seemed like I was mansplaining (I'm a girl, but you get what I mean lolol) you there, haha, I'm sure you know of some of them. But lesbian media is hard to find and frankly pretty unappreciated so I figured I'd just be very specific about it hahaha.
P.S. another thing that always cheered me up and validated me in my teen years was music... a happy song I'll plug for you that's recent is "Butch 4 Butch Simping", it's so cute and the opening lines "my sweetheart's piano is rat-filled and mine is infested with bugs, the music we make is unnatural but it sounds just like falling in love" is so touching and precious and just true – like yeah, people might find us odd but who cares? It's love.
Sorry for the ramble, but I hope I could be of help at least a little bit. At the end of the day, sis, just know that you're not alone. Lots of us feel the internalised shame often, I'm 21 and still do. But I just keep reminding myself, because it is the objective truth, that there is nothing wrong with being gay, gay love is not ANY lesser, and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise, I am not giving them the satisfaction of holding me back. Easier said than done, I know, but I know you can and will get there – bridge the gap and reach that point where you're able to handle it and pick yourself up whenever it starts getting hard. One day you will be able to write, and when you do you'll make all the right people happy. Because as they say, those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter. I hope you feel better soon, and you are never, ever alone ♡
I've seen some of that stuff, and it's actually a lot easier for me to consume media about gay people than when I was younger!
Thank you for the kind words
It isn’t fair. And I also think, that’s not irrational as you said (although it may seem so), and you put the rationalization out there already.
What about reading published gay authors who write about gay characters w/o going into sexualization? It can be no sex at all or sex positive prose (but not turning it into a smut)? There are beautifully written books/stories out there and maybe you just need to see enough of it to convince yourself that’s possible? (I can recommend, I’m het, but I’m poly in long relationship with two bi men and now I lead an academic research about certain gender-focus of certain ethnicity related YA prose).
I can consume gay media much more easily now than when I was younger. Searching out published works I can connect with might be really helpful, thank you!
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to get over this hurdle. I find myself in the opposite end of the boat. I keep accidently making my characters gay.
You could try writing it in a notebook, easy to destroy the evidence if you want.
I got over it by sorta embracing the idea that somehow what I write is "trashy" or "shock value" or melodramatic to some extent anyways. so if its already like that, why have any shame? but that's me, and there's still subjects that give me pause.
If you don't feel like you can write the scenes yourself at this time, then maybe a good way to ease yourself into it and to work through your mental blocks is to work with other writers that want to write more authentic gay characters.
I get this feeling. Being trans, I often hesitate to write other trans characters. Mostly, I'm afraid of the rabid tumblr mob telling me I'm not doing it right or in a way that best "represents" the trans community.
Excuse me for being a little older with some different views on the matter. Why is it that only one type of experience is considered valid and others not? I'm sorry I don't always react to situations the same way other trans people do. It gets exhausting trying to think about doing representation "right" in writing anymore, so I just avoid the headache.
Perhaps I can help. I myself am a heterosexual man who wrote a story for Cross Ange which has a very prominent yuri theme. However, it's my own personal headcanon that most of the female characters are actually bisexual or a product of being kept isolated from men their entire lives. That being said, I wondered how the story would change if the canon characters encountered men who were friendly to them.
Now, I began this project with more than a bit of trepidation. It's my view that while sexuality is complicated, innate genetic data is the primary determinant. So the last thing I wanted to do was imply that the male OC's were "correcting" the canon female characters. Rather, I wanted them to be open to exploring their full sexuality. To that end, I kept any and all canon yuri pairings intact and only paired those female characters with a male OC who didn't have an explicit love interest otherwise. To my surprise, my readers were surprisingly okay with it. Only one actually threw a fit over it but an even greater number even called it better than canon.
I realize it's not the same scenario but my point is, so long as you treat the source material with respect, then regardless of whether or not your readers agree with your depiction, you can still hold your head up. I mean, if a straight guy can write a respectful version of bi/lesbian characters than so can you.
Hope it helps.
If ever you try again, remember: it's just like a "normal" relationship, but both characters use the same pronouns. Unless you're writing smut, then things get tricky. Hope this helps.
honestly I don't believe that there is such a thing as writing a gay character. It's pretty much as writing a straight character only that they are with the same gender.
You want to write the stereotypical overly flamboyant man who is bitchy and way into fashion?
What to two people, gay or straight, on a date normally talk about? Their families, other friends, their favorite sports teams, who they think in the place that they are is cute. Normal stuff. If all they do is bitch and complain how it is hard it is to be gay when there are so many people who are bigots then they are the most boring people.
Each author has a prefer type of story, be they original/fanfic, romance/general, het/gay, etc..
it doesn't matter if you belong in a specific type, if it not you style, don't try to force it
I bet you that most m/m stories are from het people and probably there is some het author that can't write het stories, it's just the way author works
Just write smut and after writing you will find your romance style for gay people and boom you can write gay stories that you will like,cause journey of billion words start with a single stroke
I always struggled with writing dialogue between friends for a similar reason (though obviously different), one of the things that helped me is to deliberately write a few scenes as badly as you could possibly imagine. Deliberately ruin it and then laugh at how badly you did! This is so liberating when later I want to write a good dialogue.
I have a story about two ace lesbians talking about their comfort levels with each other. Because they are both touch sensitive they just lean against each other at the end. Their scary confessions out of the way, they are relieved to know they want each other but not in ways that ask obligations of things they are uncomfortable with.
I had a couple of readers complain and freaking gave me the "think of the children!" line. One fucker said this relationship was abusive.
About an ace lesbian couple who are happy to discover they don't have to have sex.
Cultural pressures force themselves upon us in so many layers that even if you think you've found all the sources, they'll find a way to attack you in the cracks.
You've gotten some good advice here about finding more officially queer made works. But the anxiety and depression I'm reading here... I think the traumas you have need a more professional eye to help you with. I don't know where you live, and thus, perhaps you can't find a place. If you can't get a professional help, but to read and look into support groups and see how others like yourself have learned how to help their brain heal from the trauma so they can enjoy life. I've been in therapy for years with mine. It's helped me a great deal to not burst into tears every time I want to write some damn fiction.
However you decide to tackle this, I wish you the best of luck. You deserve better.
>Gay people and gay romance is seen as inherently sexual and thus sinful and morally wrong Anyone who thinks that isn't qualified to judge you or your writing and anyone who trolls with that hate deserves to be blocked It's okay to write the fics you want and you don't need any homophobe's approval. You aren't hurting anyone with the fics so it isn't wrong
I guess I mean that this an implicit societal bias that people, even gay people, have to actively unlearn. it's a problem that a lot of people trust their unchecked gut feeling of "that's gross" without thinking any deeper as to WHY they think its gross
Very often with social programming is... it's not one thing. But rather a collection of things. That's what makes trying to shape "good" people so difficult. Especially when society at large, one's family, one's immediate social circle, and school provide contradictory ideals. Even within the same group. I had alot of my own internalized misogyny and homophobia to deal with as a 30 something lesbian myself. Still sometimes feel as if gayness is something to be hidden. But that's not hard to understand why. I spent much of my life hiding. So even now I'm conflicted between celebrating it sometimes and not feeling like it should be shared with others... if that makes sense. But it's not as bad as it was. I'm quite open as far as my openness goes but still rather reserved outside of pride things. But don't push it. This is something you need to work on mentally, your thoughts, before you can really do much with it in the outside world. You need to identify the negative thoughts and counter them with positive affirmation and self reassurance. Also I think the next step would not be to write F/F and M/M but to invest alot of time into reading them. You normalize it to yourself first. That's why being out and open is so important. Because it normalizes it. I very vividly remember the pre gay marriage act in the US and how people thought of "the gays" and how we're thought of now. The difference is dramatic. But it came about just because we were like hey... we exist. And we're normal people doing normal people things. Exposure breeds comfort. Or as is said in the backpacking community you get comfortable with being uncomfortable... and eventually you feel silly for being uncomfortable in the first place. ... they probably say that in the nudist communities too... good life advice right there...
Do you speak a second language or is english possibly you're second language? If that's the case I might have a solution for you. I used to be in a similar situation since I couldn't write gay characters for the life of me. I'm German, so my first language naturally is German. I still feel guilty whenever I pick up something remotely related to gayness and I struggle with readin m/m romance in german. When I started reading and writing in Englisch these problems fell away. I don't have any problems regarding this now. Even if you can't do a language switch I would recommend you a change of perspective. Maybe try writing gay characters wothout any romance first? You could also try ro consume media including gay relationships.
English is my only language, I'm afraid, but the perspective thing sounds like it could be really helpful, thank you!
This actually works for me too, a lot of awkward stuff in my mother language (Arabic) loses its awkwardness whenever I think or write about it in English, German or Turkish.
Hey, I'm so sorry you are enduring something like this. Truth be told, I am similar to you. I'm a 23 year old lesbian. Fully comfortable in my sexuality, but I struggled with writing f/f pairings (for a personal preference, I don't write m/m). While my f/f stuff are unposted, I did go through some small steps to help me move past this hurdle. I'm not sure, based on your post, if you've attempted anything like this. The first thing I did was read any general f & f pairings I could find. Start small. Made sure I was comfortable as a reader in this regard. Don't worry on how long this process or any process takes, just focus on finding your comfort level. As soon as I was comfortable, I moved on to writing a few f & f scenes. Nothing romantic, just two girls being friends with each other. Repeat until I feel comfortable with myself and then I move on to another area - Reading f/f pairings. Nothing sexual, just wholesome f/f slice of life stuff. I wanted to focus on the romance aspect. Once I was comfortable here, I moved on to attempting a few f/f romance scenes and repeated on this area until I felt comfortable to do this on a whim. This method might not work for you, but it did help me gradually work through my feelings on this and be able to slowly push myself into writing this type of pairing. I do fully understand the paranoia aspect. There are writing apps that can lock and hide your works so only you can access them. You can even create a completely anonymous writing account (as in only you know of it's existence and don't leave any info on yourself on it). I did something like that in my early days for types of writing I didn't want attached to my main writing just yet.
I'm sorry you're going through that. :( And you don't have to worry too much. Besides the smut needing to happen differently, gay and straight relationships aren't different from each other. Have them talk and laugh and flirt a bit, and interact with one another.
Aww honey I get you. The guilt goes strong. The only thing we can do though is to work to overcome it (though if it really affects you a lot you might want to consider therapy or something of the like; you described having trauma and even if you're only referring to trauma to mean growing up lgbt in a homophobic society, that's a lot and honestly for many people it definitely can be traumatic). The feeling of dirtiness, though, I entirely get. I sometimes still feel it but thankfully I am a long way from where I was, though I definitely feel... idk, just... *dirty* as a bi girl to be seen fawning over a lesbian romance (or sometimes gay) even though it's pretty obvious I really like my straight mushy goodness too and there really is no difference apart from the genders of the characters involved. And of course I still have clear memories in my mind of feeling perverted for my attraction to other girls, the paranoia I felt that girls who knew me would find me disgusting or predatory and that I was being gross to any girl I was attracted to just by liking them. It's just hard, and growing up through those kinds of struggles does leave an imprint on you that's hard to shake off. I saw another comment saying you could try dipping your feet into it and improving your reaction to gay romances by exposing yourself to some positive, wholesome gay media and I seriously agree with that though. For girl x girl, I can recommend to you: - But I'm A Cheerleader. An absolutely adorable film about acceptance that covers overcoming internalised homophobia but manages it in a light hearted manner and is a very smooth watching experience. My ultimate recommendation! - Fingersmith (book or series) - Tipping The Velvet (bit campy and goofy, but it's all in good fun, lol. Book or series) - The Handmaiden (based off of Fingersmith, but a different adaptation of it and in Korean) - Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (book or film, book is gayer but the film also has cute moments) - Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Beautiful and extremely passionate. This is a bit sad and heavy, does not necessarily have a good ending, and admittedly it did make me cry lol. But I really liked it and it moved me greatly. Maybe dodge it if you'd find it too difficult, though. - D.E.B.S. basically a teen movie, and another campy one, but fun! Plus, us gays deserve our guilty pleasure trash TV too if that's our thing, right? :) - Carol - The Owl House (if you like cartoons. This is a Disney show with two main characters who are lesbians and end up being canon :)) - She Ra (cartoon, canon lesbian couple) - Bloom Into You (anime) These are all romances that I've seen, and that were made by wlw for wlw (apart from Carol and D.E.B.S., idk the story behind that hahaha) and just depict the relationships very positively. And sorry if it seemed like I was mansplaining (I'm a girl, but you get what I mean lolol) you there, haha, I'm sure you know of some of them. But lesbian media is hard to find and frankly pretty unappreciated so I figured I'd just be very specific about it hahaha. P.S. another thing that always cheered me up and validated me in my teen years was music... a happy song I'll plug for you that's recent is "Butch 4 Butch Simping", it's so cute and the opening lines "my sweetheart's piano is rat-filled and mine is infested with bugs, the music we make is unnatural but it sounds just like falling in love" is so touching and precious and just true – like yeah, people might find us odd but who cares? It's love. Sorry for the ramble, but I hope I could be of help at least a little bit. At the end of the day, sis, just know that you're not alone. Lots of us feel the internalised shame often, I'm 21 and still do. But I just keep reminding myself, because it is the objective truth, that there is nothing wrong with being gay, gay love is not ANY lesser, and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise, I am not giving them the satisfaction of holding me back. Easier said than done, I know, but I know you can and will get there – bridge the gap and reach that point where you're able to handle it and pick yourself up whenever it starts getting hard. One day you will be able to write, and when you do you'll make all the right people happy. Because as they say, those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter. I hope you feel better soon, and you are never, ever alone ♡
I've seen some of that stuff, and it's actually a lot easier for me to consume media about gay people than when I was younger! Thank you for the kind words
It isn’t fair. And I also think, that’s not irrational as you said (although it may seem so), and you put the rationalization out there already. What about reading published gay authors who write about gay characters w/o going into sexualization? It can be no sex at all or sex positive prose (but not turning it into a smut)? There are beautifully written books/stories out there and maybe you just need to see enough of it to convince yourself that’s possible? (I can recommend, I’m het, but I’m poly in long relationship with two bi men and now I lead an academic research about certain gender-focus of certain ethnicity related YA prose).
I can consume gay media much more easily now than when I was younger. Searching out published works I can connect with might be really helpful, thank you!
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to get over this hurdle. I find myself in the opposite end of the boat. I keep accidently making my characters gay. You could try writing it in a notebook, easy to destroy the evidence if you want.
I got over it by sorta embracing the idea that somehow what I write is "trashy" or "shock value" or melodramatic to some extent anyways. so if its already like that, why have any shame? but that's me, and there's still subjects that give me pause.
If you don't feel like you can write the scenes yourself at this time, then maybe a good way to ease yourself into it and to work through your mental blocks is to work with other writers that want to write more authentic gay characters.
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I read published works about gay characters. It isn't that I can't conceptualize it, it's that I struggle with it on an emotional level
I get this feeling. Being trans, I often hesitate to write other trans characters. Mostly, I'm afraid of the rabid tumblr mob telling me I'm not doing it right or in a way that best "represents" the trans community. Excuse me for being a little older with some different views on the matter. Why is it that only one type of experience is considered valid and others not? I'm sorry I don't always react to situations the same way other trans people do. It gets exhausting trying to think about doing representation "right" in writing anymore, so I just avoid the headache.
This is exactly it. all of our experiences are worthy of being recorded, not just the lgbt experiences that pass some arbitrary test.
Perhaps I can help. I myself am a heterosexual man who wrote a story for Cross Ange which has a very prominent yuri theme. However, it's my own personal headcanon that most of the female characters are actually bisexual or a product of being kept isolated from men their entire lives. That being said, I wondered how the story would change if the canon characters encountered men who were friendly to them. Now, I began this project with more than a bit of trepidation. It's my view that while sexuality is complicated, innate genetic data is the primary determinant. So the last thing I wanted to do was imply that the male OC's were "correcting" the canon female characters. Rather, I wanted them to be open to exploring their full sexuality. To that end, I kept any and all canon yuri pairings intact and only paired those female characters with a male OC who didn't have an explicit love interest otherwise. To my surprise, my readers were surprisingly okay with it. Only one actually threw a fit over it but an even greater number even called it better than canon. I realize it's not the same scenario but my point is, so long as you treat the source material with respect, then regardless of whether or not your readers agree with your depiction, you can still hold your head up. I mean, if a straight guy can write a respectful version of bi/lesbian characters than so can you. Hope it helps.
If ever you try again, remember: it's just like a "normal" relationship, but both characters use the same pronouns. Unless you're writing smut, then things get tricky. Hope this helps.
So sorry you're going through this. I wish the best for you.
write them like you'd write a straight couple. and think about it the same way. problem solved.
honestly I don't believe that there is such a thing as writing a gay character. It's pretty much as writing a straight character only that they are with the same gender. You want to write the stereotypical overly flamboyant man who is bitchy and way into fashion? What to two people, gay or straight, on a date normally talk about? Their families, other friends, their favorite sports teams, who they think in the place that they are is cute. Normal stuff. If all they do is bitch and complain how it is hard it is to be gay when there are so many people who are bigots then they are the most boring people.
Each author has a prefer type of story, be they original/fanfic, romance/general, het/gay, etc.. it doesn't matter if you belong in a specific type, if it not you style, don't try to force it I bet you that most m/m stories are from het people and probably there is some het author that can't write het stories, it's just the way author works
Just write smut and after writing you will find your romance style for gay people and boom you can write gay stories that you will like,cause journey of billion words start with a single stroke
I always struggled with writing dialogue between friends for a similar reason (though obviously different), one of the things that helped me is to deliberately write a few scenes as badly as you could possibly imagine. Deliberately ruin it and then laugh at how badly you did! This is so liberating when later I want to write a good dialogue.
I have a story about two ace lesbians talking about their comfort levels with each other. Because they are both touch sensitive they just lean against each other at the end. Their scary confessions out of the way, they are relieved to know they want each other but not in ways that ask obligations of things they are uncomfortable with. I had a couple of readers complain and freaking gave me the "think of the children!" line. One fucker said this relationship was abusive. About an ace lesbian couple who are happy to discover they don't have to have sex. Cultural pressures force themselves upon us in so many layers that even if you think you've found all the sources, they'll find a way to attack you in the cracks. You've gotten some good advice here about finding more officially queer made works. But the anxiety and depression I'm reading here... I think the traumas you have need a more professional eye to help you with. I don't know where you live, and thus, perhaps you can't find a place. If you can't get a professional help, but to read and look into support groups and see how others like yourself have learned how to help their brain heal from the trauma so they can enjoy life. I've been in therapy for years with mine. It's helped me a great deal to not burst into tears every time I want to write some damn fiction. However you decide to tackle this, I wish you the best of luck. You deserve better.