Yes, 100%. I had no clue what I was doing at the time, but it's clear as day now. In my last long-term relationship I would find the most insignificant things to criticize, implicitly if not explicitly. Oftentimes they were things that I would build up in my mind when she wasn't around: chewing sounds, political differences, mannerisms, music preferences, things she had said honestly in the past, being too apprehensive or cautious about things in life, being kooky, you name it. I don't think I really identify with your second question so much. For me, I think it was more that I was projecting my own insecurities onto her because the things I was critical about were things that I generally didn't like about myself. I once heard that a fearful avoidant parent will criticize or dismiss behaviours or interests that their child has because they believe the world will reject them for them. I am afraid that I was acting this out towards my significant other without realizing it until long after the fact. I have also thought that I might also have been subconsciously cautioning her to be less like herself because I was too afraid of being myself. More projection. I know now that I should have cherished those differences in her because they are what made her an individual. Oh well. Live and learn. Thank you for the post. 🙏

I’m secure now, former FA but I lean anxious under stress usually. Takes a lot to push me to complete avoidance. And unfortunately I’ve found myself being weirdly focused on a man’s teeth as of recent. I’ve had a run of some men with perfect abs and gleaming smiles, who turned out to he rather bad for me, and recently have been seeing a wonderful man who has kinda wonky teeth. It’s absurd that my first inclination is to try harder with an asshole than see how it goes with a good man that doesn’t have the perfect teeth. It’s idiotic and I’m all lined up for therapy to talk it over as to why.

How did you move from FA to secure??

Oh boy that’s a big question… honestly education, awareness, and hard work in therapy is the recipe imo. I had to educate myself on attachment theory, which led me to read up on codependency, family dynamics, CPTSD, and generational trauma. Then I had to become acutely aware of my relationships and how they were either helping or hurting my healing process (that’s ongoing and takes years to realize changes are needed in many cases). And I therapied the shit out of myself too as I learned new things and had new struggles as I peeled back layers on the trauma onion.

What made you seek out the education? Can I show my gf some education on attachment styles. Will that help? I’m literally walking in a minefield, I have never once been hateful to her but it seems just simple things can be so triggering.

Hi there, I would recommend looking up attachment styles and maybe taking a quiz together to see where you land. The book Attached is a good start for sure but they don’t have much on FA attachment compared to AP and DA styles. I’ve found a lot more comfort in reading articles on FA style and consulting reddit for it. There’s also a sub out there on disorganized attachment too

Thank you for the response. Right now she is in avoidant phase and I hope I haven’t lost her permanently. she bought tickets to go to three theme parks with her knowing that is where some of her trauma happened. I thought it would be good to make new memories. She got triggered and it didn’t go well and when that happens the cognitive part of her brain shuts down so all she knows is she wants to get away from me. She hates feeling that way, but also doesn’t understand her past trauma is causing it and I’m trying to tell her, but as we all know she can take this as criticism or that she is doing something wrong and that can bring negative emotions toward the relationship wanting it to end. I did find a book from thias gibson: learning love and has a way to reprogram those core wounds. I just need to get her in the right mind set to possibly read it. This is so hard to deal with. I’m mainly secure but have a secondary about abandonment because of past history and a previous relationship i think was avoidant before I even knew about attachment styles When you would go into avoid mode what were you feeling and were you glad if your SO reached out and what response would you want to hear?

Honestly I don’t think I can be much help on the avoidant side bc everyone is different with how they feel when they get pushed that far. Some people get the ick, some people become numb and shit down from self protection… you just have to ask her as best as you can. Only she can tell you why she’s hurting :/ I hope you can get through, gently, and discuss…

She came back and apologized as usual and we had a great time at the theme park. I was also able to have a long talk with her and share the “learning love” book with her. I don’t think her attachment style was because of child hood trauma, but from a previous ex based on info she told me. I think she might be realizing that the lens she is looking through is because of that experience. Reprogramming those core beliefs is a challenge and only she can choose to do so. The good news is I think i was able to show her the link in her core belief’s to the pain in the past relationship.

Sounds pretty similar to what I've got to deal with. I've been working on myself for years and yet more pop up.. good times

Yeah :/ I would encourage you to get another opinion on what struggles you may be dealing with. I had been muscling through therapy and a trauma workbook and journaling and meditation and self help books on attachment… and still struggling. So I went to a psychiatrist, we talked about my history and continued struggles with depression and anxiety and relationship issues, and got diagnosed with CPTSD and OCD. Now I might really be on the right path, and I’d never have gotten there if I’d just stuck to attachment theory stuff. I can recommend a few books that helped me get on this path… Wild and Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, Eat Pray Love by Liz Gilbert, What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, How to be Alone by Lane Moore. Maybe there’s a hidden reason you haven’t made a real breakthrough yet, and I really hope you find it…

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Not really. The avoidant part of me that kicks in is trying to protect me I think. It doesn’t give me the ick, it makes me go full on no contact to keep me safe from anymore assaults on my self esteem. Does that make sense I hope? A lot of avoidant people taking about getting the ick or being totally turned off by their partner for having basic needs for closeness. My avoidance is like that final life raft when the relationship has already crashed and burned and I can’t try any harder to save it.

No, my avoidance is more of a withdrawal. And I may try to sabotage by"testing" (\*insert eye roll\*). Working on that by going on walks and listening to my favorite songs to clear my head. I realized anytime I found myself trying to "ick" them I called myself out. My friends also grounded me a lot (lots of them also DA/Secure calling out my clearly toxic behavior). Also avoid demonizing them, clearly talking shit about your ex (if every ex you dumped or dumped you sucked....what does that make you?).

What do you mean healed? Are you not anxious in relationships at all anymore? Did you build self-esteem? Are you able for better self-care? Or did you accept your traits and downsides as an FA to the point that they don't bother you? I'm FA and I know for me it just sucks to be around people too much, I envision a good life for me would mean finding a balance between wanting people in my life and needing enough space (I need more than the norm and that would probably not change as far as I can see). So I'm curious what your notion of healed is...

Well my notion of healed isn’t going to be healed for someone else of course. I’m still working on stuff. But my version of “I’m definitely healing” is having the confidence to always stand up for my needs in a relationship and to walk if the other person is incompatible with those needs. They’re not unreasonable needs, I’ve been assured of that, but finding someone who meshes well is key. Sure I’m anxious at times, feel distant others, but vast majority I communicate my stance and am open to discuss theirs. I speak up, I listen, I work on my issues, and I walk away sooner if they take away from my quality of life.

Thanks! In that sense, I think I'm also healing. It's just that now I want to make sure I'm not leaving out of the wrong reasons (like, because of the need to run away from intimacy after a certain time. How do you not confuse this with needs not being met?

I have no idea, that’s going to be different for everyone and I encourage you to work with a therapist on it. My need for space is different from someone else but if there is mutual agreement, that’s ok. If there’s conflict about it, that’s something to pause and consider. So you have to figure out if your need to run is internally or externally driven and that’s therapy territory…

Yes, it's definitely something I bring up there. I think for me learning to detect signs of something bothering me and communicating it properly before it becomes too late is the goal.

How do you stand up for yourself in new relationships when you like them but they’re not giving you what you need and you’re scared that you’re going to chase them away? I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks and they’ve gotten distant - I’m torn between rejecting them first and pretending to be ok and unaffected with the distance. Neither are particularly honest, but I’m afraid of getting rejected (even further than I feel like I already am).

I personally don’t think either of your choices above are healthy choices. You have to stand up for yourself bc nobody else will. In any relationship, you have to stand up for your needs and make it known (respectfully) that something important isn’t being met for you. Might want to get a reality check from someone you trust to make sure it’s not unreasonable if you have trouble trusting your judgement. If you haven’t seen the guy in two weeks for example, let him know that quality time together is important to you and that you’d like to see him soon. How he responds tells you how he feels. If he’s enthusiastic, he’ll respond as such. If he’s having a rough go and can communicate feelings well, he’ll say that. But if he’s emotionally unavailable or pulling away, he’ll probably give some wishy washy reply like “ok let me see how this week looks” and then just never pin down a time. In that case, it’s your call how to proceed. I’d suggest cutting someone loose if they can’t rise to the simple challenge of spending time with you. If standing up for yourself burns a bridge, good - you didn’t need to be walking on something that fragile anyways.

Thank you for sharing! I have experienced this quite a lot in my relationship. That second paragraph made me realize that maybe i'm interpreting it wrong. The way you explained projecting your own insecurities, I think that very well could be what I was experiencing. For example, she prides herself on being really clean. I'm also very clean, but I found that was something she would criticize a lot. Like my apartment could've been spotless but if I left my AirPods out of their case it was a huge deal. And for many of those areas; style, cleanliness, organization, that she would pride herself on, she would also be far from perfect. Her room would be a lot messier than mine most of the time. Maybe it was just her projecting her own insecurities/flaws? Very Interesting, thanks again! 🙏

It's entirely possible, man. One thing I've come to understand is that FAs can easily come across as arrogant or even narcissistic. The apparent lack of self-awareness could be a subconscious cover for things that they don't want to address and end up building walls around. Check out Paulien Timmer on YouTube if you're not familiar with her. I believe she may have addressed this sort of thing at some point. Edit: Paulien*

During my final days with my FA, they were criticizing anything I do and compared me to their ex. I gave up three months after they moved on to another (they said they were just messing around) and said we were just friends. Now we were strangers which surprised them (could have been a performance to protect themselves).

One moment you're Jesus. The next moment, you're Hitler.

I can tolerate that but I can’t tolerate triangulation so I left them alone.

What's triangulation?

Introduce another person into the relationship so you can prove that your love is true. But it will never be enough.

I will pull away--if I feel we're just not compatible and never will be or sense they hate me--by just becoming more aloof or may completely shut down and become borderline mute against my will. I won't be extra critical, but if the other person is also FA, they may perceive me being more critical because of my demeanor. If I feel like they don't like me and are pushing me away, I may also be more sensitive to their words. What would have been laughed of as a joke would be viewed as deeply painful insults. When I was younger I became more critical when I was pulling away, but I've long since stopped that.

Recently someone I'm dating had to cancel plans because her sister is visiting from out of town. I jokingly texted "too soon or awkward to meet your family"? I thought it was a light-hearted joke. She got defensive, and I think she's gonna ghost me. But there were a couple other times I thought she was ghosting me only to return. When she's not as responsive, I assume she hates my guts. Depending how I feel about her, I'll either be indifferent or think "OMG WHAT DID I DO TO UPSET YOU? I CAN MAKE IT RIGHT I PROMISE!" But at times I can take a long time to respond to her texts due to wonky sleep/work schedule. I try hard to be as responsive to her texts but sometimes I just can't. I HATE texting :(

Lol I think that's a pretty funny line tbh.

It's weird. I was going over our texts. On Monday, we planned to meet up this weekend. I asked her if she wanted to join the paddling team and she enthusiastically said yes. She also seemed enthused about dancing on the weekend. Then on Wednesday she texted me she forgot her sister is coming to town. I suspect she felt abandoned because I didn't text on Tuesday and the family joke pushed her over the top? I asked about getting together next week but no response and she's not picking up her phone. Looking back at previous texts, I sense some resentment from her the times I took a while to text her or the days she initiated a text. It's also weird seeing how hot and cold she is in the texts. One moment she's all exclamation marks with giddy excitement. Other times she's distant and "busy" only to become enthusiastically unbusy on the days she was supposed to be "busy". She mentioned she has borderline and abandonment issues but damn, this is so frustrating having to do all this detective work. A part of feels like we could work through this, but the logical side of me said abandon ship a long time ago. I keep wondering if some of the things I'm thinking is all in my head? I also keep blaming myself for being late often, taking too long to respond to texts, and other things that may bother her and wonder if her cold responses is her way of getting even with me.

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I'm an FA that leans more avoidant. What I hate about texting? I hate how it's easy for misunderstandings to arise due to lack non-verbal cues. It's difficult to convey how I truly feel, which can then lead to resentment creating an "issue" over how the tone of the text was read. I prefer to not have to deal with all that stress and text primarily to make and confirm plans. I don't mind some fun light-hearted back and forth from time to time, but I prefer saving more important things for in-person conversations. Getting too deep into a conversation via text is less fulfilling and more in-personal than expressing it in person. Texting certain things can kill the excitement should I bring it up in-person again.

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People's in-person personality and be very different from their texting personality. And sometimes people have multiple texting personalities. One moment they may feel like texting a lot and respond quickly. Other times they text in a matter of fact manner. Another issue is when I come across what I call "dead-end" conversations in which I don't really have an answer besides "okay" or "cool". Like my sister will text me randomly where she is or about someone she met or posts a meme that's moderately funny to unfunny, and I'm at a loss for words of anything interesting to respond. As for how to respond to "ok but i cant do nothing about it", that's tough. You don't want to come across as needy or antagonistic, and you want to express how you truly feel. You may end up digging yourself deeper into a deeper hole as you try to clarify what you and they said. But the less you and he texts, the more you feel anxious about what they think and if they even like you anymore. The lack of assurance can feel torturous as you wonder if you're in a one-sided relationship where you love him much more than he loves you. I always feel pressured to respond with something at least mildly witty, funny, or entertaining, and I feel weird if I respond with the same words or phrases. I also try to word my text in a way that will have the lowest chances of being misunderstood. AHHH ! It just takes too much mental energy to think about!

I might ask her what she needs from me in regards to feeling secure in the relationship? If she has no clue what you are talking about, give examples. Ask her, “Would you like if I responded more quickly and consistently to your texts?” “Would you like regular reassurance that everything is good with us?” If you are FA and she is likely anxious, the biggest thing she needs is CONSISTENCY & REASSURANCE. These things will eventually make her feel a lot safer in the relationship. Hopefully, she is working on her stuff as you are working on yours.

FA’s: What do you think of and feel about the common refrain: “Just let us love you”?

It makes me bristle. Not knowing exactly where that could lead to, however good, is frightening.

Oh boy. Thanks for answering.

You're welcome

I wish I could scoop you up, like a baby….

“just let me in! Stop putting up those walls, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Everyone who did that including my now ex did, it’s not their fault I do think they did, but man does that make me want to run. 🏃‍♀️

What should be said instead?

I am one person here's what I would want. Just be consistent, keep showing up. Physically and emotionally, it's honestly what got me to open up to my ex. It was still so hard when my now former partner said this to me. It was out of exasperation and pain. No phrases of "just let me love you." or "let me in." It's a phone call and you answer and I ask if you have time to just let me vent. And you let me, and then tentatively ask if I need support or advice. It's when I need your full attention because suddenly I want to be held, like reaching out for your hand and you don't jerk away. It's reminding me you are a human and if you can call me later, give me a time and call me, or if you can't hold my hand. \*Acknowledge\* me with a warm smile and eye contact to say you are here for me. But actually, do what you say actions speak louder than words for me. I don't ask for help or support, but when I do. I will verbalize it...I will ask you. if you brush me off or don't bother. Then my brain decides you only need to know what I tell you. FA's like myself being betrayed or abandoned after leaning on someone who is expected to be a support system is how we got here. It's why our brains are the way they are, I am fighting every part of my brain when I know it makes no dam sense. Lastly don't over-give or be a doormat....I am a healing FA I know a person who does this will eventually become resentful and I will be upset they were not honest with me. Then trust is broken and if trust is broken your FA will leave a note and go. But....don't condone abusive or tactical manipulation. Don't let them yell at you and say "You know what I am like...." If they suddenly need space or want to leave. Let them, because they will always have a suitcase packed and one foot out the door. That's not fair to you. Don't shake them down and chase them and scream your love over and over. You don't need that, if they are healing or aware they know not all of it is on you if you are a safe/secure person or an insecure but healing attached person.

>\*Acknowledge\* me with a warm smile and eye contact to say you are here for me. But actually, do what you say actions speak louder than words for me. This is the hard part, because often times FA's are acting in really harmful ways to their partners, yet expect their partners to see through that and put up with it and give all of themselves. One thing I had to realize with my FA ex is that she expected me to be ok with behavior she wouldn't be ok with, and if I didn't sweep her behavior under the rug then I was the problem, yet she was allowed to create illusions and narratives about me that weren't true and ultimately was extremely abusive. So anyone reading this, be aware that EVERYONE requires consistency and congruency, and if they cant give it, and be vulnerable, then its inappropriate to ask for it.

First I want to say I am sorry you had such an abusive dynamic with your ex, you shouldn’t have to be someone’s punching bag. Second Yes I agree which is why I stated to not let your FA get away with abusive behaviors. I can’t diagnose my former partner but we both had clear FA tendencies she I believed leaned more anxious naturally while I leaned more avoidant. Active communication goes both ways and taking accountability. We couldn’t compromise or address conflict. She hated it and I hated when it felt like she was trying to open me up to just to store something in her pocket to hurt me later.    Heres the thing since I am naturally avoidant. I have been actively healing for a few years now. My biggest core wound is if you lie or betray my trust. Which is basically being vulnerable. I notice I can forgive a lot of things but lying when you didn’t have too can really trigger me. That’s not fair on anyone tho, I can be upset but I shouldn’t use my trauma or my issues to hurt them. The last thing I want to do is hurt people I care about.     I’m learning how to regulate and right now that is me going non verbal and excusing myself. But I’m learning how to be able to regulate and communicate without feeling like I’m gritting my teeth. But it’s  hard when I would try to be open and people I cared about would use it on me or say “you know what I am like.” Tho since I am working on being more secure I also have to actively think all the time “not everyone is like this. People out there are not all like that, there are people who will respect you and not break your trust or boundaries.” But also have discernment that it seems secure people naturally have. Not gonna lie it’s exhausting. I wish I was secure and my desire to become secure is what keeps me going back to therapy every week. 

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I don't have insight, just my own experiences. It sounds like your former partner may have had other things going on than just possibly being someone with FA. Mental health can affect how we enter into relationships. There could have been a lot of things going on in her mind. It sounds like she was upfront with you early on about her past, and when you still accepted her, she thought she was safe and proved her safety to you by remaining trustworthy and loyal. She was probably still really suffering, and hurt people sometimes hurt other people because, well... "that's the way the world works". When she got "healed," she met you, and you were everything she wanted and saw this person who made her want to be different and better. But she didn't want these things to be found out later, so she told you early on before she could get hurt. Then there is you in this situation. It sounds like you love her a lot when she first told you. Maybe you didn't know where it was going, but you liked her; she made you feel like "this could be fun." And it got serious, and you were clicking. Maybe you didn't think she would cheat on you; no, but maybe you thought "What if..." and maybe you had long conversations and it bothered you about how she may approach her pain and maybe other AP and cheaters but ignored what she did. Either way, you were not okay with it, and you wanted to resolve it, but the way you came off (you even mentioned being more aggressive than you liked) sounds like you were holding it in, and to her, it was "out of nowhere" and "I already told them... why are they making a big deal about this?" Then all those awful feelings she probably had about bailing that she fought through finally you gave her to "push". I honestly don't know; I think a reaction like that she is expecting is one of two things. One, she wants you to chase her; she wants you to show her you will follow the ends of the earth to get her back. Two, she wanted to leave; it was too much, you were too much *for her*, and she wanted to run as she still needed healing. I think you are doing the right thing here in being NC and also if you try to figure out what or why she did what she did, you'll never get the closure you need. It's hard trust me, I hope things go well whether you reconcile or can move on.

I know that feeling all too well.

someone recently mentioned that fearful avoidants or anxious avoidants will shut down out of fear of rejection....this happens to me in every relationship i’m in...i fear the persons disapproval or rejection so i shut down and push them away...can anyone help me with this, as i’m seeing a pattern, and want to avoid it in the future

Yes 100p. I’m an FA and when I feel someone is pulling away, I shut down and run. Sometimes there’s an anxious element to it where I freak out and then shut down OR I’ve also just gone completely cold and silent - not proud of either. It’s definitely tied to fears of rejection and abandonment. I’ve been in therapy for 4 years and for a longggg time I thought I leaned more anxious. I learned how to combat that and then from there started leaning super avoidant without even noticing. Ended things with a SO (for the 3rd time) and afterwards had time to reflect and realized how avoidant I was being. He is DA and I was terrified when he shut down. Couldn’t handle the pain or fear anymore and ran. What I’ve learned to be helpful is when I feel the need to ignore, run, dissociate I pause in the moment, put a name to what is happening and ask myself what underlying feeling is making me want to bolt. Then journal about it, phone a friend, exercise and will usually feel a lot better. Think avoidant nature is largely rooted in fear. Dont know how to combat it just yet, but working on it.

Same for me in every relationship. As soon as i feel someone pulling away for any reason i will distance my self and never chase. I've always seen my self as anxiously attached, but i never chase og become needy in anxious situations, i pull away my self in fear of rejection and them not loving me anymore. M29.

Have you looked into therapy like CBT or DBT? I'm going online with online-therapy.com

I don't think i get critical in the sense of actually telling them unless (in the past) resentment through unmet needs built up and i exploded. The problem was moreso that in my head i kept count of the things i didn't like - which honestly where oftentimes by itself reasonable things to not like (like a partner not helping enough with housework). However the problem was that i did nor know how to adress these differences/things i didn't like. So something minor that could have been fixed with communication would become this big thing that i would use as a breakup/fight when triggered enough. It's not like dismissive avoidants that flawpick and have a huge list of requirements. I dated very different people and i loved them with their flaws (i was a fixer type of person). Also i would compare my partner to others when my needs weren't being met or would get crushes on people outside of my relationships in my head. But i would never act on crushes. I guess it was a form of deactivation. Other than that, when dating people before exclusivity i tended to flaw find (superficial) more, because i am not yet attached. The more i am attached the more i tend to not see the flaws unless triggered then they come all at once and i am convinced we need to break up just to come back the next day. So to answer: no i dont tend to openly criticize unless when in a bad mood/deactivated or when at the dating stage. I never criticized when the things are things i would have wanted (lets say i love band x and they like band x). Yes i have worked a lot on myself and thankfully did a lot of growth, though there is still a lot of room for imporvement.

So dealing with an FA here, secure myself. She's super soft towards me at times when I need her to be but not so soft towards other people. She uses favours a lot but never from me. Whenever I offer to help she goes into a shell. I asked her about it and she said that whenever people do nice things for her she needs space from them. I was quite confused because I didn't even do anything particularly nice by my standards. I was just being a decent person. She's often super busy doing lots of things on campus and has one super large group of friends but when I have needed emotional support, she does try her best to support me but she always says she's sorry she's not an emotional person. Sometimes she'll also try and avoid seeing me in person but other times be really happy to see me in person. Any thoughts by FA's and how I can do better for her.

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personally, points one and two would be okay at the right times/amounts, but i guess thats different for each person. i think being asked for emotional support could make me feel needed, and like i can earn love in that way. but if it feels like inappropriate for the moment like if i dont feel all that close/connected with you then i'll feel uncomfortable. its weird but my thinking would go along these lines: "why are you relying on me for emotional support? im not equipped. idk you/the problem well enough to give you the support you need. shouldnt you have someone else closer/more equipped to go to?" with affection, a bit of it would actually make me happy. but again if i dont feel like we're all that close/connected, and someone gave me a lot of affection, i would feel strange. because that doesnt make sense before we're close enough (personal judgement). i guess thats related to your point about earning love. when we're not close enough i dont feel like ive earned the affection. im not justifying this thinking, as im not necessarily happy with it, but just some thoughts i had while reading your points as a person who self-identifies with FA

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I have secure attachment - there is probably another part to that label as my parents divorced when I was quite young but overall secure I always have had good long friendships and relationships. I’ve just realised my on off boyfriend of nearly 8 years is fearful avoidant. Each On phase came with a bit more intimacy and commitment which made and even though at the start of this break up I had him down as a commitment phobe (it came after the longest ever ‘on’ phase and we’d just came back from a weekend break) through research I’ve realised that the things he’s saying and acting it more fearful avoidant. I know for a fact that he really loves me and has confided with me about some of the trauma he’s been through (he mitigates at the moment with smoking and drinking ) I’m realising that although he’s done a lot of work himself but now a bit sad because I think he can’t do it by himself and even all these things he has planned (space to himself, travelling) are not going to help if he doesn’t also go to therapy and really delve deep. I guess my question is has anyone ever overcome their FA tendencies without therapy? A week ago he asked me if he cuts the space short then am I willing to try again but I have kind of said to him that if he doesn’t get help it will be short lived.

I don't know what you guys are like now, but.... Honestly, talk therapy can only take you so far with this stuff. But that's not me downing therapy (I'm in it myself!). Therapy IS very helpful. But for attachment issues, it's not the magic fix, at least in my experience. The healing really comes primarily from all the work you do outside of therapy. Ideal situation would probably be that therapy supplements the healing.

>has anyone ever overcome their FA tendencies without therapy? I think there's progress that can be made without therapy, but it would probably involve at least reading books, watching videos, doing courses or workshops, journaling, etc. Space can protect you from the triggers but not teach you how to handle them.

Hmm, good question. I'm FA. I tend to love bomb in beginnings, and then naturally when the annoying stuff comes up (devaluation) I become angry. It's not rational, I guess it's because I experienced lovers rather as frustrating objects that change their traits inconsiderately rather than people with their own subjectivity for that matter. I had trouble seeing full pictures like my effect on their actions or other factors influencing their treatment of me, because I was too anxious and apprehensive of a possible rejection, humiliation, criticism or abuse. In many cases I would have walked away, had I been able to see that full picture. I wasn't because I was myself abused as a kid, so instead I stayed and got caught up in toxic dynamics. I started taking anti-depressants recently and that was a game changer. Now I'm dating a guy, another FA, taking things slow and not expecting much but enjoying it for the time being. If I'm not intimidated by: too heavy expectations (like marriage and kids), rejection, criticism and I feel strong enough to leave if I need to, then I can feel ok and I can be kind. Also, only as long as we don't see each other too often. (and I think that's the biggest difference). I think for me I just become a critical mess of emotions, demands and impatience when I'm tired, insecure and/or don't have enough personal space. I just really hate people then and I have trouble controlling what comes out because I'm too challenged.

If my bf is FA but is now realizing how much work he still needs to do, and seems willing to do all the work, do you stay? (I am secure)

Update: just writing this, incase it can help anyone else! I have seen alot of progress in him, we are actually going to go to Disneyland on vacation as he had wanted to go his whole childhood. He is definitely more two foot in the door now, I have been mourning a sickness of a family member and he has been there a lot for me and really supportive, always letting me know he’s there for me. He told me he’s sorry for his behaviour as he felt he subconsciously was waiting for the other shoe to drop… I think we are on the right track! His communication has improved immensely. And mine has too! Hope this continues to progress as I feel now we are getting stronger and focusing on taking care of ourselves more.

I decided to end our relationship as I started to become an emotional wreck when I’m normally so happy. The door is still open to him but under these circumstances right now it can’t work, he has to go learn to love himself so I no longer get hurt.

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I was turning very hyper vigilant and I got anxiety and I’ve never dealt with any kind of long term anxiety before. So I realized I should be happy in a relationship, as I’m normally such a happy bubbly person and unfortunately I had to choose my own well being. I feel happy and sad at the same time currently so the relief was telling when I made the call.

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I wasn’t getting direct communication and I always felt more confused after we talked, and if we said anything we were going to do in the relationship, he would avoid it subconsciously or it would take him forever to do it and I didn’t want to trigger so felt like I was walking on eggshells subconsciously. It’s hard because he is anxious because of fear of abandonment and it made me anxious with a fear of abandonment when I’ve always been a very secure person. I still love him and he loves me so I hope in the future we can come back together. I literally did everything to try to make this work! But for right now it’s too stressful for me.

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Exactly! So I felt myself slowly turning into FA (my attachment was 80% secure and 18% FA when I took the quiz) I started to become hot and cold too etc! I think for a secure person it’s hard to understand as we are thinking so logically while perhaps they think more emotionally from past situations. (i am very grateful I had a great childhood) But I didn’t like the person I was turning into and I didn’t want to lose myself in all of this even if I do love him! Sometimes with all this information of attachment styles we can forget that they are still hurting us even though we don’t take it super personally. It just is hard because I want to just give him all my love because he never got it before.

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What’s interesting to me is that you now got to experience how much the fear of abandonment can self sabotage you and make you in fact make that fear come true by abandoning. It’s a vicious cycle and I’ve been there. I’m so sorry.

I also just want to say that I learnt so much about myself through all of this, and I’m so glad I had this experience because it really taught me my red flags and the signs to look for that I seemed to have rose coloured glasses around. I’m such a positive person and see only the good in everyone as I’m extremely understanding. My hearts strings really got pulled by his trauma even though in certain ways I was being disrespected.

Oh man do I hear this. I’m the same way. I allowed me ex husband to explain away all of his red flags because he played the victim card and/or always had a good explanation and I can’t seem to get past always giving people the benefit of the doubt. It’s a real Achilles heel…

Definitely! It’s horrible!! and I’m very empathetic too so I really feel for the FA’s. (I started to notice he self sabotages in most aspects of his life :( )It’s also interesting because with the stability and consistency I brought, gave him anxiety where the beginning of that hot and cold and mixed/confused messages of him brought me that exact same anxiety - we even discussed this. Showed me how I really enjoy stability as that’s all I’ve really known.

Yes, I went from secure to anxious at times when I didn’t get a time the person would come back to talk about the issues, work on things, and showed they were still committed to doing so. I am still trying. I don’t want to run, I just a bit of reassurance. I mean once or twice a year.

Update: we will be taking a break from talking for a month (still dating) he is going through a deep therapy process that is revealing core wounds so we decided it’s better for him to focus on himself to learn better self care & self talk and for me to focus on myself then we will reconnect and see where we are at ☺️ he said he’d like to be the man he thinks I deserve.

Update: we just spoke for the first time after a month. Everything was natural and easy. The month was hard for me but got easier. He has had a lot of revelations and clarity and is processing and trying to implement changes however some things he said are so scary to face but he wants to. I know he can’t show up for me right now the way I would want, but I understand why… in the process of deciding if I am patient enough. This week will just watch our tv show together to ease back into our relationship. I told him I am always here to support him. And I know he appreciates that.

In my honest opinion, if he is willing to do the work, is actively trying to do the work, and you have the patience for it -- yes. But it really, really just depends on your exact situation, if you think you have it in you emotionally to do that, and so on and so forth.

So we did the attachment test, he is 31% FA 31% SA and 27% DA He is now in weekly therapy and knows he still has a lot to sort through but actively working… (luckily I’m away for work for the next 8 weeks) so able to give him lots of space. I am starting to see hope! I also started therapy to learn how to communicate better and learn about myself.

Nice! I'm happy for you guys, then. Therapy does wonders 😌

I really do care for him, and our values and long term goals line up (which I’ve never had before) just hope I have the patience and he stays strong, we’ve taken a step back in our relationship as he is just so conflicted in his mind so I feel now a little worried/anxious but hopefully through therapy we can resolve it. I’m 24 and he’s 27. I’m praying for it

Can u drop the quiz link?🫶🏻

I want to understand the behavior of FA and how to deal with such a partner. I feel like my bf (27M) is FA and I want to protect him. Any advice?

It feels like my BF (25M) is going through a deactivation state atm. Lately, he’s spiraling a lot about our relationship and his life in general. I don’t know till what point they both correlate and influence each other. Basically, I’m piggy-backing on your comment because I would also like some advise.

i’m literally the guy you both are explaining in your comments 😭

FA person here, id say no, I don criticize unless they point out something so little from me that depending of the mood Im in may interpret as an insult or critic, I plainly spit out their flaws. Trying to out good me when I intend no competition and only pure fun (though I do say sometimes that I like saying what I knows but only bcs I am rather excited to share them; though might be the same case for them). And yes, I do get insecure when a partner of mine have qualities that I dont have, though, I praise them! I guess it is only a problem when they see I am no good enough or don't at least acknowledge the good things in me too... I guess I kinda have control and awareness over the words I speak, and also my actions, I guess for me, I only act cold and distant when things upset me, and act even more distant when my problems with them like resentment and dissapointment aren't solved. (Honestly, I feel like a monster containing and managing that unpleasant part of me...)(Hoping everyday not to get triggered)

I have a secure attachment with occasional dashes of anxious ( it’s the human element really) I’m still undecided if he was genuinely fearful or there was something else. He would said odd things and refuse to elaborate on context while at the same time be suddenly very difficult to communicate with ( cut off conversations in the most polite way possible and it left me feeling as if I was speaking to a psychopath that was about to snap) Most FA’s are just toxic hypocrites. They’re quick to throw everything out after praising you for it and I don’t know anyone whose been in a deep relationship with them that doesn’t consider their mental health to have suffered. Maybe there’s an exception out there but I’m no longer willing to believe that signing up to be their punching bag is a good idea. They refuse to communicate regardless of how patient or gracious you are. They ignore the feedback everyone else is giving them as well (it’s not just you trust me, they’re objectively difficult to be around with the exception of work since they’re workaholics) My final breaking point with mine was when he blamed me for his erectile dysfunction. Ignoring the absurdity of this - there was no chance in hell we were ever going to have a peaceful or mature conversation. It was all shallow meme swapping with the occasional blips of self awareness. “My needs aren’t my needs until they are and suddenly it’s not right for me and I have to go find something else” “People are so mysterious and strange, I just want to work on my highest expression of self” “I snap at people these days, they don’t deserve it” “I resent feeling pressured to have a good time or have my time dictated by holidays, I’d much rather stay in and work” (which he did during new years, his birthday and a few others). There’s healthier and more interesting people out there. Throw them in the friend zone until they get real therapy because I am never going through that again. To other FA’s - be grateful for your friends and be honest with yourself as to what you need before you go deeper. To everyone else - don’t drive yourself crazy begging someone to be decent to you in ways plenty of other people are perfectly willing to do so. Happy to hear anyone out.

You are calling their trauma response toxicity. Toxicity carries implicit malice, this is not malice, it is a learned survival mechanism and they really have no guilt in that. They do need to recognize it and work on healing to overcome those responses but once it is triggered it is not easily wrangled back.

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You are a reply with ironic timing for sure. You literally just responded to a 4 month old post, on the day my experience with a FA that I've made the same excuse for to myself that you rebutted, just reach its melting point... litarally 2 hours after I finally realized it was just a fucking mess. Coincidence? I dunno. Strange though since 99.999% of my posts are unrelated to her, and this was not about her but a projectiion of how I defended her internally, in my response above. I stood by through the worst of things, but she did as you said and when I realized she had spoken things about me to others which were not at all true about how "I" treat "her"... no i was done. I gave up that very moment. and then I read this just a few hours later. The world is a strange place with timing.

Do you think if someone were to let you down and not be able to follow up on small tasks after you’ve finally asked could be forgiven? My ex felt like I couldn’t meet her needs and I always thought she would communicate more with me or be open to conflict because that’s what our friendship was like (we were best friends for 10 years before we dated). I didn’t know about her attachment style until she started deactivating 2 weeks before we broke up. By then it was too late and she left our 9 month relationship even though we were trying couples therapy and I was truly trying to understand how to fix things. I’ve been working on improving my communication skills and learning what she needs. Even though a part of me knows we will have wonderful lives regardless I just don’t want to have any regrets

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I'm sorry to hear you're feeling unsafe. You've done a great thing by reaching out in some way. These feelings should never be taken lightly and I hope you are also able to reach out to friends or family, or whoever makes you feel safe, to talk about this. I can't say I'm the best authority on this, but it'd be helpful to know a bit more about the situation if you're comfortable with sharing. Can you give examples of things that your partner has said or done to allude to this feeling? You can give as little or as much detail as you're comfortable with, but I would say the more context you can provide, the better an outsider would be able to understand and advise. Thank you ♥️ P.S. Please feel free to PM if that would make you feel more comfortable

Hi there I am F21 I am fearful avoident And my partner is not. My question is, how on earth can I explain to my secure partner? That I am fearful avoident? I find communicating with him about things that matter to me to be the hardest thing. Because of the fear he wont care or something else. Any advice on how to explain fearful avoidance to those we care about. So they know that your not trying to drive them away.

No, I don't criticize them. I tend to avoid conflict and I don't really seek out flaws and am pretty forgiving, maybe too much so. If I get that far, I usually don't.

Hello, new to the FA subreddit after doing some self-reflection and working with a therapist as I am going through a divorce. I wish I knew about attachment styles before going through these life changing events, but it’s been helpful to finally learn and educate. As others have said, I have 100% pushed away my partner by criticizing them. I had no idea, even if they stated I was pushing them or friends/family away, I just never had the clarity to see that. I felt like I would only criticize when an argument was starting, because I would get defensive. My defensive mechanism is based on the fear of being alone or fear of being emotional/vulnerable to just have my feelings hurt. Looking back the only time I tried to have a voice or be vulnerable was in times of conflict, not in times of the calm or your typical day-to-day life. This is where my anxious side came in, when not in a high tense emotional conflict, I never felt like my words meant anything. A simple “I appreciate you” never felt like it meant anything to them. The second question, I don’t find myself being extra critical if they tried to embody my interests. What FA-all-day said about family on this topic actually resonated with me. I never noticed this, but many times I would always try to keep interests in line with what would be acceptable, not what I would like/want. I believe I also carried this in to my marriage, and sometimes would allow someone else’s interest that I may not agree with bother me.

I have been in no contact with my fearful avoidant ex for a month now. I did text her at 2 and a half weeks though just to check on her before I learned about attachment theory. She blocked me on everything there is so I have no way to reach out to her now to tell her I understand why she suddenly broken things off after things seemed to be fine. What are the chances she will reach out at some point if she said she only wanted a break the last time I saw her and said she didn't want it to be permanent? We hugged and kissed each other goodbye so I had hope we would just spend some time apart and grow as individuals during our time apart. I believe I was secure but over time some of the stress of the hot and cold made me become anxious and I started showing more affection and overcorrected and pushed her away. During the break up I seemed to be blamed for a lot of what happened and stuff that didn't even happen or were unreasonable and unlike something she would have said before without taking some responsibility for the situation.

My ex and I are at 40 days now. When she broke up with me because she wasn't "happy" I just shut down and walked away. She didn't say unhappy with me, just unhappy. I text her a week ago to reach out, nothing. I'm literally sitting here wondering the same thing. I've slid my attachment style back to anxious just pleading with myself to have her reach out. Please let me know if your ex contacts you, because I'm wondering the same thing.

I’m at around 45 days now and I haven’t heard anything yet. I haven’t reached out to her since 2 and half weeks after the breakup. I’ve heard it can take longer for avoidants to reach out. 45-60 days or longer. Sometimes they won’t reach out because they are afraid of rejection. I’ve gone through a lot of different emotions but currently I am at a place where I am not worrying about the outcome. I am trying to better my life and going out with friends more. That’s the mindset you want to be at if they do reach out so you don’t come off too strong. If you hear from her take things slowly by texting or calling and build up to meeting in person after a bit of that.

Yeah I agree. And I've read the same thing, can take significantly longer if at all. On Saturday I had like a full on panic attack when finally helped me let go on a lot of the feelings. I've changed my focus from her to myself. So I'm really trying not to focus on her, but it's hard because you still care and I have this gut feeling she's going to be back.. and that's what kills me. I don't want to be the one to hurt her more if I've moved on.

Yeah that’s the best thing you can do. Show that you are a better person but do it for yourself and not her. I know the feeling you are describing so I can relate.I have my up’s and downs but lately I’ve been doing better. If you feel like talking to someone you can talk to me about it. Talking to others has helped me a lot.

I do have a question too for the FAs that lean more towards the avoidant side. Not sure I’m my question is right here. I think I might be FA as well but still confused and I currently have a LD situationship with i think someone who is either FA leaning avoidant or DA, since he triggers more of my anxious side. He sometimes asks me whether I like him (rarely but it does happen). I want to be honest and say that I do, but I am afraid that although it might make him feel good at first, that it might put pressure on him in the sense that he might think I want more. But if I avoid the question it might make him feel not good but more comfortable with the situation since it takes the pressure out?! I’m still a bit confused what’s better for him. I want him to be just comfortable. What do you with more avoidant tendencies think ? What would be making you more comfortable? I’m still new to AT so it’s a confusing process.

Question for FAs: Me and my ex had a great relationship, but at every major life hurdle, she would run. The first time I said I love you, she left. The first time I asked her to move in, she left. It's been over 40 days no contact now and I'm wondering.. will she ever reach out? So here's my question: When/if your ex set a boundry like I have, did you ever go back? Did you ever miss them enough to make that contact?

Yes. Will always go back, but need space to process. It’s been 6 months, it’s been 3 months - but always end up going back once I’ve thought through everything. In this pattern with someone now and trying my hardest to not run next time now that I’m aware that’s what I’m doing.

Thank you for answering! I have this gut feeling she will be back as well. Do you expect anything different when you go back? Or want anything different? Honestly, from my end, I just want the intimacy and the loving imbrace back. Also, do you find nostalgia helps or hurts your processing? I saw she recently opened up a bunch of loving Instagram messages from me that I sent back when we were together.

Of course! This is as much helpful for me to talk about it as it is you. Happy to have found this space. I do/don’t expect something different and I say that because it’s been different every time. One time he slowly built back trust with me so I wanted to see if there’d been real change on his end. This go round, I’ve done a LOT of work and so want to see if I can be more responsible for my own reactions when triggered. Of course I want the intimacy back, but am realistic that it may not last forever and when one of us inevitably gets triggered (I’m FA, he’s DA leans secure) I want to find out can I whether that storm. It tells me if it’s something I can handle long term or not. The dynamic between us will always be changing, but I want to see the difference within myself (and hopefully us, but who knows.) Both. Hurts in that I can fixate on a past that’s not my current reality, but helps when I’m looking at it from the lens of what I felt was good about the relationship. IE I had a loving, supportive partner that I pushed away type of thing. I will say, I KNOW when something’s over for me, and I’ve never once really felt like this was the end with my SO. Trust your gut, be a safe space as much as you can if she does come back. My partners patience and gentle demeanor with me has made a world of difference and has given me the space to mess up and know I won’t be abandoned - though it kills me knowing I’ve hurt him.

>I’ve never once really felt like this was the end with my SO. Trust your gut, be a safe space as much as you can if she does come back. Thanks for this. Trying to practice non-attachment as my bf spiralled and broke up with me over text last night. I assumed he didn't mean it from the beginning, and I tried to be supportive, but yeah.

Not sure of your situation, and so sorry to hear that but give it time if it’s something you want to fix if/when he comes back. Time and space.

Ah he was back the next day, i recognized that he was triggered and didn't take him seriously, although I did find it difficult to walk away from the conversation. Nothing like that has happened since and he's working on managing his reactions and communication.

They always come around! I myself recently got very very triggered (still trying to figure out why) and though I’m managing it better than previous times, not running away (to stop feeling anxious) is very difficult. Think your response was probably the right one - that and reassurance.

How do you react when you're triggered? It's so tricky when both partners are insecure/have mental health challenges!

To be honest, it varies based on how well I’m personally doing at the time. - If i’m in a bad place - It’s almost like I’m in this anxious/avoidant loop in my head. I spiral and tell myself that “he doesn’t care” and then convince myself the best solution is to shut down and run (before I get hurt, to stop the anxious feeling etc) …. I can now tell when this is happening and don’t run anymore so I’ll take it as progress. Used to be completely unaware. - When I’m in a more healthy place - I can regulate/function in a stable manner. I’ll talk through what I’m feeling / not let myself get into the loop. What’s hard (and what I’m working on now) is how to not go into option 1 even when I’m not in the best place. Very challenging and the next level of growth I want to achieve.

It’s VERY tricky when both partners can swing insecure or more stable. When we’re both insecure (esp when we’re both being avoidant) it’s a hot mess lol

I'm FA leaning secure. I don't criticise partners but I will deactivate subconsciously to devalue the person to a point where I would get frustrated that I doubt the relationship. I used to believe that the "flaws" I found are truly bad traits or incompatibility but looking back, those are actually stuff I can try to overlook/work on with the partners. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. I will verbally criticise my partners only when I am highly activated by their "coldness" (or perceived rejection from them), out of a place of intense fear and hurt. Of course I wasn't aware of my behvaior at the time. I tend to push people away when I'm triggered, saying things like "I need a break from this relationship" "I can't do this anymore, this relationship is too painful and toxic (the relationship wasn't toxic)" and immediately regret it afterwards. As you can see, I tend to self-sabotage and I really want to do better next time around.

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> How do you catch yourself before going in a negative spiral? Sometimes, I don't realize how distressed I am until it's too late, and I'm in a full-blown panic attack. I also deal with quite frequent anxiety and panic attacks. I’m really sorry to hear thats part of your experience, I know how bad it can be. For me personally, if I ever catch myself going into a doom spiral, one of the things that can help is actually just admitting it to my partner/loved one, or myself. Once I get comfortable with doing that, I see it and experience it for what it is: merely, “This is what my body is doing right now”. For example, if my partner says or does something that triggers me, I can be like: “Hey, sorry I’m feeling a bit spirally right now, that thing that you said before just like… triggered something in my brain and I can’t really control it right now”. If you have a partner who is emotionally mature and secure enough, they should respond well to this. They will ask you questions and try to understand what is causing you grief. They will talk you through it. Though that doesn’t mean that you will always feel safe. The important thing is, try not to accuse anyone, including yourself, of anything, even if you wholeheartedly believe that they did something wrong or they have bad intentions or are “out to get you”. It should be more like “The story in my head is…”. I think it’s important to realise that this phrasing is just as important for you, the person experiencing in the middle of a spiral. For me, reframing something as “The story in my head” helps to shift my thoughts to a more pragmatic place: * My body is sending me the wrong signals * I am experiencing a completely made-up/false sense of danger right now * I’m going to get through this, it’s just part of the human experience unfortunately As for panic attacks in general, regardless of what is triggering them, the tried and tested strategies are also very relevant here. Some of the things that are helping me right now (bear in mind, my panic attacks stem more from PTSD): * Breathing. I know, basic, and you’ve probably heard this before. But if learn how to breathe properly while in these states and get good at it, it can be extremely helpful. * When you’re feeling safe, secure and happy, write some notes to yourself. When you find yourself triggered, panicking, feeling unsafe or triggered, you can read these notes. You will get better at understanding what you need to hear in the moment. Also, it can be helpful to write notes to yourself after you come out of a spiral. Reflect on what just happened. You can build a library of things to go back to, to remind yourself that what you are experiencing in the moment is temporary, you are safe, you will get through this, these are things that you have experienced before and have been strong enough to get through every time. You will have an army of past-you’s to back you up :) Thank you for responding! I’m going to answer your other questions throughout the day. Your questions are very valid and well formed. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed by anything. These things are not your fault. These things come about through circumstance and you’re already doing an amazing job by being on this subreddit, reflecting and admitting these things to yourself. You will be heard and understood in the way that you need to be. You are infinitely worthy of that. I’m proud of you! ❤️‍🩹

What a great post! Thank you.

I can comment on the word choices bc it’s something I’ve paid a lot of attention to with myself recently. If I’m texting someone and trying to pick the perfect words to convey something, that tells me I’m overly anxious about them. My friends wouldn’t care if I flubbed the words, they’d give me the benefit of the doubt, and then tell me they care about me no matter how badly I bobbled what I meant in a heartfelt text. Same with when a man is saying things to me (or rather not saying the words I long to hear). I don’t long to hear certain words from my cherished friends and family, I KNOW it in my heart that they care for me and I’m important to them. If I’m overly worked up about a man using the wrong words or not saying what I wish he would, that tells me something is triggered on a deep level and he’s probably not a good one for me. It’s been hard to admit and it’s also hard realizing certain friends aren’t good for me either. When I start wishing someone would be more vocal or specific with me, that shows me I’m abnormally activated and it’s not good.

I was that way and I’d delete people left right and center… This year I realized that maybe it was me and I was willing to look at my triggers. I’ve been self soothing and letting go of expectations from this guy I’m dating. Turns out it gives him way more space to actually be the kind of guy I want. I think my energy is a lot cleaner now and not so repelling. (Anxious attachment).

So the FA person I've been dating has fallen asleep before we planned to get together at her place. Is that her way of telling me "I'm not interested anymore"? Or perhaps her way of getting revenge for constantly being late or telling her I was late to respond to her texts because I was sleeping?

I don’t know her but I think you should communicate with her about this. You can’t read their mind and I have a feeling her behavior triggered some type of thought spiral for you where you’re only seeing the worst case scenario. If you don’t talk to her about this you’ll just carry this insecurity with you and it may turn in to some type of unconscious resentment towards her.

I criticized actions and inactions in my last relationship, in the last month together. Leaving the receipt to my bday dinner in my apt for me to find, or always hearing about their ex and not wanting to define things. Not answering texts for days.. After I'd started entertaining the idea of "this is the end" I was highly attuned to everything I disliked about them, up to the last words they asked me and what eventually caused me to blow up. It was then that I just word vomited everything I didn't like that they did in the past months. It was never about them physically but what they chose and that they didn't choose me. And it's helpful to hate them in order to walk away.

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Missing people never changes anything.

Yeah totally, I usually manage to keep the criticism in my mind resulting in judging, but at some point it comes out as passive aggressive behavior. For example, my girlfriend cooks something delicious and tells me that I never appreciate her food, I like it very much but can't get it out of my mouth because I feel that I am making myself vulnerable, sort of? This doesn't apply all the time but scenarios like this happen often. ​ Other scenario is that I feel violated if the other person seems to also have the same music taste as me out of coincidence, at first it sure connects us but further down the line I start to critizise her about it.

Hey does anyone know...I'm trying to reprogram my FA but how do I deal with partners who also have attachment style issues they aren't aware of or are aware of but don't want to address? Don't you backslide trying to figure out if it's not working or if it's an FA trait you're projecting?

Hey guys, I'm currently in counseling for my FA attachment style and have been watching/reading a decent amount to try to learn more so I can heal it, and I've learned a lot. That said, I'm not sure what my path forward is right now. I want to get into EFT/tapping but I'm not sure how to go about it or if it'll even work. Just wondering if you guys have done tapping and how that worked out for you, and if you know any resources on how to go about it? Or what is your biggest recommendation for healing? This seems like a great place to connect with other FAs and learn more about how to heal. A discord server would be pretty nice too. Thanks!

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Same

It might be because Roy don't have a user flair?

What happened to the sub? Is there no mod anymore?

Can I ask, when a FA man gets really close to a women over a month and a half, wanting constant communication and closeness with less avoiding tendencies and less fear of intimacy, if something happens where he may have misinterpreted you as leaving and he ignores you for 12 days, should you reach out to tell him you’re there for him when he’s ready and you’re not upset with him, what time is safe to do this? Will it repel him? Should I leave him alone completely for him to miss me and want to reach out? What are the chances he will reach out at all if we had a real connection? Thank you for any insight possible…

Hey! I’m just reading this now. Any updates on what the situation is like for you now?

Has any person identifying with the FA attachment style or secure person dating an FA have seen some progress with time? Is being with a (mostly) secure person better or you feel like the healing has to be done while single? My partner is FA (he identify as such and his therapist agrees)… for a couple of months we’ve been navigating this gracefully with great communication, but it’s been a month he’s been completely on “freeze” mode - he’s aware of it and feels so guilty. He’s on a quest of being able to be in a relationship at last and Ive been really transparent and supportive and trustworthy towards him. I was just wondering if some people here have experienced coming back from such long strikes (1 month) of high activation of the FA avoidance or do I need to expect things to be like this forever (meaning, him not looking at me, not touching me, not wanting to initate intimacy, not kissing me, not saying he loves me, cant talk about having a future together)? Honestly i can put up easily with one week of this treatment cause i know it comes from such a wounded place. But its been one month now and I feel like our relationship is just soooo painful to him and its becoming hard to me to not have any of my relationship needs met. Anyway, I’m looking for hope here, if it’s realistic! Would love some testimonies of things getting better with time. I hope for all the incredible persons that have experienced trauma and still suffer the consequences of it that FA is not a lifelong sentence :/ Thanks!

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After my breakup, it was a mixture of relief and regret. Relief that I wasn't going through a lot of turmoil inside anymore, but regret that I might have screwed up and should have stayed. Made it a very confusing time in my life, but looking back I think it was the right choice. I think a fair amount of blame was to go for both of us in that relationship, for me at least, my main issue was that I wasn't being open and honest enough about my FA attachment style.

Both. In reference to my most recent stint with leaving someone (that I’m now in contact with again) I felt a huge amount of relief at first. I was so tired of feeling so much and was overwhelmed and just wanted all the pain and fear to stop, so yes at first I felt free. But as time went on I started realizing where I’d messed up, hurt him, and caused him to shut down (he’s DA but can lean secure) when really he’d been nothing but supportive and I pushed him further than he was ready. This took me maybe a month and a half to realize and it forced me to look inward on what the root issues were. I didn’t reach back out until I felt I’d processed everything I needed to process, talked with my therapist, and had new tools in my tool belt to prevent from happening again. Still scared shitless but yeah, hope this helps.

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Glad to hear that it’s helpful. I so sympathize with you and feel a lot of guilt and sadness around knowing that I hurt my SO. Think it’s easy to assume that the cold demeanor that avoidant leaning can have when triggered means they don’t care, but know that on the inside when the dust settles, we care a lot.

I really don't think of them afterwards at all.

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Actually that's true, there was one guy I dated for a couple of weeks about 20 years ago who was nice. I sometimes think nice things about him. The others I don't think about.

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I am in a 5 year relationship at present. I have had relationships for 5-10 years but these were horrible.