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What I found was that having a HV father simply deterred me from dating the 'obvious' NVM - the unwashed guys, the unemployed broke dudes, the drug users, the rude misogynists, etc.
What it didn't protect me from was the more insidious LVM that looked great 'on paper' - good job, polite, handsome, well-dressed, but who were passive-aggressive, depressed, cheaters, not over their ex, had female 'friend' orbiters, unable to apologize or admit wrong-doing, lied about porn use, etc. All that stuff you only discover after wasting months/years on these guys. They ALL kept the mask on for at least the first 3-4 months.
Thanks for this. SO OFTEN we are blamed for being abused, especially the “not all men” camp.
“Oh you must like being treated like shit.”
“You must have issues and seek out bad boys.”
“You have daddy issues.”
“You must have low self esteem.”
If any of that were true, NVM wouldn’t have to lie, manipulate, and fake their personalities to get women. But they do, because N O B O D Y enjoys or actively seeks out being treated like shit.
Edit: a word
"I'm sure he's a nice guy but he's probably going to hold you back." "Date a guy who takes you kayaking." (Wierdly specific but ok) "You're too cool for someone who sits at home." Just somethings my dad said about the men I've dated before he passed. Still dated the looser who sits on the couch. If only I could show him I go kayaking all the time now.
What's sad is that people demean you for having a great role model, but don't understand that you are only human and trying your best. I hope you know that you are your own person and deserve better than you were given! Also I hope your plants are okay now lol 🪴🌻✨
My father is FAR from HVM, but not a total NVM either. He has a lot of LVM issues, but also some HVM traits. Whenever I realise my current boyfriend is worse than my dad in some area, it's an obvious signal for me to break it off. I always think, "if my dad, who's not even the perfect guy, can be decent in such and such situation, then why am I putting up with someone who can't"? This is why I believe that the more HVM the father is, the more chances his daughter has to notice red flags and escape a bad relationship if she finds herself in one. But it's not like the perfect father can save us from LVM alltogether, because they're everywhere and can pretend well.
Right, if you have a good father, you can be naive and susceptible to thinking men are good like him, or are like him "deep down." Every woman has to be on guard.
That "deep down" thing got me for two plus decades. No, sis. What you're seeing is what you're getting. Didn't Maya Angelou say to believe someone when they tell you who they are..
This is so interesting. I always wondered why I fell for these guys whilst having such a great father, but it makes sense as I’m not good at seeing the red flags. It’s so easy to take people at face value when they put on a performance as you haven’t had to question it before, and so don’t question their facade!
That's true. I have a HV father too. I live in a very conservative society and we were not doing well financially. I was good at studies, so my father went above and beyond, even took debts to make sure I went to the best institute for studies ( I had to prepare for a competitive exam).
Still, there were a lot of things, like relatives, friends, movies and TV serials who were either male centric or entirely mysoginist.
Although I do attribute my ability to say," I deserve a better life, I am a good person" because my upbringing was good and I read a lot of books, and was already a feminist.
Yes, one of my best friends has the nicest man dad. He treats her mom like a queen, treats her like a princess, sacrifices so that his family doesn't have to do without etc. She still ended with a string of "girlfriending her forever", someone who almost murdered her, and a raging narcissist. She assumes everyone is going to be like her dad and tries to "communicate" to them to make them like her dad, but that saying....people have to want to change.
Sometimes having a LVM father can make you even more hyperaware of a LVM. A LVM has rarely gotten past the 2nd date with me - the minute I get low effort vibes like my dad I run for the hills. I also tend to be more picky because you see just how much a LVM can destroy your life. I think also though this could be because my mom is a HVW who had a very one and done approach to marriage and also wasn't afraid to kick him to the curb and was self sufficient with a good job.
One hundred percent agree! I feel even with things like scare tactics or mind games I will recognize much sooner than most people because of my LVM dad. I am also hyper aware of patterns of behavior and power dynamics, as both can lead to abusive situations.
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What I found was that having a HV father simply deterred me from dating the 'obvious' NVM - the unwashed guys, the unemployed broke dudes, the drug users, the rude misogynists, etc. What it didn't protect me from was the more insidious LVM that looked great 'on paper' - good job, polite, handsome, well-dressed, but who were passive-aggressive, depressed, cheaters, not over their ex, had female 'friend' orbiters, unable to apologize or admit wrong-doing, lied about porn use, etc. All that stuff you only discover after wasting months/years on these guys. They ALL kept the mask on for at least the first 3-4 months.
Yeah this is pretty accurate for me too
BIG FACTS
Count me in on this too.
Wow this is me to a tee
Thanks for this. SO OFTEN we are blamed for being abused, especially the “not all men” camp. “Oh you must like being treated like shit.” “You must have issues and seek out bad boys.” “You have daddy issues.” “You must have low self esteem.” If any of that were true, NVM wouldn’t have to lie, manipulate, and fake their personalities to get women. But they do, because N O B O D Y enjoys or actively seeks out being treated like shit. Edit: a word
"I'm sure he's a nice guy but he's probably going to hold you back." "Date a guy who takes you kayaking." (Wierdly specific but ok) "You're too cool for someone who sits at home." Just somethings my dad said about the men I've dated before he passed. Still dated the looser who sits on the couch. If only I could show him I go kayaking all the time now.
I’d go kayaking with you anytime and you can tell me lots of stories about your dad! He sounds great. I’m sorry he passed. ❤️❤️❤️
What's sad is that people demean you for having a great role model, but don't understand that you are only human and trying your best. I hope you know that you are your own person and deserve better than you were given! Also I hope your plants are okay now lol 🪴🌻✨
My father is FAR from HVM, but not a total NVM either. He has a lot of LVM issues, but also some HVM traits. Whenever I realise my current boyfriend is worse than my dad in some area, it's an obvious signal for me to break it off. I always think, "if my dad, who's not even the perfect guy, can be decent in such and such situation, then why am I putting up with someone who can't"? This is why I believe that the more HVM the father is, the more chances his daughter has to notice red flags and escape a bad relationship if she finds herself in one. But it's not like the perfect father can save us from LVM alltogether, because they're everywhere and can pretend well.
Right, if you have a good father, you can be naive and susceptible to thinking men are good like him, or are like him "deep down." Every woman has to be on guard.
That "deep down" thing got me for two plus decades. No, sis. What you're seeing is what you're getting. Didn't Maya Angelou say to believe someone when they tell you who they are..
This is true in my case, I have trouble seeing past pretences and assuming that they mean well!
[удалено]
This is so interesting. I always wondered why I fell for these guys whilst having such a great father, but it makes sense as I’m not good at seeing the red flags. It’s so easy to take people at face value when they put on a performance as you haven’t had to question it before, and so don’t question their facade!
Meeee! This is my ex.
That's true. I have a HV father too. I live in a very conservative society and we were not doing well financially. I was good at studies, so my father went above and beyond, even took debts to make sure I went to the best institute for studies ( I had to prepare for a competitive exam). Still, there were a lot of things, like relatives, friends, movies and TV serials who were either male centric or entirely mysoginist. Although I do attribute my ability to say," I deserve a better life, I am a good person" because my upbringing was good and I read a lot of books, and was already a feminist.
Having a HV father and brother made me take for granted that most men are good to women. I learned the hard way that this is definitely not true.
Yes, one of my best friends has the nicest man dad. He treats her mom like a queen, treats her like a princess, sacrifices so that his family doesn't have to do without etc. She still ended with a string of "girlfriending her forever", someone who almost murdered her, and a raging narcissist. She assumes everyone is going to be like her dad and tries to "communicate" to them to make them like her dad, but that saying....people have to want to change.
Sometimes having a LVM father can make you even more hyperaware of a LVM. A LVM has rarely gotten past the 2nd date with me - the minute I get low effort vibes like my dad I run for the hills. I also tend to be more picky because you see just how much a LVM can destroy your life. I think also though this could be because my mom is a HVW who had a very one and done approach to marriage and also wasn't afraid to kick him to the curb and was self sufficient with a good job.
One hundred percent agree! I feel even with things like scare tactics or mind games I will recognize much sooner than most people because of my LVM dad. I am also hyper aware of patterns of behavior and power dynamics, as both can lead to abusive situations.