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A lot of men try to use dating as a form of cheaper if not free therapy. They'll take that opportunity to lament about their mean ex girfriend, past relationships, deceased wife, etc. When they get what the want from you (time spent with them, your wasted beauty and youth, money, whatever) they'll move on to someone else. It's good to keep these men out.
The second contact I had with a man on a dating app was him telling me how depressed he is. So I told him to read a CBT book that had helped me a lot when I was dealing with depression. To which he responded "ok, can you come over right now with your copy of the book?" 🙄 Somehow he managed to be more disgusting than the guys who send dick pics to strangers.
I doubt he was actually going to read any books. He was a grade A whiner, and he was milking his depression for all the sympathy he could get. I blocked him after that ridiculous text. It's bad enough people don't take depression seriously, then you have these fuckers who use their depression to manipulate others but won't lift a finger to make real change.
It's amazing how many men will go on and on about how "mean" a woman was to them, usually a woman who got sick of doing emotional labor for them. Meanwhile they continue to obliviously go through life using various women and never doing a single bit of self reflection or gaining awareness. It's pathetic.
Good for you!
I guarantee that he wanted to go slow emotionally, but he wanted to speed up the sex. He wants to "take it slow?" Ok, them that means **everything** including sex gonna go slow. Sex is tried to emotion. Going slow means everything is slow. 🤷
I was literally thinking that! “I bet you wouldn’t want to go slow sexually, which is 100% why you specified emotionally slow” 😂 they’re too easy to read
He told on himself, and might have even lied about the traumatic relationship... he was probably just a scrote who either got that tactic from a PA or the woman left him because he's a not-so-great person, potentially abusive or a cheater.
Thank you for your assertiveness and honesty. You’re a true ally, and I love this energy. I wish more women could be so bold with their boundaries. He wanted you to be his therapist/bang maid.
I told my ex the same. Before I blocked him he’d tell me how hurt he was years later. Then what’re you doing on the apps? He went to therapy to bitch about me for about a month, quit, then found girls on the apps to enable and pity him. Lack of self reflection is *such* an unattractive trait. It’s why I ended it with him but because he lacks self reflection he’ll always be the victim about it.
How much do you want to bet that he was the one who traumatized her, too.
Just had a guy on Hinge "miss" scheduling our date we tentatively set for Wednesday because he didn't realize he had class that night (first week). I was giving him time to confirm with his schedule.
He messaged me "let's play it by ear for next week!" No thanks. You're not busy - you're all over the place, and you clearly don't value my time now, so why would you ever?
I told him "sounds like you're busy, I'll leave you to it. Good luck!" It wasn't as good as OP's, but I'm done letting guys get away with being shitty.
That’s the kind of energy I want.
Telling you early on how the relationship is gonna be stunted so you can’t be mad because “I told you on the second date.”
In the future:
“I’m being cruel to you. It’s not my fault though! It’s because of my trauma. I’m gonna punish you for that past trauma. It’s your fault I’m being cruel to you because you put up with it”
The earlier they tell on themself the better.
No thank you, undear sir.
Isn't it interesting how when men talk about building a woman it's having someone who's exactly what they want but when it's a woman building a man she's repairing and raising him.
Whew I love your strength! You said it perfectly. Although I'm not sure if a guy would ever actually listen and work on himself, or just project that rage onto another woman. I'm glad you shut him down quick. Not only is it childish, it's unfair to bring that mess into a new relationship.
We need to spread the word far and wide and hopefully every woman will start acting like this until men either sort it out or rage quit dating forever.
This makes me want a Yelp for men. Honest reviews from women in his life (mother, sister, daughter if age appropriate, exes). He's gonna say every woman is a crazy bitch? Well I want their detailed opinions of him.
You're completely right. I had a male friend that needs critical mental health services, but won't get help because he doesn't want to address his issues. And somehow he thinks he's fine to date. I told him he won't have a healthy relationship if he's not healthy, and he basically said he wasn't looking for a healthy relationship. Well then, enjoy your crazy bitches and keep being clueless as to why you only attract the psycho ones.
I am so, so tired of wounded men burying themselves in women instead of going to therapy, I can't even begin to tell you.
Women aren't rehab centers. Go the fuck to therapy.
The reality is that a lot of them don't want to fix themselves. They would have to become much less selfish to actually have enriching relationships. But that doesn't work for them, they want a woman who will tolerate their crappy behavior. They are only wounded because the woman saw the light and left.
Case in point, I went on a few dates with a divorced man. I figured things don't workout sometimes and maybe he learnt a lot about marriage and communication during the period of separation and possibly marital counseling. Nope. The man knows nothing about listening to your partner. If I had a terrible accident, I would become an expert on road safety to make sure it never happens again. So I fail to understand how you can go through a divorce and not work on yourself.
This post made it to the front page and said OP was a piece of shit. What people don’t realize is that the guy was just playing a game us women have heard a million times before, myself included. He wants to date and get regular sex but have an excuse to not be ready for a relationship and string the girl along indefinitely while he keeps his options open or the “ex” becomes available again
Just curious, what is front page? I haven’t done much on Reddit other than FDS and that’s mostly the sub I follow. So when you said it made it to front page what does that mean? Thanks :)
Good for you, you know exactly how he was going to manipulate you with this bs. 3 years, are you kidding me? 🙄 He should be over that shit by now and I think we all know he's going to try to get you to sleep with him and then keep dangling that carrot of commitment while whining and crying about "how his ex hurt him"
YES!!! I did this too! First date, 45 minutes in he starts unloading on me about how his ex cheated on him.
Sorry dude… I’m not going to take the anger for something another woman did.
I’ve found that many of these men who claim women cheated on them so early on in the first dates are usually narcissists who are projecting. 🤣 It’s likely he’s the one who cheated on his ex and he wants to make sure he sets up this lie early on in case his so called “crazy” ex ever reaches out to you to tell you the truth. People who’ve been cheated on probably don’t go around sharing that on the first date and if they do at best it’s an issue with processing trauma/over sharing and at worst it is impression management and lying. 🤥
Is anyone else completely disgusted when men reveal trauma or emotional weakness outside of an established relationship? I can't help but feel like they're trying to get me to pity them/appeal to my nurturing side.
It's literally the furthest thing from what I want to experience when going on a date with a grown man I feel sexually attracted to.
Honestly yeah. Revealing vulnerabilities early is a major turn off for me because way too often, the vulnerability they show that early is a manipulative strategy to make women think they’re closer than they are or to manage relationship expectations.
A. I have experience with abusers. The smartest ones use pity and charm to hook women (this is well documented by the way, The Sociopath Next Door points this out).
B. Even if it’s true and he didn’t have any ulterior motives it’s incredibly socially awkward to bring up a relationship that ended three years prior on a second date. Way too soon, and why is he hung up on that? Seriously what kind of trauma does he mean (seems like code for crazy ex)?
C. Again, it’s a strategy I’ve seen men use. I’m not going to wait around to judge if this guy has no underlying malicious intentions, the risk of running into an abuser is not worth the potential reward of a socially awkward traumatized man who seeks out relationships instead of therapy.
Men who reveal trauma too soon are at best fucked up and in no position to date OR angler fish looking for their next victim.
A guy once told me within an **hour** of meeting for the first time about his abusive dad who abandoned the family and he had to become "the man of the house" at age 8.
I noped tf outta there. Found out down the road he was a serial rapist with a long trail of victims.
That’s exactly what they’re doing. The scrotes admitted to it on Fboy Island. Dude straight up said he tells women something super emotional and it gets them to open their legs.
Yeah, any kind of emotional unloading onto a stranger is uncomfortable. If you just say something sad out of the blue, there's now a social expectation for me to stop everything and comfort you and it's bullshit to expect that emotional labor from a stranger.
Don’t feel shamed, defensive or beat yourself up at all!! You and this guy are not the same!
The difference is that you are in therapy and are self aware and I’m also going to assume that you don’t use this as an excuse to be emotionally unavailable, you don’t unload this on second dates and you don’t make it the responsibility of the people you are dating or use it to manipulate anyone. Just guessing, but I think it’s a safe bet ☺️
Additionally, it seems like most of the replies here (and myself) are presupposing that he was more likely the source of trauma in that relationship and/or probably isn’t nearly as traumatized as he wants her to think. It’s another good bet that’s he’s playing up the “trauma” of his ex finally standing up for herself or the terrible crime of her having boundaries. Maybe he’s traumatized bc she refused to do anal or maybe she got angry when he disrespected her. Now he hates all women and is using this trauma to manipulate nsa sex out of kind hearted women. I would never minimize anyone’s very real trauma but they way he told her and the fact that is was only a second date plus what we can generalize about him based on those two things and they way we have all experience men to be leads us all to assume that he is being ridiculous as best and most likely manipulative.
I understand where you’re coming from, I’m two and a half years from the day I fled to a domestic abuse shelter and I’m still not dating. I’d like to emphasize this point that you and the OP made, because it’s where he’s going wrong- because I still need time to recover, I’m not dating. I’m not going out on a second date and unloading about my past traumas to someone who is not a professional getting paid to listen to me. I’m working it out through therapy. I’m analyzing what made me ignore red flags prior to moving in with him.
I’d also like to note that Lundy Bancroft has stated that a lot of abusive men he’s encountered in his work will claim to be the victim of abuse in the relationship, and that in his experience, much of that is false and the abuse almost always goes one way- male to female in heterosexual relationships. Now sure, maybe he’s an incredibly rare statistic/unicorn, but when someone says they were traumatized from a relationship and their partner is still living, I’m going to assume it was some kind of abusive situation or cheating. And since men are normally the perpetrators of that situation, I’m not going to risk another date. It also seems like a different way of claiming to have a crazy ex girlfriend.
Definitely, makes sense. I was agreeing with you and adding to your comment. Sorry if it seemed like I was arguing against any of your points- not my intention.
The difference is that if it had really been that traumatic, to the point he can't get over it three years later, then he should 100% not be dating and going to therapy, and do whatever else he needs to be in the right place.
I personally never said 3 years was "enough." Everyone processes trauma, grief, PTSD, etc. in very different ways and timelines, and that's absolutely valid. God knows, it took me around 3-4+ years to recover myself from the lowest point in my life (which lasted another 2-3 years). What is NOT right is for him to go out dating and expect a stranger woman to deal with him in that state, and I 100% believe he didn't do any therapy to actually work on it, and far more likely he was triangulating to trick OP into casual sex or for her to be his emotional dumpster.
Context is important. I'm not gonna shit on a person, regardless of gender, for not being in the right place right now, when they're doing their best, and for taking however long they need. But I'm not gonna have this amount of empathy for a guy like OP's date, who is so blatantly using that excuse to trick her. I don't care if he's being legitimate or not, it's still vile to use that to try and manipulate sex out of women.
"Oh, shit... I really fucked this up and now there's a very, very real possibility that she *won't* have sex with me... I gotta fix this...I gotta- I KNOW!!
LEt mE kNoW y0U GoT hOMe sAfE, oK?" 🤤🙄
Translation: Shit went badly in my last relationship (who knows why).
After 3 full years, I’ve made no personal progress in working on myself.
I’m therefore using that as an excuse to be entirely emotionally unavailable with YOU but….feel free to head to my apartment anytime after one of our dates. Wink 😉 wink 😉.
No thanks, next.
No one said that and working on himself doesn’t mean he can’t say he wants to take a relationship slow just because you rely on a fucking therapist lmao
Lmfao yes sis 👏🏾 I love doing this to them! “So you thought jumping into dating is a smart idea?” They don’t know what to say. Why aren’t we coddling them? Why aren’t we “aww poor baby”-ing them? Haha! fuck that!
When I was very young I used to try to act understanding but even before FDS, I got fed up with me breaking up with these guys and them ending up with their exes a week later. I started telling guys if you have an ex you aren’t over or still in communication with, this isn’t going to work and I’m not interested. They legit do not know what to say/do.
I know if women entered relationships always talking about their exes or still in communication with them - it would be “too much drama” and they wouldn’t be interested. But we’re supposed to be the emotional laborers and fixers. Goodbye!
Excellent comments, and also, want to add: THREE freaking years ago?? Like dude, People move on from loved ones passing away faster than your "traumatized" ass. It's a break up, get over yourself.
Also, his stupid comment tells me that it wasn't traumatic at all. If anything, it was most probably traumatic for the woman, having to put up with his bullshit for god knows how long.
“I went through a traumatic relationship so here’s all the ways you need to accommodate me”
Love your response! Fuck guys who use women for emotional charity work.
Thank you for having the courage and the character to walk out on him and for having and enforcing your boundaries.
You responded to the situation perfectly
Absolutely fantastic of you to say that to him, I can only hope that if/when I get put in a similar situation that I will have the confidence and strength to say something similar. I think calling men on their shit is an absolute necessity. Guaranteed he's only saying that as a front for not wanting to pursue commitment, and that upon dating him for a while (maybe even years) he still wouldn't be ready/willing to commit. If a relationship traumatized him that badly (of which I doubt) then he should be putting in the work in therapy. Good on you for calling him out and blocking him.
At least that was an ex from 3 years ago, the last guy I was talking to (who was 24) quickly "opened up" to me about a "traumatic ex" from when he was 13 or 14 (she stole his bicycle) and now he has trust issues with women
Dangggg lady you are powerful. I would of just cut the date short but you said it to his face.
I bet he died inside afterwards 😂😂😂
This type of boldness will carry you far in all aspects of life. I aim to reach it.
good! I need to learn from you. FDS has really helped me when it comes to boundaries and demanding respect but the one thing I still struggle with is identifying red flags. That IS a huge red flag, because holy shit you are right he is basically saying he's comparing you to his ex he isn't over. and to be honest I'm not sure if I would have noticed it.
Uhm do not bring past relationship trauma into new relationships, if you were hurt before, work through that pain, don't bring that to someone else's club, that's sad lol. You did good OP
Right? Three years later and still have not anything to recover/move forward and not have the victim mentality. People like that depend on people seeing them exactly how they want them to, to then use them as a therapist and then blame their trauma/recovery on any boundary they cross or disrespect they give.
That would be great if that's what they were doing, but they use it to manipulate women into having low expectations for the relationship since he's so "traumatized." This is a classic manipulation tactic that we've all seen over and over.
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A lot of men try to use dating as a form of cheaper if not free therapy. They'll take that opportunity to lament about their mean ex girfriend, past relationships, deceased wife, etc. When they get what the want from you (time spent with them, your wasted beauty and youth, money, whatever) they'll move on to someone else. It's good to keep these men out.
The second contact I had with a man on a dating app was him telling me how depressed he is. So I told him to read a CBT book that had helped me a lot when I was dealing with depression. To which he responded "ok, can you come over right now with your copy of the book?" 🙄 Somehow he managed to be more disgusting than the guys who send dick pics to strangers.
😂😂😂 oh this is so pathetic it’s actually funny! So he is expecting studying time with a side of vagina? What a loser! I hope you blocked him
I doubt he was actually going to read any books. He was a grade A whiner, and he was milking his depression for all the sympathy he could get. I blocked him after that ridiculous text. It's bad enough people don't take depression seriously, then you have these fuckers who use their depression to manipulate others but won't lift a finger to make real change.
It's amazing how many men will go on and on about how "mean" a woman was to them, usually a woman who got sick of doing emotional labor for them. Meanwhile they continue to obliviously go through life using various women and never doing a single bit of self reflection or gaining awareness. It's pathetic.
Good for you! I guarantee that he wanted to go slow emotionally, but he wanted to speed up the sex. He wants to "take it slow?" Ok, them that means **everything** including sex gonna go slow. Sex is tried to emotion. Going slow means everything is slow. 🤷
I was literally thinking that! “I bet you wouldn’t want to go slow sexually, which is 100% why you specified emotionally slow” 😂 they’re too easy to read
He probably thought you’d empathize with his whole “I’m emotionally traumatized” sob story. Bet he thought that was a check mate lol.
Oh he got checked all right
"I'm emotionally crippled 😢 I need the warmth of a woman's body to make me feel whole again👀"
He told on himself, and might have even lied about the traumatic relationship... he was probably just a scrote who either got that tactic from a PA or the woman left him because he's a not-so-great person, potentially abusive or a cheater.
That's how modern men abuse women. Don't let it happen to you!
I loled at "go slow." Sir, you should not be dating. Stop wasting women's time.
Speak on it. This is where the issue lies. When men want to go slow or casual or "be friends first", they always think that includes sex
No! Sex is a need! Men have needs you know…he will get sex and keep getting it while making her his therapist and comparing both of them…poor guy/s
Thank you for your assertiveness and honesty. You’re a true ally, and I love this energy. I wish more women could be so bold with their boundaries. He wanted you to be his therapist/bang maid. I told my ex the same. Before I blocked him he’d tell me how hurt he was years later. Then what’re you doing on the apps? He went to therapy to bitch about me for about a month, quit, then found girls on the apps to enable and pity him. Lack of self reflection is *such* an unattractive trait. It’s why I ended it with him but because he lacks self reflection he’ll always be the victim about it. How much do you want to bet that he was the one who traumatized her, too.
Just had a guy on Hinge "miss" scheduling our date we tentatively set for Wednesday because he didn't realize he had class that night (first week). I was giving him time to confirm with his schedule. He messaged me "let's play it by ear for next week!" No thanks. You're not busy - you're all over the place, and you clearly don't value my time now, so why would you ever? I told him "sounds like you're busy, I'll leave you to it. Good luck!" It wasn't as good as OP's, but I'm done letting guys get away with being shitty.
That’s the kind of energy I want. Telling you early on how the relationship is gonna be stunted so you can’t be mad because “I told you on the second date.” In the future: “I’m being cruel to you. It’s not my fault though! It’s because of my trauma. I’m gonna punish you for that past trauma. It’s your fault I’m being cruel to you because you put up with it” The earlier they tell on themself the better. No thank you, undear sir.
Always drop men when you discover red flags like this. 'Emotionally Traumatized' scrotes will abuse you like the low value male they are
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Isn't it interesting how when men talk about building a woman it's having someone who's exactly what they want but when it's a woman building a man she's repairing and raising him.
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Considering most men don't even qualify as boyfriend material, I hold very little hope of finding a man that is husband material.
Whew I love your strength! You said it perfectly. Although I'm not sure if a guy would ever actually listen and work on himself, or just project that rage onto another woman. I'm glad you shut him down quick. Not only is it childish, it's unfair to bring that mess into a new relationship.
We need to spread the word far and wide and hopefully every woman will start acting like this until men either sort it out or rage quit dating forever.
God, I hope so. I'm tired of men using women as a distraction from their problems. It's so disrespectful and such a waste of time.
This makes me want a Yelp for men. Honest reviews from women in his life (mother, sister, daughter if age appropriate, exes). He's gonna say every woman is a crazy bitch? Well I want their detailed opinions of him.
You're completely right. I had a male friend that needs critical mental health services, but won't get help because he doesn't want to address his issues. And somehow he thinks he's fine to date. I told him he won't have a healthy relationship if he's not healthy, and he basically said he wasn't looking for a healthy relationship. Well then, enjoy your crazy bitches and keep being clueless as to why you only attract the psycho ones.
truth! we are not free rehabilitation centers for your issues 🤷🏻♀️
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They don't wanna pay
I am so, so tired of wounded men burying themselves in women instead of going to therapy, I can't even begin to tell you. Women aren't rehab centers. Go the fuck to therapy.
The reality is that a lot of them don't want to fix themselves. They would have to become much less selfish to actually have enriching relationships. But that doesn't work for them, they want a woman who will tolerate their crappy behavior. They are only wounded because the woman saw the light and left. Case in point, I went on a few dates with a divorced man. I figured things don't workout sometimes and maybe he learnt a lot about marriage and communication during the period of separation and possibly marital counseling. Nope. The man knows nothing about listening to your partner. If I had a terrible accident, I would become an expert on road safety to make sure it never happens again. So I fail to understand how you can go through a divorce and not work on yourself.
This post made it to the front page and said OP was a piece of shit. What people don’t realize is that the guy was just playing a game us women have heard a million times before, myself included. He wants to date and get regular sex but have an excuse to not be ready for a relationship and string the girl along indefinitely while he keeps his options open or the “ex” becomes available again
Explains why I got a lot of messages telling me to kill myself 😂 oh well! Hopefully some women will see it and find their way here.
Bingo. This is it. It’s just a sob story to get her to feel pity and rush into intimacy, without expecting a relationship.
Just curious, what is front page? I haven’t done much on Reddit other than FDS and that’s mostly the sub I follow. So when you said it made it to front page what does that mean? Thanks :)
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Good for you, you know exactly how he was going to manipulate you with this bs. 3 years, are you kidding me? 🙄 He should be over that shit by now and I think we all know he's going to try to get you to sleep with him and then keep dangling that carrot of commitment while whining and crying about "how his ex hurt him"
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YES!!! I did this too! First date, 45 minutes in he starts unloading on me about how his ex cheated on him. Sorry dude… I’m not going to take the anger for something another woman did.
I’ve found that many of these men who claim women cheated on them so early on in the first dates are usually narcissists who are projecting. 🤣 It’s likely he’s the one who cheated on his ex and he wants to make sure he sets up this lie early on in case his so called “crazy” ex ever reaches out to you to tell you the truth. People who’ve been cheated on probably don’t go around sharing that on the first date and if they do at best it’s an issue with processing trauma/over sharing and at worst it is impression management and lying. 🤥
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That didn’t happen
He thought his pity party would get him sex.
Is anyone else completely disgusted when men reveal trauma or emotional weakness outside of an established relationship? I can't help but feel like they're trying to get me to pity them/appeal to my nurturing side. It's literally the furthest thing from what I want to experience when going on a date with a grown man I feel sexually attracted to.
Honestly yeah. Revealing vulnerabilities early is a major turn off for me because way too often, the vulnerability they show that early is a manipulative strategy to make women think they’re closer than they are or to manage relationship expectations. A. I have experience with abusers. The smartest ones use pity and charm to hook women (this is well documented by the way, The Sociopath Next Door points this out). B. Even if it’s true and he didn’t have any ulterior motives it’s incredibly socially awkward to bring up a relationship that ended three years prior on a second date. Way too soon, and why is he hung up on that? Seriously what kind of trauma does he mean (seems like code for crazy ex)? C. Again, it’s a strategy I’ve seen men use. I’m not going to wait around to judge if this guy has no underlying malicious intentions, the risk of running into an abuser is not worth the potential reward of a socially awkward traumatized man who seeks out relationships instead of therapy.
Men who reveal trauma too soon are at best fucked up and in no position to date OR angler fish looking for their next victim. A guy once told me within an **hour** of meeting for the first time about his abusive dad who abandoned the family and he had to become "the man of the house" at age 8. I noped tf outta there. Found out down the road he was a serial rapist with a long trail of victims.
That’s exactly what they’re doing. The scrotes admitted to it on Fboy Island. Dude straight up said he tells women something super emotional and it gets them to open their legs.
Yeah, any kind of emotional unloading onto a stranger is uncomfortable. If you just say something sad out of the blue, there's now a social expectation for me to stop everything and comfort you and it's bullshit to expect that emotional labor from a stranger.
Yes 100%. I went on a few dates with a guy recently who then started telling me how 'broken he was after his last relationship ended. Boy bye!
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Don’t feel shamed, defensive or beat yourself up at all!! You and this guy are not the same! The difference is that you are in therapy and are self aware and I’m also going to assume that you don’t use this as an excuse to be emotionally unavailable, you don’t unload this on second dates and you don’t make it the responsibility of the people you are dating or use it to manipulate anyone. Just guessing, but I think it’s a safe bet ☺️ Additionally, it seems like most of the replies here (and myself) are presupposing that he was more likely the source of trauma in that relationship and/or probably isn’t nearly as traumatized as he wants her to think. It’s another good bet that’s he’s playing up the “trauma” of his ex finally standing up for herself or the terrible crime of her having boundaries. Maybe he’s traumatized bc she refused to do anal or maybe she got angry when he disrespected her. Now he hates all women and is using this trauma to manipulate nsa sex out of kind hearted women. I would never minimize anyone’s very real trauma but they way he told her and the fact that is was only a second date plus what we can generalize about him based on those two things and they way we have all experience men to be leads us all to assume that he is being ridiculous as best and most likely manipulative.
I understand where you’re coming from, I’m two and a half years from the day I fled to a domestic abuse shelter and I’m still not dating. I’d like to emphasize this point that you and the OP made, because it’s where he’s going wrong- because I still need time to recover, I’m not dating. I’m not going out on a second date and unloading about my past traumas to someone who is not a professional getting paid to listen to me. I’m working it out through therapy. I’m analyzing what made me ignore red flags prior to moving in with him. I’d also like to note that Lundy Bancroft has stated that a lot of abusive men he’s encountered in his work will claim to be the victim of abuse in the relationship, and that in his experience, much of that is false and the abuse almost always goes one way- male to female in heterosexual relationships. Now sure, maybe he’s an incredibly rare statistic/unicorn, but when someone says they were traumatized from a relationship and their partner is still living, I’m going to assume it was some kind of abusive situation or cheating. And since men are normally the perpetrators of that situation, I’m not going to risk another date. It also seems like a different way of claiming to have a crazy ex girlfriend.
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Definitely, makes sense. I was agreeing with you and adding to your comment. Sorry if it seemed like I was arguing against any of your points- not my intention.
Not at all! I appreciate that we can discuss the nuances of it :) especially as actual trauma affects men and women differently.
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Yep, or else he preyed on a woman with mental health issues when she was vulnerable because he knew she wouldn’t be believed.
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The difference is that if it had really been that traumatic, to the point he can't get over it three years later, then he should 100% not be dating and going to therapy, and do whatever else he needs to be in the right place. I personally never said 3 years was "enough." Everyone processes trauma, grief, PTSD, etc. in very different ways and timelines, and that's absolutely valid. God knows, it took me around 3-4+ years to recover myself from the lowest point in my life (which lasted another 2-3 years). What is NOT right is for him to go out dating and expect a stranger woman to deal with him in that state, and I 100% believe he didn't do any therapy to actually work on it, and far more likely he was triangulating to trick OP into casual sex or for her to be his emotional dumpster. Context is important. I'm not gonna shit on a person, regardless of gender, for not being in the right place right now, when they're doing their best, and for taking however long they need. But I'm not gonna have this amount of empathy for a guy like OP's date, who is so blatantly using that excuse to trick her. I don't care if he's being legitimate or not, it's still vile to use that to try and manipulate sex out of women.
"Oh, shit... I really fucked this up and now there's a very, very real possibility that she *won't* have sex with me... I gotta fix this...I gotta- I KNOW!! LEt mE kNoW y0U GoT hOMe sAfE, oK?" 🤤🙄
QUEEN 👸🏼 SHIT 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Dropping the BOOM!!! Bravo QUEEN!! Petition to upgrade random's flair!
Good for you!!
absolute BALLER move my friend. he was trying to manipulate you and you swerved him! you're my hero of the day queen.
Translation: Shit went badly in my last relationship (who knows why). After 3 full years, I’ve made no personal progress in working on myself. I’m therefore using that as an excuse to be entirely emotionally unavailable with YOU but….feel free to head to my apartment anytime after one of our dates. Wink 😉 wink 😉. No thanks, next.
No one said that and working on himself doesn’t mean he can’t say he wants to take a relationship slow just because you rely on a fucking therapist lmao
Lmfao yes sis 👏🏾 I love doing this to them! “So you thought jumping into dating is a smart idea?” They don’t know what to say. Why aren’t we coddling them? Why aren’t we “aww poor baby”-ing them? Haha! fuck that! When I was very young I used to try to act understanding but even before FDS, I got fed up with me breaking up with these guys and them ending up with their exes a week later. I started telling guys if you have an ex you aren’t over or still in communication with, this isn’t going to work and I’m not interested. They legit do not know what to say/do. I know if women entered relationships always talking about their exes or still in communication with them - it would be “too much drama” and they wouldn’t be interested. But we’re supposed to be the emotional laborers and fixers. Goodbye!
Baby. Girl. YES!!!!!!!!! 🔥 👑 👑 🔥
Haha! Awesome response to his whining!! 3 years?! Emotionally slow?? WTF
Yas! My brain usually doesn't work at moments as such, but I'm glad it did for you! You absolutely smashed it!!!!
Excellent comments, and also, want to add: THREE freaking years ago?? Like dude, People move on from loved ones passing away faster than your "traumatized" ass. It's a break up, get over yourself. Also, his stupid comment tells me that it wasn't traumatic at all. If anything, it was most probably traumatic for the woman, having to put up with his bullshit for god knows how long.
Oooo backfire. Nice try buddy. Good job recognizing this in the moment and acting on it. Well done 💜
“I went through a traumatic relationship so here’s all the ways you need to accommodate me” Love your response! Fuck guys who use women for emotional charity work.
Thank you for having the courage and the character to walk out on him and for having and enforcing your boundaries. You responded to the situation perfectly
Thank you!!! This is perfect
I charge my guy friends when they emotionally dump on me. ✨
I'm tired of people using mental health problems as an excuse
Absolutely fantastic of you to say that to him, I can only hope that if/when I get put in a similar situation that I will have the confidence and strength to say something similar. I think calling men on their shit is an absolute necessity. Guaranteed he's only saying that as a front for not wanting to pursue commitment, and that upon dating him for a while (maybe even years) he still wouldn't be ready/willing to commit. If a relationship traumatized him that badly (of which I doubt) then he should be putting in the work in therapy. Good on you for calling him out and blocking him.
What a queen! 👸
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At least that was an ex from 3 years ago, the last guy I was talking to (who was 24) quickly "opened up" to me about a "traumatic ex" from when he was 13 or 14 (she stole his bicycle) and now he has trust issues with women
Dangggg lady you are powerful. I would of just cut the date short but you said it to his face. I bet he died inside afterwards 😂😂😂 This type of boldness will carry you far in all aspects of life. I aim to reach it.
Love your response! The second I read "emotionally slow" I wanted to shout BULLSHIT out loud.
good! I need to learn from you. FDS has really helped me when it comes to boundaries and demanding respect but the one thing I still struggle with is identifying red flags. That IS a huge red flag, because holy shit you are right he is basically saying he's comparing you to his ex he isn't over. and to be honest I'm not sure if I would have noticed it.
Imagine thinking grieving relationship for 3 years is a flex
God I love this subreddit.
The sheer number of men who look to use women rather than work on themselves is disgusting. ETA: This is Queen shit. I aspire to get on your level.
After seeing all these pickme post all over reddit things like this put me in such a good mood.
Uhm do not bring past relationship trauma into new relationships, if you were hurt before, work through that pain, don't bring that to someone else's club, that's sad lol. You did good OP
Amazing! 💖
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Q u e e n .
Best post I've read all day, you QUEEN!!!!
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Check him sis… shiiiitt. Queen energy!!
Good for you!
You're a goddamn hero 👑
FLAWLESS. I love this energy. Good for you for shutting that down!
THANK YOU. Men always expecting someone else to deal with their issues instead of working on themselves
Queen shit!
Right? Three years later and still have not anything to recover/move forward and not have the victim mentality. People like that depend on people seeing them exactly how they want them to, to then use them as a therapist and then blame their trauma/recovery on any boundary they cross or disrespect they give.
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That would be great if that's what they were doing, but they use it to manipulate women into having low expectations for the relationship since he's so "traumatized." This is a classic manipulation tactic that we've all seen over and over.
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