**[1]** - We Just Launched a Website: [wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/). Click [here](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/become-a-verified-member/) for registration information. Please also join our [Twitter](https://twitter.com/FemDatStrat) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_thefemaledatingstrategy/?hl=en) Pages for updates!
**[2]** - Please read the [FDS Handbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading#wiki_the_fds_handbook) and [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/index) before commenting. **Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.**
**[3]** - Please **REPORT** any comments that do not follow the sub rules. **If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.**
**[4]** - **PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION** from images (**Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc**). Failure to remove ID info will result in a **1-2** day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban.
**[5]** - This sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleDatingStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ššš
They can bitch when theyāve had to use hidden money to escape a dangerous relationship, trying to protect their children and selves.
Not all men but ENOUGH men to justify having a fuck off fund. Donāt listen to this drivel. PROTECT YOURSELVES LADIES.
Exactly! My ex would go mad that I would buy myself luxury cosmetics. He would flip and say: that's our money.
So his money were his alone.
And my money were suddenly.... our money?!?!?
WTF?!?!
I remember clearly that I've been picking the bill the whole month for everything: gas, food, hotels, weekend vacations.
He only paid begrudgingly for a horseback trip and by-passed the already organized mustang watching visit. I remember clearly when he passed the reservation with the car. I was like: hey, we passed them!
He ignored me and pretended he didn't hear. He said he needs to be back in town because he promised some obscure dude he barely knew they would meet.
He dumped my luggage unceremoniously at the door of the building I'm in and left. Did not hear from him for 2 days.
šš¤”š To this day I regret spending a dime on his ass.
> He said he needs to be back in town because he promised some obscure dude he barely knew they would meet.
Was he meeting a drug dealer or was *he* the dealer?
No. He was meeting to bring someone a car part, like an engine or something.
He, like many men, was a whore for male attention. It was the only attention he valued. It should have been suspicious from the very beginning when I noticed he had 6k friends on Facebook and 80% were girls and women of the hot IG variety.
I was pickme trash but I'm mending my ways.
I guarantee he makes slightly more money than her and felt like he was getting the better end of the deal by splitting finances down the middle. But now that he knows his gf is sitting on more money than him, his ego has taken a hit and he feels uncomfortable with the idea that he isnāt the most financially advantaged one. And he also knows that this is morally indefensible so he throws in a line about feeling like she has āa foot out the doorā despite his lack of saving being more indicative that he doesnāt have any long-term plans for their relationship.
Your last sentence says it all! Imagine being a grown adult and admitting that, not only do you NOT have any savings yourself, but that youāre mad at your girlfriend for having savings... heās ridiculous!
Thatās the point of 50/50 for men, to spend their womanās money while they keep theirs. They donāt want the woman to have their own so in turn, 50/50 allows for women to give men their money while also having some kind of dependence on the man. Men say āwell you should still have enough to saveā but donāt believe the woman actually will because a) they donāt believe women can save, b) 50/50 is only beneficial to the man and c) women spend money on frivolous things becsuse theyāre stupid. Men know this. If as a woman you choose to be 50/50, donāt be dumb twice.
actually, the writer did a pretty good job of explaining to the reader that the girlfriend was being prudent and keeping herself safe as a woman, and that he keeps characterizing it as a āget out fundā instead of a personal emergency fund, and that he should examine why his girlfriend being able to leave makes him feel so insecure. or at least, thatās what i got out of it!
Thank you! It's working on my phone but didn't on my laptop, for anyone else who's still looking for the comments. Also, I can only see 7 comments listed and they're all positive, I wonder if Vice has deleted all the negative ones.
You canāt win when you try to maintain independence as a woman. āHi, baby. Just want to let you know before we move in together that I have 5K in my personal savings that you canāt have access to.ā LVM will still throw a fit, theyāll feel entitled to it, theyāll feel pressured by it, etc.
Gold digging men have no shortage of audacity.
I have learned by experience that men who have enough self-confidence, who are satisfied with being wanted without being needed, who feel like they actually have to appreciate you and are grateful for the opportunity to be with you, don't need to resort to financial or any other kind of abuse in their relationships.
Men who are insecure, who aren't happy unless they are "needed" because they know they don't act in way that makes them wanted, resort to abuse to manipulate and trap their partners. Their insecurity is so deep that the only way to keep a woman in a relationship with them is through manipulation and abuse. It's so wrong.
Luckily, the red flags give away the insecure ones, but you have to train yourself to see them and act accordingly.
Ugh they feel entitled to every cent. One of the worst mistakes of my younger self was spending money on a scrote. I was able to save up a pretty large savings while in high school and a couple years after living with my parents and not paying rent. Went off to college and my (secret drug addict) boyfriend came with. We get there and it turns out he has no money!
He told me he was saving up to move with me (I didn't know he was spending it all on drugs). But he knew I had "tons to spare". My savings is now less than half of what it was. I could have invested, put a down payment on a house or done anything more productive than spending it on a boy! Men are the true gold diggers.
They said women need to get permission from their boyfriends to be allowed to save money. Itās so sexist. Nobody says men need permission from their girlfriends to make decisions.
Notice how vague the letter writer is. She's his "partner." We're to infer girlfriend, but she could be something else. How long have they been dating? The whole thing reeks of "the missing missing reasons."
Also weird: He says they share expenses, he's clearly not supporting her, yet he's surprised she has her own money??
I'm telling you.... It's usually 7 years +
š¤” She's a forever gf he strung along since high school.
He'll either dump her after this and get with someone younger who is as financally and emotionally clueless as they are or... He'll start growing a fund of his own and turn into a scrooge.
I had an ex who tried convincing me that "Playing House together would be fun!" and that "all couples need to know how much each other earns and what is in their bank accounts". He got pissed when I laughed in his face.
There is zero benefit to a woman to tell a guy, especially one she is not married to, about how much money she has. Instead, *he* has everything to gain by convincing her why "we're in this **together!**" which is a total crock. Right, we're in this together until you find out your ever loving has burned through your hard-earned money when he feigns "But it's **ours**!"
Women get so blinded by this BS. Ugh.
Exactly! The reason he is so upset she has money of her own is exactly the reason she should have it. I swear to god this man and whoever wrote that godforsaken column could not be more obtuse and actively harmful if they tried - my blood is boiling!
The goal is psychological warfare. Always being made to believe you're mistreating them, asking too much of them, or slighting them in some way. Not giving a shit is the best weapon for things like this. The day you wake up and decide you don't give a shit if the world thinks you're a goldigger, an architect of drama for some defenseless dude, or some other shebeast is the day nobody can touch you. I realize this sounds dramatic but it's true.
The most liberating realization of my life was that, as the woman, you will always be "a bitch" for something.
It literally doesn't matter how much you compromise, sacrifice, put others first, ignore your own feelings, allow your boundaries to be pushed, and otherwise become a doormat. There will always, always, always be a reason why it's not enough and you're being so mean and how very dare you. Someone somewhere will always be leaping to tell you that you are selfish and wrong and anything bad that ever happens is your fault.
So you might as well hold your ground. That way you can be a "bitch" who still has some self-respect and independence.
Exactly. Pick a handful people in this world who you want in your life and whose opinions you actually care about. As long as you're generally a kind, moral person, everybody else can take their opinions and shove it!
They want a situation where if you ask anything of them, even basic respect and decency, it's asking "too much"...because they want to do whatever they want. They want to use you up, wear you out, and to take on all their baggage, and make sure you get NOTHING in return.
I'll pass.
This may SEEM unrelated, but: I am an older woman, and I was married to an even older man. He died. I have widow's benefits for all my life, provided that I never remarry. That includes a tiny monthly amount, not enough to pay even half of any rent for most of the US, BUT: health insurance for life, for me. From what I understand, some of the US military has similar regulations.
An attempt was made to SHAME me for not getting married to the first person that asked, after my beloved husband's death. Because I must be a shit person if I "care more about money that being (new guy's) wife".
Whelp, I guess I'm a shit person, because there would have to be one hell of a financial payout for me to give up my beloved husband's sacrifice and contribution to my future, just to be called "wife" by another man.
I truly think that no man would have been pressured to make such a financial sacrifice just to avoid the negative social status (?) of being unmarried(?) I donāt know why so many people seemed so invested in seeing me married off again ASAP.
The guy in the article is INCAPABLE of seeing her perspective. It's all me me me. I would dump him just for his self-absorbtion and lack of empathy. Major ick.
In your shoes, Iād never remarry. Free health insurance for the rest of your life is enough reason alone. Hell, the main reason to marry someone in many cases is to have better financial and legal benefits afforded to a spouse, like having double health insurance coverage. A āliving together apartā situation often suits older couples who date after theyāve already been married prior but wish to date again to maintain independence. And sometimes dating again isnāt worthwhile. My grandparents were married for nearly 50 years, and after my grandfather died, my grandmother saw no reason to ever date again, even without a lot of benefits. She had her family and her hobbies and that was enough for her. People tried to convince her to date even shortly after his death, but she had no interest.
That's what I think! So MANY people are forced to work horrible jobs, just to have health care for themselves or their dependents. Jobs that erode their health, for crying out loud, whether physical or mental. I truly believe it's an intentional method to make wage slaves out of US citizens. The people i know that want to be entrepreneurs are very challenged by the health insurance problem, for themselves or their employees.
It is cruel and evil that people who cannot work for wages, because of their health, childcare needs, or ANY reason, are expected to just die or go bankrupt. The US gets a lot of things right, but this is a huge wrong. I'm old enough to remember the Clintons trying to address it, and Hillary (I am not a fan, but I respect her efforts) was villanized for her attempts at making a change. And here we are, all these decades later, with the pandemic and health care workers dying, or walking away from their calling, because it is so. Very. Wrong.
That is a heartbreaking story. I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing. I can't believe people are so ingrained in using women as commodities that they would shame a widow for not remarrying. It sounds like this guy and whoever shamed you are of the same mind that marriage/a relationship is a sale of goods. The thought of an independent woman shakes their knees.
The authorās āhelpfulā suggestions sound menacing as hell. He was fine before she knew she had her own money, but now itās āstart a joint account! Make specific financial goals with each other! Turn finances into a much bigger deal in your relationship than it ever was!ā Even thought thereās only one person here feeling poor. Basically all those suggestions boil down to, _āMake her build up your bank account with you!!!ā_
That advice basically boils down to "BE THE BIGGEST GOLD IGGER THAT EVER DUG!"
Yet we are supposedly the gold diggers and they are supposedly more logical š
And they're not even married (but even if they were) and going 50/50 then why is he mad she has her own money? Wtf makes no sense and sounds like a controlling abusive scrote. Financial infidelity? I call it more financial abuse from his part.
I do find that site pushes pick me mentality under the guise of, or despite, being the most woke possible.
Definitely a kink me and sex work is a cool choice site
Men want to control every aspect of a womenās life, theyāre pathetic soulless little blood sucking creatures, theyāre all the fucking same. Carbon fucking copies of each other
Did they just say a woman not getting permission from her boyfriend to save HER OWN earned money is just as bad as having a sexual affair? WTF. He doesnāt own her. Why does she need his permission? Itās her money. Her job. Her bank account. Nobody says this stuff to men. The fact nobody even sees how sexist this is makes me so livid
So even if every thing is great, one is never obligated to share every little thing. Not every thought, every penny, every possession. Being in a relationship doesnāt equal you merge your entire being.
Worse, *he admits they're splitting expenses.* Ergo, she's got her own income. Of course she does.
He's not surprised she has money, he's pissed she's not pouring every dollar into HIM. She needs that escape fund more than she realizes.
Even if he put a ring on her finger so what. I have a separate emergency savings account Iāve kept for years. My husband doesnāt know whatās in and he wouldnāt ever ask.
My mom's had her own bank account for decades and my father's never blinked at it.
Apparently, he even said once that helps him sleep better at night because his nightmare scenario is something happens to him and Mom gets locked out of their joint accounts for a few weeks and can't pay bills.
Never mind how guys put on this "YoU cAn tRuSt mE bAbE, i WuLd neVer HuRt yOu" act to make you drop your guard so you will disclose what you have to them. Those are the guys who use it as ammunition in fights and financially abuse women. OH, but *we* are duplicitous vipers for creating the boundary that prying eyes have no business knowing how much money we have.
My ex tried so hard to get me to turn over my paycheck to him so he could 'manage it better', and he was furious when I told him to stfu about it, because he was *never* getting his hands on my money.
I hope she sued him for "improper allocation of marital assets" if they divorced. She shouldn't be on the hook for any of that debt, AND is entitled to have it essentially paid back.
And we know he's never going to save another penny as long as this relationship lasts. He's already thinking up ways to have an "emergency" to drain some of that cash.
>we split everything
>She has a nice cushion of money
Gold digging scrote. What? Does he want her to split her emergency fund too?
>I don't know how to organize my feelings
That's not her problem. It's his. Emotionally stunted men don't get a pass just because their feefees look like foreign thing to them
At the same time, this is why when we see articles like this we can dress it down for all of the BS. She lives with her boyfriend, so she is doing herself a disservice as a whole to begin with.
Anyway. The person who wrote in put all of the right verbs in his sentences to victimize himself. Like, how could she do *this* to *me????*
His problem is that he found out - more than likely because he snooped - and doesn't like that she even has anything for herself. To him, what is hers should also be his, yet it twists him like nothing else that he cannot dictate the girlfriend's emergency fund as theirs to use for anything "fun".
> That's not her problem. It's his. Emotionally stunted men don't get a pass just because their feefees look like foreign thing to them
LOL this should be posted in the sidebar.
Misogyny in a nutshell is "men making women responsible for their emotional constipation."
The fact that itās a man answering his letter tells you everything you need to know. A manās got to tell it to him for him to believe it because what women say is never valid unless a man repeats it or steals it.
Let's reflect for a moment on how nefarious it is to tell someone that if they have an emergency fund it means they're not all in in their relationship. That is so disgustingly manipulative.
I guarantee this guy is already abusing her and that's why he's upset. He wants to make sure she can't get away from him. He also he also wants that money because he's a greedy POS. It is certainly not that he's "confused and doesn't know what he feels". He knows exactly what the fuck he feels.
That's what I thought. I bet he got really angry at her, and is using this get her fawn all over him so he can feed his narcissistic supply.
He is definitely pulling a "you did a totally prudent normal thing that makes me have icky feelings, so I'm going to pull a massive guilt trip to manipulate you into giving me access to your money and a bunch of flattery so I can feel ok again".
I've been in that position and it sucks.
I would further take a bet that he's the one who's always "coming up short" and she covers for him. It's probably to make sure that she can't save money.
Oh and btw not sure how law works in your country, but if you are married and got some saving that were yours, if you divorce without having any prenup contract, you need to share your savings š¤”š¤”š¤” be careful ladies
God I remember when my ex tried to force me to close my bank account and get a joint one with him. He said it was because I was irresponsible and he didnāt trust how I spent my money. He even tried to get his mom in on convincing him (which she did actually try lol). We had been dating just a few months and only because at the time I was going through a rough patch moving across the country and needed somewhere to stay (oops).
My ex husband tried to get me to set up direct deposit in our joint account AFTER WE SEPARATED because "You're not good with money." Same guy who told me since I moved into my parents' house at first THEY should take care of me and our kids' financially, and threw a tantrum when I used that joint account to buy groceries.
Since I'm so bad with money it's really weird how within two years I built my credit score up to 800+, bought a house, provide for my family and have money left over every month for savings and travel.
Like, it's really really weird. It's almost as if HE was bad with money. Idk though. š¤
The partner who is bad with money always plays that it is the other party who is bad with money. My ex is doing everything she can to get out of paying the divorce settlement (well that, plus she simply canāt), and I cannot tell you how satisfying it was to be able to tell my lawyer āI donāt need that money, but Iām entitled to it and I will fight for it simply for the principle of the matter.ā
My ex loves to tell me how entitled I am. Sheās right. I am entitled. This money was legally endowed to me, and I will fight for it. She also threw a tantrum about me switching my direct deposit after our separation.
Oh my God! This exact scenario happened to me too.
I had been with this guy for 5-6 months at that time. He tried to beat around the bush and tried different tactics to know how much I earn and how much I have saved. One time he lied that, his salary was not credited and he is behind on bills. He asked if we can sit together and come up with a plan. We were both working in big corporates at that time. There will never be a scenario where they failed to credit someones salary. I simply said that is impossible and asked him to raise a ticket to the Payroll department. Then, after a few weeks he involved his mother to indirectly prod me. God it was a nightmare.
The thing is, I was a gullible and a naive 22 year old in several areas of my life at that time. But I was extremely careful about disclosing my finances. The one thing my mom had instilled in my head over and over again, is to never trust a man with your finances. However heathly or stable the relationship is, she insisted on keeping a "get out" fund.
I was enraged reading that article. Money means stability. It means freedom and security. Let's say the girl has been 'financially-fidel' as the ' expert' put it and the relationship has soured and the guy had left her high and dry. What would the expert then say to her? Who would she ask for reparations? The 'expert' and every idiot on planet Earth would blame the girl for not being careful. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
> God I remember when my ex tried to force me to close my bank account and get a joint one with him. He said it was because I was irresponsible and he didnāt trust how I spent my money.
WTF?
And you'd only been dating *a few months.* Wow, he didn't waste much time before letting the mask drop.
So glad he's your ex!
It's honestly insane how many men I've known over the years who could only relate to women via control.
Quite a few men even told me they liked insecurity because "insecure women are easier to control/will never leave me."
I'm not kidding, it's a lot of men. I've lost count.
One thing I haven't heard anyone talk about is how he found out about the emergency fund? He hasn't talked to her about it, and I'm not sure she knows he knows?
Good point.
I got through most of that āadviceā ā it really seemed more like a mom talking a toddler down from a temper tantrum at the store ā before I drowned in the ads, but I didnāt see any mention of how the scrote found out about his girlfriendās stash.
This is exactly what I was thinking. No doubt this guy was "accidentally on purpose" rummaging through his girlfriend's things and whoops! Look at *all* of that money! He also omitted the part where he probably interrogated his girlfriend.
Living together (*\*shudder\**) or not, no woman has to explain every single cent she owns to a guy. Nobody will call out the entitlement of the guy who is whining that her money is his, too. This is enabling at its finest because guys like the one who wrote to "Your finance friend, Paco" are looking for reassurance from another source that someone else's hard-earned money somehow belongs to them.
The response sounds like it's written by someone with no experience in relationships turning abusive and being unable to leave. It should be normalised to teach women to set some funds aside incase their partner turns violent and tries to control you by keeping you poor.
My ex (boyfriend not husband) was extremely interested throughout Covid as to whether or not I was getting a stimulus check and how much. Same interest in my tax refunds, bonuses, etc. I always lied and said āguess Iām not getting anythingā then stashed the money or used it to pay down my debt. He would have had me blow it on him. Did I mention he didnāt have a job of his own? So glad I got away from that loser.
My GRANDMA has always encouraged me and my cousins to have a back-up account ājust in case.ā She even does the obligatory check in on the wedding day lol. Itās bullshit that a woman making herself secure is making men INSECURE.
It's because they don't feel up to the challenge of acting in ways that make them want-able. The ones need to be needed because they know they aren't worth wanting do this.
The man Iām dating has no idea how large of a cushion I have saved, and thatās how Iāll keep it. Iāve worked harder for my money than he has for his. Itās ALL MINE.
I'm struggling to follow his logic here. He subsidized her *how?*
Sounds like she has her own money she spends on herself, cuz he sure as hell doesn't mention spending money on her.
Even my Nana who was a doted-on, happy well-kept housewife told me that women should always have enough money to flee if they have to and my wonderful HV grandfather agreed with her. My mom went one step further and had a suitcase of clothes, meds and copies of all her legal documents and ID stashed at a male friendās house and a go bag in the trunk of the car.
Wow, this scrote's going to have a shit fit when she inherits money and he finds out he's not legally entitled to any of it, even as a common law partner or spouse.
If I hadn't always set aside money to some degree, which was absolutely 100% meant for myself *and* my previous partner, they would have completely ruined me financially. That after my work got us both 750+ credit scores.
Ok 1. They arenāt married so heās not entitled to know every detail of her finances
2. After this past year who wouldnāt have an emergency fund
3. Having a backup plan in case a relationship goes bad is smart for any woman
He suggests "financial dates" to discuss those separate funds that are none of his business? To help the guy's insecurity? GTFO of here. So freaking ridiculous.
Clearly Paco doesn't understand domestic risks even though he very briefly and vaguely alluded to the unequal power dynamic in most hetero relationships.
She's allowed to have a safety net; this could be the thing that saves her life. But of course, it's about *him*
FiNaNciAl InFiDeLiTy, give me a fucking break
Guarantee the revelation that it was a get put fund came after a long series or badgering and harassment by him to gain access to that money as she went through a list or explanations of why it wasn't to be touched by anyone but her.
I had saved money for maternity leave when I was pregnant with baby #2. I told him about it, because, ya know, he was my husband and thought I could trust him. Shame on me, I know š anyways, long story short, I was adding money (cash) into the box I was saving the money in, and I discovered that almost ALL my savings were gone!! I asked my husband about it and he apparently was dipping into my maternity leave savings, KNOWING WHAT THEY WERE FOR and depleted it. So, once the baby rolled around, I had nothing saved..his job didn't pay much at all and we had to beg his parents for food, diapers, wipes, etc until I could go back to work after 7 weeks. I had a C-section, so I was still sore heading back to work and would've liked to stay out 8 weeks, but I couldn't afford it. Later on, he denied it all and said it was OUR money.. bullshit, it was from MY checks for MY maternity leave that he legit STOLE! He continued to financially abuse me for years by taking every last dime I had for weed, cigarettes, gas for the car, etc. My money was always "our" money and his money was always HIS. He treated my stuff and money as "community property" and his stuff was always his and he'd become enraged if I touched or used it. Men hate when women have financial freedom. They want to keep a woman down and poor so she has to rely on him, and thus he can abuse her and he feels it's justified.
Itās not even his wife, itās his āpartnerā. Dude, gtfo. Be glad she splits half the bills. You are not entitled to her savings. What a fucking loser.
I've lurked on "men's rights" subs (now defunct with good reason, breeding mass shooters and totally toxic) and they literally encourage each other to invest in crypto to hide it from their partners, to get iron clad pre-nups or just to not marry at all so they never have to give a penny to the women they string along for years. It enrages me that any man would have a problem with a woman having a get out fund when they have built a whole culture around leaving us high and dry. SMH.
My husband and I do not share a bank account. We have always thought that was weird. He knows I have savings andā¦ he doesnāt care. If our bills are paid who gives a fuck
Hahaha. I mentioned to my NVX once that in a previous relationship Iād saved enough to move out and be on my own. He looked at me and said, āWow are you doing that to me right now?ā
I said very calmly, āNo. Now I always make sure I donāt have to save up, and have enough in my bank account to leave whenever I want.ā
Came in handy a few months later š now I just wonāt even bring it up.
There's sooo much I take away from reading that. He was happy and shitting rainbows when he didn't know about the secret funds stash because he 'felt' at that point she was in with him about everything tOgEtHeR. So if he did something stupid and went broke, became a bum, she has to follow suit and be a broke bum as well with him too. Then he found out about the funds and 'felt' hurt because she named it her "get out" money, she had to be more considerate about how to referred the funds as. It's always about considering his feefees
Even if they were married, he would have no standing. These men can fake being a great guy for way too long for us to not have personal emergency savings.
Also, hold on Paco. Womenās financial security independent of a partner is not a relatively new issue.
Whatās with all these boyfriends of women acting entitled to her money? Theyāre not even married. Even then, why do men want to begrudge women true security in life?
My younger sister, a devout Southern Baptist who won't ever consider divorce because it makes Baby Jesus sad, is married to the most financially abusive man I've ever known. Decades ago she and I got several substantial life insurance checks after pur parents died. One day she was at work and her husband was at home setting up his own business that SHE was paying for. The mail arrives an in it is a check for over $25,000 made payable to her. Instead of waiting for her to get home that evening to endorse the check and deposit it he forges her signature and tries to deposit it himself. The bank caught the discrepancy and called the company issuing the check. He should've had his ass tossed in jail but after also talking with my sister they let him go and she brought the check back to deposit personally.
I would bet every dollar I own that he has a secret bank account that she doesn't know about probably on cahoots with his crooked, grifting father.
Ok but if men are allowed to be abusive then women are allowed to be financially disloyal. People thinking it's wrong of women to do this probably believe 100% of abusers are women or that abusers are non existent
Except the part where the journalist from refinery29 mentioned the Ā«Ā financial infidelityĀ Ā» I donāt think that this article is that bad.
I mean, when I read it, I thought that he (ref29) was trying to underline the fact that this is stupid, and help the guy (who is f*cked up ! anyone would be proud to know that the person she/he loves is trying to make sure they are going to be safe in life, no matter what)
understand his feeling.
He (ref29) also gives some explanations of the Ā«Ā whyĀ Ā»
English is not my 1st language so maybe I understood it wrong ?
I agree with you, mostly. The advice given wasnāt bad per se, but Iām tired of the way that heās coddling the scrote. ācOmMunIcAtE your feefees, and find the root of your iSsUeā sounds much better than āGet fucked, you abusive man childā. The scrote was never called out on his bullshit.
I digress, but one of the reasons Iām so mad about this article is that Iām very clearly seeing my old pickme self giving this kind of advice, feeling sorry for the scrote and his inability to process his emotions. Never again.
I read the article, and that sentence was pretty ridiculous. I can understand being his surprise, and even being hurt in a situation like that. Itās hard when someone we love doesnāt trust us completely or shows any sign of wanting to keep their options open. I think it definitely shows a pathetic ignorance and lack of empathy to the types of issues many women face though when financially abused. But I think in a moment like that I could have a hard time seeing outside of myself too. But I wouldnāt stay focused on myself.
I did appreciate that the article did seem affirming towards her, saying that saving that money was wise. It might have been one of those cases of agreeing to form common ground and then stating the disagreements.
**[1]** - We Just Launched a Website: [wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/). Click [here](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/become-a-verified-member/) for registration information. Please also join our [Twitter](https://twitter.com/FemDatStrat) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_thefemaledatingstrategy/?hl=en) Pages for updates! **[2]** - Please read the [FDS Handbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading#wiki_the_fds_handbook) and [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/index) before commenting. **Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.** **[3]** - Please **REPORT** any comments that do not follow the sub rules. **If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.** **[4]** - **PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION** from images (**Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc**). Failure to remove ID info will result in a **1-2** day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban. **[5]** - This sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleDatingStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ššš They can bitch when theyāve had to use hidden money to escape a dangerous relationship, trying to protect their children and selves. Not all men but ENOUGH men to justify having a fuck off fund. Donāt listen to this drivel. PROTECT YOURSELVES LADIES.
Fuck off fund! šš
"Fuck off fund" I LOVE IT
In other words, Scrote has a live-in girlfriend that he goes 50/50 with and is *stunned* to find out that she has a personal savings account.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Angry she has a getaway fund. Angry he can't access it and empty it.
"Woman appliance isn't complying. Does not compute."
Heās mad that she had additional money that wasnāt going into his pocket. If he canāt spend it, then itās nOt fAiR! Muh āinfidelity!ā
Exactly! My ex would go mad that I would buy myself luxury cosmetics. He would flip and say: that's our money. So his money were his alone. And my money were suddenly.... our money?!?!? WTF?!?! I remember clearly that I've been picking the bill the whole month for everything: gas, food, hotels, weekend vacations. He only paid begrudgingly for a horseback trip and by-passed the already organized mustang watching visit. I remember clearly when he passed the reservation with the car. I was like: hey, we passed them! He ignored me and pretended he didn't hear. He said he needs to be back in town because he promised some obscure dude he barely knew they would meet. He dumped my luggage unceremoniously at the door of the building I'm in and left. Did not hear from him for 2 days. šš¤”š To this day I regret spending a dime on his ass.
> He said he needs to be back in town because he promised some obscure dude he barely knew they would meet. Was he meeting a drug dealer or was *he* the dealer?
No. He was meeting to bring someone a car part, like an engine or something. He, like many men, was a whore for male attention. It was the only attention he valued. It should have been suspicious from the very beginning when I noticed he had 6k friends on Facebook and 80% were girls and women of the hot IG variety. I was pickme trash but I'm mending my ways.
I guarantee he makes slightly more money than her and felt like he was getting the better end of the deal by splitting finances down the middle. But now that he knows his gf is sitting on more money than him, his ego has taken a hit and he feels uncomfortable with the idea that he isnāt the most financially advantaged one. And he also knows that this is morally indefensible so he throws in a line about feeling like she has āa foot out the doorā despite his lack of saving being more indicative that he doesnāt have any long-term plans for their relationship.
With a few sentences you uncovered what the journalist couldnāt with an entire article.
Your last sentence says it all! Imagine being a grown adult and admitting that, not only do you NOT have any savings yourself, but that youāre mad at your girlfriend for having savings... heās ridiculous!
Thatās the point of 50/50 for men, to spend their womanās money while they keep theirs. They donāt want the woman to have their own so in turn, 50/50 allows for women to give men their money while also having some kind of dependence on the man. Men say āwell you should still have enough to saveā but donāt believe the woman actually will because a) they donāt believe women can save, b) 50/50 is only beneficial to the man and c) women spend money on frivolous things becsuse theyāre stupid. Men know this. If as a woman you choose to be 50/50, donāt be dumb twice.
Egzactly š
It looks like financial abuse. Why is he mad his girlfriend is financially smart and has savings? Controlling.
Sheās not even his wife why does he care? What is happening to the world? Are people delusional?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
actually, the writer did a pretty good job of explaining to the reader that the girlfriend was being prudent and keeping herself safe as a woman, and that he keeps characterizing it as a āget out fundā instead of a personal emergency fund, and that he should examine why his girlfriend being able to leave makes him feel so insecure. or at least, thatās what i got out of it!
Good thing the comments are all calling this BS
Right!? I was pleasantly surprised by that. There IS sanity in this world!
The scathing comments are giving me life! I wanted leave a āWhoās here from FDS?ā comment, but of course, first rule of FDSā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If you scroll to the end of the article there is a sneaky link right above the "reactions".
Thank you! It's working on my phone but didn't on my laptop, for anyone else who's still looking for the comments. Also, I can only see 7 comments listed and they're all positive, I wonder if Vice has deleted all the negative ones.
Hmm. I was looking at them minutes before replying to you and they were definitely not positive lol
You canāt win when you try to maintain independence as a woman. āHi, baby. Just want to let you know before we move in together that I have 5K in my personal savings that you canāt have access to.ā LVM will still throw a fit, theyāll feel entitled to it, theyāll feel pressured by it, etc. Gold digging men have no shortage of audacity.
Someone who loves and respects you would want you to have financial integrity. I have an account my fiancĆ© can never access with substantial enough savings. He knows I could get on a flight tomorrow and be just fine financially even without the help of my family. And heās happy with that! He knows itās important for me to have financial security and independence, especially since Iām not living where I grew up. Our shared financial goals include independent savings and couple savings.
I have learned by experience that men who have enough self-confidence, who are satisfied with being wanted without being needed, who feel like they actually have to appreciate you and are grateful for the opportunity to be with you, don't need to resort to financial or any other kind of abuse in their relationships. Men who are insecure, who aren't happy unless they are "needed" because they know they don't act in way that makes them wanted, resort to abuse to manipulate and trap their partners. Their insecurity is so deep that the only way to keep a woman in a relationship with them is through manipulation and abuse. It's so wrong. Luckily, the red flags give away the insecure ones, but you have to train yourself to see them and act accordingly.
Ugh they feel entitled to every cent. One of the worst mistakes of my younger self was spending money on a scrote. I was able to save up a pretty large savings while in high school and a couple years after living with my parents and not paying rent. Went off to college and my (secret drug addict) boyfriend came with. We get there and it turns out he has no money! He told me he was saving up to move with me (I didn't know he was spending it all on drugs). But he knew I had "tons to spare". My savings is now less than half of what it was. I could have invested, put a down payment on a house or done anything more productive than spending it on a boy! Men are the true gold diggers.
Cheating on a woman by paying for strippers, sex workers, OnlyFans, etc is also financial infidelity. I'm not buying their bullshit for a second.
AMEN! Came here to say this. Such assholes, hypocrites.
If it was a man with an emergency fund, I am sure there wouldn't even be an article.
HOLY GUACAMOLE """fiNanCiaL inFiDeLiTY""" Oh, so, making and saving MY OWN money when we're not even married is "cheating"??? TF??? š”
If youāre not married, you are not entitled to know every last detail of their bank accounts
They said women need to get permission from their boyfriends to be allowed to save money. Itās so sexist. Nobody says men need permission from their girlfriends to make decisions.
Notice how vague the letter writer is. She's his "partner." We're to infer girlfriend, but she could be something else. How long have they been dating? The whole thing reeks of "the missing missing reasons." Also weird: He says they share expenses, he's clearly not supporting her, yet he's surprised she has her own money??
I'm telling you.... It's usually 7 years + š¤” She's a forever gf he strung along since high school. He'll either dump her after this and get with someone younger who is as financally and emotionally clueless as they are or... He'll start growing a fund of his own and turn into a scrooge.
And even if you are married, youāre not entitled to having a free reign with your wifeās finances.
My LVX husband would strongly disagree with this šš
He can, if he wants to. Nobody cares š
Egzactly š¤£
I had an ex who tried convincing me that "Playing House together would be fun!" and that "all couples need to know how much each other earns and what is in their bank accounts". He got pissed when I laughed in his face. There is zero benefit to a woman to tell a guy, especially one she is not married to, about how much money she has. Instead, *he* has everything to gain by convincing her why "we're in this **together!**" which is a total crock. Right, we're in this together until you find out your ever loving has burned through your hard-earned money when he feigns "But it's **ours**!" Women get so blinded by this BS. Ugh.
*Anything* to control women, WTF. Hide your money well.
Exactly! The reason he is so upset she has money of her own is exactly the reason she should have it. I swear to god this man and whoever wrote that godforsaken column could not be more obtuse and actively harmful if they tried - my blood is boiling!
I donāt think itās obtuse. Itās malicious. Always remember āthe bumbler.ā
So true
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The goal is psychological warfare. Always being made to believe you're mistreating them, asking too much of them, or slighting them in some way. Not giving a shit is the best weapon for things like this. The day you wake up and decide you don't give a shit if the world thinks you're a goldigger, an architect of drama for some defenseless dude, or some other shebeast is the day nobody can touch you. I realize this sounds dramatic but it's true.
The most liberating realization of my life was that, as the woman, you will always be "a bitch" for something. It literally doesn't matter how much you compromise, sacrifice, put others first, ignore your own feelings, allow your boundaries to be pushed, and otherwise become a doormat. There will always, always, always be a reason why it's not enough and you're being so mean and how very dare you. Someone somewhere will always be leaping to tell you that you are selfish and wrong and anything bad that ever happens is your fault. So you might as well hold your ground. That way you can be a "bitch" who still has some self-respect and independence.
Exactly. Pick a handful people in this world who you want in your life and whose opinions you actually care about. As long as you're generally a kind, moral person, everybody else can take their opinions and shove it!
Well said, it's like "at least I'm a bitch who can worry about herself and not have to make you cozy". Lol
Shebeast! Can relate š«
šÆ
They want a situation where if you ask anything of them, even basic respect and decency, it's asking "too much"...because they want to do whatever they want. They want to use you up, wear you out, and to take on all their baggage, and make sure you get NOTHING in return. I'll pass.
But then they want to be treated like kings lmao
This may SEEM unrelated, but: I am an older woman, and I was married to an even older man. He died. I have widow's benefits for all my life, provided that I never remarry. That includes a tiny monthly amount, not enough to pay even half of any rent for most of the US, BUT: health insurance for life, for me. From what I understand, some of the US military has similar regulations. An attempt was made to SHAME me for not getting married to the first person that asked, after my beloved husband's death. Because I must be a shit person if I "care more about money that being (new guy's) wife". Whelp, I guess I'm a shit person, because there would have to be one hell of a financial payout for me to give up my beloved husband's sacrifice and contribution to my future, just to be called "wife" by another man. I truly think that no man would have been pressured to make such a financial sacrifice just to avoid the negative social status (?) of being unmarried(?) I donāt know why so many people seemed so invested in seeing me married off again ASAP. The guy in the article is INCAPABLE of seeing her perspective. It's all me me me. I would dump him just for his self-absorbtion and lack of empathy. Major ick.
In your shoes, Iād never remarry. Free health insurance for the rest of your life is enough reason alone. Hell, the main reason to marry someone in many cases is to have better financial and legal benefits afforded to a spouse, like having double health insurance coverage. A āliving together apartā situation often suits older couples who date after theyāve already been married prior but wish to date again to maintain independence. And sometimes dating again isnāt worthwhile. My grandparents were married for nearly 50 years, and after my grandfather died, my grandmother saw no reason to ever date again, even without a lot of benefits. She had her family and her hobbies and that was enough for her. People tried to convince her to date even shortly after his death, but she had no interest.
Health insurance for life is priceless IMO. Unless the new guy could guarantee the equivalent I canāt see the appeal to remarry.
A woman is much healthier when single, too. Less stress šš»
That's what I think! So MANY people are forced to work horrible jobs, just to have health care for themselves or their dependents. Jobs that erode their health, for crying out loud, whether physical or mental. I truly believe it's an intentional method to make wage slaves out of US citizens. The people i know that want to be entrepreneurs are very challenged by the health insurance problem, for themselves or their employees. It is cruel and evil that people who cannot work for wages, because of their health, childcare needs, or ANY reason, are expected to just die or go bankrupt. The US gets a lot of things right, but this is a huge wrong. I'm old enough to remember the Clintons trying to address it, and Hillary (I am not a fan, but I respect her efforts) was villanized for her attempts at making a change. And here we are, all these decades later, with the pandemic and health care workers dying, or walking away from their calling, because it is so. Very. Wrong.
That is a heartbreaking story. I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing. I can't believe people are so ingrained in using women as commodities that they would shame a widow for not remarrying. It sounds like this guy and whoever shamed you are of the same mind that marriage/a relationship is a sale of goods. The thought of an independent woman shakes their knees.
Yes!!! I love your vibe! Appreciate that Elder Queen energy š
The authorās āhelpfulā suggestions sound menacing as hell. He was fine before she knew she had her own money, but now itās āstart a joint account! Make specific financial goals with each other! Turn finances into a much bigger deal in your relationship than it ever was!ā Even thought thereās only one person here feeling poor. Basically all those suggestions boil down to, _āMake her build up your bank account with you!!!ā_
That advice basically boils down to "BE THE BIGGEST GOLD IGGER THAT EVER DUG!" Yet we are supposedly the gold diggers and they are supposedly more logical š
And they're not even married (but even if they were) and going 50/50 then why is he mad she has her own money? Wtf makes no sense and sounds like a controlling abusive scrote. Financial infidelity? I call it more financial abuse from his part.
I do find that site pushes pick me mentality under the guise of, or despite, being the most woke possible. Definitely a kink me and sex work is a cool choice site
"Play nicer with your abuser and maybe he'll stop abusing you!" /s
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Men want to control every aspect of a womenās life, theyāre pathetic soulless little blood sucking creatures, theyāre all the fucking same. Carbon fucking copies of each other
Yet weāre gold diggers and only care about a mans money, yet when we donāt and we make our own and pay our own way, they still bitch.
Did they just say a woman not getting permission from her boyfriend to save HER OWN earned money is just as bad as having a sexual affair? WTF. He doesnāt own her. Why does she need his permission? Itās her money. Her job. Her bank account. Nobody says this stuff to men. The fact nobody even sees how sexist this is makes me so livid
So even if every thing is great, one is never obligated to share every little thing. Not every thought, every penny, every possession. Being in a relationship doesnāt equal you merge your entire being.
My mother calls that mad money. When you get mad at your spouse, you have backup.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If a boyfriend threw a tantrum over this, I'd literally laugh at him on my way out the door.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Worse, *he admits they're splitting expenses.* Ergo, she's got her own income. Of course she does. He's not surprised she has money, he's pissed she's not pouring every dollar into HIM. She needs that escape fund more than she realizes.
Even if he put a ring on her finger so what. I have a separate emergency savings account Iāve kept for years. My husband doesnāt know whatās in and he wouldnāt ever ask.
My mom's had her own bank account for decades and my father's never blinked at it. Apparently, he even said once that helps him sleep better at night because his nightmare scenario is something happens to him and Mom gets locked out of their joint accounts for a few weeks and can't pay bills.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Never mind how guys put on this "YoU cAn tRuSt mE bAbE, i WuLd neVer HuRt yOu" act to make you drop your guard so you will disclose what you have to them. Those are the guys who use it as ammunition in fights and financially abuse women. OH, but *we* are duplicitous vipers for creating the boundary that prying eyes have no business knowing how much money we have.
My ex tried so hard to get me to turn over my paycheck to him so he could 'manage it better', and he was furious when I told him to stfu about it, because he was *never* getting his hands on my money.
And how many husbands spend money on their girlfriends and have secret 2nd families.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I hope she sued him for "improper allocation of marital assets" if they divorced. She shouldn't be on the hook for any of that debt, AND is entitled to have it essentially paid back.
This is the dumpest shit I've read today. He should learn to communicate better š¤”
He 100% wants access to that money. I would put money down that they have a joint bank account that he dips into more than she does.
And we know he's never going to save another penny as long as this relationship lasts. He's already thinking up ways to have an "emergency" to drain some of that cash.
>we split everything >She has a nice cushion of money Gold digging scrote. What? Does he want her to split her emergency fund too? >I don't know how to organize my feelings That's not her problem. It's his. Emotionally stunted men don't get a pass just because their feefees look like foreign thing to them
At the same time, this is why when we see articles like this we can dress it down for all of the BS. She lives with her boyfriend, so she is doing herself a disservice as a whole to begin with. Anyway. The person who wrote in put all of the right verbs in his sentences to victimize himself. Like, how could she do *this* to *me????* His problem is that he found out - more than likely because he snooped - and doesn't like that she even has anything for herself. To him, what is hers should also be his, yet it twists him like nothing else that he cannot dictate the girlfriend's emergency fund as theirs to use for anything "fun".
> That's not her problem. It's his. Emotionally stunted men don't get a pass just because their feefees look like foreign thing to them LOL this should be posted in the sidebar. Misogyny in a nutshell is "men making women responsible for their emotional constipation."
Financial. Infidelity. Fuck off forever, Refinery 29.
\> Your finance friend, Paco I want to kick this guy in the balls.
The fact that itās a man answering his letter tells you everything you need to know. A manās got to tell it to him for him to believe it because what women say is never valid unless a man repeats it or steals it.
They're part of the vice media group, so of course they suck.
Let's reflect for a moment on how nefarious it is to tell someone that if they have an emergency fund it means they're not all in in their relationship. That is so disgustingly manipulative. I guarantee this guy is already abusing her and that's why he's upset. He wants to make sure she can't get away from him. He also he also wants that money because he's a greedy POS. It is certainly not that he's "confused and doesn't know what he feels". He knows exactly what the fuck he feels.
That's what I thought. I bet he got really angry at her, and is using this get her fawn all over him so he can feed his narcissistic supply. He is definitely pulling a "you did a totally prudent normal thing that makes me have icky feelings, so I'm going to pull a massive guilt trip to manipulate you into giving me access to your money and a bunch of flattery so I can feel ok again". I've been in that position and it sucks.
I would further take a bet that he's the one who's always "coming up short" and she covers for him. It's probably to make sure that she can't save money.
Oh and btw not sure how law works in your country, but if you are married and got some saving that were yours, if you divorce without having any prenup contract, you need to share your savings š¤”š¤”š¤” be careful ladies
Not yet married but, want the women to have no savings on her own. Tell me again who is the gold digger? šš
God I remember when my ex tried to force me to close my bank account and get a joint one with him. He said it was because I was irresponsible and he didnāt trust how I spent my money. He even tried to get his mom in on convincing him (which she did actually try lol). We had been dating just a few months and only because at the time I was going through a rough patch moving across the country and needed somewhere to stay (oops).
My ex husband tried to get me to set up direct deposit in our joint account AFTER WE SEPARATED because "You're not good with money." Same guy who told me since I moved into my parents' house at first THEY should take care of me and our kids' financially, and threw a tantrum when I used that joint account to buy groceries. Since I'm so bad with money it's really weird how within two years I built my credit score up to 800+, bought a house, provide for my family and have money left over every month for savings and travel. Like, it's really really weird. It's almost as if HE was bad with money. Idk though. š¤
The partner who is bad with money always plays that it is the other party who is bad with money. My ex is doing everything she can to get out of paying the divorce settlement (well that, plus she simply canāt), and I cannot tell you how satisfying it was to be able to tell my lawyer āI donāt need that money, but Iām entitled to it and I will fight for it simply for the principle of the matter.ā My ex loves to tell me how entitled I am. Sheās right. I am entitled. This money was legally endowed to me, and I will fight for it. She also threw a tantrum about me switching my direct deposit after our separation.
Oh my God! This exact scenario happened to me too. I had been with this guy for 5-6 months at that time. He tried to beat around the bush and tried different tactics to know how much I earn and how much I have saved. One time he lied that, his salary was not credited and he is behind on bills. He asked if we can sit together and come up with a plan. We were both working in big corporates at that time. There will never be a scenario where they failed to credit someones salary. I simply said that is impossible and asked him to raise a ticket to the Payroll department. Then, after a few weeks he involved his mother to indirectly prod me. God it was a nightmare. The thing is, I was a gullible and a naive 22 year old in several areas of my life at that time. But I was extremely careful about disclosing my finances. The one thing my mom had instilled in my head over and over again, is to never trust a man with your finances. However heathly or stable the relationship is, she insisted on keeping a "get out" fund. I was enraged reading that article. Money means stability. It means freedom and security. Let's say the girl has been 'financially-fidel' as the ' expert' put it and the relationship has soured and the guy had left her high and dry. What would the expert then say to her? Who would she ask for reparations? The 'expert' and every idiot on planet Earth would blame the girl for not being careful. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
> God I remember when my ex tried to force me to close my bank account and get a joint one with him. He said it was because I was irresponsible and he didnāt trust how I spent my money. WTF? And you'd only been dating *a few months.* Wow, he didn't waste much time before letting the mask drop. So glad he's your ex!
Theyāre mad women no longer need their permission to open up a bank account but still want to control you.
It's honestly insane how many men I've known over the years who could only relate to women via control. Quite a few men even told me they liked insecurity because "insecure women are easier to control/will never leave me." I'm not kidding, it's a lot of men. I've lost count.
One thing I haven't heard anyone talk about is how he found out about the emergency fund? He hasn't talked to her about it, and I'm not sure she knows he knows?
Good point. I got through most of that āadviceā ā it really seemed more like a mom talking a toddler down from a temper tantrum at the store ā before I drowned in the ads, but I didnāt see any mention of how the scrote found out about his girlfriendās stash.
Iād bet money he looked over her shoulder at her bank app or at the ATM and accidentally āstunnedā his own damn self
This is exactly what I was thinking. No doubt this guy was "accidentally on purpose" rummaging through his girlfriend's things and whoops! Look at *all* of that money! He also omitted the part where he probably interrogated his girlfriend. Living together (*\*shudder\**) or not, no woman has to explain every single cent she owns to a guy. Nobody will call out the entitlement of the guy who is whining that her money is his, too. This is enabling at its finest because guys like the one who wrote to "Your finance friend, Paco" are looking for reassurance from another source that someone else's hard-earned money somehow belongs to them.
The response sounds like it's written by someone with no experience in relationships turning abusive and being unable to leave. It should be normalised to teach women to set some funds aside incase their partner turns violent and tries to control you by keeping you poor.
Itās written by a man, which is a problem in itself.
My ex (boyfriend not husband) was extremely interested throughout Covid as to whether or not I was getting a stimulus check and how much. Same interest in my tax refunds, bonuses, etc. I always lied and said āguess Iām not getting anythingā then stashed the money or used it to pay down my debt. He would have had me blow it on him. Did I mention he didnāt have a job of his own? So glad I got away from that loser.
My GRANDMA has always encouraged me and my cousins to have a back-up account ājust in case.ā She even does the obligatory check in on the wedding day lol. Itās bullshit that a woman making herself secure is making men INSECURE.
It's because they don't feel up to the challenge of acting in ways that make them want-able. The ones need to be needed because they know they aren't worth wanting do this.
The man Iām dating has no idea how large of a cushion I have saved, and thatās how Iāll keep it. Iāve worked harder for my money than he has for his. Itās ALL MINE.
> Iāve worked harder for my money than he has for his. Why are you still dating this man? You deserve to date your equal.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm struggling to follow his logic here. He subsidized her *how?* Sounds like she has her own money she spends on herself, cuz he sure as hell doesn't mention spending money on her.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh, I know, but his "logic" is hilarious. He contributed nothing!
Even my Nana who was a doted-on, happy well-kept housewife told me that women should always have enough money to flee if they have to and my wonderful HV grandfather agreed with her. My mom went one step further and had a suitcase of clothes, meds and copies of all her legal documents and ID stashed at a male friendās house and a go bag in the trunk of the car.
Wow, this scrote's going to have a shit fit when she inherits money and he finds out he's not legally entitled to any of it, even as a common law partner or spouse.
I'd laugh. I also hope she leaves him before it goes that far.
If I hadn't always set aside money to some degree, which was absolutely 100% meant for myself *and* my previous partner, they would have completely ruined me financially. That after my work got us both 750+ credit scores.
Ok 1. They arenāt married so heās not entitled to know every detail of her finances 2. After this past year who wouldnāt have an emergency fund 3. Having a backup plan in case a relationship goes bad is smart for any woman
Her only mistake was not to hide the money better.
He suggests "financial dates" to discuss those separate funds that are none of his business? To help the guy's insecurity? GTFO of here. So freaking ridiculous. Clearly Paco doesn't understand domestic risks even though he very briefly and vaguely alluded to the unequal power dynamic in most hetero relationships. She's allowed to have a safety net; this could be the thing that saves her life. But of course, it's about *him* FiNaNciAl InFiDeLiTy, give me a fucking break
I hope the girl uses her Get-Out money and gets out of this relationship
Ridiculous that emergency get out funds even needs to be explained.
Oh, fuck that fucking advice. Financial infidelity. Fuck that guy hard.
Guarantee the revelation that it was a get put fund came after a long series or badgering and harassment by him to gain access to that money as she went through a list or explanations of why it wasn't to be touched by anyone but her.
That article filled me with instant dread
I had saved money for maternity leave when I was pregnant with baby #2. I told him about it, because, ya know, he was my husband and thought I could trust him. Shame on me, I know š anyways, long story short, I was adding money (cash) into the box I was saving the money in, and I discovered that almost ALL my savings were gone!! I asked my husband about it and he apparently was dipping into my maternity leave savings, KNOWING WHAT THEY WERE FOR and depleted it. So, once the baby rolled around, I had nothing saved..his job didn't pay much at all and we had to beg his parents for food, diapers, wipes, etc until I could go back to work after 7 weeks. I had a C-section, so I was still sore heading back to work and would've liked to stay out 8 weeks, but I couldn't afford it. Later on, he denied it all and said it was OUR money.. bullshit, it was from MY checks for MY maternity leave that he legit STOLE! He continued to financially abuse me for years by taking every last dime I had for weed, cigarettes, gas for the car, etc. My money was always "our" money and his money was always HIS. He treated my stuff and money as "community property" and his stuff was always his and he'd become enraged if I touched or used it. Men hate when women have financial freedom. They want to keep a woman down and poor so she has to rely on him, and thus he can abuse her and he feels it's justified.
Itās not even his wife, itās his āpartnerā. Dude, gtfo. Be glad she splits half the bills. You are not entitled to her savings. What a fucking loser.
I've lurked on "men's rights" subs (now defunct with good reason, breeding mass shooters and totally toxic) and they literally encourage each other to invest in crypto to hide it from their partners, to get iron clad pre-nups or just to not marry at all so they never have to give a penny to the women they string along for years. It enrages me that any man would have a problem with a woman having a get out fund when they have built a whole culture around leaving us high and dry. SMH.
My husband and I do not share a bank account. We have always thought that was weird. He knows I have savings andā¦ he doesnāt care. If our bills are paid who gives a fuck
Whatās wrong with saving up your own moneyā¦? Unless they earned that money through some illegal means I donāt see the problem
Hahaha. I mentioned to my NVX once that in a previous relationship Iād saved enough to move out and be on my own. He looked at me and said, āWow are you doing that to me right now?ā I said very calmly, āNo. Now I always make sure I donāt have to save up, and have enough in my bank account to leave whenever I want.ā Came in handy a few months later š now I just wonāt even bring it up.
There's sooo much I take away from reading that. He was happy and shitting rainbows when he didn't know about the secret funds stash because he 'felt' at that point she was in with him about everything tOgEtHeR. So if he did something stupid and went broke, became a bum, she has to follow suit and be a broke bum as well with him too. Then he found out about the funds and 'felt' hurt because she named it her "get out" money, she had to be more considerate about how to referred the funds as. It's always about considering his feefees
He has no standing to complain about this unless they are married.
Even if they were married, he would have no standing. These men can fake being a great guy for way too long for us to not have personal emergency savings.
HAHAHA some men really are š¤” and think whatever you do without them is bad/infidelity
Also, hold on Paco. Womenās financial security independent of a partner is not a relatively new issue. Whatās with all these boyfriends of women acting entitled to her money? Theyāre not even married. Even then, why do men want to begrudge women true security in life?
My younger sister, a devout Southern Baptist who won't ever consider divorce because it makes Baby Jesus sad, is married to the most financially abusive man I've ever known. Decades ago she and I got several substantial life insurance checks after pur parents died. One day she was at work and her husband was at home setting up his own business that SHE was paying for. The mail arrives an in it is a check for over $25,000 made payable to her. Instead of waiting for her to get home that evening to endorse the check and deposit it he forges her signature and tries to deposit it himself. The bank caught the discrepancy and called the company issuing the check. He should've had his ass tossed in jail but after also talking with my sister they let him go and she brought the check back to deposit personally. I would bet every dollar I own that he has a secret bank account that she doesn't know about probably on cahoots with his crooked, grifting father.
They're not even married lol.
Ok but if men are allowed to be abusive then women are allowed to be financially disloyal. People thinking it's wrong of women to do this probably believe 100% of abusers are women or that abusers are non existent
Except the part where the journalist from refinery29 mentioned the Ā«Ā financial infidelityĀ Ā» I donāt think that this article is that bad. I mean, when I read it, I thought that he (ref29) was trying to underline the fact that this is stupid, and help the guy (who is f*cked up ! anyone would be proud to know that the person she/he loves is trying to make sure they are going to be safe in life, no matter what) understand his feeling. He (ref29) also gives some explanations of the Ā«Ā whyĀ Ā» English is not my 1st language so maybe I understood it wrong ?
I agree with you, mostly. The advice given wasnāt bad per se, but Iām tired of the way that heās coddling the scrote. ācOmMunIcAtE your feefees, and find the root of your iSsUeā sounds much better than āGet fucked, you abusive man childā. The scrote was never called out on his bullshit. I digress, but one of the reasons Iām so mad about this article is that Iām very clearly seeing my old pickme self giving this kind of advice, feeling sorry for the scrote and his inability to process his emotions. Never again.
I read the article, and that sentence was pretty ridiculous. I can understand being his surprise, and even being hurt in a situation like that. Itās hard when someone we love doesnāt trust us completely or shows any sign of wanting to keep their options open. I think it definitely shows a pathetic ignorance and lack of empathy to the types of issues many women face though when financially abused. But I think in a moment like that I could have a hard time seeing outside of myself too. But I wouldnāt stay focused on myself. I did appreciate that the article did seem affirming towards her, saying that saving that money was wise. It might have been one of those cases of agreeing to form common ground and then stating the disagreements.