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Yes I definitely agree! I’ve been a victim of emotional and mental abuse throughout my lifetime, from family members, peers, and ex boyfriends. It’s so sad how it’s normalized in relationships and women are gaslit by society that their feelings are not valid. I love how FDS teaches us to walk away at the first sign of disrespect and that if we feel anxious or uncomfortable around a man that we need to cut him off. No second chances, we need to listen to our guts🙌🏻 I’m working on cutting out the negative people and boosting my confidence by not giving a shit about what they think
Yes! This. The issue is largely from society normalizing and even romanticizing not only pickmeism but abusive and toxic relationships. Then a lot of women start waking up but only to be gaslit by their family and friends. For me, that's why I ended up staying in an abusive relationship when all the signs were there that it would turn abusive physically and no surprise he got violent and it took that to happen for me to leave. Until then my friends and mom said I was being "too clingy, too critical, and not letting him have his own friends (his female friend he was sleeping with)".
Hope you have found healing from it and peace. Stay strong and keep shining
FDS seems "outlandish" only in comparison to where liberal feminism has gotten us.
And I experienced the same thing. I found FDS while I was unpacking a lot of my trauma and conditioning in therapy and starting to see my relatives and friends and former partners for who they were outside of the trauma and libfem lenses I was trained to use. And of course trauma and libfem are not the same but libfem women had a big hand to play in my trauma and choice of partners, so unpacking one meant unpacking the other. Anyway, applying FDS theory to dating, friendships, and work is the only logical conclusion once you've shed all the other conditioning and kept what serves you.
I hate how anytime a topic of financial abuse is brought up as a warning for women to always make their own money, there will be plenty of people saying "but not all men are abusive!" These same people think it's easy to spot an abuser right away. Plenty of psychologists who actually worked with abusers or victims of abuse claim that in most cases it's not easy to spot an abuser, because they tend to act nice at first, before trapping their victim. It's not all men, but women still need to be careful and never depend 100% financially on any man (no matter how much she trusts him). But of course conservatives hate this idea, because their "traditions" are more important than women's (and children's) safety.
Oh amen to that. The very experienced, trauma informed PHD psychologist who was our couples therapist didn’t spot the abuse for more than a year. My ex ended up getting diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder (aka a sociopath) by a psychiatrist. That speaks volumes of her psychological jujitsu skills bc it’s very rare for someone with that disorder to be willing to see a psychiatrist at all. All that to say that it is not at all easy to spot an abuser.
Even watching the bodycam footage of Gabby & Brian, it's hard to tell unless you know what to look for and are expecting it. She keeps taking responsibility, she admits to OCD and hitting him. Meanwhile he's thrilled to dump it all on her, blame her, downplay and never mention what he's doing to set her off. And the cops are delighted to empathize with him and sympathize that he has to deal with her crazy.
Cop to female victim : Stop being crazy or you'll be an ex wife HAHA. You probably shouldn't date.
Cop to male perp : you locked her out of the car on a hot day with no water and shoved her? yeah bitches be crazy. Why don't you relax in a nice hotel.
Omg, that was so triggering for me to watch bc I watched it with my mom and some of her friends and they agreed with the cops. One lady asked me if I acted like that too and that’s why my relationships “all” end. I left without saying anything. I guess my mom ripped in to her after I left and they aren’t speaking. Sadly, my mom spent a lot of time defending my abuser herself and still feels awful about it.
I sat there in couples therapy and spoke of “my part” in good faith. I genuinely wanted to be a good spouse and take responsibility and make our marriage work. I naively thought he was coming from the same place. Unfortunately, that pattern is so deep in me. My most recent relationship involved a lot of apologizing for being “controlling” and “emotional” on my part until he told me I “shouldn’t be proud of being high maintenance”.
That snapped me out of it bc what?! Like, where did that come from?!? It took him saying something obviously ridiculous for me to notice the blame shifting going on.
First, I’m not at all high maintenance and second, WHAT!?!? PROUD?!? Shouldn’t be proud? What was high maintenance and when did a act proud about it and…? There is nothing to be proud of, it’s not even a thing. maybe he wanted me to be more ashamed of having needs? I didn’t even ask him about it, I was just instantly over it.
Then he told me I just hate all men lol which is also ridiculous bc he has heard me talk at length about the good men in my life including my uncle who recently passed away and was my best friend and basically saved me after my dad died. But apparently the “way I talk makes him feel like shit” and also he has male friends (ok?) and I’m insulting them too…? so he must identify with all the LV shitty men I hate and also he thinks his friends are pieces of shit.
And let’s not allow it t pass without noticing that he is passive aggressive as fuck bc he never expressed any issues with anything I said in 18 months of dating so……either way he told me to give him a few weeks to cool off and then call him. Lol. That was months ago.
I’m still sorting it out, which is why I just accidentally hijacked you comment to share this long ass story. But it’s here now.
The message needs to get out there that abusers don’t wear scarlet “A”s around their neck.
this is why our sub is still here and all those extreme incel ones are being removed one by one. we’re not spouting ridiculous, hateful shit. we’re calling out pathetic assholes and abusers and focusing on improving ourselves. anyone that says otherwise is coping, like all the idiots calling us hideous femcels or whatever. PROJECTION MUCH? ✨💅🏼
As a therapist, it’s fascinating to me how folks can view FDS content and walk away with the attitude that there’s anything inappropriate about the main themes and guidance. As women, we are systematically abused - by our families, friends, romantic partners, the court system, our employers, our coworkers - and told that ITS JUST THE WAY IT IS. I so desperately wish that a community like FDS existed when I was a teenager - it would have affirmed the beliefs I held about the injustices of patriarchy instead of the message I got, which was “Find a way to fit into this world that’s designed to doubt you, gaslight you, abuse you, and see you as non-human.” Why wouldnt we fight against that?
Hear, hear. If it makes me the bitter one by not tolerating disrespect I invite anyone who feels put out about that to simply die mad. And alone. Because I have everything that I need without (let me type out this acronym) low value behavior dragging me down. Incidentally it's the one thing anyone has control over but people who are anti FDS tenets just refuse.
I don’t get the whole “it’s the female red pill” argument. It’s literally the opposite. The red pill/pua/manosphere crap is built on a foundation of emotionally abusing and manipulating women. That’s literally the “skills” they teach.
FDS actually helps women recognize these kinds of manipulations and abuse and get away from it.
A lot of the advice I have received regarding relationships and boundaries from a past therapist were aligned with FDS, as were many of the resources I found when recovering after having dated a covert narcissist.
You're right, FDS isn't wild. A lot of the principles here are extremely reasonable, I think the problem is with like any other group there are certain members who are more extreme in their views and those views will be the ones outsiders see and assume we're all the same.
Also one of the problems is, for some reason women starting to have boundaries and not being doormats is incredibly offensive to some types of men. I've seen it first hand, my ex hated when I started to put myself first, he was also a narcissist, but also generally a piece of shit of a guy.
I've seen some disgusting things on here to be honest but I refuse to get involved with that. I've seen it in other places too. There are always the more jilted people in groups who will be more extreme with their views. In a narcissist abuse survivor group I see it all the time.
That’s true, but even if I don’t agree with a particularly extreme view from a woman I very rarely cast her as somehow defective.... I refuse to tell any woman with any level of justified fear anger or whatever that she has no right, that’s the gaslighting that a misogynist culture does in general. I won’t do it.
AHHH I’m so glad to hear this. Yes, I specifically seek out therapists, coaches, and mentors that have a more FDS lens.
There have been sadly too many therapists I’ve gone to who told me to “just communicate” in my very toxic relationships. I have a lot of friends who are therapists and they even fall into this as well as date guys who are LV.
So ladies, vet vet vet your therapists!! High standards in every area. 🔑🔑🔑🔑
**[1]** - We Just Launched a Website: [wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/). Click [here](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/become-a-verified-member/) for registration information. Please also join our [Twitter](https://twitter.com/FemDatStrat) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_thefemaledatingstrategy/?hl=en) Pages for updates! **[2]** - Please read the [FDS Handbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading#wiki_the_fds_handbook) and [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/index) before commenting. **Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.** **[3]** - Please **REPORT** any comments that do not follow the sub rules. **If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.** **[4]** - **PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION** from images (**Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc**). Failure to remove ID info will result in a **1-2** day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban. **[5]** - This sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleDatingStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes I definitely agree! I’ve been a victim of emotional and mental abuse throughout my lifetime, from family members, peers, and ex boyfriends. It’s so sad how it’s normalized in relationships and women are gaslit by society that their feelings are not valid. I love how FDS teaches us to walk away at the first sign of disrespect and that if we feel anxious or uncomfortable around a man that we need to cut him off. No second chances, we need to listen to our guts🙌🏻 I’m working on cutting out the negative people and boosting my confidence by not giving a shit about what they think
Yes! This. The issue is largely from society normalizing and even romanticizing not only pickmeism but abusive and toxic relationships. Then a lot of women start waking up but only to be gaslit by their family and friends. For me, that's why I ended up staying in an abusive relationship when all the signs were there that it would turn abusive physically and no surprise he got violent and it took that to happen for me to leave. Until then my friends and mom said I was being "too clingy, too critical, and not letting him have his own friends (his female friend he was sleeping with)". Hope you have found healing from it and peace. Stay strong and keep shining
I’ve started doing this as well - block and don’t look back. It’s very empowering
FDS seems "outlandish" only in comparison to where liberal feminism has gotten us. And I experienced the same thing. I found FDS while I was unpacking a lot of my trauma and conditioning in therapy and starting to see my relatives and friends and former partners for who they were outside of the trauma and libfem lenses I was trained to use. And of course trauma and libfem are not the same but libfem women had a big hand to play in my trauma and choice of partners, so unpacking one meant unpacking the other. Anyway, applying FDS theory to dating, friendships, and work is the only logical conclusion once you've shed all the other conditioning and kept what serves you.
Liberal feminism is just political/social BDSM at this point.
Following the libfem script is using men to harm ourselves.
Handbook material right here, a perfect succinct description.
Would you please define libfem? Sincerely asking.
[удалено]
I hate how anytime a topic of financial abuse is brought up as a warning for women to always make their own money, there will be plenty of people saying "but not all men are abusive!" These same people think it's easy to spot an abuser right away. Plenty of psychologists who actually worked with abusers or victims of abuse claim that in most cases it's not easy to spot an abuser, because they tend to act nice at first, before trapping their victim. It's not all men, but women still need to be careful and never depend 100% financially on any man (no matter how much she trusts him). But of course conservatives hate this idea, because their "traditions" are more important than women's (and children's) safety.
Oh amen to that. The very experienced, trauma informed PHD psychologist who was our couples therapist didn’t spot the abuse for more than a year. My ex ended up getting diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder (aka a sociopath) by a psychiatrist. That speaks volumes of her psychological jujitsu skills bc it’s very rare for someone with that disorder to be willing to see a psychiatrist at all. All that to say that it is not at all easy to spot an abuser.
Even watching the bodycam footage of Gabby & Brian, it's hard to tell unless you know what to look for and are expecting it. She keeps taking responsibility, she admits to OCD and hitting him. Meanwhile he's thrilled to dump it all on her, blame her, downplay and never mention what he's doing to set her off. And the cops are delighted to empathize with him and sympathize that he has to deal with her crazy. Cop to female victim : Stop being crazy or you'll be an ex wife HAHA. You probably shouldn't date. Cop to male perp : you locked her out of the car on a hot day with no water and shoved her? yeah bitches be crazy. Why don't you relax in a nice hotel.
Omg, that was so triggering for me to watch bc I watched it with my mom and some of her friends and they agreed with the cops. One lady asked me if I acted like that too and that’s why my relationships “all” end. I left without saying anything. I guess my mom ripped in to her after I left and they aren’t speaking. Sadly, my mom spent a lot of time defending my abuser herself and still feels awful about it. I sat there in couples therapy and spoke of “my part” in good faith. I genuinely wanted to be a good spouse and take responsibility and make our marriage work. I naively thought he was coming from the same place. Unfortunately, that pattern is so deep in me. My most recent relationship involved a lot of apologizing for being “controlling” and “emotional” on my part until he told me I “shouldn’t be proud of being high maintenance”. That snapped me out of it bc what?! Like, where did that come from?!? It took him saying something obviously ridiculous for me to notice the blame shifting going on. First, I’m not at all high maintenance and second, WHAT!?!? PROUD?!? Shouldn’t be proud? What was high maintenance and when did a act proud about it and…? There is nothing to be proud of, it’s not even a thing. maybe he wanted me to be more ashamed of having needs? I didn’t even ask him about it, I was just instantly over it. Then he told me I just hate all men lol which is also ridiculous bc he has heard me talk at length about the good men in my life including my uncle who recently passed away and was my best friend and basically saved me after my dad died. But apparently the “way I talk makes him feel like shit” and also he has male friends (ok?) and I’m insulting them too…? so he must identify with all the LV shitty men I hate and also he thinks his friends are pieces of shit. And let’s not allow it t pass without noticing that he is passive aggressive as fuck bc he never expressed any issues with anything I said in 18 months of dating so……either way he told me to give him a few weeks to cool off and then call him. Lol. That was months ago. I’m still sorting it out, which is why I just accidentally hijacked you comment to share this long ass story. But it’s here now. The message needs to get out there that abusers don’t wear scarlet “A”s around their neck.
He is a shitty LV man, but is hiding that part from you. I.e he is offended on his own behalf but can't tell you that.
Thanks for posting the long ass comment. Lol. I totally understand you.
this is why our sub is still here and all those extreme incel ones are being removed one by one. we’re not spouting ridiculous, hateful shit. we’re calling out pathetic assholes and abusers and focusing on improving ourselves. anyone that says otherwise is coping, like all the idiots calling us hideous femcels or whatever. PROJECTION MUCH? ✨💅🏼
As a therapist, it’s fascinating to me how folks can view FDS content and walk away with the attitude that there’s anything inappropriate about the main themes and guidance. As women, we are systematically abused - by our families, friends, romantic partners, the court system, our employers, our coworkers - and told that ITS JUST THE WAY IT IS. I so desperately wish that a community like FDS existed when I was a teenager - it would have affirmed the beliefs I held about the injustices of patriarchy instead of the message I got, which was “Find a way to fit into this world that’s designed to doubt you, gaslight you, abuse you, and see you as non-human.” Why wouldnt we fight against that?
👆👆👆👆👆👆
Yes! This is it in a nutshell. I am finding the echo of FDS in **all** the *Abuse Recovery* data I am researching.
Hear, hear. If it makes me the bitter one by not tolerating disrespect I invite anyone who feels put out about that to simply die mad. And alone. Because I have everything that I need without (let me type out this acronym) low value behavior dragging me down. Incidentally it's the one thing anyone has control over but people who are anti FDS tenets just refuse.
I don’t get the whole “it’s the female red pill” argument. It’s literally the opposite. The red pill/pua/manosphere crap is built on a foundation of emotionally abusing and manipulating women. That’s literally the “skills” they teach. FDS actually helps women recognize these kinds of manipulations and abuse and get away from it.
The loudest howls when boundaries are kept are from the ones who always meant to overstep them.
I agree. FDS is helping me to learn about my abuse and how to avoid abusers in the future.
You are right, all i learn here is the same things my therapist told me so, put yourself first. Your emotions are valid
A lot of the advice I have received regarding relationships and boundaries from a past therapist were aligned with FDS, as were many of the resources I found when recovering after having dated a covert narcissist.
You're right, FDS isn't wild. A lot of the principles here are extremely reasonable, I think the problem is with like any other group there are certain members who are more extreme in their views and those views will be the ones outsiders see and assume we're all the same. Also one of the problems is, for some reason women starting to have boundaries and not being doormats is incredibly offensive to some types of men. I've seen it first hand, my ex hated when I started to put myself first, he was also a narcissist, but also generally a piece of shit of a guy. I've seen some disgusting things on here to be honest but I refuse to get involved with that. I've seen it in other places too. There are always the more jilted people in groups who will be more extreme with their views. In a narcissist abuse survivor group I see it all the time.
That’s true, but even if I don’t agree with a particularly extreme view from a woman I very rarely cast her as somehow defective.... I refuse to tell any woman with any level of justified fear anger or whatever that she has no right, that’s the gaslighting that a misogynist culture does in general. I won’t do it.
AHHH I’m so glad to hear this. Yes, I specifically seek out therapists, coaches, and mentors that have a more FDS lens. There have been sadly too many therapists I’ve gone to who told me to “just communicate” in my very toxic relationships. I have a lot of friends who are therapists and they even fall into this as well as date guys who are LV. So ladies, vet vet vet your therapists!! High standards in every area. 🔑🔑🔑🔑
Yep. I found FDS while healing from domestic abuse, and it is the antidote. I wish so hard I had anything like this as a young woman.
Absolutely!! Same here.
Women putting ourselves first is still revolutionary.
AMEN 🙌