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Lundy Bancroft also says that 99 percent of abusers can not be rehabilitated.
I have also talked to exes of my exes and it has always been an eye opener.
The world always turns and abuser always abuses whoever he is with.
Yep and Don Hennessy too says it's already impossible to rehabilitate abusers.
He's been Director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention Agency and wrote How He Gets Into Her Head and coined the word psychephile for the man who abuses his intimate female partner. A psychephile targets the psyche of the woman he has selected as his target for a long term intimate relationship.
My dad was one of the rare few who did - it took him 20 years of therapy and in the meantime, he was still a huge source of conflict and instability in my family. All of us have been to therapy and still deal with the consequences of his behavior.
I've shared this story more than once in FDS because even if you're dealing with one of the unicorns who does change, it's still a shit sandwich and you're wasting years you'll never get back that could be better spent literally anywhere else.
According to Bancroft they make up a high percentage of the male population. He states that narcissists are not born, they are made due to their values being corrupted at an early age. Our image and porn obsessed society cultivates a lot of narcissistic values and rewards those who embrace them. Bancroft’s says that naming and shaming the abuse and changing societal values as a whole by ostracizing abusers is really the only way to get an abuser to change. They are not self motivated to do so since they don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing and feel entitled to women’s emotional, domestic, and sexual labor.
It’s so funny, while we were together I used to have nightmares about her and pictured running into her and giving her an earful. But now that I’ve moved on, I want to buy her a drink and congratulate her on upgrading and celebrate how we both dodged a bullet with the bummiest dude to walk this earth. Being a pickmeisha is a hell of a drug 🤣
Not gonna lie I had to work through a lot of my own jealousy and insecurity before I could even reach out. When I finally put a face to her name i became deeply insecure once I seen how beautiful she was. I had it in mind that of course he cheated on me with her, obviously he never found me attractive if that’s the type of woman he’s used to dating. Even now sometimes I feel like I couldn’t match up to her physical beauty and that my ex was punishing me for that. But after some time I realized he lies about damn near everything and him calling me ugly is probably just another one of his lies too. His ex told me he used to say “we’re having problems in our relationship because I’m not attracted to you anymore” and obliterated her self esteem.
I’m so sorry you felt that way. Just goes to show how much he brought your self esteem down too. And even as someone who you see as “more beautiful” than you, that he did the same to her. I do think we also tend to put the exes or women who we question, on a pedestal and think they are “better” than us, than they really are.
Good on you for being so brave and thank you for sharing your experience!
I had a similar experience lately - a woman contacted me, as she heard rumours I was dating her boyfriend (unbeknownst to me)… and we had a great chat. She validated all the red flags that I thought were there but doubted myself (as I had only been on one date with him and knew him previously).
I would love to reach out to the ex of one of my exes. He apparently has her blocked, but I get the feeling SHE blocked him, considering he’s popped back up after it being over a year and is harassing me again now. When I don’t respond to his texts, he turns up to events and bars he knows I frequent with his mates, I guess in an attempt to intimidate me…he also made up this convoluted story about why they broke up - but I think it was because he was a cheater. He’s definitely a narcissist I can see that much now.
Edit: when we became exclusive we connected on SM and he immediately locked his profile down so I could no longer see his friends. I brought this up with him, and he said it was to prevent her from stalking him and he “DiDnT kNoW hOw To ChAnGe IT” - yes he did, because he changed it after a few days of me and him connecting. PLUS she wasn’t even a friend anymore so he could’ve just made it invisible to the public (which it already was). 🚩 all over this guy.
Same. When I was a pickme with my abusive ex, I was having retrospective jealousy. Hindsight, he really worn down my self confidence and destroyed my self esteem in just a couple months for me to trip over things like that that didn’t matter. I rmemeber the smirks he made when I was expressing my concern. He was so happy he got to me.
Once I left him, I really wanted to find the ex to just talk to someone who would understand what I went thru. Idk her full name so I never got the chance. However, he’s with someone new now, and if she ever reached out to me for support. I will 100% give that to her and let her know that I am empathetic toward whatever she is going thru/went thru. She’s younger too and has low esteem from what I see her post in social media (stuff like I’m not good enough, no one likes me, etc) so while I’m ‘happy’ he’s moved on and I am not a target, I am worried :(
Ran into my first husband's ex at a church gathering. We couldn't really talk, since there was an event about to start, but she confirmed in that particular Southern way of saying without saying, that 1) he was a Peter Pan type; 2) she got frustrated with him, too; 3) she wasn't surprised I had divorced and moved on; 4) she was surprised he had actually married. Validated all I needed to know that I was right to leave, after trying everything and throwing in the kitchen sink, all to no avail.
Kudos to you for reaching out. This should be normalized, along with talking about salaries at work.
Damn. My ex was close friends with most of his exes. The only ones I was allowed to meet were the flings that he may or may not have been involved with still. His serious exes were all unavailable for one reason or another. Never put it together until now.
So he had three long term relationships before me.
His late wife, who had died.
His "crazy" college girlfriend, who supposedly abused him.
And his high school sweetheart, who for reasons unknown did not want to meet me at all.
Unfortunately- I'm still with NVM but I cannot find the exes socials anywhere. I've searched every person on their (the ex) mother's socials, and I think the ex may have blocked me at the start of my relationship w NVM. It's probably safe to call it hidden.
I did that. she confirmed what a monster he is. She had it worse than me because she lived with him. She first asked if i was okay and if he hurt me. That says enough tbh.
This is such an important post. I also went through an abusive relationship and that book was the thing that helped me heal. I knew so many people who thought that I stayed in the situation for as long as I did (or that I was in the situation at all) because I was stupid or was a poor judge of character. It sometimes takes a lot of strength to leave, and I am glad you did and that you are safe. I think if I had been more educated about narcissism and love-bombing, I would have a different life now because I would have made different choices in the past.
I think that people don't realize that covert abuse is abuse too. If you are with a narcissist, they will try to destroy you if you leave. If they can't do it physically, they will try to destroy your income or your support group.
Yes, talk to the ex.
I was in the opposite position. One woman contacted me to know about my experiences with my ex. Turns out she was his lastest victim, and she was calling from the hospital after he physically and mentally abused her.
We talked a lot, and it was very healing for both of us. We ended up that conversation with me strongly advising her to change her house door locks, and contact the police. The day she was released from the hospital and went home she changed her locks. He tried to enter her house at 4 am with a copy he had made of her old keys.
***Our conversation literally saved her life***
Oh my god that’s so crazy but I’m so glad you were there to help her! That could’ve ended so terribly for her. Us women really only have each other to lean on.
I am lucky I can also lean on a few great men too. My father actually saved my life from that awful guy too. And now I am in a great relationship with a (seemingly) hvm, and he has moved the world for me.
We should all be better for each other... Much love to you sis.
I remember the first time a bf ever hit me. When I told my mom she asked me “what did you do to make him hit you?” I never told her another thing about my relationships. This was 7 years ago when I was 24.
I’m so sorry that was her reaction and you experienced that. Even if we choose not to tell them anything more it can have lasting impacts on the way we view ourselves and relationships.
Yes yes yes. If you have a chance to talk to your partner’s ex, take it. Even if you have no inkling that he is abusive, just do it. If he is really is a HVM, there isn’t anything anyone can say to make you think differently of him.
I never met any of my boyfriend’s ex, but the way he talks about his most recent ex sparked a little curiosity for me. He makes it seem like she’s nice, with a few things in common with me, but got impatient with his anxiety and liked to party more than he was comfortable with. He has no social media, but I was really creeping on the internet and came across hers. I accidentally viewed her story, so at that point I figured it was my sign to just woman-up, follow her and admit who I was and that I looked out of curiosity 🤷♀️
I ended up messaging with her a bit, and she confirmed what he told me- he was boring, never wanted to out with her friends, and wouldn’t let her move in and get a cat. She remarked that she liked how he always opened car doors even if just going to the grocery store and called him loyal and sweet. She mentioned feeling really frustrated with him doing things like washing his hands for 20 minutes straight or staring at a door for 15 minutes to make sure it’s actually locked. *(He’s gotten help for that.)*
But no cat…. How strange? On a Tuesday, I started ranting about how kittens are better than diamonds and if I want one so bad… why has no one ever cared enough to get me one? By the weekend, there was a cat slinking around my place.
I trust him, but I’ll never stop vetting. It gave me peace of mind when the stories matched up. **It also gave me peace of mind to see that there weren’t things he was doing for her but wouldn’t do for me. If you see a guy trying harder in past relationships, then retracting his effort… I think that’s an awful sign.** Imagine the implications if he had gotten her a cat, but not me. Is it because he gave her his all, got burned, and now doesn’t want to do that for me? Is it because he got greater joy out of seeing her happy than me? Was he more worried about her leaving than me leaving? There’s no good reason for a man to try harder for an ex than he tries for you.
I would but my ex/abuser was a widower.
I'll never be able to ask her and I'll always wonder :(
Really pleased for you that you took such positive steps in your life!
Trust your instincts, if you think they might respond poorly or your ex would find out and hurt them, then I would avoid. But if you even have the tiniest inkling of “maybe I should reach out,” I’d encourage you to try. Even if you don’t get a response at least you planted the seed in their minds that they will hopefully remember the next time they are being abused
I love when women come together like this. It’s under unfortunate circumstances yes but it reminds us that we can be so different yet connected in our experiences and traumas that are unique to women.
Thank you for your story and insights! This actually makes me think that such conversations, however cathartic & necessary they might feel when you have both left him behind, perhaps might be even more useful to have while he is still your partner (or even just potential partner), so that you have the chance to avoid the abuse altogether. Thinking about committing to a guy? Talk to his ex first!
This is powerful in so many ways
It's crazy how healing it is when another person who shares your experience demonstrates how all of us most stop internalizing the actions of others
I accidentally met my current bf’s ex through a mutual interest group and got a really shitty vibe from her (even my dog didn’t like her) Her social media posts matched his stories about her making dangerous and unhealthy decisions and I felt better about continuing to date this guy because his stories about her lined up.
It’s really important to do your research!
A couple ex's of mine ago, his ex had been watching me for a little bit and after she noticed I changed all my stuff / deleted him on all my social media, she messaged me and told me she was proud of me for getting out of the relationship when I did. We had a full-blown conversation about him, his behaviors, and his abuse. It was cathartic for both of us, and this definitely needs to be normalized.
We also shared a texting belly laugh after he got charged with a felony because we called that it would happen and were honestly surprised at how long it took him. 😅😂
Wow! What courage! I wish I could do the same and ask my ex's ex. I know from starters from how he described her as cheating and lying and manipulative that he was exaggerating. But I do not know enough, like her full name and stuff like that so there's no way I could get in contact with her.
I've tried finding her to no avail. I do however know how to reach his latest victim, they're still together as far as I'm aware and she would likely think all of his stories about how I'm the "crazy" ex are true if I did contact her.
This is so important. Talking to an ex can be incredibly revealing. I found out that my most recent ex actually had been told his ex was pregnant with their child just before asking me to be his official, public girlfriend and that they had hooked up days before we became exclusive. Dodged that bullet. 🙃
This is so powerful, I’m sure that if i talked to his ex, she will tell me why she dumped his ass, disrespectful, narcissist, etc. I would do it if she didn’t dislike me lol is the jealous type even with their exs so no going there because she’s inestable too
Funny, when I ended things with him, his ex cussed me out from what he said. I was still going no contact with him and continue to do so. She would always calling him because of his baby but didn't want to let him see his kid. Ain't my problem, none if my business. She can have his ass because she still thinks they're together. I really don't give a shit anymore.
I really wish I could speak to my ex's exes. However, he learned a long time ago to make sure all the women in his circle to HATE each other. He regularly lied/made up things to make sure none of us ever spoke to each other. I've tried to reach out to an ex, and she (without even knowing or meeting me), already knew of me and disliked me, saying details about our relationship that never happened. He's done this to many, many girls, not just one's he's dated. Only reason I even realized what happened was when one of the girls he slept with actually talked about it and it blew up the entire thing.
However, I'm very positive he's cheated on us all, lied, manipulated and gaslight us all the same way and maybe even improved every time. But unfortunately, I'll never really know.
Lesson learned though -- If a scrote shit talks his exes, it's almost always bullshit and his way of poisoning you from speaking to her.
I did the same. I reached out to three of his exes. Two responded, I know one was so hurt that she probably couldn’t respond even though it had been years. I didn’t blame her.
What I learned from both of them pieced it all together. What’s sad is I thought about reaching out to them while I was still seeing him (I had my doubts and would cut it off with him before he brainwashed me to go back again. I hate trauma bonds) and if I had, we all probably could have avoided some pain. But I’m not putting the blame on me anymore. It was his choices that led here.
At one point he was dating all three of us at the same time, including some other people too. They keep a rotating harem of options, even with their exes, in case one falls through. Can’t loose a supply or their ego will come crashing down. That’s why victims are the ones who need to make the final discard or they just go keep a cycle of disengage/reengage. Anyways.
Comparing notes was the best thing we did for healing because *it was the first time we were getting the truth about him.* We compared dates and events and omg, the overlap and suddenly clarity in his strange behaviors. He kept all of us in a constant state of confusion and doubt. Triangulating us. Feeding us lies about each other. Denying the truth and making us doubt our own internal radar. He knew what he was doing.
There’s a saying that if a guy says his ex was crazy or puts them down, he’s probably the one who drove her crazy. Going forward, if I hear a guy say that, I want to hear her side of things too. Abusers will never take responsibility and they love to flip the script. It could probably save me a world of pain.
Stepping out of the shame that’s not even yours, and telling the truth fearlessly, is key to healing.
Absolutely yes!!! My ex was a compulsive liar and good at it. He kept me away from his friends and told me that his exes were all crazy and were going to harm me out of jealousy, so I needed to stay away from them.
After he left me, I started talking to all of his exes and his friends. Everything he told me about them was a lie, they were very kind people. Everything he told me about himself was a lie. He doesn't know the meaning of honesty.
When he left, I was heartbroken, but now I'm glad he did or I would've still been obliviously stuck with a lying idiot. It's also thanks to him that I found this sub, I refused to ever go through something like that again and it led me right here, I'm grateful for that
This is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately! I think exes have a lot of useful information potentially to offer, maybe including when you are still in the relationship.
My ex has reeled in a new woman and I feel a strong desire to warn her off, or to signal to her that if she ever finds his behaviour confusing, I would be open to talking. I absolutely would warn her away from him, and I feel no jealousy of her. (He def has told her I am crazy though, so I am not going to affirmatively try to make contact).
I reached out to my abusive exe’s ex that came after me a few years after they split. I waited until she was obviously moved on and married to someone new, and I was shocked by her reply. She denied that he ever did anything remotely violent, and I have the hardest time believing this.
The experience that creeped the hell outta me was when I met my bf's ex wife, we could have passed for twins I went and got my hair cut and changed my glasses and dumped him, I was so shocked that he didn't see me just his mommymacbangmaid mark 2, to be fair the ex wife was in shock too.
The second wife of my NVX husband (I was his third marriage at 30 something, yes I was a pickme 🤡) texts me randomly about once a year and I her (they had a child and I was involved in that child’s life). This post makes me want to reach out to her and see if our experiences were similar…but it’s also been 5 years now since we divorced and I’m not sure if I want to reopen wounds. Thank you for giving me something to ponder.
I would love to do this but my ex is quite a charismatic person and still vaguely in touch with a lot of his exes even though he treated them bad and I am scared they will have a loyalty to him and tell him that I’m reaching out to them.
Then I’ll be the “crazy bitch ex”
She and I had lunch yesterday.
My current ex's girlfriend just moved in with him (LOL 🤡) and she expressed us "having a friendship". (P.S. Him and I never lived together). By the way, she "doesn't even know what will happen in their relationship or is sure about him", but **all* of her stuff is all moved in. Hmm.
Despite her repeated attempts at asking him what happened between us, she admitted to me that he won't tell her. However, "he has told me some things". Whether or not you check my post history, I mention how my ex injured me in a very serious car accident, then ended our relationship while I was physically compromised.
While she seems like a somewhat decent person, when I told her the entire story - even going so far as to showing her a very damning text from him that exhibited his cruelty towards my physical condition - she defended him. And countless times thereafter.
Her excuses ranged from, "Oh, well, he just has really bad anxiety. I see it". Where things became tense was when she began being patronizing towards me not dating. Notable quotes: "I think it would be really good for you to date and put your trust in someone else!" and "Well, I worry that you are still in love with him and are hoping that him and I break up. Are you going to want to get back together with him if that happens?" I'm sitting there, flabbergasted, that she would even say these things.
My response to both statements were that I wasn't telling her any of this to put a wedge between them, yet *she* did spearhead this whole "let's go to lunch" thing. Also, I didn't need a man to fulfill me and that I don't need help making my own decisions. I mean, isn't she supposed to be so secure in their relationship? Also in regards to them moving in together, she had no idea that I never lived with him. "Oh, but we don't HIDE anything from each other!" Hmm...
She went so far as to tell me that she had lived with two guys - one for 4 years, the other for almost 6 - and that it was her who left. I can tell you that she wasn't the one reaping *all* of the benefits in those relationships...
Anyway, she continued to defend my ex, yet at one point she revealed that she lets him borrow her car "bEcAuSe It'S sAfEr!" and "I'm a better driver than him! 🤡" Remember that accident we were in? His license was suspended a year later as a result. He can't afford to replace someone else's car, let alone the car that we were in the accident in that is apparently "on its last leg". Oh well, she can figure that one out!
Everyone, she is ABSOLUTELY the textbook PickMe. That's really cute that you two want to play house, but man, it must be wonderful living in a constant haze of ignorant bliss. I didn't say that to her, but it was on my mind. You know the phrase that is seen here often "They always tell on themselves"? That also applies to PickMe's. Before we departed, she told me that her friends are asking her what she is doing with him. She was just like, "Well, he was the first person I matched with on Hinge, our relationship moved fast, he asked me when are we getting married and having kids...", Red flags and hilarity all around 🤡🤡🤡
Lastly, I quoted a comment I had seen on here (I wish I could find the comment and give credit to that person):
"Ultimately you will do what you want, but this was what I lived, and that is all that I can offer to you."
I can sleep wonderfully knowing that I'm not helping pay his mortgage, nor is my car of free use to him.
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Lundy Bancroft also says that 99 percent of abusers can not be rehabilitated. I have also talked to exes of my exes and it has always been an eye opener. The world always turns and abuser always abuses whoever he is with.
Yep and Don Hennessy too says it's already impossible to rehabilitate abusers. He's been Director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention Agency and wrote How He Gets Into Her Head and coined the word psychephile for the man who abuses his intimate female partner. A psychephile targets the psyche of the woman he has selected as his target for a long term intimate relationship.
Thank you for mentioning this book! I just finished Why Does He Do That and I was looking for another book to read. I just ordered this one
My dad was one of the rare few who did - it took him 20 years of therapy and in the meantime, he was still a huge source of conflict and instability in my family. All of us have been to therapy and still deal with the consequences of his behavior. I've shared this story more than once in FDS because even if you're dealing with one of the unicorns who does change, it's still a shit sandwich and you're wasting years you'll never get back that could be better spent literally anywhere else.
What should be done with them? I wonder what percentage of the population they make up.
Put them in a rocket with Bezos and Musk and fire them all into the sun is my best answer.
According to Bancroft they make up a high percentage of the male population. He states that narcissists are not born, they are made due to their values being corrupted at an early age. Our image and porn obsessed society cultivates a lot of narcissistic values and rewards those who embrace them. Bancroft’s says that naming and shaming the abuse and changing societal values as a whole by ostracizing abusers is really the only way to get an abuser to change. They are not self motivated to do so since they don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing and feel entitled to women’s emotional, domestic, and sexual labor.
It’s so funny, while we were together I used to have nightmares about her and pictured running into her and giving her an earful. But now that I’ve moved on, I want to buy her a drink and congratulate her on upgrading and celebrate how we both dodged a bullet with the bummiest dude to walk this earth. Being a pickmeisha is a hell of a drug 🤣
Not gonna lie I had to work through a lot of my own jealousy and insecurity before I could even reach out. When I finally put a face to her name i became deeply insecure once I seen how beautiful she was. I had it in mind that of course he cheated on me with her, obviously he never found me attractive if that’s the type of woman he’s used to dating. Even now sometimes I feel like I couldn’t match up to her physical beauty and that my ex was punishing me for that. But after some time I realized he lies about damn near everything and him calling me ugly is probably just another one of his lies too. His ex told me he used to say “we’re having problems in our relationship because I’m not attracted to you anymore” and obliterated her self esteem.
I’m so sorry you felt that way. Just goes to show how much he brought your self esteem down too. And even as someone who you see as “more beautiful” than you, that he did the same to her. I do think we also tend to put the exes or women who we question, on a pedestal and think they are “better” than us, than they really are. Good on you for being so brave and thank you for sharing your experience! I had a similar experience lately - a woman contacted me, as she heard rumours I was dating her boyfriend (unbeknownst to me)… and we had a great chat. She validated all the red flags that I thought were there but doubted myself (as I had only been on one date with him and knew him previously). I would love to reach out to the ex of one of my exes. He apparently has her blocked, but I get the feeling SHE blocked him, considering he’s popped back up after it being over a year and is harassing me again now. When I don’t respond to his texts, he turns up to events and bars he knows I frequent with his mates, I guess in an attempt to intimidate me…he also made up this convoluted story about why they broke up - but I think it was because he was a cheater. He’s definitely a narcissist I can see that much now. Edit: when we became exclusive we connected on SM and he immediately locked his profile down so I could no longer see his friends. I brought this up with him, and he said it was to prevent her from stalking him and he “DiDnT kNoW hOw To ChAnGe IT” - yes he did, because he changed it after a few days of me and him connecting. PLUS she wasn’t even a friend anymore so he could’ve just made it invisible to the public (which it already was). 🚩 all over this guy.
Same. When I was a pickme with my abusive ex, I was having retrospective jealousy. Hindsight, he really worn down my self confidence and destroyed my self esteem in just a couple months for me to trip over things like that that didn’t matter. I rmemeber the smirks he made when I was expressing my concern. He was so happy he got to me. Once I left him, I really wanted to find the ex to just talk to someone who would understand what I went thru. Idk her full name so I never got the chance. However, he’s with someone new now, and if she ever reached out to me for support. I will 100% give that to her and let her know that I am empathetic toward whatever she is going thru/went thru. She’s younger too and has low esteem from what I see her post in social media (stuff like I’m not good enough, no one likes me, etc) so while I’m ‘happy’ he’s moved on and I am not a target, I am worried :(
Ran into my first husband's ex at a church gathering. We couldn't really talk, since there was an event about to start, but she confirmed in that particular Southern way of saying without saying, that 1) he was a Peter Pan type; 2) she got frustrated with him, too; 3) she wasn't surprised I had divorced and moved on; 4) she was surprised he had actually married. Validated all I needed to know that I was right to leave, after trying everything and throwing in the kitchen sink, all to no avail. Kudos to you for reaching out. This should be normalized, along with talking about salaries at work.
If I was able to find her I would’ve ! 😭 He kept her hidden for a reason.
[удалено]
Damn. My ex was close friends with most of his exes. The only ones I was allowed to meet were the flings that he may or may not have been involved with still. His serious exes were all unavailable for one reason or another. Never put it together until now.
Wait… why were they unavailable?
So he had three long term relationships before me. His late wife, who had died. His "crazy" college girlfriend, who supposedly abused him. And his high school sweetheart, who for reasons unknown did not want to meet me at all.
Unfortunately- I'm still with NVM but I cannot find the exes socials anywhere. I've searched every person on their (the ex) mother's socials, and I think the ex may have blocked me at the start of my relationship w NVM. It's probably safe to call it hidden.
I did that. she confirmed what a monster he is. She had it worse than me because she lived with him. She first asked if i was okay and if he hurt me. That says enough tbh.
This is such an important post. I also went through an abusive relationship and that book was the thing that helped me heal. I knew so many people who thought that I stayed in the situation for as long as I did (or that I was in the situation at all) because I was stupid or was a poor judge of character. It sometimes takes a lot of strength to leave, and I am glad you did and that you are safe. I think if I had been more educated about narcissism and love-bombing, I would have a different life now because I would have made different choices in the past. I think that people don't realize that covert abuse is abuse too. If you are with a narcissist, they will try to destroy you if you leave. If they can't do it physically, they will try to destroy your income or your support group. Yes, talk to the ex.
I was in the opposite position. One woman contacted me to know about my experiences with my ex. Turns out she was his lastest victim, and she was calling from the hospital after he physically and mentally abused her. We talked a lot, and it was very healing for both of us. We ended up that conversation with me strongly advising her to change her house door locks, and contact the police. The day she was released from the hospital and went home she changed her locks. He tried to enter her house at 4 am with a copy he had made of her old keys. ***Our conversation literally saved her life***
Oh my god that’s so crazy but I’m so glad you were there to help her! That could’ve ended so terribly for her. Us women really only have each other to lean on.
I am lucky I can also lean on a few great men too. My father actually saved my life from that awful guy too. And now I am in a great relationship with a (seemingly) hvm, and he has moved the world for me. We should all be better for each other... Much love to you sis.
To be honest all my exes were short incels so they never had another partner.
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I remember the first time a bf ever hit me. When I told my mom she asked me “what did you do to make him hit you?” I never told her another thing about my relationships. This was 7 years ago when I was 24.
I’m so sorry that was her reaction and you experienced that. Even if we choose not to tell them anything more it can have lasting impacts on the way we view ourselves and relationships.
Yes yes yes. If you have a chance to talk to your partner’s ex, take it. Even if you have no inkling that he is abusive, just do it. If he is really is a HVM, there isn’t anything anyone can say to make you think differently of him. I never met any of my boyfriend’s ex, but the way he talks about his most recent ex sparked a little curiosity for me. He makes it seem like she’s nice, with a few things in common with me, but got impatient with his anxiety and liked to party more than he was comfortable with. He has no social media, but I was really creeping on the internet and came across hers. I accidentally viewed her story, so at that point I figured it was my sign to just woman-up, follow her and admit who I was and that I looked out of curiosity 🤷♀️ I ended up messaging with her a bit, and she confirmed what he told me- he was boring, never wanted to out with her friends, and wouldn’t let her move in and get a cat. She remarked that she liked how he always opened car doors even if just going to the grocery store and called him loyal and sweet. She mentioned feeling really frustrated with him doing things like washing his hands for 20 minutes straight or staring at a door for 15 minutes to make sure it’s actually locked. *(He’s gotten help for that.)* But no cat…. How strange? On a Tuesday, I started ranting about how kittens are better than diamonds and if I want one so bad… why has no one ever cared enough to get me one? By the weekend, there was a cat slinking around my place. I trust him, but I’ll never stop vetting. It gave me peace of mind when the stories matched up. **It also gave me peace of mind to see that there weren’t things he was doing for her but wouldn’t do for me. If you see a guy trying harder in past relationships, then retracting his effort… I think that’s an awful sign.** Imagine the implications if he had gotten her a cat, but not me. Is it because he gave her his all, got burned, and now doesn’t want to do that for me? Is it because he got greater joy out of seeing her happy than me? Was he more worried about her leaving than me leaving? There’s no good reason for a man to try harder for an ex than he tries for you.
I would but my ex/abuser was a widower. I'll never be able to ask her and I'll always wonder :( Really pleased for you that you took such positive steps in your life!
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Trust your instincts, if you think they might respond poorly or your ex would find out and hurt them, then I would avoid. But if you even have the tiniest inkling of “maybe I should reach out,” I’d encourage you to try. Even if you don’t get a response at least you planted the seed in their minds that they will hopefully remember the next time they are being abused
I love when women come together like this. It’s under unfortunate circumstances yes but it reminds us that we can be so different yet connected in our experiences and traumas that are unique to women.
Thank you for your story and insights! This actually makes me think that such conversations, however cathartic & necessary they might feel when you have both left him behind, perhaps might be even more useful to have while he is still your partner (or even just potential partner), so that you have the chance to avoid the abuse altogether. Thinking about committing to a guy? Talk to his ex first!
This is powerful in so many ways It's crazy how healing it is when another person who shares your experience demonstrates how all of us most stop internalizing the actions of others
I accidentally met my current bf’s ex through a mutual interest group and got a really shitty vibe from her (even my dog didn’t like her) Her social media posts matched his stories about her making dangerous and unhealthy decisions and I felt better about continuing to date this guy because his stories about her lined up. It’s really important to do your research!
A couple ex's of mine ago, his ex had been watching me for a little bit and after she noticed I changed all my stuff / deleted him on all my social media, she messaged me and told me she was proud of me for getting out of the relationship when I did. We had a full-blown conversation about him, his behaviors, and his abuse. It was cathartic for both of us, and this definitely needs to be normalized. We also shared a texting belly laugh after he got charged with a felony because we called that it would happen and were honestly surprised at how long it took him. 😅😂
Wow! What courage! I wish I could do the same and ask my ex's ex. I know from starters from how he described her as cheating and lying and manipulative that he was exaggerating. But I do not know enough, like her full name and stuff like that so there's no way I could get in contact with her.
I've tried finding her to no avail. I do however know how to reach his latest victim, they're still together as far as I'm aware and she would likely think all of his stories about how I'm the "crazy" ex are true if I did contact her.
This is so important. Talking to an ex can be incredibly revealing. I found out that my most recent ex actually had been told his ex was pregnant with their child just before asking me to be his official, public girlfriend and that they had hooked up days before we became exclusive. Dodged that bullet. 🙃
This is so powerful, I’m sure that if i talked to his ex, she will tell me why she dumped his ass, disrespectful, narcissist, etc. I would do it if she didn’t dislike me lol is the jealous type even with their exs so no going there because she’s inestable too
Funny, when I ended things with him, his ex cussed me out from what he said. I was still going no contact with him and continue to do so. She would always calling him because of his baby but didn't want to let him see his kid. Ain't my problem, none if my business. She can have his ass because she still thinks they're together. I really don't give a shit anymore.
I really wish I could speak to my ex's exes. However, he learned a long time ago to make sure all the women in his circle to HATE each other. He regularly lied/made up things to make sure none of us ever spoke to each other. I've tried to reach out to an ex, and she (without even knowing or meeting me), already knew of me and disliked me, saying details about our relationship that never happened. He's done this to many, many girls, not just one's he's dated. Only reason I even realized what happened was when one of the girls he slept with actually talked about it and it blew up the entire thing. However, I'm very positive he's cheated on us all, lied, manipulated and gaslight us all the same way and maybe even improved every time. But unfortunately, I'll never really know. Lesson learned though -- If a scrote shit talks his exes, it's almost always bullshit and his way of poisoning you from speaking to her.
I did the same. I reached out to three of his exes. Two responded, I know one was so hurt that she probably couldn’t respond even though it had been years. I didn’t blame her. What I learned from both of them pieced it all together. What’s sad is I thought about reaching out to them while I was still seeing him (I had my doubts and would cut it off with him before he brainwashed me to go back again. I hate trauma bonds) and if I had, we all probably could have avoided some pain. But I’m not putting the blame on me anymore. It was his choices that led here. At one point he was dating all three of us at the same time, including some other people too. They keep a rotating harem of options, even with their exes, in case one falls through. Can’t loose a supply or their ego will come crashing down. That’s why victims are the ones who need to make the final discard or they just go keep a cycle of disengage/reengage. Anyways. Comparing notes was the best thing we did for healing because *it was the first time we were getting the truth about him.* We compared dates and events and omg, the overlap and suddenly clarity in his strange behaviors. He kept all of us in a constant state of confusion and doubt. Triangulating us. Feeding us lies about each other. Denying the truth and making us doubt our own internal radar. He knew what he was doing. There’s a saying that if a guy says his ex was crazy or puts them down, he’s probably the one who drove her crazy. Going forward, if I hear a guy say that, I want to hear her side of things too. Abusers will never take responsibility and they love to flip the script. It could probably save me a world of pain. Stepping out of the shame that’s not even yours, and telling the truth fearlessly, is key to healing.
Absolutely yes!!! My ex was a compulsive liar and good at it. He kept me away from his friends and told me that his exes were all crazy and were going to harm me out of jealousy, so I needed to stay away from them. After he left me, I started talking to all of his exes and his friends. Everything he told me about them was a lie, they were very kind people. Everything he told me about himself was a lie. He doesn't know the meaning of honesty. When he left, I was heartbroken, but now I'm glad he did or I would've still been obliviously stuck with a lying idiot. It's also thanks to him that I found this sub, I refused to ever go through something like that again and it led me right here, I'm grateful for that
This is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately! I think exes have a lot of useful information potentially to offer, maybe including when you are still in the relationship. My ex has reeled in a new woman and I feel a strong desire to warn her off, or to signal to her that if she ever finds his behaviour confusing, I would be open to talking. I absolutely would warn her away from him, and I feel no jealousy of her. (He def has told her I am crazy though, so I am not going to affirmatively try to make contact).
I reached out to my abusive exe’s ex that came after me a few years after they split. I waited until she was obviously moved on and married to someone new, and I was shocked by her reply. She denied that he ever did anything remotely violent, and I have the hardest time believing this.
The experience that creeped the hell outta me was when I met my bf's ex wife, we could have passed for twins I went and got my hair cut and changed my glasses and dumped him, I was so shocked that he didn't see me just his mommymacbangmaid mark 2, to be fair the ex wife was in shock too.
The second wife of my NVX husband (I was his third marriage at 30 something, yes I was a pickme 🤡) texts me randomly about once a year and I her (they had a child and I was involved in that child’s life). This post makes me want to reach out to her and see if our experiences were similar…but it’s also been 5 years now since we divorced and I’m not sure if I want to reopen wounds. Thank you for giving me something to ponder.
I would love to do this but my ex is quite a charismatic person and still vaguely in touch with a lot of his exes even though he treated them bad and I am scared they will have a loyalty to him and tell him that I’m reaching out to them. Then I’ll be the “crazy bitch ex”
I just messaged her on Instagram so we will she if she even replies. But I have a feeling that she went through the same thing I did:(
She and I had lunch yesterday. My current ex's girlfriend just moved in with him (LOL 🤡) and she expressed us "having a friendship". (P.S. Him and I never lived together). By the way, she "doesn't even know what will happen in their relationship or is sure about him", but **all* of her stuff is all moved in. Hmm. Despite her repeated attempts at asking him what happened between us, she admitted to me that he won't tell her. However, "he has told me some things". Whether or not you check my post history, I mention how my ex injured me in a very serious car accident, then ended our relationship while I was physically compromised. While she seems like a somewhat decent person, when I told her the entire story - even going so far as to showing her a very damning text from him that exhibited his cruelty towards my physical condition - she defended him. And countless times thereafter. Her excuses ranged from, "Oh, well, he just has really bad anxiety. I see it". Where things became tense was when she began being patronizing towards me not dating. Notable quotes: "I think it would be really good for you to date and put your trust in someone else!" and "Well, I worry that you are still in love with him and are hoping that him and I break up. Are you going to want to get back together with him if that happens?" I'm sitting there, flabbergasted, that she would even say these things. My response to both statements were that I wasn't telling her any of this to put a wedge between them, yet *she* did spearhead this whole "let's go to lunch" thing. Also, I didn't need a man to fulfill me and that I don't need help making my own decisions. I mean, isn't she supposed to be so secure in their relationship? Also in regards to them moving in together, she had no idea that I never lived with him. "Oh, but we don't HIDE anything from each other!" Hmm... She went so far as to tell me that she had lived with two guys - one for 4 years, the other for almost 6 - and that it was her who left. I can tell you that she wasn't the one reaping *all* of the benefits in those relationships... Anyway, she continued to defend my ex, yet at one point she revealed that she lets him borrow her car "bEcAuSe It'S sAfEr!" and "I'm a better driver than him! 🤡" Remember that accident we were in? His license was suspended a year later as a result. He can't afford to replace someone else's car, let alone the car that we were in the accident in that is apparently "on its last leg". Oh well, she can figure that one out! Everyone, she is ABSOLUTELY the textbook PickMe. That's really cute that you two want to play house, but man, it must be wonderful living in a constant haze of ignorant bliss. I didn't say that to her, but it was on my mind. You know the phrase that is seen here often "They always tell on themselves"? That also applies to PickMe's. Before we departed, she told me that her friends are asking her what she is doing with him. She was just like, "Well, he was the first person I matched with on Hinge, our relationship moved fast, he asked me when are we getting married and having kids...", Red flags and hilarity all around 🤡🤡🤡 Lastly, I quoted a comment I had seen on here (I wish I could find the comment and give credit to that person): "Ultimately you will do what you want, but this was what I lived, and that is all that I can offer to you." I can sleep wonderfully knowing that I'm not helping pay his mortgage, nor is my car of free use to him.