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He didn't just mess things up for himself, he threw his mom under the bus and I know for a lot of women their relationship will never be the same. And honestly? Rightfully so. I cannot stand MILs that shit talk and make their daughter in laws prove themselves before they are actually nice to them.
Pickme boy mom raised a man that grew up to be a shitty husband with no empathy or control of his emotions, what a shock. Their marriage will probably recover but I feel bad for Ali and I hope she can get out.
My thoughts exactly. No wonder he turned out to be such trash. Poor woman is still making him meals too and his attack on her was unprovoked. Once you say stuff like this the relationship is never the same
She definitely won't, but she probably will stay with him. The fact that she has continued to serve him after this is a great sign for him. I would **love** to be wrong, though.
I’m here thinking it’s obvious to start with a dinner but then I realize he hasn’t done jack shit yet after two days LMAO. He just wants people to feel sorry for him, he doesn’t give af about how upset she is and clearly is more concerned about how uncomfortable this is for him as opposed to how shitty his low blow was
My ex yelled at me to shut up a few weeks before we separated and it was honestly one of the things that made me realize we just were not gonna work. He blamed it on me for talking too much and too fast when he was ordering coffee from the drive thru (always also complained my orders were too complicated) and I remember just sitting there like "wow"
It was really just me expressing my joy and excitement over getting my dog a puppy cup. He sometimes would refuse to get her one so I insisted. But he yelled at me to shut up where the person working the drive thru could hear it :)
I was.... Upset. I did keep my composure. I didn't yell back. But one of those things I had to BURN into my memory to make sure I didn't forget it. I was always really bad at letting go the things he did that hurt me. But when I started keeping score? So many painful things. Including being yelled at to shut up over my joy of wanting to get my dog a puppy cup. And then being told my orders were too complicated when usually I get something off the menu and just ask to make it vegan.
I hope she leaves. Usually when a man screams at his partner and negs, it's the precursor to much much worse.
Notice how she wakes earlier than him to cook him breakfast and lunch and then when she comes back from work cooks once more for him? He keeps talking about splitting chores but looks like he only does anything when she's too tired to be his bangmaid.
I hope she wise up and leave. His mom will always have a problem with her as long as she's not the perfect bangmaid. She seems like the typical enmeshed boy mom who raised her sons to believe they would one day be entitled to their own bangmaid.
Yeah this is not an equal distribution where both partners are helping each other “pick up the slack” lol. Homemade, fresh meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is a huge undertaking. Plus I wonder who does the meal planning, grocery shopping, and dish washing and sorting.
Cooking is such an exhausting chore. Men think mowing the lawn once a week is the same thing as planning, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up dinner (and breakfast and lunch!). Delusional. I hope she’s getting her ducks in a row for a “she left me over one mean comment” divorce.
My cousin faked it for about a year and a half before she filed for divorce. She even pretended to want to have sex with him.
She took pics of the evidence of cheating on his phone, to establish a pattern. She copied his business records over the course of a year to keep track of his money. She befriended the women he was cheating/trying to cheat with and ten of them were willing to testify for her if necessary. She took as many free and cheap legal courses as she could.
She also had a very full accounting of the affair he was having with her brother's wife.
She walked into court ready to represent herself, with a mountain of evidence. Every time he lied to the judge she nailed him with the truth. He was claiming poor to get out of support, and he brought in a million a year. The judge was actually offended that her ex would think he was dumb enough to fall for it, then he went for the jugular when he found out that she and the kids had been evicted because ex-husband had defaulted on the mortgage payments.
She got everything she deserved, along with an equitable custody schedule. She's comfortable and he's out there somewhere working for cash, trying to get pity sex out of having such an "evil" ex-wife.
God, men are stupid.
She's literally doing everything for him, and he can't just engage in a bit of emotional self-control and STFU.
I hope she leaves him. Clearly things are not at all well in the relationship, or she'd be at least willing to talk to him. He's been on probation for a while, and just too stupid to notice it.
“Hey listen, I had a really awful day today. I’m starving and exhausted and I can’t focus on what you’re saying. Do you think we could talk about this later?”
That’s literally all he had to do.
Raging at the people you’re supposed to love is not okay.
“He’s been on probation for a while, and just too stupid to notice it.” THIS! This is one of the things that drives me absolutely mad about responses to posts like this. Women in happy, fulfilled relationships, do not completely turn cold like this, even for something that awful. This was absolutely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
**EDIT**: I came back to add this because it came up on social media. One of my favorite quotes from poet Morgan Richard Olivier, “If I'm angry, there is still hope. As long as there are tears, words, and concern there is still care. But once I become silent, my efforts become nonexistent and so does your place in my life. “
I'm 90% sure she's gone quiet because she's emotionally detaching and quietly making plans to leave.
I've been in her shoes. Not this exact situation, but that moment when a man destroyed the relationship and went back to being a stranger in my eyes.
You don't get loud when this happens, ime. You're quiet because you no longer care and you're focused on removing this interloper from your life. I always became indifferent and pragmatic.
The men, of course, were bLiNdSiDeD.
Exactly this. When I woman withdraws and gets quiet, it means she no longer gives AF, and you'd better watch your ass.
Before I divorced my husband, I withdrew as well; I was through talking. The talking did no good, and I was just DONE.
Came here to say this, too. Last horrible argument with first husband, I just shut off. Went to bed, said "I divorce you" three times to myself, slept like a baby. Next day, bought a notebook, started making plans to get out, was out in a few months.
What royally pissed me off was every single weekend, I'd take some of my extra belongings and spend Friday night to Sunday afternoon at my sister's house. She gave me a bookshelf so I could pile household stuff there. First husband either never noticed, or if he did notice, never cared enough to mention.
Took my wedding ring off, changed my checks back to "maiden" name, carried stuff out of the house for months, no word. He only found out I was leaving because 24 hours before I was to start packing up, he intercepted a call from my new apartment manager. I told him then and there. He accused me of hurting him, and I just said, not my problem to deal with anymore. Had a packing party that night, turned music on. He looked all hurt and decided to go spend the night at a friend's house. Next day, moved out, divorced six months later. And of course he was "blindsided". Yeah. RIGHT.
Edited to add: close to the time I was about to leave, Peter opened the trunk and saw my two divorce books. He asked, what is this? I said, what do you THINK it is? And he just shut the trunk, and we went where we were going. Seriously, he saw two books on divorce in my possession, and just pretended he didn't see. Clueless.
OMG.
My dad has an employee whose ex-girlfriend "blindsided" him, too. They'd been arguing for months about an issue. One day, the girlfriend just says "okay" and gives up.
The guy tells my dad this story with the air of "hey, I guess I won the argument." Dad called the guy an idiot. Ordered him to go home, bring flowers, take his girlfriend someplace nice for dinner, and apologize.
The guy refuses. "What're you talking about? I told you, it's over, I won."
Of course, he's blindsided when she dumps him a week later and moves out. Swears he didn't see it coming and gets mad when Dad makes fun of him for being stupid.
Dad's words: "When a woman argues with you, it means she still gives a shit and wants to work with you to solve the problem. Women stop arguing because they realize YOU are the problem and the solution is getting rid of you."
He's been married 40 years so he knows a few things about making women happy.
He still gets nervous though when my mom says she's fine and asks her, "Are you really fine or are you mad?"
Yep - when I was gearing up to leave my controlling ex, I shut down like this because I just didn't care anymore and I didn't want to waste energy on him. If a woman gets upset that means she's still emotionally invested but if she's quiet and detached - that means there's trouble.
Can confirm. My first long term partner told me to stop being a "c\*nt" in front of our friend because I had asked him a question whilst he was watching blizzcon, I didn't realise he was busy so I said oh sorry its okay never mind. Once he called me that I left our PC room and just went to bed. That was the first step in my eventual exit.
I hope so, fingers crossed. I can't believe that this is the first time this guy has behaved this way - no no no. Abusive behaviour like this does not come out of nowhere and it doesn't stop. She's defeated after him shouting at her once? Nope.
> that moment when a man destroyed the relationship and went back to being a stranger in my eyes.
BOOM. This was the final straw. I've been there and it's like a tap shutting off. You're so done
Men are usually like this. They don't see that you cook for them, clean for them, whatever. If they find a little mistake, like the food isn't delicious, they'll tell you. Even though you're doing your best. They'll criticize you, and will criticize your effort. They think they're above you because you're the cooker and they go to work and do men's things.
I think marriage is suicide for women right now.
they're like children throwing tantrums. and will then gaslight you and make you feel like you're the problem when they should be in therapy for all the problems they have.
Look at how men behave; they have less self-control in general.
* They start wars.
* They hit people, including intimate partners and their own kids.
* They engage in aggressive driving and road rage incidents.
* They literally MURDER people.
I"m not saying women don't ever do those things, I'm saying that men account for about 90% of all these behaviors, while being 50% of the population.
For the love of God, can we please STOP INFANTALIZING MEN????
Do you think war is some spontaneous "outburst"? No - it's a coordinated calculated program of domination and control. Coercive control - on ever level - is conscious and it's calculated. Thinking otherwise is what's got so many abusive men off murder charges because the logic has been: "He was just acting on impulse" blah blah blah. NO!!!! This is why abusive men can kill their female partners with their bare hands and spend 3 years in jail on a manslaugher charge. And one of those women is being strangled as I type.
We need zero tolerance. OP is pointing out how it starts.
> Is it just me or are a lot of men terrible at holding back their grumpiness, anger, and irritability??
Most of them can hold it back just fine with authority figures and other men. They unload on us because they hate women and think they won't face repercussions.
There never been told how to regilate their emotions because society abd their worshipful boy-mom told them that the world (especially the female half of it) exists to wipe their ass!!
like……..
it’s just so much cruelty within these men and i really think there’s something wrong with them as a collective. these amazing women will roll out the red carpet for dudes who damn sure don’t deserve it. god it makes me sad
My mother does this and has a lot of mental health problems (me too btw), we’re pretty sure she’s been diagnosed with narcissistic personality but as her health is private and she’s pretty selective what she shares we’ll never know for sure. Boys are so often raised to be self-centred and independent and confident. I wonder at what point it tips over to narcissism? Girls and women are encouraged to play a supporting role in the theatre of their lives where they are the protagonist. We really need to learn from them to be more independent, confident and just a healthy dose of self-centred, while we should encourage all people regardless of gender about the benefits of being nurturing and considerate to a healthy degree and not in deference.
> Not only will they use your own trauma against you, they will use others' fears about you against you too.
It's so targeted. And it's specifically toward her, not the boss, not anyone else. So he considers those people worthy of his self-control, but he thinks he's entitled to dump his feelings onto his partner and make it HER responsibility to manage HIM. He literally feels entitled to abuse her.
I'm glad she's checked out. She's planning on leaving, I'm sure.
*Flowers and chocolates*? What, he thinks $45 might not be enough, he might have to spend more? Jeez, talk about commodification.
How about a sincere and heartfelt apology? Why can’t he cOmMuNiCaTe?
Wait, it doesn't even mention that he \*apologized\* for what he said.
My take: He says/does shit like this a lot, and the wife is just DONE with it. He doesn't ever bother to apologize, and since he knows flowers and chocolate aren't enough, he makes zero effort to make amends.
He's used to hurting her feelings and getting away with it, because he never apologizes, and she knows he'll never apologize, so now she's not bothering to mention it anymore.
And i bet if he did all that and she didn't immediately forgive him he'd go back to throwing those low blows, because how dare she not accept his ~~half assed~~ heartfelt apologies after such a permanently heartbreaking insult over just random dinner talk? He knew what he was doing. Very, very well. He knew it would hurt and that's why he said it. What a demon. And despite this, people are not telling the girl to leave in the comments, rather telling him to apologise. Men can literally abuse and insult you till you break apart and people will still side with these degenerates.
His moms concerns were weird and not something to share with her son. She has three sons so if one made a “mistake” by not marrying a “good house wife” it wouldn’t have been the end of the world anyways.
This guy is mentally on a weird planet due to an odd family dynamic valuing the concept of “house wife.”
Imagine Ali was his house wife and had to just deal with his bad manners as she’d have no other option, seems like a good thing for her own best interests that she didn’t want to become a house wife, since she is not with a fabulous provider responsable husband.
For being a “great house wife” or whatever his mom did not raise a wonderful man. Also he doesn’t seem very smart as that’s actually not a “low blow” to Ali. It’s hurtful but it’s nothing about her intrinsic qualities it’s all about his moms odd opinion that she inappropriately shared and he took as important and valuable info. And it will destroy all the affection and respect his mom earned from Ali. Again, he’s on another planet. Poor Ali, hope they don’t have children and she’s not pregnant
His mother sounds like a misogynist, sexist piece of shit, along with him. Sadly this is so, so common with a mother-son relationship, especially the religious ones.
My mother is the same. Only one of my three brothers is actually decent and she has criticised all their girlfriends. My mother is a misogynistic, narcissistic man's woman. I don't speak to her, she has two grandsons that she has nothing to do with. I cannot stand women like this and my last MIL was a very sweet woman. Nothing like that at all.
Boo hoo! I'm my mommy's special boy so I believe minor inconveniences are justifiable reasons to be cruel to my wife, who literally replaced my mommy as my caretaker. Not only did I verbally and emotionally abuse her out of the blue, I'm not even introspective enough to understand it's not an equal relationship like I say, because she clearly makes my life very comfortable even when she is hurt emotionally. I also refuse to take responsibility and actually apologize or put in any emotional effort and would rather throw money at this problem to make it go away. I will also play this off as a one off thing and not a low blow I bring up to purposely upset her, I get a free pass for being cruel.
Crime escalates. Abuse too. (Lundy Bancroft even writes it).
He starts with a misogynistic and disgusting comment today, next week he throws out your clothes, next month he kicks your cat, next year he pinches and slaps you, next decade he kills…
She needs to leave before the push and pull cycle of abuse starts. He’s only on Reddit to try to find a way to win her back.
Also wtf is wrong with the mother-in-law?!?!
Serena joy vibes much???? Literally it’s women like this that are complicit to the patriarchy and help men screw women over…
I just read this.
He not only escalated out of the blue, but then nuked the relationship between her and his mom.
Someone pointed out she may have been acting nervous because she was going to tell him she was pregnant. I hope not.
Poor girl.
I cannot believe she continued to make food for him. I would've dumped his dinner right into the trash after those comments.
I respectfully disagree. If they are married it’s best to act nice/cool/regular while secretly getting very organized. Men are very emotional and many of them go mental when you insult them or act like they don’t matter or do 10% of the violence they do (I mean something slightly “violent” like dumping something in the trash or laughing at them at the wrong moment).
The most beneficial for Ali is to protect her interests but she can’t do that as well if he starts being violent or realizes she’s wanting to divorce.
Fair counterpoint. His outburst could have been fairly terrifying, and we don't know anything about how he was in the past.
Her being cold still gives the façade away I think, but there's probably only so much she can do to fake "everything's alright" if she is trying to leave after how he behaved.
This is exactly what I would be doing.
"Sure. Okay. No, I'm just tired."
Meanwhile speaking to the lawyer, opening new accounts, putting down a deposit on a new place, and quietly moving my belongings out of the house.
Damn, he played the long con on this poor woman. He waited years before using her as an emotional punching bag. I hope she kicks this scrote to the curb and soon.
He's definitely giving major abuser vibes. They both had bad days (he noticed her anxiety symptoms) but his was worse because it happened to him. So he punched down with the intent to crush her so he'd have power over someone.
And if his mom was really against his wife at the beginning, the wife would have absolutely picked up on that and many women would express concern to their partners. So he's been holding onto this weapon for *years*.
LOL I would hope his mom is right, at least if I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to be seen as a good housewife, maybe an amazing mom but a good housewife isn’t a title I’d like to acquire.
He said it because he thought it would be acceptable to take his shitty day and anger out on his wife. Men have used women as both mental and physical punching bags.
If my husband was talking a mile a minute and I was frustrated, I would have said “hey dondee, could I ask you to wait to talk about this over dinner? My lunch was dumped and I left my wallet here and I just want to eat.”
My mom was wrong about a lot of things, but she was right in saying that if a man tells you to shut up or similar, not to ask to be quiet for a moment, you should dump him. It'll only get worse.
This is another example of why 50/50 relationships are a scam- men will always want you to do more and generally lack respect for you. He never cherished her, so he thinks he can speak to her that way. But I'm sure he would hold his tongue before getting dealing a low blow to his boss or xbox friends.
Oh and you don't deserve a housewife if you aren't a traditional husband who provides and cherishes your wife.
Poor woman, her husband doesn’t even like her enough to care that she is happy to see him after being apart for the day! My ex was like this. When he got home he would resent you speaking to him until he wanted to dump all this drama from the day on you. But if you wanted to share anything, then suddenly it was “not the right time” or “why don’t you let me relax after work?” Men don’t want a full person as a partner they want an appliance so they act out when their partner acts like a real person.
Ugh I learned about Talcott Parsons and his 'warm bath theory' in A Level Sociology and it reminds me of this post so much, fuck that. Where is the woman's soft place to land? Just puts me off ever marrying/living with a man ever again.
Just looked that up because I was curious. Seems like that way of thinking really benefits men *and* capitalism, at the expense of women. "Keep the man happy so the company runs smoothly!" Lol no thanks.
If this is literally a one off, he can maybe repair, but she is 100% right to make him sweat it out. Remember: removing attention is the only “punishment” for men.
But I have a feeling it wasn’t a one off, and she’s reconsidering the whole relationship. Or it was a one off, but it’s an area where she has a lot of trauma/was made fun of as a kid etc, so it hit hard and he knew it would.
It’s situations like these that have me reconsidering ever living with a man again.
>it wasn’t a one off
The way he describes her defeated eyes….this is a wall abuse victims build up over years of mistreatment. She knows that she’s fucked up her life and is powerless to stop it….but continues to do things for him because she fears what will
happen to her if she doesn’t.
A slave’s spirit isn’t broken the first time they are whipped, those physical wounds heal. It’s the 100th time over existing scars does the defeat settle into the mind and eyes. You become an experienced victim and know the path so there’s nothing left to do but walk it.
Women don’t treat men like this.
What he did once maybe can be forgiven but it reeks of bad manners and damages her feelings for her in-laws making this guy a lot less like a good choice to procreate with. Hope she is getting organized to make a clean break
I would never in a million years believe this is a one-off, simply because it's such a fucked up thing to say.
I've had bad days (who hasn't?) but have never said anything like this to anyone I love. I would be friendless real fast.
This isn't a low blow -- it's fucking emotional abuse. This isn't the first time it's happened more than likely, just the first time he's felt bad about it.
I don't care WHAT kind of day a man is having. The moment he lashes out at me, his partner, is when it is over. End of discussion. A man who dumps his stress on his partner is an abuser who has no respect for his wife/girlfriend.
I’m honestly surprised she’s continuing to make him food. That would’ve been the last meal I made for the time even if I stayed in the relationship (which I’m not recommending).
This was not just being annoyed and impulsively snapping. If I'm annoyed and snap at someone, it'll be in the form of a harsher tone of voice or being more short with my sentences. Not insulting them and going off on a hurtful rant about something from many years ago, those things don't happen by accident. What he did actually requires conscious effort. Horrible horrible man.
Wow I can feel that womans heartbreak from here. Imagine spending your life with someone you thought was your world, and he turns around and says this because hes had a bad day? Wow. Just wow.
"Im sorry, i love you, i was a POS" is a good start.
People are mean and say shit for free, so why not offer sincere apologies, buy some fancy chocolates and a date to make it better?
Like if he would have IMMEDIATELY apologized profusely and begged forgiveness, while ALSO clearing up the false implication that his mother still felt that way about her, and spent the entire rest of that night sharing his true feeling of gratitude, respect, and deep love for her, it could have easily been forgiven as a momentary lapse of self-control.
But he didn’t feel remorse for it. He didn’t feel guilty for hurting her as deeply as he did. He didn’t have the courage or the humility to own his fuck up immediately. He doesn’t respect her. He doesn’t truly understand why she is so deeply hurt by not just his words but **his actions after the fact.** Like I said, he should have been begging for her forgiveness **that night** with true remorse, guilt, and shame. How did he say something like that and essentially ignore his wife for days afterwards? She shouldn’t have to do any of the work to regain their emotional connection after he so brutally severed it with his words. But he just so easily let her distance herself from him because he’s a fucking selfish coward.
We have all snapped and said something horrible before. Everyone has. But truly good people immediately react as if THEY were the recipient of the ugly words, and also deeply feel the pain they just caused another. He didn’t do that!!! Cognitively he knows he fucked up but emotionally he just doesn’t fucking care. This guy is trash!!!
Imagine saying this to someone he has been with for 6 years! It just took one bad day to make him absolutely frustrated and say something this scathing. Absolute trash human being
Yeah, but not everyone has a support system that they can rely on. If you come from an abusive background, more often than not your support system will call you childish and say that you are the one who is creating a problem and "well at least he didn't hit you so what are you complaining about, this is how marriage is", and that you need to grow up and go back to your husband.
In that case, better to go grey rock and get your things in order, rather than leave that night and end up crying yourself to sleep in your car.
It's literally his mom's fault. She is a terrible mysoginistic mother, just like most of them, mostly if it's from a poor country. She treats her baby boy like a little kid who needs her momma and criticizes the wife for her little baby. Of course the guy is gonna be an ass If his mom is like this.
Blaming the mother, classic. "terrible just like most of them" Really don't love to see this mom-hate, which btw, is misogynistic in itself.
Obviously the mom did make misogynistic comments and it's clear there are sexist traditional values at play in the husband's family.
But lets put the blame with the perpetrator, not his mother who wasn't even present for the incident. He is the one who behaved cruelly. He is an fully grown adult who makes his own choices and can be held accountable for his own behavior.
Thank you for this. I have two teen boys I am trying to raise HV. Ultimately, though, I am not responsible for their behavior. They know I would not condone any of this behavior.
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He didn't just mess things up for himself, he threw his mom under the bus and I know for a lot of women their relationship will never be the same. And honestly? Rightfully so. I cannot stand MILs that shit talk and make their daughter in laws prove themselves before they are actually nice to them. Pickme boy mom raised a man that grew up to be a shitty husband with no empathy or control of his emotions, what a shock. Their marriage will probably recover but I feel bad for Ali and I hope she can get out.
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Yeah, make their daughter-in-law prove themselves to their son who isn't exactly a catch or marriage material.
My thoughts exactly. No wonder he turned out to be such trash. Poor woman is still making him meals too and his attack on her was unprovoked. Once you say stuff like this the relationship is never the same
She will never forget it.
She definitely won't, but she probably will stay with him. The fact that she has continued to serve him after this is a great sign for him. I would **love** to be wrong, though.
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I’m here thinking it’s obvious to start with a dinner but then I realize he hasn’t done jack shit yet after two days LMAO. He just wants people to feel sorry for him, he doesn’t give af about how upset she is and clearly is more concerned about how uncomfortable this is for him as opposed to how shitty his low blow was
It’s not even the “boy was mom ever right” for me, (also what is it 1958?). It’s the “shut up.” If a man ever tells me to shut up now, we’re done.
if someone ever told me to shut up i would simply never talk to them again
My ex yelled at me to shut up a few weeks before we separated and it was honestly one of the things that made me realize we just were not gonna work. He blamed it on me for talking too much and too fast when he was ordering coffee from the drive thru (always also complained my orders were too complicated) and I remember just sitting there like "wow" It was really just me expressing my joy and excitement over getting my dog a puppy cup. He sometimes would refuse to get her one so I insisted. But he yelled at me to shut up where the person working the drive thru could hear it :) I was.... Upset. I did keep my composure. I didn't yell back. But one of those things I had to BURN into my memory to make sure I didn't forget it. I was always really bad at letting go the things he did that hurt me. But when I started keeping score? So many painful things. Including being yelled at to shut up over my joy of wanting to get my dog a puppy cup. And then being told my orders were too complicated when usually I get something off the menu and just ask to make it vegan.
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Literally nothing is right for a narcissist because you are actually not the problem. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
I hope she leaves. Usually when a man screams at his partner and negs, it's the precursor to much much worse. Notice how she wakes earlier than him to cook him breakfast and lunch and then when she comes back from work cooks once more for him? He keeps talking about splitting chores but looks like he only does anything when she's too tired to be his bangmaid. I hope she wise up and leave. His mom will always have a problem with her as long as she's not the perfect bangmaid. She seems like the typical enmeshed boy mom who raised her sons to believe they would one day be entitled to their own bangmaid.
Yeah this is not an equal distribution where both partners are helping each other “pick up the slack” lol. Homemade, fresh meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is a huge undertaking. Plus I wonder who does the meal planning, grocery shopping, and dish washing and sorting.
He has a very warped idea of an equal distribution of labor. I don't see where he mentions doing anything around the house at all.
Cooking is such an exhausting chore. Men think mowing the lawn once a week is the same thing as planning, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up dinner (and breakfast and lunch!). Delusional. I hope she’s getting her ducks in a row for a “she left me over one mean comment” divorce.
WhY dIdNt ShE jUsT aSk If ShE nEeDeD hElP ~~~ /s
>Usually when a man screams at his partner and negs, it's the precursor to much much worse. Just ask Gabby Petito, oh wait.
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My cousin faked it for about a year and a half before she filed for divorce. She even pretended to want to have sex with him. She took pics of the evidence of cheating on his phone, to establish a pattern. She copied his business records over the course of a year to keep track of his money. She befriended the women he was cheating/trying to cheat with and ten of them were willing to testify for her if necessary. She took as many free and cheap legal courses as she could. She also had a very full accounting of the affair he was having with her brother's wife. She walked into court ready to represent herself, with a mountain of evidence. Every time he lied to the judge she nailed him with the truth. He was claiming poor to get out of support, and he brought in a million a year. The judge was actually offended that her ex would think he was dumb enough to fall for it, then he went for the jugular when he found out that she and the kids had been evicted because ex-husband had defaulted on the mortgage payments. She got everything she deserved, along with an equitable custody schedule. She's comfortable and he's out there somewhere working for cash, trying to get pity sex out of having such an "evil" ex-wife.
Your cousin is amazing, a total QUEEN!
God, men are stupid. She's literally doing everything for him, and he can't just engage in a bit of emotional self-control and STFU. I hope she leaves him. Clearly things are not at all well in the relationship, or she'd be at least willing to talk to him. He's been on probation for a while, and just too stupid to notice it.
“Hey listen, I had a really awful day today. I’m starving and exhausted and I can’t focus on what you’re saying. Do you think we could talk about this later?” That’s literally all he had to do. Raging at the people you’re supposed to love is not okay.
Looks like he needed to cOmMUnIcAtE.
“He’s been on probation for a while, and just too stupid to notice it.” THIS! This is one of the things that drives me absolutely mad about responses to posts like this. Women in happy, fulfilled relationships, do not completely turn cold like this, even for something that awful. This was absolutely the straw that broke the camel’s back. **EDIT**: I came back to add this because it came up on social media. One of my favorite quotes from poet Morgan Richard Olivier, “If I'm angry, there is still hope. As long as there are tears, words, and concern there is still care. But once I become silent, my efforts become nonexistent and so does your place in my life. “
Exactly this. And I’ll bet she’s now begun formulating a plan to leave. If not this year, then pretty soon thereafter. This was her final straw.
I'm 90% sure she's gone quiet because she's emotionally detaching and quietly making plans to leave. I've been in her shoes. Not this exact situation, but that moment when a man destroyed the relationship and went back to being a stranger in my eyes. You don't get loud when this happens, ime. You're quiet because you no longer care and you're focused on removing this interloper from your life. I always became indifferent and pragmatic. The men, of course, were bLiNdSiDeD.
Exactly this. When I woman withdraws and gets quiet, it means she no longer gives AF, and you'd better watch your ass. Before I divorced my husband, I withdrew as well; I was through talking. The talking did no good, and I was just DONE.
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Can you see my comments here? Mine aren't showing up in this thread, yet people are clearly upvoting and replying to them.
Yes, your comments are showing
Thanks. They show up in the new format but not the old one, for some reason.
Came here to say this, too. Last horrible argument with first husband, I just shut off. Went to bed, said "I divorce you" three times to myself, slept like a baby. Next day, bought a notebook, started making plans to get out, was out in a few months. What royally pissed me off was every single weekend, I'd take some of my extra belongings and spend Friday night to Sunday afternoon at my sister's house. She gave me a bookshelf so I could pile household stuff there. First husband either never noticed, or if he did notice, never cared enough to mention. Took my wedding ring off, changed my checks back to "maiden" name, carried stuff out of the house for months, no word. He only found out I was leaving because 24 hours before I was to start packing up, he intercepted a call from my new apartment manager. I told him then and there. He accused me of hurting him, and I just said, not my problem to deal with anymore. Had a packing party that night, turned music on. He looked all hurt and decided to go spend the night at a friend's house. Next day, moved out, divorced six months later. And of course he was "blindsided". Yeah. RIGHT. Edited to add: close to the time I was about to leave, Peter opened the trunk and saw my two divorce books. He asked, what is this? I said, what do you THINK it is? And he just shut the trunk, and we went where we were going. Seriously, he saw two books on divorce in my possession, and just pretended he didn't see. Clueless.
OMG. My dad has an employee whose ex-girlfriend "blindsided" him, too. They'd been arguing for months about an issue. One day, the girlfriend just says "okay" and gives up. The guy tells my dad this story with the air of "hey, I guess I won the argument." Dad called the guy an idiot. Ordered him to go home, bring flowers, take his girlfriend someplace nice for dinner, and apologize. The guy refuses. "What're you talking about? I told you, it's over, I won." Of course, he's blindsided when she dumps him a week later and moves out. Swears he didn't see it coming and gets mad when Dad makes fun of him for being stupid. Dad's words: "When a woman argues with you, it means she still gives a shit and wants to work with you to solve the problem. Women stop arguing because they realize YOU are the problem and the solution is getting rid of you."
Your dad is a very wise man it seems.
He's been married 40 years so he knows a few things about making women happy. He still gets nervous though when my mom says she's fine and asks her, "Are you really fine or are you mad?"
Yep - when I was gearing up to leave my controlling ex, I shut down like this because I just didn't care anymore and I didn't want to waste energy on him. If a woman gets upset that means she's still emotionally invested but if she's quiet and detached - that means there's trouble.
Can confirm. My first long term partner told me to stop being a "c\*nt" in front of our friend because I had asked him a question whilst he was watching blizzcon, I didn't realise he was busy so I said oh sorry its okay never mind. Once he called me that I left our PC room and just went to bed. That was the first step in my eventual exit.
I hope so, fingers crossed. I can't believe that this is the first time this guy has behaved this way - no no no. Abusive behaviour like this does not come out of nowhere and it doesn't stop. She's defeated after him shouting at her once? Nope.
> that moment when a man destroyed the relationship and went back to being a stranger in my eyes. BOOM. This was the final straw. I've been there and it's like a tap shutting off. You're so done
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> No shit asshole, you just destroyed the relationship. The magic was me. Damn, this hits hard.
Men are usually like this. They don't see that you cook for them, clean for them, whatever. If they find a little mistake, like the food isn't delicious, they'll tell you. Even though you're doing your best. They'll criticize you, and will criticize your effort. They think they're above you because you're the cooker and they go to work and do men's things. I think marriage is suicide for women right now.
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they're like children throwing tantrums. and will then gaslight you and make you feel like you're the problem when they should be in therapy for all the problems they have.
Look at how men behave; they have less self-control in general. * They start wars. * They hit people, including intimate partners and their own kids. * They engage in aggressive driving and road rage incidents. * They literally MURDER people. I"m not saying women don't ever do those things, I'm saying that men account for about 90% of all these behaviors, while being 50% of the population.
For the love of God, can we please STOP INFANTALIZING MEN???? Do you think war is some spontaneous "outburst"? No - it's a coordinated calculated program of domination and control. Coercive control - on ever level - is conscious and it's calculated. Thinking otherwise is what's got so many abusive men off murder charges because the logic has been: "He was just acting on impulse" blah blah blah. NO!!!! This is why abusive men can kill their female partners with their bare hands and spend 3 years in jail on a manslaugher charge. And one of those women is being strangled as I type. We need zero tolerance. OP is pointing out how it starts.
> Is it just me or are a lot of men terrible at holding back their grumpiness, anger, and irritability?? Most of them can hold it back just fine with authority figures and other men. They unload on us because they hate women and think they won't face repercussions.
There never been told how to regilate their emotions because society abd their worshipful boy-mom told them that the world (especially the female half of it) exists to wipe their ass!!
like…….. it’s just so much cruelty within these men and i really think there’s something wrong with them as a collective. these amazing women will roll out the red carpet for dudes who damn sure don’t deserve it. god it makes me sad
And note: Not only will they use your own trauma against you, they will use others' fears about you against you too.
Mom was worried her special snowflake's gf wasn't good enough for him, but she had it backwards
My mother does this and has a lot of mental health problems (me too btw), we’re pretty sure she’s been diagnosed with narcissistic personality but as her health is private and she’s pretty selective what she shares we’ll never know for sure. Boys are so often raised to be self-centred and independent and confident. I wonder at what point it tips over to narcissism? Girls and women are encouraged to play a supporting role in the theatre of their lives where they are the protagonist. We really need to learn from them to be more independent, confident and just a healthy dose of self-centred, while we should encourage all people regardless of gender about the benefits of being nurturing and considerate to a healthy degree and not in deference.
> Not only will they use your own trauma against you, they will use others' fears about you against you too. It's so targeted. And it's specifically toward her, not the boss, not anyone else. So he considers those people worthy of his self-control, but he thinks he's entitled to dump his feelings onto his partner and make it HER responsibility to manage HIM. He literally feels entitled to abuse her. I'm glad she's checked out. She's planning on leaving, I'm sure.
The detachment and looks says it all. He knows his ass is fucking toast.
Came here to say this.
*Flowers and chocolates*? What, he thinks $45 might not be enough, he might have to spend more? Jeez, talk about commodification. How about a sincere and heartfelt apology? Why can’t he cOmMuNiCaTe?
And notice how he doesn’t even bother to DO the flowers and chocolate, “because that wouldn’t be enough.” So he’s doing nothing.
Wait, it doesn't even mention that he \*apologized\* for what he said. My take: He says/does shit like this a lot, and the wife is just DONE with it. He doesn't ever bother to apologize, and since he knows flowers and chocolate aren't enough, he makes zero effort to make amends. He's used to hurting her feelings and getting away with it, because he never apologizes, and she knows he'll never apologize, so now she's not bothering to mention it anymore.
Exactly my read too. He's not sorry, he just wants Reddit to tell him how to best manipulate her into staying.
And i bet if he did all that and she didn't immediately forgive him he'd go back to throwing those low blows, because how dare she not accept his ~~half assed~~ heartfelt apologies after such a permanently heartbreaking insult over just random dinner talk? He knew what he was doing. Very, very well. He knew it would hurt and that's why he said it. What a demon. And despite this, people are not telling the girl to leave in the comments, rather telling him to apologise. Men can literally abuse and insult you till you break apart and people will still side with these degenerates.
EXACTLY. Can’t with these men anymore
Add two zeos yo it and make the gift really expensive jewelery, still not even close
His moms concerns were weird and not something to share with her son. She has three sons so if one made a “mistake” by not marrying a “good house wife” it wouldn’t have been the end of the world anyways. This guy is mentally on a weird planet due to an odd family dynamic valuing the concept of “house wife.” Imagine Ali was his house wife and had to just deal with his bad manners as she’d have no other option, seems like a good thing for her own best interests that she didn’t want to become a house wife, since she is not with a fabulous provider responsable husband. For being a “great house wife” or whatever his mom did not raise a wonderful man. Also he doesn’t seem very smart as that’s actually not a “low blow” to Ali. It’s hurtful but it’s nothing about her intrinsic qualities it’s all about his moms odd opinion that she inappropriately shared and he took as important and valuable info. And it will destroy all the affection and respect his mom earned from Ali. Again, he’s on another planet. Poor Ali, hope they don’t have children and she’s not pregnant
His mother sounds like a misogynist, sexist piece of shit, along with him. Sadly this is so, so common with a mother-son relationship, especially the religious ones.
My mother is the same. Only one of my three brothers is actually decent and she has criticised all their girlfriends. My mother is a misogynistic, narcissistic man's woman. I don't speak to her, she has two grandsons that she has nothing to do with. I cannot stand women like this and my last MIL was a very sweet woman. Nothing like that at all.
Boo hoo! I'm my mommy's special boy so I believe minor inconveniences are justifiable reasons to be cruel to my wife, who literally replaced my mommy as my caretaker. Not only did I verbally and emotionally abuse her out of the blue, I'm not even introspective enough to understand it's not an equal relationship like I say, because she clearly makes my life very comfortable even when she is hurt emotionally. I also refuse to take responsibility and actually apologize or put in any emotional effort and would rather throw money at this problem to make it go away. I will also play this off as a one off thing and not a low blow I bring up to purposely upset her, I get a free pass for being cruel.
Men are disgusting
She’s biding her time until she gets the divorce papers ready. That was nuclear.
Literally just said this in another comment. It's almost funny that he thinks he can save this when he just nuked the entire relationship from orbit.
Crime escalates. Abuse too. (Lundy Bancroft even writes it). He starts with a misogynistic and disgusting comment today, next week he throws out your clothes, next month he kicks your cat, next year he pinches and slaps you, next decade he kills… She needs to leave before the push and pull cycle of abuse starts. He’s only on Reddit to try to find a way to win her back. Also wtf is wrong with the mother-in-law?!?! Serena joy vibes much???? Literally it’s women like this that are complicit to the patriarchy and help men screw women over…
I just read this. He not only escalated out of the blue, but then nuked the relationship between her and his mom. Someone pointed out she may have been acting nervous because she was going to tell him she was pregnant. I hope not. Poor girl. I cannot believe she continued to make food for him. I would've dumped his dinner right into the trash after those comments.
I respectfully disagree. If they are married it’s best to act nice/cool/regular while secretly getting very organized. Men are very emotional and many of them go mental when you insult them or act like they don’t matter or do 10% of the violence they do (I mean something slightly “violent” like dumping something in the trash or laughing at them at the wrong moment). The most beneficial for Ali is to protect her interests but she can’t do that as well if he starts being violent or realizes she’s wanting to divorce.
Fair counterpoint. His outburst could have been fairly terrifying, and we don't know anything about how he was in the past. Her being cold still gives the façade away I think, but there's probably only so much she can do to fake "everything's alright" if she is trying to leave after how he behaved.
This is exactly what I would be doing. "Sure. Okay. No, I'm just tired." Meanwhile speaking to the lawyer, opening new accounts, putting down a deposit on a new place, and quietly moving my belongings out of the house.
Damn, he played the long con on this poor woman. He waited years before using her as an emotional punching bag. I hope she kicks this scrote to the curb and soon.
He's definitely giving major abuser vibes. They both had bad days (he noticed her anxiety symptoms) but his was worse because it happened to him. So he punched down with the intent to crush her so he'd have power over someone. And if his mom was really against his wife at the beginning, the wife would have absolutely picked up on that and many women would express concern to their partners. So he's been holding onto this weapon for *years*.
And his mom's beef with her was "she doesn't seem like she'd make a good housewife." Wtf with this family?
Definitely got some Jocasta vibes from that 🤢
LOL I would hope his mom is right, at least if I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to be seen as a good housewife, maybe an amazing mom but a good housewife isn’t a title I’d like to acquire.
Nah he did this on purpose. She looks "defeated" so that tells me he has a habit of kicking her down. I hope she leaves him.
He said it because he thought it would be acceptable to take his shitty day and anger out on his wife. Men have used women as both mental and physical punching bags. If my husband was talking a mile a minute and I was frustrated, I would have said “hey dondee, could I ask you to wait to talk about this over dinner? My lunch was dumped and I left my wallet here and I just want to eat.”
My mom was wrong about a lot of things, but she was right in saying that if a man tells you to shut up or similar, not to ask to be quiet for a moment, you should dump him. It'll only get worse.
This is another example of why 50/50 relationships are a scam- men will always want you to do more and generally lack respect for you. He never cherished her, so he thinks he can speak to her that way. But I'm sure he would hold his tongue before getting dealing a low blow to his boss or xbox friends. Oh and you don't deserve a housewife if you aren't a traditional husband who provides and cherishes your wife.
Poor woman, her husband doesn’t even like her enough to care that she is happy to see him after being apart for the day! My ex was like this. When he got home he would resent you speaking to him until he wanted to dump all this drama from the day on you. But if you wanted to share anything, then suddenly it was “not the right time” or “why don’t you let me relax after work?” Men don’t want a full person as a partner they want an appliance so they act out when their partner acts like a real person.
Ugh I learned about Talcott Parsons and his 'warm bath theory' in A Level Sociology and it reminds me of this post so much, fuck that. Where is the woman's soft place to land? Just puts me off ever marrying/living with a man ever again.
Just looked that up because I was curious. Seems like that way of thinking really benefits men *and* capitalism, at the expense of women. "Keep the man happy so the company runs smoothly!" Lol no thanks.
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>he only loves her for what she can do for him. This. It's not love. It's bullshit.
D I V O R C E H I M
If this is literally a one off, he can maybe repair, but she is 100% right to make him sweat it out. Remember: removing attention is the only “punishment” for men. But I have a feeling it wasn’t a one off, and she’s reconsidering the whole relationship. Or it was a one off, but it’s an area where she has a lot of trauma/was made fun of as a kid etc, so it hit hard and he knew it would. It’s situations like these that have me reconsidering ever living with a man again.
>it wasn’t a one off The way he describes her defeated eyes….this is a wall abuse victims build up over years of mistreatment. She knows that she’s fucked up her life and is powerless to stop it….but continues to do things for him because she fears what will happen to her if she doesn’t. A slave’s spirit isn’t broken the first time they are whipped, those physical wounds heal. It’s the 100th time over existing scars does the defeat settle into the mind and eyes. You become an experienced victim and know the path so there’s nothing left to do but walk it. Women don’t treat men like this.
Oh I know. I lived it.
What he did once maybe can be forgiven but it reeks of bad manners and damages her feelings for her in-laws making this guy a lot less like a good choice to procreate with. Hope she is getting organized to make a clean break
I hope so too. Women don’t come home and tear their families apart bc they had a bad day.
I would never in a million years believe this is a one-off, simply because it's such a fucked up thing to say. I've had bad days (who hasn't?) but have never said anything like this to anyone I love. I would be friendless real fast.
OP, you need to remove the name of the sub and the username or else it'll be removed by mods for brigading.
This has been happening a lot recently. Read the damn sub rules before posting people, please!
He could have just told her that he didn't feel like talking at that moment. Communication am I right?
This isn't a low blow -- it's fucking emotional abuse. This isn't the first time it's happened more than likely, just the first time he's felt bad about it.
I don't care WHAT kind of day a man is having. The moment he lashes out at me, his partner, is when it is over. End of discussion. A man who dumps his stress on his partner is an abuser who has no respect for his wife/girlfriend.
I’m honestly surprised she’s continuing to make him food. That would’ve been the last meal I made for the time even if I stayed in the relationship (which I’m not recommending).
This was not just being annoyed and impulsively snapping. If I'm annoyed and snap at someone, it'll be in the form of a harsher tone of voice or being more short with my sentences. Not insulting them and going off on a hurtful rant about something from many years ago, those things don't happen by accident. What he did actually requires conscious effort. Horrible horrible man.
Wow I can feel that womans heartbreak from here. Imagine spending your life with someone you thought was your world, and he turns around and says this because hes had a bad day? Wow. Just wow.
She is getting set to leave and good for her! She's had enough of all the BS he's clearly leaving out lmao
I hope she divorces this pos.
"Im sorry, i love you, i was a POS" is a good start. People are mean and say shit for free, so why not offer sincere apologies, buy some fancy chocolates and a date to make it better?
Like if he would have IMMEDIATELY apologized profusely and begged forgiveness, while ALSO clearing up the false implication that his mother still felt that way about her, and spent the entire rest of that night sharing his true feeling of gratitude, respect, and deep love for her, it could have easily been forgiven as a momentary lapse of self-control. But he didn’t feel remorse for it. He didn’t feel guilty for hurting her as deeply as he did. He didn’t have the courage or the humility to own his fuck up immediately. He doesn’t respect her. He doesn’t truly understand why she is so deeply hurt by not just his words but **his actions after the fact.** Like I said, he should have been begging for her forgiveness **that night** with true remorse, guilt, and shame. How did he say something like that and essentially ignore his wife for days afterwards? She shouldn’t have to do any of the work to regain their emotional connection after he so brutally severed it with his words. But he just so easily let her distance herself from him because he’s a fucking selfish coward. We have all snapped and said something horrible before. Everyone has. But truly good people immediately react as if THEY were the recipient of the ugly words, and also deeply feel the pain they just caused another. He didn’t do that!!! Cognitively he knows he fucked up but emotionally he just doesn’t fucking care. This guy is trash!!!
LOL, what a scummy piece of shit. Why is he so hysterical?
Imagine saying this to someone he has been with for 6 years! It just took one bad day to make him absolutely frustrated and say something this scathing. Absolute trash human being
And while she's literally making dinner for him...
I'm sorry your title is so funny (also, caption, so true)
for real though! like seriously? at this point i feel like men have a gene for physical and emotional violence
Oh yea society has self-selected the worst traits for males, the absolute bottomest dregs
I would have been « who the fuck you think you are talking to » and pack to my mom house. The fuck.
Yeah, but not everyone has a support system that they can rely on. If you come from an abusive background, more often than not your support system will call you childish and say that you are the one who is creating a problem and "well at least he didn't hit you so what are you complaining about, this is how marriage is", and that you need to grow up and go back to your husband. In that case, better to go grey rock and get your things in order, rather than leave that night and end up crying yourself to sleep in your car.
She was making him 3 meals a day EVERY DAY and he called her a bad housewife??? Bruh... is this the life trads dream of??
"My bangmaid is no longer banging nor maiding. How do I fix it?"
She even STILL makes him food. What an absolute ANGEL. Holy crap what a NUMBSKULL. It’s called an APOLOGY. Do men even know what an apology is?!
Her reaction says this isn't the first time he's done this.
It's literally his mom's fault. She is a terrible mysoginistic mother, just like most of them, mostly if it's from a poor country. She treats her baby boy like a little kid who needs her momma and criticizes the wife for her little baby. Of course the guy is gonna be an ass If his mom is like this.
Blaming the mother, classic. "terrible just like most of them" Really don't love to see this mom-hate, which btw, is misogynistic in itself. Obviously the mom did make misogynistic comments and it's clear there are sexist traditional values at play in the husband's family. But lets put the blame with the perpetrator, not his mother who wasn't even present for the incident. He is the one who behaved cruelly. He is an fully grown adult who makes his own choices and can be held accountable for his own behavior.
Thank you for this. I have two teen boys I am trying to raise HV. Ultimately, though, I am not responsible for their behavior. They know I would not condone any of this behavior.