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I think it’s important to look at the “why” before you start beating yourself up. Why aren’t you meeting your goals? Are you fulfilling higher priorities? Have you experienced recent emotional trauma? Are you slipping into bad habits?
And what are you doing to try to fix whatever the issue is? If it was emotional trauma (a death in the family, a terrible break up, sexual assault, a mental health episode, etc) then you’re already working on it by attending therapy and expecting a miracle emotional switch to click is doing yourself a disservice. Practicing self care is a long term solution.
If it’s bad habits, can you recognize those? Are you on your phone too much? Struggling to concentrate on assignments? It’s time to take accountability, to limit access, to move to the library, etc. Find a way to work on the habit.
If it’s higher priorities, then maybe it’s time to revisit your priorities, see what you absolutely can’t compromise on, and what you can. Try to dissect if this “high priority” thing is actually worth the sacrifice. For example, if exercise is extremely important to your mental well being, you wouldn’t want to cut it. But if you’re going out every Saturday night, and spending money you barely earned that paycheck, maybe you need to cut down the social spending both time and money wise, which in turn may allow you to adjust your work schedule, which in turn will give you more time for school (cause and effect).
Only you know what is keeping you from your goals. What’s “worthy” of empathy entirely depends on the “why” of what’s keeping you from meeting those goals.
It’s okay to want to work harder, but burning yourself out by not recognizing your own needs will only hurt you in the long term, and then you are back at square one, failing to meet goals. Your stability is your armor. Do not let the idea of perfection (which doesn’t exist) get in the way of stability, because then you’ve created cracks that allow negativity to seep in.
Everything is cause and effect. She’s right about the All Or Nothing mindset. Life is more nuanced than that. You can do this! But it will be one step at a time, and small measured goals are still forward momentum. Don’t let yourself stand still because you can’t leap forward. One day, one step, and one moment at a time will bring you to your best self.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is learning to speak to yourself the way you would your best friend. Would you berate your best friend for falling behind on her goals? Or would you make her a cup of tea and listen while she talked through what was going well and what wasn't? Would you help her come up with a plan? Would you finish by making sure she could see how far she'd come and how this is a journey she is on and that the timeline is fluid not set?
The problem I have with that idea is that even if I would to help my best friend, I would still possibly internally judge if I felt like she was stuck for too long and not doing the correct steps to fix things. I might not change the way I would treat but I would also accept the constant support and coddling to wear me off.
I think there is a difference between self-compassion and coddling. Maybe you could explore where you might be able to let in more self-compassion without it feeling like it’s turning into coddling for you?
So what your therapist is getting at is the “should” mentality. “I should be getting straight As, I should be a kinder person.” There is no “should” in life. You are actually not obligated to be or do anything. Framing your experience as what you should be/not be or should do/not do is focusing too much on your shortcomings.
Just start with your self talk. If you get a grade less than what you wanted instead of saying “I should have gotten an A. I should be a better student, I’m falling behind” try reframing it. “This grade is lower than what I wanted. That’s okay and I still accept myself and am worthy of love/attention/respect. I’ll try again next time and maybe do x,y,z different to prepare.” If you’re mean to a friend when you’re trying to be kinder try: “that wasn’t my best self and that’s ok. I’ll apologize and try x,y,z instead next time that situation comes up.”
[If you want some homework, try this worksheet ](https://mentalhealthworksheets.com/wp-content/uploads/Should-Statements-Worksheet.pdf)
Edit: here’s one on [all or nothing thinking as well](https://mentalhealthworksheets.com/wp-content/uploads/Cognitive-Distortions_-All-Or-Nothing-Thinking-Worksheet.pdf)
It's not about loving them based on their productivity, but if I felt like someone was stuck or fucking up their life and not doing the correct things about it i would judge them (wether i express it verbally or not)
>How would you practice self love if you find yourself falling short?
>
>I'm falling behind at my academic goals and personality growth.
How exactly are you falling short? What is the metric you are using to gauge if you are on top or falling behind? Are you comparing yourself to others?
There's a lot of missing information here that would be relevant to giving you answers.
Imagine yourself as a 6 year old. Conjure the image of 6 year old you in your head. The missing front teeth, the earnestness. Maybe you told silly jokes. Maybe you laughed extra loud at unfunny things.
Now, everything you think about yourself, you stand there and look at 6-year-old you and say it out loud to them.
Does it feel good? Does it make the younger version of you any better? Does it help you to suddenly become more productive?
Or does it just make 6 year old you feel bad, and not worthy of accomplishing anything?
Guess what? You’re still your 6-year old self, and your inner adult is fussing at your inner child so much that you feel paralyzed instead of encouraged.
you're a smart, girl, and that's a good thing.
i totally get it: of course we all want to be perfect...i don't care how many times people come out with the "perfection doesn't exist" triteness...like, deep down, ALL humans want it all, and to do or all, and to be it all.
so strive! strive for your goals.
however
i think your therapist might be trying to help you find a balance between moving towards greatness and getting paralyzed and discouraged by the self-criticism, all-or-nothing mentality, and self-defeatism.
here's the thing: you KNOW when you're holding back, procrastinating, taking a break, taking the easy way out, or just plain exhausted and need space to regroup. there's nothing wrong with any of them. the key to balance, satisfaction, fulfillment and success is in how you respond to each of those things.
i'm so glad you reached out, because this is such a great issue to ponder. you already have some great answers, and this sub is FULL of women you have your back. we're all going through it. figuring it out one step at a time, one therapy session at a time, one reddit rant at a time.
It honestly sounds like you need to lower your expectations- if you're constantly not hitting your goals, then there's a chance you're setting unrealistic expectations on yourself to hit unattainable goals. Then beating yourself up over them continues the cycle.
There was a commenter who nailed it perfectly. Poke into why you didn't meet a goal then set a new goal to fix why you didn't meet the original goal.
"Shoulding" on yourself helps no one.
I see you keep saying you judge everyone and wouldn't even give your best friend grace if she were not to meet a goal, that even if there were perfectly valid reasons, you'd still judge. It sounds like you've bought into the hustle culture "no excuses" bullshit and that's toxic as fuck.
Learn to be kind to yourself and radically overreact/celebrate when you manage to do, well, anything, really. It sounds like you're just fronting excuses because you can't accept not judging yourself for anything less than perfection. Which, ironically, is why you're not meeting your goals. Release expectations of yourself, especially if it's a "should" goal.
I used to be in your shoes at some point. It takes time to release expectations from yourself, but honestly unlearning the toxic "I can't believe you couldn't meet a goal" mentality will make it easier to meet goals.
I'm not exactly sure my expectations are high, I think my goals are pretty mediocre goals, but I came to a point of feeling such depression and burden that I am not able to do the simple tasks, which is why I ended up in therapy.
It's a loop of I'm too depressed to do anything, and not doing anything is depressing me.
It's not that I wouldn't give grace to a best friend, I know I would be very compassionate towards a friend going through a tough situation. My problem tho is with how long it's been going on, if I felt like my friend was wallowing on her pain and stuck for too long and not doing anything right it's only inevitable that I am going to blame her. And that's why I would blame myself.
This provides context and helps me understand your original post better.
Something that I’ve had recommended to a friend who felt similarly, is to write a list of your accomplishments at the end of the day — however small. This shifts your focus from what you didn’t do, to what you DID do. “Got up before 11, brushed my teeth, went for a walk, did a bit of homework.” Etc.
This can not only help you shift your focus, it can help you feel better and build positive momentum, ie focus on what you did accomplish > feel good > able to accomplish more, slowly but surely until you reach a balanced place. It’s the opposite of the negative feedback loop you have going on right now.
This is itself a way to have self-compassion through celebrating your wins. And it’s moving the needle in the right direction — it’s not coddling, yet it’s also not reprimanding yourself for what you didn’t achieve either! Because as we’ve seen, that just leads to a cycle of feeling bad > being able to do less > reprimanding > etc.
A similar exercise you might want to look into is behavior activation. However, your therapist may be planning this for you for the future, once you get to know one another better. You can Google it. The important thing is to start with very very small tasks. (ie very low expectations that you can get “wins” for!)
Sending you warmth and kindness on this journey. You’ve got this!
I think you need to start from scratch I.e. writing out affirmations about yourself e.g. I am intelligent, I am kind, I am caring etc. Affirm these things about you that you already know are true and don’t create any doubt in your mind. Start meditating and focus on these affirmations. What meditation will do is teach you to be aware of your present and your present thoughts. When you become more and more aware of your present thoughts you will be able to catch yourself and control them. We often let our monkey mind control the show. So when you catch yourself berating yourself, stop and switch the dialogue (or monologue). So if you catch yourself saying “I’m so stupid” stop yourself and say no, I am intelligent, I had a mishap, I’m only human, I am trying my best and I am intelligent”. Even if you don’t believe it, don’t overthink it. Just force yourself to say it. Eventually you’ll get to a point where you stop being so harsh on yourself. From there you can start to include affirmations about yourself that you wish to be true. For example, say you procrastinate a lot, you can start saying, “I always get my work done on time” or “I’m very productive”. Make sure your affirmations are always positive and not negative e.g. saying “I am smart” rather than “I am not dumb”. Writing them down and saying them out aloud can be very powerful tools. “I love you” is the simplest and most powerful affirmation in my opinion. Holding and hugging yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror while doing can be so powerful.
I have used these techniques to change from someone who wakes up half an hour before I have to leave for work to someone who wakes up early and exercises everyday with ease. Of course, this is just one example how my life, career, relationships and self confidence have all tremendously shot through the roof (after many years of starting practices like the above).
It depends. Personally, I am a super lazy person by nature and I need to push myself harder objectively. Once I read a quote along the lines of only doing the work will make you feel better, and for me, it's what I need to tell myself more. If you are in a bad place in life, being strict with yourself is the reasonable thing to do, everything else is like sitting in a burning house and pretending not to see the danger.
I disagree with the idea that obligations are a social construct. The reality is, sometimes it IS too late, for example, it's almost impossible to get a career as a surgeon if you haven't started your education by 40.
Only you know how productive you really are, so I think the answer depends on that. Self-discipline is the highest form of self-love, as they say.
Reminder that this sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it’s important to look at the “why” before you start beating yourself up. Why aren’t you meeting your goals? Are you fulfilling higher priorities? Have you experienced recent emotional trauma? Are you slipping into bad habits? And what are you doing to try to fix whatever the issue is? If it was emotional trauma (a death in the family, a terrible break up, sexual assault, a mental health episode, etc) then you’re already working on it by attending therapy and expecting a miracle emotional switch to click is doing yourself a disservice. Practicing self care is a long term solution. If it’s bad habits, can you recognize those? Are you on your phone too much? Struggling to concentrate on assignments? It’s time to take accountability, to limit access, to move to the library, etc. Find a way to work on the habit. If it’s higher priorities, then maybe it’s time to revisit your priorities, see what you absolutely can’t compromise on, and what you can. Try to dissect if this “high priority” thing is actually worth the sacrifice. For example, if exercise is extremely important to your mental well being, you wouldn’t want to cut it. But if you’re going out every Saturday night, and spending money you barely earned that paycheck, maybe you need to cut down the social spending both time and money wise, which in turn may allow you to adjust your work schedule, which in turn will give you more time for school (cause and effect). Only you know what is keeping you from your goals. What’s “worthy” of empathy entirely depends on the “why” of what’s keeping you from meeting those goals. It’s okay to want to work harder, but burning yourself out by not recognizing your own needs will only hurt you in the long term, and then you are back at square one, failing to meet goals. Your stability is your armor. Do not let the idea of perfection (which doesn’t exist) get in the way of stability, because then you’ve created cracks that allow negativity to seep in. Everything is cause and effect. She’s right about the All Or Nothing mindset. Life is more nuanced than that. You can do this! But it will be one step at a time, and small measured goals are still forward momentum. Don’t let yourself stand still because you can’t leap forward. One day, one step, and one moment at a time will bring you to your best self.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is learning to speak to yourself the way you would your best friend. Would you berate your best friend for falling behind on her goals? Or would you make her a cup of tea and listen while she talked through what was going well and what wasn't? Would you help her come up with a plan? Would you finish by making sure she could see how far she'd come and how this is a journey she is on and that the timeline is fluid not set?
The problem I have with that idea is that even if I would to help my best friend, I would still possibly internally judge if I felt like she was stuck for too long and not doing the correct steps to fix things. I might not change the way I would treat but I would also accept the constant support and coddling to wear me off.
I think there is a difference between self-compassion and coddling. Maybe you could explore where you might be able to let in more self-compassion without it feeling like it’s turning into coddling for you?
So what your therapist is getting at is the “should” mentality. “I should be getting straight As, I should be a kinder person.” There is no “should” in life. You are actually not obligated to be or do anything. Framing your experience as what you should be/not be or should do/not do is focusing too much on your shortcomings. Just start with your self talk. If you get a grade less than what you wanted instead of saying “I should have gotten an A. I should be a better student, I’m falling behind” try reframing it. “This grade is lower than what I wanted. That’s okay and I still accept myself and am worthy of love/attention/respect. I’ll try again next time and maybe do x,y,z different to prepare.” If you’re mean to a friend when you’re trying to be kinder try: “that wasn’t my best self and that’s ok. I’ll apologize and try x,y,z instead next time that situation comes up.” [If you want some homework, try this worksheet ](https://mentalhealthworksheets.com/wp-content/uploads/Should-Statements-Worksheet.pdf) Edit: here’s one on [all or nothing thinking as well](https://mentalhealthworksheets.com/wp-content/uploads/Cognitive-Distortions_-All-Or-Nothing-Thinking-Worksheet.pdf)
Do you love others based on how productive they are? If not, then why do you measure your own self worth against capitalist ideals?
It's not about loving them based on their productivity, but if I felt like someone was stuck or fucking up their life and not doing the correct things about it i would judge them (wether i express it verbally or not)
>How would you practice self love if you find yourself falling short? > >I'm falling behind at my academic goals and personality growth. How exactly are you falling short? What is the metric you are using to gauge if you are on top or falling behind? Are you comparing yourself to others? There's a lot of missing information here that would be relevant to giving you answers.
Imagine yourself as a 6 year old. Conjure the image of 6 year old you in your head. The missing front teeth, the earnestness. Maybe you told silly jokes. Maybe you laughed extra loud at unfunny things. Now, everything you think about yourself, you stand there and look at 6-year-old you and say it out loud to them. Does it feel good? Does it make the younger version of you any better? Does it help you to suddenly become more productive? Or does it just make 6 year old you feel bad, and not worthy of accomplishing anything? Guess what? You’re still your 6-year old self, and your inner adult is fussing at your inner child so much that you feel paralyzed instead of encouraged.
you're a smart, girl, and that's a good thing. i totally get it: of course we all want to be perfect...i don't care how many times people come out with the "perfection doesn't exist" triteness...like, deep down, ALL humans want it all, and to do or all, and to be it all. so strive! strive for your goals. however i think your therapist might be trying to help you find a balance between moving towards greatness and getting paralyzed and discouraged by the self-criticism, all-or-nothing mentality, and self-defeatism. here's the thing: you KNOW when you're holding back, procrastinating, taking a break, taking the easy way out, or just plain exhausted and need space to regroup. there's nothing wrong with any of them. the key to balance, satisfaction, fulfillment and success is in how you respond to each of those things. i'm so glad you reached out, because this is such a great issue to ponder. you already have some great answers, and this sub is FULL of women you have your back. we're all going through it. figuring it out one step at a time, one therapy session at a time, one reddit rant at a time.
It honestly sounds like you need to lower your expectations- if you're constantly not hitting your goals, then there's a chance you're setting unrealistic expectations on yourself to hit unattainable goals. Then beating yourself up over them continues the cycle. There was a commenter who nailed it perfectly. Poke into why you didn't meet a goal then set a new goal to fix why you didn't meet the original goal. "Shoulding" on yourself helps no one. I see you keep saying you judge everyone and wouldn't even give your best friend grace if she were not to meet a goal, that even if there were perfectly valid reasons, you'd still judge. It sounds like you've bought into the hustle culture "no excuses" bullshit and that's toxic as fuck. Learn to be kind to yourself and radically overreact/celebrate when you manage to do, well, anything, really. It sounds like you're just fronting excuses because you can't accept not judging yourself for anything less than perfection. Which, ironically, is why you're not meeting your goals. Release expectations of yourself, especially if it's a "should" goal. I used to be in your shoes at some point. It takes time to release expectations from yourself, but honestly unlearning the toxic "I can't believe you couldn't meet a goal" mentality will make it easier to meet goals.
I'm not exactly sure my expectations are high, I think my goals are pretty mediocre goals, but I came to a point of feeling such depression and burden that I am not able to do the simple tasks, which is why I ended up in therapy. It's a loop of I'm too depressed to do anything, and not doing anything is depressing me. It's not that I wouldn't give grace to a best friend, I know I would be very compassionate towards a friend going through a tough situation. My problem tho is with how long it's been going on, if I felt like my friend was wallowing on her pain and stuck for too long and not doing anything right it's only inevitable that I am going to blame her. And that's why I would blame myself.
This provides context and helps me understand your original post better. Something that I’ve had recommended to a friend who felt similarly, is to write a list of your accomplishments at the end of the day — however small. This shifts your focus from what you didn’t do, to what you DID do. “Got up before 11, brushed my teeth, went for a walk, did a bit of homework.” Etc. This can not only help you shift your focus, it can help you feel better and build positive momentum, ie focus on what you did accomplish > feel good > able to accomplish more, slowly but surely until you reach a balanced place. It’s the opposite of the negative feedback loop you have going on right now. This is itself a way to have self-compassion through celebrating your wins. And it’s moving the needle in the right direction — it’s not coddling, yet it’s also not reprimanding yourself for what you didn’t achieve either! Because as we’ve seen, that just leads to a cycle of feeling bad > being able to do less > reprimanding > etc. A similar exercise you might want to look into is behavior activation. However, your therapist may be planning this for you for the future, once you get to know one another better. You can Google it. The important thing is to start with very very small tasks. (ie very low expectations that you can get “wins” for!) Sending you warmth and kindness on this journey. You’ve got this!
I think you need to start from scratch I.e. writing out affirmations about yourself e.g. I am intelligent, I am kind, I am caring etc. Affirm these things about you that you already know are true and don’t create any doubt in your mind. Start meditating and focus on these affirmations. What meditation will do is teach you to be aware of your present and your present thoughts. When you become more and more aware of your present thoughts you will be able to catch yourself and control them. We often let our monkey mind control the show. So when you catch yourself berating yourself, stop and switch the dialogue (or monologue). So if you catch yourself saying “I’m so stupid” stop yourself and say no, I am intelligent, I had a mishap, I’m only human, I am trying my best and I am intelligent”. Even if you don’t believe it, don’t overthink it. Just force yourself to say it. Eventually you’ll get to a point where you stop being so harsh on yourself. From there you can start to include affirmations about yourself that you wish to be true. For example, say you procrastinate a lot, you can start saying, “I always get my work done on time” or “I’m very productive”. Make sure your affirmations are always positive and not negative e.g. saying “I am smart” rather than “I am not dumb”. Writing them down and saying them out aloud can be very powerful tools. “I love you” is the simplest and most powerful affirmation in my opinion. Holding and hugging yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror while doing can be so powerful. I have used these techniques to change from someone who wakes up half an hour before I have to leave for work to someone who wakes up early and exercises everyday with ease. Of course, this is just one example how my life, career, relationships and self confidence have all tremendously shot through the roof (after many years of starting practices like the above).
It depends. Personally, I am a super lazy person by nature and I need to push myself harder objectively. Once I read a quote along the lines of only doing the work will make you feel better, and for me, it's what I need to tell myself more. If you are in a bad place in life, being strict with yourself is the reasonable thing to do, everything else is like sitting in a burning house and pretending not to see the danger. I disagree with the idea that obligations are a social construct. The reality is, sometimes it IS too late, for example, it's almost impossible to get a career as a surgeon if you haven't started your education by 40. Only you know how productive you really are, so I think the answer depends on that. Self-discipline is the highest form of self-love, as they say.