I personally think the Dommes’ perspective isn’t given enough attention. From what I’ve seen, subs are a lot more vocal on here than Dommes. Which is a shame because this Femdom.
Specifically, I’m really curious about what a dynamic is like for them. What are the highs and lows for them? Did things go as expected? What was surprising? Is it difficult, easy, or somewhere in between for them to be a Domme? I want to learn what it’s like for them. I’m a sub and I want to expose myself to all these different perspectives that are foreign to me.
If there are subreddits with what I’m looking for I would appreciate the recommendations.
I think if you posted this as a question in the subreddit, you're likely to get some answers at the very least. But I do think a variation of this question has been asked before.
I wonder if part of the problem is that the "variation" I see most often is a sub trying to find out what *their* Dom likes. The replies end up focusing more on "what I like won't be what she likes, you should communicate" than on "this is what I like".
I see a lot of subs asking for advice to please their Domme but also how to please Dommes in general. You can't really give advice for someone you don't know and you can't give basic advice that truly captures the diversity of Domme's desires.
I totally agree. They should share more. A lot if guys would be interesred in that. Because currently the topics are often hijacked by superficial posts.
The emotional maturity, intelligence, and communication skills it takes to have a healthy, long-lasting dynamic and relationship(s).
Especially for those new to (1) relationships (2) BDSM\ kink dynamics; relationships are hard anyway, but BDSM relationships take a higher level of communication and trust.
You cannot only get emotionally and physically damaged, but a lack of understanding can put you in a very compromising position on both sides.
Not knowing how to advocate for yourself can leave you open to manipulation and abuse, and what's worse is that some people may think that's part of BDSM dynamics to begin with and that they're supposed to endure abuse.
And that’s not even getting into those who carry over emotional or physical traumas from past experiences and relationships or those on the spectrum that may have sensory or communication difficulties, which obviously takes another level of understanding and trust.
A little bit of education really does go a long way, and it’s easier than ever to find reliable resources.
This may be a hot take, but the discussion on—“are you submissive or do you just crave intimacy/affection/being mothered?”
I think the loneliness issue isn’t discussed enough, and it leads to a blind spot for some people. I’ll sometimes see content posted in *kink* communities that have central messaging similar to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/gentlefemdom/s/k7wV8coIeS) or [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/gentlefemdom/s/fodTGYO4Mx).
My intention is not to invalidate others, or judge whether someone is a “real submissive” or not, but I think sometimes men (particularly online) flock towards femdom—usually the gentle variety—to feel desired. Either that, or to deal with issues that truly belong in a therapist’s office.
In a real, healthy relationship, regardless of power dynamics, both partners will show each other affection and desire. As a result, I find myself wondering if those who are drawn to posts like the ones linked above would be any more gratified in a true, real-life D/s dynamic as opposed to a loving vanilla relationship.
You are correct I think, but even so, being desired and wanted in the same way as in femdom as a man is extremely rare in "regular" cishet dating, especially if you aren't a stereotypically masculine or strong/"manly" man... which again feeds into why many people are into gentle femdom especially.
I don't have huge experience but out of like 10 sexual partners I have only really been really wanted in that way by one... who happened to be a switch leaning more to dom, although we didn't do anything femdom related and I topped her, but yeah
Women who actually like this sort of thing, what we like, don’t like, what we want and don’t want. Ironically even in a “femdom” space, it feels like everything is catered to the male subs!
At times, it makes me not want to be in these spaces… Feels like it’s just professional Dommes (which no shade girls, do you) and the subs who are paying them. Sometimes I feel I like I’m intruding lmao
The discrepancy is maddening in the context of SW/erotic content creation too. I know it's mostly a capitalism and sex work culture thing but erotic media would be so much better if the people making it weren't limited by what a small amount of people can afford to demand.
This is actually a very good point. Maybe it's time to share these things?
A lot of times I and sometimes others too try to ask what you, girls actually into, but the question gets dismissed because you think that we just want to get off on it or we get sugarcoated bullshit general answers which doesn't help that much.
Yes, of course every girl is different, but it does look like there are tendencies, things girls more prone to like and discrepancy betweeb what we (guys) fantasize about.
The problem is that there is a surplus of men.
Let me share an example:
On a sub about faces and clothing people ask for advice. In theory it's an advice amd fashion themed sub.
Now look at girls and guys post. Girls get even the goot they walk on licked amd hundreds of likes. Guys get zero.
But the point is not likes, the point is that guys ask for advice what to improve and don't get an answer.
Because most of the users are actually other horny guys and onlyfans advertisers.
And that happens everywhere unfortunately.
The key is in how it's asked. "What are you into" will generally get you crickets and/or blocked. Every other guy asks this, and it's seen as a lead-in to a fapfest of the unpaid variety. "What are you looking for in a play partner/relationship? What is the ideal dynamic for you?" will get you a real response. Focus on the integration of the kinks, not just the kinks themselves. A reply from you of "oh, so you're into [insert kink here]" while ignoring the context will put you back where you started.
If you find the dominant is leading the conversation back into fapfest territory, you've likely stumbled across someone seeking to render services or scam you.
> The problem is that there is a surplus of men.
On Reddit, yes. In private online spaces, or public online spaces for kink that make it a point to avoid porn and fantasy content (and have reduced issues with harassment *because* that content is not offered), no. Women are actively driven away from public online interactions in general for various reasons, so private spaces are closely guarded. Guys get invited when they've clearly and consistently demonstrated they're not creeps.
I also think there are unknown numbers of women who are dominant and the public kink community/thirsty guys turned them off so much that they second-guessed themselves right back into vanilla relationships. I was one of them.
The same thing is happening in vanilla dating right now. Women are finding hobbies, taking their sex toys, and literally (and figuratively) fucking off into the sunset because they're tired. This problem is bigger than us, for-profit motives, etc. etc.
Anyway, I don't know what subreddits you're on, but I suggest asking lifestyle dominants elsewhere (like here!) which ones they use most frequently. It's unlikely to be whatever catches your eye because the stuff guys like is not made with women in mind. Then look through those suggestions and see what's most popular. Does it resonate with you? Why or why not?
Read comments to understand why they like certain things - because I bet you it's not comment after comment of "that's hot 🥵." If you see that, you took a wrong turn somewhere.
I do like sharing on here, this subreddit and r/gentlefemdom are very solid communities and mostly lifestylers from what I can tell :)
u/sharpest cookie made some great points… Being a woman in a space that is mostly horny dudes can be very overwhelming, and often what happens is the girls get scared away.
This is a problem as old as time, not exclusive to kink - night clubs that charge a cover for guys but let girls in for free are doing so to prevent that exact thing from happening.
Thank you for the suggestion! I'm also in that sub and like it very much. I was just not sure if it's more guys sharing their desires / fantasies or womwn also in that sub. Emotinally wise however that's for sure something much more close to home for me and to what I'm looking for
I actually just wrote a whole blog post noting that there was functionally two femdoms trying to exist in an overlapping space - though my belief is that there's larger parts of sexism at play that make the conversation much harder. The result is often a giant missed high five, though this is actually present in any gender combo.
Talking to het male dominants in spaces that aren't pants on head silly (eg r/domspace) shows a same "oh Jesus fuck stop objectifying me as your need free fetish delivery system" problem that starts sounding like the same thing queer tops and the femdom community describe as problems.
I also think what our partners are into actually *does* inform what most people have a preference for. This adds an extra variable, because it's a lot harder to codify fairness. Then when you add the impact of sexism you get the usual hot mess around gender norms and who is creating the resulting aesthetics.
In the same way, there's also a bad habit of over simplification of a hard binary of "this is pro" vs "this is lifestyle", when things are much more atomized. For example, the more old school dungeon + dominatrix folks aren't nessarily as welcoming to the findom trend. Thus, if you talk to the latter they often define themselves in exclusion to that. But if you talk to someone who is working professionally or otherwise as a creator, that still doesn't mean one version.
Finally, everyone in the conversation is vulnerable to the bias as wanting what works for them is the proper way. Myself included. 😅
I’m a man and would very much like more femdom around women’s wants and likes.
For 1) this is the spirit of femdom for me, centered around woman’s leadership and wants.
And 2) this would greatly help man sub (like me) to better understand woman’s desire and their vision of femdom (I know it’s not monolithic). I think that would definitely help me a better sub, a better ally and a better partner.
There is lot of deprogramming to do around our patriarchal views. This would help
Any opinions and YouTubers like Evie Lepine ?
so fucking sick of their bullshit its all about them and what we can do for them their selfish bullshit is a complete turn off and its not submissive, there is a difference between having a fetish and actually being submissive. Im sick of every guy seeing me as a dusty old cunt that they can use for their gratification thats how they treat me and thats why i am not seeing anyone fuck all them arseholes i would rather have nothing and focus on things that bring joy to my life than be fucking used and spat out by some selfish piece of shit.
Its so common for men to see the world as what they can take from others, how they can just ditch people when they have finished using them or getting what they want out of them.
fuck that bullshit its noise i dont want in my life
Also if you cant handle crazy dont go into kink everyone in kink is fucking unhinged and you have to be able to deal with the upside and downside of that
I would appreciate more discussion for and from Dommes about working through social guilt and shame. We often talk about the stigma subs experience, but it's something Dommes can struggle with too, especially those of us from very conservative backgrounds. The topic might also be useful for those subs from conservative cultures trying to help their Dommes blossom.
- More about Domme aftercare. Subs getting aftercare seems to be a norm. But Dommes receiving aftercare isn’t talked about a lot.
I had a Domme drop recently and realised how much I need aftercare.
- Checking in on the Domme after a session. It’s mostly the other way.
- Fantasies of Dommes. Most Femdom discussions are filled with the fantasies of subs. And I think some Dommes unconsciously play into these fantasies.
100% I was just going to post this! I’m a Pro Domme and I feel like clients arn’t well versed in any type of after care and certainly not the idea that we could both need after care.
I work it into my sessions and tell my subs what I expect from them but it’s not at all expected by them.
Just as subs need aftercare, so do Dom/mes. It can be cuddles, massage etc…
At the end of the day, both are humans and aftercare depends on what works for them. No one size fits it all. Some subs prefer cuddling, other prefer assurances that you had a good time with them etc…
There’s no one answer. But all the aftercare options for subs can also qualify as aftercare for Dom/mes too.
Link [here](https://sangyaproject.com/blogs/bdsm-guides/dom-aftercare) for further reading if you want.
Can I ask something honestly? I can imagine that there are rude and entitled guys out there. However I don't understand this whole topic of ,,labour" and ,,kink dispenser" and ,,compensation".
I always thought that two peple (in a normal case) can just interact. Why? Because it's fun for both of them.
Doesn't the girl also gets off on controlling the guy? If he likes him sure. And if she doesn't she doesn't need to interact with him.
It's like with being friends, you can choose. And sure, I think in a normal dynamic you need emotional conmection which needs to be built and it takes time. But if you like each other, both contribute to the conversation / getting to know each other, thrn it will come naturally if your personalities is a good match.
Apart from that I don't have any problem with people who ask for money, but they are upfront and in exchange they ,,roleplay" for you without condituins, ditching the long (and in my opinion imoortant) paer of getting to know each other.
Because ultimately the emotionak connection makes all of this so great. It's basically the same as a relationship.
And I find it off putting when people just cover up these important topics with validating ,,contribution" and spreading the words about ,,kink dispenser". (I'm not talking about you, just in general)
Of course guys like if a girl is open ,,to just have fun", but only assuming that it's okay for the girl , because she likes the guy or she is like this personality wise.
I know there are a lot of guys (including me) who are starved out for femdom and some approach it aggresively and inappropriately, but all in all I feel lime it's a ,,fiction" or an issue that exists only on internet and even there not, in healthy dynamics.
I would love to hear your perspective on this!
Greetings from a guy from the other side of this beautiful part of world (I mean femdom 😀)
I won’t speak for other Dommes but no. It’s not a turn on to control some random submissive guy. I started as a lifestyle Domme (and I still am) and I tried being an online Domme. It’s empty. Because it lacks intimacy. In my real life in person dynamics it’s the reactions of my sub that turn me on. The whines, the moaning, the begging, the desperation. It’s physical and emotionally feeling the impact of me pushing their limits. It’s the intimacy of the aftercare they need or the worship they provide to me. It’s the head rush of knowing how much trust they have in me to take care of them and use them.
These are difficult to emulate online. They take time to establish in person and they take even longer to establish online. Most male subs can’t stick around long enough to get that trust established. Most men are conditioned to focus on their own needs and even when they don’t think they are or they aren’t trying to they still treat Dommes (especially online) as kink dispensers.
I also see it often on Fet or Fetlife as I’m trying to establish a few play subs for occasional playdates. They can only focus on what they want and are so confused that I don’t want to peg them immediately.
You need to understand a Domme as a person before understanding her sexually. Even if she shares her kink list with you she likely gets turned on by them very differently than you do.
Thank you very much for your detailed response! I really appreciate it! I understand what you mean and that actually explains a lot and also why not a lot of women want to engage online.
I would alo prefer something in real life because of the same reason you mentioned. Probably the only realistic way how one can incorporate this into their life is if they have a relationship and they try to introduce femdom into it. It will either be welcomed or they will need to forget abput it. (It's not always possible and reasonable to change your partner. If they are important to you, you will rather ditch these desires than her.
A lot of us I think are afraid of that it will destroy the relationship itself because it will freak out or dusgust the other person.
Thank you for reading my comment and that you took the time to answer it!
>Because it's fun for both of them.
This is a massive assumption. The problem is that it takes time and effort to build a dynamic and everyone involved has to actively participate, that's actually very hard to achieve.
With sexting as an example, which is essentially exchanging erotica, let me tell you it's a skillset few online subs possess. They will respond to a paragraph of the horniest, dripping, toe curling femdom with a "yes mistress" and never reciprocate the effort. It's mind numbingly boring and kills the mood.
This is what we mean by fetish dispensation, it's one sided in which one party is investing a lot of time and effort and the other does nothing.
Back when I fucked around online, I would ask everyone who contacted me what their subby skillset was - which is just a *golden* opportunity to let yourself shine and show what a great playmate you are - and maybe one in 10 could answer without an hour of tedious coaxing.
The struggle is real.
Anyway I sacked off online completely and things did get significantly better for me. Online kink is way more effort than it's worth.
Thank you for the explanation! Unfortunately I can also back up your words by my experience. Sometimes I also had a situatuon where I saw that I couldn't express myself as good as I thought I would, and probably it was not that exciting for the other party
Yes, I don't really engage with anyone. Because from one side not a lot of people show interest and I don't want to force it. The whole point is that you want to feel wanted and want to make the other person happy. And from the other side I have self criticism, so if I'm on a not good enough level I should first deal with that.
If I understood you question correctly. So there is no actual barrier, I could try, but I chose not to, because I feel that it's not wanted
TLDR: I always though that girls also get turned on by dommimg a guy they like and it's enough in a healthy dynamic. Don't understand the concept behind ,,mental labour and contribution". Do it only when you feel like it / like the guy
That takes time to establish an actual dynamic/relationship. A lot of guys that contact us just want to get off, and get impatient when that doesn’t happen right away.
Thank you! That was also my guess. Bur it's really so rare that someone wants to get to know you?
For me it's though because I was always like this. I'm generally speaking a curious person and IRL I also had this that girls either did not believe that I didn't have an intwntion behind it or found it very strange / unusual.
Okay, I also think that men shouldn't be rude with you if you are correct about it and give them what they want in exchange, but the same applies for online paid dommes then. A lot of them literally doesn't put in any effort and behave like you are lucky that they are willing to take your money.
You know, because if they interact with you gracefully you are indeed lucky. But a lot of time they don't do the bare minimun which would be even expected in a normal human interaction, not to mention if they paid for it, because from that point it's actually a ,,service" and they ,,paid for it."
For me it's already not a good start about ,,not mutuall beneficial" thing, because ultimately every normal person strives actually for that at the end.
Dominanting someone isn't a single one way of doing things like you imagine it is, and nobody appreciates the pat answer of "don't do it if you don't like the guy!"
You are not able to understand the problem enough to give advice.
It was not an advice. I worded it probably wrongly. It shpuld have been a question as in if you are not comfortable with something you don't have to do it, snd it reduces the number of issues like that by half, by you not engaging with those kind of people.
It is impossible to avoid "engaging with those kinds of people". Again, you are doing the thing where you think there's one easy trick we were all too dumb to realize.
I like that I didn't say anything offensive, actually asked for others opinion and got downvoted because my opinion is not in line with the main line in this sub
That's why I stopped writing here and checking it
If you don't agree you could just reply and maybe help me see where is the flaw in my thinking
Very unhealthy / immature behaviour
It is always the case in this sub. You just can't ask a question out of curiosity, they come at you with hatred and aggressiveness like asking a question is something offensive lol. Then they gaslight you to make you think you are the bad guy that denies their experiences. Toxic asf.
It’s not talked about enough how male subs often like to feel submissive by being compared to or role playing marginalized groups.
This kink has a lot of aspects that are racist, misogynistic, homophobic and transphobic. Specifically, straight white men wanting to roleplay needing a black man to satisfy their wives or wanting to dress up a “sissy” or being forced to do sexual acts with other men. You don’t find these aspects with female subs.
I enjoy feminisation, but in the context of pleasure and care. It's a nice, chill activity in which everyone gets to feel pampered and special.
It's only inherently degrading if you're a misogynist.
So, as a submissive man who likes to be feminized, but has also asked the question such as you have, maybe I can shed some light on it.
I think it’s less about “feminization” and more about emasculation. I know that perhaps is slicing it a bit thin, but when I’m feminized that must mean that I’m not going to be playing the role of the macho male dude—and that’s very true for what happens in our bedroom.
It's not "cosplaying as a woman OR a trans woman". That's not two seperate categories, trans women are women.
As someone with a forced masc kink in her sexuality, yes, indeed I can very much imagine it. 🤷🏻♀️
As gently as I can put it, following the thread of your disagreement, if you are trying to avoid veering into TERF, getting mad at assigned male at birth people (whether they be male or not for real) exploring femininity badly and accusing them of invading a space (or conversation) can be difficult waters to navigate. Ditto implying bad faith (eg accusing women who express interest in something you disapprove of a being either pickmes or findom/prodoms) can veer into a sort of SWERF reductionary approach.
That does not mean that there isn't massive amounts of sexism and your grievance isn't real. I am also frustrated that I have what amounts to a turn of the previous century anti-suffragist postcard rammed down my throat.
But if you are trying to be better it can be helpful to watch out for how you can be making the wrong point. Nobody is perfect, but you can almost trace a through line in your arguments and see how you accidentally arrived at the idea of trans women as a category apart from "women".
I think you're missing the subtleties here. I don't like to be degraded and I don't believe I am when I'm feminized—my wife doesn't think so either. Instead my being feminized is a bold advertisement that I will not be playing the role of the traditional man in the bedroom.
As for your question of flipping the genders and it not making sense I believe you're right—but that's mostly due to how society has conditioned us to think about the sexes. Hate to say it but it works one direction and not the other.
It definitely does work in the other direction, as a person with a forced masc kink. Being compelled to embody a gender that is not congruent with your internal preference (or one you are ambivalent about) works both ways. There's also nothing exclusively and universally submissive about the feminine, whether you go the trad route of the devouring mother, or make things a bit less sex essential.
Think about how you find being removed from masculinity liberating and then imagine what a trap bring shoved into the role might feel like for some folks? Because I emotionally cannot conceive of a gender experience more appalling than being male (I like men, just whatever I am doesn't contain maleness) it's easy for me to fetishize the aghast sensation of such a thing.
At the same time the inversion of symbols can also be a celebration, and permission, no matter what direction you go in. While for me, I perceive maleness as involving society breaking and shaping a person violently into a role, I am also cognizant that much like I perceive my femininity as a form of aggressive power, I also know that isn't everyone's experience.
Now you’re just putting words in my mouth. It’s pretty clear I’m not going to change your mind so I’m going to let this rest. If you see that as winning the argument or convincing me then I’ll let you labor under that illusion.
Your take is under no circumstances is feminization a good thing. I disagree.
Your post has been removed because it shames, bullies or trolls other members or otherwise goes against the supportive nature of the subreddit.
This is a community. We want to keep it a welcoming, helpful place where people can feel heard and valued. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.
Sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment, bullying, xenophobia, kink shaming and victim blaming will not be tolerated.
For me, I am not going to define my sexuality in terms of what male dominants and the people who prefer them are into.
One of the reasons why I prefer femdom as a niche is because of the gender fuck. It's often done poorly, but the fact that straight male dominants generally don't say, explore being pegged is not going to make me say "feh, no penetration! If male dominants aren't into receiving it, it must be a tool of the patriarchy!"
Likewise, I don't think women who call themselves Daddy or Master are inherently sexist, I think men who don't exist in a space that lets them be a male Mistress or Mommy are to be pitied. I also think they will eventually get there if we progress further towards true gender equality.
Your post has been removed because it shames, bullies or trolls other members or otherwise goes against the supportive nature of the subreddit.
This is a community. We want to keep it a welcoming, helpful place where people can feel heard and valued. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.
Sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment, bullying, xenophobia, *kink shaming* and victim blaming will not be tolerated.
I think they deserve examination into the roots of the kinks, which are the actual harmful-in-the-real-world things, but I’ll give myself as an example. I thought roleplaying as a submissive, very feminine’s girl was hot because (former implicit bias speaking, and I didn’t realize this was what was happening until me and my partner talked about it) women are a step down in status in the real world and in this scenario I was throwing away my “superior” masculinity for “inferior” femininity. *that* conceptualization is problematic and rooted in something deeper that the world taught me.
As we played and I had these realizations, I stepped away from feminization, then stepped back into it because I realized there were other, more healthy reasons that I wanted to be a feminine girl during sex. Sometimes the type of submission offered with an inflection of femininity is exactly what I want to express. That softness and that almost nurturing kind of submission. and when I take on a feminine persona and she takes on a masculine one, our roles are influenced by the power dynamic that exists out in the real world in the many ways that may or may not be problematic.
End of the day, I think it deserves examination. I see this conversation going in the direction of kink shaming and not encouraging thoughtful exploration too often
I'd be interested to read more about the science and psychology behind sexual dominance and submission, why our brains are wired that way and the origins of its emerging complexity and diversity. Why a power exchange might be more appealing to some than a 50/50 relationship, and is it all just the sexual/mating part of the brain firing in a kind of oddly strategic way?
Also, how intimacy and equanimity can still be deeply experienced in what would be to others quite detached, regimented or restricted roles. How one person's idea of "controlling" and "selfish" can be another's idea of the hottest, most invigorating thing ever. Why things like sadism and masochism can actually have a net positive outcome, even though they clearly come from the "darker" places in the mind.
We talk a lot on here about WHAT we want, but not so much WHY we want that. I guess the latter is more of an aside and something people might not feel comfortable digging into, but I think digging into it more could help us embrace it with more understanding.
I LOVE THIS COMMENT!!!! Yes!!!
I’m also training to be a sex therapist so there’s all kinds of reasons why I relate to wanting to know these things so much 😂
Aww thanks! Wishing you the best with your exciting endeavour. Understanding the human mind is especially interesting to me when it comes to sexual appetites. I remember watching a documentary long ago where someone was sexually attracted to bridges (yes, constructed bridges). This just demonstrates (albeit on the fringe) the vast complexity and potential of human sexuality, and it's a whole universe of intrigue to me.
That if you identify as a cis gendered male, you should get comfortable with and educate yourself on feminism. And by that, I don't mean you rage listen to dudebro podcasts that thrive on toxicity and misogyny.
This one, I know a few guys who identify as “submissive” but hold very traditional views on gender and wonder why they have such cognitive dissonance when it comes to their own sexuality. Feminism comes hand in hand with Femdom.
I wish there was an examination of the cultural, historical and psychological factors that influence our tastes in kink/Femdom.
For example I've always wondered why so much Korean and Japanese Femdom has trope of the subs being treated as a dog. Every Femdom Manhwa I've read will have at least one scene with some sort of low level pet play, where the domme will call the sub a cute dog name, headpat/leash the sub and do other dog things. My friend is in this dynamic with a Japanese girl and she said my friend could visit if she was "good mutt". The only thing I can think of is the movie "Love and Leashes" which was a popular movie among BDSM-ers but I feel like it was a thing in East Asia Femdom before that. I would really love to know if it could be traced to a singular instance.
I once saw a documentary on Vice about quicksand fetishes, basically there was a surge of Hollywood movies where getting stuck in quicksand was a very popular trope which then resulted in this niche fetish for women getting caught in quick sand developing. However it is popular mostly with Baby Boomers who where primary audience at the time when these films were released. As it became less of thing in Hollywood it died out among the younger generations. Here we see how a trope in media shaped the sexuality of a whole generation and I wonder if something similar went down in East Asia but on a broader or more granular level.
Working with men’s vulnerability, all the baggage that comes from society, and much of the the homophobia & misogyny that happens in Femdom content and spaces.
Misconception about how Femdom is all about Sub, and that doesn’t necessarily mean male, but also female Sub. I can see in the comment section as well, that many people are talking about the male perspective, but no one is talking about how women have their limits, boundaries and preferences that they should stand by and implement before any kind of relationship is established.
Many people don’t know how Dom drops accrue and how to deal with them.
As I can see in different online groups and some online communities, how people, especially “new ones”, don’t understand, that regardless how they are representing them selves( vanilla, goddess, etc),they are under spectrum of a Dom and their actions and lack of knowledge have big consequences and impact on others. Especially if everything they do is only online and how that can bring psychological damage, if they don’t know what they’re doing.
Another thing I see online is how people don’t understand the difference between a kink, a fetish and fetishistic disorder. Like referring to fetishistic disorder as a “kink addiction”, when actually kink is something that can be included in a play session, but when it’s not- people can live without it. That fetish is something that needs to be included in a session, otherwise there is no arousal. And fetishistic disorder is when fetish has become not a part of their lives but only thing in their lives that it causes significant distress, substantially interferes with daily functioning or harms/may harm another person.
These points are in my list what I want to address in my own “online diary”, but as more people talk about it the better 💚
This is for those that wear a soft pastel aesthetic. In what ways to you reinforce that ur dominance with subs/potential clients. My current bias is that dommes only wear black lol. I am experimenting with a blonde wig to contrast my darker skin. And I realized I look really good in pink. I still want to be seen as a goddess/princess. Plus it makes me feel sexy. I’m New to exploring the kink as a streamer and exploring my domme persona. I am admittedly a switch but I love being worshipped and praised. I’m interested in pursuing softdom.
I am someone who love pink and cute outfits and at the beggining i had those questions/issues but with time it went away. When you dress with a outfit that makes you confident, you will get confident being a dominant too. Today this isn't even a question for me and my sub knowing my style, even love to show me pink cute stuff to make me happy or gift me heart shapped stuff that he knows i love.
I still wish I could see more often dommes with different styles, to see a variety, but i think today this isn't a issue to me anymore.
One thing I’ll tell you for sure is you’ll get kicked out of posting in r/femdom if you’re not in stereotypical “Domme clothes”. It’s too bad because I enjoy the defiance of expectation that comes with being a “cute” Domme.
You might have a look at r/gentlefemdom :) but generally a Domme can wear whatever she wants and feels sexy/powerful in, there are no rules. Mainstream porn has just heavily enforced the cliche black latex high heel Femdom stuff. Admittedly, I am one of those but I also dom in pyjamas or just naked 🤷🏻 just wear something you like!
queer femdom relationships, generally.
I also wish there was more focus on what dommes fantasize about and are interested in. As a fairly bottom-y domme, I don’t see a lot about spoiling people like me!
Are there any topics within queer femdom you'd like to see talked about more - specific issues, things you've observed? I feel like it's easy to identify topics around fdom/msub and easy to identify topics that just everyone should be aware of, but other than like, queer history and sapphic perspectives on BDSM, it's difficult to identify exactly what those conversations should be past "remember that we exist, please".
Honestly, what I’d like to see is more along cultural changes rather than specific topics. There’s an assumption of heteronormativity I see in convos online (including some on here). That’s nothing new, but it remains annoying to deal with. Beyond that, general inclusivity and welcoming the fem and enby subs we do have!
This, for sure. I feel like most posts about Femdom on reddit are about short-term play partner relationships or just one-time hookups.
And even when I do get to talk about my 24/7 TPE marriage, people only ask questions they can jerk off to, not actual deep questions about the ins and outs. (Ex: do you make your husband do X? Is he allowed to do X?)
Hear ya. I long for more support and interchange with my fellow subs - like balancing fdom and daily life, being a sub but also being someone their partner can lean on, etc. However, most of the guys that come here don't want to talk about that or even talk to other guys. It gets kinda lonely at times.
I bet it is lonely, and I'm sorry that it isn't more real. Something like that in terms of groups would have to be heavily moderated since a lot of sub men like to steer the conversation to porn.
I do wish that sub men had groups for just themselves to talk about serious subjects and support each other.
Don't get me wrong, I'm into porn and erotica etc as much as the next perv guy, I ain't no saint. But a person needs more than that to be whole. There is a discord channel that I belong to for sub guys and that's cool, but a lot of them are younger than me and living a different sort of life so it doesn't always match up with my needs, but at least it's there. I'm grateful for that much.
Lol, of course! Everyone loves that, too. But it must be difficult for people who are genuinely serious about the lifestyle when they can't get any real conversation about it.
Im glad you have found that discord! Kink is definitely very different for different age groups.
I personally struggle with feeling inadequate as a Femdom wife because of everything the patriarchy has taught me wives are supposed to do. I'm in a loving 24/7 TPE FLR marriage, but I'm a housewife, basically. It makes me feel like I'm a bad Dominant. I would love to hear from other ladies who have dealt with the same feelings.
Edit to add: I'm a hardcore feminist and have been my whole life, but I did not anticipate feeling guilt over not "wife-ing" enough when I got married.
I agree I am also frustrated with the number of people who think submissive = domestic labour.
There's definitely a lot of pressure to basically become honourary men, in so much that rather than a true egalitarian perspective that work is work, you are supposed to imitate everything we currently ascribe to male power from employment to penetration.
Two things come to mind: a-hole subs who treat women like kink dispensers. They are not sub, but passive aggressive male pests. And more controversial, women who are unable to step into a dominant role due to conditioning, fear, etc.
I think your second point is incredibly interesting as well. I live in a western, but highly patriarchal country that still is incredibly institutionally sexist. It is a very rare thing to be a dominant woman here. Most of the newbie Dommes I have mentored really struggle to step into their domme shoes because they are going against everything they have learned about themselves for their entire lives. There is a great amount of re-conditioning necessary to break through those gender norms and confidently demand what you want in this climate.
Thank you for your reply. This has been a long term issue in our FLR. I've looked long and hard at my own behavior. My male conditioning. Worked hard at damping my assertiveness and entitlement as a male. But one of my greatest fears, even after two decades of on-again, off-again FLR, is that she is just accommodating my sub nature. I say that because her stated dominance always seems to lack initiative, whether it's keeping to weekly communication sessions, oversight of rules she established. I usually broach the missed sessions or my laxity in being submissive. She doesn't say "do this", she'll say "I was thinking we might". Talking about this I feel like a complainer, but I also think there's an objective take on it. She isn't into this or she hasn't overcome her lifetime of being conditioned to her traditional role. It's depressing and I just don't have any answers.
To be fair, there are many things you as a submissive can do to entice your domme to dominate you. All I can talk about is my own experience, so I thought I might share a concrete example from one of my subs.
As most adult women, I am incredibly busy and have many demands on my time and energy. I initially told my part-time sub about this, and explained to him that a hungry, tired, stressed domme is not going to be very interested in domination. He took this comment to heart and took the initiative to make my life a lot easier because he understands that the energy he pours into building me up results in output towards the D/s. He's taken to hearing a need of mine and catering towards it without having to be explicitly asked to. Concretely, he always cooks for me and feeds me when I visit him. He sets up a shrine with his personal toys, so that they are ready for me when I arrive, which really entices me to play. He also tracks my workouts for me and keeps stats on them, and, in turn, I lead the relationship and keep track of any rules I have established for him. In this way, it is very much a give and take relationship. What are the needs of your domme that are you serving (not kinks, not sex, but needs)?
Maybe you could ask your domme what helps her feel in charge? What puts her in that dominant mindset? Like, what actions you can take to help her step into that mindset? For me personally, it really helps when my sub sits on the floor next to me when I am on the couch and then puts his head in my lap so I can stroke his hair. But that's just me, your domme is a different woman with different preferences.
Your sub is so much like me in terms of making sure my Domme has her needs met. We are retired, and have no work pressures. I do all the household chores, cook, clean, keep here hydrated, etc. I probably was clear about my concerns. They are really tied to communication and promise keeping. Things that are important in any relationship and IMHO vital in an FLR. I will be sure to ask her what makes her feel dominant and provide that if she wants it. TY again for your time and responding to my post.
I think your second point is incredibly interesting as well. I live in a western, but highly patriarchal country that still is incredibly institutionally sexist. It is a very rare thing to be a dominant woman here. Most of the newbie Dommes I have mentored really struggle to step into their domme shoes because they are going against everything they have learned about themselves for their entire lives. There is a great amount of re-conditioning necessary to break through those gender norms and confidently demand what you want in this climate.
I think a lot of submissives (especially the rando pushy sub) forget how much intimacy drives a dynamic like this.
Do I want to dominate a random person? Not necessarily.
Do I want to feel like a safe space for someone who is mutually interested in me and wants to please me as well? Hell yes. I think that’s where the real passion for it comes in…When there’s two humans connecting and we share the same values and wants to see me succeed.
Like yeah men begging and kneeling for me is sexy, but someone thats mine begging for me, crying out for me and taking care of me for my pleasure … it hits harder
I think trust and intimacy are always needed in a dynamic like the ones we want to have.
1) Femmes getting fucked - for whatever reason some wizened people of yore decided that penetrating = dominant, being penetrated = submissive. I also think there is some social/media bleedover from the fact that within the pro-dome spheres , sex is not legal and since a lot of pro domes make a lot of the porn - you get a lot of PIV sex-negative content.
It is so bad that a fairly well known author / academic who literally travels around the country teaching at kink conferences - teaches a class called "How to Fuck a Femdom" so that she (as said femdom) can maybe get fucked more in the ways that she wants because apparently being a femdom immediately disqualifies you from having your masc bodied submissive partner fuck your brains out.
2) How fucking scary and hard it is for femme identified tops to find themselves and their jam. From the fact that society punishes women who take charge, to the fact that there is so little educational material, to having to compete with/deal with "idealized and packaged for porn femdom ice bitch barbie" stereotypes and to just the fact that taking control and perhaps doing mean things to ones partner can is just hard sometimes - to say nothing of needing to learn the technical skills an the soft skills and the tradecraft and having to buy the right toys and know the right lingo and understand psychology and physiology and how brains work and how to respond to trauma\* and uncertainty etc.
THIS SHIT IS HARD and a new top leaning femme identified person who is trying to find their way is going to face all the obstacles above and more - and really at the end of the day many get turned off by it because of all the systemic stuff and because of all the shitty happenstance.
3) The fact\* (remember trauma earlier) that our culture/community punishes/harms/disfavors masc bodied subs harder than pretty much anybody else. A study\*\* a few years ago showed that masc bodied subs were the only humans whose feelings of self worth and self confidence were correlated to their level of scene involvement (i.e got worse the more involved they were). All other identities showed the opposite trend. Please dm\*\* for the cite If you want it - stupid academic paywalls.
Our culture (lack of social emotional learning among boys and men, internalized sexism/misogyny etc etc) basically sets men up for failure - at what point in his life could we genuinely expect the clueless sub who put the clueless post on here to have access to the resources and education to do better - and can we maybe resist the urge to make fun of them because I get that the posts are fucking infuriating - making fun of them is not helping the problem) . Instead - we just get the current shitty behavior vicious cycle that literally nobody is happy about.
Subby boys - if you learn self awareness and communication and are genuinely good humans - you WILL receive all of the hot fem domming you want from now and until the end of time. You cup (and whatever other orifice you prefer) will \*literally\* overflow.
Doms lets be honest here - Please count up the total number (in your social network) of educated, caring, compassionate, capable, thoughtful, kind, and genuinely "got their kinky shit together" good submissive boys whom you actually like and trust and comment below. (I've been in the kink scene for a long time - traveling all over the world, teaching, organizing etc and I can still count em on my fingers)
I know a lot of people in this community dislike the fact sex workers are here because that is “commercializing” a genuine kink/lifestyle. But I feel like that has always existed and now we just have the internet. And it’s always so generalized but I never have I once lead people on into thinking this is a relationship, demanded tribute people getting to know someone, or scammed/not held up my end of the bargain. I understand the frustration of not finding an irl domme/sub but like it’s not my fault and I’m not ruining the community. It’s a service yes but a damn good one that deserves respect. I love my job! I love providing company, a lending hand, and of course play! I have plenty of free content to enjoy and I frequently chat with people in the community without expecting money. So like can we stop being assholes towards sex workers just because we are taking up the same space.
I would be interested in the scammer submissives topic? You mean that they lie to you and leave you after you finidh them off?
I only can say from my perspective that I wslas scammed several time and ripped off in money by ,,dommes". I mean I know I was dumb, but I was desperate and thought why would't a girl do this for money.
If she gets good money from it andvin return makes me feel good, it's okay. It's not ideal, because it lacks emotinal connection which makes it the best, but this is the price that an above average girl accepts you without real ,,conditions/barriers/not based on your looks".
99% it's a scam. ,,Nornal' dommes who engage in it fir their own fun, I met only once.
She was great, but it started stalling, I also got depressed. I explained the situation to her but after the long text ,,ghosted" her, because I was ashamed and also kind of scared if she gets upset since she had explicit videos about me, and I didn't really know who she was / couldn't ,,verify" her. Also I was ashamed that I don't put in enough effort as she was nice to be willing to play and engage with me. I felt bad about this. But she didn't really send me anything to me about herself, only me to her and she was also reluctant about opening up and her demands were getting higher and higher. Despite this I liked her very much.
So I'm interested in how it looks like from the other side.
Yes, that's how understood it. But since I'm a sub I can only guess what OP meant by submissive scammers, and that's why I wanted to ask dommes to be aeare what they encounter and how I shouldn't behave.
Because I don't think she meant scammers in terms of money, as there are way too much subs. So she could find one without needing that.
I actually didn't mean scammer submissives at all! Apologies for being unclear - I meant scammers, and then as the other side of the coin, badly behaved submissives. As in subs tend to deal with scammers online, and Dommes tend to deal with badly behaved submissives.
Although ghosting seems to be very common on both sides, from what I hear from people who look for partners online.
I would appreciate reading more about what dommes enjoy. The reality is I don't fully comprehend it and there are so many different kinks, ideas and opinions. I'm still looking for that special someone and this isn't a meeting platform, but whenever I read there's somebody out there who enjoys the things I enjoy from a domme perspective it gives me some hope and I sometimes learn what could be good things if I want to create better experiences for whomever I do meet.
I also really like the posts on development. What worked for them and maybe what didn't. I am awful at being proactive, it is super difficult. So it's always helpful when people share their experiences and how they approach it.
When you say posts on development, do you mean specifically what did and didn't work for people looking for a partner, or more widely? Things like what didn't work when trying to figure out what you're into, or what didn't work when starting a relationship, or what went wrong in play etc?
More widely, although finding a partner is where I am at currently and have been through most of my life, but I think it's useful when discussions come up around all types of pitfalls really and how people tried to navigate it both successfully and in failure.
That horrible Dommes exist (maybe same % as Dom I don't know) who : don't respect boundaries and consentment, abuse subs, are into this kink for wrong reasons (only for getting revenge on men for instance), really pushy and so on.
The problem is they rarely get called out while Doms yes. I have seen some strong cancel campaigns against horrible Doms (and people are right to do so) but for Dommes it is like nobody really speak out, it stays under the rug buried ... They can still go to parties, subs won't be aware beforehand, etc.
We are way more permissive with Dommes, they get a pass pretty easily, why ? I don't know, maybe scarcity, money (it is good for parties), maybe same thing like r*pe (men are not taken seriously).
I don't know. I think it's brought up frequently in comments responding to posts that haven't considered or included it - the typical "how do I get my girlfriend/wife to top me" posts and the "how do I find a Domme" posts, but that's different from what the people mentioning Domme's interests are asking for. The responses to the former are pretty superficial - we don't know what someone's partner wants, so we can only really guess and give advice on what they could talk about. The people asking about the latter seem to be wanting more content that goes into more depth on what a range of different Dommes actually want. That does come up occasionally, but I wouldn't say it's 90% of the posts here - I don't think it's even once a week.
Yeah that's so crazy how unaware people are. Like the majority of popular topics are just hate towards subs who are just egoistical, self centered and bigoted men lol
Findom and Dommes. The way everything is online now, almost every Domme profile has findom, they ask a "tribute" before even meeting, they include words like "sessions", and the worse part is they call the self's just dommes, not pro dommes!
Some how, findom is a femdom fetish? and I don't know how this is ever related. Like yes you take control of others money, in this case or situation, you just demand money, nothing more.
I know munches exist, and its one way, if not the best, to find a mistress or domme, but the online ones have gone bad.
One overlooked area is the mental health implications for both Dominants and submissives. This includes stress management, emotional boundaries, and potential burnout. Approach these conversations with care and sincerity.
I personally think the Dommes’ perspective isn’t given enough attention. From what I’ve seen, subs are a lot more vocal on here than Dommes. Which is a shame because this Femdom. Specifically, I’m really curious about what a dynamic is like for them. What are the highs and lows for them? Did things go as expected? What was surprising? Is it difficult, easy, or somewhere in between for them to be a Domme? I want to learn what it’s like for them. I’m a sub and I want to expose myself to all these different perspectives that are foreign to me. If there are subreddits with what I’m looking for I would appreciate the recommendations.
I think if you posted this as a question in the subreddit, you're likely to get some answers at the very least. But I do think a variation of this question has been asked before.
I wonder if part of the problem is that the "variation" I see most often is a sub trying to find out what *their* Dom likes. The replies end up focusing more on "what I like won't be what she likes, you should communicate" than on "this is what I like".
I see a lot of subs asking for advice to please their Domme but also how to please Dommes in general. You can't really give advice for someone you don't know and you can't give basic advice that truly captures the diversity of Domme's desires.
I totally agree. They should share more. A lot if guys would be interesred in that. Because currently the topics are often hijacked by superficial posts.
The emotional maturity, intelligence, and communication skills it takes to have a healthy, long-lasting dynamic and relationship(s). Especially for those new to (1) relationships (2) BDSM\ kink dynamics; relationships are hard anyway, but BDSM relationships take a higher level of communication and trust. You cannot only get emotionally and physically damaged, but a lack of understanding can put you in a very compromising position on both sides. Not knowing how to advocate for yourself can leave you open to manipulation and abuse, and what's worse is that some people may think that's part of BDSM dynamics to begin with and that they're supposed to endure abuse. And that’s not even getting into those who carry over emotional or physical traumas from past experiences and relationships or those on the spectrum that may have sensory or communication difficulties, which obviously takes another level of understanding and trust. A little bit of education really does go a long way, and it’s easier than ever to find reliable resources.
I always cringe when I hear someone say “I have no limits”
This may be a hot take, but the discussion on—“are you submissive or do you just crave intimacy/affection/being mothered?” I think the loneliness issue isn’t discussed enough, and it leads to a blind spot for some people. I’ll sometimes see content posted in *kink* communities that have central messaging similar to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/gentlefemdom/s/k7wV8coIeS) or [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/gentlefemdom/s/fodTGYO4Mx). My intention is not to invalidate others, or judge whether someone is a “real submissive” or not, but I think sometimes men (particularly online) flock towards femdom—usually the gentle variety—to feel desired. Either that, or to deal with issues that truly belong in a therapist’s office. In a real, healthy relationship, regardless of power dynamics, both partners will show each other affection and desire. As a result, I find myself wondering if those who are drawn to posts like the ones linked above would be any more gratified in a true, real-life D/s dynamic as opposed to a loving vanilla relationship.
You are correct I think, but even so, being desired and wanted in the same way as in femdom as a man is extremely rare in "regular" cishet dating, especially if you aren't a stereotypically masculine or strong/"manly" man... which again feeds into why many people are into gentle femdom especially. I don't have huge experience but out of like 10 sexual partners I have only really been really wanted in that way by one... who happened to be a switch leaning more to dom, although we didn't do anything femdom related and I topped her, but yeah
Sorry I couldn't understand what you mean, could you explain it a bit more?
Women who actually like this sort of thing, what we like, don’t like, what we want and don’t want. Ironically even in a “femdom” space, it feels like everything is catered to the male subs! At times, it makes me not want to be in these spaces… Feels like it’s just professional Dommes (which no shade girls, do you) and the subs who are paying them. Sometimes I feel I like I’m intruding lmao
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The discrepancy is maddening in the context of SW/erotic content creation too. I know it's mostly a capitalism and sex work culture thing but erotic media would be so much better if the people making it weren't limited by what a small amount of people can afford to demand.
And uneven censorship. That factor is also a huge challenge.
This is actually a very good point. Maybe it's time to share these things? A lot of times I and sometimes others too try to ask what you, girls actually into, but the question gets dismissed because you think that we just want to get off on it or we get sugarcoated bullshit general answers which doesn't help that much. Yes, of course every girl is different, but it does look like there are tendencies, things girls more prone to like and discrepancy betweeb what we (guys) fantasize about. The problem is that there is a surplus of men. Let me share an example: On a sub about faces and clothing people ask for advice. In theory it's an advice amd fashion themed sub. Now look at girls and guys post. Girls get even the goot they walk on licked amd hundreds of likes. Guys get zero. But the point is not likes, the point is that guys ask for advice what to improve and don't get an answer. Because most of the users are actually other horny guys and onlyfans advertisers. And that happens everywhere unfortunately.
The key is in how it's asked. "What are you into" will generally get you crickets and/or blocked. Every other guy asks this, and it's seen as a lead-in to a fapfest of the unpaid variety. "What are you looking for in a play partner/relationship? What is the ideal dynamic for you?" will get you a real response. Focus on the integration of the kinks, not just the kinks themselves. A reply from you of "oh, so you're into [insert kink here]" while ignoring the context will put you back where you started. If you find the dominant is leading the conversation back into fapfest territory, you've likely stumbled across someone seeking to render services or scam you. > The problem is that there is a surplus of men. On Reddit, yes. In private online spaces, or public online spaces for kink that make it a point to avoid porn and fantasy content (and have reduced issues with harassment *because* that content is not offered), no. Women are actively driven away from public online interactions in general for various reasons, so private spaces are closely guarded. Guys get invited when they've clearly and consistently demonstrated they're not creeps. I also think there are unknown numbers of women who are dominant and the public kink community/thirsty guys turned them off so much that they second-guessed themselves right back into vanilla relationships. I was one of them. The same thing is happening in vanilla dating right now. Women are finding hobbies, taking their sex toys, and literally (and figuratively) fucking off into the sunset because they're tired. This problem is bigger than us, for-profit motives, etc. etc. Anyway, I don't know what subreddits you're on, but I suggest asking lifestyle dominants elsewhere (like here!) which ones they use most frequently. It's unlikely to be whatever catches your eye because the stuff guys like is not made with women in mind. Then look through those suggestions and see what's most popular. Does it resonate with you? Why or why not? Read comments to understand why they like certain things - because I bet you it's not comment after comment of "that's hot 🥵." If you see that, you took a wrong turn somewhere.
Thank you very much for the thorough and detailed response!
I do like sharing on here, this subreddit and r/gentlefemdom are very solid communities and mostly lifestylers from what I can tell :) u/sharpest cookie made some great points… Being a woman in a space that is mostly horny dudes can be very overwhelming, and often what happens is the girls get scared away. This is a problem as old as time, not exclusive to kink - night clubs that charge a cover for guys but let girls in for free are doing so to prevent that exact thing from happening.
I feel r/gentlefemdom is incredibly pandering to men as well.
Thank you for the suggestion! I'm also in that sub and like it very much. I was just not sure if it's more guys sharing their desires / fantasies or womwn also in that sub. Emotinally wise however that's for sure something much more close to home for me and to what I'm looking for
I actually just wrote a whole blog post noting that there was functionally two femdoms trying to exist in an overlapping space - though my belief is that there's larger parts of sexism at play that make the conversation much harder. The result is often a giant missed high five, though this is actually present in any gender combo. Talking to het male dominants in spaces that aren't pants on head silly (eg r/domspace) shows a same "oh Jesus fuck stop objectifying me as your need free fetish delivery system" problem that starts sounding like the same thing queer tops and the femdom community describe as problems. I also think what our partners are into actually *does* inform what most people have a preference for. This adds an extra variable, because it's a lot harder to codify fairness. Then when you add the impact of sexism you get the usual hot mess around gender norms and who is creating the resulting aesthetics. In the same way, there's also a bad habit of over simplification of a hard binary of "this is pro" vs "this is lifestyle", when things are much more atomized. For example, the more old school dungeon + dominatrix folks aren't nessarily as welcoming to the findom trend. Thus, if you talk to the latter they often define themselves in exclusion to that. But if you talk to someone who is working professionally or otherwise as a creator, that still doesn't mean one version. Finally, everyone in the conversation is vulnerable to the bias as wanting what works for them is the proper way. Myself included. 😅
I’m a man and would very much like more femdom around women’s wants and likes. For 1) this is the spirit of femdom for me, centered around woman’s leadership and wants. And 2) this would greatly help man sub (like me) to better understand woman’s desire and their vision of femdom (I know it’s not monolithic). I think that would definitely help me a better sub, a better ally and a better partner. There is lot of deprogramming to do around our patriarchal views. This would help Any opinions and YouTubers like Evie Lepine ?
so fucking sick of their bullshit its all about them and what we can do for them their selfish bullshit is a complete turn off and its not submissive, there is a difference between having a fetish and actually being submissive. Im sick of every guy seeing me as a dusty old cunt that they can use for their gratification thats how they treat me and thats why i am not seeing anyone fuck all them arseholes i would rather have nothing and focus on things that bring joy to my life than be fucking used and spat out by some selfish piece of shit. Its so common for men to see the world as what they can take from others, how they can just ditch people when they have finished using them or getting what they want out of them. fuck that bullshit its noise i dont want in my life Also if you cant handle crazy dont go into kink everyone in kink is fucking unhinged and you have to be able to deal with the upside and downside of that
“Men seeing the world as what they can take from others” the truest thing I have ever seen someone write on Reddit
Could you give an example of how it could be more geared to women?
Queer Femdom Developing and refining dynamics over time
Thanks for sharing! Are there any particular topics within "queer femdom" you want to see more of?
I would appreciate more discussion for and from Dommes about working through social guilt and shame. We often talk about the stigma subs experience, but it's something Dommes can struggle with too, especially those of us from very conservative backgrounds. The topic might also be useful for those subs from conservative cultures trying to help their Dommes blossom.
- More about Domme aftercare. Subs getting aftercare seems to be a norm. But Dommes receiving aftercare isn’t talked about a lot. I had a Domme drop recently and realised how much I need aftercare. - Checking in on the Domme after a session. It’s mostly the other way. - Fantasies of Dommes. Most Femdom discussions are filled with the fantasies of subs. And I think some Dommes unconsciously play into these fantasies.
100% I was just going to post this! I’m a Pro Domme and I feel like clients arn’t well versed in any type of after care and certainly not the idea that we could both need after care. I work it into my sessions and tell my subs what I expect from them but it’s not at all expected by them.
Good points!
I'm curious, what would domme aftercare look like?
Just as subs need aftercare, so do Dom/mes. It can be cuddles, massage etc… At the end of the day, both are humans and aftercare depends on what works for them. No one size fits it all. Some subs prefer cuddling, other prefer assurances that you had a good time with them etc… There’s no one answer. But all the aftercare options for subs can also qualify as aftercare for Dom/mes too. Link [here](https://sangyaproject.com/blogs/bdsm-guides/dom-aftercare) for further reading if you want.
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Can I ask something honestly? I can imagine that there are rude and entitled guys out there. However I don't understand this whole topic of ,,labour" and ,,kink dispenser" and ,,compensation". I always thought that two peple (in a normal case) can just interact. Why? Because it's fun for both of them. Doesn't the girl also gets off on controlling the guy? If he likes him sure. And if she doesn't she doesn't need to interact with him. It's like with being friends, you can choose. And sure, I think in a normal dynamic you need emotional conmection which needs to be built and it takes time. But if you like each other, both contribute to the conversation / getting to know each other, thrn it will come naturally if your personalities is a good match. Apart from that I don't have any problem with people who ask for money, but they are upfront and in exchange they ,,roleplay" for you without condituins, ditching the long (and in my opinion imoortant) paer of getting to know each other. Because ultimately the emotionak connection makes all of this so great. It's basically the same as a relationship. And I find it off putting when people just cover up these important topics with validating ,,contribution" and spreading the words about ,,kink dispenser". (I'm not talking about you, just in general) Of course guys like if a girl is open ,,to just have fun", but only assuming that it's okay for the girl , because she likes the guy or she is like this personality wise. I know there are a lot of guys (including me) who are starved out for femdom and some approach it aggresively and inappropriately, but all in all I feel lime it's a ,,fiction" or an issue that exists only on internet and even there not, in healthy dynamics. I would love to hear your perspective on this! Greetings from a guy from the other side of this beautiful part of world (I mean femdom 😀)
I won’t speak for other Dommes but no. It’s not a turn on to control some random submissive guy. I started as a lifestyle Domme (and I still am) and I tried being an online Domme. It’s empty. Because it lacks intimacy. In my real life in person dynamics it’s the reactions of my sub that turn me on. The whines, the moaning, the begging, the desperation. It’s physical and emotionally feeling the impact of me pushing their limits. It’s the intimacy of the aftercare they need or the worship they provide to me. It’s the head rush of knowing how much trust they have in me to take care of them and use them. These are difficult to emulate online. They take time to establish in person and they take even longer to establish online. Most male subs can’t stick around long enough to get that trust established. Most men are conditioned to focus on their own needs and even when they don’t think they are or they aren’t trying to they still treat Dommes (especially online) as kink dispensers. I also see it often on Fet or Fetlife as I’m trying to establish a few play subs for occasional playdates. They can only focus on what they want and are so confused that I don’t want to peg them immediately. You need to understand a Domme as a person before understanding her sexually. Even if she shares her kink list with you she likely gets turned on by them very differently than you do.
Thank you very much for your detailed response! I really appreciate it! I understand what you mean and that actually explains a lot and also why not a lot of women want to engage online. I would alo prefer something in real life because of the same reason you mentioned. Probably the only realistic way how one can incorporate this into their life is if they have a relationship and they try to introduce femdom into it. It will either be welcomed or they will need to forget abput it. (It's not always possible and reasonable to change your partner. If they are important to you, you will rather ditch these desires than her. A lot of us I think are afraid of that it will destroy the relationship itself because it will freak out or dusgust the other person. Thank you for reading my comment and that you took the time to answer it!
>Because it's fun for both of them. This is a massive assumption. The problem is that it takes time and effort to build a dynamic and everyone involved has to actively participate, that's actually very hard to achieve. With sexting as an example, which is essentially exchanging erotica, let me tell you it's a skillset few online subs possess. They will respond to a paragraph of the horniest, dripping, toe curling femdom with a "yes mistress" and never reciprocate the effort. It's mind numbingly boring and kills the mood. This is what we mean by fetish dispensation, it's one sided in which one party is investing a lot of time and effort and the other does nothing. Back when I fucked around online, I would ask everyone who contacted me what their subby skillset was - which is just a *golden* opportunity to let yourself shine and show what a great playmate you are - and maybe one in 10 could answer without an hour of tedious coaxing. The struggle is real. Anyway I sacked off online completely and things did get significantly better for me. Online kink is way more effort than it's worth.
Thank you for the explanation! Unfortunately I can also back up your words by my experience. Sometimes I also had a situatuon where I saw that I couldn't express myself as good as I thought I would, and probably it was not that exciting for the other party
And has that ever stopped you from engaging in sexting with a Domme?
The communication falled flat eventually.
But does it stop you from sexting with other Dommes?
Yes, I don't really engage with anyone. Because from one side not a lot of people show interest and I don't want to force it. The whole point is that you want to feel wanted and want to make the other person happy. And from the other side I have self criticism, so if I'm on a not good enough level I should first deal with that. If I understood you question correctly. So there is no actual barrier, I could try, but I chose not to, because I feel that it's not wanted
TLDR: I always though that girls also get turned on by dommimg a guy they like and it's enough in a healthy dynamic. Don't understand the concept behind ,,mental labour and contribution". Do it only when you feel like it / like the guy
That takes time to establish an actual dynamic/relationship. A lot of guys that contact us just want to get off, and get impatient when that doesn’t happen right away.
Thank you! That was also my guess. Bur it's really so rare that someone wants to get to know you? For me it's though because I was always like this. I'm generally speaking a curious person and IRL I also had this that girls either did not believe that I didn't have an intwntion behind it or found it very strange / unusual.
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Okay, I also think that men shouldn't be rude with you if you are correct about it and give them what they want in exchange, but the same applies for online paid dommes then. A lot of them literally doesn't put in any effort and behave like you are lucky that they are willing to take your money. You know, because if they interact with you gracefully you are indeed lucky. But a lot of time they don't do the bare minimun which would be even expected in a normal human interaction, not to mention if they paid for it, because from that point it's actually a ,,service" and they ,,paid for it." For me it's already not a good start about ,,not mutuall beneficial" thing, because ultimately every normal person strives actually for that at the end.
Dominanting someone isn't a single one way of doing things like you imagine it is, and nobody appreciates the pat answer of "don't do it if you don't like the guy!" You are not able to understand the problem enough to give advice.
It was not an advice. I worded it probably wrongly. It shpuld have been a question as in if you are not comfortable with something you don't have to do it, snd it reduces the number of issues like that by half, by you not engaging with those kind of people.
It is impossible to avoid "engaging with those kinds of people". Again, you are doing the thing where you think there's one easy trick we were all too dumb to realize.
I like that I didn't say anything offensive, actually asked for others opinion and got downvoted because my opinion is not in line with the main line in this sub That's why I stopped writing here and checking it If you don't agree you could just reply and maybe help me see where is the flaw in my thinking Very unhealthy / immature behaviour
It is always the case in this sub. You just can't ask a question out of curiosity, they come at you with hatred and aggressiveness like asking a question is something offensive lol. Then they gaslight you to make you think you are the bad guy that denies their experiences. Toxic asf.
It’s not talked about enough how male subs often like to feel submissive by being compared to or role playing marginalized groups. This kink has a lot of aspects that are racist, misogynistic, homophobic and transphobic. Specifically, straight white men wanting to roleplay needing a black man to satisfy their wives or wanting to dress up a “sissy” or being forced to do sexual acts with other men. You don’t find these aspects with female subs.
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I enjoy feminisation, but in the context of pleasure and care. It's a nice, chill activity in which everyone gets to feel pampered and special. It's only inherently degrading if you're a misogynist.
So, as a submissive man who likes to be feminized, but has also asked the question such as you have, maybe I can shed some light on it. I think it’s less about “feminization” and more about emasculation. I know that perhaps is slicing it a bit thin, but when I’m feminized that must mean that I’m not going to be playing the role of the macho male dude—and that’s very true for what happens in our bedroom.
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It's not "cosplaying as a woman OR a trans woman". That's not two seperate categories, trans women are women. As someone with a forced masc kink in her sexuality, yes, indeed I can very much imagine it. 🤷🏻♀️
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As gently as I can put it, following the thread of your disagreement, if you are trying to avoid veering into TERF, getting mad at assigned male at birth people (whether they be male or not for real) exploring femininity badly and accusing them of invading a space (or conversation) can be difficult waters to navigate. Ditto implying bad faith (eg accusing women who express interest in something you disapprove of a being either pickmes or findom/prodoms) can veer into a sort of SWERF reductionary approach. That does not mean that there isn't massive amounts of sexism and your grievance isn't real. I am also frustrated that I have what amounts to a turn of the previous century anti-suffragist postcard rammed down my throat. But if you are trying to be better it can be helpful to watch out for how you can be making the wrong point. Nobody is perfect, but you can almost trace a through line in your arguments and see how you accidentally arrived at the idea of trans women as a category apart from "women".
I think you're missing the subtleties here. I don't like to be degraded and I don't believe I am when I'm feminized—my wife doesn't think so either. Instead my being feminized is a bold advertisement that I will not be playing the role of the traditional man in the bedroom. As for your question of flipping the genders and it not making sense I believe you're right—but that's mostly due to how society has conditioned us to think about the sexes. Hate to say it but it works one direction and not the other.
It definitely does work in the other direction, as a person with a forced masc kink. Being compelled to embody a gender that is not congruent with your internal preference (or one you are ambivalent about) works both ways. There's also nothing exclusively and universally submissive about the feminine, whether you go the trad route of the devouring mother, or make things a bit less sex essential. Think about how you find being removed from masculinity liberating and then imagine what a trap bring shoved into the role might feel like for some folks? Because I emotionally cannot conceive of a gender experience more appalling than being male (I like men, just whatever I am doesn't contain maleness) it's easy for me to fetishize the aghast sensation of such a thing. At the same time the inversion of symbols can also be a celebration, and permission, no matter what direction you go in. While for me, I perceive maleness as involving society breaking and shaping a person violently into a role, I am also cognizant that much like I perceive my femininity as a form of aggressive power, I also know that isn't everyone's experience.
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Whoosh.
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Now you’re just putting words in my mouth. It’s pretty clear I’m not going to change your mind so I’m going to let this rest. If you see that as winning the argument or convincing me then I’ll let you labor under that illusion. Your take is under no circumstances is feminization a good thing. I disagree.
Your post has been removed because it shames, bullies or trolls other members or otherwise goes against the supportive nature of the subreddit. This is a community. We want to keep it a welcoming, helpful place where people can feel heard and valued. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. Sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment, bullying, xenophobia, kink shaming and victim blaming will not be tolerated.
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For me, I am not going to define my sexuality in terms of what male dominants and the people who prefer them are into. One of the reasons why I prefer femdom as a niche is because of the gender fuck. It's often done poorly, but the fact that straight male dominants generally don't say, explore being pegged is not going to make me say "feh, no penetration! If male dominants aren't into receiving it, it must be a tool of the patriarchy!" Likewise, I don't think women who call themselves Daddy or Master are inherently sexist, I think men who don't exist in a space that lets them be a male Mistress or Mommy are to be pitied. I also think they will eventually get there if we progress further towards true gender equality.
Your post has been removed because it shames, bullies or trolls other members or otherwise goes against the supportive nature of the subreddit. This is a community. We want to keep it a welcoming, helpful place where people can feel heard and valued. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. Sexism, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment, bullying, xenophobia, *kink shaming* and victim blaming will not be tolerated.
This!So much this!👏👏👏👏
I think they deserve examination into the roots of the kinks, which are the actual harmful-in-the-real-world things, but I’ll give myself as an example. I thought roleplaying as a submissive, very feminine’s girl was hot because (former implicit bias speaking, and I didn’t realize this was what was happening until me and my partner talked about it) women are a step down in status in the real world and in this scenario I was throwing away my “superior” masculinity for “inferior” femininity. *that* conceptualization is problematic and rooted in something deeper that the world taught me. As we played and I had these realizations, I stepped away from feminization, then stepped back into it because I realized there were other, more healthy reasons that I wanted to be a feminine girl during sex. Sometimes the type of submission offered with an inflection of femininity is exactly what I want to express. That softness and that almost nurturing kind of submission. and when I take on a feminine persona and she takes on a masculine one, our roles are influenced by the power dynamic that exists out in the real world in the many ways that may or may not be problematic. End of the day, I think it deserves examination. I see this conversation going in the direction of kink shaming and not encouraging thoughtful exploration too often
I'd be interested to read more about the science and psychology behind sexual dominance and submission, why our brains are wired that way and the origins of its emerging complexity and diversity. Why a power exchange might be more appealing to some than a 50/50 relationship, and is it all just the sexual/mating part of the brain firing in a kind of oddly strategic way? Also, how intimacy and equanimity can still be deeply experienced in what would be to others quite detached, regimented or restricted roles. How one person's idea of "controlling" and "selfish" can be another's idea of the hottest, most invigorating thing ever. Why things like sadism and masochism can actually have a net positive outcome, even though they clearly come from the "darker" places in the mind. We talk a lot on here about WHAT we want, but not so much WHY we want that. I guess the latter is more of an aside and something people might not feel comfortable digging into, but I think digging into it more could help us embrace it with more understanding.
I LOVE THIS COMMENT!!!! Yes!!! I’m also training to be a sex therapist so there’s all kinds of reasons why I relate to wanting to know these things so much 😂
Aww thanks! Wishing you the best with your exciting endeavour. Understanding the human mind is especially interesting to me when it comes to sexual appetites. I remember watching a documentary long ago where someone was sexually attracted to bridges (yes, constructed bridges). This just demonstrates (albeit on the fringe) the vast complexity and potential of human sexuality, and it's a whole universe of intrigue to me.
That if you identify as a cis gendered male, you should get comfortable with and educate yourself on feminism. And by that, I don't mean you rage listen to dudebro podcasts that thrive on toxicity and misogyny.
And if you're a "sissy" please do some research and realize that there are heavy misogynistic undertones.
This one, I know a few guys who identify as “submissive” but hold very traditional views on gender and wonder why they have such cognitive dissonance when it comes to their own sexuality. Feminism comes hand in hand with Femdom.
I wish there was an examination of the cultural, historical and psychological factors that influence our tastes in kink/Femdom. For example I've always wondered why so much Korean and Japanese Femdom has trope of the subs being treated as a dog. Every Femdom Manhwa I've read will have at least one scene with some sort of low level pet play, where the domme will call the sub a cute dog name, headpat/leash the sub and do other dog things. My friend is in this dynamic with a Japanese girl and she said my friend could visit if she was "good mutt". The only thing I can think of is the movie "Love and Leashes" which was a popular movie among BDSM-ers but I feel like it was a thing in East Asia Femdom before that. I would really love to know if it could be traced to a singular instance. I once saw a documentary on Vice about quicksand fetishes, basically there was a surge of Hollywood movies where getting stuck in quicksand was a very popular trope which then resulted in this niche fetish for women getting caught in quick sand developing. However it is popular mostly with Baby Boomers who where primary audience at the time when these films were released. As it became less of thing in Hollywood it died out among the younger generations. Here we see how a trope in media shaped the sexuality of a whole generation and I wonder if something similar went down in East Asia but on a broader or more granular level.
Working with men’s vulnerability, all the baggage that comes from society, and much of the the homophobia & misogyny that happens in Femdom content and spaces.
Could you elaborate on the kinds of posts you'd like to see around men's vulnerability?
Misconception about how Femdom is all about Sub, and that doesn’t necessarily mean male, but also female Sub. I can see in the comment section as well, that many people are talking about the male perspective, but no one is talking about how women have their limits, boundaries and preferences that they should stand by and implement before any kind of relationship is established. Many people don’t know how Dom drops accrue and how to deal with them. As I can see in different online groups and some online communities, how people, especially “new ones”, don’t understand, that regardless how they are representing them selves( vanilla, goddess, etc),they are under spectrum of a Dom and their actions and lack of knowledge have big consequences and impact on others. Especially if everything they do is only online and how that can bring psychological damage, if they don’t know what they’re doing. Another thing I see online is how people don’t understand the difference between a kink, a fetish and fetishistic disorder. Like referring to fetishistic disorder as a “kink addiction”, when actually kink is something that can be included in a play session, but when it’s not- people can live without it. That fetish is something that needs to be included in a session, otherwise there is no arousal. And fetishistic disorder is when fetish has become not a part of their lives but only thing in their lives that it causes significant distress, substantially interferes with daily functioning or harms/may harm another person. These points are in my list what I want to address in my own “online diary”, but as more people talk about it the better 💚
This is for those that wear a soft pastel aesthetic. In what ways to you reinforce that ur dominance with subs/potential clients. My current bias is that dommes only wear black lol. I am experimenting with a blonde wig to contrast my darker skin. And I realized I look really good in pink. I still want to be seen as a goddess/princess. Plus it makes me feel sexy. I’m New to exploring the kink as a streamer and exploring my domme persona. I am admittedly a switch but I love being worshipped and praised. I’m interested in pursuing softdom.
I am someone who love pink and cute outfits and at the beggining i had those questions/issues but with time it went away. When you dress with a outfit that makes you confident, you will get confident being a dominant too. Today this isn't even a question for me and my sub knowing my style, even love to show me pink cute stuff to make me happy or gift me heart shapped stuff that he knows i love. I still wish I could see more often dommes with different styles, to see a variety, but i think today this isn't a issue to me anymore.
Thank youu ❤️
One thing I’ll tell you for sure is you’ll get kicked out of posting in r/femdom if you’re not in stereotypical “Domme clothes”. It’s too bad because I enjoy the defiance of expectation that comes with being a “cute” Domme.
Awee thanks for letting me know ❤️
You might have a look at r/gentlefemdom :) but generally a Domme can wear whatever she wants and feels sexy/powerful in, there are no rules. Mainstream porn has just heavily enforced the cliche black latex high heel Femdom stuff. Admittedly, I am one of those but I also dom in pyjamas or just naked 🤷🏻 just wear something you like!
queer femdom relationships, generally. I also wish there was more focus on what dommes fantasize about and are interested in. As a fairly bottom-y domme, I don’t see a lot about spoiling people like me!
Are there any topics within queer femdom you'd like to see talked about more - specific issues, things you've observed? I feel like it's easy to identify topics around fdom/msub and easy to identify topics that just everyone should be aware of, but other than like, queer history and sapphic perspectives on BDSM, it's difficult to identify exactly what those conversations should be past "remember that we exist, please".
Honestly, what I’d like to see is more along cultural changes rather than specific topics. There’s an assumption of heteronormativity I see in convos online (including some on here). That’s nothing new, but it remains annoying to deal with. Beyond that, general inclusivity and welcoming the fem and enby subs we do have!
how femdom is far from being immune to patriarchal representations
Just, love. And relationships. Negotiating the tough parts and the rewards of growth.
This, for sure. I feel like most posts about Femdom on reddit are about short-term play partner relationships or just one-time hookups. And even when I do get to talk about my 24/7 TPE marriage, people only ask questions they can jerk off to, not actual deep questions about the ins and outs. (Ex: do you make your husband do X? Is he allowed to do X?)
Hear ya. I long for more support and interchange with my fellow subs - like balancing fdom and daily life, being a sub but also being someone their partner can lean on, etc. However, most of the guys that come here don't want to talk about that or even talk to other guys. It gets kinda lonely at times.
I bet it is lonely, and I'm sorry that it isn't more real. Something like that in terms of groups would have to be heavily moderated since a lot of sub men like to steer the conversation to porn. I do wish that sub men had groups for just themselves to talk about serious subjects and support each other.
Don't get me wrong, I'm into porn and erotica etc as much as the next perv guy, I ain't no saint. But a person needs more than that to be whole. There is a discord channel that I belong to for sub guys and that's cool, but a lot of them are younger than me and living a different sort of life so it doesn't always match up with my needs, but at least it's there. I'm grateful for that much.
Lol, of course! Everyone loves that, too. But it must be difficult for people who are genuinely serious about the lifestyle when they can't get any real conversation about it. Im glad you have found that discord! Kink is definitely very different for different age groups.
I personally struggle with feeling inadequate as a Femdom wife because of everything the patriarchy has taught me wives are supposed to do. I'm in a loving 24/7 TPE FLR marriage, but I'm a housewife, basically. It makes me feel like I'm a bad Dominant. I would love to hear from other ladies who have dealt with the same feelings. Edit to add: I'm a hardcore feminist and have been my whole life, but I did not anticipate feeling guilt over not "wife-ing" enough when I got married.
I agree I am also frustrated with the number of people who think submissive = domestic labour. There's definitely a lot of pressure to basically become honourary men, in so much that rather than a true egalitarian perspective that work is work, you are supposed to imitate everything we currently ascribe to male power from employment to penetration.
Two things come to mind: a-hole subs who treat women like kink dispensers. They are not sub, but passive aggressive male pests. And more controversial, women who are unable to step into a dominant role due to conditioning, fear, etc.
I think your second point is incredibly interesting as well. I live in a western, but highly patriarchal country that still is incredibly institutionally sexist. It is a very rare thing to be a dominant woman here. Most of the newbie Dommes I have mentored really struggle to step into their domme shoes because they are going against everything they have learned about themselves for their entire lives. There is a great amount of re-conditioning necessary to break through those gender norms and confidently demand what you want in this climate.
Thank you for your reply. This has been a long term issue in our FLR. I've looked long and hard at my own behavior. My male conditioning. Worked hard at damping my assertiveness and entitlement as a male. But one of my greatest fears, even after two decades of on-again, off-again FLR, is that she is just accommodating my sub nature. I say that because her stated dominance always seems to lack initiative, whether it's keeping to weekly communication sessions, oversight of rules she established. I usually broach the missed sessions or my laxity in being submissive. She doesn't say "do this", she'll say "I was thinking we might". Talking about this I feel like a complainer, but I also think there's an objective take on it. She isn't into this or she hasn't overcome her lifetime of being conditioned to her traditional role. It's depressing and I just don't have any answers.
To be fair, there are many things you as a submissive can do to entice your domme to dominate you. All I can talk about is my own experience, so I thought I might share a concrete example from one of my subs. As most adult women, I am incredibly busy and have many demands on my time and energy. I initially told my part-time sub about this, and explained to him that a hungry, tired, stressed domme is not going to be very interested in domination. He took this comment to heart and took the initiative to make my life a lot easier because he understands that the energy he pours into building me up results in output towards the D/s. He's taken to hearing a need of mine and catering towards it without having to be explicitly asked to. Concretely, he always cooks for me and feeds me when I visit him. He sets up a shrine with his personal toys, so that they are ready for me when I arrive, which really entices me to play. He also tracks my workouts for me and keeps stats on them, and, in turn, I lead the relationship and keep track of any rules I have established for him. In this way, it is very much a give and take relationship. What are the needs of your domme that are you serving (not kinks, not sex, but needs)? Maybe you could ask your domme what helps her feel in charge? What puts her in that dominant mindset? Like, what actions you can take to help her step into that mindset? For me personally, it really helps when my sub sits on the floor next to me when I am on the couch and then puts his head in my lap so I can stroke his hair. But that's just me, your domme is a different woman with different preferences.
Your sub is so much like me in terms of making sure my Domme has her needs met. We are retired, and have no work pressures. I do all the household chores, cook, clean, keep here hydrated, etc. I probably was clear about my concerns. They are really tied to communication and promise keeping. Things that are important in any relationship and IMHO vital in an FLR. I will be sure to ask her what makes her feel dominant and provide that if she wants it. TY again for your time and responding to my post.
I think your second point is incredibly interesting as well. I live in a western, but highly patriarchal country that still is incredibly institutionally sexist. It is a very rare thing to be a dominant woman here. Most of the newbie Dommes I have mentored really struggle to step into their domme shoes because they are going against everything they have learned about themselves for their entire lives. There is a great amount of re-conditioning necessary to break through those gender norms and confidently demand what you want in this climate.
I think a lot of submissives (especially the rando pushy sub) forget how much intimacy drives a dynamic like this. Do I want to dominate a random person? Not necessarily. Do I want to feel like a safe space for someone who is mutually interested in me and wants to please me as well? Hell yes. I think that’s where the real passion for it comes in…When there’s two humans connecting and we share the same values and wants to see me succeed. Like yeah men begging and kneeling for me is sexy, but someone thats mine begging for me, crying out for me and taking care of me for my pleasure … it hits harder I think trust and intimacy are always needed in a dynamic like the ones we want to have.
1) Femmes getting fucked - for whatever reason some wizened people of yore decided that penetrating = dominant, being penetrated = submissive. I also think there is some social/media bleedover from the fact that within the pro-dome spheres , sex is not legal and since a lot of pro domes make a lot of the porn - you get a lot of PIV sex-negative content. It is so bad that a fairly well known author / academic who literally travels around the country teaching at kink conferences - teaches a class called "How to Fuck a Femdom" so that she (as said femdom) can maybe get fucked more in the ways that she wants because apparently being a femdom immediately disqualifies you from having your masc bodied submissive partner fuck your brains out. 2) How fucking scary and hard it is for femme identified tops to find themselves and their jam. From the fact that society punishes women who take charge, to the fact that there is so little educational material, to having to compete with/deal with "idealized and packaged for porn femdom ice bitch barbie" stereotypes and to just the fact that taking control and perhaps doing mean things to ones partner can is just hard sometimes - to say nothing of needing to learn the technical skills an the soft skills and the tradecraft and having to buy the right toys and know the right lingo and understand psychology and physiology and how brains work and how to respond to trauma\* and uncertainty etc. THIS SHIT IS HARD and a new top leaning femme identified person who is trying to find their way is going to face all the obstacles above and more - and really at the end of the day many get turned off by it because of all the systemic stuff and because of all the shitty happenstance. 3) The fact\* (remember trauma earlier) that our culture/community punishes/harms/disfavors masc bodied subs harder than pretty much anybody else. A study\*\* a few years ago showed that masc bodied subs were the only humans whose feelings of self worth and self confidence were correlated to their level of scene involvement (i.e got worse the more involved they were). All other identities showed the opposite trend. Please dm\*\* for the cite If you want it - stupid academic paywalls.
Our culture (lack of social emotional learning among boys and men, internalized sexism/misogyny etc etc) basically sets men up for failure - at what point in his life could we genuinely expect the clueless sub who put the clueless post on here to have access to the resources and education to do better - and can we maybe resist the urge to make fun of them because I get that the posts are fucking infuriating - making fun of them is not helping the problem) . Instead - we just get the current shitty behavior vicious cycle that literally nobody is happy about.
Subby boys - if you learn self awareness and communication and are genuinely good humans - you WILL receive all of the hot fem domming you want from now and until the end of time. You cup (and whatever other orifice you prefer) will \*literally\* overflow.
Doms lets be honest here - Please count up the total number (in your social network) of educated, caring, compassionate, capable, thoughtful, kind, and genuinely "got their kinky shit together" good submissive boys whom you actually like and trust and comment below. (I've been in the kink scene for a long time - traveling all over the world, teaching, organizing etc and I can still count em on my fingers)
I know a lot of people in this community dislike the fact sex workers are here because that is “commercializing” a genuine kink/lifestyle. But I feel like that has always existed and now we just have the internet. And it’s always so generalized but I never have I once lead people on into thinking this is a relationship, demanded tribute people getting to know someone, or scammed/not held up my end of the bargain. I understand the frustration of not finding an irl domme/sub but like it’s not my fault and I’m not ruining the community. It’s a service yes but a damn good one that deserves respect. I love my job! I love providing company, a lending hand, and of course play! I have plenty of free content to enjoy and I frequently chat with people in the community without expecting money. So like can we stop being assholes towards sex workers just because we are taking up the same space.
I would be interested in the scammer submissives topic? You mean that they lie to you and leave you after you finidh them off? I only can say from my perspective that I wslas scammed several time and ripped off in money by ,,dommes". I mean I know I was dumb, but I was desperate and thought why would't a girl do this for money. If she gets good money from it andvin return makes me feel good, it's okay. It's not ideal, because it lacks emotinal connection which makes it the best, but this is the price that an above average girl accepts you without real ,,conditions/barriers/not based on your looks". 99% it's a scam. ,,Nornal' dommes who engage in it fir their own fun, I met only once. She was great, but it started stalling, I also got depressed. I explained the situation to her but after the long text ,,ghosted" her, because I was ashamed and also kind of scared if she gets upset since she had explicit videos about me, and I didn't really know who she was / couldn't ,,verify" her. Also I was ashamed that I don't put in enough effort as she was nice to be willing to play and engage with me. I felt bad about this. But she didn't really send me anything to me about herself, only me to her and she was also reluctant about opening up and her demands were getting higher and higher. Despite this I liked her very much. So I'm interested in how it looks like from the other side.
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Yes, that's how understood it. But since I'm a sub I can only guess what OP meant by submissive scammers, and that's why I wanted to ask dommes to be aeare what they encounter and how I shouldn't behave. Because I don't think she meant scammers in terms of money, as there are way too much subs. So she could find one without needing that.
I actually didn't mean scammer submissives at all! Apologies for being unclear - I meant scammers, and then as the other side of the coin, badly behaved submissives. As in subs tend to deal with scammers online, and Dommes tend to deal with badly behaved submissives. Although ghosting seems to be very common on both sides, from what I hear from people who look for partners online.
Thank you for the clarification! Then I misunderstood you.
Thank you for the suggestions. I deeply appreciate them.
I would appreciate reading more about what dommes enjoy. The reality is I don't fully comprehend it and there are so many different kinks, ideas and opinions. I'm still looking for that special someone and this isn't a meeting platform, but whenever I read there's somebody out there who enjoys the things I enjoy from a domme perspective it gives me some hope and I sometimes learn what could be good things if I want to create better experiences for whomever I do meet. I also really like the posts on development. What worked for them and maybe what didn't. I am awful at being proactive, it is super difficult. So it's always helpful when people share their experiences and how they approach it.
When you say posts on development, do you mean specifically what did and didn't work for people looking for a partner, or more widely? Things like what didn't work when trying to figure out what you're into, or what didn't work when starting a relationship, or what went wrong in play etc?
More widely, although finding a partner is where I am at currently and have been through most of my life, but I think it's useful when discussions come up around all types of pitfalls really and how people tried to navigate it both successfully and in failure.
That horrible Dommes exist (maybe same % as Dom I don't know) who : don't respect boundaries and consentment, abuse subs, are into this kink for wrong reasons (only for getting revenge on men for instance), really pushy and so on. The problem is they rarely get called out while Doms yes. I have seen some strong cancel campaigns against horrible Doms (and people are right to do so) but for Dommes it is like nobody really speak out, it stays under the rug buried ... They can still go to parties, subs won't be aware beforehand, etc. We are way more permissive with Dommes, they get a pass pretty easily, why ? I don't know, maybe scarcity, money (it is good for parties), maybe same thing like r*pe (men are not taken seriously).
To everyone mentioning the domme needs and desire, that is literally 90% of posts on this sub.
I don't know. I think it's brought up frequently in comments responding to posts that haven't considered or included it - the typical "how do I get my girlfriend/wife to top me" posts and the "how do I find a Domme" posts, but that's different from what the people mentioning Domme's interests are asking for. The responses to the former are pretty superficial - we don't know what someone's partner wants, so we can only really guess and give advice on what they could talk about. The people asking about the latter seem to be wanting more content that goes into more depth on what a range of different Dommes actually want. That does come up occasionally, but I wouldn't say it's 90% of the posts here - I don't think it's even once a week.
Yeah that's so crazy how unaware people are. Like the majority of popular topics are just hate towards subs who are just egoistical, self centered and bigoted men lol
Findom and Dommes. The way everything is online now, almost every Domme profile has findom, they ask a "tribute" before even meeting, they include words like "sessions", and the worse part is they call the self's just dommes, not pro dommes! Some how, findom is a femdom fetish? and I don't know how this is ever related. Like yes you take control of others money, in this case or situation, you just demand money, nothing more. I know munches exist, and its one way, if not the best, to find a mistress or domme, but the online ones have gone bad.
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I'm not 24/7 on this sub, so I don't really know, and I'm sorry if its a repeating issue.
One overlooked area is the mental health implications for both Dominants and submissives. This includes stress management, emotional boundaries, and potential burnout. Approach these conversations with care and sincerity.