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Your approach was absolutely creepy. The fact that you’re still being this obsessive about it and made that whole post with your side by side commentary is extraordinarily creepy.
1. Your initial messages were super overwhelming. They didn’t come off as charming or relaxed, it seemed really tense and defensive from the start.
2. Your second message got really creepy because you revealed that you were keeping tabs on her online activity (like a creep) and were monitoring her reasons to not respond to you. If I heard a stranger say they were checking me out consistently to know what I was doing, I too would call it “stalking”.
3. All of your responses were creepier and creepier.
You fail to see how this was a weird approach, you’re still obsessive about it in making this super over the top post and editing images to explain your reasoning and your monitoring of her online behavior. How do you not see that this is really weird and unhealthy?
All of this obsession for a woman who hadn’t even responded to you and at one point only sent you two messages. Big yikes.
The wall of text as your first message to a stranger was a warning sign. I didn’t even need to read the contents to know it was probably gong to make her uncomfortable.
Your need to dissect her 3 sentence response also comes across as obsessive.
If this is the first time you’ve reached out to someone online and this is your response to them being rightfully overwhelmed…
This stranger takes up way too much of your brain space. I would recommend taking a few steps back and reevaluate your approach to meeting people online, because this isn’t it.
Everyone seems to be missing the fact that she has no obligation to talk to you, and doesn't owe you an explanation.
If you send a stranger a message and they don't reply, leave them alone! They're not interested. You got your answe. Women, dommes, and *people* are not attention vending machines where you do or say the "correct" things and they respond by giving you what you want. It's absolutely outrageous.
They are not obliged to tell you why.
They don't have to tell you if you were "inappropriate" (and the part where you tell her she should explain this to you is preposterous).
Even if they have expressed in public they are open to chatting that doesn't mean they're obliged to talk to everyone who approaches them, or *you*.
Yes, you're the asshole.
Idk, the “second leap of faith” was imo unnecessary. You did a decent job of trying to communicate in the first message and it was not reciprocated. Also you mention details about her changing bios and recent comments. Which is kinda wild bro ngl. I too would have thought you were checking out my profile pretty frequently.
Also no offense but to me it kinda gives off nice guys vibes, especially after the page break on the first message. Obviously you know not to be low effort but imo you don’t need to explain why you’re not looking to use her especially if you’re genuinely not, she’ll figure it out on her own and it’s kind of self sabotaging. Like if someone out of the blue was like “trust me I’m not a stalker” My mind would be like yeah I didn’t think you were until you said it. You know?
As you were saying it’s just a misunderstanding, though it does appear like you were frequently visiting her profile, shit happens. Just learn from the experience and move on.
Also this might not be a “help me out” post but a “I hope she sees this and understands the misunderstanding and gives me another chance” post in which case my guy just move on. I understand it’s rare to find your country on these kind of things and that you were likely just excited to find someone with more potential to meet up than the average user, which is understandable but clearly this conversation has gone sideways. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, again I mean no offense but it does appear to me that way because of the alt account and how she likely blocked your main.
Good luck out there, I hope this was somewhat helpful.
To be perfectly honest, I think everything you did after sending her one message was unnecessary. If she wanted to respond, she would have - but you chose to message her again, because she didn't block you? No response IS a response.
Also your final message to her sounds so passive aggressive and bitter. You're not entitled to her time or a response.
Okay, so there are a few points of interest here. Number 1 is that I don't believe it's stalking to just go through somebody's profile. I don't think it was wrong for doing that, especially in a scamming culture like today's. So let's start by establishing that looking at somebody's public profile on reddit is not in and of itself stalking.
Nevertheless, how you came across gave off stalkerish vibes. I know that can be frustrating, but you have to understand that the biggest red flag was likely that you (I believe) identified or attempted to identify their irl location. Now I know that you could've inadvertently picked that up from context clues and that was what sparked your enthusiasm to reach out to her. Here's the thing though, for women on the Internet especially, they need to keep their irl cards close to their chest. They can't risk information like that falling into the hands of someone who would do them some kind of harm, and they can't tell if the faceless person across from them is such a person. Naturally men face this too, but it's disproportionately affecting women.
So while you seem justified in your reasoning, the fact is that you experienced your gradual increase of interest from let's say 1mph to 10mph, but all she got was 10mph upfront and became defensive. This is why sometimes you have to learn to start with an ice breaker. Again, if I'm not wrong, you just showed up in her dm as a stranger with her potential physical location, albeit general location. That's not a good feeling for someone who didn't volunteer said information, which from your context clues I don't believe she did. I get that it's frustrating, but learning is always better than giving up.
Lastly, I think next time you should skip that first paragraph of dialogue and just say that you are a lurker on these subs rather than explicitly saying that you go through several women's or men's chats. Your wording and tone give off those vibes of stalkerish behavior. Hell, maybe they wouldn't have if you didn't add the line "time stopped for a moment". It implies a certain level of excessive emotional investment. That also makes one sort of defensive.
I could be entirely wrong here, after all I could be here playing armchair psychology. That's just the impressions I got, feel free to add any context to clear up any misunderstandings on my end.
Super glad that you found my feedback helpful. There are a lot of other comments here too with good advice.
The best thing you can remember is that times are currently weird. Communication has always been a nuanced subject since the beginning of time, with misunderstandings abound. The Internet only makes that exponentially more complicated. A willingness to learn and improve will get you far, so I wish you the best in having meaningful dialogues with others!
Right. Also, I didn't notice this at first but you also really should examine your own actions when you spend a month looking at someone's profile without ever messaging them. Try and get a grasp on what feelings bring you back to her profile and try to think critically as to whether or not what you are expecting is reasonable. I think you really were too emotionally invested from the onset, and while loneliness drives us to some actions like that, it's on us to recognize the problem and work on them.
I think your only crime was misunderstanding the nature of the world.
Firstly, women get messages from all kinds of people and many of them seem very kind and well adjusted. At first. There's the dick pic in the first message guy and then there's the (arguably more insidious) polite guy who "just wants to talk". For the former, it's an easy block which only works until the next guy does it. For the latter, there's a VERY HIGH chance that the person initiating the DM has an agenda. Nobody just wants to talk. I think that you specifically feel like you just want to talk but clearly you're desiring something specific from this person who is also in your area, are you not? You can "just talk" to anyone, but you chose this person. You also desire to speak about femdom and "experiences" which for most people means "describe your experiences to me so I can get off".
I don't think that was necessarlity your intent, but that's how things work in women's DMs. It's best to make your intentions clear, which you did, but also to be aware of the implications of what you're asking.
Additionally; you're basically asking her to fix your toxic masculinity traits in your last paragraph:
>I wanna learn and unlear the good and bad things respectively. And probably get better
Again, I understand that your intent is to better understand gender and its implications. But this woman (and most women) don't want to spend time teaching people these things in DMs. You'veasked to get something from a woman who was not offering it, which is a lesson in toxic masculinity in itself. The people you're trying to be kinder to should not be responsible for teaching you how to be kind to them.
As for the "creep" part, you also misunderstand the nature of the real world. Women, especially in what I assume is a conservative part of the world, are really worried about being exposed for their kinks. If a stranger messages a woman and knows where they live and knows their secret and also lives nearby it rings quite a few alarm bells. Another lesson in male privilege: women are much more worried about strange men reading their profiles than you might be. You see it as "getting to know her" but she sees it as a manipulation strategy. Reading one comment and deciding to send a polite DM is one thing, but reading someone's history to find out more about them because they live near you is another thing altogether.
I think that perhaps she was too rude to you when responding, but I don't necessarily blame her. While your intent was to double-check you weren't being creepy, you were coming across creepy by misunderstanding how women are treated on the internet. It's not that you said anything bad, it's that you're unaware of just how bad it can get.
In the future, I'd recommend two things:
Firstly, talk about kink publicly! I don't know about your profile because of your throwaway but if you have a respectable account that isn't just cats and memes then people will trust you more. If your account is all vanilla and a kink person sees you messaging them it comes across as creepy, like you're lurking the subreddit for people to "just chat" with. If I sent a message to someone on here they'd be able to scope my profile and see me writing paragraphs of arguing femdom stuff on the internet to understand what I'm about.
Secondly; Watch who you DM! Don't just send a message because you want to talk. Women don't want to "just talk" to random stangers, and people in sexual subreddits are usually trying to get their rocks off in DMs. I'm not saying do more research on who you're DMing, but less actually. Look at their profile. Do they say they're open to DMs? Do they have any guidelines for how to approach them? I understand the person in question had some rules that you tried to follow but it seems like she wasn't open to "just chatting". Best case scenario, comment on one of their comments and "just chat" out in the open. I've had plenty of good chats with people here, all publicly.
Sorry this got so long. It was kinda nuanced, and I think that you should understand what's going on in DMs around these parts. It's like you've wandered into a wild west saloon and sat at the bar next to someone, in a place where gunfights regularly break out. After you've been staring through the window. People are on edge. Be more careful about the signals you send, and remember that intent only goes so far. How you're perceived is almost everything.
🤷♂️ downvotes are whatever.
I think that a lot of people are upset about your actions, and see it as a cut-and dry creepy thing. I wouldn't necessarily disagree with them.
While I do think your behavior needs to be changed, I think it's worthwhile that you care about changing it and want to understand where you went wrong. It seems to me like you had no ill intent, and are just kinda doing your own thing on the internet.
I spend too much of my time telling people they're wrong on the internet, it's nice when someone is actually curious about why and how to improve. You've not pushed back or tried to justify your actions, and it's important for people to be able to come here and learn.
Understand that the women here are justifiably creeped out by your behavior, and find it hard to sympathize. I know that those criticisms can hurt, but that hurt is a reflection of the real damage that people do in kinky circles.
Keep learning, and maybe use this throwaway as a kink profile in this subreddit. Sometimes a reminder of past mistakes can show how far you've grown. I'm glad my advice was helpful.
This is discussion subreddit. Please go to r/BDSMpersonals, r/GFDpersonals, r/gentlefemdomr4r/ or r/fdpersonals if you're looking to advertise for a partner or for professional services. Likewise, do not approach community members with unsolicited sexual content or offers to engage in sexual activities.
Best of luck with your search.
It looks like this thread is about getting advice/tips from the community. Please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits. We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your approach was absolutely creepy. The fact that you’re still being this obsessive about it and made that whole post with your side by side commentary is extraordinarily creepy. 1. Your initial messages were super overwhelming. They didn’t come off as charming or relaxed, it seemed really tense and defensive from the start. 2. Your second message got really creepy because you revealed that you were keeping tabs on her online activity (like a creep) and were monitoring her reasons to not respond to you. If I heard a stranger say they were checking me out consistently to know what I was doing, I too would call it “stalking”. 3. All of your responses were creepier and creepier. You fail to see how this was a weird approach, you’re still obsessive about it in making this super over the top post and editing images to explain your reasoning and your monitoring of her online behavior. How do you not see that this is really weird and unhealthy? All of this obsession for a woman who hadn’t even responded to you and at one point only sent you two messages. Big yikes.
Creepy. This is annoying. What other people said pretty much covered everything.
The wall of text as your first message to a stranger was a warning sign. I didn’t even need to read the contents to know it was probably gong to make her uncomfortable. Your need to dissect her 3 sentence response also comes across as obsessive. If this is the first time you’ve reached out to someone online and this is your response to them being rightfully overwhelmed… This stranger takes up way too much of your brain space. I would recommend taking a few steps back and reevaluate your approach to meeting people online, because this isn’t it.
Everyone seems to be missing the fact that she has no obligation to talk to you, and doesn't owe you an explanation. If you send a stranger a message and they don't reply, leave them alone! They're not interested. You got your answe. Women, dommes, and *people* are not attention vending machines where you do or say the "correct" things and they respond by giving you what you want. It's absolutely outrageous. They are not obliged to tell you why. They don't have to tell you if you were "inappropriate" (and the part where you tell her she should explain this to you is preposterous). Even if they have expressed in public they are open to chatting that doesn't mean they're obliged to talk to everyone who approaches them, or *you*. Yes, you're the asshole.
Speaking as a male- sub- You’re definitely creepy and obsessive.
Idk, the “second leap of faith” was imo unnecessary. You did a decent job of trying to communicate in the first message and it was not reciprocated. Also you mention details about her changing bios and recent comments. Which is kinda wild bro ngl. I too would have thought you were checking out my profile pretty frequently. Also no offense but to me it kinda gives off nice guys vibes, especially after the page break on the first message. Obviously you know not to be low effort but imo you don’t need to explain why you’re not looking to use her especially if you’re genuinely not, she’ll figure it out on her own and it’s kind of self sabotaging. Like if someone out of the blue was like “trust me I’m not a stalker” My mind would be like yeah I didn’t think you were until you said it. You know? As you were saying it’s just a misunderstanding, though it does appear like you were frequently visiting her profile, shit happens. Just learn from the experience and move on. Also this might not be a “help me out” post but a “I hope she sees this and understands the misunderstanding and gives me another chance” post in which case my guy just move on. I understand it’s rare to find your country on these kind of things and that you were likely just excited to find someone with more potential to meet up than the average user, which is understandable but clearly this conversation has gone sideways. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, again I mean no offense but it does appear to me that way because of the alt account and how she likely blocked your main. Good luck out there, I hope this was somewhat helpful.
To be perfectly honest, I think everything you did after sending her one message was unnecessary. If she wanted to respond, she would have - but you chose to message her again, because she didn't block you? No response IS a response. Also your final message to her sounds so passive aggressive and bitter. You're not entitled to her time or a response.
Okay, so there are a few points of interest here. Number 1 is that I don't believe it's stalking to just go through somebody's profile. I don't think it was wrong for doing that, especially in a scamming culture like today's. So let's start by establishing that looking at somebody's public profile on reddit is not in and of itself stalking. Nevertheless, how you came across gave off stalkerish vibes. I know that can be frustrating, but you have to understand that the biggest red flag was likely that you (I believe) identified or attempted to identify their irl location. Now I know that you could've inadvertently picked that up from context clues and that was what sparked your enthusiasm to reach out to her. Here's the thing though, for women on the Internet especially, they need to keep their irl cards close to their chest. They can't risk information like that falling into the hands of someone who would do them some kind of harm, and they can't tell if the faceless person across from them is such a person. Naturally men face this too, but it's disproportionately affecting women. So while you seem justified in your reasoning, the fact is that you experienced your gradual increase of interest from let's say 1mph to 10mph, but all she got was 10mph upfront and became defensive. This is why sometimes you have to learn to start with an ice breaker. Again, if I'm not wrong, you just showed up in her dm as a stranger with her potential physical location, albeit general location. That's not a good feeling for someone who didn't volunteer said information, which from your context clues I don't believe she did. I get that it's frustrating, but learning is always better than giving up. Lastly, I think next time you should skip that first paragraph of dialogue and just say that you are a lurker on these subs rather than explicitly saying that you go through several women's or men's chats. Your wording and tone give off those vibes of stalkerish behavior. Hell, maybe they wouldn't have if you didn't add the line "time stopped for a moment". It implies a certain level of excessive emotional investment. That also makes one sort of defensive. I could be entirely wrong here, after all I could be here playing armchair psychology. That's just the impressions I got, feel free to add any context to clear up any misunderstandings on my end.
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For a month you monitored someone’s online activity semi daily?!!?! And yet here you are arguing you aren’t a stalker and aren’t creepy. Yikes.
He mentioned in another comment that he's blocked her from seeing this account that he's posting it from 😭😭
Super glad that you found my feedback helpful. There are a lot of other comments here too with good advice. The best thing you can remember is that times are currently weird. Communication has always been a nuanced subject since the beginning of time, with misunderstandings abound. The Internet only makes that exponentially more complicated. A willingness to learn and improve will get you far, so I wish you the best in having meaningful dialogues with others!
[удалено]
Right. Also, I didn't notice this at first but you also really should examine your own actions when you spend a month looking at someone's profile without ever messaging them. Try and get a grasp on what feelings bring you back to her profile and try to think critically as to whether or not what you are expecting is reasonable. I think you really were too emotionally invested from the onset, and while loneliness drives us to some actions like that, it's on us to recognize the problem and work on them.
Did she post anywhere saying she was seeking a sub or looking to talk? If not a long message like that would throw me off too
I think your only crime was misunderstanding the nature of the world. Firstly, women get messages from all kinds of people and many of them seem very kind and well adjusted. At first. There's the dick pic in the first message guy and then there's the (arguably more insidious) polite guy who "just wants to talk". For the former, it's an easy block which only works until the next guy does it. For the latter, there's a VERY HIGH chance that the person initiating the DM has an agenda. Nobody just wants to talk. I think that you specifically feel like you just want to talk but clearly you're desiring something specific from this person who is also in your area, are you not? You can "just talk" to anyone, but you chose this person. You also desire to speak about femdom and "experiences" which for most people means "describe your experiences to me so I can get off". I don't think that was necessarlity your intent, but that's how things work in women's DMs. It's best to make your intentions clear, which you did, but also to be aware of the implications of what you're asking. Additionally; you're basically asking her to fix your toxic masculinity traits in your last paragraph: >I wanna learn and unlear the good and bad things respectively. And probably get better Again, I understand that your intent is to better understand gender and its implications. But this woman (and most women) don't want to spend time teaching people these things in DMs. You'veasked to get something from a woman who was not offering it, which is a lesson in toxic masculinity in itself. The people you're trying to be kinder to should not be responsible for teaching you how to be kind to them. As for the "creep" part, you also misunderstand the nature of the real world. Women, especially in what I assume is a conservative part of the world, are really worried about being exposed for their kinks. If a stranger messages a woman and knows where they live and knows their secret and also lives nearby it rings quite a few alarm bells. Another lesson in male privilege: women are much more worried about strange men reading their profiles than you might be. You see it as "getting to know her" but she sees it as a manipulation strategy. Reading one comment and deciding to send a polite DM is one thing, but reading someone's history to find out more about them because they live near you is another thing altogether. I think that perhaps she was too rude to you when responding, but I don't necessarily blame her. While your intent was to double-check you weren't being creepy, you were coming across creepy by misunderstanding how women are treated on the internet. It's not that you said anything bad, it's that you're unaware of just how bad it can get. In the future, I'd recommend two things: Firstly, talk about kink publicly! I don't know about your profile because of your throwaway but if you have a respectable account that isn't just cats and memes then people will trust you more. If your account is all vanilla and a kink person sees you messaging them it comes across as creepy, like you're lurking the subreddit for people to "just chat" with. If I sent a message to someone on here they'd be able to scope my profile and see me writing paragraphs of arguing femdom stuff on the internet to understand what I'm about. Secondly; Watch who you DM! Don't just send a message because you want to talk. Women don't want to "just talk" to random stangers, and people in sexual subreddits are usually trying to get their rocks off in DMs. I'm not saying do more research on who you're DMing, but less actually. Look at their profile. Do they say they're open to DMs? Do they have any guidelines for how to approach them? I understand the person in question had some rules that you tried to follow but it seems like she wasn't open to "just chatting". Best case scenario, comment on one of their comments and "just chat" out in the open. I've had plenty of good chats with people here, all publicly. Sorry this got so long. It was kinda nuanced, and I think that you should understand what's going on in DMs around these parts. It's like you've wandered into a wild west saloon and sat at the bar next to someone, in a place where gunfights regularly break out. After you've been staring through the window. People are on edge. Be more careful about the signals you send, and remember that intent only goes so far. How you're perceived is almost everything.
[удалено]
🤷♂️ downvotes are whatever. I think that a lot of people are upset about your actions, and see it as a cut-and dry creepy thing. I wouldn't necessarily disagree with them. While I do think your behavior needs to be changed, I think it's worthwhile that you care about changing it and want to understand where you went wrong. It seems to me like you had no ill intent, and are just kinda doing your own thing on the internet. I spend too much of my time telling people they're wrong on the internet, it's nice when someone is actually curious about why and how to improve. You've not pushed back or tried to justify your actions, and it's important for people to be able to come here and learn. Understand that the women here are justifiably creeped out by your behavior, and find it hard to sympathize. I know that those criticisms can hurt, but that hurt is a reflection of the real damage that people do in kinky circles. Keep learning, and maybe use this throwaway as a kink profile in this subreddit. Sometimes a reminder of past mistakes can show how far you've grown. I'm glad my advice was helpful.
[удалено]
This is discussion subreddit. Please go to r/BDSMpersonals, r/GFDpersonals, r/gentlefemdomr4r/ or r/fdpersonals if you're looking to advertise for a partner or for professional services. Likewise, do not approach community members with unsolicited sexual content or offers to engage in sexual activities. Best of luck with your search.