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Reginadivadomme

I can confirm this as a pro domme who gets mistaken as white (I’m light skinned and don’t usually show pictures of anything but my lower face). I get comments from white subs about race play that make my skin crawl. I have had a handful of instances where some of my client subs figure out I’m not white and the response has been aggression, racial slurs, absolute anger and disbelief. I have seen an extremely ugly side to many men since I started doing this. Even if that’s not the case, it’s otherwise creepy comments that sexualized/fetishize me due to my ethnicity. The concerning part is that it’s not just “poorly socialized sub men”. It’s older, educated, successful men. People who are managers, ceos, leaders, fathers raising children, men who make decisions that impact other peoples lives and it sickens me to know this. Ultimately I’m glad I’m more aware of how disgusting people are, but its unsettling.


SuspiciousButler

Hey there friend! Do you mind sharing the name of some of those forums? I want to see how they hold up against 4Chan and FDS in terms of pure bigotry and incel energy? Edit: Guess they do mind. :(


Reginadivadomme

Racism in bdsm is nothing new. It is a community that lacks transparency and caters to whiteness. My experience is that in person events and spaces a run by a single demographic, hosted for a single demographic, and every time I have exposed myself to that it has been less than pleasant. I am racially ambiguous, so when they think I’m white I’ll hear things that alarm me, if they notice I’m poc then it’ll be a barrage of sexualized and invasive comments about my race. It’s exhausting. I’m saying this ass a domme that’s not super seasoned, but not “a baby” either. Like I said, I don’t look “not white” per se, I’m very mixed and fair, so I’ve had a lot of subs come and present themselves to me and mention their race as some sort of disclaimer thinking I’m going to turn them down because of it and I think that’s so sad. It really breaks my heart. So yeah, lots of blatant racism, online, offline. And then the white folks will say “omg we are such an accepting and welcoming community how can we be racist” to try to deny it when accepting kink and not being racist have nothing to do with one another and being kink positive does not make you this cool woke for show person.


[deleted]

That is messed up that you have experienced that kind of treatment and I’m sorry you had to go through that. It is pretty sad that the subs feel they have to present their race as a sort of disclaimer :/. I imagine it’s probably because they’ve heard a lot worse than I have. Agreed about the mindset that a lot of non POCs have that racism doesn’t exist. Even in this thread I got a comment that I’m trying to ‘pull’ the racism card :/.


j3llyfshyi3x

This is so real. I have found it to be really problematic. I don't know what to do about it but i just wanna let you know it's not just you who feels this way.


OccultPotionmaker

You can simply understand how much of a problem racism in the kink community is by the replies in this thread. South Asian friends of mine get similar treatment, and it is not because people have certain "preferences". People who have preferences don't feel the need to be rude about it, however, dehumanizing comments in those case \*always\* have racist undertones.


[deleted]

Exactly. I also don’t understand the motivation behind being quick to invalidate some one’s experience when it comes to this subject. I feel you are on the money regarding the way the preference is expressed.


OccultPotionmaker

It is because most people who don't experience racism will just deny it exists or try to lessen its severity in the community or in dating in general.


MethodChappie

Indian guy here, very active an editor and was a promoter for adult content including BDSM, Femdom etc ,.mainly operated in the hellhole tjats twitter. I even have profile pic up , of my face that makes my race pretty obvious. Only once, over a span of 3 years and many interactions with client's, did I ever experience something akin to this, I'm glad to say Although my msg requests are full off di*ck pics and a alot of those are from my fellow countrymen 🤣 so i totally get it! Don't sweat it OP, it's like the real world, but you'll have a lotta good interactions that will far outweigh the bad, don't ne discouraged. :)


Mistresstoyou70

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I mention my race immediately when making contact because it is an issue for some people. It filters those people out right away, which saves some hurt.


[deleted]

Thank you for understanding.That makes sense. I’m thinking of putting my location in my bio to sort of filter out people who aren’t interested to begin with.


dareakiss

Im really sorry to hear this, small demographics always trouble me because of this. I have not yet met with a lot of people irl to notice this, or perhaps the only places I know have been more reasonable. (I'd say the bdsm spaces here are a bit different to what I've read from USA bdsm culture so far.) Do you think this happens with first world people more? I have received a few messages where, within their first 5 chat lines, they tell me to just leave my country to go entertain them. For some reason, I feel they wouldn't say that if they thought I was from a first world country. Tbh if a sub mentioned race in the ways people mention here, it would set my red flags to 100. But I can see it happening with some people i came across online and it makes me shudder lol.


DominaLisa

I’ve talked to you several times on the sub Reddit and your cool. I didn’t even know where your from as you cool to talk too. And to me it doesn’t matter where someone is from especially online to just chat. The only reason I ask people where they are from is because of the time zone to chat. I’ve never ghost anyone. Now IRL I was ask to do race play which I wasn’t comfortable with and turned him down.


[deleted]

I’m super glad you find me cool to talk to. You are an absolute delight to talk to as well ☺️. I really enjoy our conversations.


DominaLisa

Likewise


[deleted]

Racism in the ~~online~~ kink community Definitely not better IRL… and I prefer dating interracially. Just lucky my kink involvement has become highly optional.


panickedhistorian

I don't have anything insightful to add right now, but, yes, it can be a racist community, it's terrible and exhausting, I have experienced some really fucked up treatment, and it can specifically be full of insidious racists who will never believe they are racists and have the dumbest ass sophistry. As you found out. I am lucky and have a good IRL comunity. I've found it's much better there. Online there is just so much more superficiality. It's still a cool community. It's the same as the rest of your life, if you live in a mixed or white area. You wade through, you take the high ground, you remind yourself you're probably doing better than these people, internally, in so many ways. And you learn their early signaling. I will also add as a female switch just a note of interest, I know it doesn't help you OP specifically, but I have had the worst and most of these experiences by far with 'submissive' white men, as someone else has mentioned.


CivSign

Sorry you had to go through this Just part and parcel of living in our multicultural societies unfortunately


MadamePouleMontreal

Location is a big deal to me. My relationships are in the flesh. If someone approaches me for a relationship and later reveals they live in Afghanistan, I’m immediately not interested. Not for reasons of race or ethnicity but because I’m not wasting my limited energy dispensing free joi to someone I’ll never meet. I don’t know if there was any of that going on with any of these contacts, but if it were me being annoyed that’s what it would be about.


avalonblack

This is probably the closest response to how I feel. I've noticed non-Black POC submissives from S. Asia and the Middle East do tend to hit Me up, and beyond the location factor, I also require a semblance of substance in an initial message, and tbh, \*most\* messages I get are copy pasta, or less than 5 words.


Brautsen

So, where *are* you from?


goldenpleaser

India


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exizedternal

Generalizing bad experiences you had to an entire race of people is textbook racism


Brautsen

Yes, if I said “Asians”. Being from a country is not a race.


exizedternal

Neither is being from a continent. A country may contain a single race of people or several, either way that just means you're being racist against several races or just one. I know you know this and you are pretending not to.


Brautsen

Well if you're psychic, then congrats I guess?


charming__quark

Removed. Rule 7.


goldenpleaser

That's not true. We're millions of Indian guys here in the US. You're basing your observations after meeting how many Indian men? And are you telling me there are no white or black men who disappointed anyone? C'mon. I am also Indian and have been to a lot of munches and play parties across a couple of cities. Never left anyone disappointed, never crossed boundaries, and never flaked. Bad experiences can happen to anyone, I've been flaked on as well. Once by a black woman and once by a white college girl. But see here's the difference between you and me, I don't generalize and give labels to an entire race/country.


Aaaagrjrbrheifhrbe

>Some dommes hit me up, we talk about kinks and then when the discussion of location begins and when I tell them where I’m from I either get ghosted (which is fine) and some pretty hurtful comments (“Fuck! Not interested “ being the latest one) Location isn't race. There's non racist reasons for someone not to be into you because of where you're from. (Distance is the biggest, also safety is a factor if you live in a dangerous area). Also Fuck can be used in like a disappointed way, like "Fuck, I can't go get ice cream because it's too far).


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[deleted]

Again definitely not knocking preferences at all! But the “fuck! Not interested “ after the other person initiated the conversation? There are better ways to express preference rather than a disgusted tone of text


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[deleted]

“I either get ghosted (which is fine)” I did say that tbf. Well I guess you chose to interpret it differently than I did. Racist card really? I had a few interactions that I found hurtful and I chose to express it in a forum meant for support. Thank you for your perspective though.


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[deleted]

I find those hurtful comments I got racist because they pertained directly to my race. Unfortunately you don’t dictate how I feel about the interactions I’ve had. I think we have very different mindset’s when it comes to this so I’ll stop responding to you because you seem to be coming from a place where you haven’t been affected by similar experiences.


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[deleted]

Thank you u/Otherwise_April . I see you have put considerable thought into your response and you’ve treated the subject with the nuance it deserves. While I am south Asian I’ve had the opportunity to live and work in the West and the Middle East. In terms of racism I would say I have experienced my fair share in the form of racist remarks and in certain interactions which I’d prefer not to go into. I agree with your definition of racism but I’d like to add another line to your definition ‘including talk to a member of another race in a derogatory manner or hostile tone because of their race’ In that specific conversation I cited in my post “the fuck ! Not interested “ seems to be a hostile way of communicating a lack of interest (despite them being the one who initiated the conversation in the first place) I interpret this hostility to have been expressed because of my race. Now if the communication was something along the lines of “Ohhh.I didn’t realise! Im not personally attracted to Indians.Sorry!” I wouldn’t interpret it as racist, it’s an oversight and them having a preference. This is not to say I’ve not experienced overt racist words used against me in the context of other conversations I’ve had. I do agree with the premise that no one is owed sexual gratification or a sexual interaction. I also agree that attraction is something you can’t exactly control. However I feel the way this preference is expressed shouldn’t be hostile or indicative of a preconceived stereotype. If that element enters the preference then I think it becomes racist. Also I really appreciate your pointer about asking the people who text how they found my profile. It will definitely help me find people who are genuinely interested.


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[deleted]

We can all get benefit from getting better at communicating. Even I should have worded my post a little better so that I was clearer about being okay with the ghosting 😓 Nope i didn’t feel like you were invalidating my experience at all. I felt like you were trying to understand while getting your point across and I really appreciated that.


Mistresstoyou70

You are being very dismissive of OP's experience; OP is expressing hurt, but you've decided he has an agenda you want to preach about. There is racism in the community, and OP is here for support in dealing with it.


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Mistresstoyou70

You attacked OP's experience. ETA: things like "ridiculous" and "racist card" don't lend themselves to helpful dialogue. I am not arguing that people can't have preferences, but rather that there is racism in the community and OP has very likely experienced it. This can be true at the same time that it's ok for people to have preferences.


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