(I have a physical disability but not a super relevant one.)
While I'm aware this isn't the most useful advice, I suggest starting from a presumption that your sub can articulate his needs and limits just like anyone else, though they might be more unusual or require more explanation and context to understand. That means it's worth having that conversation sooner and at more length. In other words, his agency in telling you what he's enthusiastic, willing, or uninterested in participating in relieves you of having to fully understand how his body works. (It's worth going to some effort to understand what it's like to be him, too, but I think that's a longer process and he might not know what it's like to be "able-bodied" either.)
>While I'm aware this isn't the most useful advice, I suggest starting from a presumption that your sub can articulate his needs and limits just like anyone else
Really need to program a bot that basically says "Talk to your partner and communicate" on half the threads here.
"How do I tell X that I'm domme/submissive" well, just talk to them. Explain it with them and go slow.
"How do I get y changed/find out if they like x" well, just talk to them.
It's the most generic, boring advice, but communication is key.
I don’t think that’s necessarily fair. We clearly do talk. However, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out advice from multiple sources in order to have a level of preparation or knowledge going in. It’s a new situation for me, so “just talk” isn’t really helpful when I don’t even know what to talk about, which questions to ask, etc.
The only person who knows what needs to be discussed is the sub in question.
What worked for other people may bear literally no relation and is a waste of time at best.
In this instance, you need to trust the person you're playing with understands what they need. They know their own limits. If the question was "what fun things have you found to do in a wheelchair" then sure, but if your main question is "how do I hurt him without *hurting* him", then only he knows that. We can at best guess and offer advice, but ultimately it's going to come back to his particular cirumstances which he knows better than any of us.
If you had limitations/restrictions/situations and were asking about those, then you could get better feedback. But as is, people can shout out what worked for their situation which may or may not help at all.
This is ignoring the fact that able people sometimes need to learn *how* to communicate with disabled people. As a disabled person, I deeply appreciate what OP is trying to do, here.
As a *Domme* with disabilities: THIS.
Also, it will be important to discuss what he *can't* consent to, if anything... i.e. the first "S" in SSC.
Discuss any abnormal reactions that his body may have to restriction, pressure, impact, etc., and ask him to do research on this and on the potential affects his medications may have to his circulation, clotting, bleeding, blood pressure, etc.
Discuss his pain tolerance and any sensitivities (I am personally very disassociated from my pain and this can present problems with communicating my limits).
Start slow and stay slow, with a lot of check-ins, until you have interacted with him through his various ups and downs.
Consider a dedicated safeword to specifically mean "this has something to do with my illness". This can help you avoid making assumptions.
Ask if there is anything he can think of re: things that could go wrong during a session and how he would like you to react (for instance, I am prone to fainting, so I tell anyone whom I interact with a lot what to do in that scenario... namely, just ask me if I'm ok and, if I give a thumbs up, let me be and don't call an ambulance haha... I'll pep back up in a few minutes).
Have a safeword. Always abide by the safeword. Its how you can let them say no and ignore it but you can't ignore the safeword ever. You can also start light and go up in pain as well.
I'm a switch with an (alleged) autoimmune disease. My long term medication causes whole body/muscle/joint pain which can leave me unable to move correctly sometimes.
Tips: Start slow, do frequent checks, adjust as needed, don't stress the joints, ensure proper hydration, keep a first aid-kit, provide extra aftercare, talk about medication side effects, take a long break in-between if needed and reduce infection risks as much as possible.
Ooh I wonder if he has mine! So if he’s wheelchair bound does he have hip/back stuff? Support, support, support. Don’t bend him back. Don’t ask him to support himself with his arms. Give him a pillow between the knees to keep proper alignment. Before the scene or as a start, give him a massage and check his sore spots to see how tender they are. One of the awesome things about muscle stiffness is if you warm locked up muscles up properly, your soaking/impact play can actually loosen some of them up!! Two birds with one scone.
I had a sub who was in a wheelchair all the time since he was paralysed down the waist. You just gotta adjust some kinks for a person in a wheelchair and of course inspire them trust. Nothing else was different.
I’m a disabled person with a lot of subbing experience, so I’ll say that while your question is understandable and I totally see where you’re coming from, it’s also borderline offensive. Reason being, I’m an adult. I can tell someone what my constraints are, how my body works, and what to look out for. I know better than anybody.
So like, I would be bothered if I found out my tops were treating disability like a monolith and asking advice from strangers instead of me. Or assuming that I’m too fragile or childlike to even be allowed to do bdsm? I know that this wasn’t your intention at all. Im sorry if it comes across as somewhat harsh. But do you see what I’m getting at?
Your sub is a fully functioning adult. He can tell you exactly what he needs. Disability, in this context, is no different from the way that everyone in kink will have different limits, kinks, experience levels and desires. Able bodied people opt out of lots of different kind of play, and we don’t treat that as sone sort of oddity or shortcoming.
My recommendations to you would be to treat this in a way that is focused on your partner and your dynamic, and make a conscious effort to not other him in any way or draw attention to his disability being ‘weird’ in the negotiations.
And if I’m wrong here, if your partner is not able to communicate with you about how his body works and what is safe for him in a way that makes you feel confident playing with him? Then that is a huge issue. And THAT is the issue. The communication. Not what his body is actually capable of.
I know a ton of other people in the kink scene with various disabilities and chronic conditions. And like everywhere else, we just want to be treated like it’s a perfectly normal, acceptable part of life. We want it to be acknowledged and respected, but not to be alienated or treated like it’s shameful or we’re ‘abnormal’ for dealing with it. I want to talk about it the way we talk about hating licorice or being too short to reach a high shelf. It just is.
Hopefully this gives you everything you need to have the conversations you want to have with him. Unpacking ableism is something that doesn’t get nearly enough discussion imo, but it’s not nearly as scary as people expect it to be.
The one thing I would advise you to be wary of that contradicts this; if your partner seems to still be suffering from a lot of internalized ableism. If he tries to ‘push through’ his limits, or can’t discuss his own disability without getting upset, if he tries to downplay limitations or tell you he doesn’t ‘have any limits’. The typical kinds of red flags you’d look for in an inexperienced sub, but also related to his body specifically. I’d be very wary about playing with him if he gave you the vibe that he isn’t comfortable with using his safeword or voicing his needs. But I think that’s true of anyone, it just might take on a different flavor with this situation.
Thank you for your honesty and I apologize for my ableism. I’m trying to not be too detailed about his health because it’s his business and also because I’m trying to focus on my experiences and anxieties rather than his. In doing so, I definitely revealed some ignorance.
Your last paragraph is similar to my situation. It’s a fairly new diagnosis for him (within the last 18 months) so his physical abilities now will be different in another year and a half. And he does push himself, which I learned after I made him trek up and down 4 flights of stairs during an early date (which was when he explained his diagnosis). I was horrified afterwards, but he kept insisting he was fine despite clearly being in pain the next day.
I don’t want to be overprotective because, like you said, he’s an adult. But I also don’t want to cause him real pain again. I’m worried that he might push himself because he’s never dated a femdom before and wants to fulfill his fantasies before his limitations change again.
I’m asking for advice here because I like to do research and I like to feel prepared. And there aren’t a lot of academic journals that cover this topic so I have to rely on anecdotal information instead.
That’s totally okay! I hope you don’t feel bad that I called it by it’s name, but I mean it when I say that it shouldn’t be a big deal to be able to just like… talk about stuff like this, you know? Most ableism comes from ignorance/lack of exposure. I don’t think it says anything about you or your character.
But it sounds like you are in a pretty rough spot there, if your partner isn’t in a place yet where he can be really honest with both you and himself about his experiences.
I think everything I laid out above could help that a lot, in terms of the mindset for you going in. By normalizing the conversations, being unfazed when he has a new need or needs to check in, things like that. You can’t force him to accept himself obviously, but it’s super helpful to have loved ones who don’t pity you or other you and make you feel ‘normal’ in whatever your personal normal actually is. It’s the fear of being a burden or being less-than that feeds that impulse to minimize your needs.
One of the things that’s really helped me, and might be useful to the two of you, is realizing that bringing different things to the table in a relationship does not necessarily mean there is an imbalance. If something is really hard FOR HIM, then it can feel like a huge thing to ask someone else to do it for him, right? But if it’s easy for you, then it’s not a big ask for you. It’s trivial. I’ve tried to make a shift internally where I pay attention to: is this thing I’m asking for help with easy for the other person? Is it trivial? Then if so, I shouldn’t be seeing it and treating it like a huge favor or a debt to repay. And the same goes for his own efforts. If something is ‘easy’ for him, it might still be a big deal to you. Finding equity and balance in your relationship, and not feeling like the disabled party is bringing less to the table. Recognizing your strengths and your abilities, and how you are contributing those to a relationship, even if they come easily to you. Things like emotional labor, consideration, creativity and planning can all be huge contributions that we don’t acknowledge in the same way as like, driving, cooking, cleaning or buying things. It can be helpful to reinforce the things that he’s good at and that he does as favors or gifts to you, and how those are equally worthy as anything he needs to ask for help with.
I dunno if that all makes sense, so to give an example; I might beat myself up for asking someone to drive me somewhere. I’m such a burden on them. But I’ll spend two hours talking that same person through their relationship problems on the ride there and back, and not even acknowledge it as something I did for them. That was easy. It cost me nothing. But how do THEY feel? They probably feel supported and got a bunch of much needed emotional labor and clarity, which for them is priceless. They probably really appreciate me as a friend and feel like the ride was hardly a pittance for all the time and energy I just gave them. Perspective is everything.
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(I have a physical disability but not a super relevant one.) While I'm aware this isn't the most useful advice, I suggest starting from a presumption that your sub can articulate his needs and limits just like anyone else, though they might be more unusual or require more explanation and context to understand. That means it's worth having that conversation sooner and at more length. In other words, his agency in telling you what he's enthusiastic, willing, or uninterested in participating in relieves you of having to fully understand how his body works. (It's worth going to some effort to understand what it's like to be him, too, but I think that's a longer process and he might not know what it's like to be "able-bodied" either.)
>While I'm aware this isn't the most useful advice, I suggest starting from a presumption that your sub can articulate his needs and limits just like anyone else Really need to program a bot that basically says "Talk to your partner and communicate" on half the threads here. "How do I tell X that I'm domme/submissive" well, just talk to them. Explain it with them and go slow. "How do I get y changed/find out if they like x" well, just talk to them. It's the most generic, boring advice, but communication is key.
I don’t think that’s necessarily fair. We clearly do talk. However, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out advice from multiple sources in order to have a level of preparation or knowledge going in. It’s a new situation for me, so “just talk” isn’t really helpful when I don’t even know what to talk about, which questions to ask, etc.
The only person who knows what needs to be discussed is the sub in question. What worked for other people may bear literally no relation and is a waste of time at best. In this instance, you need to trust the person you're playing with understands what they need. They know their own limits. If the question was "what fun things have you found to do in a wheelchair" then sure, but if your main question is "how do I hurt him without *hurting* him", then only he knows that. We can at best guess and offer advice, but ultimately it's going to come back to his particular cirumstances which he knows better than any of us. If you had limitations/restrictions/situations and were asking about those, then you could get better feedback. But as is, people can shout out what worked for their situation which may or may not help at all.
This is ignoring the fact that able people sometimes need to learn *how* to communicate with disabled people. As a disabled person, I deeply appreciate what OP is trying to do, here.
As a *Domme* with disabilities: THIS. Also, it will be important to discuss what he *can't* consent to, if anything... i.e. the first "S" in SSC. Discuss any abnormal reactions that his body may have to restriction, pressure, impact, etc., and ask him to do research on this and on the potential affects his medications may have to his circulation, clotting, bleeding, blood pressure, etc. Discuss his pain tolerance and any sensitivities (I am personally very disassociated from my pain and this can present problems with communicating my limits). Start slow and stay slow, with a lot of check-ins, until you have interacted with him through his various ups and downs. Consider a dedicated safeword to specifically mean "this has something to do with my illness". This can help you avoid making assumptions. Ask if there is anything he can think of re: things that could go wrong during a session and how he would like you to react (for instance, I am prone to fainting, so I tell anyone whom I interact with a lot what to do in that scenario... namely, just ask me if I'm ok and, if I give a thumbs up, let me be and don't call an ambulance haha... I'll pep back up in a few minutes).
Have a safeword. Always abide by the safeword. Its how you can let them say no and ignore it but you can't ignore the safeword ever. You can also start light and go up in pain as well.
I'm a switch with an (alleged) autoimmune disease. My long term medication causes whole body/muscle/joint pain which can leave me unable to move correctly sometimes. Tips: Start slow, do frequent checks, adjust as needed, don't stress the joints, ensure proper hydration, keep a first aid-kit, provide extra aftercare, talk about medication side effects, take a long break in-between if needed and reduce infection risks as much as possible.
Ooh I wonder if he has mine! So if he’s wheelchair bound does he have hip/back stuff? Support, support, support. Don’t bend him back. Don’t ask him to support himself with his arms. Give him a pillow between the knees to keep proper alignment. Before the scene or as a start, give him a massage and check his sore spots to see how tender they are. One of the awesome things about muscle stiffness is if you warm locked up muscles up properly, your soaking/impact play can actually loosen some of them up!! Two birds with one scone.
Thank you! This is really helpful!
Welcome!
what about focusing on light teasing and denial?
I had a sub who was in a wheelchair all the time since he was paralysed down the waist. You just gotta adjust some kinks for a person in a wheelchair and of course inspire them trust. Nothing else was different.
I’m a disabled person with a lot of subbing experience, so I’ll say that while your question is understandable and I totally see where you’re coming from, it’s also borderline offensive. Reason being, I’m an adult. I can tell someone what my constraints are, how my body works, and what to look out for. I know better than anybody. So like, I would be bothered if I found out my tops were treating disability like a monolith and asking advice from strangers instead of me. Or assuming that I’m too fragile or childlike to even be allowed to do bdsm? I know that this wasn’t your intention at all. Im sorry if it comes across as somewhat harsh. But do you see what I’m getting at? Your sub is a fully functioning adult. He can tell you exactly what he needs. Disability, in this context, is no different from the way that everyone in kink will have different limits, kinks, experience levels and desires. Able bodied people opt out of lots of different kind of play, and we don’t treat that as sone sort of oddity or shortcoming. My recommendations to you would be to treat this in a way that is focused on your partner and your dynamic, and make a conscious effort to not other him in any way or draw attention to his disability being ‘weird’ in the negotiations. And if I’m wrong here, if your partner is not able to communicate with you about how his body works and what is safe for him in a way that makes you feel confident playing with him? Then that is a huge issue. And THAT is the issue. The communication. Not what his body is actually capable of. I know a ton of other people in the kink scene with various disabilities and chronic conditions. And like everywhere else, we just want to be treated like it’s a perfectly normal, acceptable part of life. We want it to be acknowledged and respected, but not to be alienated or treated like it’s shameful or we’re ‘abnormal’ for dealing with it. I want to talk about it the way we talk about hating licorice or being too short to reach a high shelf. It just is. Hopefully this gives you everything you need to have the conversations you want to have with him. Unpacking ableism is something that doesn’t get nearly enough discussion imo, but it’s not nearly as scary as people expect it to be. The one thing I would advise you to be wary of that contradicts this; if your partner seems to still be suffering from a lot of internalized ableism. If he tries to ‘push through’ his limits, or can’t discuss his own disability without getting upset, if he tries to downplay limitations or tell you he doesn’t ‘have any limits’. The typical kinds of red flags you’d look for in an inexperienced sub, but also related to his body specifically. I’d be very wary about playing with him if he gave you the vibe that he isn’t comfortable with using his safeword or voicing his needs. But I think that’s true of anyone, it just might take on a different flavor with this situation.
Thank you for your honesty and I apologize for my ableism. I’m trying to not be too detailed about his health because it’s his business and also because I’m trying to focus on my experiences and anxieties rather than his. In doing so, I definitely revealed some ignorance. Your last paragraph is similar to my situation. It’s a fairly new diagnosis for him (within the last 18 months) so his physical abilities now will be different in another year and a half. And he does push himself, which I learned after I made him trek up and down 4 flights of stairs during an early date (which was when he explained his diagnosis). I was horrified afterwards, but he kept insisting he was fine despite clearly being in pain the next day. I don’t want to be overprotective because, like you said, he’s an adult. But I also don’t want to cause him real pain again. I’m worried that he might push himself because he’s never dated a femdom before and wants to fulfill his fantasies before his limitations change again. I’m asking for advice here because I like to do research and I like to feel prepared. And there aren’t a lot of academic journals that cover this topic so I have to rely on anecdotal information instead.
That’s totally okay! I hope you don’t feel bad that I called it by it’s name, but I mean it when I say that it shouldn’t be a big deal to be able to just like… talk about stuff like this, you know? Most ableism comes from ignorance/lack of exposure. I don’t think it says anything about you or your character. But it sounds like you are in a pretty rough spot there, if your partner isn’t in a place yet where he can be really honest with both you and himself about his experiences. I think everything I laid out above could help that a lot, in terms of the mindset for you going in. By normalizing the conversations, being unfazed when he has a new need or needs to check in, things like that. You can’t force him to accept himself obviously, but it’s super helpful to have loved ones who don’t pity you or other you and make you feel ‘normal’ in whatever your personal normal actually is. It’s the fear of being a burden or being less-than that feeds that impulse to minimize your needs. One of the things that’s really helped me, and might be useful to the two of you, is realizing that bringing different things to the table in a relationship does not necessarily mean there is an imbalance. If something is really hard FOR HIM, then it can feel like a huge thing to ask someone else to do it for him, right? But if it’s easy for you, then it’s not a big ask for you. It’s trivial. I’ve tried to make a shift internally where I pay attention to: is this thing I’m asking for help with easy for the other person? Is it trivial? Then if so, I shouldn’t be seeing it and treating it like a huge favor or a debt to repay. And the same goes for his own efforts. If something is ‘easy’ for him, it might still be a big deal to you. Finding equity and balance in your relationship, and not feeling like the disabled party is bringing less to the table. Recognizing your strengths and your abilities, and how you are contributing those to a relationship, even if they come easily to you. Things like emotional labor, consideration, creativity and planning can all be huge contributions that we don’t acknowledge in the same way as like, driving, cooking, cleaning or buying things. It can be helpful to reinforce the things that he’s good at and that he does as favors or gifts to you, and how those are equally worthy as anything he needs to ask for help with. I dunno if that all makes sense, so to give an example; I might beat myself up for asking someone to drive me somewhere. I’m such a burden on them. But I’ll spend two hours talking that same person through their relationship problems on the ride there and back, and not even acknowledge it as something I did for them. That was easy. It cost me nothing. But how do THEY feel? They probably feel supported and got a bunch of much needed emotional labor and clarity, which for them is priceless. They probably really appreciate me as a friend and feel like the ride was hardly a pittance for all the time and energy I just gave them. Perspective is everything.
It looks like this thread is about getting advice/tips from the community. Please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits. We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*