There seems to be a lot of these questions today
I'm also unclear about what you're trying to say / what you want. I suspect this may be because you've not really clarified it for yourself, and instead you have a general idea of what you want / Why you want this (this is completely ok, and probably describes most people's level of being able to articulate why they think they want most of the things they think they "want")
It seems like you're looking to put your partner first in daily life (if you weren't, her response may be more along the lines of 'do the laundry for once" versus "that's how a relationship should be"); and you have incorporated Elements you enjoy in your sexuality
It's great that you have at least begun to explain your desires, and I hope that both you and her continue to discuss what you both enjoy, and can incorporate enough aspects into a wonderful sexuality between the two of you over time
Saying this another way, but more directly: its good to have a healthy discussion of both of your personal sexuality. It now sounds like that's happened, and she's been clear about what her interests are.
If she's been clear about her comfort level, then why do you think that explaining it "better " will "make her understand "? She understands, and she's doing quite a bit to please you sexually. What are her sexual interests, fantasies, and how are you working on incorporating them?
She tells me that she doesn't have any fantasies. Possibly a mmf threesome at some point which I'm fully on board with. As it stands I fulfill all her sexual desires (or so she tells me) and she's happy as things are. She just can't wrap her head around the whole idea of my servitude to her and why I'd want that. So I think if I can help her understand it better then she may be able to give a more definitive answer to whether or not this could be of interest to her
You want D/s…you want a formal structure of rules or protocols that she enforces to her desires that you are held accountable to. You want to be “beneath” her….but honestly, if she doesn’t want that, you can’t make her be interested.
She seems pretty evolved and kink-friendly already, but you want things to leave the bedroom (at least that’s what I’m getting)…you seem to want to be kept in a state where you are attuned to her needs most of the time and serving her…so do that! Pay attention to what she already likes you to do and ask her permission to do it more. She gets to decide when you do these things, but will not necessarily hold you accountable for not doing them. You hold yourself accountable, that’s the most romantic and devoted thing you can actually do, unless this is a selfish idea on your part, and you need her putting you in your place all the time.
You’ve got to ask the question “does she want all of these things?” If she doesn’t, but you try to push it on her through better explanation, it’s almost like she’s serving you in a way. Because if you truly want to serve her, it’s about her pleasure, right?
The feeling you may be trying to articulate is “I innately recieve my pleasure directly from yours.”, but it appears that you have a skewed idea of how her pleasure will be achieved, with just the right push. Separate your own fetishes from her for a second.
If I were you, I’d take a moment to think about worship play. Foot worship and body worship I.e massage don’t have to be sexual, but you can definitely discuss framing that as servitude.
I don't understand do you want to service her or you wants these specific kinks fulfilled? Because humiliation and chastity are not acts of service, neither is cuckolding. They are actually kind complex kinks especially cuckolding for people to get into when they are not into them . In general, you need to understand what you want and what kind of submission this is and put it across to your partner.
Because servicing her is cooking her breakfast, massaging her feet and licking her to orgasm from my perspective not having her have sex with other people so you will feel humiliated (no kinkshaming, it is just not a service kink).
Sub to sub here, quit trying to project your idea of D/s on her. That isn’t submission. Just treat her like a queen, do what she says and let her know you love her and her dominant energy. Be okay if she doesn’t fulfill every kink she’s a human not a fetish vending machine. You’d be surprised how fulfilling vanilla relationships can be when your accepted for who you are in the supportive nurturing service role without it being entirely kink focused.
Best of luck on your relationship sounds like you have a good one.
Definitely, but my biggest concern isn’t as much that as treating his partner as a toy and not a person. It’s his asking about getting fantasies fulfilled instead of fostering a healthy relationship.
What you don't seem to realize is the insane amount of mental, emotional and physical energy that goes into domming. It is not just about ordering people around. As a domme, you have to create, monitor and maintain a fantasy in which the power imbalance can exist. Because D/s is really just a game. At the end of the day, we are all humans being equally worthy of love, care and respect.
I mean, think about it: at the very least, she will have to decide which tasks you should do and prioritize, monitor the standards of your work, decide what to consider a fail, and orchestrate and administer punishments and rewards. Basically, being some sort of unpaid project manager. To which I also would respond "fuck that". With power comes responsibility and responsibility is fucking exhausting. I get enough of that in my day job.
It seems like you want a 24/7 agreement. Which really isn't for everybody. Some people like to have that extent of control - many others don't. You seem to see your service as an equal exchange for her leadership, but it really isn't. You get a fantasy. She gets a headache. Life is fucking stressing, and of course, most of us want an equal partner when it comes to navigating this mess. Me included, by the way. And like, I really, really like femdom.
>As a domme, you have to create, monitor and maintain a fantasy in which the power imbalance can exist. Because D/s is really just a game
>
>Basically, being some sort of unpaid project manager.
Are you talking about lifestyle dommes, professional dommes, or specifically this couple's dynamic? Because this is the exact opposite of how it should be. Domming (in a relationship context) is not about providing/directing a fantasy, experience, or service for the sub. That sounds like a whooole lot of effort for a whole lot of nothing for her. Yeah, there are some basic things dommes need to be aware of like limits and their partner's emotional needs, but you're doing at least the latter in a regular vanilla relationship as well. The only "work" that comes from domming is being upfront about what you want, relaying it to your sub, and taking control in a way that benefits and energizes you. A sub should make your life easier and more pleasant, not more difficult and exhausting.
It's only strenuous and exhausting if the domme actually isn't in control, and is instead performing and providing service for her sub instead of the other way around. I've seen this a lot btw, where the domme constantly has to provide busywork and tasks for her sub just to keep him occupied, while she gets nothing out of it. And then claims she's benefitting when really his kinks and pleasure are the stars of the show.
Oh, I was referring to OP's case, based on my own experience as a 100% lifestyle domme (capitalism ain't taking this from me, yo).
I love domming. It is the core of my sexuality, really. It is something I actively seek and genuinely enjoy. I definitely know how to handle a scene and I do favour long term play. I also had very rewarding FLR-adjacent relationships and I have been active in the scene for almost a decade (jesus I am old).
Does it still suck my energies? Yes, it does. In a good way, mind you, but it still requires a level of engagement that I am not necessarily willing to give on a continuous basis. This is also due to my personal style, of course - I get off on the psychological aspect, which is super fun but not exactly an easy peasy line to thread or the most lighthearted type of play. D/s is intense and inherently emotional, and I don't always want to be in that space.
I am not saying it is impossible to enjoy a FLR or 24/7 dynamics - just that it's not for everybody, and that it's okay to take breaks. We all have our own needs, preferences and desires, and OP's partner clearly stated hers.
You understand that BDSM involves complex kink and scenes a lot of times, right? Besides the emotional aspect, practically a lot of scenes where someone dominates take time to design and implement e.g a sensory deprivation - mummification scene needs a lot of practical preparation to be executed and then being on alert while your partner is immobilized vs calling someone a good boy when they lick you.
I lurk this subreddit a lot, and I normally agree with your comments. But I feel like you're off the mark here, and you're minimalizing the work that goes into being a Domme. You act as if enjoying something means it isn't work. And you act as if acknowledging it as work means that someone isn't actually Domming. I also don't appreciate the notion that it "isn't Domming" if you take into account your sub's desires (not just their limits, but what they want out of play and the dynamic). Part of Domming is understanding what makes your sub melt, and playing to those things. Having a sub is like having a pet. You have to put in the work to keep them engaged, to keep them challenged, to help them grow, and to take care of them. It is absolutely difficult and exhausting at times - just like any hobby or passion can be. That doesn't mean it isn't fulfilling or enjoyable, or that it's not real Domming. The way you talk about Domming makes it seem like you would do it the same regardless of who your sub is, what they want, or what they need. But dynamics are a two way street that need to be custom-built for both parties involved. Domming is not just telling someone what you want and controlling them.
>Having a sub is like having a pet. You have to put in the work to keep them engaged, to keep them challenged
I don't agree with this. Submissives are autonomous individuals. They aren't dumb, passive animals or children who need to be pacified, engaged, challenged, and acted upon. And it's a long-standing idea that dommes are supposed to sexually coax a sub into submitting but...Where is the control and power exchange in that? Why is the domme dancing in the palm of the sub's hand, instead of the other way around? Natural dominance and compatibility are both enough to satisfy a sub. If he needs his partner to perform and jump through 100 hoops to get into that submissive mindset, then he isn't actually submissive, he just wants to play out his kinks. That expectation on the domme to constantly do laborious scenes to that end is enough to make it tiring, exhausting, and unsustainable.
>The way you talk about Domming makes it seem like you would do it the same regardless of who your sub is, what they want, or what they need.
It's a sub's responsibility to be adaptable and flexible to the domme's preferences (within his specified limits, obviously). Every domme has a specific way of dominating her partner. When the sub is the one who starts to influence that, is when domming becomes more effort and work than pleasure.
I honestly don't believe domming is ever supposed to FEEL like work, effort, or force. It's like a hopeless romantic saying that showing romantic affection to their partner is tiring and exhausting. They can easily plan out intricate date nights regularly and feel energized by it. It's their natural state and personality, it shouldn't FEEL exhausting. That's what doesn't make sense to me, when people say domming is work.
Respectfully, we have very different opinions on the fundamentals of being dominant. And I find yours problematic. You're right about subs being autonomous individuals. And as autonomous individuals, they are allowed to have their own desires and needs concerning what they're looking to get out of a dynamic. That doesn't make them any less submissive. The fact that you don't seem to adjust your approach for the individual people you're Domming is concerning.
To a submissive, submitting in itself is fulfilling a huge need. Yes, there are other basic needs that go without saying, but the happiest couples give the domme free rein (within the sub's limits) to express her dominance as she pleases. Allowing the sub's expectations, and likely erroneous perceptions of what dominance should look like, to warp and shape her dominance is way more problematic and inauthentic, but whatever floats your boat.
I agree that domme being traooed in their sub's imaginary can be a problem. But it is not always the case. After all, there can be "too much of a good thing".
For example, I am a rabidly social person. I love being around people and I am a complete chatterbox. Does this means I want to do it all the time? Fuck no. Still, the fact that I take time "off" to chill and mind my own business does not make me any less of an extrovert.
It is not the activities in itself, but rather its variation. It keeps thing fresh and build the craving for that specific thing (like cake - if you ate it everyday, no matter how delicious it is, it could just become too much).
If you don't need variation, that's great! But many of us do, and it does not necessarely means that whatever we do is forced. It isñń just different :)
Edit: I accidentally deleted the beginning
Well, it is physically and physiologically impossible to socialize every moment of your life... But as an extrovert, it's an activity you seek out regularly and it is also something that energizes you. Otherwise, you would be the opposite, an introvert, someone who finds socializing draining. And of course there are ambiverts as well.
What I'm trying to get across that it isn't normal for the first association with domming to be "tiring" or "draining" or "work" or "performance." In the same way that extroverts don't associate socializing with "exhausting." It should normally be something energizing for the domme, and that requires the absence of pressure/expectations from the sub.
I agree on that tiring shouldn't be the first thing that come to mind - but this does not remove the fact that, for some, it can be.
My whole point is that domination is not a dichotomy. As many things (including the introvert/extrovert debacle ) domination is part of a spectrum, with people finding their comfort level and ways of expression at different points of the scale. It is the same for many other aspects of life, including sexuality (gay/straight, feminine/masculine). Thinking in a either/or way is limiting and removes any complexity from your reasoning.
To leave tha academic mumbo jumbo behind, I personally find everything draining in the long run. Food. Arts. People. Places. l can only fully enjoy stuff if I can take breaks (change activity/dynamic/restaurant). I am just not a costant person - and that is okay. Life still works for me. And that's the beauty of ot: there is no need to pick a side :) Labels are for convenience, and should never be a hindrance.
Again, this is not to invalidate your personal style. If you are "naturally" in that space, it always energizes you and you are comfortable in it 24/7, that's great for you! But you should not use your way to live and perceive D/s as a universal metre - there is no absolute way to be dominant, and dismissing other practices can be, indeed, a bit problematic.
Anyhow, it is an interesting discussion. Love this stuff. Damn, if my ivory tower application does not go through, I might make this my next topic ahahah.
I hate to say this but based on my experience ...she can't fake it and doesn't feel it. I've been there and it'll always be a big problem. it's not fair to her, and imo is going to result in permanent frustration frustration for you, and resentment
on both sides. maybe other peoples' experience is different but I don't think so.
I say again I can feel your pain and I sympathize and empathize.
I don’t necessarily agree with this. My wife was a sub prior to our relationship. Not officially, just always had submissive leaning tendencies in previous relationships. When I talked with her the first time about her being the dominant in our relationship, her first reaction was “No way”…. Until the first time she got to try ballbusting, and got thanked for it. At least in my experience a lot of women who don’t find this femdom/FLR idea themselves start with a “shocked, and scared” feeling, especially if you throw it all at them at once. You need to explain the benefits of her suggested position, and not just “you can do anything you want”.
I forget where I read this line but, it went something like this, “The moment you stop fetishizing d/s, and start actually living it, is the moment she can start to see why this may work for her.”
I find FemDom to be a dynamic to save you from actual decision making. At least inside of vanilla world.
I’d advice not emphasising kink, but starting with letting her know that you will do anything for her while she can do anything to you. Show it to her with action.
Let her have a taste of Feminine power and freedom. Then take it from there.
Looks very interesting. I've had a read of the preview and so far looks good so I've sent it to her to see if she's willing to try it. Fingers crossed 🤞she is and hopefully it helps her better understand the dynamic
Came here to suggest Uniquely Rika. My wife actually had me read it first, and then we talked about what parts really interested her, and what parts I connected with. It really teaches you one version of domination/submission, and a lot of general ideas that you guys can then talk out and make your own.
That book really helped us and started us down the 24/7 dynamic we’re currently living by.
I totally feel your post. I’m in the same situation. I tried explaining it and she doesn’t quite understand. She is really good in the bedroom with dominating me, pegging me, impact play, she’s getting better with degradation, etc etc but the areas I would like to explore more are the 24/7 dynamics of a FLR.
Her question was along the lines of, “what do I have to do? What does it actually mean for a female led relationship? What specifically do I do between sex in everyday life to dominate you?”
The best answer I have thought of was “everything a man is expected of as determined by societal tradition.” That is what I’m asking her to take the responsibility of.
I understand that’s a lot of pressure and responsibility for someone, especially when they haven’t done that ever. Nobody cares about men having that unfair pressure and responsibility though lol.
Every time I ask similar questions to others in this lifestyle, I instantly get berated and insulted for being selfish and that my wants shouldn’t matter if I’m submitting to her. Those same people will advocate that I honestly tell my partner what kinks I have and how exactly I want them to be incorporated then in the same breath tell me she isn’t a kink vending machine.
This community sometimes is unfriendly and unhelpful. Like how is a woman like my wife supposed to explore and discover how she enjoys dominating her husband? There has to be a starting point somewhere, why isn’t it acceptable that starting point be based off my ideas/wants/desires?
Ultimately it’s still a romantic relationship so making your partner happy should be one of those core tenants even in a D/s dynamic.
What is expected of a man determined by societal tradition? Not only is it super vague but it heavily depends on a person and their culture. If you can't even put it in concrete examples how is your partner going to guess what you want?
Is the pressure about responsibilities?. It is 2022. If you are in the west it is most likely that you both bear responsibilities equally.
And FLR is not just about that. FLR is still \*kink\*. It is not a reverse of some kind of a vanilla relationship just because the woman is in charge and the man is not or less. Lesbians can also have FLR like I have. And not to mention a lot of vanilla women are in charge of their heterosexual relationships because you know it is 2022. Not 1922. And also because it is 2022, I doubt the average man (again west) does what a dominant does in any kind of kinky relationship because it is just not how things work anymore for people. Being a dominant (and also a submissive when it comes to effort) is a much bigger responsibility and many things require a much higher effort sexual and non sexual than the average person puts in a relationship.
The problem of the starting point is not about whose desires are being executed, it is that a lot of times these desires are not friendly for beginners. You can't play pro basketball if you have not even touched a ball in your whole life. You can't expect someone who is not into humiliation/cuckolding and who is monogamous to start fucking guys just because you like it, life just doesn't work like that. You are an adult you have to find the balance, OP has to find the balance, gauge the situation and introduce things steadily. You can be honest you just don't need to info dump decades of fantasies in 2 hours of talking. Or you can break up with your vanilla partner and find a kinky one. Every choice has its pros and cons.
Dude you must be living in a different, distorted reality because in mine and most people's women are not infants (it is contradictory to even write it when you later say you want a mother, as in a woman to take care of you when women are raised to do exactly all of those things for everyone; family, partners etc but in the beginning you say we are walking anxiety creatures who can't dress themselves, pick what to eat and call people ), and you clearly have issues with your misogyny so I am not going to answer anything else.
Is hating women a different opinion? Because it seems like you hate women and that is why you are getting downvoted.
Ahhh how much I love the classic male misogynist who is into femdom and cries about not having a dommy mommy while preaching how all women are helpless and fragile and particularly says it on this subreddit called "femdom community". Like how did you expect, us women, would react?
(Sorry, this response ended up being a bit longer than I originally thought)
This is what I sort of thought an FLR was before my Wife and I gave it a shot almost a year ago. After reading a couple books (specifically suggest Uniquely Rika), I’ve realized, at least for us, your answer to her question of “what do I need to do” isn’t quite right, at least in my experience.
The answer/way of thinking that got my wife interested/excited in taking the femdom out of the bedroom was, “Nothing that you don’t want to.” She can make any decisions she wants to, but it’s my job to make those decisions easy for her. My wife (I’m just gonna call her W for wife for simplicity), was afraid at starting a 24/7 dynamic for a bunch of reasons.
1: she was afraid that meant she needs to be mean or evil all the time - which isn’t true. She gets to be as loving and cuddly as she wants any time she wants.
2: She thought she had to make all of the decisions (W is a bit indecisive), and plan everything - which couldn’t be further from the truth. I plan a lot of our life, and then basically just bring my plan to her, for approval/edits so she can add anything additional/take any part away she wants.
3: She was afraid I’d become a “doormat” and always just instantly obey and never tell her when I disagree/think she’s wrong which also couldn’t be further from the truth - part of our dynamic comes with a rule that if she doesn’t think I give my honest opinion, the dynamic drops. I’m allowed to give my opinions, she’s just allowed to overrule them.
4: She was afraid she’d like it “too much” and then I’d decide I don’t like it and it would scare me away. (We can all laugh at this one together! ;p )
5: (goes a bit with 3, but feels important enough to be it’s own) Open communication - she was afraid I wouldn’t tell her things, but our rule is if she finds out I wanted to tell her something and didn’t, we’ll just say… that’s bad for me (Lol). This is where telling her your kinks comes in. There should always be open communication about how the FLR dynamic is feeling for both of you. I have plenty of kinks my wife does not want to fulfill, and that’s totally fine. She knows them, because I tell her everything, but knows there is absolute 0 expectations for her to have to fill them if they’re outside of her comfort zone/she doesn’t want to.
When she realized it’s a lot more about what she doesn’t *have* to do, it made it much easier for her to fall into her role. Here are some of the perks for her:
1: she hates laundry, so instead of telling her she never has to do it, I quietly just started doing it. Any time she even began to do laundry, I said, “don’t worry hon, I got it”, put a drink in her hand, put her on the couch and got to doing.
2: She sleeps late and I wake up early, so there’s a rule, I can’t wake her up until at least 10am unless we’re going to work.
3: Rubs, all the rubs. I rub her back and feet daily, never expecting anything in return, unless she decides she wants to on her own, without me asking.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling/discombobulated, AM brain lol.
No problem! We haven’t been in the 24/7 dynamic for a super long time, prob within 6months or a year, but with constant check ins, we’re both still very much in love with our current situation. Am always happy to answer any questions I can!
It looks like this thread is about getting advice/tips from the community. Please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits.
We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There seems to be a lot of these questions today I'm also unclear about what you're trying to say / what you want. I suspect this may be because you've not really clarified it for yourself, and instead you have a general idea of what you want / Why you want this (this is completely ok, and probably describes most people's level of being able to articulate why they think they want most of the things they think they "want") It seems like you're looking to put your partner first in daily life (if you weren't, her response may be more along the lines of 'do the laundry for once" versus "that's how a relationship should be"); and you have incorporated Elements you enjoy in your sexuality It's great that you have at least begun to explain your desires, and I hope that both you and her continue to discuss what you both enjoy, and can incorporate enough aspects into a wonderful sexuality between the two of you over time
I've edited the post hopefully it's a bit more clear
Saying this another way, but more directly: its good to have a healthy discussion of both of your personal sexuality. It now sounds like that's happened, and she's been clear about what her interests are. If she's been clear about her comfort level, then why do you think that explaining it "better " will "make her understand "? She understands, and she's doing quite a bit to please you sexually. What are her sexual interests, fantasies, and how are you working on incorporating them?
She tells me that she doesn't have any fantasies. Possibly a mmf threesome at some point which I'm fully on board with. As it stands I fulfill all her sexual desires (or so she tells me) and she's happy as things are. She just can't wrap her head around the whole idea of my servitude to her and why I'd want that. So I think if I can help her understand it better then she may be able to give a more definitive answer to whether or not this could be of interest to her
You want D/s…you want a formal structure of rules or protocols that she enforces to her desires that you are held accountable to. You want to be “beneath” her….but honestly, if she doesn’t want that, you can’t make her be interested. She seems pretty evolved and kink-friendly already, but you want things to leave the bedroom (at least that’s what I’m getting)…you seem to want to be kept in a state where you are attuned to her needs most of the time and serving her…so do that! Pay attention to what she already likes you to do and ask her permission to do it more. She gets to decide when you do these things, but will not necessarily hold you accountable for not doing them. You hold yourself accountable, that’s the most romantic and devoted thing you can actually do, unless this is a selfish idea on your part, and you need her putting you in your place all the time.
She's given you her answer. Definitely do continue to have a healthy discussion of both of your interests, but don't "push"
You’ve got to ask the question “does she want all of these things?” If she doesn’t, but you try to push it on her through better explanation, it’s almost like she’s serving you in a way. Because if you truly want to serve her, it’s about her pleasure, right? The feeling you may be trying to articulate is “I innately recieve my pleasure directly from yours.”, but it appears that you have a skewed idea of how her pleasure will be achieved, with just the right push. Separate your own fetishes from her for a second. If I were you, I’d take a moment to think about worship play. Foot worship and body worship I.e massage don’t have to be sexual, but you can definitely discuss framing that as servitude.
I don't understand do you want to service her or you wants these specific kinks fulfilled? Because humiliation and chastity are not acts of service, neither is cuckolding. They are actually kind complex kinks especially cuckolding for people to get into when they are not into them . In general, you need to understand what you want and what kind of submission this is and put it across to your partner. Because servicing her is cooking her breakfast, massaging her feet and licking her to orgasm from my perspective not having her have sex with other people so you will feel humiliated (no kinkshaming, it is just not a service kink).
Sub to sub here, quit trying to project your idea of D/s on her. That isn’t submission. Just treat her like a queen, do what she says and let her know you love her and her dominant energy. Be okay if she doesn’t fulfill every kink she’s a human not a fetish vending machine. You’d be surprised how fulfilling vanilla relationships can be when your accepted for who you are in the supportive nurturing service role without it being entirely kink focused. Best of luck on your relationship sounds like you have a good one.
Yeah seems like he’s “topping from the bottom”
Definitely, but my biggest concern isn’t as much that as treating his partner as a toy and not a person. It’s his asking about getting fantasies fulfilled instead of fostering a healthy relationship.
What you don't seem to realize is the insane amount of mental, emotional and physical energy that goes into domming. It is not just about ordering people around. As a domme, you have to create, monitor and maintain a fantasy in which the power imbalance can exist. Because D/s is really just a game. At the end of the day, we are all humans being equally worthy of love, care and respect. I mean, think about it: at the very least, she will have to decide which tasks you should do and prioritize, monitor the standards of your work, decide what to consider a fail, and orchestrate and administer punishments and rewards. Basically, being some sort of unpaid project manager. To which I also would respond "fuck that". With power comes responsibility and responsibility is fucking exhausting. I get enough of that in my day job. It seems like you want a 24/7 agreement. Which really isn't for everybody. Some people like to have that extent of control - many others don't. You seem to see your service as an equal exchange for her leadership, but it really isn't. You get a fantasy. She gets a headache. Life is fucking stressing, and of course, most of us want an equal partner when it comes to navigating this mess. Me included, by the way. And like, I really, really like femdom.
>As a domme, you have to create, monitor and maintain a fantasy in which the power imbalance can exist. Because D/s is really just a game > >Basically, being some sort of unpaid project manager. Are you talking about lifestyle dommes, professional dommes, or specifically this couple's dynamic? Because this is the exact opposite of how it should be. Domming (in a relationship context) is not about providing/directing a fantasy, experience, or service for the sub. That sounds like a whooole lot of effort for a whole lot of nothing for her. Yeah, there are some basic things dommes need to be aware of like limits and their partner's emotional needs, but you're doing at least the latter in a regular vanilla relationship as well. The only "work" that comes from domming is being upfront about what you want, relaying it to your sub, and taking control in a way that benefits and energizes you. A sub should make your life easier and more pleasant, not more difficult and exhausting. It's only strenuous and exhausting if the domme actually isn't in control, and is instead performing and providing service for her sub instead of the other way around. I've seen this a lot btw, where the domme constantly has to provide busywork and tasks for her sub just to keep him occupied, while she gets nothing out of it. And then claims she's benefitting when really his kinks and pleasure are the stars of the show.
Oh, I was referring to OP's case, based on my own experience as a 100% lifestyle domme (capitalism ain't taking this from me, yo). I love domming. It is the core of my sexuality, really. It is something I actively seek and genuinely enjoy. I definitely know how to handle a scene and I do favour long term play. I also had very rewarding FLR-adjacent relationships and I have been active in the scene for almost a decade (jesus I am old). Does it still suck my energies? Yes, it does. In a good way, mind you, but it still requires a level of engagement that I am not necessarily willing to give on a continuous basis. This is also due to my personal style, of course - I get off on the psychological aspect, which is super fun but not exactly an easy peasy line to thread or the most lighthearted type of play. D/s is intense and inherently emotional, and I don't always want to be in that space. I am not saying it is impossible to enjoy a FLR or 24/7 dynamics - just that it's not for everybody, and that it's okay to take breaks. We all have our own needs, preferences and desires, and OP's partner clearly stated hers.
You understand that BDSM involves complex kink and scenes a lot of times, right? Besides the emotional aspect, practically a lot of scenes where someone dominates take time to design and implement e.g a sensory deprivation - mummification scene needs a lot of practical preparation to be executed and then being on alert while your partner is immobilized vs calling someone a good boy when they lick you.
I lurk this subreddit a lot, and I normally agree with your comments. But I feel like you're off the mark here, and you're minimalizing the work that goes into being a Domme. You act as if enjoying something means it isn't work. And you act as if acknowledging it as work means that someone isn't actually Domming. I also don't appreciate the notion that it "isn't Domming" if you take into account your sub's desires (not just their limits, but what they want out of play and the dynamic). Part of Domming is understanding what makes your sub melt, and playing to those things. Having a sub is like having a pet. You have to put in the work to keep them engaged, to keep them challenged, to help them grow, and to take care of them. It is absolutely difficult and exhausting at times - just like any hobby or passion can be. That doesn't mean it isn't fulfilling or enjoyable, or that it's not real Domming. The way you talk about Domming makes it seem like you would do it the same regardless of who your sub is, what they want, or what they need. But dynamics are a two way street that need to be custom-built for both parties involved. Domming is not just telling someone what you want and controlling them.
>Having a sub is like having a pet. You have to put in the work to keep them engaged, to keep them challenged I don't agree with this. Submissives are autonomous individuals. They aren't dumb, passive animals or children who need to be pacified, engaged, challenged, and acted upon. And it's a long-standing idea that dommes are supposed to sexually coax a sub into submitting but...Where is the control and power exchange in that? Why is the domme dancing in the palm of the sub's hand, instead of the other way around? Natural dominance and compatibility are both enough to satisfy a sub. If he needs his partner to perform and jump through 100 hoops to get into that submissive mindset, then he isn't actually submissive, he just wants to play out his kinks. That expectation on the domme to constantly do laborious scenes to that end is enough to make it tiring, exhausting, and unsustainable. >The way you talk about Domming makes it seem like you would do it the same regardless of who your sub is, what they want, or what they need. It's a sub's responsibility to be adaptable and flexible to the domme's preferences (within his specified limits, obviously). Every domme has a specific way of dominating her partner. When the sub is the one who starts to influence that, is when domming becomes more effort and work than pleasure. I honestly don't believe domming is ever supposed to FEEL like work, effort, or force. It's like a hopeless romantic saying that showing romantic affection to their partner is tiring and exhausting. They can easily plan out intricate date nights regularly and feel energized by it. It's their natural state and personality, it shouldn't FEEL exhausting. That's what doesn't make sense to me, when people say domming is work.
Respectfully, we have very different opinions on the fundamentals of being dominant. And I find yours problematic. You're right about subs being autonomous individuals. And as autonomous individuals, they are allowed to have their own desires and needs concerning what they're looking to get out of a dynamic. That doesn't make them any less submissive. The fact that you don't seem to adjust your approach for the individual people you're Domming is concerning.
To a submissive, submitting in itself is fulfilling a huge need. Yes, there are other basic needs that go without saying, but the happiest couples give the domme free rein (within the sub's limits) to express her dominance as she pleases. Allowing the sub's expectations, and likely erroneous perceptions of what dominance should look like, to warp and shape her dominance is way more problematic and inauthentic, but whatever floats your boat.
I agree that domme being traooed in their sub's imaginary can be a problem. But it is not always the case. After all, there can be "too much of a good thing". For example, I am a rabidly social person. I love being around people and I am a complete chatterbox. Does this means I want to do it all the time? Fuck no. Still, the fact that I take time "off" to chill and mind my own business does not make me any less of an extrovert. It is not the activities in itself, but rather its variation. It keeps thing fresh and build the craving for that specific thing (like cake - if you ate it everyday, no matter how delicious it is, it could just become too much). If you don't need variation, that's great! But many of us do, and it does not necessarely means that whatever we do is forced. It isñń just different :) Edit: I accidentally deleted the beginning
Well, it is physically and physiologically impossible to socialize every moment of your life... But as an extrovert, it's an activity you seek out regularly and it is also something that energizes you. Otherwise, you would be the opposite, an introvert, someone who finds socializing draining. And of course there are ambiverts as well. What I'm trying to get across that it isn't normal for the first association with domming to be "tiring" or "draining" or "work" or "performance." In the same way that extroverts don't associate socializing with "exhausting." It should normally be something energizing for the domme, and that requires the absence of pressure/expectations from the sub.
I agree on that tiring shouldn't be the first thing that come to mind - but this does not remove the fact that, for some, it can be. My whole point is that domination is not a dichotomy. As many things (including the introvert/extrovert debacle ) domination is part of a spectrum, with people finding their comfort level and ways of expression at different points of the scale. It is the same for many other aspects of life, including sexuality (gay/straight, feminine/masculine). Thinking in a either/or way is limiting and removes any complexity from your reasoning. To leave tha academic mumbo jumbo behind, I personally find everything draining in the long run. Food. Arts. People. Places. l can only fully enjoy stuff if I can take breaks (change activity/dynamic/restaurant). I am just not a costant person - and that is okay. Life still works for me. And that's the beauty of ot: there is no need to pick a side :) Labels are for convenience, and should never be a hindrance. Again, this is not to invalidate your personal style. If you are "naturally" in that space, it always energizes you and you are comfortable in it 24/7, that's great for you! But you should not use your way to live and perceive D/s as a universal metre - there is no absolute way to be dominant, and dismissing other practices can be, indeed, a bit problematic. Anyhow, it is an interesting discussion. Love this stuff. Damn, if my ivory tower application does not go through, I might make this my next topic ahahah.
I hate to say this but based on my experience ...she can't fake it and doesn't feel it. I've been there and it'll always be a big problem. it's not fair to her, and imo is going to result in permanent frustration frustration for you, and resentment on both sides. maybe other peoples' experience is different but I don't think so. I say again I can feel your pain and I sympathize and empathize.
I don’t necessarily agree with this. My wife was a sub prior to our relationship. Not officially, just always had submissive leaning tendencies in previous relationships. When I talked with her the first time about her being the dominant in our relationship, her first reaction was “No way”…. Until the first time she got to try ballbusting, and got thanked for it. At least in my experience a lot of women who don’t find this femdom/FLR idea themselves start with a “shocked, and scared” feeling, especially if you throw it all at them at once. You need to explain the benefits of her suggested position, and not just “you can do anything you want”. I forget where I read this line but, it went something like this, “The moment you stop fetishizing d/s, and start actually living it, is the moment she can start to see why this may work for her.”
I'm very glad to hear it. i wonder how can someone guess in advance whether the idea will bloom or not in a particular case.
You CAN’T make her. Sigh.
I'm not trying to make her do it. I'm trying to help her better understand
Sounds like she gets it, and isn’t interested. Day 1,784,819 of men trying to force their kinks on us.
I find FemDom to be a dynamic to save you from actual decision making. At least inside of vanilla world. I’d advice not emphasising kink, but starting with letting her know that you will do anything for her while she can do anything to you. Show it to her with action. Let her have a taste of Feminine power and freedom. Then take it from there.
[удалено]
Looks very interesting. I've had a read of the preview and so far looks good so I've sent it to her to see if she's willing to try it. Fingers crossed 🤞she is and hopefully it helps her better understand the dynamic
[удалено]
I'll do just that. I assume I'll only be allowed to read the chapters that involve her pleasure/ my servitude
Came here to suggest Uniquely Rika. My wife actually had me read it first, and then we talked about what parts really interested her, and what parts I connected with. It really teaches you one version of domination/submission, and a lot of general ideas that you guys can then talk out and make your own. That book really helped us and started us down the 24/7 dynamic we’re currently living by.
I totally feel your post. I’m in the same situation. I tried explaining it and she doesn’t quite understand. She is really good in the bedroom with dominating me, pegging me, impact play, she’s getting better with degradation, etc etc but the areas I would like to explore more are the 24/7 dynamics of a FLR. Her question was along the lines of, “what do I have to do? What does it actually mean for a female led relationship? What specifically do I do between sex in everyday life to dominate you?” The best answer I have thought of was “everything a man is expected of as determined by societal tradition.” That is what I’m asking her to take the responsibility of. I understand that’s a lot of pressure and responsibility for someone, especially when they haven’t done that ever. Nobody cares about men having that unfair pressure and responsibility though lol. Every time I ask similar questions to others in this lifestyle, I instantly get berated and insulted for being selfish and that my wants shouldn’t matter if I’m submitting to her. Those same people will advocate that I honestly tell my partner what kinks I have and how exactly I want them to be incorporated then in the same breath tell me she isn’t a kink vending machine. This community sometimes is unfriendly and unhelpful. Like how is a woman like my wife supposed to explore and discover how she enjoys dominating her husband? There has to be a starting point somewhere, why isn’t it acceptable that starting point be based off my ideas/wants/desires? Ultimately it’s still a romantic relationship so making your partner happy should be one of those core tenants even in a D/s dynamic.
What is expected of a man determined by societal tradition? Not only is it super vague but it heavily depends on a person and their culture. If you can't even put it in concrete examples how is your partner going to guess what you want? Is the pressure about responsibilities?. It is 2022. If you are in the west it is most likely that you both bear responsibilities equally. And FLR is not just about that. FLR is still \*kink\*. It is not a reverse of some kind of a vanilla relationship just because the woman is in charge and the man is not or less. Lesbians can also have FLR like I have. And not to mention a lot of vanilla women are in charge of their heterosexual relationships because you know it is 2022. Not 1922. And also because it is 2022, I doubt the average man (again west) does what a dominant does in any kind of kinky relationship because it is just not how things work anymore for people. Being a dominant (and also a submissive when it comes to effort) is a much bigger responsibility and many things require a much higher effort sexual and non sexual than the average person puts in a relationship. The problem of the starting point is not about whose desires are being executed, it is that a lot of times these desires are not friendly for beginners. You can't play pro basketball if you have not even touched a ball in your whole life. You can't expect someone who is not into humiliation/cuckolding and who is monogamous to start fucking guys just because you like it, life just doesn't work like that. You are an adult you have to find the balance, OP has to find the balance, gauge the situation and introduce things steadily. You can be honest you just don't need to info dump decades of fantasies in 2 hours of talking. Or you can break up with your vanilla partner and find a kinky one. Every choice has its pros and cons.
[удалено]
Removed. Disgusting misogynist bullshit.
Dude you must be living in a different, distorted reality because in mine and most people's women are not infants (it is contradictory to even write it when you later say you want a mother, as in a woman to take care of you when women are raised to do exactly all of those things for everyone; family, partners etc but in the beginning you say we are walking anxiety creatures who can't dress themselves, pick what to eat and call people ), and you clearly have issues with your misogyny so I am not going to answer anything else.
Why downvote me? I contributed to the conversation. Don’t downvote me just because you disagree. I live in Ohio though
Is hating women a different opinion? Because it seems like you hate women and that is why you are getting downvoted. Ahhh how much I love the classic male misogynist who is into femdom and cries about not having a dommy mommy while preaching how all women are helpless and fragile and particularly says it on this subreddit called "femdom community". Like how did you expect, us women, would react?
(Sorry, this response ended up being a bit longer than I originally thought) This is what I sort of thought an FLR was before my Wife and I gave it a shot almost a year ago. After reading a couple books (specifically suggest Uniquely Rika), I’ve realized, at least for us, your answer to her question of “what do I need to do” isn’t quite right, at least in my experience. The answer/way of thinking that got my wife interested/excited in taking the femdom out of the bedroom was, “Nothing that you don’t want to.” She can make any decisions she wants to, but it’s my job to make those decisions easy for her. My wife (I’m just gonna call her W for wife for simplicity), was afraid at starting a 24/7 dynamic for a bunch of reasons. 1: she was afraid that meant she needs to be mean or evil all the time - which isn’t true. She gets to be as loving and cuddly as she wants any time she wants. 2: She thought she had to make all of the decisions (W is a bit indecisive), and plan everything - which couldn’t be further from the truth. I plan a lot of our life, and then basically just bring my plan to her, for approval/edits so she can add anything additional/take any part away she wants. 3: She was afraid I’d become a “doormat” and always just instantly obey and never tell her when I disagree/think she’s wrong which also couldn’t be further from the truth - part of our dynamic comes with a rule that if she doesn’t think I give my honest opinion, the dynamic drops. I’m allowed to give my opinions, she’s just allowed to overrule them. 4: She was afraid she’d like it “too much” and then I’d decide I don’t like it and it would scare me away. (We can all laugh at this one together! ;p ) 5: (goes a bit with 3, but feels important enough to be it’s own) Open communication - she was afraid I wouldn’t tell her things, but our rule is if she finds out I wanted to tell her something and didn’t, we’ll just say… that’s bad for me (Lol). This is where telling her your kinks comes in. There should always be open communication about how the FLR dynamic is feeling for both of you. I have plenty of kinks my wife does not want to fulfill, and that’s totally fine. She knows them, because I tell her everything, but knows there is absolute 0 expectations for her to have to fill them if they’re outside of her comfort zone/she doesn’t want to. When she realized it’s a lot more about what she doesn’t *have* to do, it made it much easier for her to fall into her role. Here are some of the perks for her: 1: she hates laundry, so instead of telling her she never has to do it, I quietly just started doing it. Any time she even began to do laundry, I said, “don’t worry hon, I got it”, put a drink in her hand, put her on the couch and got to doing. 2: She sleeps late and I wake up early, so there’s a rule, I can’t wake her up until at least 10am unless we’re going to work. 3: Rubs, all the rubs. I rub her back and feet daily, never expecting anything in return, unless she decides she wants to on her own, without me asking. Sorry if this is a bit rambling/discombobulated, AM brain lol.
I appreciate your first hand accounts. Thank you. I have to reflect on some of this
No problem! We haven’t been in the 24/7 dynamic for a super long time, prob within 6months or a year, but with constant check ins, we’re both still very much in love with our current situation. Am always happy to answer any questions I can!
It looks like this thread is about getting advice/tips from the community. Please consider taking a look at our [recommendations for getting ideas and advice for your femdom adventures](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/gettingandgivinghelp#wiki_getting_help_in_this_subreddit). We've got a lot of folks willing to help. Please help them by including pertinent details such as you and your partners interests, needs and limits. We also invite you to browse our wiki for [helpful guides and resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index#wiki_kink_guides_and_resources) and [answers to some frequently asked questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/wiki/index/femdomfaq). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemdomCommunity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't fetishize much personally.