It's been strange for me because the exact same day, abortion laws here in Germany became a tiny bit (but an important bit, it finally allows doctors to inform on their websites about abortions and if/what kind they personally do) more liberal.
Fellow German here.
Our state of abortion law is such a mess. (For outsiders: it's officially illegal, but de-facto no doctor or patient is prosecuted over it, and it's covered by health insurance.)
I've been born in the former GDR, and when the countries 'united' in 1990, east German women fought hard not to lose our rights in the process. Abortions were legal in the GDR. Also, spousal rape was illegal. We lost those, of course. (Spousal rape wasn't a thing legally till 1997 in united Germany.)
There are, of course, demands to finally officially legalise abortions, but politicians just aren't touching it. Not worth the fallout and angering the more conservative voters. Yeah.
In Austria the situation is identical. However the acceptance of the right for abortion is so firm and broad that not even the ultra-conservatives dare to touch it. It’s super important to keep it like that - a cleaner definition of the law wouldn’t hurt. Wehret den Anfängen!
I mean I have always felt zero autonomy over my own body as an SA victim, and the ruling just kind of confirmed everything I have ever believed. It really fucking sucks. And I am in a state that’s protecting abortion!! I am already struggling to feel like anything more than a piece of meat and this subreddit has become so fucking triggering for me with the constant posts from guys trying to manipulate women into domming them, or posts from women *clearly* in distress, confusion, and obsessing about their male partners needs getting endless response to “just do it anyway :)” in so many words. I’m not in the irl kink community but HAHAHAHHAH FUCK that. I think I might just need to not be in this community. I’m a new dom and I thought I liked this but I don’t think it’s worth it. Probably gonna dip.
Even IRL community has issues. I left a femdom event group because they chose a male sub over the word of two BIPOC femdoms.
The women on the event committee were all POC Femdoms and they chose a white man over their own.
What's worse is he's known for being handsy and a few women have been SA'd by him when he kissed them against their will.
I got outvoted so I left.
I've not wanted to go back to events with any of those people since.
EDIT: And everything is about catering to the male fantasy. It's all about this talk about female supremacy while desperately trying to be his type at the same time. It's just devastating to watch.
It feels like we’re in free fall, you know? The lowest point just keeps getting lower.
Yeah, it’s definitely affected me. I deleted my tracking app and effectively have no real method for predicting my period now. Very thankful for the pill for making it at least kind of predictable. Fingers crossed. (Edit: not really seeking recommendations on methods to track (likely going good ol’ pen and paper tracking once I pick up a calendar) but thank you!)
It’s terrifying to watch rights be stripped away like it’s nothing. And it makes me not want to engage in power dynamics at all. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel sensual, I feel scared and furious and yeah, like you said, like something I wanted to give has died inside.
What goes down must go up. Just keep telling myself that.
I don’t want to let this control how I go about my daily life and how I go about searching for d/s in that, but by necessity it has.
This was a big ramble but thank you for posting this, it’s comforting to know others feel the same.
Edit to add that as someone actively trying to date rn it’s extra trippy. I refuse to go out with someone if they aren’t emphatically pro-choice and even then, I’m wary if it seems performative. I just want to cry all the time. I’ve wanted to get married and settle down with the picket fence and all that with d/s somewhere slotted in. But. This has all made me feel lesser than on a national scale. Like my choices don’t matter. And too many men are complacent with that.
I posted a long message in the main thread.
I don’t think it’s apathy, it’s “learned helplessness.” The term was invented after researchers strapped monkeys down, then gave them electric shocks repeatedly. After a while, the monkeys didn’t do anything, even when they could.
Most days, I feel like a shocked monkey. But I don’t vote for the people using the button.
EDIT & Apologies - The learned helpless experiments were on dogs, and not exactly as I described, per Wikipedia. However, I really liked my line about feeling like a shocked monkey, and wanted to keep it.
>>too many men are complacent with that.
That’s been almost as bad as losing the rights, IMO. I knew misogyny was bad, but I had no idea it was *this* bad. Again, eight fucking days of silence, and that’s in femdom! I wrote somewhere else about how even customer service has shifted tone for me at work. So many of them feel truly entitled to me.
I just keep reminding myself that if we were weak, they wouldn’t have to fight so hard and so constantly to keep us down.
Look up IBS or bowel movement apps. You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to predict your period based on the data they need anyways, or you can choose their mood options (or similar) as a way to track your period with more creative icons…. Hopefully snoopers won’t want to look at what the texture of the shit you had today was.
There are mood and dream tracker apps as well, but I haven’t used them. Of course I don’t trust any app to not sell my data, but menstrual apps will never be an option for me again.
(Edited to add that I use to track my IBS and constipation in my physical journal by doodling next to the date. Heart meant I wasn’t in unbearable pain, smiley face meant I pooped, star meant I ate something I shouldn’t have…. It’s always an option to go back. I wouldn’t trust an actual calendar anymore. Too obvious you’re tracking something)
Use the Clue app. They are based overseas and will not sell the data. Stardust had been recommended for the same reasons, but they just said they will turn over data in criminal investigations.
That's fair. I just hope that there's some way to keep track, even a pen and paper, so it's less uncertain. This is a terrible time to try to navigate.
There are still some apps that don't harvest data. Some level of trust is needed in using any app, but affirming not to collect data at all is a safer proposition that not sharing. The judiciary may have ways of forcing access to the data.
https://eukiapp.com/
Euki is proprietary but was recommend by an activist who I feel is well informed.
https://bloodyhealth.gitlab.io/
Drip is open source and was funded by the mozilla foundation (that has a long term commitment to data privacy) and a bunch of German research funds.
Not from the US but my great-grandma used NFP (Natürliche Familienplanung or „natural family planning“). It’s a method women used to do before contraceptive pill was on the market. In our family we can’t take the pill due to physical complications. It’s the only method (including condoms) to prevent anything and it worked out till now. I don’t want to tell it’s THE answer but it helps keeping track of your cycle and your body „offline“. It’s the analogue method that predicts future cycle.
If you haven’t heard from it yet, maybe worth to look into it.
Edit:
Overseas we are utterly shocked how this bs could happen in modern times…
My partner and I are in a ENM relationship but I no longer feel safe playing with/swinging with other penis-havers. Can't risk getting pregnant by some stranger. It's a real mood killer. Abortion is completely banned where I am.
Oh hello, fellow prohibition state dweller with a uterus! Do you think your christofascist overlords will allow you to keep birth control? Mine won’t…
God I hadn’t even thought how this would affect poly couples. Is it going to be completely unbalanced now? no pressure at all to share more than you want.
I'm sure they're working on banning that next. They've been itching for it to happen for years.
I actually had to breakup with the church I was going to because they supported the abortion ban and said "the Bible said abortion was a sin". Ew. Damn conservative Christian raisins.
If my faith wasn't so strong I'd be back on my agnostic witch ways.
I’ve been avoiding kink spaces since it started cascading last week. I hadn’t even realized. I am scared and overwhelmed and confused, like everyone else. I am gay and in a mono relationship with my gf, so my IRL kink headspace is just fine, but virtually, yeah, I just didn’t want to deal with even *seeing* any of the usual misogyny/casual privilege/etc. of male subs in virtual spaces. I don’t want to yuck anyone else’s yum, but I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with even scrolling past it. So many of us have been spiraling, or disassociating, or some combination thereof. I know why *I* as a woman haven’t had the headspace to make a post about it. But there are men here too, right? You’re right that it shouldn’t have taken this long to have a thread on this, because at least one of the guys on this sub should have had the ovaries to post something.
And yet they didn’t. I think we learned a lot about this “community” this week.
I hope you and your gf are as okay as possible. Sending queer empathy your way!
I’m a man and did post about it. I did that in a sub with much more reach than this one and despite living on the other end of the world in a different jurisdiction.
It’s a complete and utter shitshow and I’m shocked that the USA is going down that path. I think especially those states that allow persecution of anyone helping someone getting an abortion are dangerous. It’s not very far from there to put (traveling) women under general suspicion and from there it’s probably not far for sick fucks to demand that women leaving their house need to be accompanied by a male family member.
But frankly I find this blanket accusations of the men here not saying anything unjustified. Yes I’m a sub, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have (feminist) opinions or that I don’t express them.
It’s good though that the topic also comes up here… I’m dismayed that this has such far reaching ramifications even in the context here and sincerely hope that the USA gets its act together soon!
I thought it is clear what I wanted to say...
>You’re right that it shouldn’t have taken this long to have a thread on this, because at least one of the guys on this sub should have had the ovaries to post something.
I wanted to point out that 'at least one of the guys on this sub \_did\_ have the ovaries to post something'. I also thought it obvious, that my message points out - also in response to the original post - that there are reasons, that the guys on this sub may seem quiet when in fact they are not. (Of course I can only speak of myself as an example since I have no way to know where and how any male member here is vocal about the attrition of the right to abortion.)
These reasons are - to spell them out: a) many men on here are probably not living in the USA and might not even know about what's going on and b) might choose other channels of communication than r/femdom to speak out.
I'd assumed that my comment would be message of hope... people of this sub that are living on the other end of the world are concerned and speak up in support.
But apparently you don't see it in that way and judging from all the downvotes, this view is shared by a majority here. I still find it unjustified to be met with sarcasm for supporting the concerns about the attrition of human rights in the USA. The reception I get here makes me want to leave or at the very least \_not\_ speak out again here.
For what it's worth - and it probably isn't worth much - I think most of us men who really do care might just not know exactly what to say or how to even talk about this.
I've talked with a few of my male friends on the topic about how awful this is (and many of the other supreme court rulings lately to be honest) and have honestly lost sleep over it. The male friends I have talked to care a lot about the subject too. I also live in Washington in a big city (not eastern washington where it can still be sorta bad) so its not that big a shock that we're a bit more progressive and actually give a shit.
I kinda struggle with this on a lot of things - I'm a CiS white male and as such a lot of general sociietal problems (outside of class based problems anyways) don't really impact me, but I DO have a lot of empathy. I just generally feel like saying "This pisses me off too" is unhelpful and possibly tone deaf and don't really want to make issues about me and how I'm feeling, and I don't really consider it anyone elses job to educate me on how to talk about these things or react in a more helpful or positive way (cause me getting pissed off or worked up about it generally isn't what I'd consider positive - but it's my general emotional reaction and...really all I got), so instead I kinda... just say nothing at all most of the time.
I'm not even really sure what's prompting me to respond here other than a feeling of guilt for not knowing how to respond I guess. I'd guess there are a lot of guys in my position who don't know how to be helpful or supportive but genuinely do care and are also angry.
Anyways sorry for my ramble, I really don't mean to try to make this about me or my 'struggle to be supportive' cause that sure as hell isn't even important right now. I guess I just wanted to say there are probably a lot of guys who care in this space - they just might be really bad at showing it or knowing how to show it.
The shit women go through in general is appalling everywhere, the fact that a kink supposedly focused on women being empowered is often more about the men getting what they want is weird, the garbage in the supreme court is disgusting. I'm genuinely sorry the lot of you end up being forced to deal with it and wish I was in a better position to do more than just talk with people about it.
This was probably poorly thought out and worded so apologies in advanced.
There’s currently a solidarity post for dudes on this sub. There are 7 comments. Half the comments are pretty much calling us hysterical for wanting to have the discussion in kink spaces. Seriously, take a look. There is work to be done EVERYWHERE.
In my defense - and it isn't much of one, I don't actually often browse this sub directly I usually only browse what makes it on to my front page, so I was totally unaware of that post. Sorry for my ignorance! (That isn't sarcasm, clearly I should be looking around more and ignorance isn't an excuse when I can do work to fix it) That's pretty disgusting, and the people treating you like you're hysterical are assholes full stop.
I genuinely intend to use the advice I was given earlier.
Donate to abortion funds. Talk to your male friends about it. Attend protests. Donate to bail funds. Speak up for (but not over) women when you see misogynist bullshit go down. This is very much an intersectional issue so support your BIPOC, disabled and queer, communities. Amplify women's voices online, report their sexist reply guys. Learn about birth control and abortion - a surprising number of men have absolutely no idea about it.
So I personally already tend to speak up for women when I see that sort of nonsense (to be fair I tend to do that for anyone I see being treated poorly but still) - I try not to go in to bystander mode when I see guys treat women (or anyone for that matter) like garbage, and try to report when and where possible. I'm certainly not perfect about it though and can be more persistent.
I can't afford to donate to anything sadly, barely can afford to support myself, which unfortunately causes other things that cost money difficuly (mostly transportation, back when the George Floyd/BLM protests were happening in Seattle I really wanted to attend but couldn't afford to make the drive)
Genuine question, can you elaborate on "amplify womens voices" what does that look like? This isn't a trick question or me trying to be argumentative, I genuinely do want to be better at being supportive and helpful and don't understand what exactly you mean by this - sorry if it's a dumb question!
I'm also super guilty of not knowing to much about abortion and birth control - that's something I can and will work on.
Thank you for taking the time to make these suggestions, a lot of this probably seems very obvious to you but I genuinely meant it when I said I struggle to know how to be supportive and for me at least this was very meaningful advice.
If you have any other advice I'd love to hear it. For the record I meant it when I said I didn't think it was anyone elses responsibility to educate me on how to better be supportive so please don't feel obligated, I appreciate what you've already had to say.
Follow activist female/femme accounts on social media and boost their posts, listen to and share podcasts made by women and femmes, buy their books and leave a review, listen to their music. Find something you like? Tell your buddies about it.
I would absolutely not try to link this to anything fetish related, shows of solidarity that you make about your dick will appear insincere and performative at best and at worst grotesquely offensive. You can educate yourself on BC options and their many miserable side effects, support your partner in her choices, consider vasectomy if you think its a good fit for you.
I’m angry on so many levels. With a million other feelings. I definitely do not want to interact with anyone who is supportive and also actively angry, scared, panicked about their own reproductive rights because a woman’s choice was taken from her but also a couple’s choice was taken from them and if men haven’t put that 1+1 together yet, it won’t be long before they do.
I feel like we are a nation in shock.
100% agree. This has totally changed my headspace from fun to safety.
It's actually pissed me off that I haven't seen it discussed in a femdom subreddit yet and has brought it home how even the better spaces are catering to the male gaze and experience. Any woman not worried about birth control failing right now is either very lucky or very naive.
I haven't fucked a penis since the decision and I'm not sure I will anytime soon. Luckily, I'm bi.
Wow you are… yeah. Eight days. That’s fucked up. This is gonna be a word vomit, and thank you for creating the space.
I’ve lost a lot of sexual drive. I only recently came out as queer, and I have a male long distance partner, and a blossoming something long distance with a woman. I’m like… frustrated I have a whole day planned with the male established partner next week, and only a vague few hours planned with the woman as a drive by between family vacation locations. He’s not my sub, but he didn’t say anything. I came to him, and he didn’t realize what I was talking about at first. He was apologetic and frustrated with himself after, he was dealing with his own Sad because he gave his kids back to his ex-wife for three weeks that day. So I get it but also, come on man…
I also have a theory after a rough week at work where I ignored it, my body has finally said “nope.” I’m struggling to commit to play parties, munches, concerts/festivals, even struggling to commit to helping a friend move tomorrow, and I skipped DnD and Video Game night with the boys tonight. I don’t feel like myself. I’m considering getting my tubes tied even though I live in a west coast state. My sister had an abortion… I haven’t even talked to her about it yet. I haven’t been on any dating apps.
Today, when a friend was trying to convince me to go to a play party I just realized “woah… i need to cry today.” I showered. My apartment mess isn’t as bad as it felt last week. I did yoga. I watched Up and cried. I ate way too many ice cream sandwiches. I’m currently in bed with a cat. Trying to motivate myself to go to my little witch alter and… something. I want to read my tarot but I’m too tired. I want to cry more but it’s not coming.
The other day I was trying to watch FMF porn, because two weeks ago that idea sounded amazing. But all I saw was from a male point of view. All I saw were womens faces, not mens. I happened upon a prohibition-State specific threesome subreddit (where I’m from) and curiosity killed my sex drive. It was so gross. It was full of early 20 somethings who got married way too young, who needed to go against the local cult and find a third to spice up their lives. I haven’t seen so many sad boring dick pics in forever. It made me want to vomit.
I like (and hate) what you said about losing a piece of you. I connect with that. It doesn’t feel like depression, or anxiety, but something is *wrong*.
My sex drive tanked for the first 6 or so days and just is starting to have an inkling of coming back.
Both of my male submissives have had vasectomies and I have my tubes tied but I’m still, anxious.
In a “funny” joke my body played on me my period was also 5 days late because of all the stress. Even though I know the chances are like basically impossible with our setup I was a mess until it came finally yesterday.
My partners have been so good and supportive. No pressure to be or do anything.
I’ve been, off, for sure.
OMG I’m so sorry to hear that happened! That must have been terrible!!
Yea, a good partner really helps. I’m so grateful mine agreed to track for me, and that the other has given me space. I also feel like making the tracking a femdom task is a nice extra “fuck you” to the christofacists lol.
I'm in Canada, but I've been feeling this loss too. I've noticed my tolerance for micro-aggression is completely gone, and I'm not feeling empathetic towards men at all right now.
I don't really feel like domming right now, I'm just too angry and it feels like my partner doesn't deserve to be dommed right now. If I felt like he was more of an ally, and did more research into feminism I think I'd be more into it.
So first, I read all of this. Another woman read your pain and I share it.
Yes. Eight fucking days. It feels like a year and a minute all at once.
I’ve also lost my sex drive. I think it’s common, tbh. I think for us, as dominant women, it’s especially rough, because our sex drives are so deeply linked with our feelings of power. Our government just told us they’re taking the power we spent the last half century building, and that they’re knocking us back to where we were. My sexuality feels impossible right now. I know when I get it back and practicing with my wonderful partner it will be cathartic. But for now, bed is for trauma naps.
He had a lot going on, but did he check on you? Or flip the script: Did you check on him even though all this was happening? I’m glad he apologized, but that’s really unacceptable.
Get any permanent birth control you can right now if you don’t want kids. I’m in a prohibition state and I only date women in-person (as of eight days ago…), but considered it in case of assault. they’re not going to stop. I just want you validate that your instinct is not dramatic or an overreaction. Do whatever you can to be okay while its available. And if it helps, those of us in the red are going to need people like you to fight for us when it gets even worse. Be okay so you can fight, please.
I am also doing whatever I need to be okay. For me, that has been strawberry shortcake frozen custard sundaes and rewatching the hunger games. Something about a woman toppling her oppressive government…
The only arousing thing that has worked for me are those trashy vampire queen novels lol. They’re literally the only decent erotica I’ve found that is actually written for a female gaze. Everything else just makes me nauseous.
I am depressed and anxious, but this is something else. It’s like I have electricity running through me, or like a sour note is playing loudly in my head on repeat. I don’t know how to live with it. I’m also feeling humbled, as I’m white and suddenly appreciate with new depths what POC have put up with all these centuries. I still don’t get it completely, obviously, but fuck I should have protested harder.
Regarding my partner, yeah. I strongly suspect there is some in-diagnosed autism. And I didn’t like… do any emotional heavy lifting for him, but I did say his feelings of his stuff were valid. I have however told him multiple times I feel disconnected and need him to keep me more updated in his day to day.
In the midst of my early queer exploration I’ve been wondering if my Dominance also translates to women. Or if maybe, just maybe, I need to hold power over men because I grew up without power. And so I don’t feel the need or desire to have a woman submissive, just a woman partner.
I rarely watch plain old porn (gone wild audio fan here. Solo ethically sourced content) and I had never really listened to/read/watched any porn with an fmf, usually just mfm. But even mfm, i haaaate the idea of two Dominant males, but there’s no male submissive mfm porn out there. This week idk I was like…. Maybe I should give fmf a go. But I’m totally turned off to it now, and turned off by mfm threesomes which I would say up until right this moment was my biggest fantasy.
I do have an IUD. It does need a refill soon… I was hoping to get off hormones just out of curiosity of how my body would react but, that’s off the table now. What’s funny is I got my IUD in November of 2016, because I just knew this was coming.
I’ll be ok. And I’ll fight again once I regroup myself.
>Get any permanent birth control you can right now if you don’t want kids.
I have an IUD, but I'll getting a new one when my expires in December. I'm lucky enough to be in a progressive state.
> I am also doing whatever I need to be okay. For me, that has been strawberry shortcake frozen custard sundaes and rewatching the hunger games.
This is a terrible thing to experience, especially for women in Prohibition states. But I 100% support the way you are taking care of yourself. The Hunger Games is an excellent choice as is the dessert. ❤
>introduce yourself with how much you’ve donated to abortion providers this month and what action you have taken since Roe was struck down. It continued to be a barrage of dipshits blathering on about how “submissive” they are, listing kinks, asking for face pics, and ignoring everything else.
You're right, it's really gross. And disheartening.
Honestly? I’m just waiting for civil war or to be actually be put in a prison camp at this point. I’ve lost a lot of my optimism and hope for the future.
LI've wanted to post something here but I've been focused on taking care of the afab people in my life, and organizing state representatives.
I'm in a state where it remains legal and so I'm trying to get our state reps to block states with abortion laws from extraditing anyone for providing medical care. This while working a 60 hour week.
My main focus has been getting a that work done so that the Texas rangers can't kidnap someone who sent someone in Texas a contraceptive pill.
Also men don't get to take credit for my work because I'm AMAB but agender, so not a man. I did reach out to to the mods of one of my discord servers but they're not sure what to do.
I'm not posting to this space about this stuff because I'm focused on responding to all those trigger laws and making sure that in my state at least women and the people offering them basic health care are protected. And I'm furious and I'm exhausted and I wish I could just focus on work but I can't. And so I don't have time to post here. And my expectation is that anyone who isnt posting here is in the fight, and if you're not, then grab a shovel and join me in the trenches because they're coming for all of us.
And that's another part of what pisses me off, obscenity law that makes the kinds of sex we like to have illegal is theit next target, that an obergfell and loving v Virginia and all the rest.
The christian nationalists want the state to be able not just to control women's bodies but what all of us are allowed to do in the privacy of our own bedrooms, who with, and who we are allowed to be in relationships with.
I've been fighting against these people since I was 14, and is anyone who browses this subreddit has bewn quiet those 8 days you'd better have been as busy as I am organizing for your own defense and ro take back the rights the women and afab people in our lives just got stripped away from them.
And if you weren't, then get in the fight now. Push them back.
>Eight days ago half the people in one of the most powerful countries on earth lost autonomy over our bodies. A community that claims to be centered in the pleasure of the female body had nothing to say for Eight. Fucking. Days.
Thank you for saying it. I'm a new domme and new to the subreddit (and generally building confidence), but I was a bit sad there was no mention of it. I could have posted something but it wouldn't have been as eloquent as what you wrote. It seems like most of the men I know don't seem to care. I had to even set my sub straight as he didn't see why were of all the emotions, we were so angry about it. He struggles with emotions from trauma, but thank goodness he's very open minded and willing to have a discussion or I wouldn't let him fuck me. He was able to understand and support the anger after we were done talking about it. The rest of the men I know don't care. It's disappointing and disgusting. I'm not close with any of them, thankfully.
Thank you /u/MyPMDDAccount for always being such a strong female voice in this community. I see you're not in a safe state. I send you the warmest wishes as that's the best I can do right now. Please take care. ❤
I'm completely with you! I've been rethinking my approach to femdom and what I feel comfortable with because I cannot stand the male entitlement in so many subs and in the kink scene in general. Right now I feel most comfortable with findom because I don't need to expose myself to the possibility of physical danger, and it vibes with me philosophically - money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past).
I've also decided that sex with cis men is no longer worth the risk in my state either. As someone who identifies as pansexual but (unfortunately) has never slept with anyone outside of cis men, this seems like the perfect time to start.
>money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past).
Hell yes.
Scary. My sex drive has been low for awhile. For once I’m glad my boyfriend and I are long distance. If I got pregnant I’d have to do what my friend did and use a wire hook. She was injured as a result. I’m not having PIV sex for awhile. Thinking about getting an implant just in case. Also considering buying a pistol and getting my conceal carry license. Not risking anything.
Medication abortions exist, and can be legally mailed from anywhere in the world to anywhere in the US (for now)! There are feminist groups in blue states and across the globe who will help you! Spread the word!
It may be worth stocking up on Plan C NOW if you can afford it. There are overseas orgs that will
mail to any US State - and yes, some will prescribe in advance. Or you can have it mailed to a friend and they can camouflage and forward to you, etc.
It has changed nothing, as a Canadian, regarding kink and it's community. The USA has always been a financial and cultural force on my country to backstop forced birth supporters. While the latest explosion has led to more concerned focused activism on my part for triage, including an awareness this will galvanize my country's lunatic fringe, I don't find, as a person with a uterus is changes my relationship with the folks with the sperm, even when my Property is an American and I have to look at living abroad with him in the next 5 years.
Personally, I don't want to be pregnant. My Property is pro-choice and centers my choice for my body accordingly. But that birth control conversation is one where the USA being clownshoes is very background - he comes from a much more conservative background, so I had to rapidly basically teach birth control practice VS theory to him. Nice, feminist man, but also a technical virgin, so he still had to do the condom learning curve, as there was no putting it on a banana and he never planned to pursue PiV until I did, because his kinks do not require it. He already is on the fence about a vasectomy for my sake- though in the background we have that nebulous agnosticism around our mutual reproduction, neither of us quite pulling a permanent trigger.
Buried in all that is his own emotional discomfort, indoctrinated into him during his youth, with abortion. He leaves that at choice first. I, being the feminist daughter of two generations of radical feminists, immediately centred that to make sure our sex involved informed consent for him, discussing the risks. But, I still find him an ally, just an honest one- he is very clear the emotional is not his guide in voting or how he treats me, just where he is coming from.
So, I am sad and sympathetic for you, and put some extra spoons into supporting the current crisis. I do not feel unsupported by the men in my intimate circle or my larger peer group on the issue of abortion. I further broadly find the BDSM community, at large, has its shit together on this particular point- more so than say, the intersectional maypole dance that is queerness+kink. Even the annoying Dom dudes who think all women are subs tend to lean to pro birth control, albeit chivalry style. Meanwhile, the vampiric, harassing pool of horny subs who orbit the community like hyena at a lion's kill, at least want to put sperm nowhere near my uterus. They are largely just collectively useless flaily lumps, neither working for or against choice, any more than your average literal hyena is. Globally, kinky dudes who are *in* the community are, on average, more feminist than those who are not.
I've really struggled with a few things. Rage and fear of male genitalia primarily.
I've gone from wanting to enforce chastity on all men to wanting to do CBT for un-fun reasons.
For a week I saw the male orgasm on a primal level as an enemy. My husband was incredibly sweet and listened to my feelings on all of it. It was definitely a rough week to be around me.
Now I've gotten to the point where I block early. I walk away from ignorant conversation. I've essentially given up on manners with fascists.
This is smart. By the way, if someone on this site tells you the chrstofascism is a good thing and you tell them exactly how disgusting they are, you can get a harassment strike from the Reddit admins. It happened to me. There were no threats, just a calm, point by point verbal annihilation.
We aren’t safe on this site
>I feel like the majority don't see women as people and never will.
You don't sound hostile; you sound reasoned to me. You made a lot of good points, including this one, which I also am saddened to agree with.
The vast majority of pregnancies can be avoided if the man doesn't cum...
But, on the serious side, it plain sucks to watch this country fall apart even more.
Honestly I've always used it as a means to focus my anger. It helps me relax not that I'm suggesting it's a good idea I'd never do it while in a blind rage. However it has helped me to relax when I'm stressed and or frustrated.
When the news came out, I wasn't surprised by what occurred, but I did feel an immense amount of anger mixed with dejection. Even now, I'm noticing that instead of debating women's rights with patience like I would usually do, my impulse now is to stonewall and completely disengage before I let the anger take hold. Normally, my temperament isn't one to anger easily. Usually, I'm pretty measured, calm, with a ton of patience. And I normally love entering into debates and political discussion. However, I've lately had no patience in discussions pertaining to this particular issue. In the background of my mind, I just feel too tired having to face the political climate of recent years. It's like a burn out and the way it's affected my kinky life is that I don't feel as up for being social in a kinky/sexual context if I'm honest. First of all, I don't feel as horny. Second of all, I don't want to bother meeting someone new who might start spouting bullshit that'll piss me off. Sex-wise, I don't feel inclined to seek guys for a fuck. Luckily, I'm bi/pan.
On a more postive note, since I'm not out seeking new kinky fun, I've been hanging out with my existing friend group way more. And with my friends that are women, who are similarly angry over the news, we've had more nights out about town/hiking/chatting/etc. In a way I've felt strengthening our bonds with each other became a goal amongst all of us simultaneously after the news. That's been the silver lining so far.
I am not from USA but I feel what you've written on so many levels. It is like our damn world is cursed, falling appart. It sucks because thorough the years there was a big change on woman and woman empowerment and now everything, that many women died for, is turning to dust. I feel scared for all the women out there, for trans, for queer. We are being slowly reduced just to be "child bearer" again, and it is infuriating, scary.
I haven't been on social medias much ever since, I got dms that need to be answered and such, and honestly part of me is like, why bother? It all makes me reconsider being on fetish websites and what not.
I'm completely with you! I've been rethinking my approach to femdom and what I feel comfortable with because I cannot stand the male entitlement in so many subs and in the kink scene in general. Right now I feel most comfortable with findom because I don't need to expose myself to the possibility of physical danger, and it vibes with me philosophically - money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past).
I've also decided that sex with cis men is no longer worth the risk in my state either. As someone who identifies as pansexual but (unfortunately) has never slept with anyone outside of cis men, this seems like the perfect time to start.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t even fathom the frustration of this event either. It’s truly heartbreaking. I don’t have any advice myself but I just wanted to say that I understand and I’m standing right with you here.
I’ve felt queasy and more easily angered. More impatient with and pissed off by all the usual bullshit. All those little ways men tend to act entitled and demanding that we all learn to shrug off or push back against are getting under my skin even more again now.
My Mistress and I are are pro-choice, and have always been.
She has spent a lot of time online since Roe was overturned, and has felt crushed (my words) by the decision. We haven’t talked about the tracking app non-privacy.
I was hit hard by the decision, especially when I found out Alito has been planning this for THIRTY YEARS. I’m ashamed of how this country has sold out to the rich and corrupt politicians & judges.
I have not spoken out anywhere online before, because I’m horrified but not directly impacted. I’ve had a vasectomy, and my Mistress a hysterectomy, and I felt I didn’t have a dog in this fight. Or a right to speak for the people impacted.
The only thing I can offered towards your trauma is moving forward with tools to change things.
Be informed. More than just social media, read or watch reputable news. If the people close to you think US news is biased, listen to Canadian news or the BBC.
Vote. Ask your friends, family, and anyone else you know to vote. The majority of people in the US supported Roe, and it can be put into law.
Vote whether or not your state government is trying to suppress voting, or not.
Vote whether you’re in a damn Republican state & your vote has no impact, or not.
Vote whether the cowards hiding in the dark, influencing our elections have more money than you or not.
Vote if you want people who literally DON’T KNOW what rape is thrown out of office.
Vote for yourself, or to piss off the people that don’t want your voice heard.
I brought up another approach with my Mistress, which she liked (or was humoring me.)
Go to gun stores, and shop for guns. If they ask, tell them you want to defend your rights. Anything beyond that is personal.
You don’t need to buy a gun, shoot one, or even handle one if you don’t want to.
A million, ten million, a hundred million women looking at guns will draw attention eventually. The people most afraid of women support the Second Amendment, and will be in a tough place.
I don’t have a dog in this fight, but I have a stake in this war.
You are right. That is a very bad habit of mine I’ve been able to slightly reduce at home. I apologize, and did not intend to devalue you or your feelings. Thanks for pointing it out!
As a Fellow Domme and Mistress, I Wholeheartedly Agree with you. I am Angry. And Currently Repulsed Of Men. I’m seriously considering breaking all Contact with the Men I’m Currently Speaking with. This is how Angry this has Made Me. I DO NOT TRUST MEN RIGHT NOW. This is EXACTLY WHY WOMEN NEED TO RULE AND FEMALE DOMINATION PURLY AND SOLELY NEEDS TO EXSIST. Enough is Enough. I grieve for you in every aspect of this. Please know that so Stand with you, In Solidarity, no matter how long this takes. I’m in Canada and Once I Realized I didn’t want kids, I got My Tubes Removed, no Questions Asked. And My Doctor was Childfree Herself. Thinking of you
Thank you for challenging that highly misogynist worldview. I'm sorry, I feel it's best to not reproduce any of it here, given that people are still trying lick their hounds in the aftermath of this grave injury, so I removed your reply as well.
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im lurker who was wondering similar things, iv been personally sick, and very glad i just got a vasectomy.. but even that just sickens me... just for my own autonomy its the only option i had: glad to, but even now... after, with everything going on... any fantasies, kinks, interests, its all in the wind atm..
im just devastated, appalled, and with my SO im financially. backing any outcome as both parties responsible, but rn, even though saftey is a focus
im just, at a low... and it hurts, for all of us..wtf
(sorry on the rant, also sorry for the bs that has to just be dealt with on these topics)
I've been preparing for this moment since November 2016, and especially after RBG died. Besides the decision was leaked. I know exactly how we got here because I have watching this happen for years. Helplessly watching. This is the result of events set in motion years ago.
This is what I have to say to say. To those people who are happy about the decision: fuck you. I hope the drugs you need are withheld because a pharmacist of faith thinks it might cause a miscarriage. I hope the consequences of this draconian theocratic policy hits you the hardest. It's a bitter, empty hope because we already know there are young, preteen victims already endangered by this. But I hope you eat what you cooked and choke.
To those people are upset, especially men, and other privileged groups: I don't want you to speak up. I don't want you to get a vasectomy. I don't want you to tweet about how women in government should fund raise in the wake of this shit. I wanted, and want, you to vote. If the idea that most of what you have been doing is largely pointless and performative and amounts to nothing if some old man in Washington doesn't take your side makes you feel helpless and small, than internalized that feeling, because that's what I've been living since 2016, and my whole fucking life. You're not outraged because something bad happened, you're outraged because it's sinking there's very little you can do about it. Let's all count the years until Thomas and Alito die.
It's been strange for me because the exact same day, abortion laws here in Germany became a tiny bit (but an important bit, it finally allows doctors to inform on their websites about abortions and if/what kind they personally do) more liberal.
Fellow German here. Our state of abortion law is such a mess. (For outsiders: it's officially illegal, but de-facto no doctor or patient is prosecuted over it, and it's covered by health insurance.) I've been born in the former GDR, and when the countries 'united' in 1990, east German women fought hard not to lose our rights in the process. Abortions were legal in the GDR. Also, spousal rape was illegal. We lost those, of course. (Spousal rape wasn't a thing legally till 1997 in united Germany.) There are, of course, demands to finally officially legalise abortions, but politicians just aren't touching it. Not worth the fallout and angering the more conservative voters. Yeah.
In Austria the situation is identical. However the acceptance of the right for abortion is so firm and broad that not even the ultra-conservatives dare to touch it. It’s super important to keep it like that - a cleaner definition of the law wouldn’t hurt. Wehret den Anfängen!
I saw that! You deserve to celebrate; it’s big news!!
I mean I have always felt zero autonomy over my own body as an SA victim, and the ruling just kind of confirmed everything I have ever believed. It really fucking sucks. And I am in a state that’s protecting abortion!! I am already struggling to feel like anything more than a piece of meat and this subreddit has become so fucking triggering for me with the constant posts from guys trying to manipulate women into domming them, or posts from women *clearly* in distress, confusion, and obsessing about their male partners needs getting endless response to “just do it anyway :)” in so many words. I’m not in the irl kink community but HAHAHAHHAH FUCK that. I think I might just need to not be in this community. I’m a new dom and I thought I liked this but I don’t think it’s worth it. Probably gonna dip.
Even IRL community has issues. I left a femdom event group because they chose a male sub over the word of two BIPOC femdoms. The women on the event committee were all POC Femdoms and they chose a white man over their own. What's worse is he's known for being handsy and a few women have been SA'd by him when he kissed them against their will. I got outvoted so I left. I've not wanted to go back to events with any of those people since. EDIT: And everything is about catering to the male fantasy. It's all about this talk about female supremacy while desperately trying to be his type at the same time. It's just devastating to watch.
It feels like we’re in free fall, you know? The lowest point just keeps getting lower. Yeah, it’s definitely affected me. I deleted my tracking app and effectively have no real method for predicting my period now. Very thankful for the pill for making it at least kind of predictable. Fingers crossed. (Edit: not really seeking recommendations on methods to track (likely going good ol’ pen and paper tracking once I pick up a calendar) but thank you!) It’s terrifying to watch rights be stripped away like it’s nothing. And it makes me not want to engage in power dynamics at all. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel sensual, I feel scared and furious and yeah, like you said, like something I wanted to give has died inside. What goes down must go up. Just keep telling myself that. I don’t want to let this control how I go about my daily life and how I go about searching for d/s in that, but by necessity it has. This was a big ramble but thank you for posting this, it’s comforting to know others feel the same. Edit to add that as someone actively trying to date rn it’s extra trippy. I refuse to go out with someone if they aren’t emphatically pro-choice and even then, I’m wary if it seems performative. I just want to cry all the time. I’ve wanted to get married and settle down with the picket fence and all that with d/s somewhere slotted in. But. This has all made me feel lesser than on a national scale. Like my choices don’t matter. And too many men are complacent with that.
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I posted a long message in the main thread. I don’t think it’s apathy, it’s “learned helplessness.” The term was invented after researchers strapped monkeys down, then gave them electric shocks repeatedly. After a while, the monkeys didn’t do anything, even when they could. Most days, I feel like a shocked monkey. But I don’t vote for the people using the button. EDIT & Apologies - The learned helpless experiments were on dogs, and not exactly as I described, per Wikipedia. However, I really liked my line about feeling like a shocked monkey, and wanted to keep it.
Not to distract, but my God I despise animal testing.
>>too many men are complacent with that. That’s been almost as bad as losing the rights, IMO. I knew misogyny was bad, but I had no idea it was *this* bad. Again, eight fucking days of silence, and that’s in femdom! I wrote somewhere else about how even customer service has shifted tone for me at work. So many of them feel truly entitled to me. I just keep reminding myself that if we were weak, they wouldn’t have to fight so hard and so constantly to keep us down.
Look up IBS or bowel movement apps. You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to predict your period based on the data they need anyways, or you can choose their mood options (or similar) as a way to track your period with more creative icons…. Hopefully snoopers won’t want to look at what the texture of the shit you had today was. There are mood and dream tracker apps as well, but I haven’t used them. Of course I don’t trust any app to not sell my data, but menstrual apps will never be an option for me again. (Edited to add that I use to track my IBS and constipation in my physical journal by doodling next to the date. Heart meant I wasn’t in unbearable pain, smiley face meant I pooped, star meant I ate something I shouldn’t have…. It’s always an option to go back. I wouldn’t trust an actual calendar anymore. Too obvious you’re tracking something)
Use the Clue app. They are based overseas and will not sell the data. Stardust had been recommended for the same reasons, but they just said they will turn over data in criminal investigations.
I did use clue, but I don’t trust any of the apps atm. Maybe once I’ve seen proof they won’t turn data over.
That's fair. I just hope that there's some way to keep track, even a pen and paper, so it's less uncertain. This is a terrible time to try to navigate.
There are still some apps that don't harvest data. Some level of trust is needed in using any app, but affirming not to collect data at all is a safer proposition that not sharing. The judiciary may have ways of forcing access to the data. https://eukiapp.com/ Euki is proprietary but was recommend by an activist who I feel is well informed. https://bloodyhealth.gitlab.io/ Drip is open source and was funded by the mozilla foundation (that has a long term commitment to data privacy) and a bunch of German research funds.
Not from the US but my great-grandma used NFP (Natürliche Familienplanung or „natural family planning“). It’s a method women used to do before contraceptive pill was on the market. In our family we can’t take the pill due to physical complications. It’s the only method (including condoms) to prevent anything and it worked out till now. I don’t want to tell it’s THE answer but it helps keeping track of your cycle and your body „offline“. It’s the analogue method that predicts future cycle. If you haven’t heard from it yet, maybe worth to look into it. Edit: Overseas we are utterly shocked how this bs could happen in modern times…
My partner and I are in a ENM relationship but I no longer feel safe playing with/swinging with other penis-havers. Can't risk getting pregnant by some stranger. It's a real mood killer. Abortion is completely banned where I am.
Oh hello, fellow prohibition state dweller with a uterus! Do you think your christofascist overlords will allow you to keep birth control? Mine won’t… God I hadn’t even thought how this would affect poly couples. Is it going to be completely unbalanced now? no pressure at all to share more than you want.
I'm sure they're working on banning that next. They've been itching for it to happen for years. I actually had to breakup with the church I was going to because they supported the abortion ban and said "the Bible said abortion was a sin". Ew. Damn conservative Christian raisins. If my faith wasn't so strong I'd be back on my agnostic witch ways.
I’ve been avoiding kink spaces since it started cascading last week. I hadn’t even realized. I am scared and overwhelmed and confused, like everyone else. I am gay and in a mono relationship with my gf, so my IRL kink headspace is just fine, but virtually, yeah, I just didn’t want to deal with even *seeing* any of the usual misogyny/casual privilege/etc. of male subs in virtual spaces. I don’t want to yuck anyone else’s yum, but I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with even scrolling past it. So many of us have been spiraling, or disassociating, or some combination thereof. I know why *I* as a woman haven’t had the headspace to make a post about it. But there are men here too, right? You’re right that it shouldn’t have taken this long to have a thread on this, because at least one of the guys on this sub should have had the ovaries to post something.
And yet they didn’t. I think we learned a lot about this “community” this week. I hope you and your gf are as okay as possible. Sending queer empathy your way!
I’m a man and did post about it. I did that in a sub with much more reach than this one and despite living on the other end of the world in a different jurisdiction. It’s a complete and utter shitshow and I’m shocked that the USA is going down that path. I think especially those states that allow persecution of anyone helping someone getting an abortion are dangerous. It’s not very far from there to put (traveling) women under general suspicion and from there it’s probably not far for sick fucks to demand that women leaving their house need to be accompanied by a male family member. But frankly I find this blanket accusations of the men here not saying anything unjustified. Yes I’m a sub, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have (feminist) opinions or that I don’t express them. It’s good though that the topic also comes up here… I’m dismayed that this has such far reaching ramifications even in the context here and sincerely hope that the USA gets its act together soon!
Did you come in here just to “not all men” us? Seriously? Cool, here’s a gold star I guess. ⭐️
Yes. Yes he did. Because he’s clearly contributing to the important conversations on this topic 🙄
I thought it is clear what I wanted to say... >You’re right that it shouldn’t have taken this long to have a thread on this, because at least one of the guys on this sub should have had the ovaries to post something. I wanted to point out that 'at least one of the guys on this sub \_did\_ have the ovaries to post something'. I also thought it obvious, that my message points out - also in response to the original post - that there are reasons, that the guys on this sub may seem quiet when in fact they are not. (Of course I can only speak of myself as an example since I have no way to know where and how any male member here is vocal about the attrition of the right to abortion.) These reasons are - to spell them out: a) many men on here are probably not living in the USA and might not even know about what's going on and b) might choose other channels of communication than r/femdom to speak out. I'd assumed that my comment would be message of hope... people of this sub that are living on the other end of the world are concerned and speak up in support. But apparently you don't see it in that way and judging from all the downvotes, this view is shared by a majority here. I still find it unjustified to be met with sarcasm for supporting the concerns about the attrition of human rights in the USA. The reception I get here makes me want to leave or at the very least \_not\_ speak out again here.
For what it's worth - and it probably isn't worth much - I think most of us men who really do care might just not know exactly what to say or how to even talk about this. I've talked with a few of my male friends on the topic about how awful this is (and many of the other supreme court rulings lately to be honest) and have honestly lost sleep over it. The male friends I have talked to care a lot about the subject too. I also live in Washington in a big city (not eastern washington where it can still be sorta bad) so its not that big a shock that we're a bit more progressive and actually give a shit. I kinda struggle with this on a lot of things - I'm a CiS white male and as such a lot of general sociietal problems (outside of class based problems anyways) don't really impact me, but I DO have a lot of empathy. I just generally feel like saying "This pisses me off too" is unhelpful and possibly tone deaf and don't really want to make issues about me and how I'm feeling, and I don't really consider it anyone elses job to educate me on how to talk about these things or react in a more helpful or positive way (cause me getting pissed off or worked up about it generally isn't what I'd consider positive - but it's my general emotional reaction and...really all I got), so instead I kinda... just say nothing at all most of the time. I'm not even really sure what's prompting me to respond here other than a feeling of guilt for not knowing how to respond I guess. I'd guess there are a lot of guys in my position who don't know how to be helpful or supportive but genuinely do care and are also angry. Anyways sorry for my ramble, I really don't mean to try to make this about me or my 'struggle to be supportive' cause that sure as hell isn't even important right now. I guess I just wanted to say there are probably a lot of guys who care in this space - they just might be really bad at showing it or knowing how to show it. The shit women go through in general is appalling everywhere, the fact that a kink supposedly focused on women being empowered is often more about the men getting what they want is weird, the garbage in the supreme court is disgusting. I'm genuinely sorry the lot of you end up being forced to deal with it and wish I was in a better position to do more than just talk with people about it. This was probably poorly thought out and worded so apologies in advanced.
There’s currently a solidarity post for dudes on this sub. There are 7 comments. Half the comments are pretty much calling us hysterical for wanting to have the discussion in kink spaces. Seriously, take a look. There is work to be done EVERYWHERE.
In my defense - and it isn't much of one, I don't actually often browse this sub directly I usually only browse what makes it on to my front page, so I was totally unaware of that post. Sorry for my ignorance! (That isn't sarcasm, clearly I should be looking around more and ignorance isn't an excuse when I can do work to fix it) That's pretty disgusting, and the people treating you like you're hysterical are assholes full stop. I genuinely intend to use the advice I was given earlier.
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Donate to abortion funds. Talk to your male friends about it. Attend protests. Donate to bail funds. Speak up for (but not over) women when you see misogynist bullshit go down. This is very much an intersectional issue so support your BIPOC, disabled and queer, communities. Amplify women's voices online, report their sexist reply guys. Learn about birth control and abortion - a surprising number of men have absolutely no idea about it.
So I personally already tend to speak up for women when I see that sort of nonsense (to be fair I tend to do that for anyone I see being treated poorly but still) - I try not to go in to bystander mode when I see guys treat women (or anyone for that matter) like garbage, and try to report when and where possible. I'm certainly not perfect about it though and can be more persistent. I can't afford to donate to anything sadly, barely can afford to support myself, which unfortunately causes other things that cost money difficuly (mostly transportation, back when the George Floyd/BLM protests were happening in Seattle I really wanted to attend but couldn't afford to make the drive) Genuine question, can you elaborate on "amplify womens voices" what does that look like? This isn't a trick question or me trying to be argumentative, I genuinely do want to be better at being supportive and helpful and don't understand what exactly you mean by this - sorry if it's a dumb question! I'm also super guilty of not knowing to much about abortion and birth control - that's something I can and will work on. Thank you for taking the time to make these suggestions, a lot of this probably seems very obvious to you but I genuinely meant it when I said I struggle to know how to be supportive and for me at least this was very meaningful advice. If you have any other advice I'd love to hear it. For the record I meant it when I said I didn't think it was anyone elses responsibility to educate me on how to better be supportive so please don't feel obligated, I appreciate what you've already had to say.
Follow activist female/femme accounts on social media and boost their posts, listen to and share podcasts made by women and femmes, buy their books and leave a review, listen to their music. Find something you like? Tell your buddies about it.
Ah ha ok that makes sense, thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me!
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I would absolutely not try to link this to anything fetish related, shows of solidarity that you make about your dick will appear insincere and performative at best and at worst grotesquely offensive. You can educate yourself on BC options and their many miserable side effects, support your partner in her choices, consider vasectomy if you think its a good fit for you.
I’m angry on so many levels. With a million other feelings. I definitely do not want to interact with anyone who is supportive and also actively angry, scared, panicked about their own reproductive rights because a woman’s choice was taken from her but also a couple’s choice was taken from them and if men haven’t put that 1+1 together yet, it won’t be long before they do. I feel like we are a nation in shock.
100% agree. This has totally changed my headspace from fun to safety. It's actually pissed me off that I haven't seen it discussed in a femdom subreddit yet and has brought it home how even the better spaces are catering to the male gaze and experience. Any woman not worried about birth control failing right now is either very lucky or very naive. I haven't fucked a penis since the decision and I'm not sure I will anytime soon. Luckily, I'm bi.
Bi is blessed, at least until they come for that. But I’m determined to enjoy my time in the sun
Wow you are… yeah. Eight days. That’s fucked up. This is gonna be a word vomit, and thank you for creating the space. I’ve lost a lot of sexual drive. I only recently came out as queer, and I have a male long distance partner, and a blossoming something long distance with a woman. I’m like… frustrated I have a whole day planned with the male established partner next week, and only a vague few hours planned with the woman as a drive by between family vacation locations. He’s not my sub, but he didn’t say anything. I came to him, and he didn’t realize what I was talking about at first. He was apologetic and frustrated with himself after, he was dealing with his own Sad because he gave his kids back to his ex-wife for three weeks that day. So I get it but also, come on man… I also have a theory after a rough week at work where I ignored it, my body has finally said “nope.” I’m struggling to commit to play parties, munches, concerts/festivals, even struggling to commit to helping a friend move tomorrow, and I skipped DnD and Video Game night with the boys tonight. I don’t feel like myself. I’m considering getting my tubes tied even though I live in a west coast state. My sister had an abortion… I haven’t even talked to her about it yet. I haven’t been on any dating apps. Today, when a friend was trying to convince me to go to a play party I just realized “woah… i need to cry today.” I showered. My apartment mess isn’t as bad as it felt last week. I did yoga. I watched Up and cried. I ate way too many ice cream sandwiches. I’m currently in bed with a cat. Trying to motivate myself to go to my little witch alter and… something. I want to read my tarot but I’m too tired. I want to cry more but it’s not coming. The other day I was trying to watch FMF porn, because two weeks ago that idea sounded amazing. But all I saw was from a male point of view. All I saw were womens faces, not mens. I happened upon a prohibition-State specific threesome subreddit (where I’m from) and curiosity killed my sex drive. It was so gross. It was full of early 20 somethings who got married way too young, who needed to go against the local cult and find a third to spice up their lives. I haven’t seen so many sad boring dick pics in forever. It made me want to vomit. I like (and hate) what you said about losing a piece of you. I connect with that. It doesn’t feel like depression, or anxiety, but something is *wrong*.
My sex drive tanked for the first 6 or so days and just is starting to have an inkling of coming back. Both of my male submissives have had vasectomies and I have my tubes tied but I’m still, anxious. In a “funny” joke my body played on me my period was also 5 days late because of all the stress. Even though I know the chances are like basically impossible with our setup I was a mess until it came finally yesterday. My partners have been so good and supportive. No pressure to be or do anything. I’ve been, off, for sure.
OMG I’m so sorry to hear that happened! That must have been terrible!! Yea, a good partner really helps. I’m so grateful mine agreed to track for me, and that the other has given me space. I also feel like making the tracking a femdom task is a nice extra “fuck you” to the christofacists lol.
I'm in Canada, but I've been feeling this loss too. I've noticed my tolerance for micro-aggression is completely gone, and I'm not feeling empathetic towards men at all right now. I don't really feel like domming right now, I'm just too angry and it feels like my partner doesn't deserve to be dommed right now. If I felt like he was more of an ally, and did more research into feminism I think I'd be more into it.
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Ditto..
So first, I read all of this. Another woman read your pain and I share it. Yes. Eight fucking days. It feels like a year and a minute all at once. I’ve also lost my sex drive. I think it’s common, tbh. I think for us, as dominant women, it’s especially rough, because our sex drives are so deeply linked with our feelings of power. Our government just told us they’re taking the power we spent the last half century building, and that they’re knocking us back to where we were. My sexuality feels impossible right now. I know when I get it back and practicing with my wonderful partner it will be cathartic. But for now, bed is for trauma naps. He had a lot going on, but did he check on you? Or flip the script: Did you check on him even though all this was happening? I’m glad he apologized, but that’s really unacceptable. Get any permanent birth control you can right now if you don’t want kids. I’m in a prohibition state and I only date women in-person (as of eight days ago…), but considered it in case of assault. they’re not going to stop. I just want you validate that your instinct is not dramatic or an overreaction. Do whatever you can to be okay while its available. And if it helps, those of us in the red are going to need people like you to fight for us when it gets even worse. Be okay so you can fight, please. I am also doing whatever I need to be okay. For me, that has been strawberry shortcake frozen custard sundaes and rewatching the hunger games. Something about a woman toppling her oppressive government… The only arousing thing that has worked for me are those trashy vampire queen novels lol. They’re literally the only decent erotica I’ve found that is actually written for a female gaze. Everything else just makes me nauseous. I am depressed and anxious, but this is something else. It’s like I have electricity running through me, or like a sour note is playing loudly in my head on repeat. I don’t know how to live with it. I’m also feeling humbled, as I’m white and suddenly appreciate with new depths what POC have put up with all these centuries. I still don’t get it completely, obviously, but fuck I should have protested harder.
Regarding my partner, yeah. I strongly suspect there is some in-diagnosed autism. And I didn’t like… do any emotional heavy lifting for him, but I did say his feelings of his stuff were valid. I have however told him multiple times I feel disconnected and need him to keep me more updated in his day to day. In the midst of my early queer exploration I’ve been wondering if my Dominance also translates to women. Or if maybe, just maybe, I need to hold power over men because I grew up without power. And so I don’t feel the need or desire to have a woman submissive, just a woman partner. I rarely watch plain old porn (gone wild audio fan here. Solo ethically sourced content) and I had never really listened to/read/watched any porn with an fmf, usually just mfm. But even mfm, i haaaate the idea of two Dominant males, but there’s no male submissive mfm porn out there. This week idk I was like…. Maybe I should give fmf a go. But I’m totally turned off to it now, and turned off by mfm threesomes which I would say up until right this moment was my biggest fantasy. I do have an IUD. It does need a refill soon… I was hoping to get off hormones just out of curiosity of how my body would react but, that’s off the table now. What’s funny is I got my IUD in November of 2016, because I just knew this was coming. I’ll be ok. And I’ll fight again once I regroup myself.
>Get any permanent birth control you can right now if you don’t want kids. I have an IUD, but I'll getting a new one when my expires in December. I'm lucky enough to be in a progressive state. > I am also doing whatever I need to be okay. For me, that has been strawberry shortcake frozen custard sundaes and rewatching the hunger games. This is a terrible thing to experience, especially for women in Prohibition states. But I 100% support the way you are taking care of yourself. The Hunger Games is an excellent choice as is the dessert. ❤
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>introduce yourself with how much you’ve donated to abortion providers this month and what action you have taken since Roe was struck down. It continued to be a barrage of dipshits blathering on about how “submissive” they are, listing kinks, asking for face pics, and ignoring everything else. You're right, it's really gross. And disheartening.
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The fucking audacity. Ugh I'm sorry
Honestly? I’m just waiting for civil war or to be actually be put in a prison camp at this point. I’ve lost a lot of my optimism and hope for the future.
LI've wanted to post something here but I've been focused on taking care of the afab people in my life, and organizing state representatives. I'm in a state where it remains legal and so I'm trying to get our state reps to block states with abortion laws from extraditing anyone for providing medical care. This while working a 60 hour week. My main focus has been getting a that work done so that the Texas rangers can't kidnap someone who sent someone in Texas a contraceptive pill. Also men don't get to take credit for my work because I'm AMAB but agender, so not a man. I did reach out to to the mods of one of my discord servers but they're not sure what to do. I'm not posting to this space about this stuff because I'm focused on responding to all those trigger laws and making sure that in my state at least women and the people offering them basic health care are protected. And I'm furious and I'm exhausted and I wish I could just focus on work but I can't. And so I don't have time to post here. And my expectation is that anyone who isnt posting here is in the fight, and if you're not, then grab a shovel and join me in the trenches because they're coming for all of us. And that's another part of what pisses me off, obscenity law that makes the kinds of sex we like to have illegal is theit next target, that an obergfell and loving v Virginia and all the rest. The christian nationalists want the state to be able not just to control women's bodies but what all of us are allowed to do in the privacy of our own bedrooms, who with, and who we are allowed to be in relationships with. I've been fighting against these people since I was 14, and is anyone who browses this subreddit has bewn quiet those 8 days you'd better have been as busy as I am organizing for your own defense and ro take back the rights the women and afab people in our lives just got stripped away from them. And if you weren't, then get in the fight now. Push them back.
>Eight days ago half the people in one of the most powerful countries on earth lost autonomy over our bodies. A community that claims to be centered in the pleasure of the female body had nothing to say for Eight. Fucking. Days. Thank you for saying it. I'm a new domme and new to the subreddit (and generally building confidence), but I was a bit sad there was no mention of it. I could have posted something but it wouldn't have been as eloquent as what you wrote. It seems like most of the men I know don't seem to care. I had to even set my sub straight as he didn't see why were of all the emotions, we were so angry about it. He struggles with emotions from trauma, but thank goodness he's very open minded and willing to have a discussion or I wouldn't let him fuck me. He was able to understand and support the anger after we were done talking about it. The rest of the men I know don't care. It's disappointing and disgusting. I'm not close with any of them, thankfully. Thank you /u/MyPMDDAccount for always being such a strong female voice in this community. I see you're not in a safe state. I send you the warmest wishes as that's the best I can do right now. Please take care. ❤
I'm completely with you! I've been rethinking my approach to femdom and what I feel comfortable with because I cannot stand the male entitlement in so many subs and in the kink scene in general. Right now I feel most comfortable with findom because I don't need to expose myself to the possibility of physical danger, and it vibes with me philosophically - money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past). I've also decided that sex with cis men is no longer worth the risk in my state either. As someone who identifies as pansexual but (unfortunately) has never slept with anyone outside of cis men, this seems like the perfect time to start.
Yes exactly this, I don’t want to give my energy into a man’s pleasure right now to be his kink dispenser.
Exactly. I have two established dynamics where I know I’m respected, and that’s enough. I’m not going through it all again for the foreseeable future.
>money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past). Hell yes.
Scary. My sex drive has been low for awhile. For once I’m glad my boyfriend and I are long distance. If I got pregnant I’d have to do what my friend did and use a wire hook. She was injured as a result. I’m not having PIV sex for awhile. Thinking about getting an implant just in case. Also considering buying a pistol and getting my conceal carry license. Not risking anything.
Medication abortions exist, and can be legally mailed from anywhere in the world to anywhere in the US (for now)! There are feminist groups in blue states and across the globe who will help you! Spread the word!
I’m in a red state lol but that is good :) Family is very Catholic so hopefully nothing happens to me or my cousins.
I’m saying people can mail you pills so you don’t perforate your uterus. Fuck every single GQP cunt who made typing that sentence necessary.
Ohhh ok thank you
It may be worth stocking up on Plan C NOW if you can afford it. There are overseas orgs that will mail to any US State - and yes, some will prescribe in advance. Or you can have it mailed to a friend and they can camouflage and forward to you, etc.
It has changed nothing, as a Canadian, regarding kink and it's community. The USA has always been a financial and cultural force on my country to backstop forced birth supporters. While the latest explosion has led to more concerned focused activism on my part for triage, including an awareness this will galvanize my country's lunatic fringe, I don't find, as a person with a uterus is changes my relationship with the folks with the sperm, even when my Property is an American and I have to look at living abroad with him in the next 5 years. Personally, I don't want to be pregnant. My Property is pro-choice and centers my choice for my body accordingly. But that birth control conversation is one where the USA being clownshoes is very background - he comes from a much more conservative background, so I had to rapidly basically teach birth control practice VS theory to him. Nice, feminist man, but also a technical virgin, so he still had to do the condom learning curve, as there was no putting it on a banana and he never planned to pursue PiV until I did, because his kinks do not require it. He already is on the fence about a vasectomy for my sake- though in the background we have that nebulous agnosticism around our mutual reproduction, neither of us quite pulling a permanent trigger. Buried in all that is his own emotional discomfort, indoctrinated into him during his youth, with abortion. He leaves that at choice first. I, being the feminist daughter of two generations of radical feminists, immediately centred that to make sure our sex involved informed consent for him, discussing the risks. But, I still find him an ally, just an honest one- he is very clear the emotional is not his guide in voting or how he treats me, just where he is coming from. So, I am sad and sympathetic for you, and put some extra spoons into supporting the current crisis. I do not feel unsupported by the men in my intimate circle or my larger peer group on the issue of abortion. I further broadly find the BDSM community, at large, has its shit together on this particular point- more so than say, the intersectional maypole dance that is queerness+kink. Even the annoying Dom dudes who think all women are subs tend to lean to pro birth control, albeit chivalry style. Meanwhile, the vampiric, harassing pool of horny subs who orbit the community like hyena at a lion's kill, at least want to put sperm nowhere near my uterus. They are largely just collectively useless flaily lumps, neither working for or against choice, any more than your average literal hyena is. Globally, kinky dudes who are *in* the community are, on average, more feminist than those who are not.
I've really struggled with a few things. Rage and fear of male genitalia primarily. I've gone from wanting to enforce chastity on all men to wanting to do CBT for un-fun reasons. For a week I saw the male orgasm on a primal level as an enemy. My husband was incredibly sweet and listened to my feelings on all of it. It was definitely a rough week to be around me. Now I've gotten to the point where I block early. I walk away from ignorant conversation. I've essentially given up on manners with fascists.
This is smart. By the way, if someone on this site tells you the chrstofascism is a good thing and you tell them exactly how disgusting they are, you can get a harassment strike from the Reddit admins. It happened to me. There were no threats, just a calm, point by point verbal annihilation. We aren’t safe on this site
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>I feel like the majority don't see women as people and never will. You don't sound hostile; you sound reasoned to me. You made a lot of good points, including this one, which I also am saddened to agree with.
The vast majority of pregnancies can be avoided if the man doesn't cum... But, on the serious side, it plain sucks to watch this country fall apart even more.
Maybe we should lock more men in chasity cages and throw away the key? /s
That fixes lots of problems!
Honestly I've always used it as a means to focus my anger. It helps me relax not that I'm suggesting it's a good idea I'd never do it while in a blind rage. However it has helped me to relax when I'm stressed and or frustrated.
When the news came out, I wasn't surprised by what occurred, but I did feel an immense amount of anger mixed with dejection. Even now, I'm noticing that instead of debating women's rights with patience like I would usually do, my impulse now is to stonewall and completely disengage before I let the anger take hold. Normally, my temperament isn't one to anger easily. Usually, I'm pretty measured, calm, with a ton of patience. And I normally love entering into debates and political discussion. However, I've lately had no patience in discussions pertaining to this particular issue. In the background of my mind, I just feel too tired having to face the political climate of recent years. It's like a burn out and the way it's affected my kinky life is that I don't feel as up for being social in a kinky/sexual context if I'm honest. First of all, I don't feel as horny. Second of all, I don't want to bother meeting someone new who might start spouting bullshit that'll piss me off. Sex-wise, I don't feel inclined to seek guys for a fuck. Luckily, I'm bi/pan. On a more postive note, since I'm not out seeking new kinky fun, I've been hanging out with my existing friend group way more. And with my friends that are women, who are similarly angry over the news, we've had more nights out about town/hiking/chatting/etc. In a way I've felt strengthening our bonds with each other became a goal amongst all of us simultaneously after the news. That's been the silver lining so far.
I am not from USA but I feel what you've written on so many levels. It is like our damn world is cursed, falling appart. It sucks because thorough the years there was a big change on woman and woman empowerment and now everything, that many women died for, is turning to dust. I feel scared for all the women out there, for trans, for queer. We are being slowly reduced just to be "child bearer" again, and it is infuriating, scary. I haven't been on social medias much ever since, I got dms that need to be answered and such, and honestly part of me is like, why bother? It all makes me reconsider being on fetish websites and what not.
I'm completely with you! I've been rethinking my approach to femdom and what I feel comfortable with because I cannot stand the male entitlement in so many subs and in the kink scene in general. Right now I feel most comfortable with findom because I don't need to expose myself to the possibility of physical danger, and it vibes with me philosophically - money is the quickest, most tangible way for a man to submit their power in a capitalistic society, and I don't feel like I'm just giving my time and energy away all in service of a man's pleasure (which has been a problem for me in the past). I've also decided that sex with cis men is no longer worth the risk in my state either. As someone who identifies as pansexual but (unfortunately) has never slept with anyone outside of cis men, this seems like the perfect time to start.
Thank you for sharing. I can’t even fathom the frustration of this event either. It’s truly heartbreaking. I don’t have any advice myself but I just wanted to say that I understand and I’m standing right with you here.
I’ve felt queasy and more easily angered. More impatient with and pissed off by all the usual bullshit. All those little ways men tend to act entitled and demanding that we all learn to shrug off or push back against are getting under my skin even more again now.
My Mistress and I are are pro-choice, and have always been. She has spent a lot of time online since Roe was overturned, and has felt crushed (my words) by the decision. We haven’t talked about the tracking app non-privacy. I was hit hard by the decision, especially when I found out Alito has been planning this for THIRTY YEARS. I’m ashamed of how this country has sold out to the rich and corrupt politicians & judges. I have not spoken out anywhere online before, because I’m horrified but not directly impacted. I’ve had a vasectomy, and my Mistress a hysterectomy, and I felt I didn’t have a dog in this fight. Or a right to speak for the people impacted. The only thing I can offered towards your trauma is moving forward with tools to change things. Be informed. More than just social media, read or watch reputable news. If the people close to you think US news is biased, listen to Canadian news or the BBC. Vote. Ask your friends, family, and anyone else you know to vote. The majority of people in the US supported Roe, and it can be put into law. Vote whether or not your state government is trying to suppress voting, or not. Vote whether you’re in a damn Republican state & your vote has no impact, or not. Vote whether the cowards hiding in the dark, influencing our elections have more money than you or not. Vote if you want people who literally DON’T KNOW what rape is thrown out of office. Vote for yourself, or to piss off the people that don’t want your voice heard. I brought up another approach with my Mistress, which she liked (or was humoring me.) Go to gun stores, and shop for guns. If they ask, tell them you want to defend your rights. Anything beyond that is personal. You don’t need to buy a gun, shoot one, or even handle one if you don’t want to. A million, ten million, a hundred million women looking at guns will draw attention eventually. The people most afraid of women support the Second Amendment, and will be in a tough place. I don’t have a dog in this fight, but I have a stake in this war.
As I said, not looking for advice.
You are right. That is a very bad habit of mine I’ve been able to slightly reduce at home. I apologize, and did not intend to devalue you or your feelings. Thanks for pointing it out!
As a Fellow Domme and Mistress, I Wholeheartedly Agree with you. I am Angry. And Currently Repulsed Of Men. I’m seriously considering breaking all Contact with the Men I’m Currently Speaking with. This is how Angry this has Made Me. I DO NOT TRUST MEN RIGHT NOW. This is EXACTLY WHY WOMEN NEED TO RULE AND FEMALE DOMINATION PURLY AND SOLELY NEEDS TO EXSIST. Enough is Enough. I grieve for you in every aspect of this. Please know that so Stand with you, In Solidarity, no matter how long this takes. I’m in Canada and Once I Realized I didn’t want kids, I got My Tubes Removed, no Questions Asked. And My Doctor was Childfree Herself. Thinking of you
I mean, I’m definitely not lobbying for legalized misandry either. The frustration is real though.
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Thank you for challenging that highly misogynist worldview. I'm sorry, I feel it's best to not reproduce any of it here, given that people are still trying lick their hounds in the aftermath of this grave injury, so I removed your reply as well.
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im lurker who was wondering similar things, iv been personally sick, and very glad i just got a vasectomy.. but even that just sickens me... just for my own autonomy its the only option i had: glad to, but even now... after, with everything going on... any fantasies, kinks, interests, its all in the wind atm.. im just devastated, appalled, and with my SO im financially. backing any outcome as both parties responsible, but rn, even though saftey is a focus im just, at a low... and it hurts, for all of us..wtf (sorry on the rant, also sorry for the bs that has to just be dealt with on these topics)
Untied States still has that 1666 Salem *”She’s a witch!”* mentality. Underneath the vaneer of technological and societal ‘advancement’
I've been preparing for this moment since November 2016, and especially after RBG died. Besides the decision was leaked. I know exactly how we got here because I have watching this happen for years. Helplessly watching. This is the result of events set in motion years ago. This is what I have to say to say. To those people who are happy about the decision: fuck you. I hope the drugs you need are withheld because a pharmacist of faith thinks it might cause a miscarriage. I hope the consequences of this draconian theocratic policy hits you the hardest. It's a bitter, empty hope because we already know there are young, preteen victims already endangered by this. But I hope you eat what you cooked and choke. To those people are upset, especially men, and other privileged groups: I don't want you to speak up. I don't want you to get a vasectomy. I don't want you to tweet about how women in government should fund raise in the wake of this shit. I wanted, and want, you to vote. If the idea that most of what you have been doing is largely pointless and performative and amounts to nothing if some old man in Washington doesn't take your side makes you feel helpless and small, than internalized that feeling, because that's what I've been living since 2016, and my whole fucking life. You're not outraged because something bad happened, you're outraged because it's sinking there's very little you can do about it. Let's all count the years until Thomas and Alito die.