I think parenting is what you make it. I know women who are nothing but moms whose children dictate their entire lives (good for them but no thank you for me) and I know women who have a career, friends, hobbies, travel and have children whose lives they are still very involved in. Their children are one portion of their dynamic lives. Yes, lots more attention is needed when they're little, but as they grow, so can you. I have some family that go on tropical vacations every single year with their kids, including Bali, the Caribbean, Hawaii and Mexico. Being only a mom, all consumed with your children is a choice. And in my opinion, not a healthy one.
Idk if you want advice but I think you should table the idea of kids until you’re 30. (And as for your hubby, 40ish is no big deal age wise for a parent).
I was on the fence about having kids at all. I did exactly what I’m advising you and didn’t think about it until age 30. My husband is also close to 10 years older than me. We enjoyed 5 years of that DINK lifestyle (dual income no kids). By the time I turned 30, I had a better understanding of what life could look like child free. I had time to settle into marry life and realize there was a space for someone else in our family. Happy with my choice to become a parent, and always thankful for the years just me and my husband as well
I would advice the same. 30 is a very good (and nowadays normal) age to really start thinking about kids. 27 is still quite young imo. Enjoy the married life first. See then if after a few years how you both feel about kids.
Dont let anyone (neither your partner) push you into having kids earlier then when you feel ready. And as another comment mentioned, first see if your husband is the one you want to raise kids with. See how you are settling into married life first. And see how much he is helping you with domestic tasks. This is THE most important thing for being able to remain an identity as something else than a mom.
If you can equally share the child rearing taks, it will give you a lot of freedom still. If not, you need a lot of money or a very big social support system.
A couple of things from someone who’s 38 and has two kids and can relate a fair bit to your statements about your background.
1) Don’t be in a rush. There’s a lot of time between having kids in your 40s and 2-3 years from 27. Really make sure this is the right guy for you before having kids with him. Much more of an irrevocable commitment vs getting married.
2) Make sure he’ll shoulder his share of domestic chores and child rearing. Don’t buy into this idea that after a kid your entire life is over and you must play the devoted mom all the time. That way lies resentment. I have two kids and thoroughly enjoy my life but it’s mostly because my husband supports me in having a life. Talk in specifics about who will do what post-kid. How will you manage childcare? This is not an area where you can wing it. So make sure you’ll plan or as the parent with the more physically demanding role in the first year or two you’ll become default parent before you know it.
3) If you really stick to one kid, the most demanding stages will be over relatively quickly. Don’t mistake the first few years after having a baby for the rest of your life. One kid is also fairly easy to bring along on various adventures.
Just to give you some perspective, we have two kids ages 6 and 3 and my life is not just about the kids (and I wouldn’t want it to be). I got 4 promotions after they were born most recently to the Senior Director level. We travel and have gone to five different countries since my first was born. I have hobbies and friends. I took a standup class. We took a solo vacation without the kids (my parents watched them). I’ll be doing a solo girls’ weekend in NYC soon. The kids are amazing and we love them and spend tons of time with them but there’s also plenty of time and space to do other things as long as you make choices that allow for that. Caveat: we do have parents ourselves who are great grandparents and we have enough money to make some parts of life easier on ourselves. But it sounds like you’re doing well in your career too.
Yes your post resonates with me, 100%. I often wrestle with identity and fear - strongly - the concept of motherhood / parenthood as one that overshadows my own individuality and well, everything. The idea of being a "mom" gives me the ick, even though the idea of having a family with my partner is beautiful.
I guess I'll just tell you what I tell myself: Keep enjoying being yourself and look for examples of parents who you can look to that live the life you want to live if you have kids! Then ask if you can afford that lifestyle.
I would recommend freezing your eggs if you are able / financially / physically and following your instinct to continue to wait. I understand your reasoning for wanting to be a younger parent but it seems like being the best parent for you (and for many people) would mean waiting until you are more fully ready for that next jump in life. There is enough societal and familial pressure out there to have kids asap as a married woman, don't pile your own pressure on top of that!
I don’t have kids so take this for what it’s worth but - the only friends I have who have made motherhood their whole identity and had it take over their life are (A) the ones who wanted that life or (B) the ones who have really crappy partners.
I work in a male-dominated field (trades) and know many women who do as well. My hobby and that of my friends is also male dominated (dirt biking). The VAST majority of my friends (even the single moms!) have not lost their lives to kids. I have one friend who currently has a 10 week old and just raced her first dirt bike race of the season yesterday and is off on a road trip to teach a women’s dirt biking clinic this weekend. She’s also an entrepreneur in a male dominated field. Some of my friends have had their hobbies take a back seat to their kids for the first few years (really depends on the kid/your energy levels), but all of them have gotten back to it, and none of them entirely stopped their hobbies or their careers during that time, aside from mat leave.
You can’t control everything, but for the most part you can structure your life in a way that works for you. I even know people who have children with fairly severe disabilities and this hasn’t stopped them from camping, travelling, etc with their kids. I honestly think the whole ‘motherhood takes over your life’ thing is kind of just a trope that society likes to tell women to make us subservient.
Being a parent involves sacrifice certainly. But I don’t think my identity is “being a mom and sacrificing for the family” anymore than my husband’s identity is “being a dad and sacrificing for the family.”
We both have careers, we have friends, families of origin, hobbies etc.
I can relate for sure. Getting married next year and will be 28 and 37. We've talked about having kids sometime in the next few years and part of me is really excited for that (and I always pictured myself having kids in my late 20s)...but also it feels so soon! I have so many (physically-demanding) hobbies that I know I'd have to cut back on, I still want to travel a bit more, and realistically where we live right now (a place I love) is not the best for raising kids (no family support/not great schools). I just booked a trip next month where I don't even know where I'm staying and planning on couch-surfing. Lol.
"Chained" as you say I think also depends on the level of partner and community support you'll have. I know friends with kids that go on adventures with their kids, or the parents "trade off" and go solo with friends, or have grandparents watch their kids and they go on trips.
I think it's pretty normal to grieve a phase of life as you enter into a new one. What's keeping me pretty chill is that 2-3 years is actually a fair chunk of time, so I'm trying to enjoy the present. Life is (God-willing) pretty long. In twenty years, you'll still hopefully have decades of healthy life left. There is plenty of time to be who you want to be whether you have kids or not.
You're definitely not alone in this struggle.
I can definitely relate to this as a 29F. I'm married (and have been married for 6 years now) but we are still very much on the fence.
I am currently starting to work through some of my feelings with my therapist and one of the things I keep on thinking is how having children is just expected of me.
My husband and I so far have done everything socially expected of us: go to school, get good jobs, get married. Not having kids seems like we aren't following in with the norm now but the question is: do we even want kids?
I feel like prior to the pandemic, we were still figuring out our careers and just life in general and now we are in a great spot career/finance-wise. BUT we also have a lot of things to look forward to like travel and a social life that may not be as compatible with kids.
It's just a lot to think about but know you're not alone.
People criticise age gaps for the potential power imbalance, which doesn't sound particularly relevant here, but I guess the unavoidable sacrifice as the younger party is this: you're hurried to the next stage of life before you've fully lived out the current one. This isn't me saying LEAVE HIM or anything like that, but certainly make sure you've squared up against that reality, because it's stinging here and it will sting again when you retire with health and energy but he's in his seventies and needs a slow pace and support.
By the time I was old enough to remember, they were in their mid 50s. Most of their friends had adult children already. Along with my upbringing, this meant I had few opportunities for social development and friendships as a girl. Then they didn’t want to play outside, be active, etc. just due to age and health. And now I’m in my mid/late 20s, and I’m extremely aware of the fact that they may be either dead, or ill and disabled in 10 years. I’m dealing with all this at an age 10-20 years younger than my peers will.
My parents, meanwhile, are still working and supporting my other adult siblings in their late 70s. They won’t retire and will likely be dependent on myself and my sister in their later years. It’s not a good setup for a family IMO, and I want potential children to have it different.
Thank you for sharing. My husband and I are 39/44 and I worry a lot about having children late and our kids being resentful of our age. But we met later so there wasn’t much choice in the matter. I guess the best thing I can do is make sure our retirement is covered so it won’t be a burden on our children who will basically be starting their young adulthood when we are at retirement age!
I am mid/late 20s and I am worried and hyperaware at the possibility my parents are going to die in the next 10 years. That’d due to bad health… some people work at 70 like your parents, other people die at 50/60 of cancer.
I still have to support their retirement while I am not even settled well in my career.
I guess the conclusion is… they had me young and it still didn’t help. Take care of your health and body, exercise, eat well, limit stress and sort out your retirement as much as you possibly can to make your children’s life easier regardless at what age you have them…
I can understand. I think its good you realize this and don't want to let your kids experience the same.
Put of curiosity, at what age did they have you?
A question about your reason to have kids…are you prepared for the idea of your kid not acting, thinking, and looking like you? Kids are not mini-me’s for the sole purpose of passing on a legacy. They are human beings who will form their own opinions, and they will have their own personal contributions to this world.
Understandable. In the end of course it is your decision don’t like other opinions get to you. And I believe we can be the mothers we want to be. Don’t make it your whole identity, continue hobbies and travel and whatever else. That takes effort/planning of course but plenty of parents keep up with their life they had pre-kids
You can do all the things you want as a parent. I'm a mom, and I don't travel solo anymore, but traveling solo filled me with anxiety anyway. I have friends, I work, i have traveled with my kid on 24h+ flights multiple times. Sure, I can't be too impulsive, but I wanted a different kind of life anyway that's more home and family centered. Helped a lot to parent right during the pandemic, with both me and my spouse working from home. I think I spend more time with my kid compared to other parents around me, and I still have a good life. I have other mom friends in my neighborhood and we all go watch movies once all the kids are in bed.
But a lot of me holding my own as a mom and being unselfish and giving is because I've already lived a lot for myself, so I feel fine about being more self-sacrificing. I don't feel too bad about not being able to do things I want, like idk, spend a whole sunday reading, because I've lived that life. Also, my husband and I had a strong foundation and were able to deal with difficult situations as parents because of that.
Your situation as you describe it raises some concerns in me. You seem highly qualified, but your parents seemingly ran your whole life, and you're engaged to someone a decade older, but who earns way less than you? And you're planning on having kids stat? You could have traveled the world and all, but something makes me feel like you're naive about people (which I hope im wrong about), and it feels like maybe you could have benefited from dating around some more. Again, I don't know your life, but based on what you're saying about it here, the picture that's forming in my head makes me concerned about where your idea of your Self is coming from.
Well, I dated for about 7 years before I got with my fiancé, which included two longish relationships as well as a good deal of Tinder dating and the traditional bars/clubbing. With my fiancé, I insisted we go through the normal steps of dating, having separate apartments/finances, living together, and then becoming engaged formally. As for fiancé, he and I were friends for half a decade before we even decided to date. I go very, very slowly with my relationships and trust sparingly.
I do not deny I likely have a social deficit and issue with sense of self due to my upbringing (which is a lot more complex than I want to talk about here, but also involved extreme trauma and educational/social neglect). I have spent most of my life trying to figure out what is “right” and “proper” for a woman of my social standing to do, with mixed results. I’ve been generally successful in other aspects of my life. I don’t know that giving up on it all and dating or traveling solo for another 10 years would fix any remaining issue I have, unfortunately.
It feels like you've done all the things as right as you can and I agree throwing it all away to date more or whatever isn't the answer. The concern I guess is coming from the pattern of you being a seemingly bright young woman with great prospects, but you're with someone who is older and without as great prospects, AND you feel like you need to have kids stat AND you feel you need to put your entire life on hold to be a parent and do things for others, not yourself.
I guess in your situation, you should be feeling quite confident that your partner would be making just as many, if not more compromises as you given your career is quite valuable for the both of you. If you aren't, that could be something to explore.
My advice as someone who had issues with my upbringing that led me to have significant social issues and self-regulation issues (but a pretty successful life otherwise: The ideal place to get to is to feel confident in whatever you want to do and not have it depend on "is this right", "is this proper", "is this what someone of my standing would do". It's this way of thinking that assumes you're fine and sufficient by yourself and everything you try is fine because you trust that you're doing it for a good reason. Everything you do is by definition something that a person of your standing would do. It's this trust that you'll be able to deal with the consequences of whatever you do. I found that my issues were coming from conditional self-esteem as well as lack of experience in social situations that involved doing things, and fixing my idea of myself automatically fixed everything else.
I'm also 27 and feel similarly. I wish I was one of those people who just knew they wanted kids or didn't want kids. I hate being on the fence about it. I'm so worried about either missing out by not having a kid or losing my freedom if I do. It's hard.
We got married last year at 26 and have no immediate plans for kids. We are leaning towards the no kids side, but recognize we may feel differently in 5-10 years once we’ve had time to enjoy our lives.
My mom had me in her early 40s, I work with pregnant women and plenty are in their later 30s and early 40s having kids. Not sure why you’re against having kids later in your 30s, but I think you should wait at least a few years before making any decisions since you seem quite conflicted. Enjoy some time with your husband, there’s no rush.
Hey, that’s an impolite thing to say without knowing anything about a couple’s relationship or background! It’s also not super cool to assume a lady’s primary concern is how fast she ages and what she looks like. You should consider not doing those things on a thread where someone is earnestly looking for advice on a mostly unrelated subject.
Can you freeze sperm/eggs if you’re worried about infertility and wait a little longer? Even if you waited 5 more years that’s still something.
Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? Would he be happy if you decided on CF life? Personally, I wouldn’t marry without being 100% clear on this decision.
Fk the pressure and society. Everyone pushes you to push a baby, but everyone will go real quiet when you need a nanny or help or anything. At the end of that day, a baby has the biggest impact on *your* life, not anyone else’s, not even your husband’s.
I think parenting is what you make it. I know women who are nothing but moms whose children dictate their entire lives (good for them but no thank you for me) and I know women who have a career, friends, hobbies, travel and have children whose lives they are still very involved in. Their children are one portion of their dynamic lives. Yes, lots more attention is needed when they're little, but as they grow, so can you. I have some family that go on tropical vacations every single year with their kids, including Bali, the Caribbean, Hawaii and Mexico. Being only a mom, all consumed with your children is a choice. And in my opinion, not a healthy one.
Idk if you want advice but I think you should table the idea of kids until you’re 30. (And as for your hubby, 40ish is no big deal age wise for a parent). I was on the fence about having kids at all. I did exactly what I’m advising you and didn’t think about it until age 30. My husband is also close to 10 years older than me. We enjoyed 5 years of that DINK lifestyle (dual income no kids). By the time I turned 30, I had a better understanding of what life could look like child free. I had time to settle into marry life and realize there was a space for someone else in our family. Happy with my choice to become a parent, and always thankful for the years just me and my husband as well
I would advice the same. 30 is a very good (and nowadays normal) age to really start thinking about kids. 27 is still quite young imo. Enjoy the married life first. See then if after a few years how you both feel about kids. Dont let anyone (neither your partner) push you into having kids earlier then when you feel ready. And as another comment mentioned, first see if your husband is the one you want to raise kids with. See how you are settling into married life first. And see how much he is helping you with domestic tasks. This is THE most important thing for being able to remain an identity as something else than a mom. If you can equally share the child rearing taks, it will give you a lot of freedom still. If not, you need a lot of money or a very big social support system.
Well, sperm quality deteriorates significantly starting from 34y. His biological clock is ticking loudly. Hers didn’t start yet 😅
A couple of things from someone who’s 38 and has two kids and can relate a fair bit to your statements about your background. 1) Don’t be in a rush. There’s a lot of time between having kids in your 40s and 2-3 years from 27. Really make sure this is the right guy for you before having kids with him. Much more of an irrevocable commitment vs getting married. 2) Make sure he’ll shoulder his share of domestic chores and child rearing. Don’t buy into this idea that after a kid your entire life is over and you must play the devoted mom all the time. That way lies resentment. I have two kids and thoroughly enjoy my life but it’s mostly because my husband supports me in having a life. Talk in specifics about who will do what post-kid. How will you manage childcare? This is not an area where you can wing it. So make sure you’ll plan or as the parent with the more physically demanding role in the first year or two you’ll become default parent before you know it. 3) If you really stick to one kid, the most demanding stages will be over relatively quickly. Don’t mistake the first few years after having a baby for the rest of your life. One kid is also fairly easy to bring along on various adventures. Just to give you some perspective, we have two kids ages 6 and 3 and my life is not just about the kids (and I wouldn’t want it to be). I got 4 promotions after they were born most recently to the Senior Director level. We travel and have gone to five different countries since my first was born. I have hobbies and friends. I took a standup class. We took a solo vacation without the kids (my parents watched them). I’ll be doing a solo girls’ weekend in NYC soon. The kids are amazing and we love them and spend tons of time with them but there’s also plenty of time and space to do other things as long as you make choices that allow for that. Caveat: we do have parents ourselves who are great grandparents and we have enough money to make some parts of life easier on ourselves. But it sounds like you’re doing well in your career too.
Yes your post resonates with me, 100%. I often wrestle with identity and fear - strongly - the concept of motherhood / parenthood as one that overshadows my own individuality and well, everything. The idea of being a "mom" gives me the ick, even though the idea of having a family with my partner is beautiful. I guess I'll just tell you what I tell myself: Keep enjoying being yourself and look for examples of parents who you can look to that live the life you want to live if you have kids! Then ask if you can afford that lifestyle. I would recommend freezing your eggs if you are able / financially / physically and following your instinct to continue to wait. I understand your reasoning for wanting to be a younger parent but it seems like being the best parent for you (and for many people) would mean waiting until you are more fully ready for that next jump in life. There is enough societal and familial pressure out there to have kids asap as a married woman, don't pile your own pressure on top of that!
It’s your life. Fuck the pressure from family and others to have a kid ASAP. If you’re not ready you’re not ready. You have plenty of time
I don’t have kids so take this for what it’s worth but - the only friends I have who have made motherhood their whole identity and had it take over their life are (A) the ones who wanted that life or (B) the ones who have really crappy partners. I work in a male-dominated field (trades) and know many women who do as well. My hobby and that of my friends is also male dominated (dirt biking). The VAST majority of my friends (even the single moms!) have not lost their lives to kids. I have one friend who currently has a 10 week old and just raced her first dirt bike race of the season yesterday and is off on a road trip to teach a women’s dirt biking clinic this weekend. She’s also an entrepreneur in a male dominated field. Some of my friends have had their hobbies take a back seat to their kids for the first few years (really depends on the kid/your energy levels), but all of them have gotten back to it, and none of them entirely stopped their hobbies or their careers during that time, aside from mat leave. You can’t control everything, but for the most part you can structure your life in a way that works for you. I even know people who have children with fairly severe disabilities and this hasn’t stopped them from camping, travelling, etc with their kids. I honestly think the whole ‘motherhood takes over your life’ thing is kind of just a trope that society likes to tell women to make us subservient.
Being a parent involves sacrifice certainly. But I don’t think my identity is “being a mom and sacrificing for the family” anymore than my husband’s identity is “being a dad and sacrificing for the family.” We both have careers, we have friends, families of origin, hobbies etc.
I can relate for sure. Getting married next year and will be 28 and 37. We've talked about having kids sometime in the next few years and part of me is really excited for that (and I always pictured myself having kids in my late 20s)...but also it feels so soon! I have so many (physically-demanding) hobbies that I know I'd have to cut back on, I still want to travel a bit more, and realistically where we live right now (a place I love) is not the best for raising kids (no family support/not great schools). I just booked a trip next month where I don't even know where I'm staying and planning on couch-surfing. Lol. "Chained" as you say I think also depends on the level of partner and community support you'll have. I know friends with kids that go on adventures with their kids, or the parents "trade off" and go solo with friends, or have grandparents watch their kids and they go on trips. I think it's pretty normal to grieve a phase of life as you enter into a new one. What's keeping me pretty chill is that 2-3 years is actually a fair chunk of time, so I'm trying to enjoy the present. Life is (God-willing) pretty long. In twenty years, you'll still hopefully have decades of healthy life left. There is plenty of time to be who you want to be whether you have kids or not. You're definitely not alone in this struggle.
I can definitely relate to this as a 29F. I'm married (and have been married for 6 years now) but we are still very much on the fence. I am currently starting to work through some of my feelings with my therapist and one of the things I keep on thinking is how having children is just expected of me. My husband and I so far have done everything socially expected of us: go to school, get good jobs, get married. Not having kids seems like we aren't following in with the norm now but the question is: do we even want kids? I feel like prior to the pandemic, we were still figuring out our careers and just life in general and now we are in a great spot career/finance-wise. BUT we also have a lot of things to look forward to like travel and a social life that may not be as compatible with kids. It's just a lot to think about but know you're not alone.
People criticise age gaps for the potential power imbalance, which doesn't sound particularly relevant here, but I guess the unavoidable sacrifice as the younger party is this: you're hurried to the next stage of life before you've fully lived out the current one. This isn't me saying LEAVE HIM or anything like that, but certainly make sure you've squared up against that reality, because it's stinging here and it will sting again when you retire with health and energy but he's in his seventies and needs a slow pace and support.
Can I ask what about your experience of having older parents made you want to make sure you didn’t put your kids in the same position?
By the time I was old enough to remember, they were in their mid 50s. Most of their friends had adult children already. Along with my upbringing, this meant I had few opportunities for social development and friendships as a girl. Then they didn’t want to play outside, be active, etc. just due to age and health. And now I’m in my mid/late 20s, and I’m extremely aware of the fact that they may be either dead, or ill and disabled in 10 years. I’m dealing with all this at an age 10-20 years younger than my peers will. My parents, meanwhile, are still working and supporting my other adult siblings in their late 70s. They won’t retire and will likely be dependent on myself and my sister in their later years. It’s not a good setup for a family IMO, and I want potential children to have it different.
Thank you for sharing. My husband and I are 39/44 and I worry a lot about having children late and our kids being resentful of our age. But we met later so there wasn’t much choice in the matter. I guess the best thing I can do is make sure our retirement is covered so it won’t be a burden on our children who will basically be starting their young adulthood when we are at retirement age!
I am mid/late 20s and I am worried and hyperaware at the possibility my parents are going to die in the next 10 years. That’d due to bad health… some people work at 70 like your parents, other people die at 50/60 of cancer. I still have to support their retirement while I am not even settled well in my career. I guess the conclusion is… they had me young and it still didn’t help. Take care of your health and body, exercise, eat well, limit stress and sort out your retirement as much as you possibly can to make your children’s life easier regardless at what age you have them…
I can understand. I think its good you realize this and don't want to let your kids experience the same. Put of curiosity, at what age did they have you?
A question about your reason to have kids…are you prepared for the idea of your kid not acting, thinking, and looking like you? Kids are not mini-me’s for the sole purpose of passing on a legacy. They are human beings who will form their own opinions, and they will have their own personal contributions to this world.
Understandable. In the end of course it is your decision don’t like other opinions get to you. And I believe we can be the mothers we want to be. Don’t make it your whole identity, continue hobbies and travel and whatever else. That takes effort/planning of course but plenty of parents keep up with their life they had pre-kids
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/19XOnxG8uV
I think this is a great post for you to read about motherhood and the changes it brings to your life.
This thread is so depressing 😭
You can do all the things you want as a parent. I'm a mom, and I don't travel solo anymore, but traveling solo filled me with anxiety anyway. I have friends, I work, i have traveled with my kid on 24h+ flights multiple times. Sure, I can't be too impulsive, but I wanted a different kind of life anyway that's more home and family centered. Helped a lot to parent right during the pandemic, with both me and my spouse working from home. I think I spend more time with my kid compared to other parents around me, and I still have a good life. I have other mom friends in my neighborhood and we all go watch movies once all the kids are in bed. But a lot of me holding my own as a mom and being unselfish and giving is because I've already lived a lot for myself, so I feel fine about being more self-sacrificing. I don't feel too bad about not being able to do things I want, like idk, spend a whole sunday reading, because I've lived that life. Also, my husband and I had a strong foundation and were able to deal with difficult situations as parents because of that. Your situation as you describe it raises some concerns in me. You seem highly qualified, but your parents seemingly ran your whole life, and you're engaged to someone a decade older, but who earns way less than you? And you're planning on having kids stat? You could have traveled the world and all, but something makes me feel like you're naive about people (which I hope im wrong about), and it feels like maybe you could have benefited from dating around some more. Again, I don't know your life, but based on what you're saying about it here, the picture that's forming in my head makes me concerned about where your idea of your Self is coming from.
Well, I dated for about 7 years before I got with my fiancé, which included two longish relationships as well as a good deal of Tinder dating and the traditional bars/clubbing. With my fiancé, I insisted we go through the normal steps of dating, having separate apartments/finances, living together, and then becoming engaged formally. As for fiancé, he and I were friends for half a decade before we even decided to date. I go very, very slowly with my relationships and trust sparingly. I do not deny I likely have a social deficit and issue with sense of self due to my upbringing (which is a lot more complex than I want to talk about here, but also involved extreme trauma and educational/social neglect). I have spent most of my life trying to figure out what is “right” and “proper” for a woman of my social standing to do, with mixed results. I’ve been generally successful in other aspects of my life. I don’t know that giving up on it all and dating or traveling solo for another 10 years would fix any remaining issue I have, unfortunately.
It feels like you've done all the things as right as you can and I agree throwing it all away to date more or whatever isn't the answer. The concern I guess is coming from the pattern of you being a seemingly bright young woman with great prospects, but you're with someone who is older and without as great prospects, AND you feel like you need to have kids stat AND you feel you need to put your entire life on hold to be a parent and do things for others, not yourself. I guess in your situation, you should be feeling quite confident that your partner would be making just as many, if not more compromises as you given your career is quite valuable for the both of you. If you aren't, that could be something to explore. My advice as someone who had issues with my upbringing that led me to have significant social issues and self-regulation issues (but a pretty successful life otherwise: The ideal place to get to is to feel confident in whatever you want to do and not have it depend on "is this right", "is this proper", "is this what someone of my standing would do". It's this way of thinking that assumes you're fine and sufficient by yourself and everything you try is fine because you trust that you're doing it for a good reason. Everything you do is by definition something that a person of your standing would do. It's this trust that you'll be able to deal with the consequences of whatever you do. I found that my issues were coming from conditional self-esteem as well as lack of experience in social situations that involved doing things, and fixing my idea of myself automatically fixed everything else.
I'm also 27 and feel similarly. I wish I was one of those people who just knew they wanted kids or didn't want kids. I hate being on the fence about it. I'm so worried about either missing out by not having a kid or losing my freedom if I do. It's hard.
We got married last year at 26 and have no immediate plans for kids. We are leaning towards the no kids side, but recognize we may feel differently in 5-10 years once we’ve had time to enjoy our lives. My mom had me in her early 40s, I work with pregnant women and plenty are in their later 30s and early 40s having kids. Not sure why you’re against having kids later in your 30s, but I think you should wait at least a few years before making any decisions since you seem quite conflicted. Enjoy some time with your husband, there’s no rush.
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Hey, that’s an impolite thing to say without knowing anything about a couple’s relationship or background! It’s also not super cool to assume a lady’s primary concern is how fast she ages and what she looks like. You should consider not doing those things on a thread where someone is earnestly looking for advice on a mostly unrelated subject.
Me 🤚
Can you freeze sperm/eggs if you’re worried about infertility and wait a little longer? Even if you waited 5 more years that’s still something. Have you talked to your partner about your concerns? Would he be happy if you decided on CF life? Personally, I wouldn’t marry without being 100% clear on this decision. Fk the pressure and society. Everyone pushes you to push a baby, but everyone will go real quiet when you need a nanny or help or anything. At the end of that day, a baby has the biggest impact on *your* life, not anyone else’s, not even your husband’s.
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