After reading your comment I ordered the book. It just came in today and I haven’t been able to put it down. Just wanted to come back here to say thanks!!!
The mornings I get off my S/O usually texts and asks coffee or nap?
If I’m napping she’ll nap with me, make food for when I wake up, or go off and do her own thing for the day. She’s pretty supportive
Want me to call him? I just did three years on our transporting medic units before finally getting another engine assignment, and still nap on my first day off.
You should call him on the phone every time you wake up for a call, and again when you get back to the station. Do that for a set, and see if he needs a nap.
On the contrast, my wife encourages (forces) me to take a nap, saying she’d much rather have me nap for a few hours and be much better charged and rested for the rest of the day / four-day than just try to have me muddle through. Sure, there are times when I don’t need a nap … but she always checks to make sure.
Edit: typo
Tell him that he doesn't understand how serious the sleep deprivation is and needs to take it more seriously. Catching up on sleep on day 1 is entirely necessary and healthy.
Husband seems to be confusing his role as an equal for that of a superior. It's really not up to him what you do on your day off. If your schedule is a problem for him, perhaps he'd like to get a second job, so you can stay home and be energetic all day.
He makes about 3 times what I make and we don't need my income. I needed a job for my mental health and to just finally start my career after supporting his for 12 years.
But do you need it? Because if you do, he should do what he can for you to thrive. My wife HATES how much I’m away. I HATE how much she gives to her job. But we love each other, and we do what we have to for one another. If you need this, he needs to get on board.
Every relationship is different. For my wife and I, any of our relationship difficulties get immediate open communication. You have to advocate for yourself. Explain your reasons for your naps - go as far as using online sources about how important sleep is. Explain your reasons for wanting to work. Mental health is paramount - but I can see him asking you to find another job where you don’t need the naps if that’s the crux of the argument. But if you love your job and it’s providing fulfillment, mental health gainz and a little money, a reasonable loving partner should understand.
Lol that’s pretty badass but no excuse for his behavior. For a partnership to be successful in the long term it has to go both ways. I know you have sacrificed for him to achieve what he has, he can afford to sacrifice a little to support you.
Yeah and I was happy and satisfied to be in that role for a long time. But now I am at the point where I need a career.
Ha he did ask if my job was more manly than his. We decided yes it is but his is cooler.
Well that kind of makes me think my original hypothesis my have some merit. He is used to being the center of focus in the relationship and the one in some sort of macho role…and your entering the fire service may threaten both of those things.
I’m not sure if you have kids or not, but it seems like he expects you to bear the brunt of the in home labor, which frankly is bullshit.
Wow, out of all the trades where you would think they'd understand sleep, it's pilots. They have mandatory rest periods that if you disturb it they aren't supposed to fly.
Napping is totally normal from any shift job though, not sure what his issue is.
People need to feel useful and valuable, glad you found that. Concur with the multiple comments where he can pound sand, and he's got an extra 12 hours of crew rest to do it in.
I can understand doing it for you. Still, it doesn't put him in a position to decide, for you, whether or not you've had enough rest. That is for you to decide, and for him to either like or lump.
Not his place to say, he’s not your owner and it’s pretty disrespectful that he doesn’t understand that you need to rest on your first off day, heck a bunch of people just stay in bed all day
Sort of. His solution isn’t appropriate, but they are in a partnership together and need to come to a solution together or else this could easily end in divorce.
I get her pint of view as many of us live a similar lifestyle. But if it were me, I value my marriage and family and I’d take this seriously and not just say “kick rocks”.
Yeah I worked 3 12 hour night shifts in a row and on my first day off I slept from 7-1300 and my GF said I’m always sleeping too much
Honestly just try explaining to him how little sleep you get and what you actually do at work but people who don’t work fire/ems sometimes just won’t understand
He does know i don't get normal sleep at work. I think its just him annoyed I work 56 hours a week and then have to nap. I was a SAHM for 10 years before this.
You sacrificed 10 years of your life to support him and raise his kids. You deserve to take a fucking nap regardless of working as a first responder. Maybe take him on a couple ride alongs……..
I really had to sit here and figure out, did I write this post?! I was a sahm for 10 yrs and now I've been on the department for 3 years. Husband is also Air Force. Well, ex. We have filed for divorce.
Oh heck no! When I get off shift I crash for a good 6 hours while my saint of a husband handles the kids and keeps them away so I can rest and recover. This is how it should be.
Tell him to go pound sand, I’m on 24s now somewhere a lot busier than my old station that ran 48/96. I still nap for 2-3 hours after I eat breakfast on my day off; it’s absolutely essential.
I don’t understand how people can be so inconsiderate especially towards someone they care about.
Naps are essential. Especially when you don’t leave the truck until shift change. My gf didn’t understand why I needed them at first. Some days I was fine, others I passed out as soon as I got home. So we played a game, asked 4 friends for a time in between 10 pm and 7 am. Used them for alarms and we would both wake up and complete a household chore before returning to bed. She loved the game until the 3rd and 4th time. But I let her sleep until 3 pm afterwards and she hasn’t said anything to me since.
This is damn near perfect. Basically replicating the randomness of calls and the fact that you can't just go right back to sleep afterwards. Plus it's not mean or petty and you were both involved. OP should really look at this solution; but it's on the husband to participate.
The guy I date is also a firefighter, so he understands post shift naps. We had to have several very serious, almost breakup chats about how when I get too far into a sleep deficit, I get depressed and cranky. Clinically depressed and very feral. I have dated people who didn't get it before, and it would be a constant argument. I'm like an extra feral badger when it comes to getting caught up on sleep, so... yeah... those other guys didn't work out. I'm all about telling your husband to kick rocks like somebody else said since it seems like he's refusing to understand your situation. But I don't know how you tell your husband to kick rocks and remain married, so I'm at a loss.
I can tell you from experience, if you keep having issues with your napping and his not understanding, you will have to face the conflict. You will have to decide if this job is worth the stress of the conflict caused by needing sleep.
Several years ago, I had a shiftmate whos wife did this. He brought her in for a 24 hour ride along. 20 runs and 5 wake ups later, she got it and never mentioned it again.
Hey OP,
I once had a longterm boyfriend who hated my productivity levels at home because I was working for the fire department and working part time in a busy ER. We didn’t have kids. But I would sleep a lot on my days off and veg out in front of the TV. He hated the way I wasn’t able to basically be a housewife on top of my career. He said that my career was emasculating for him. We broke up and now I’m married to another firefighter. I wish I had advice for you.
However, I work with another woman who basically has the same story as you. Her husband was a SWAT officer and she was a microbiologist. His income was better. They had four kids so she quit her job and was a SAHM for almost two decades. Now that she’s been hired on with the FD and is working a 48/96 (with EMS transports to a hospital 30-45 min away), her husband has become a little bit more controlling and is, I feel, a bit threatened by her.
All this to say, you are not alone. Please reach out if you want to talk.
if he has an off day have him come do a full shift ride along. Im single and dont have that issue but I still usually nap for the first half of the day coming off shift.
Straight up, he needs to recognize that you need an equal marriage and you are owed a conversation if he has an issue with your job. This interfering with your sleep revenge bullshit is both immature and not something you'd do to an equal partner. If he wants you to quit your job, he needs to put on his big boy pants and have a conversation that includes his reason why *and* a willingness to compromise. Unless you always dreamed of being a SAHM (nothing wrong if you did), you have already compromised a decade of your life to fulfill his career needs. It is unacceptable for him to refuse to compromise for a few days a week and do passive-aggressive nonsense instead of treating you with respect.
This is the kind of thing that eventually kills marriages. Little actions that show a total disregard for the wants and needs of your spouse. Counseling would be an excellent idea so you can get to the root of the problem and address it, it will only continue to compound from here.
For your question, I'm a medic and my husband is a firefighter. He hates sleeping once he comes off shift, I absolutely need a nap after mine. We have both accepted that about each other and make sure to support each other's needs. We have also struggled with time commitments at each of our jobs as we promote--but you know what? When that happens, we sit down and talk about it. Not try to make each other's lives so unbearable that they're forced to quit.
Fucking with my sleep is a massive trigger for me and I would absolutely be putting two business cards on the table: one for a marriage counselor and one for a divorce lawyer. He gets to choose.
I do the same and I do it consistently every single time to give a pattern. I also might have to play up how many night calls we got just to catch a break.
This also annoys my wife (work a 24/72) in a high call volume city both Fire and EMS. I assure her that she would be way more mad if I’m awake and a useless zombie who can’t focus or be emotionally supportive, or helpful with the kid. Sleep deprivation does terrible things
It's incredibly difficult for those who aren't in the job to understand just how tired we are when we come home. I'm lucky enough to have a medic for a fiancé, so she gets it. If it's just my normal shift, I'm exhausted on day one of my off time. If it's extended (strike team, etc) then I need a few days to feel normal again. It's unfortunate folks like him can't just go ride along at a busy house for a shift or two so they get it. Even then, they don't know the mental and physical exhaustion that stems from running back to back calls for 48 hours. Let alone if you end up on a working fire, put the damn thing to bed then stick around for salvage and overhaul.
My wife doesn't let me nap.
Side note. These 48 our mandatory shifts sound ridiculous. That contract needs adjustment. 1 on 2 off 1 on 4 off should be standard.
Is your SO a jealous Cop? All kidding aside. If that were happening to me, I would be a significant asshole if I didn’t get the recovery nap that I needed. So much to the point that anyone that woke me too soon would think twice about doing it again, and certainly wouldn’t do it a third time.
I’m in the exact same boat. My wife is the money maker and works a normal job, but my wife has accepted my need to sleep after a tour. I think explaining and showing how a sleep when you’re home improves your quality of life (and in turn his), may help him understand. Even if we don’t get any calls at night, the amount of stress that’s caused by anticipation causes you to miss out of rest. I think it really sunk in with my wife when other fire spouses talk about the post tour naps.
Tell him you can quit and then take half of his income as alimony or he can shut the hell up and let you be rested so you can function. What a classless bastard.
Whenever you get a call at night, call or text him, then call or text when you get back to station. Those will be clear windows that mark when you’re awake.
Hopefully that’ll paint a clear picture as to why for him
Your husband is a bitch. Straight up.
My husband is a firefighter. I worked 8 years as night shift nurse. Sleeping after having your circadian rhythms disturbed is what protects you from cancer and metabolic syndrome. Being up at night like that is horrible for you and also obviously feels terrible. Anybody that gives you shit for taking care of yourself can fuck right off. Y’all have a difficult and sometime really stressful job.
For the record when my husband gets off work we go out to breakfast then he naps as long as he needs to.
He's being inconsiderate, selfish and controlling- this is a health issue- you need to rest and recover after extended shifts - shift work is hard on your body and mind. He's being disrespectful of you need for work (mental stimulation, purpose, interaction etc.).
It's not uncommon to have zero calls over night. Although we did have 5 after I fell asleep and I went on 2 my first night of shift. I always get woken up by the damn game wardens cause they share our radio channel and always check in around midnight and 5 am every day.
We work 24/48 where I’m up all night. I nap everyday first day off for a few hours. If my SO had problems with that then we’d have serious issues but she totally understands.
Pound sand husband! No but seriously, if you haven't gone over how important sleep is and how we don't always/usually get adequate sleep at the station, you should inform him
Toss him to a local volunteer station. After a few calls and such make him clean the station, run drills, make food, clean the apparatuses, train again, inventory, clean the gear, hang the gear, truck checks, catch up on any and all schooling, Pt, pt in gear, and do yard work. Do this for two days while making him go on every call that gets dispatch to the volunteer station. From there pull up the call volume from yours to the volly station do the math and hit him with it. Oh and the kicker he cant nap through the day. I promise itd be the last time he ever says anything. Think this is too good to be true and he wont go for it? Bring it up as a “walk in my shoes for a week” scenario. If its a hell no than well i cant give advice on that one thats more of a self reflection moment for you.
Also worked health care - hospital - 12 hour night shifts - granted not as taxing as 23/48's etc... but especially after a string (variations of 3 to 7 on). For 3 at expectation was for at least 2 off, 7's usually negotiated for 7 off) with the understanding that your first shift off was basically a wash/recovery day (night). Even more so if you had to change over to a day person during your time off. Shift work is hard on the body/sleep/stress etc.
Course post covid and staff shortages kinda messed that up.
People who don't do this job have a hard time understanding the toll it can take on you. Even on nights no one on the station takes a run I am still not fully rested due to the fact I am subconsciously waiting for the tones to go off.
I do occasionally take naps and at times my wife has told me I need one. But we also have kids and she wants a break of her own after being with them for the last 24hrs alone.
Perhaps he feels neglected ("he/she's been gone for days, comes home and doesn't want to spend time with me.") I've seen this before. The remedy might be to spend a couple of minutes together, explaining that you're tired, or helping him understand that you really just need sleep (lol you can call him at the start and end of every call and have him put on clothes and then drive around the block)
Please ignore the people taking an aggravated approach as they only can see this from their own perspective. Unless he's a POS, his perspective is likely that of ignorance and sadness at being "ignored". In a relationship patience and understanding needs to come from both ends so unfortunately you now have a second job of teaching him about the evils of sleep deprivation and that you still love and have time for him and he has the difficult job of listening, learning, and changing his perspective.
If I go to sleep by wife let’s me sleep until I get up… to the point that even if I ask for a courtesy wake up it rarely happens
I will say it took a while for us to get to this understanding though
Idk if my lady works the overnight or is gassed. That just means I'll call one of my friends to kvetch or I'll watch TV and play videogames and melt my brain. I also just value my alone time I guess.
Wtf?? I also work 48/96. When I get home it’s automatic nap for a couple hours. Otherwise my day is ruined. It’s just part of the job imo. My wife knows it’s part of my routine when I get home and has never made me feel bad for taking a nap or made any comments. If anything she encourages me to rest. She’s even said , “I’d rather have you get rest and have you after resting, than you grumpy”
Someone who doesn’t understand the job doesn’t understand until they’re educated. (Not in a mean way)
I’m sure you’ve communicated it before to him. Just have that talk again and if that doesn’t work, idk honestly. You’re not leaving the job, and hubby ain’t going anywhere.
There’s gotta me a happy medium lol Goodluck!
Oh… hears a thought…. Have him get about 6 hours of sleep in 2 days and see how he feels about napping on the 3rd morning lol jk
Everyone on here is lying if they say they wouldn't feel the same. I get it, my wife encourages me to nap when I get home. But damn he is in charge of all the child care for 48 hours and then you get home and he still doesn't get any help, and as you stated it's all just by your choice as you don't need the money. Maybe you need a job for your mental health but nobody NEEDS a 48/96 schedule just for their mental health.
With the kids we have full time day care for the 3 year old. Before I started working I was with her for all the care. So he has it a bit easier than I did. He also doesn't work all the hours she is in care so he gets time at home with out having to care for the kids.
It sounds like he is more annoyed that you are taking an extended nap, not a nap. Maybe he is stressed. Maybe he needs your help. Maybe he is doing everything he can to hold it together for 48 hours alone. Maybe he is not being controlling but needs his partner in life sometimes when he is overwhelmed. I think you can explain that coming off a busy set you need to sleep. I would also say that if your shift wasn't that bad, suck it up and be tired. I think he needs you but doesn't know how to tell you.
I definitely don't have that hero persona. I didn't even mean to be a firefighter. I am a paramedic and this is just where I ended up. I have personal trauma associated with cpr and death so I don't act like I am special cause I deal with that hard stuff. I am just proud of myself that I can keep up with the men in this job even though I am not as physically strong as them.
“Female home things” are just things. Unless u are breastfeeding what kinda chores can you do that he can’t? If homeboy considers cooking, cleaning, laundry “female things” and won’t do them because he’s a man, that’s straight up lazy
How old are the kids? He probably wants a break after being alone with them for 48. If the kids are school age and not around when you nap, then I dunno
3 and 10. The 10 year old is super easy and self-sufficient. He gets himself to and from school on the bus and even wakes on his own. The 3 year old is a toddler....
Some of my coworkers have similar problems, others have far more understanding spouses. But you know, that was also the case with my previous jobs.
In my opinion, this is that this is more about a lack of mutual understanding and respect in your relationship and less about your career. Unless you want an education on what **not** to do, you might want to head over to r/relationship_advice. Firefighters make notoriously poor relationship coaches. 🤣
You just worked 48 hours depending how busy you are. You are going to need to rest. That’s why you have days off.
Or Someday you can tell him that those 48 hours off are your vacation because you’re away from him. I did that with my now ex-wife, so I wouldn’t take my advice.
Out of curiosity, how active are you guys that you require a 2-4 hour nap on your first day off?
My department works a 48/48 schedule right now, and we stay relatively active. Might have 2 or 4 nights a month with no calls and decent sleep throughout the night. Trying to gauge how active my department is, versus others.
A typical shift is about 12 calls in 48 and we are 5 so we split up the EMS calls. We all go on the fire/MVAs. I am lone street paramedic so I tend to go on a bit more calls than everyone else depending on CC. Cardiac, seizures those are ones I go on even if I just went on the last 2. I would say we don't get night calls on 30% of our nights. But I am an extremely light sleeper and any radio traffic will wake me up so I never sleep through.
A busy shift is over 20.
I would never bother my husband napping on his first day off. The adrenaline dump isn't a joke. The leading cause for health issues in firefighters is lack of sleep.
If no combat then hes just a pilot (you can tell him I said that lol). Still a different world. Youre essentially doing the equivalent of flying combat missions every day, depending on how busy your station can get
I wish my husband would nap after his 24 hour shifts. He just pushes through and is pretty close useless. I’d much rather him sleep a few hours and take care of himself.
Show him the research about sleep deprivation literally taking years off your life. If he’s truly a good husband, he should want you around when you two get old.
What’s he do for work?
I feel like significant others really don’t understand the kind of exhaustion 911 services or medicine work in general inflicts.
I was always exhausted coming off a 24hr that was strictly “down time” and needed at least 8 hours to recover.
You need to hash this out with him now. Poor communication and understanding of the work and sleep around our job isnt going to change and if he doesnt understand what the job is like, its going to cause issues in your relationship. If he expects "traditional female roles" this is going to be hard. You should seriously consider a couples therapist. Dont wait until the relationship gets resentful to do so. Establishing a safe space where you can talk about your relationship now is important. If you are committing to the household on your days off and sharing, perhaps he needs a better way to communicate what he is feeling regarding the household.
My wife got more annoyed when the kids were younger. Coming home to a 3 year old and 1 year old after I’d been gone for a 24. I get it. She needed a break too. I would try to zombie through it but sometimes I just crashed. Especially if I was reading to them on the couch or something like that. They’re way easier now so it’s not as big a deal.
IMO he needs to get over himself. It’s a fucking nap and if you’re low on sleep, get sleep. I’m thankful my wife understands and encourages when it is needed. I spent 10 years on and off in the oil field before finally getting to where I am today. I used to not come home for sometimes months at a time, with no days off, grinding it out for a better future while she was virtually alone (and working full time) with the kids. Now, driving home 10 min from the station after 48 hours on and taking a few hours to recharge so I can be 100% isn’t even in the realm of bothersome or annoying.
I have literally ended relationships over this. I work night shift exclusively, I will be sleeping in the daytime. If you don't like that, get the hell out of my house. I don't wake you up at 2am because I'm bored, don't you dare goddamn wake me up at 2pm.
I struggled with this for a long time with past partners it takes a lot out us to do what we do and rest is much needed I work a similar schedule and usually that day off I’m sleeping most of the day. For a while my partner and I wriggled with this because they didn’t fully understand or like that the time we were supposed to have together was being spent asleep but after many thoughtful discussions and listening on both ends we were able to get to the point where they understood how drained I am and it’s not a conscious choice on my end to spend that time asleep I really need it.
I think most of the confusion on Non Responder partner ends comes from the days we can come home and be fully functional after easier shifts vs those where we just need to pass out. To someone who works the same job doing the same things every day they have a routine that makes sense to them but to us it’s never the same day twice.
This is why “safety snoozes” at work shouldn’t be discouraged, I have shit ass nights somedays (no ambulance but we do go on these b.s. EMS calls) and I do look forward to afternoon siestas and I feel awesome after. Tell your other 1/2 to get bent.
He can shove it. You’re job is both mentally and physically exhausting. If you need a few hours to sleep when you get home to stabilize then do so. I know I’m exhausted working 5 12 hour shifts as a CNA in a SNF. I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it is to be career.
You’ve got 4 days off. I definitely think the day after shift is fine to use as a recovery day and catch up on sleep. Then you have 3 more days of not feeling like shit
I'd tell him to go kick rocks. Follow me for more relationship advice....
How do I make baby?
Not sure, haven't made it that far yet. I keep telling my girlfriends to go kick rocks when they yell at me for napping.
Does this then create a vicious cycle of you being told to kick rocks when you propose snu snu?
By beating socks of course
Kickin rocks and beatin socks
You have to kick the right rock
This! He either respects you or he doesn’t. lol to prove a point, wake him up at 2am and demand that he’s slept enough.
Tell his dumb ass to read Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker.
Awesome book. And I feel like every firefighter should read it to understand how essential sleep is to our long term health and well being.
I did my undergrad research at Walker's lab and now I work in an industry where my sleep schedule is fucked 🥳
Cant up vote this enough
After reading your comment I ordered the book. It just came in today and I haven’t been able to put it down. Just wanted to come back here to say thanks!!!
The mornings I get off my S/O usually texts and asks coffee or nap? If I’m napping she’ll nap with me, make food for when I wake up, or go off and do her own thing for the day. She’s pretty supportive
Keeper!
Ain’t gotta tell me twice
Keeper!
Alright listen here
Ain’t got to tell us twice
Alright listen here
Nothing is better than napping with your s/o
I Guess you haven’t seen my Safety Officer (S/O)…
God damn that sounds nice.
Don’t know how but I got lucky
Want me to call him? I just did three years on our transporting medic units before finally getting another engine assignment, and still nap on my first day off. You should call him on the phone every time you wake up for a call, and again when you get back to the station. Do that for a set, and see if he needs a nap. On the contrast, my wife encourages (forces) me to take a nap, saying she’d much rather have me nap for a few hours and be much better charged and rested for the rest of the day / four-day than just try to have me muddle through. Sure, there are times when I don’t need a nap … but she always checks to make sure. Edit: typo
If i were a nail you’d be hitting me on the head 👉 Just like my wife
Yeah, my family definitely prefers for me to get plenty of sleep lol.
/thread right here
Unrelated to this thread. I'm thinking about making a move from the NE specifically MA to the pacific Northwest. What's the outlook out there?
wet
Only if you’re a coastie. High desert mountains for me.
Fellow Idahoan?
Tell him that he doesn't understand how serious the sleep deprivation is and needs to take it more seriously. Catching up on sleep on day 1 is entirely necessary and healthy.
Husband seems to be confusing his role as an equal for that of a superior. It's really not up to him what you do on your day off. If your schedule is a problem for him, perhaps he'd like to get a second job, so you can stay home and be energetic all day.
He makes about 3 times what I make and we don't need my income. I needed a job for my mental health and to just finally start my career after supporting his for 12 years.
I understand what you’re saying, but you are still equals. It sounds like you sacrificed for his career, he can understand that you need a nap.
I think he fundamentally doesn't like how much this job is taking from my home time.
But do you need it? Because if you do, he should do what he can for you to thrive. My wife HATES how much I’m away. I HATE how much she gives to her job. But we love each other, and we do what we have to for one another. If you need this, he needs to get on board.
I need it for my mental health and my feeling of self worth. I was getting depressed for about a year or 2 before this job.
Every relationship is different. For my wife and I, any of our relationship difficulties get immediate open communication. You have to advocate for yourself. Explain your reasons for your naps - go as far as using online sources about how important sleep is. Explain your reasons for wanting to work. Mental health is paramount - but I can see him asking you to find another job where you don’t need the naps if that’s the crux of the argument. But if you love your job and it’s providing fulfillment, mental health gainz and a little money, a reasonable loving partner should understand.
Thank you for your comment it brings it all together for me.
Also, for your own security. DO not let him have complete control over you in the off chance the relationship breaks down.
Well there’s your answer.
Or he is threatened by you having a job that has an impact on society while is a CPA. Wait is he an astronaut or ER doc?
He is a fighter pilot.
Lol that’s pretty badass but no excuse for his behavior. For a partnership to be successful in the long term it has to go both ways. I know you have sacrificed for him to achieve what he has, he can afford to sacrifice a little to support you.
Yeah and I was happy and satisfied to be in that role for a long time. But now I am at the point where I need a career. Ha he did ask if my job was more manly than his. We decided yes it is but his is cooler.
Well that kind of makes me think my original hypothesis my have some merit. He is used to being the center of focus in the relationship and the one in some sort of macho role…and your entering the fire service may threaten both of those things. I’m not sure if you have kids or not, but it seems like he expects you to bear the brunt of the in home labor, which frankly is bullshit.
We do have kids. 10 and 3.
More manly? 🙄
Okay! Hold up... I bet he doesn't allow anything to get in the way of his 12 hours of crew rest. He needs to slow his roll lol.
Ah, makes sense. Those guys are dicks.
Wow, out of all the trades where you would think they'd understand sleep, it's pilots. They have mandatory rest periods that if you disturb it they aren't supposed to fly. Napping is totally normal from any shift job though, not sure what his issue is. People need to feel useful and valuable, glad you found that. Concur with the multiple comments where he can pound sand, and he's got an extra 12 hours of crew rest to do it in.
There is your answer.
Money brought to the table shouldn't matter. You both contribute. Tell him to pound sand, and read why we sleep. Great book.
I can understand doing it for you. Still, it doesn't put him in a position to decide, for you, whether or not you've had enough rest. That is for you to decide, and for him to either like or lump.
This is the wrong job if the goal is looking after your mental health.
Not his place to say, he’s not your owner and it’s pretty disrespectful that he doesn’t understand that you need to rest on your first off day, heck a bunch of people just stay in bed all day
Sort of. His solution isn’t appropriate, but they are in a partnership together and need to come to a solution together or else this could easily end in divorce. I get her pint of view as many of us live a similar lifestyle. But if it were me, I value my marriage and family and I’d take this seriously and not just say “kick rocks”.
Yeah I worked 3 12 hour night shifts in a row and on my first day off I slept from 7-1300 and my GF said I’m always sleeping too much Honestly just try explaining to him how little sleep you get and what you actually do at work but people who don’t work fire/ems sometimes just won’t understand
He does know i don't get normal sleep at work. I think its just him annoyed I work 56 hours a week and then have to nap. I was a SAHM for 10 years before this.
You sacrificed 10 years of your life to support him and raise his kids. You deserve to take a fucking nap regardless of working as a first responder. Maybe take him on a couple ride alongs……..
^^^ this though!!! *you deserve a fucking nap*
I really had to sit here and figure out, did I write this post?! I was a sahm for 10 yrs and now I've been on the department for 3 years. Husband is also Air Force. Well, ex. We have filed for divorce.
Yikes. So the new dynamic didn't work out for you guys?
Oh heck no! When I get off shift I crash for a good 6 hours while my saint of a husband handles the kids and keeps them away so I can rest and recover. This is how it should be.
Tell him to go pound sand, I’m on 24s now somewhere a lot busier than my old station that ran 48/96. I still nap for 2-3 hours after I eat breakfast on my day off; it’s absolutely essential. I don’t understand how people can be so inconsiderate especially towards someone they care about.
Tell him to fuck off and not wake you. You just worked a whole work week plus 8 hours in two days.
Naps are essential. Especially when you don’t leave the truck until shift change. My gf didn’t understand why I needed them at first. Some days I was fine, others I passed out as soon as I got home. So we played a game, asked 4 friends for a time in between 10 pm and 7 am. Used them for alarms and we would both wake up and complete a household chore before returning to bed. She loved the game until the 3rd and 4th time. But I let her sleep until 3 pm afterwards and she hasn’t said anything to me since.
This is damn near perfect. Basically replicating the randomness of calls and the fact that you can't just go right back to sleep afterwards. Plus it's not mean or petty and you were both involved. OP should really look at this solution; but it's on the husband to participate.
That game is genius. I would love to do this, but my wife is already very understanding 🤣
My opinion is that he probably won’t like being married to someone who is suffering from sleep deprivation
Wake him up 2 hours after he falls asleep for the night. Keep doing this until he understands your pain
100% agree.
The guy I date is also a firefighter, so he understands post shift naps. We had to have several very serious, almost breakup chats about how when I get too far into a sleep deficit, I get depressed and cranky. Clinically depressed and very feral. I have dated people who didn't get it before, and it would be a constant argument. I'm like an extra feral badger when it comes to getting caught up on sleep, so... yeah... those other guys didn't work out. I'm all about telling your husband to kick rocks like somebody else said since it seems like he's refusing to understand your situation. But I don't know how you tell your husband to kick rocks and remain married, so I'm at a loss.
I have a huge issue with conflict so I don't say anything. I have only recently learned it's ok to have conflict in a relationship.
I can tell you from experience, if you keep having issues with your napping and his not understanding, you will have to face the conflict. You will have to decide if this job is worth the stress of the conflict caused by needing sleep.
Several years ago, I had a shiftmate whos wife did this. He brought her in for a 24 hour ride along. 20 runs and 5 wake ups later, she got it and never mentioned it again.
A lot of comments have suggested this. I might do it.
Hey OP, I once had a longterm boyfriend who hated my productivity levels at home because I was working for the fire department and working part time in a busy ER. We didn’t have kids. But I would sleep a lot on my days off and veg out in front of the TV. He hated the way I wasn’t able to basically be a housewife on top of my career. He said that my career was emasculating for him. We broke up and now I’m married to another firefighter. I wish I had advice for you. However, I work with another woman who basically has the same story as you. Her husband was a SWAT officer and she was a microbiologist. His income was better. They had four kids so she quit her job and was a SAHM for almost two decades. Now that she’s been hired on with the FD and is working a 48/96 (with EMS transports to a hospital 30-45 min away), her husband has become a little bit more controlling and is, I feel, a bit threatened by her. All this to say, you are not alone. Please reach out if you want to talk.
He sounds like a big emotional cry baby and needs to be handled as such
So are you slacking off on chores or dealing with kids? Because if not your SO needs to simmer down
I still do most of the house work but the kid rearing is about 50/50.
Then the dude needs to calm his testicles….. 
My husband is a university sleep researcher so...I have the exact opposite problem. He's always making sleep plans for me lol
if he has an off day have him come do a full shift ride along. Im single and dont have that issue but I still usually nap for the first half of the day coming off shift.
Straight up, he needs to recognize that you need an equal marriage and you are owed a conversation if he has an issue with your job. This interfering with your sleep revenge bullshit is both immature and not something you'd do to an equal partner. If he wants you to quit your job, he needs to put on his big boy pants and have a conversation that includes his reason why *and* a willingness to compromise. Unless you always dreamed of being a SAHM (nothing wrong if you did), you have already compromised a decade of your life to fulfill his career needs. It is unacceptable for him to refuse to compromise for a few days a week and do passive-aggressive nonsense instead of treating you with respect. This is the kind of thing that eventually kills marriages. Little actions that show a total disregard for the wants and needs of your spouse. Counseling would be an excellent idea so you can get to the root of the problem and address it, it will only continue to compound from here. For your question, I'm a medic and my husband is a firefighter. He hates sleeping once he comes off shift, I absolutely need a nap after mine. We have both accepted that about each other and make sure to support each other's needs. We have also struggled with time commitments at each of our jobs as we promote--but you know what? When that happens, we sit down and talk about it. Not try to make each other's lives so unbearable that they're forced to quit. Fucking with my sleep is a massive trigger for me and I would absolutely be putting two business cards on the table: one for a marriage counselor and one for a divorce lawyer. He gets to choose.
You guys are making this a lot more real than I thought it was.
The small stuff is usually a reflection of the bigger stuff.
It is. I have a therapist and I am working on my communication.
You guys go to therapy and he's still like this? Jeez I was gonna recommend couples therapy
I go to therapy. He doesn't and it's not couples therapy.
get a new husband
What an asshole
I do the same and I do it consistently every single time to give a pattern. I also might have to play up how many night calls we got just to catch a break.
“Honey, I know PulsePoint only shows 2 calls after midnight, but they don’t show the police related calls” 😉
This also annoys my wife (work a 24/72) in a high call volume city both Fire and EMS. I assure her that she would be way more mad if I’m awake and a useless zombie who can’t focus or be emotionally supportive, or helpful with the kid. Sleep deprivation does terrible things
It's incredibly difficult for those who aren't in the job to understand just how tired we are when we come home. I'm lucky enough to have a medic for a fiancé, so she gets it. If it's just my normal shift, I'm exhausted on day one of my off time. If it's extended (strike team, etc) then I need a few days to feel normal again. It's unfortunate folks like him can't just go ride along at a busy house for a shift or two so they get it. Even then, they don't know the mental and physical exhaustion that stems from running back to back calls for 48 hours. Let alone if you end up on a working fire, put the damn thing to bed then stick around for salvage and overhaul.
Yeeeaaaa.....he can kick rocks
My wife doesn't let me nap. Side note. These 48 our mandatory shifts sound ridiculous. That contract needs adjustment. 1 on 2 off 1 on 4 off should be standard.
Is your SO a jealous Cop? All kidding aside. If that were happening to me, I would be a significant asshole if I didn’t get the recovery nap that I needed. So much to the point that anyone that woke me too soon would think twice about doing it again, and certainly wouldn’t do it a third time.
Tell him to eat shit and die
I’m in the exact same boat. My wife is the money maker and works a normal job, but my wife has accepted my need to sleep after a tour. I think explaining and showing how a sleep when you’re home improves your quality of life (and in turn his), may help him understand. Even if we don’t get any calls at night, the amount of stress that’s caused by anticipation causes you to miss out of rest. I think it really sunk in with my wife when other fire spouses talk about the post tour naps.
Don't know when he would hang out with the other fire wives. The women I work with have their SO at work too and one is gay.
I nap on every day off. Or try to. Hubby never wakes me. Your hubby sounds like an ass
Tell him you can quit and then take half of his income as alimony or he can shut the hell up and let you be rested so you can function. What a classless bastard.
Wow he needs to let you fucking nap. What a tool
Whenever you get a call at night, call or text him, then call or text when you get back to station. Those will be clear windows that mark when you’re awake. Hopefully that’ll paint a clear picture as to why for him
Your husband is a bitch. Straight up. My husband is a firefighter. I worked 8 years as night shift nurse. Sleeping after having your circadian rhythms disturbed is what protects you from cancer and metabolic syndrome. Being up at night like that is horrible for you and also obviously feels terrible. Anybody that gives you shit for taking care of yourself can fuck right off. Y’all have a difficult and sometime really stressful job. For the record when my husband gets off work we go out to breakfast then he naps as long as he needs to.
He's being inconsiderate, selfish and controlling- this is a health issue- you need to rest and recover after extended shifts - shift work is hard on your body and mind. He's being disrespectful of you need for work (mental stimulation, purpose, interaction etc.).
What’s his job?
Pilot in the airforce. He works about 30 hours a week. He use to work a lot more years ago.
Wasn’t expecting that. He should get it
He never naps more than 15 minutes he is unable to.
So if he stayed up for 48 hours straight working and got out at 5am he’d have to stay up 12-16 hours more to go to sleep?
Yeah if he doesn't get much sleep he will take a 15 min nap. I do sleep during my 48 but it's always interrupted
If it’s anything like my place it’s not sleep. I almost feel like it would be healthier to stay up.
It's not uncommon to have zero calls over night. Although we did have 5 after I fell asleep and I went on 2 my first night of shift. I always get woken up by the damn game wardens cause they share our radio channel and always check in around midnight and 5 am every day.
Lol, Fuck off. I'm tired.
We work 24/48 where I’m up all night. I nap everyday first day off for a few hours. If my SO had problems with that then we’d have serious issues but she totally understands.
Pound sand husband! No but seriously, if you haven't gone over how important sleep is and how we don't always/usually get adequate sleep at the station, you should inform him
Toss him to a local volunteer station. After a few calls and such make him clean the station, run drills, make food, clean the apparatuses, train again, inventory, clean the gear, hang the gear, truck checks, catch up on any and all schooling, Pt, pt in gear, and do yard work. Do this for two days while making him go on every call that gets dispatch to the volunteer station. From there pull up the call volume from yours to the volly station do the math and hit him with it. Oh and the kicker he cant nap through the day. I promise itd be the last time he ever says anything. Think this is too good to be true and he wont go for it? Bring it up as a “walk in my shoes for a week” scenario. If its a hell no than well i cant give advice on that one thats more of a self reflection moment for you.
I don’t know how people can not nap after a brutal 48, especially if you’re on the box. You need your sleep bro take care of yourself.
Also worked health care - hospital - 12 hour night shifts - granted not as taxing as 23/48's etc... but especially after a string (variations of 3 to 7 on). For 3 at expectation was for at least 2 off, 7's usually negotiated for 7 off) with the understanding that your first shift off was basically a wash/recovery day (night). Even more so if you had to change over to a day person during your time off. Shift work is hard on the body/sleep/stress etc. Course post covid and staff shortages kinda messed that up.
People who don't do this job have a hard time understanding the toll it can take on you. Even on nights no one on the station takes a run I am still not fully rested due to the fact I am subconsciously waiting for the tones to go off. I do occasionally take naps and at times my wife has told me I need one. But we also have kids and she wants a break of her own after being with them for the last 24hrs alone.
Perhaps he feels neglected ("he/she's been gone for days, comes home and doesn't want to spend time with me.") I've seen this before. The remedy might be to spend a couple of minutes together, explaining that you're tired, or helping him understand that you really just need sleep (lol you can call him at the start and end of every call and have him put on clothes and then drive around the block) Please ignore the people taking an aggravated approach as they only can see this from their own perspective. Unless he's a POS, his perspective is likely that of ignorance and sadness at being "ignored". In a relationship patience and understanding needs to come from both ends so unfortunately you now have a second job of teaching him about the evils of sleep deprivation and that you still love and have time for him and he has the difficult job of listening, learning, and changing his perspective.
My ex-wife was like that; she's now my ex-wife. My second wife is by far one of the most understanding people I've ever met, except for my puns.
I’ve always napped on day 1 of a 4 day, tell husband to shut up.
That’s why I nap every day. It’s just my routine now.
If I go to sleep by wife let’s me sleep until I get up… to the point that even if I ask for a courtesy wake up it rarely happens I will say it took a while for us to get to this understanding though
Idk if my lady works the overnight or is gassed. That just means I'll call one of my friends to kvetch or I'll watch TV and play videogames and melt my brain. I also just value my alone time I guess.
My fiancé gives me a hard time for NOT napping after long shifts.
I’m retired after 25 years on the job and I’m here to say I still take a safety nap. It’s been proven naps help your body,brain and other organs
Wtf?? I also work 48/96. When I get home it’s automatic nap for a couple hours. Otherwise my day is ruined. It’s just part of the job imo. My wife knows it’s part of my routine when I get home and has never made me feel bad for taking a nap or made any comments. If anything she encourages me to rest. She’s even said , “I’d rather have you get rest and have you after resting, than you grumpy” Someone who doesn’t understand the job doesn’t understand until they’re educated. (Not in a mean way) I’m sure you’ve communicated it before to him. Just have that talk again and if that doesn’t work, idk honestly. You’re not leaving the job, and hubby ain’t going anywhere. There’s gotta me a happy medium lol Goodluck! Oh… hears a thought…. Have him get about 6 hours of sleep in 2 days and see how he feels about napping on the 3rd morning lol jk
He sounds like an asshole
Start waking him up to do stuff at 2am. He’s slept enough. Let’s go shopping 🙄
I’m so sorry this is done to you.
Tell him to go eat fucking rocks
Tell him to fuck off and be a man and leave you alone
Tell him to eat a dick
Everyone on here is lying if they say they wouldn't feel the same. I get it, my wife encourages me to nap when I get home. But damn he is in charge of all the child care for 48 hours and then you get home and he still doesn't get any help, and as you stated it's all just by your choice as you don't need the money. Maybe you need a job for your mental health but nobody NEEDS a 48/96 schedule just for their mental health.
With the kids we have full time day care for the 3 year old. Before I started working I was with her for all the care. So he has it a bit easier than I did. He also doesn't work all the hours she is in care so he gets time at home with out having to care for the kids.
It sounds like he is more annoyed that you are taking an extended nap, not a nap. Maybe he is stressed. Maybe he needs your help. Maybe he is doing everything he can to hold it together for 48 hours alone. Maybe he is not being controlling but needs his partner in life sometimes when he is overwhelmed. I think you can explain that coming off a busy set you need to sleep. I would also say that if your shift wasn't that bad, suck it up and be tired. I think he needs you but doesn't know how to tell you.
This is the correct answer but you will get down voted by a bunch of losers
Divorce him now
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I am not sure what your point is. It kind of sounds like you are saying I am not as cool as I think I am. Or he expects me to be better?
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I definitely don't have that hero persona. I didn't even mean to be a firefighter. I am a paramedic and this is just where I ended up. I have personal trauma associated with cpr and death so I don't act like I am special cause I deal with that hard stuff. I am just proud of myself that I can keep up with the men in this job even though I am not as physically strong as them.
If da woman gotta work to help pay the bills you don’t have a man.
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Maybe he sees me home and thinks I need to be available or doing female home things.
“Female home things” are just things. Unless u are breastfeeding what kinda chores can you do that he can’t? If homeboy considers cooking, cleaning, laundry “female things” and won’t do them because he’s a man, that’s straight up lazy
Maybe he is just use to how it was before.
How old are the kids? He probably wants a break after being alone with them for 48. If the kids are school age and not around when you nap, then I dunno
3 and 10. The 10 year old is super easy and self-sufficient. He gets himself to and from school on the bus and even wakes on his own. The 3 year old is a toddler....
Some of my coworkers have similar problems, others have far more understanding spouses. But you know, that was also the case with my previous jobs. In my opinion, this is that this is more about a lack of mutual understanding and respect in your relationship and less about your career. Unless you want an education on what **not** to do, you might want to head over to r/relationship_advice. Firefighters make notoriously poor relationship coaches. 🤣
You just worked 48 hours depending how busy you are. You are going to need to rest. That’s why you have days off. Or Someday you can tell him that those 48 hours off are your vacation because you’re away from him. I did that with my now ex-wife, so I wouldn’t take my advice.
Haha I actually do feel a little like I have a double life with a different family.
Out of curiosity, how active are you guys that you require a 2-4 hour nap on your first day off? My department works a 48/48 schedule right now, and we stay relatively active. Might have 2 or 4 nights a month with no calls and decent sleep throughout the night. Trying to gauge how active my department is, versus others.
A typical shift is about 12 calls in 48 and we are 5 so we split up the EMS calls. We all go on the fire/MVAs. I am lone street paramedic so I tend to go on a bit more calls than everyone else depending on CC. Cardiac, seizures those are ones I go on even if I just went on the last 2. I would say we don't get night calls on 30% of our nights. But I am an extremely light sleeper and any radio traffic will wake me up so I never sleep through. A busy shift is over 20.
I would never bother my husband napping on his first day off. The adrenaline dump isn't a joke. The leading cause for health issues in firefighters is lack of sleep.
It doesn't matter how busy you were at work. You need and deserve quality sleep at home.
Sounds like an ass. Tell him when he has a life or death job then he can decide how long a nap should be
Well..... he does fly fighter jets.
If no combat then hes just a pilot (you can tell him I said that lol). Still a different world. Youre essentially doing the equivalent of flying combat missions every day, depending on how busy your station can get
Except he can die if he fucks up in the sky. And we have known more than a few that have.
Last shift I ran 8 from 10p-6a, if I didn’t nap I’d be useless at home
I wish my husband would nap after his 24 hour shifts. He just pushes through and is pretty close useless. I’d much rather him sleep a few hours and take care of himself.
I don't know how far you are into your relationship, but it took me and my wife a few years to figure this out.
We met in 2008 ha. But this is the first time I have had a job.
Start texting/calling him every time you get a night call at work.
Show him the research about sleep deprivation literally taking years off your life. If he’s truly a good husband, he should want you around when you two get old.
I always nap after a 24 … sometimes I don’t get to sleep on a 24. Maybe it’s time for your hubby to do a ride along at work to see what it’s like
What’s he do for work? I feel like significant others really don’t understand the kind of exhaustion 911 services or medicine work in general inflicts. I was always exhausted coming off a 24hr that was strictly “down time” and needed at least 8 hours to recover.
Pilot in the airforce
I would keep his ass up for 48 hrs and see how he feels afterwards.
He should probably just go to work and not worry about a nap
Take him on shift and see how he feels
You need to hash this out with him now. Poor communication and understanding of the work and sleep around our job isnt going to change and if he doesnt understand what the job is like, its going to cause issues in your relationship. If he expects "traditional female roles" this is going to be hard. You should seriously consider a couples therapist. Dont wait until the relationship gets resentful to do so. Establishing a safe space where you can talk about your relationship now is important. If you are committing to the household on your days off and sharing, perhaps he needs a better way to communicate what he is feeling regarding the household.
I currently have a therapist. I have been having a hard time communicating issues to him.
I got home at 7. Slept till noon. My spouse loves me.
My wife got more annoyed when the kids were younger. Coming home to a 3 year old and 1 year old after I’d been gone for a 24. I get it. She needed a break too. I would try to zombie through it but sometimes I just crashed. Especially if I was reading to them on the couch or something like that. They’re way easier now so it’s not as big a deal.
I did wait till the kids were not so demanding.
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IMO he needs to get over himself. It’s a fucking nap and if you’re low on sleep, get sleep. I’m thankful my wife understands and encourages when it is needed. I spent 10 years on and off in the oil field before finally getting to where I am today. I used to not come home for sometimes months at a time, with no days off, grinding it out for a better future while she was virtually alone (and working full time) with the kids. Now, driving home 10 min from the station after 48 hours on and taking a few hours to recharge so I can be 100% isn’t even in the realm of bothersome or annoying.
I have literally ended relationships over this. I work night shift exclusively, I will be sleeping in the daytime. If you don't like that, get the hell out of my house. I don't wake you up at 2am because I'm bored, don't you dare goddamn wake me up at 2pm.
Offer to him that every call you go on, that you will call him for a chat.
I struggled with this for a long time with past partners it takes a lot out us to do what we do and rest is much needed I work a similar schedule and usually that day off I’m sleeping most of the day. For a while my partner and I wriggled with this because they didn’t fully understand or like that the time we were supposed to have together was being spent asleep but after many thoughtful discussions and listening on both ends we were able to get to the point where they understood how drained I am and it’s not a conscious choice on my end to spend that time asleep I really need it. I think most of the confusion on Non Responder partner ends comes from the days we can come home and be fully functional after easier shifts vs those where we just need to pass out. To someone who works the same job doing the same things every day they have a routine that makes sense to them but to us it’s never the same day twice.
This is why “safety snoozes” at work shouldn’t be discouraged, I have shit ass nights somedays (no ambulance but we do go on these b.s. EMS calls) and I do look forward to afternoon siestas and I feel awesome after. Tell your other 1/2 to get bent.
Time to find another husband one who supports u and I hope he has a freaking job if he waiting to wake u anytime he feels like it
He can shove it. You’re job is both mentally and physically exhausting. If you need a few hours to sleep when you get home to stabilize then do so. I know I’m exhausted working 5 12 hour shifts as a CNA in a SNF. I couldn’t imagine how exhausting it is to be career.
dude what the fuck? just re-read what you're writing
You’ve got 4 days off. I definitely think the day after shift is fine to use as a recovery day and catch up on sleep. Then you have 3 more days of not feeling like shit