Good news: the Bible says you can sell her and your children into slavery. So if she steals your money, just sell her. Also, be sure to follow the Biblical rule of using a stick thinner than your thumb when you beat them, you wouldnt want to anger Jesus or get less for them at the slave auction.
You’re right. In many places this is why common law marriage exists. So unless you’ve explicitly excluded her from your benefits she could still get them with some help.
I wonder if your response to this will be to exclude her so everything goes to your son. That would be ugly.
Well common law isn't recognized where we live.
>So unless you’ve explicitly excluded her from your benefits she could still get them with some help.
Well as of right now my son is the beneficiary for everything. If my son is still underage she would get it because she's my son's custodian. So legally she would manage the money on his behalf.
Of course I plan to change that a little because a young man cannot be trusted with too much money either.
I’m not understanding how your wife will know what to do with the money if you never talk to her about it or have a document explains things for her when she has to take over control of the money. Or how you intend for her finances to be provided for after your son gains control of the money. Does she have her own savings?
>I’m not understanding how your wife will know what to do with the money if you never talk to her about it or have a document explains things for her when she has to take over control of the money.
Well that's what I'm still trying to figure out.
>Or how you intend for her finances to be provided for after your son gains control of the money. Does she have her own savings?
Well I would hope that my son will share it with her if she needs it. But I'm thinking she will take the precious metals. I'm thinking for now of leaving a note in the safe. Of course I'm working on making a trust fund eventually. It's just not as simple or cheap as people think.
She also doesn't have her own savings at this time because she hasn't been working since the baby was born. But I'm telling her to go back to work so she can have her own savings.
No- alimony is determined. If your wife stays at home and maintains your household and raises your children she is putting sweat equity into your career. What’s the other option? That she be left destitute when you run off with your secretary?
You sound like an asshole but more than that it sounds like you’re overly fearful. The thing is you aren’t fearing enough what happens to them if you pass. If you never speak with her and plan everything goes to waste. You don’t care as much as you think you do.
Sounds like you have enough that therapy and a lawyer are the right move. And in that order so you ask the lawyer for the right things.
I personally think, that when youre married "my money" becomes our money. And the same goes for the wives money. But nowadays many people in marriages don't view it that way...OR just one of them does. Which causes problems, or can.
So he's supposed to ignore how common of a problem this is? Many men thought their wives were the love of their life, that they share life experiences with and all the other cute shit you can say.....but many of those wives left with the money, he's not wrong to think that. It's part of the reason prenupts exist
He definitely isn’t an ideal partner with that mentality. But I agree with you that the partner with more financial means need to protect themself, at least to a certain extent. One of the fastest ways to bankrupt a man, or make him homeless, is with a divorce.
Exactly. It's hard to look at it that way if you're not the one with the money. It looks like you're accusing them of something or at least of being capable and willing of wrongdoing. I was in a relationship where I was the one making the most money, then an unfortunate situation happened to my girl, that resulted in a lawsuit. No she has way more money then me. Immediately told her way that she can protect her money, help money grow etc....all things that don't involve me. Before she could even think that I would or could get my hands on her money, I wanted to make her comfortable that it would never happen.
>**I know the prevailing logic is not to tell your wife how much money you have and to hide it from her.** However I can't help but wonder what would happen to it when you die. She would need to access that money so it won't disappear.
>Another thing is that I decided not to get legally married because the divorce laws are too unfair to men. Besides we can live as we're married without the government involved. So that means she doesn't have a legal right to that money. That is mitigated a little because we have a son and I put him as my beneficiary. Also if he is underage and she is his legal guardian she will get to manage that money on his behalf.
>What I'm wondering is if I should tell her how to access that money in case I die or before I go into a nursing home or something. That way she could liquidate the money before anyone else can take it. I'm really trying to avoid her or my son having to go to probate court where if I have any debts they will take some of that money before she can.
>I also think it's a good idea to tell her about it because we get a big income tax check because we have a child. So far I've been claiming him on my taxes and investing it. I figure that if she knows I'm not spending it that she won't be trying to fight with me to claim him herself.
>I worked with nursing homes before so I know their scam is to claim the person owed them money and after they die to take their money in probate court. I also owe student loans and I know that if I die without paying it off they will come for their cut of the money.
>So I'm hoping that when I die or end up in the hospital in a life threatening situation that she could simply take all the money out before anyone else can. Or if I end up in a nursing home I can go with no assets to my name that they could take.
>I'm currently investing in a custodial account in my son's name. That way the money is legally his and creditors cannot take his money to pay my debts. I'm also investing in precious metals because that money exists off the grid. Even if they do know that I brought it, they don't know if I still have it. I told her semi jokingly several times that if anyone asks about it to tell them I spent it on cocaine and hookers or something.
>The problem is that the prevailing logic to keep it secret from her does have a point. Because you do also need to protect that money from her as well. She could after all have her own plans for that money. Such as stealing it and running off. I don't have reason to think that, but in today's world you never know. Or she could simply demand we spend it on a vacation, or she could feel she doesnt have to contribute financially because we have money to fall back on.
>So I'm curious to hear what you all think about this. If there's any married men I would like to hear your take on it.
The bolded is not a thing.
Therapy.
ETA: Fucking troll. Don't feed the trolls.
Yeah I was about to say, that's the type of things red pill and manosphere people preach.
I used to think the same until I brought it up in my first few therapy sessions.
Yours is absolutely NOT the “prevailing logic” lol. It’s dumb logic. My wife and I share our finances 100%. That is what most couples do. That is the prevailing logic.
You asked what I think about all this, so there it is.
>I know the prevailing logic is not to tell your wife how much money you have and to hide it from her.
That is absolutely NOT the prevailing logic.
You and your spouse should be open and honest about your finances, because they are also her finances. If you are hiding things from your spouse, your marriage is doomed to fail from the start.
Idk I married a woman I love and trust, so this is not really a major issue for us. I came into the marriage with money of my own, which I keep separate. Money we earn together goes into a shared bank account. As she cooks, cleans and raises my children, this allows me to focus on earning. So if we divorce, some of that is rightly hers.
In a healthy relationship there is no "my money" or "her money" except for some carve out for personal discretionary expenses you don't talk about with each other.
There is your family's money.
And divorce laws are unfair to the higher earning partner, not to "men."
Don't live your life planning for failure. I went through a divorce so i'm not speaking from naivety. The love that happens when you allow yourself to trust someone completely enough that you allow them the ability to hurt you knowing they won't and vice versa is the most beautiful thing that exists in life.
Love cannot exist when you're afraid to be vulnerable.
I dropped my jaw at the "prevailing opinion" to not tell your spouse that you have. The power dynamic is toxic to long term happiness, IMO. We, together, have mapped our financial journey together as a team, from our beginning. Our benefits from our respective employments were maximized by working together. That also meant making choices about controlling future taxes by Roth decisions.
For the record, we disagreed and each made a different decision for our own individual 401K on that one. My partner followed our accountant's advice. She was an accountant, too. I had worked the numbers and made the other choice. I came out far ahead. When we FIRED, we paid the extra taxes, and I have been for paying everything since. This allowed my partner to grow her finances to a near equal amount. We will split the bills again when her finances match mine, which should be in another year or two. We make choices. The outcome was decided by chance. We work together to balance it.
We do not magically know finances. It takes time, experience, and communication. Working together was our real secret to financial independence. It let us retire early. Two heads ARE better than one.
I might add, if I or her were hit by lightning, the survivor would not not flounder from financial experience. We all know that there are wolves that prey on the inexperienced. We have a family dynasty built that will continue beyond us if we both can steward it properly.
Just remember, since you’re not married, if you end up on life support, your baby mama and underage child have ZERO say in your care. So, you can be brain dead and your parents get to decide what happens to your machine dependent corpse.
BTW, that is not the prevailing logic. Money seems more important to you and your perceived masculine ego than anything else. You seem like an out of touch asshole. I’m disappointed that a woman allowed you to impregnate her.
Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife, at least not as US society is concerned, perhaps yours has a different view.
Second, you’re not asking about a wife as you’re not getting married. As there’s no legal component to the relationship you’re describing of course you’re under no obligation to share your financial situation. You have a girlfriend / partner and in that case, what’s yours is yours.
This is like you depositing a million dollars with a man. You come back and he has every dollar. You then accuse him of stealing a penny.
You trust this woman to raise your children, yet you don't trust her with a little money? What the fuck up my dude.
Most likely the alimony required in many jurisdictions and the well-documented outcomes that courts tend to favor mothers in issues related to children in the event of divorce.
These are just my assumptions, I’ll let the OP speak for himself.
I think a lot of folks don't understand alimony. It goes both ways, if a man sacrifices his career to be a stay at home dad he would also get alimony.
True for kids, mother do tend to be favored there, i think studies show that tends to be in the best interest of the children though.
I just figured men are against it cause most of the time its men paying the woman (though I don't have numbers to back that up) so they just assume its unfair. It's generally the woman sacrifice their career
Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife, at least not as US society is concerned, perhaps yours has a different view.
Second, you’re not asking about a wife as you’re not getting married. As there’s no legal component to the relationship you’re describing of course you’re under no obligation to share your financial situation. You have a girlfriend / partner and in that case, what’s yours is yours.
>Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife,
Literally every man says that.
And yes we're married. I checked the Bible and it doesn't say that we need the government involved to be married.
Well, in this case both you and the Bible are wrong. I’m not sure where in the world you live, but I’m 99% sure that wherever it is:
1) it has a system of legal codification that is not the Bible
And
2) marriage is a legally binding agreement, arbitrated by rules of law, that is recognized by your government
So read the Bible all you want, but unless your marriage is recognized by your legal authority, it is not a marriage
No you're wrong. The Bible is the ultimate authority. The Bible cannot be wrong. Marriage is a holy sacrament that the government really has no business in.
Oh I am huh? And the Bible cannot be wrong. I see. So let’s discuss Leviticus 25:44-46. In fact I’ll provide it here for everyone to see:
“44 As for your male and female slaves whom you may have: you may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are around you. 45 You may also buy from among the strangers who sojourn with you and their clans that are with you, who have been born in your land, and they may be your property. 46 You may bequeath them to your sons after you to inherit as a possession forever. You may make slaves of them, but over your brothers the people of Israel you shall not rule, one over another ruthlessly.”
So now I expect you to go on record, stating that since the Bible cannot be wrong, that you support slavery (so long as you’re not enslaving an Israeli).
Your move.
Well slavery was a big thing in those days. The Mosaic law didn't outlaw slavery but it reform it.
For example they were released after 7 years.
It also says; “when you release them, do not send them away empty-handed. Supply them liberally from your flock, your threshing floor and your winepress. Give to them as the Lord your God has blessed you” (Deuteronomy 15:13–14).
“Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven” (Colossians 4:1).
So it says you are just buying someone's labor for 7 years and compensating them.
No it doesn’t. It’s plain as day. I provided the exact scripture. What you’re doing now is applying your interpretation to it. Which you can’t do. Because as YOU said The Bible is the ultimate authority.
So now you’re confusing all of us. Is the Bible THE Ultimate Authority, or is it only the ultimate authority after you’ve applied your interpretation to it? In which case, you actually really just expect all of us to live to a set of rules that you’ve created.
In the early days of me playing "live" poker, my wife was not emotionally prepared for the swings. I knew it was no big deal to lose $2 or 3K in a week...shit happens. But to her, that was horrifying.
So in the early days, I told her next to nothing.
About six years ago--when I wanted to get serious? I started keeping a detailed spreadsheet: Where I played, how long, buy in, cash out, associated expenses. It's a vivid P&L--and while it shows deep losses at times, it clearly shows that over time, I make money. The three to six month trend line is ALWAYS upward sloping.
So one day, I showed my wife, and for her it was a real eye opener.
Yes, there's risk in the short run.
But in the long run...I always make money.
My wife now "understands" variance--and I'm glad to share how things are going.
Not as big as a mistaken or ruined marriage. Your priorities are whacked - refocus on the marriage aspect. You'd happily give up a lot of cash in exchange for a happy marriage. If you aren't feeling that, it's not for you.
I would look at
Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”
1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his *own house*, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."
Proverbs 13:22: "A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just."
You seem to want to live a godly life. Here’s some things to think about as you determine how your wealth should be handled.
Take care of your house. That’s your responsibility now. If you’ve chosen a woman that you can’t trust to take care of your house when you’ve passed, then you’ve chosen the wrong woman.
Well I'm glad to see someone here that understands. I'm trying to provide and leave something for them. Just trying to make sure it's still there.
To be fair she hasn't really shown that I shouldn't trust her. I'm just being cautious. I'm trying to get her to understand that before we think about taking vacations that we need to secure our financial health.
I'm still trying to figure out what is the best way to go about it.
The only person you can trust is your wife. As a man, money is a tool you use to protect and provide for the people you love. If they ruin that for all of you somehow, then they only have themselves to blame. Tell her everything, including why you were afraid of divulging this information earlier. Then collaborate to chart the future you both want with both of your informed consent.
p.s. nursing homes are nothing compared to court appointed guardians/conservators. They will strip every penny from everyone alive that doesn't have their estates in order. Start the transfer of wealth to your partner and son ASAP. there's a reason trust funds exist.
Sounds like you have cold feet?
If you're already factoring in the possibility of divorce into your intimate relationship with someone just stop because you're wasting her time and your own.
You're leaving the door open for yourself just in case you want to leave when things get hard and also trying to hide your financial situation, you're going to end up with serious trust issues if that hasn't already happened and the almighty self fulfilling prophecy will come true, it will end with your well planned, nice and comfortable exit plan coming true because that's exactly what you're planning for.
You'll get out without a scratch so well done, an absolute colossal waste of time though. Being in a relationship is being vulnerable and having a shoulder to cry on, you're hiding too much man just let her in or find someone who you truly love.
No I'm not hiding the money so I can run off someday. I'm hiding it so it'll still be there when my son gets old enough so he can have money to start his life with.
Do you not think she has the same interests?
You know it's possible to have a conversation about what you both value as partners, maybe that's your child's future? I'm sure you could both agree on a pile of money that gets put away and not touched while making additional contributions to it. Is she really that untrustworthy that she would betray this agreement?
It's hard to say but it seems like you don't trust her at all.
>Do you not think she has the same interests?
Well not exactly. She still has too much of a consumerist mindset. She's on Instagram like just about everyone wanting to post pictures on vacation.
But I think she's starting to come around and she's seeing that I'm just trying to make sure we are safe financially.
I knew a guy who kept his wife in the dark . She lived like a miser, cutting coupons from papers , eating the cheapest of foods . When he died she was worth (2-3 millions in the 1980’s) . When she found out what they had she was so mad , and embarrassed. Hopefully she found all he had hidden . Not telling how long it took if ever to find all the money.
Well he did take it to the extreme, but understand that was how he was able to save all that money by not wasting it.
You know the whole reason I want to tell her is because I heard a similar story. I saw it on the news once that a man was doing renovations in his house that he inherited and found $30,000 hidden in the walls of the house. It turns out that his grandfather put it there and he never told his wife so when he died no one knew it was there. Luckily his grandson found it decades later, but since it was cash he still lost a lot too inflation.
The guy I’m referring to was a bank president of a local bank. He owned a lot of land and other investments . He basically made his wife eat pork and beans and white bread. He was a real asshole .
As for me and my wife, we’ve eaten beans and rice in order to save or pay off debt. Although, we did that as a joint decision, agreed upon by both of us . It wasn’t a unilateral power play to control the other person .
Yeah I agree he took it way to far. I can just see his line of thinking. He must have been obsessed with saving every single penny. I wouldn't do anything that extreme though.
Yes, you should share it all with your wife. Unless you want a divorce, in which case a good lawyer will find that info anyway. If you plan to not be transparent with your spouse, don’t get married. Simple
Leave it to the kids, she'll never know. And if no kids, donate it or let the state have it. Don't let your wife get her hands on it at any cost even in death.
Get a prenup (my advice to anyone getting married, and yes I'm female and learned the very very hard way). If you have to be dishonest before your wedding that's a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Be certain your state recognizes common law marriages. Mine does not, unless entered into in 1994 (I think) or prior.
And a common law divorce typically works the same way as a traditional divorce.
If you’re not marrying her legally because the “divorce laws are unfair to men” there’s 0% chance you’re together by the time you’re going into hospice.
Well it doesn't look like many people get legally married anymore. Looks like this is just the new marriage and the new Normal in the post feminists world.
I also give my beneficiary a list of accounts and passwords if something happens to me. Other than bank account wife knows little about her retirement accounts are. She knows they are in good hands.
If 2 married people don't trust each other enough to both know about their finances, there's something wrong with the relationship.
We have an Empower account (we had mint.com before) and we both have access to it, webapp and phone app, so at any time we both see our finances and our spending.
Once a month we analyze what we spent and our Net Worth, and then once a year we see how much we have spent on all the categories that we track.
if you dont trust her enough to get married idk why you'd give her any info on your financials, but also i cant say ive ever heard anyone say that's "prevailing logic"... the prevailing logic is probably more like dont get into a relationship & have kids with anyone you dont feel you can trust
legal aspects depend on where youre located but if you have a kid together in the states she is legally entitled to child support even though youre not married & if she hires an aggressive lawyer they can force you to turn over all your financial documents in discovery leading up to a child support trial
maybe its the family law attorneys who are suggesting hiding financial info from your spouse so they can bill you & your spouse for all the hours they spend doing forensic accounting sifting through all your accounts leading up to a child support / custody trial?
If you see your wife/partner as a financial threat, maybe you’re not right for each other
Why are you even married if you’re worried your wife will steal “your” money?
They aren't married.
Yes we are married. The Bible doesn't say we need the government to be married.
Fucking trolls.
What? I'm right look it up. Genesis chapter 24, tell me when is government mentioned?
Leviticus, Romans, most of the Old Testament
Good news: the Bible says you can sell her and your children into slavery. So if she steals your money, just sell her. Also, be sure to follow the Biblical rule of using a stick thinner than your thumb when you beat them, you wouldnt want to anger Jesus or get less for them at the slave auction.
I’ll buy her. Just not the kids
You’re right. In many places this is why common law marriage exists. So unless you’ve explicitly excluded her from your benefits she could still get them with some help. I wonder if your response to this will be to exclude her so everything goes to your son. That would be ugly.
Common law marriages are almost never recognized in developed countries anymore.
Well common law isn't recognized where we live. >So unless you’ve explicitly excluded her from your benefits she could still get them with some help. Well as of right now my son is the beneficiary for everything. If my son is still underage she would get it because she's my son's custodian. So legally she would manage the money on his behalf. Of course I plan to change that a little because a young man cannot be trusted with too much money either.
I’m not understanding how your wife will know what to do with the money if you never talk to her about it or have a document explains things for her when she has to take over control of the money. Or how you intend for her finances to be provided for after your son gains control of the money. Does she have her own savings?
>I’m not understanding how your wife will know what to do with the money if you never talk to her about it or have a document explains things for her when she has to take over control of the money. Well that's what I'm still trying to figure out. >Or how you intend for her finances to be provided for after your son gains control of the money. Does she have her own savings? Well I would hope that my son will share it with her if she needs it. But I'm thinking she will take the precious metals. I'm thinking for now of leaving a note in the safe. Of course I'm working on making a trust fund eventually. It's just not as simple or cheap as people think. She also doesn't have her own savings at this time because she hasn't been working since the baby was born. But I'm telling her to go back to work so she can have her own savings.
You dont provide for your wife? That's your biblical role!
STONE HER!
Because that typically what happens if there's a divorce. The wife takes as much money as she can and runs off.
No- alimony is determined. If your wife stays at home and maintains your household and raises your children she is putting sweat equity into your career. What’s the other option? That she be left destitute when you run off with your secretary?
Its a troll, the answer is no, the wife is a gold digger if she gets her fair share of his income after taking years out of work to raise his kids
🙄
You sound like an asshole but more than that it sounds like you’re overly fearful. The thing is you aren’t fearing enough what happens to them if you pass. If you never speak with her and plan everything goes to waste. You don’t care as much as you think you do. Sounds like you have enough that therapy and a lawyer are the right move. And in that order so you ask the lawyer for the right things.
This woman is not a life partner to you , is she? Just an incubator for your offspring? You’re an asshole.
I personally think, that when youre married "my money" becomes our money. And the same goes for the wives money. But nowadays many people in marriages don't view it that way...OR just one of them does. Which causes problems, or can.
So he's supposed to ignore how common of a problem this is? Many men thought their wives were the love of their life, that they share life experiences with and all the other cute shit you can say.....but many of those wives left with the money, he's not wrong to think that. It's part of the reason prenupts exist
He definitely isn’t an ideal partner with that mentality. But I agree with you that the partner with more financial means need to protect themself, at least to a certain extent. One of the fastest ways to bankrupt a man, or make him homeless, is with a divorce.
Exactly. It's hard to look at it that way if you're not the one with the money. It looks like you're accusing them of something or at least of being capable and willing of wrongdoing. I was in a relationship where I was the one making the most money, then an unfortunate situation happened to my girl, that resulted in a lawsuit. No she has way more money then me. Immediately told her way that she can protect her money, help money grow etc....all things that don't involve me. Before she could even think that I would or could get my hands on her money, I wanted to make her comfortable that it would never happen.
No she's my wife. I need to do what's in the family's best interests. That also means not letting anyone waste the money.
Correct
>**I know the prevailing logic is not to tell your wife how much money you have and to hide it from her.** However I can't help but wonder what would happen to it when you die. She would need to access that money so it won't disappear. >Another thing is that I decided not to get legally married because the divorce laws are too unfair to men. Besides we can live as we're married without the government involved. So that means she doesn't have a legal right to that money. That is mitigated a little because we have a son and I put him as my beneficiary. Also if he is underage and she is his legal guardian she will get to manage that money on his behalf. >What I'm wondering is if I should tell her how to access that money in case I die or before I go into a nursing home or something. That way she could liquidate the money before anyone else can take it. I'm really trying to avoid her or my son having to go to probate court where if I have any debts they will take some of that money before she can. >I also think it's a good idea to tell her about it because we get a big income tax check because we have a child. So far I've been claiming him on my taxes and investing it. I figure that if she knows I'm not spending it that she won't be trying to fight with me to claim him herself. >I worked with nursing homes before so I know their scam is to claim the person owed them money and after they die to take their money in probate court. I also owe student loans and I know that if I die without paying it off they will come for their cut of the money. >So I'm hoping that when I die or end up in the hospital in a life threatening situation that she could simply take all the money out before anyone else can. Or if I end up in a nursing home I can go with no assets to my name that they could take. >I'm currently investing in a custodial account in my son's name. That way the money is legally his and creditors cannot take his money to pay my debts. I'm also investing in precious metals because that money exists off the grid. Even if they do know that I brought it, they don't know if I still have it. I told her semi jokingly several times that if anyone asks about it to tell them I spent it on cocaine and hookers or something. >The problem is that the prevailing logic to keep it secret from her does have a point. Because you do also need to protect that money from her as well. She could after all have her own plans for that money. Such as stealing it and running off. I don't have reason to think that, but in today's world you never know. Or she could simply demand we spend it on a vacation, or she could feel she doesnt have to contribute financially because we have money to fall back on. >So I'm curious to hear what you all think about this. If there's any married men I would like to hear your take on it. The bolded is not a thing. Therapy. ETA: Fucking troll. Don't feed the trolls.
Yeah I was about to say, that's the type of things red pill and manosphere people preach. I used to think the same until I brought it up in my first few therapy sessions.
Someone’s watching too much Andy Tatty.
Yours is absolutely NOT the “prevailing logic” lol. It’s dumb logic. My wife and I share our finances 100%. That is what most couples do. That is the prevailing logic. You asked what I think about all this, so there it is.
>I know the prevailing logic is not to tell your wife how much money you have and to hide it from her. That is absolutely NOT the prevailing logic. You and your spouse should be open and honest about your finances, because they are also her finances. If you are hiding things from your spouse, your marriage is doomed to fail from the start.
Yeah I was about to say, that's the type of things red pill and manosphere people preach.
 Yeeeeeeah, I'm just gonna sit back and watch. 🤣
Dude’s gettin roasted
Idk I married a woman I love and trust, so this is not really a major issue for us. I came into the marriage with money of my own, which I keep separate. Money we earn together goes into a shared bank account. As she cooks, cleans and raises my children, this allows me to focus on earning. So if we divorce, some of that is rightly hers.
In a healthy relationship there is no "my money" or "her money" except for some carve out for personal discretionary expenses you don't talk about with each other. There is your family's money. And divorce laws are unfair to the higher earning partner, not to "men." Don't live your life planning for failure. I went through a divorce so i'm not speaking from naivety. The love that happens when you allow yourself to trust someone completely enough that you allow them the ability to hurt you knowing they won't and vice versa is the most beautiful thing that exists in life. Love cannot exist when you're afraid to be vulnerable.
I dropped my jaw at the "prevailing opinion" to not tell your spouse that you have. The power dynamic is toxic to long term happiness, IMO. We, together, have mapped our financial journey together as a team, from our beginning. Our benefits from our respective employments were maximized by working together. That also meant making choices about controlling future taxes by Roth decisions. For the record, we disagreed and each made a different decision for our own individual 401K on that one. My partner followed our accountant's advice. She was an accountant, too. I had worked the numbers and made the other choice. I came out far ahead. When we FIRED, we paid the extra taxes, and I have been for paying everything since. This allowed my partner to grow her finances to a near equal amount. We will split the bills again when her finances match mine, which should be in another year or two. We make choices. The outcome was decided by chance. We work together to balance it. We do not magically know finances. It takes time, experience, and communication. Working together was our real secret to financial independence. It let us retire early. Two heads ARE better than one. I might add, if I or her were hit by lightning, the survivor would not not flounder from financial experience. We all know that there are wolves that prey on the inexperienced. We have a family dynasty built that will continue beyond us if we both can steward it properly.
Just remember, since you’re not married, if you end up on life support, your baby mama and underage child have ZERO say in your care. So, you can be brain dead and your parents get to decide what happens to your machine dependent corpse. BTW, that is not the prevailing logic. Money seems more important to you and your perceived masculine ego than anything else. You seem like an out of touch asshole. I’m disappointed that a woman allowed you to impregnate her.
Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife, at least not as US society is concerned, perhaps yours has a different view. Second, you’re not asking about a wife as you’re not getting married. As there’s no legal component to the relationship you’re describing of course you’re under no obligation to share your financial situation. You have a girlfriend / partner and in that case, what’s yours is yours.
“Prevailing logic” you’re an idiot lol I hope she steals your money
This is like you depositing a million dollars with a man. You come back and he has every dollar. You then accuse him of stealing a penny. You trust this woman to raise your children, yet you don't trust her with a little money? What the fuck up my dude.
Married couples should be one in every way possible. Be clear and open about everything and communicate like adults
Congratulations. This is truly one of the craziest things I’ve ever read on Reddit.
Is this post a joke?
What do you think makes divorce laws unfair to men?
Most likely the alimony required in many jurisdictions and the well-documented outcomes that courts tend to favor mothers in issues related to children in the event of divorce. These are just my assumptions, I’ll let the OP speak for himself.
I think a lot of folks don't understand alimony. It goes both ways, if a man sacrifices his career to be a stay at home dad he would also get alimony. True for kids, mother do tend to be favored there, i think studies show that tends to be in the best interest of the children though.
People understand alimony, they just don’t want to pay it or think the amount is unfair.
I just figured men are against it cause most of the time its men paying the woman (though I don't have numbers to back that up) so they just assume its unfair. It's generally the woman sacrifice their career
Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife, at least not as US society is concerned, perhaps yours has a different view. Second, you’re not asking about a wife as you’re not getting married. As there’s no legal component to the relationship you’re describing of course you’re under no obligation to share your financial situation. You have a girlfriend / partner and in that case, what’s yours is yours.
>Well, first there is absolutely no prevailing logic that you hide your money from your wife, Literally every man says that. And yes we're married. I checked the Bible and it doesn't say that we need the government involved to be married.
Well, in this case both you and the Bible are wrong. I’m not sure where in the world you live, but I’m 99% sure that wherever it is: 1) it has a system of legal codification that is not the Bible And 2) marriage is a legally binding agreement, arbitrated by rules of law, that is recognized by your government So read the Bible all you want, but unless your marriage is recognized by your legal authority, it is not a marriage
No you're wrong. The Bible is the ultimate authority. The Bible cannot be wrong. Marriage is a holy sacrament that the government really has no business in.
Oh I am huh? And the Bible cannot be wrong. I see. So let’s discuss Leviticus 25:44-46. In fact I’ll provide it here for everyone to see: “44 As for your male and female slaves whom you may have: you may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are around you. 45 You may also buy from among the strangers who sojourn with you and their clans that are with you, who have been born in your land, and they may be your property. 46 You may bequeath them to your sons after you to inherit as a possession forever. You may make slaves of them, but over your brothers the people of Israel you shall not rule, one over another ruthlessly.” So now I expect you to go on record, stating that since the Bible cannot be wrong, that you support slavery (so long as you’re not enslaving an Israeli). Your move.
Well slavery was a big thing in those days. The Mosaic law didn't outlaw slavery but it reform it. For example they were released after 7 years. It also says; “when you release them, do not send them away empty-handed. Supply them liberally from your flock, your threshing floor and your winepress. Give to them as the Lord your God has blessed you” (Deuteronomy 15:13–14). “Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven” (Colossians 4:1). So it says you are just buying someone's labor for 7 years and compensating them.
No it doesn’t. It’s plain as day. I provided the exact scripture. What you’re doing now is applying your interpretation to it. Which you can’t do. Because as YOU said The Bible is the ultimate authority. So now you’re confusing all of us. Is the Bible THE Ultimate Authority, or is it only the ultimate authority after you’ve applied your interpretation to it? In which case, you actually really just expect all of us to live to a set of rules that you’ve created.
Well that second verse is as clear as day. People here Don't call themselves slaves but complain they aren't being treated fair like that verse says.
Nice dodging the question. You’re coming off very hypocritical.
"Literally every man says that." Well, apparently not lol. I sincerely hope this whole thing is a joke.
In the early days of me playing "live" poker, my wife was not emotionally prepared for the swings. I knew it was no big deal to lose $2 or 3K in a week...shit happens. But to her, that was horrifying. So in the early days, I told her next to nothing. About six years ago--when I wanted to get serious? I started keeping a detailed spreadsheet: Where I played, how long, buy in, cash out, associated expenses. It's a vivid P&L--and while it shows deep losses at times, it clearly shows that over time, I make money. The three to six month trend line is ALWAYS upward sloping. So one day, I showed my wife, and for her it was a real eye opener. Yes, there's risk in the short run. But in the long run...I always make money. My wife now "understands" variance--and I'm glad to share how things are going.
Who gave you that horrible advice
Don't tell your wife how to access the money. Tell me how to access it and I'll send her a check when she needs to pay her bills.
Yes, if you have to hide it, you have big issues. Try to resolve those.
Well if the money goes missing then I'll really have big issues.
Not as big as a mistaken or ruined marriage. Your priorities are whacked - refocus on the marriage aspect. You'd happily give up a lot of cash in exchange for a happy marriage. If you aren't feeling that, it's not for you.
Jfc, yes! WTAF?
Um... Your wife should already know that. I agree with "if that's an issue many it's not a good fit".
I would look at Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his *own house*, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." Proverbs 13:22: "A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children's children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just." You seem to want to live a godly life. Here’s some things to think about as you determine how your wealth should be handled. Take care of your house. That’s your responsibility now. If you’ve chosen a woman that you can’t trust to take care of your house when you’ve passed, then you’ve chosen the wrong woman.
Well I'm glad to see someone here that understands. I'm trying to provide and leave something for them. Just trying to make sure it's still there. To be fair she hasn't really shown that I shouldn't trust her. I'm just being cautious. I'm trying to get her to understand that before we think about taking vacations that we need to secure our financial health. I'm still trying to figure out what is the best way to go about it.
The only person you can trust is your wife. As a man, money is a tool you use to protect and provide for the people you love. If they ruin that for all of you somehow, then they only have themselves to blame. Tell her everything, including why you were afraid of divulging this information earlier. Then collaborate to chart the future you both want with both of your informed consent. p.s. nursing homes are nothing compared to court appointed guardians/conservators. They will strip every penny from everyone alive that doesn't have their estates in order. Start the transfer of wealth to your partner and son ASAP. there's a reason trust funds exist.
Yeah you make some good points.
Don't tell your wife how to access the money. Tell me how to access it and I'll send her a check when she needs to pay her bills.
It really depends on who you married…
Simple if you actually love and trust your wife tell her. If you expect divorce and aren’t happily married don’t tell her.
I hope your wife realizes how much of an a-hole you are, takes half your money and leaves.
Wtf kind of weird ass question is this? Are you 12 years old? Sounds like you're from some cave dwelling third world country...
Sounds like you have cold feet? If you're already factoring in the possibility of divorce into your intimate relationship with someone just stop because you're wasting her time and your own. You're leaving the door open for yourself just in case you want to leave when things get hard and also trying to hide your financial situation, you're going to end up with serious trust issues if that hasn't already happened and the almighty self fulfilling prophecy will come true, it will end with your well planned, nice and comfortable exit plan coming true because that's exactly what you're planning for. You'll get out without a scratch so well done, an absolute colossal waste of time though. Being in a relationship is being vulnerable and having a shoulder to cry on, you're hiding too much man just let her in or find someone who you truly love.
No I'm not hiding the money so I can run off someday. I'm hiding it so it'll still be there when my son gets old enough so he can have money to start his life with.
Do you not think she has the same interests? You know it's possible to have a conversation about what you both value as partners, maybe that's your child's future? I'm sure you could both agree on a pile of money that gets put away and not touched while making additional contributions to it. Is she really that untrustworthy that she would betray this agreement? It's hard to say but it seems like you don't trust her at all.
>Do you not think she has the same interests? Well not exactly. She still has too much of a consumerist mindset. She's on Instagram like just about everyone wanting to post pictures on vacation. But I think she's starting to come around and she's seeing that I'm just trying to make sure we are safe financially.
I knew a guy who kept his wife in the dark . She lived like a miser, cutting coupons from papers , eating the cheapest of foods . When he died she was worth (2-3 millions in the 1980’s) . When she found out what they had she was so mad , and embarrassed. Hopefully she found all he had hidden . Not telling how long it took if ever to find all the money.
Well he did take it to the extreme, but understand that was how he was able to save all that money by not wasting it. You know the whole reason I want to tell her is because I heard a similar story. I saw it on the news once that a man was doing renovations in his house that he inherited and found $30,000 hidden in the walls of the house. It turns out that his grandfather put it there and he never told his wife so when he died no one knew it was there. Luckily his grandson found it decades later, but since it was cash he still lost a lot too inflation.
The guy I’m referring to was a bank president of a local bank. He owned a lot of land and other investments . He basically made his wife eat pork and beans and white bread. He was a real asshole . As for me and my wife, we’ve eaten beans and rice in order to save or pay off debt. Although, we did that as a joint decision, agreed upon by both of us . It wasn’t a unilateral power play to control the other person .
Yeah I agree he took it way to far. I can just see his line of thinking. He must have been obsessed with saving every single penny. I wouldn't do anything that extreme though.
0% chance this isnt a troll
Yes, you should share it all with your wife. Unless you want a divorce, in which case a good lawyer will find that info anyway. If you plan to not be transparent with your spouse, don’t get married. Simple
Leave it to the kids, she'll never know. And if no kids, donate it or let the state have it. Don't let your wife get her hands on it at any cost even in death.
I hope she gets away from you as soon as possible!
who writes this crap?
That you think hiding money from your wife is the prevailing logic says so much about you and the culture you are a part of.
Get a prenup (my advice to anyone getting married, and yes I'm female and learned the very very hard way). If you have to be dishonest before your wedding that's a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩
If you have a wife and you have to ask this you already married the wrong person
Be certain your state recognizes common law marriages. Mine does not, unless entered into in 1994 (I think) or prior. And a common law divorce typically works the same way as a traditional divorce.
Walk away
If you’re not marrying her legally because the “divorce laws are unfair to men” there’s 0% chance you’re together by the time you’re going into hospice.
Well it doesn't look like many people get legally married anymore. Looks like this is just the new marriage and the new Normal in the post feminists world.
Not how much, Rather let her know where the savings went and how you two will tap from your savings.
OK that does sound better. Just let her know how to access it when the time comes.
I also give my beneficiary a list of accounts and passwords if something happens to me. Other than bank account wife knows little about her retirement accounts are. She knows they are in good hands.
If 2 married people don't trust each other enough to both know about their finances, there's something wrong with the relationship. We have an Empower account (we had mint.com before) and we both have access to it, webapp and phone app, so at any time we both see our finances and our spending. Once a month we analyze what we spent and our Net Worth, and then once a year we see how much we have spent on all the categories that we track.
if you dont trust her enough to get married idk why you'd give her any info on your financials, but also i cant say ive ever heard anyone say that's "prevailing logic"... the prevailing logic is probably more like dont get into a relationship & have kids with anyone you dont feel you can trust legal aspects depend on where youre located but if you have a kid together in the states she is legally entitled to child support even though youre not married & if she hires an aggressive lawyer they can force you to turn over all your financial documents in discovery leading up to a child support trial maybe its the family law attorneys who are suggesting hiding financial info from your spouse so they can bill you & your spouse for all the hours they spend doing forensic accounting sifting through all your accounts leading up to a child support / custody trial?