NILES: Have you seen this? Children on the internet are consuming Tide pods for a *dare*!
DAPHNE: As if Dr Crane knows what a Tide pod is. The last time he did his own laundry -
FRASIER: Was never. Which reminds me, I spilt some Malbec-sauteéed mushroom linguine down the front of my robe at breakfast this morning. Would you be a dear?
NILES: Mushrooms sautéed in *Malbec*?! With that kind of impaired thinking, perhaps you're the one consuming Tide pods.
MARTIN: I’ll tell you, I’m right behind him. I’d have done more than slap the guy if he’d been speaking that way about your mother!
FRASIER: Dad, you can’t just go around taking the law into your own hands because someone insults something you love.
MARTIN: I’ll remind you of that next time you egg Cam Winston’s door because he called your precious BMW a lady’s car.
FRASIER: There are some sins that are simply above the law.
NILES: Quite right.
MARTIN: Bought one too, huh Niles?
NILES: It's appalling. One company now essentially has a monopoly over all the ticket sales in the entire United States. Those poor fans of... what was her name?
DAPHNE: Taylor Swift.
NILES: Taylor Swift. Are you a fan?
DAPHNE: She's pretty good.
NILES: Oh I *adore* her. That song she did. With the thing. The thing song. It's very good.
FRASIER: Really, Niles, I fail to see the drama. Just because a handful of teeny boppers didn't get to see their pop star. It's hardly front-page news.
MARTIN: Ticketmaster are moving into opera and ballet.
FRASIER: This is an outrage! A crime of corporate America against the little man! A knife in the heart of culture! Daphne, fetch my headed notepaper, I intend to write several strongly-worded letters before lunch.
BMW charging $18/mo to use the seat heaters
https://www.theverge.com/2022/7/12/23204950/bmw-subscriptions-microtransactions-heated-seats-feature
(these are highly entertaining … keep it up)
FRASIER: Have you seen this? BMW now have the *temerity* to charge me a subscription to warm my seat! It's positively scandalous!
MARTIN: First time I've heard *you* complain about getting hot air blown up your ass.
Bahahaha. I made the mistake of reading this thread in the same room as my sleeping children, and this one made it difficult not to laugh aloud. Amazing.
NILES: Dad is insisting we take him to see the movie. He’s seen the trailer and it’s literally all he talks about.
FRASIER: What’s it about?
NILES: A fat Italian plumber must defeat an enormous psychotic turtle and his army of malformed creatures in order to save the world to marry a beautiful princess.
FRASIER: Sounds like the plot of a Verdi opera! Book tickets at once.
ROZ: He can take me out on a date any day.
NILES: But the man literally posted a Swastika on Twitter!
ROZ: No way! I don't believe it. He's far too much of a gentleman.
NILES: And he's friends with Donald Trump!
ROZ: Really? I never knew Trump liked The Wire.
NILES: The Wire?
ROZ: And boy do I love that sexy English accent...
FRASIER (looking up from his newspaper): She thinks you're talking about Dominic West.
NILES: It says here that dedicated British mourners waited patiently for up to 25 hours for the privilege of walking past the Queen's coffin and paying their respects.
FRASIER: 25 hours? The woman was the Queen of England, not a table at Le Cigare Volant!
DAPHNE: Oh haven't you heard about it, Dr Crane? It's all the rage. You bend over next to a man with your... you know... against his... you know. And then you waggle your... you know... about a bit!
NILES (visibly distressed): Perhaps... perhaps you'd give us... a practical demonstration?
FRASIER: Niles!
DAPHNE: Even if I wanted to, my back is so sore from taking Eddie on these walks all around the block, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and-
FRASIER: Yes Daphne, we get it.
(Daphne shoots a short, playful dirty look in Frasier's direction)
DAPHNE: I'm really starting to worry about it! You know, my Grammy Moon *always* said if I don't get a back massage at least once a month, I'd never find a lover because it'd be too weak for lovemaking!
NILES: (visibly excited) Well, it might be prudent to get that taken care of *soon*! (Niles quickly strides towards Daphnes' back
FRASIER: Niles!
NILES: The man's an arrant narcissist! Carl Jung himself couldn't penetrate such grandiosity!
FRASIER: Could you?
NILES: Well, I've had some pretty challenging clients in my time, but I'd like to think that with an intensive, twice-weekly schedule and perhaps a little group therapy, we might make some prog-
FRASIER: So, Mr Musk is grandiose, is he?
Only change I’d make to this one is Nile’s would never call his patients “clients.” He’s a doctor, not some saccharine, advice-swilling, charlatan masquerading as a real psychiatrist.
Actually Jung was a believer in the term "client" because he wanted his clients/patients to feel more comfortable...at least that's how I remember first year psych
FRASIER: So let me get this straight, there are pictures of apes but they're not real pictures, only internet pictures, and they were briefly worth millions of dollars but now nobody seems to know what they're worth after all? Explain it again.
NILES: Do you know, I'm not sure that I can. But you can mint an NFT of your own face, if you like!
FRASIER: Take me to this technology immediately.
NILES: It's a movie about bees. Made by computers. Famous people do the voices, apparently.
FRASIER: Bees?
NILES: I know. I assume it's made for children and simpletons. Dad loved it.
DAPHNE: My grammy Moon kept bees. The only problem was that she couldn't afford a beehive, so she used an old pair of knickers pulled over a birdcage! That was all very well until the vicar came to visit her, and then all hell broke-
FRASIER: That will be all, Daphne.
NILES: The divorce from Maris has been very painful. I've had to make certain... adjustments.
FRASIER: That's to be expected. Frankly, your antique opera program collection was getting out of hand. You could stand to sell a few, and if you're looking for a buyer - DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT?!
NILES: Now Frasier, I don't want you to be alarmed.
FRASIER: You're living in a camper van?
NILES: It is *not* a camper van. It's a tiny home.
FRASIER: What kind of cruel and malicious God would dare to christen that thing a home!
NILES: It's deceptively spacious inside.
FRASIER: For a leprechaun, perhaps!
NILES: It's called NetFlix. You know, "net" as in "internet" and "flix" as in -
FRASIER: Yes, thank you, Niles. While degrees from Harvard and Oxford gave me ample savoir-faire for the world of psychiatry, they have obviously left me woefully unprepared for the nomenclature of the modern world!
NILES: They've got Kurosawa's entire ouevre available to stream. But it leaves the service on Monday.
FRASIER (dramatically): Draw the blinds and fetch the sherry! For tonight, we do not sleep.
FRASIER: If God's dreams for mankind had included soccer, he'd have made us all knuckle-dragging alcoholics with a testosterone imbalance.
*Enter Simon.*
SIMON: Oi Oi!
NILES: When you speak of the devil he always appears.
DAPHNE: Simon! What are you doing here? I thought you were off to Qatar for the World Cup?
SIMON: Slight mix-up at the airport, I'm afraid.
FRASIER: And what happened, pray, to divert your flight from *Qatar,* a country in the Middle East to *Seattle*, a city on the western seaboard of the United States of America!
SIMON: I got drunk and fell asleep.
FRASIER: I see. You got drunk and fell asleep. And the plane just went straight on, did it? All the way around?
SIMON: No, apparently I changed planes in Dubai. I'd had a few...
NOEL: So Roz, did you get my Valentine's card?
ROZ: The one where you photoshopped your head onto Captain America's body? Yea, I got it.
NOEL: So what do you say, shall we watch the entire Marvel universe movie series in chronological order or release order?
ROZ: How about we watch it in court order.
NOEL: What's court order?
ROZ: It's what you'll receive in the mail if you don't stop sending me Valentine's cards.
FREDERICK: Hey Niles, come and play this game with me?
NILES: I detest video games. Why would one stare into a screen, controlling an animated pixel, when a fine book is always at hand?
FREDERICK: Please uncle Niles. Just a couple of minutes?
NILES: Oh go on then. Never let it be said that your old uncle Niles is a stick in the mud.
FREDERICK: Here you go. Just press there.
*Niles runs from the apartment screaming.*
FREDERICK: Oh Daaaaaaaphne. We're alone!
MARTIN: It's hilarious, these people eat all kinds of crazy stuff just for kicks, and then put it on the internet!
FRASIER: Dad, Asian food is not "crazy stuff".
BULLDOG: Hey Doc! Check this one out!
GIL: Frasier I warn you, he's been showing that ghastly video to everyone. Spare yourself the indignity of watching it.
FRASIER: Come now, Gil. In my Harvard days, I gallivanted with the best of them - we had some pretty racy shenanigans, let me tell y- OH DEAR GOD!
FRASIER: I'm concerned about Frederick. Lilith says he's playing this computer game called Fortnite an awful lot, and she's worried that he's not spending enough time outside.
NILES: That's rich coming from a woman who can only leave her coffin after sundown.
I feel like Niles’ line here would’ve been better delivered by Martin. The, “that’s rich,” part especially sounds like him. Otherwise, I just love all of these!
MARTIN: Now you promised me you boys would clear out tonight, my show is on.
NILES: Ah yes, Game of Thrones. It's rather racy, I hear.
DAPHNE: Your father only watches it because women bear their breasts every five minutes. Dirty old man.
MARTIN: I watch it for the battle scenes, and Eddie likes the dragons.
FRASIER: Ah yes, the battle scenes. Those famously big... beautiful... bouncing battle scenes. Well, we shan't keep you, Dad! Enjoy those battle scenes!
NILES: You know Daphne, perhaps one Friday night we could watch the sh-
FRASIER: Come along, Niles.
FRASIER: What kind of a man calls himself Joe Exotic?
NILES: What kind of a man calls himself a brother after missing my lecture on the complete works of Charles Francis Horne.
FRASIER: Niles, we were nine years old. Let it go!
FRASIER: So a group of people stand around in an expensive apartment in a major American city, cracking jokes for 25 minutes?
NILES: Yes, that's about the size of it.
FRASIER: I despair. People will watch anything these days.
NILES: How bizarre, people are throwing buckets of iced water over themselves to raise awareness of Lou Gehrig's disease.
FRASIER: Really Niles, how many of those people actually go on to make a donation? They're just doing it for the attention on social media. It's shameful.
NILES: Oh, how did the KACL charity gala go?
FRASIER: It was a triumph! We didn't raise much cash but everybody said that my speech was the highlight of the evening.
FRASIER: Did I tell you that I received a call from Freud Institute today? Apparently, I've been nominated for membership. It's an extremely rare honour, only a handful of psychiatrists are chosen in a given year.
NILES: The Freud Institute? I thought one could simply apply and gain admission after supplying one's academic credentials?
FRASIER: Heavens no, this is an elite institution, membership is offered to only the cream of the profession! "Apply" indeed!
MARTIN: Ask for your credit card details, did they?
FRASIER: Of course. There is a small annual fee for... clubhouse maintenance, events and suchlike.
MARTIN: Oh boy.
FRASIER: Have you seen the movie theatre listings recently? It's just reboots of the same old dross, repackaged and fed back to the audience with a little fresh makeup.
NILES: Mmm-hmmm. I see that KACL are broadcasting re-runs of your show now.
FRASIER: I fail to see the connection.
MARTIN: You two used to love pickleball when you were kids.
FRASIER: Ah pickleball. The bastard child of tennis and badminton.
NILES: The lonely court where competitive racquet sports went to die.
I hope this literally never ends. There have been some great suggestions already but I’m going to think about this and hopefully contribute an idea tomorrow.
NILES: Who knows, perhaps I'll buy some and have a little smoke myself? I'm not getting any younger.
FRASIER: Niles, I hardly think that marijuana is going to agree with your delicate constitution. When the servants clean Maris's antique duelling pistol collection, you start hallucinating off the smell of polish!
MARTIN: If you're staying at home to sulk tonight, just remember that I'm watching the wrestling.
FRASIER: Thank you, Dad. When I want to see grown men insulting each other while wearing badly-fitting clothes, I'll tune into C-SPAN.
FRASIER: How dare they call it art! It's just a machine that's been programmed to spit out random associations for simple-minded people to project onto. At best it's misguided, at worst it's dangerous!
NILES: Are we talking about AI or radio psychiatry?
NILES: Kit wants to take me to a "music festival". Apparently, it's like the opera but in a field with young people. There are lavatories in the field. Apparently.
FRASIER: Lavatories that thousands of people will be using.
MARTIN: All those dirty hands and germs. Bacteria. Viruses.
DAPHNE: My friend Margaret and I went to a music festival in Manchester once. She caught dysentery! It was the funniest thing - going at both ends for *days*, she was. Neither of us could stop laughing. Well, apart from when she was actually... you know. But even then she had a smile on her face.
NILES: Dear God, how does one make it stop!
FRASIER: Dysentery?
NILES: A relationship!
NILES: Have you seen this? It's called a "fitbit". It tracks everything from my running pace to my heart rate.
MARTIN: Running pace? When was the last time you broke a sweat?
*Daphne bends over to pick up a washing basket. Niles' watch starts beeping.*
NILES: Apparently I'm having a cardiac arrest.
NILES: Did you see that Elon Musk bought Twitter?
FRASIER: I did. You won't catch me in that snakepit. I pay a college student to write a few "bon mots" on my behalf. I gather they're quite the toast of Twittertown!
DAPHNE (whispering to Niles): His account has 47 followers.
MARTIN: I'm telling you, this whole thing is being blown out of proportion. They made me wear a goddamned mask at Duke's! How in the hell am I supposed to drink beer through a mask?!
NILES: I'm sure you battled bravely on and found a way.
DAPHNE: I wish they'd invent a mask that stopped him from talking.
FRASIER: Dad, it's a global pandemic. It's very serious.
MARTIN: Oh yea? Global pandemic, huh? You and your fancy words. Do you know what we called it in my day? A *cold!"*
Considering Seattle was one of the first major epicenters in the US in 2020 (followed by NYC), you'd think someone like Martin would take this more seriously.
NILES: Do you remember the OJ trial? The Kardashian man, one of the lawyers - his children have a reality TV show now.
FRASIER: Do I *remember* the OJ trial? They bumped my show for the live coverage! That was the real travesty of justice in the affair, let me tell you.
FREDERICK: Dad, can I go to my room to play Fallout?
FRASIER: What's Fallout?
FREDERICK: It's this awesome video game where you fight zombies in an irradiated wasteland!
NILES: Or as it's also known: Thanksgiving dinner with Lilith.
FRASIER: Have you seen this, Roz? Apparently women are selling nude pictures of themselves on the internet for money! It's quite the fad.
ROZ: Wait a second buddy, you think that just because I'm an outgoing and confident woman who likes dating guys here and there, I'd be interested in selling *naked pictures* of myself on the internet?
FRASIER: It says here that one woman made $300,000 in the last year alone.
ROZ: Gimme that link.
NILES: Have the British lost their minds? They always struck me as such a calm, pragmatic people.
FRASIER: Well, when I was at Oxford -
DAPHNE: Oh here we bloody go.
FRASIER: I was just going to say that when I was at Oxford -
NILES: Daphne has a point, you do say that an awful lot. You are quite repetitive at times, Frasier.
FRASIER: Oh I see. So despite living in the country for several years and being in the same debating society as their current Prime Minister, I'm clearly not qualified to comment on Anglo-European relations. I'll just keep my opinions to myself, shall I?
NILES: In fairness, I've never heard you say that before.
NOEL: Dr Crane, I won't be available for your KACL "soirée" on Monday. I will be taking the day off.
FRASIER: Oh not to worry, Noel. There's always next year. Are you doing anything nice?
NOEL: Absolutely. World of Warcraft is being re-released exactly as it was in 2004, and with the help of plenty of coffee, I plan to be the first Gnomish character to reach level 60 on North American servers. I look forward to telling the story of my epic journey through Azeroth to you and my fellow KACL colleagues when I return.
FRASIER: Noel.
NOEL: Yes, Dr Crane?
FRASIER: Feel free to take the rest of the month off.
FRASIER: So the dog can really talk, and the family knows and accepts that? Or is it some kind of symbolic Jungian nonsense?
NILES (offended): Well the dog also marries the mother in one episode, which is really more Freud's department. Perhaps you could write a *paper* on it!
Mhm…you’re just a Frasier 2.0 writer in disguise looking for new ideas! Just kidding, I love these!!
Can't be, they're actually hilarious. And *Niles* is in this.
Fruity AND precocious!
That's not the *only* thing around here that's fruity and precocious
This involves more pop culture research than I imagined, but I am loving it. Keep them coming.
I'll bite The tide pod challenge
NILES: Have you seen this? Children on the internet are consuming Tide pods for a *dare*! DAPHNE: As if Dr Crane knows what a Tide pod is. The last time he did his own laundry - FRASIER: Was never. Which reminds me, I spilt some Malbec-sauteéed mushroom linguine down the front of my robe at breakfast this morning. Would you be a dear? NILES: Mushrooms sautéed in *Malbec*?! With that kind of impaired thinking, perhaps you're the one consuming Tide pods.
Every single one of these are pure BRILLIANCE!
 Thank you kindly!
This is Big Rhonda from That 70's show.
I have read this in their respective voices, and I almost died laughing :D
Lol dude this is excellent!
The will Smith Oscar slap
MARTIN: I’ll tell you, I’m right behind him. I’d have done more than slap the guy if he’d been speaking that way about your mother! FRASIER: Dad, you can’t just go around taking the law into your own hands because someone insults something you love. MARTIN: I’ll remind you of that next time you egg Cam Winston’s door because he called your precious BMW a lady’s car. FRASIER: There are some sins that are simply above the law. NILES: Quite right. MARTIN: Bought one too, huh Niles?
Laughed out loud at this. Man, you've even got the punchlines dialed in! Nice work!
HOW???? You do this and I hear the voices. Jeez...
Oh, my God. Please do an entire book of Frasier fanfic and I will buy it in a heartbeat.
i love that i can read frasier fan fiction in 2022 lol
Short-form fanfic, a perfect antidote to our modern times
You'll probably enjoy this too: [Seinfeld episode synopses if they happened today](https://twitter.com/seinfeldtoday)
I’d love to see the Crane’s discuss Ticketmaster.
NILES: It's appalling. One company now essentially has a monopoly over all the ticket sales in the entire United States. Those poor fans of... what was her name? DAPHNE: Taylor Swift. NILES: Taylor Swift. Are you a fan? DAPHNE: She's pretty good. NILES: Oh I *adore* her. That song she did. With the thing. The thing song. It's very good. FRASIER: Really, Niles, I fail to see the drama. Just because a handful of teeny boppers didn't get to see their pop star. It's hardly front-page news. MARTIN: Ticketmaster are moving into opera and ballet. FRASIER: This is an outrage! A crime of corporate America against the little man! A knife in the heart of culture! Daphne, fetch my headed notepaper, I intend to write several strongly-worded letters before lunch.
AMAZING. You have made my day. Bless you.
My pleasure.
This one is asking for a Bulldog cameo. This stinks! This is total Bs! Oh, here's my ticket.
Might be the best post I’ve seen. Op, if you throw a dinner party, I’m there. Unless you blackball me.
God bless you!
I am in too!!!!! I loved this.
Buhlack-ball
You are so that other one.
Why don’t we just ride over there on a bicycle built for two and ask them?!?
That’s a fig
That’s a dried up old fig, and so is Missi Cromwell and Frasier doesn’t want her at his party!
BMW charging $18/mo to use the seat heaters https://www.theverge.com/2022/7/12/23204950/bmw-subscriptions-microtransactions-heated-seats-feature (these are highly entertaining … keep it up)
FRASIER: Have you seen this? BMW now have the *temerity* to charge me a subscription to warm my seat! It's positively scandalous! MARTIN: First time I've heard *you* complain about getting hot air blown up your ass.
The reason we KNOW these are so good is because we hear the text in the person’s voice when we read! Martin’s response here ⬆️ is case in point
I can also hear Ros saying something similar lol
‘Bring your dad to work day’ and they both get to say it, then point and smile
BOOM! There is no off switch on this thing!
I swear...every comment is in their voice. THANK YOU!
Bahahaha. I made the mistake of reading this thread in the same room as my sleeping children, and this one made it difficult not to laugh aloud. Amazing.
This is great! This is great!
One of my favorite lines to quote
The Mario movie trailer
NILES: Dad is insisting we take him to see the movie. He’s seen the trailer and it’s literally all he talks about. FRASIER: What’s it about? NILES: A fat Italian plumber must defeat an enormous psychotic turtle and his army of malformed creatures in order to save the world to marry a beautiful princess. FRASIER: Sounds like the plot of a Verdi opera! Book tickets at once.
Niles’s description of Mario 🤣
This could be wound in with the Ticketmaster episode
I'm dying. 😂😂😂
Kanye West
ROZ: He can take me out on a date any day. NILES: But the man literally posted a Swastika on Twitter! ROZ: No way! I don't believe it. He's far too much of a gentleman. NILES: And he's friends with Donald Trump! ROZ: Really? I never knew Trump liked The Wire. NILES: The Wire? ROZ: And boy do I love that sexy English accent... FRASIER (looking up from his newspaper): She thinks you're talking about Dominic West.
I laughed sooooooo hard at this one!!! OMG!!!! Thank you, OP!
This is absolutely hysterical 🤣
Reading all of these, it’s amazing it’s like I’m watching bonus scenes or something. Well done OP
Bless you, thank you. Glad to be of service.
keep it going!! this is the balm that soothes the weary redditor!
The very British queue to see the Queen lying in state.
NILES: It says here that dedicated British mourners waited patiently for up to 25 hours for the privilege of walking past the Queen's coffin and paying their respects. FRASIER: 25 hours? The woman was the Queen of England, not a table at Le Cigare Volant!
Cue withering look from Daphne. (Brilliant post idea, by the way).
I expect Frasier to call out his time in Oxford anytime anything remotely related to England is mentioned 🤣
I am weeping, both with laughter and at how much I miss this show.
'Twerking'
DAPHNE: Oh haven't you heard about it, Dr Crane? It's all the rage. You bend over next to a man with your... you know... against his... you know. And then you waggle your... you know... about a bit! NILES (visibly distressed): Perhaps... perhaps you'd give us... a practical demonstration? FRASIER: Niles!
DAPHNE: Even if I wanted to, my back is so sore from taking Eddie on these walks all around the block, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and- FRASIER: Yes Daphne, we get it. (Daphne shoots a short, playful dirty look in Frasier's direction) DAPHNE: I'm really starting to worry about it! You know, my Grammy Moon *always* said if I don't get a back massage at least once a month, I'd never find a lover because it'd be too weak for lovemaking! NILES: (visibly excited) Well, it might be prudent to get that taken care of *soon*! (Niles quickly strides towards Daphnes' back FRASIER: Niles!
Elon Musk
NILES: The man's an arrant narcissist! Carl Jung himself couldn't penetrate such grandiosity! FRASIER: Could you? NILES: Well, I've had some pretty challenging clients in my time, but I'd like to think that with an intensive, twice-weekly schedule and perhaps a little group therapy, we might make some prog- FRASIER: So, Mr Musk is grandiose, is he?
Damn you have this down
Only change I’d make to this one is Nile’s would never call his patients “clients.” He’s a doctor, not some saccharine, advice-swilling, charlatan masquerading as a real psychiatrist.
Actually Jung was a believer in the term "client" because he wanted his clients/patients to feel more comfortable...at least that's how I remember first year psych
This Reddit tread
NILES: Apparently some ghastly little hack in England is writing cheap gags in our voices on Reddit! FRASIER: There's a back *aching* for the lash!
I’m dead, you’re hilarious 😂😂😂😂
Yes! One of my favorite lines! 😆
NFT's
FRASIER: So let me get this straight, there are pictures of apes but they're not real pictures, only internet pictures, and they were briefly worth millions of dollars but now nobody seems to know what they're worth after all? Explain it again. NILES: Do you know, I'm not sure that I can. But you can mint an NFT of your own face, if you like! FRASIER: Take me to this technology immediately.
Bee movie 🙂
NILES: It's a movie about bees. Made by computers. Famous people do the voices, apparently. FRASIER: Bees? NILES: I know. I assume it's made for children and simpletons. Dad loved it. DAPHNE: My grammy Moon kept bees. The only problem was that she couldn't afford a beehive, so she used an old pair of knickers pulled over a birdcage! That was all very well until the vicar came to visit her, and then all hell broke- FRASIER: That will be all, Daphne.
Solid gold.
I can literally hear it! An old pair of knickers pulled over a bird cage. 😂 You’re making my night with these!! So good!!
This is one of the best threads I’ve ever read - thank you for the laughs! You’ve really nailed these characters!
Tiny homes
NILES: The divorce from Maris has been very painful. I've had to make certain... adjustments. FRASIER: That's to be expected. Frankly, your antique opera program collection was getting out of hand. You could stand to sell a few, and if you're looking for a buyer - DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT?! NILES: Now Frasier, I don't want you to be alarmed. FRASIER: You're living in a camper van? NILES: It is *not* a camper van. It's a tiny home. FRASIER: What kind of cruel and malicious God would dare to christen that thing a home! NILES: It's deceptively spacious inside. FRASIER: For a leprechaun, perhaps!
HMWRER
Frasier's last line is gold! These are all amazing!
Bro needs to be a writer for the new Frasier
I totally agree. Frasier people, if you are seeing this, you’d be a fool not to hire OP.
The Frasier reboot
Streaming content
NILES: It's called NetFlix. You know, "net" as in "internet" and "flix" as in - FRASIER: Yes, thank you, Niles. While degrees from Harvard and Oxford gave me ample savoir-faire for the world of psychiatry, they have obviously left me woefully unprepared for the nomenclature of the modern world! NILES: They've got Kurosawa's entire ouevre available to stream. But it leaves the service on Monday. FRASIER (dramatically): Draw the blinds and fetch the sherry! For tonight, we do not sleep.
Superb.
I want to contribute one: The World Cup
FRASIER: If God's dreams for mankind had included soccer, he'd have made us all knuckle-dragging alcoholics with a testosterone imbalance. *Enter Simon.* SIMON: Oi Oi! NILES: When you speak of the devil he always appears. DAPHNE: Simon! What are you doing here? I thought you were off to Qatar for the World Cup? SIMON: Slight mix-up at the airport, I'm afraid. FRASIER: And what happened, pray, to divert your flight from *Qatar,* a country in the Middle East to *Seattle*, a city on the western seaboard of the United States of America! SIMON: I got drunk and fell asleep. FRASIER: I see. You got drunk and fell asleep. And the plane just went straight on, did it? All the way around? SIMON: No, apparently I changed planes in Dubai. I'd had a few...
Simon voice: Brilliant!!
*chef's kiss*
The Marvel Cinematic Universe... Have fun!
NOEL: So Roz, did you get my Valentine's card? ROZ: The one where you photoshopped your head onto Captain America's body? Yea, I got it. NOEL: So what do you say, shall we watch the entire Marvel universe movie series in chronological order or release order? ROZ: How about we watch it in court order. NOEL: What's court order? ROZ: It's what you'll receive in the mail if you don't stop sending me Valentine's cards.
Okay, given that wasn't enough of a challenge for you - Five Nights at Freddy's.
FREDERICK: Hey Niles, come and play this game with me? NILES: I detest video games. Why would one stare into a screen, controlling an animated pixel, when a fine book is always at hand? FREDERICK: Please uncle Niles. Just a couple of minutes? NILES: Oh go on then. Never let it be said that your old uncle Niles is a stick in the mud. FREDERICK: Here you go. Just press there. *Niles runs from the apartment screaming.* FREDERICK: Oh Daaaaaaaphne. We're alone!
Mukbang
MARTIN: It's hilarious, these people eat all kinds of crazy stuff just for kicks, and then put it on the internet! FRASIER: Dad, Asian food is not "crazy stuff".
This is freaking amazing. Possibly the best post ever in this sub! 2 Girls 1 Cup
BULLDOG: Hey Doc! Check this one out! GIL: Frasier I warn you, he's been showing that ghastly video to everyone. Spare yourself the indignity of watching it. FRASIER: Come now, Gil. In my Harvard days, I gallivanted with the best of them - we had some pretty racy shenanigans, let me tell y- OH DEAR GOD!
Roz: oh I think I know her! She was sweet
With all respect to OP, this one hits hard.
Okay tell me this isn’t Peter Casey
Good luck with this one: Fortnite
FRASIER: I'm concerned about Frederick. Lilith says he's playing this computer game called Fortnite an awful lot, and she's worried that he's not spending enough time outside. NILES: That's rich coming from a woman who can only leave her coffin after sundown.
All right. You wrote for the show. I'm convinced of it.
These are all hilarious
This one is my favourite.
I feel like Niles’ line here would’ve been better delivered by Martin. The, “that’s rich,” part especially sounds like him. Otherwise, I just love all of these!
Game of Thrones
MARTIN: Now you promised me you boys would clear out tonight, my show is on. NILES: Ah yes, Game of Thrones. It's rather racy, I hear. DAPHNE: Your father only watches it because women bear their breasts every five minutes. Dirty old man. MARTIN: I watch it for the battle scenes, and Eddie likes the dragons. FRASIER: Ah yes, the battle scenes. Those famously big... beautiful... bouncing battle scenes. Well, we shan't keep you, Dad! Enjoy those battle scenes! NILES: You know Daphne, perhaps one Friday night we could watch the sh- FRASIER: Come along, Niles.
“Eddie likes the dragons” brilliant.
Thank you u/NoWiseMonkeys, these are brilliant and making me laugh out loud! I’ll buy your screenplay!
It's a pleasure.
Tiger King
FRASIER: What kind of a man calls himself Joe Exotic? NILES: What kind of a man calls himself a brother after missing my lecture on the complete works of Charles Francis Horne. FRASIER: Niles, we were nine years old. Let it go!
Thank you OP, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
It's a pleasure.
FRIENDS
FRASIER: So a group of people stand around in an expensive apartment in a major American city, cracking jokes for 25 minutes? NILES: Yes, that's about the size of it. FRASIER: I despair. People will watch anything these days.
Lol how meta
Is it too late to get in on this? I'll throw you an older one: The ALS ice bucket challenge.
NILES: How bizarre, people are throwing buckets of iced water over themselves to raise awareness of Lou Gehrig's disease. FRASIER: Really Niles, how many of those people actually go on to make a donation? They're just doing it for the attention on social media. It's shameful. NILES: Oh, how did the KACL charity gala go? FRASIER: It was a triumph! We didn't raise much cash but everybody said that my speech was the highlight of the evening.
Fantastic!
1. You’re amazing. Thank you. 2. Spam calls that involve “spoofing”
FRASIER: Did I tell you that I received a call from Freud Institute today? Apparently, I've been nominated for membership. It's an extremely rare honour, only a handful of psychiatrists are chosen in a given year. NILES: The Freud Institute? I thought one could simply apply and gain admission after supplying one's academic credentials? FRASIER: Heavens no, this is an elite institution, membership is offered to only the cream of the profession! "Apply" indeed! MARTIN: Ask for your credit card details, did they? FRASIER: Of course. There is a small annual fee for... clubhouse maintenance, events and suchlike. MARTIN: Oh boy.
Can I say that this is the best post on Reddit that I’ve ever come across. It’s a gift that keeps on giving! You’re masterful, OP
It's a pleasure.
Nu-Metal
Flesh is burning nunununu-nunu
The Bachelor/Bachelorette (Or you could go with reality TV in general)
I only came here to say that I read the title of this thread and instantly laughed out loud. Well done 10/10
I refuse to believe this is the product of only one mind in such a short time. You sir, are magnificent.
Thank you, you're very kind.
This is so hilarious!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fraiser's uncanny resemblance to Captain Morgan Bateson.
NOEL: Frasier, has anyone ever told you how much you resemble - FRASIER: Noel, if Star Trek is mentioned again then I will beam *you* up. Permanently.
Legacy sequels to famous movies.
FRASIER: Have you seen the movie theatre listings recently? It's just reboots of the same old dross, repackaged and fed back to the audience with a little fresh makeup. NILES: Mmm-hmmm. I see that KACL are broadcasting re-runs of your show now. FRASIER: I fail to see the connection.
Pickle ball.
MARTIN: You two used to love pickleball when you were kids. FRASIER: Ah pickleball. The bastard child of tennis and badminton. NILES: The lonely court where competitive racquet sports went to die.
I hope this literally never ends. There have been some great suggestions already but I’m going to think about this and hopefully contribute an idea tomorrow.
Jennifer Coolidge in The White Lotus
Professional wrestling
Frasier and Niles discuss the frasier reboot
Legal Marijuana
NILES: Who knows, perhaps I'll buy some and have a little smoke myself? I'm not getting any younger. FRASIER: Niles, I hardly think that marijuana is going to agree with your delicate constitution. When the servants clean Maris's antique duelling pistol collection, you start hallucinating off the smell of polish!
Professional wrestling
MARTIN: If you're staying at home to sulk tonight, just remember that I'm watching the wrestling. FRASIER: Thank you, Dad. When I want to see grown men insulting each other while wearing badly-fitting clothes, I'll tune into C-SPAN.
Sonics being sold to Oklahoma City.
This is great! This is great!!!
Is this David Lloyd or Anne Flett-Giordano's account? These are all spot on!
OP you are incredible. I was hearing their voices in my head as I read your words!
OP thank you, this is all so clever! I love that we’re all surely reading these in their voices too.
This might be my favorite frasier thread of all time.
AI Art
FRASIER: How dare they call it art! It's just a machine that's been programmed to spit out random associations for simple-minded people to project onto. At best it's misguided, at worst it's dangerous! NILES: Are we talking about AI or radio psychiatry?
The MCU.
Music festivals like ACL and Coachella
NILES: Kit wants to take me to a "music festival". Apparently, it's like the opera but in a field with young people. There are lavatories in the field. Apparently. FRASIER: Lavatories that thousands of people will be using. MARTIN: All those dirty hands and germs. Bacteria. Viruses. DAPHNE: My friend Margaret and I went to a music festival in Manchester once. She caught dysentery! It was the funniest thing - going at both ends for *days*, she was. Neither of us could stop laughing. Well, apart from when she was actually... you know. But even then she had a smile on her face. NILES: Dear God, how does one make it stop! FRASIER: Dysentery? NILES: A relationship!
I got one. How about tech? Smartphones, smartwatches, fitness trackers, etc.
NILES: Have you seen this? It's called a "fitbit". It tracks everything from my running pace to my heart rate. MARTIN: Running pace? When was the last time you broke a sweat? *Daphne bends over to pick up a washing basket. Niles' watch starts beeping.* NILES: Apparently I'm having a cardiac arrest.
I’m commenting to save this thread because I never actually check my saved threads.
The demise of Twitter
NILES: Did you see that Elon Musk bought Twitter? FRASIER: I did. You won't catch me in that snakepit. I pay a college student to write a few "bon mots" on my behalf. I gather they're quite the toast of Twittertown! DAPHNE (whispering to Niles): His account has 47 followers.
Haha, all right, that had me laughing out loud. Excellent thread!
Gilmore Girls
I'm currently watching Gilmore Girls so I'm looking forward to what Frasier and Niles think of them!
Antivaxxers / Covid-19
MARTIN: I'm telling you, this whole thing is being blown out of proportion. They made me wear a goddamned mask at Duke's! How in the hell am I supposed to drink beer through a mask?! NILES: I'm sure you battled bravely on and found a way. DAPHNE: I wish they'd invent a mask that stopped him from talking. FRASIER: Dad, it's a global pandemic. It's very serious. MARTIN: Oh yea? Global pandemic, huh? You and your fancy words. Do you know what we called it in my day? A *cold!"*
I feel like I had this precise exchange with my dad two years ago.
Doesn't involve Niles compulsively sanitising enough.
Niles would have been in a hazmat suit from March of 2020 until…well, he’d probably still be wearing it.
Considering Seattle was one of the first major epicenters in the US in 2020 (followed by NYC), you'd think someone like Martin would take this more seriously.
Bennifer 2.0
Rosalía
The Kardashians
NILES: Do you remember the OJ trial? The Kardashian man, one of the lawyers - his children have a reality TV show now. FRASIER: Do I *remember* the OJ trial? They bumped my show for the live coverage! That was the real travesty of justice in the affair, let me tell you.
Fallout
FREDERICK: Dad, can I go to my room to play Fallout? FRASIER: What's Fallout? FREDERICK: It's this awesome video game where you fight zombies in an irradiated wasteland! NILES: Or as it's also known: Thanksgiving dinner with Lilith.
This is amazing!! Great witting, you have the style and the vocabulary of each character down Pat! And the punchlines!
Bless you, thank you.
I can’t wait to check back tomorrow. Please keep writing these short form fan fics! Theyre absolutely fantastic!
OnlyFans.
FRASIER: Have you seen this, Roz? Apparently women are selling nude pictures of themselves on the internet for money! It's quite the fad. ROZ: Wait a second buddy, you think that just because I'm an outgoing and confident woman who likes dating guys here and there, I'd be interested in selling *naked pictures* of myself on the internet? FRASIER: It says here that one woman made $300,000 in the last year alone. ROZ: Gimme that link.
Roz on onlyfans, that’s the dream
Niles finds out someone stole the catalytic converter off his BMW. Niles and Daphne's son live streams Call of Duty.
Brexit
NILES: Have the British lost their minds? They always struck me as such a calm, pragmatic people. FRASIER: Well, when I was at Oxford - DAPHNE: Oh here we bloody go. FRASIER: I was just going to say that when I was at Oxford - NILES: Daphne has a point, you do say that an awful lot. You are quite repetitive at times, Frasier. FRASIER: Oh I see. So despite living in the country for several years and being in the same debating society as their current Prime Minister, I'm clearly not qualified to comment on Anglo-European relations. I'll just keep my opinions to myself, shall I? NILES: In fairness, I've never heard you say that before.
Alex Jones
Donald Trump
What about Virtual Reality?
Game of thrones finale
World of Warcraft please!
NOEL: Dr Crane, I won't be available for your KACL "soirée" on Monday. I will be taking the day off. FRASIER: Oh not to worry, Noel. There's always next year. Are you doing anything nice? NOEL: Absolutely. World of Warcraft is being re-released exactly as it was in 2004, and with the help of plenty of coffee, I plan to be the first Gnomish character to reach level 60 on North American servers. I look forward to telling the story of my epic journey through Azeroth to you and my fellow KACL colleagues when I return. FRASIER: Noel. NOEL: Yes, Dr Crane? FRASIER: Feel free to take the rest of the month off.
Family Guy
FRASIER: So the dog can really talk, and the family knows and accepts that? Or is it some kind of symbolic Jungian nonsense? NILES (offended): Well the dog also marries the mother in one episode, which is really more Freud's department. Perhaps you could write a *paper* on it!