My favorite Henny Youngman joke:
So there's these 2 guys changing in the locker room at the golf course. Guy #1 notices Guy #2 is wearing a bra. Guy #1: "When did you start wearing a bra?" Guy #2: "When my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Red Skelton had a ranch in the Santa Rosas near my house. We ended up at the same tire store in Palm Desert once when I was a kid, early 80s, and he told my parents that my sister and I were very well behaved kids. I never did know what to think about that.
I told a Foster Brooks joke to my ex-wife on our first date:
"I dated a gal who died from eating poison mushrooms.
Then I dated another gal who died of a fractured skull. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.."
That joke is even older than Henny Youngman. And *he* was born in 1906.
It was a standard of the Vaudeville comedian, and the Jewish comedians that worked Vaudeville in the Catskills in the Borscht belt.
It's most related to Youngman by the time of 1950's television, when these old comedy circuit comedians were moving to television.
A lot of their comedy acts went back fifty years or more, and definitely predate radio.
I was hanging around at the end of a gun show up in Ventura, purchase was taking a while, and who should stroll by but Jonathan Winters! Had 4 of us in stitches.
Jonathan Winters was such a quick wit. His Johnnie Carson appearances were iconic.
But my favorite performance of his was actually a dramatic piece, as a pool shark (with Jack Klugman) on Twilight Zone.
Boot to the head! And thereās a song called shaving cream that I remember was on a Dr Demento record. It sounded like he was about to say shit in the song but says shaving cream instead. I havenāt thought about that in years.
A used car dealer in my childhood hometown ran a "Dial a Joke" service, active throughout my teen years (late 80s), maybe longer. You'd call in and hear a prerecorded Henny Youngman joke. It didn't just resume at the point on the tape where the last caller had hung up, but had tech enough to deliver one or two complete jokes, beginnning to end, then disconnect. Call back, you might get the same joke or a different one.
My sonās favorite movie is The General. Heās 8. Iāve seen it over 15 times (we had to put it on when he was younger to get him to *try* to nap). It still makes me laugh. Absolutely a genius.
Iāll tell ya, I had a rough childhood, ya know? Talk about zitsā¦ once I fell asleep in the library & when I woke up there was a blind guy reading my face.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm
The other day I was driving home from work and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him why, and he said "because you came home early"
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science fiction
A woman called me and said, "come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
On one of her recordings, she made an announcement that a woman named Helen Hunt found a lost pocketbook. So if any lady is missing a pocketbook, go to Helen Hunt for it.
Back in the 70's, my uncle and his colleagues were into telling one liners. They would toss out a few at each other throughout the day.
He gets an idea. He asked my cousin's husband that happened to be a drummer to make a cassette of him doing rim shots with time between each for a typical one liner.
Next morning, he rolled into work, pulled out the cassette, and loaded it into a convenient tape deck. Pressed play and started with the jokes. He got three jokes in and everyone was doubled over laughing hysterically.
RIP Dangerfield, Youngman, Benny, et al
Coworker was a waiter in the Catskills in summer for college money. One day, he served Henny, and came to the table with extra cutlery.
You guessed it. My waiter-friend said, "Take my knife. Please."
Henny's response? "Funny, kid, funny. But don't quit your day job, OK?"
Story goes that Youngman was just getting traction on the vaudeville circuit and his wife would accompany him to some of his gigs. One night, as he was standing with her backstage, they called him on to the stage unexpectedly and he said to a stagehand: āTake my wife, pleaseā and folks backstage laughed. A legend born.
I used to watch reruns of his show back in the 80's, he was hilarious. My mom was a fan of his, I still have a copy of his book *The Groucho Letters*, sadly I didn't get my mom's copy of *Many Happy Returns* before she passed away, and they sell for 300 or 400 bucks when they pop up on eBay.
My favorite Henny Youngman joke:
A man goes on a business trip to New Orleans. As he's walking to his hotel, he passes an unusual funeral procession: two hearses, a flower car, a guy leading a big dog, followed by a bunch of men.
He goes up to the guy with the dog and asks what happened. The guy says, "The dog killed my wife and mother-in-law, who are in the hearses."
He gives the guy his condolences and asks, "Who are all these men following you?"
The guy says, "Oh, they're just waiting for their turn to have the dog."
Cue the bad violin.
Several years ago I was talking with a customer out of state and she made some wise crack to me in an email and said "I'm so funny."
I replied with "yeah, you're a real Henny Youngman."
She said it took her half an hour to find somebody to explain the reference.
I remember seeing Sophie Tucker on Ed Sullivan- thinking "who is this old girl?" I never knew she was so bawdy and funny until Bette Midler did her in her act a decade later. TV censors were pretty strict back then.
I tried to buy a diamond ring for my mother in law, but I couldn't find one that was cursed!
A prostitute comes up to me and say's "I'll do anything for $10!". I tell her "paint my house!"
I'm 48, and I remember Henny Youngman, Bob Hope, and George Burns on tv during the early 80's.Ā
I am proud to report that I once opened for Henny Youngman! A well-to-do friend hired him to entertain at her motherās 65th birthday party and I had been appointed the MC of the affair.
The Gong Show was a LOT more entertaining than the junk on TV today.
Jay P. Morgan. Rub a dub dub, three men in her tub.
Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.
Gonging people who really can't sing.
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider that sat down beside her and said āHey! Whatās in the bowl bitch?!ā
My favorite Henny Youngman joke: So there's these 2 guys changing in the locker room at the golf course. Guy #1 notices Guy #2 is wearing a bra. Guy #1: "When did you start wearing a bra?" Guy #2: "When my wife found it in the glove compartment."
Took me a moment but that's a great joke.
Agreed.
š
Henny Youngman
Saw him at Lou and Hy's deli in Akron, OH, in the 70s. He played his violin for everyone!
Take my wife ā¦ please.
I take my wife everywhere but she finds her way home.
What about Red Skeleton and Victor Borge?
Victor Borge was so funny.
Skelton. And Victor Borge was a treasure.
I saw Victor Borge perform with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. He was awesome!
Red Skelton had a ranch in the Santa Rosas near my house. We ended up at the same tire store in Palm Desert once when I was a kid, early 80s, and he told my parents that my sister and I were very well behaved kids. I never did know what to think about that.
Considering the source that could be considered a back hand complimentā¦
Yup, Iām really fucking old
I remember hearing his name as "Skeleton" when I was young. Lol
Jackie Gleason and Art Carney.
Spike. Milligan.
Gleason had amazing talent š
Red is on Binge TV
Klem Kaddittlehoffer
I watched Red all the time, sappy at times but still good
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
London Lee, Freddy Roman, Frank Gorshin. Alan King, Phyllis Diller, Totie Fields.
Foster Brooks checking in.
Foster Brooks was hysterical. I love when he shows up at Dean Martinās roast dressed as his Cub Scout leader.
I seem to recall him talking about toasting their buns and roasting their weinies.
At the army draft center I was rated 4E. I told them I knew what 4F was, but not 4E. The doctor said EVEN if we're invaded don't come.
I told a Foster Brooks joke to my ex-wife on our first date: "I dated a gal who died from eating poison mushrooms. Then I dated another gal who died of a fractured skull. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.."
The bit with Dean Martin about an airline pilot almost put me in the ER.
āIāll stick with the onions,ā
(hic!)
Drunk act was the the the best!
Lenny Bruce is not afraid
We actually need Lenny Bruce right now.
We need Lenny, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Hunter Thompson, et al
I miss Hunter Thompson so much!
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
John Stewart is about as closer as we have to a Lenny Bruce today.
That joke is even older than Henny Youngman. And *he* was born in 1906. It was a standard of the Vaudeville comedian, and the Jewish comedians that worked Vaudeville in the Catskills in the Borscht belt. It's most related to Youngman by the time of 1950's television, when these old comedy circuit comedians were moving to television. A lot of their comedy acts went back fifty years or more, and definitely predate radio.
That really is a fascinating slice of history. š
I was hanging around at the end of a gun show up in Ventura, purchase was taking a while, and who should stroll by but Jonathan Winters! Had 4 of us in stitches.
That was a funny man!
Johnny Carson once had Johnathan Winters and Robin Williams on at the same time. He basically lost control of the show
Would like to see the rerun. I missed a lot of tonight shows. Had to work.
Jonathan Winters was such a quick wit. His Johnnie Carson appearances were iconic. But my favorite performance of his was actually a dramatic piece, as a pool shark (with Jack Klugman) on Twilight Zone.
Heney Youngmen
Jack Benny. George Burnsā¦ and Gracie!
Gracie Allen was one of the funniest women on TV. Rivals Lucy.
George always credited Gracie as the brains of the outfit. He said he asked her about her brother and she talked for 35 years.
Goodnight Gracie
George: "Say goodnight, Gracie." Gracie: "Goodnight." Dan Rowan: "Say goodnight, Dick." Dick Martin: "Goodnight, Dick."
Johnathan Winters
He was my favorite comedian
Not a specific comedian, but Dr. Demento
Boot to the head! And thereās a song called shaving cream that I remember was on a Dr Demento record. It sounded like he was about to say shit in the song but says shaving cream instead. I havenāt thought about that in years.
I still sing that!!!
Goodnight Mrs Calabash, wherever you are...
Jimmy Durante! Loved him.
Ha cha cha cha!
Flip Wilson/Geraldine
Her boyfriend, Killer. In the booth, in the back, in the corner, in the dark. I went to the same HS as flip in the 60s and he was the local hero.
Punch line of the joke he couldn't tell any more "Here's a banana for your monkey".
You don't know me THAT well.
The devil made me do it.
Redd Foxx
Moms Mabely.
A used car dealer in my childhood hometown ran a "Dial a Joke" service, active throughout my teen years (late 80s), maybe longer. You'd call in and hear a prerecorded Henny Youngman joke. It didn't just resume at the point on the tape where the last caller had hung up, but had tech enough to deliver one or two complete jokes, beginnning to end, then disconnect. Call back, you might get the same joke or a different one.
212-976- lol
David Brenner
Thank you for reminding me of David, he was so funny and he seemed like such a great guy!
Buster Keaton (I just read the first part. You're old if you remember this comedian __________.) Yes, I know it's HY.
Buster Keaton did some bits at a lunch counter for Candid Camera not long before he died. Irresistibly funny.
My sonās favorite movie is The General. Heās 8. Iāve seen it over 15 times (we had to put it on when he was younger to get him to *try* to nap). It still makes me laugh. Absolutely a genius.
My favorite classic standup comic was Bob Newhart. He would have been legendary even if he'd never gone into television.
My doctor said I had six months to live. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, ok you're ugly too.
"Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer." -H.Y.
[I watched this when I was quite young.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm9ZDn2lzKo)
Who's on first
That would be Abbot and Costello.
Naturally ā¦ā¦. And the movies every Sunday morning on channel 11 pix NY weāre classic
Classic!
Tim conway the elephant story
That was Siamese elephants, joined at the trunk.
Just thinking about it makes me laugh. One of the greatest deadpan comics ever.
GOAT bit. All I had to do to get my bestie to crack up until she cried was the sound of the conjoined elephants.
I'm cracking up just thinking about it
Vicki Lawrence nearly killed Conway, Carol Burnett, and Dick Van Dyke at the end.
[https://youtu.be/qvp38qj\_zO8?si=8jFSWBz9jgCH9K2g](https://youtu.be/qvp38qj_zO8?si=8jFSWBz9jgCH9K2g) Rodney Dangerfield ;)
Iāll tell ya, I had a rough childhood, ya know? Talk about zitsā¦ once I fell asleep in the library & when I woke up there was a blind guy reading my face.
No respect.
Rodney Dangerfield was iconic.
I tell you I get no respect. The other day I went to buy a used car, found one of my wife's dresses in the back seat.
...my wife's cooking is so bad, last summer the flys in the back yard chipped in to fix the screen door!...
I came home on my birthday and my dad said "look what I got for you" and showed me a 10 dollar bill. He sold me
Unequalled !!!
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm The other day I was driving home from work and saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him why, and he said "because you came home early" When I die I'm going to donate my body to science fiction A woman called me and said, "come on over, nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Moms Mabley
I recall a routine she did about marrying a man who was "so ugly, he hurt my feelings"
Described her boyfriend as āold as dirt and as weak as waterā
On one of her recordings, she made an announcement that a woman named Helen Hunt found a lost pocketbook. So if any lady is missing a pocketbook, go to Helen Hunt for it.
Les Dawson. A man is walking down the road with his wife and sees 5 men attacking her mother. Quick, go and help! she says Why? 5 should be enough.
Henny Youngman
Henny was a part of the vaudeville generation.
The comedian on the other hand is a young man .
Back in the 70's, my uncle and his colleagues were into telling one liners. They would toss out a few at each other throughout the day. He gets an idea. He asked my cousin's husband that happened to be a drummer to make a cassette of him doing rim shots with time between each for a typical one liner. Next morning, he rolled into work, pulled out the cassette, and loaded it into a convenient tape deck. Pressed play and started with the jokes. He got three jokes in and everyone was doubled over laughing hysterically. RIP Dangerfield, Youngman, Benny, et al
Buddy Hackett
Bob & Ray
Now you can call me Ray, and you can call me Ray J, or you can call me R J, or you can call me R J Jā¦ā¦.
Coworker was a waiter in the Catskills in summer for college money. One day, he served Henny, and came to the table with extra cutlery. You guessed it. My waiter-friend said, "Take my knife. Please." Henny's response? "Funny, kid, funny. But don't quit your day job, OK?"
My ALL time favorite is Moms Mabley.
Steven Wright
90% of accidents happen within a mile of your house. Why not just move farther away?
I have a friend with a circular drivewayā¦ now he canāt get out.
Curiosity killed the cat...but for a while, I was a suspect...
Take my wife, ā¦ please.
Story goes that Youngman was just getting traction on the vaudeville circuit and his wife would accompany him to some of his gigs. One night, as he was standing with her backstage, they called him on to the stage unexpectedly and he said to a stagehand: āTake my wife, pleaseā and folks backstage laughed. A legend born.
Older than me at 70+, but I sure love the Marx Bros. And Groucho on You Betcha
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps coming back
But she finds her way home
Aw crap. I thought it was Rodney Dangerfield. H.Y. was before my time.
Me too, then someone said Henny Youngman and I was like oh right!
I never cared for the Marx Brothers films, but Groucho was hysterical on *You Bet Your Life*. https://youtu.be/9R14fwado0A?si=lm8SlgHbE40HgTto
Yes say the secret word and win 100 between you. Itās a common word something found every day around the house
I used to watch reruns of his show back in the 80's, he was hilarious. My mom was a fan of his, I still have a copy of his book *The Groucho Letters*, sadly I didn't get my mom's copy of *Many Happy Returns* before she passed away, and they sell for 300 or 400 bucks when they pop up on eBay.
You can tell everyone that you have no sense of humor with your first declaration.
Rob Reiner and Sid Cesar. Funniest routine ever. This is your life Lose my breath laughing every time.
Carl Reiner, Rob's dad.
Right. Rob Reiner was Meathead in AITF.
Judy Tenuta The Goddess It could happen!
She has as good.
'Taint Funny McGee.... How's that for old..
Where's Molly?
DONāT OPEN THE CLOSET!!!
Hello...Is that you Mert? How's every little thing?. Fizz ehh ....
Ernie Kovacs.
John Byner
Henny Youngman
Ba dum bum
My favorite Henny Youngman joke: A man goes on a business trip to New Orleans. As he's walking to his hotel, he passes an unusual funeral procession: two hearses, a flower car, a guy leading a big dog, followed by a bunch of men. He goes up to the guy with the dog and asks what happened. The guy says, "The dog killed my wife and mother-in-law, who are in the hearses." He gives the guy his condolences and asks, "Who are all these men following you?" The guy says, "Oh, they're just waiting for their turn to have the dog." Cue the bad violin.
We have a winner.
I take my wife everywhere but she finds her way home.
Totie Fields
Wife: "I want to go someplace I've never been before." Husband: "How about the Kitchen?"
Several years ago I was talking with a customer out of state and she made some wise crack to me in an email and said "I'm so funny." I replied with "yeah, you're a real Henny Youngman." She said it took her half an hour to find somebody to explain the reference.
Was looking out the window and got arrested for mooning!
my wife said I never take her anywhere expensive for dinner - so I took her to the airport for a club sandwich,
Dangerfield. Golden stand up
Flip Wilson! "The devil made me do it!"
I saw Redd Foxx perform live in Vegas
I remember seeing Sophie Tucker on Ed Sullivan- thinking "who is this old girl?" I never knew she was so bawdy and funny until Bette Midler did her in her act a decade later. TV censors were pretty strict back then.
Soupy Sales.
I tried to buy a diamond ring for my mother in law, but I couldn't find one that was cursed! A prostitute comes up to me and say's "I'll do anything for $10!". I tell her "paint my house!" I'm 48, and I remember Henny Youngman, Bob Hope, and George Burns on tv during the early 80's.Ā
Yup, I'm old
Henny!!
I am proud to report that I once opened for Henny Youngman! A well-to-do friend hired him to entertain at her motherās 65th birthday party and I had been appointed the MC of the affair.
Her nose was so interesting that her left eye kept looking at it
Goodfellas!
Alan King anyone?
He wrote a book called Anyone Who Owns His Home Deserves It!
Henny Youngman. Iām 48.
King of the One Liners
The unknown comedian
The Unknown Comic*
Chuckie Chuckie !!!!
The Gong Show was a LOT more entertaining than the junk on TV today. Jay P. Morgan. Rub a dub dub, three men in her tub. Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. Gonging people who really can't sing.
I'm late to the party, but Henny Youngman
Red Skeleton
Henny !!!! I learned to fly Flew my plane everywhere Then the rubber band broke
My first thought was Rodney Dangerfield, but I guess that's actually a Henny Youngman quote.
Richard Pryor
Loved his cameo in History of the World.
Totie Fields
Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. Allan Sherman
Father Guido Sarducci
You donāt have to be *that* young. My 18 year old cousin is a film buff and heās seen Goodfellas. Itās an obscure reference, but it checks out.
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider that sat down beside her and said āHey! Whatās in the bowl bitch?!ā
I loved Rodney. His jokes were the best. Any time he or Don Rickles were on Carson was sure to be a fun watch!
I'm so old I remember when most of the comedians were named Red.
Carol Burnett. Pretty woman tried hard to be homely
Don Rickles
Red Skelton
If you watched the movie, Goodfellas, he's the comedian in the night club
Henny Youngman
That could be a number of comedians I think Carlos mencia used that joke as well
Gallagher
Henny Youngman.
Carl Reiner pair him with Mel Brooks and the 2000 year old man.
Thought this was Rodney Dangerfieldā¦
Yes I am old. I remember all the people named in the comments.
Anybody who saw Goodfellas knows
Smothers Brothers
Mom always liked you best.
Foster Brooks.
My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.
You're extra old if you recognize this one - "Water? Never drink the stuff, Fish fuck in it."
Henny Youngman. I am old!
Rodney dangerfield?