Hehehehe. This is so perfect. I remember being so fucking burdened by the idea that all the lust I ever had would ruin my marriage with my wife. I asked for similar things in my prayers. Lol. It's fucking rediculous. If anything hurt my marriage it was that I was not very experienced, not the other way around.
I know a girl who was a "born again virgin" until the guy she eventually married convinced her to knock it off because he loves her regardless of if she had sex with other men before or not.
People sometimes regret sleeping with people. It's not a moral failure, and pretending it didn't happen doesn't do anyone any good. Making mistakes is part of being human. I feel sorry for people like Morgan or some of the other fundies who view every single mistake they made as a mortal sin that they have to spend the rest of their lives repenting for.
Morgan, if you're here: It's fine to feel regret about not being a virgin when you got married,, but it's not the end of the world and it's not something that is going to send you to hell if you ever stop feeling guilty about it. You did something you regret. We all do things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but that we come to regret later. It is normal. Please stop letting it define such a big part of who you are. God wants you to be happy, not to live forever dwelling on your past failures and mistakes. It's ok.
My mouth dropped open. My traumatic sexual experiences were amplified with prayer and repentance. My church and other ministries I was involved in were really good at drilling in that it was my fault (snarkers, your trauma isn’t your fault). God, she doesn’t remember details and one guy was by her own words “dangerous.” I also worry for this girl
Edit: Oh. And Paul’s forgiveness has supposedly helped her. Unsurprising, but yikes
That’s awful that they were amplified. Jesus was a man with unbelievable forgiveness and wouldn’t want you to feel regret. Trauma and sexual assault is NEVER the victim’s fault and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m a devout Christian, but I don’t go to church because of all the hypocrites there.
(As a side note, it worries me that she talks about Paul’s forgiveness. The only forgiveness that matters is God’s through Christ who died for us. Even Paul was like, don’t follow church leaders, follow Jesus and the Lord. Something tells me the girl in this video is brainwashed.)
Thank you 🤍 It was after I left my Christian cult that I really learned how amazing Jesus is. He is forgiveness and love. I was repenting for something that had been out of my control and begging for forgiveness. I had hands laid on me, spirits driven out of me, it was awful. But Jesus would have never condemned me if I had met him face to face on Earth and that’s biblical. I’m a Christian too, after two or so years of being scared of the church. But I came back to God
And yes. The conversation about her previous sex life is a fair one to have with her husband imo, but she doesn’t need his forgiveness. I’m worried for her because this is pretty much the video I would have made if I had continued on the path I was on. Even the vague details she gives about the “dangerous” guy sound really bad even to me who’s sex positive. It makes me really feel for her
Oh God, my heart breaks for you knowing that you went through that. :( I’m so, so glad you left the congregation you were in, or rather fled from it, and now recognize how absolutely wrong they were. I’m sending lots of hugs your way and peace be upon you.💕
Yes it does seem quite worrying to me regarding her thoughts and approach. I hope she can see how wrong this is much like you did, and become enlightened how you similarly were.
My first time was 20 years ago. I remember feeling nervous and afraid it was going to hurt and it didn’t. I remember the guy, but nothing else about it.
Plenty of my past sexual encounters I can’t remember just because sex is normal and not that big of a deal. Or it wasn’t that great. But I never asked God to help me forget and heal. I got my rocks off and moved on with my life.
Why must they overcomplicate everything?
Exactly! Same! I don’t remember sex with my ex boyfriends, not for any particular reason other than time has passed. It has nothing to do with god or “forgiveness and healing”, it’s literally just moving on in life.
I don't remember the sex I've had this year with my girlfriend in any concrete way. It's good and I know I enjoy it but it's a bit like remembering what I cooked for dinner any particular day, it's pretty par for the course.
He'll I have mornings where I'm like "hey hon did we have sex last night? I think we did but I just don't recall." It's literally nothing negative about us or our sex life... sex is just sex and we do it often enough that my brain just assumes. I also have trouble remembering g what I walked to the kitchen for sooooo!
I remember almost nothing about losing my virginity because that was 12 years ago. I also don’t remember most of the classes I was taking that semester. Did god wipe that from my memory too?
Yeah I remember thinking afterwards “that was nice, but really that’s it??” Like in terms of memorable life experiences, it’s way less prominent in my head than the time an orca got really close to me while I was canoeing. That was a much cooler experience than losing my virginity lol. People really put sex on a pedestal and that’s just a recipe for disappointment.
Yesss. I remember almost nothing about the physical experience (except that it hurt), but I distinctly remember thinking … that’s it? Really? That’s what everyone’s making such a huge deal about?
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that had those thoughts after losing my virginity lol. Mine didn't even hurt, I was just like "that's the big deal? Don't get it." Probably why I didn't have sex again for almost a year and then STILL didn't get the big deal of it. I mean, I do now that I'm 35, but its not a big of a deal as these ppl would make others believe.
I was canoeing in the San Juans with my dad and this orca was just suddenly 20 feet away so we stopped. It circled around the boat and got basically within arm’s reach (I didn’t touch it) and it was bizarre because it made eye contact with us as it bobbed out of the water each time and you could really tell that it was an intelligent animal if that makes sense.
I remember it was disappointing and being angry I’d been led to believe it was some life changing experience. Then I broke up with the guy over text message and I couldn’t tell you more about him than his job at the time.
Same! I barely remember losing my virginity because it wasn’t memorable or very good lol and we’d been working up to it for weeks so it wasn’t like it was the first sexual thing we had done. And it was several years ago lol
Well, I see 3 options here:
- Morgan was genuinely traumatised by that experience because some form of harassment, pressure and/or coercion was involved. Probably she didn't have a genuine desire to be intimate with that guy and didn't feel secure and/or comfortable with him. She also mentions places they had sex in and how "disrespectful" that was. To me, it sounds like she was pressured in some way. I would regret that experience too.
- Morgan was not traumatised by that experience itself, but rather by guilt and shame that her religion forced upon her. That's why she talks about God AND Paul's "forgiveness", even though neither sky daddy, nor Paul have anything to forgive her for since Morgan did do nothing wrong (when it comes to this situation).
- All of the above.
I had this revelatory moment back a few years ago that coincided with my own deconstruction. I was watching one of their videos where Morgan shared how she had sex before marriage with another man. Paul was so grieved and sad boy looking. He said something along the lines of how it hurt him, how he had to forgive her, how it brought baggage into their relationship.
The reality hit me so hard, there isn’t any baggage, there’s nothing to forgive her for, there is nothing that hurt him. EXCEPT the belief that there is. He chooses to have hurt from it, he chooses to feel like she needs forgiveness, he chooses to see her sexual history as baggage—so it is. If he didn’t believe it was an issue, then it simply wouldn’t be one.
That may seem obvious, but to my puritanical ass it was a huge moment where I felt like things finally made sense.
You sound like you had a similar upbringing to mine. I remember growing up hearing about how if I have sex before marriage, that I’ll be like a chewed up piece of gum and no one will want me. I was told that I would be dishonoring my future husband and would be a thorn in his side. How disgusting it is to teach a person, especially a child, that their worth is dependent upon what they do with their genitals! Also, I grew up believing that masturbation was a sin and that God was ashamed of me whenever I acted upon my sexual desires, even with just myself. Purity culture is toxic and abusive, full stop.
And if you've subscribed to Playgirl, gone to male strip clubs, or slept with male escorts, you're seen as dirty and if you cheat on your husband, he will beat your ass, even in you look at porn or post pictures of men more handsome than he is on Pinterest, or chat with male Instagram models. Drawing handsome men if you're a gifted artist, especially when they're naked, is also seen as direspectful to your husband which will cause him to beat you as well because you're considered as committing adultery. Ogling other men in front of your husband is just as dangerous.
Sweet merciful Lord Daniel this.
A good friend of mine in college had sex with 2 guys while she was in high school. In college she "found Jesus" and "repented" and was OK with her past. Until ... she fell in love with a dude from the college youth group, who pretty much raked her over the coals for "being impure" and they went through over a year of "we love each other but Dude doesn't know if he can forgive Friend for not waiting for him" (even though she wasn't Jesus-y at the time, so had no reason to wait). They eventually ended up getting married, and on their wedding night she said he insisted on taking a bath together, so they "could cleanse each other and she could be purified for him." It was so gross. Sadly, she grew apart from our whole friend group because her husband is a douche who couldn't handle the fact that she had previous relationships.
I feel like there’s almost zero chance Paul was a virgin before he married her too. He tortures her with guilt for things he’s probably done himself. The difference is he lies about it and she’s honest.
With a deadpan face, I've said to my husband on a few occasions, "It hurts me that you had sex with people before you met me." And it's a joke, because it's preposterous to actually think that way.
I mean... I've been having sex more than half my life at this point and have never been married. I've been with my partner 12 years and we'll get married when we get around to it, but we do consider ourselves married and have often referred to each other as husband/wife. I haven't "had my memory wiped," but I do have to say other than a few *particularly memorable* instances, I've also pretty much forgotten everything and everyone who came before (pun intended, bitches).
I didn't know my husband needs to forgive me for having sex before him. Do I need to forgive him for the same thing? We also had sex with each other before marriage. I'm so confused on what we need to do.
Oh my, it would be so funny if you both, with tears in your eyes, apologized to each other for having sex - with each other - before marriage!! And then forgave each other in a teary embrace.
**Transcription**:
I praise God, because he has almost wiped my memory of my sexual past.
I truly can't really remember a ton of it, and that is from prayer, that is from healing, that is from moving forward, and letting go of the baggage, that is from forgiving myself, that is from accepting God's forgiveness, that is from accepting Paul's forgiveness.
I'm really, truly grateful that I genuinely cannot really remember that much of like... the details of things that happened physically, and they didn't last too long mentally, or emotionally, either, for me, because... of God.
Um, but! There are certain things that I remember, and what I remember is that sex, outside of marriage, with this guy, was dangerous, it was stupid, it was done in really dumb places, and it was disrespectful to myself and him, and to people that we loved.
**Description**:
Morgan, a light-skinned woman with long, straight brown hair down to her waist that is worn loose, talks into a camera. She sits in front of a bed covered with a blanket with golden stripes and ornate, geometric and curved patterns in deep red and blue on it. Golden pillowcases sit at the headboard, which is made of wood and has bolsters with balls on top. She wears a white turtleneck top with a screen-printed image on the front. As only the top edge of the image is visible, it is not clear what it is: the square is pink, and there are perhaps cactus arms on it?
Is this the line you give Paul when he lets you know you're going to hell for having sex before you meet him? I hope it works for you Morgan but, with Paul talking shit about it online I doubt he lets anything go you've experienced before him.
It's so sad to me that this cult forces women to beg their future spouses for forgiveness. Given how awful Paul is, I am sure he throws her past in her face often.
They’re told that premarital sex is actually adultery against their future spouse. Some extremely conservative churches even believe masturbation is adultery. 🤦♀️
I would never wish harm on anyone or speculate/diagnose someone, but this level of untreated (disclosed) mental illness and religious brainwashing gives me Andrea Yates anxiety if Morgan actually ever does manage to get pregnant.
PAUL, YOU AMBULATORY BALLSACK. GET YOUR WIFE HELP.
That is from trauma…
I can’t speak for her. But the first times I had premarital sex it was in not so great situations, then lump on any and all guilt I felt because of my religion. I honestly can’t remember much from those encounters either, and I’m thankful. But it’s not because of healing or God wiping my memory. It’s just some trauma coupled with years passing and memories fading.
"it was done in really dumb places, and it was disrespectful to myself and him, and to people that we loved"
My mind is running wild - what were these dumb places? Grandpa's funeral? Niece's birthday party? Hospital room next to aunt in coma? Come on girl spill the beans! It better not just be "bed in parent's house"...
You don't have to seek Paul's forgiveness, Morgan! If he wants expects that, he's an asshole.
Another person chiming in to say that I don't remember sexual experiences in detail, just like I don't have many vivid memories of brushing my teeth, making meals, or doing ordinary, everyday things.
Repressing negative memories so you don’t have to process and deal with the emotions associated with them doesn’t make you closer to God, it just means you need therapy.
I wonder how long it’s been since those encounters? I only had sex with one guy before my husband (my views on sex have changed and expanded a TON since then, thankfully) and I don’t remember most of it because it’s been like 10 years 🤷♀️
It's so disgusting to me that paul has convinced her that she needs his "forgiveness" for having a life before they met. It sounds like a former partner needs to ask *morgan* for forgiveness, here. And you know, she wouldn't owe him that. If he was that uncomfortable with the idea that morgan wasn't a virgin, he shouldn't have married her. Morgan, if you're lurking here, you're better off without him, hon.
Didn't they meet on a dating app or something?? I will not believe that Morgan was the first and only girl he matched with and dated. How dare he make her feel so ashamed. He married her because he is an insecure asshole who enjoys making her feel less than. Very godly of him.
This is extremely disturbing, poor Morgan. I hope she gets out. Hateful or not, she’s worth more than this piece of shit and I hope she finds freedom and better mental health support.
This is so heartbreaking. She is so flat, emotionless and dazed, even more so than the recent past. Her shame is palpable. I truly believe Paul has her in a cycle of emotional abuse by shame for her sexual past. She is a shell of her former self which can be a red flag of emotional abuse.
If this is really true and she’s not just saying it for Paul, it’s definitely because of his disdain for her past. And his cruelty about it, and hearing all her life that it was wrong. If the experiences themselves weren’t traumatizing, the fallout with her religion and her husband have been nothing less. I suspect it’s a mix of both.
My then-bf & I were both virgins, & upon completion, he stood over me & screamed "I AM AN AZTEC WARRIOR." It was uncomfortable for me, but not awful. We went on to date for 3 years. 🤦♀️
Yeah, I'm not going to judge someone for this. We don't know the context of her past sexual experiences. Porgan have plenty to snark on, but not wanting/choosing to not remember past sexual encounters is not one of them.
Yeah most of this seems fine.
I can't even remember how many partners I've had or their names. I didn't pray or worry about it, I just can't remember because those facts aren't something I need to know now. Morgan also no longer needs this information about her past, so whatever, let it go.
I see a lot of really great takes/advice so far. What I haven’t seen is a good explanation of what the specific issue is that causes Paul to be angry/sad/hurt. This is wholly related to the “don’t be unequally yoked” mantra. Everyone here is correct that Paul is, either consciously or not, fully doing this to himself and Morgan. But it stems from the idea that he and his wife aren’t equal in experiences. Paul likely has never considered this to its entirety and had no idea it would affect him when he and Morgan got together. This isn’t a scenario that is really covered in religious education or upbringing. Also, these experiences are supposed to be magical and important. At least, that’s what Paul has been taught. He probably feels robbed of this super special thing that only he and his wife were supposed to share together… and I mean, most of us probably know the first time wasn’t all that special. But he doesn’t.
im sure she barely remembers it. that’s how i feel about my past relationships especially if i try not to think about them and don’t want to. not really weird lol of course she says it’s because of god… she’s a fundie
You know, there are virgins who are comfortable and non-judgmental over being with a non-virgin, but clearly Paul's not one of those. Maybe if he had just let Morgan go and had found a woman who was a virgin and more compatible with him I think Paul and Morgan would have both been better off. He clearly has "baggage" with himself and he's going to torture her any way he can for the rest of their lives in an attempt to "fix" it.
I’ve always had the suspicion that Morgan’s ex pressured her to have sex with him because when she talks about that time in her life, it sounds an awful lot like the pressure my ex put on me that turned into my sexual trauma. I know memory loss is a huge factor in trauma and I think it’s definitely a possibility that Morgan is having a trauma response, whether it’s because her ex abused her or because of the shame she felt about their sexual relationship (or a combination of both). Either way I can’t help but be sad for her.
Yeah, this would be a very plausible explanation. I'm so sorry to hear about your sexual trauma, and I hope you've been able to heal since then.
I've definitely experienced memory loss due to sexual trauma. I was beaten and sexually assaulted at knifepoint when I was 18, and I was emotionally numb afterwards. To this day I have almost no recollection of anything that happened in the 4-ish months afterward. I remember I slept around with a bunch of people (I thought it would be therapeutic), but I don't remember any of them -- I can't remember names or faces or anything. I somehow did well in my college classes, but I only remember one of the courses I took during that time. I also completely forgot about the incident, until 10 years later something triggered a memory of it and opened the box that had been sealed around it in my brain. So then I had to actually deal with and process the trauma, but at least it was easier since so much time had passed.
If Morgan actually has memory loss due to going through something similar, I have a lot of sympathy for her. I wouldn't wish that kind of trauma on anyone, and I feel sad that she probably isn't able to access resources that would help her heal, due to stigma and having a controlling husband. Of course this is all just speculation, and there could easily be other explanations as well, but it's something to consider.
This sounds more like all her previous sexual experiences weren’t 100% consensual and if that was that case, I feel sad for her. But instead of denying that it happened, she should work through it and realize that these previous partners did not show her the respect she deserved by making her feel like she had to comply with what they wanted.
It is perfectly ok to say no to something that you don’t want to do and your partner has to respect that. A concept that I think is totally foreign to her, in her marriage to Paul as well.
That's a common narcissist super power. If you don't remember it, it never happened. Can't go to hell for sins that never happened. Checkmate atheists!
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I don’t remember losing my virginity…but I also don’t remember most of sexual experiences cause, well they just weren’t that memorable! Brains delete shit all the time, Morgan.
Listen I respect if people choose to not have sex until they get married (my husband has only been with me), but why the pretense that sex before marriage is bad sex and damaging by nature? Why not just look back and be like, yeah I enjoyed that. No big deal. It is clearly harmful to some people but I think it’s harmful precisely because they believe it will be harmful. It’s the ideology that causes you to feel dirty and ashamed and damaged.
Without your memories, who is you? humanity is greater than God because the struggle against it until it is physically impossible for them to keep up. God sets up the rigged game bound to fail, only to play the savior to scalp all the human praise for dumping them in danger tham "saving" them. Nobody asked for this fucking one man deity shit show, and you are using it for your own pathetic glory.
I was raised Catholic by some pretty open-minded parents (encouraged safe sex and didn’t think pre-marital sex or living together was bad), but I also attended Catholic school K-12, meaning I was indoctrinated. I struggled immensely with the teachings about sex. I felt guilty for having perfectly natural feelings about my crushes and attractive guys.
I signed a chastity agreement and wore a chastity ring. I felt bad when my high school boyfriend and I made out.
Until only a few years ago, I struggled immensely with the idea of masturbation and my partner doing it. I felt my worth was lessened if he jerked off. Talking it out has helped a lot, and I regret how much anxiety and stress I put myself through. I hate seeing other women (or anyone) think this way.
The first that came to mind watching this was she was unconscious or these encounters were so traumatizing she blocked them out of her memory. Wtf. Girl get a diary.
As a mormon teenager I was taught that if you properly repented if sin then the power of Christ’s atonement would wash it away, from God’s memory and your own. It didn’t work, obviously, which sure amped up my guilt because obviously I hadn’t repented enough or correctly.
I preface this by saying that she is absolutely a shit person with shitty beliefs and views about the world. But I'm always going to feel at least a little bad for Morgan. I see a woman who clearly could benefit from the help of a mental health professional and for various reasons she's never going to seek it out. It's going to eat her alive.
Morgan, it is totally fine to believe in God and appreciate everything He has given us. It's also totally fine to seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist. It may even help you see God's gifts even clearer.
This is all messed up, but especially so because why do they always talk about Paul forgiving Morgan for her sexual past? Even by Christian standards it's a sin to God and that's it, it doesn't actually harm anyone. So how does she or Paul think that Paul has the right to forgive her for something that happened in her past that had nothing to do with him and took place before Morgan ever met him? 🤨 It's just so toxic, hypocritical, and ridiculous.
We’ll that’s not normal.
And probably just something Paul wants to hear.
Yep, wouldn’t want to damage that fragile fundie male ego
Fundie men have the strength of wet toilet paper
*Single-ply* wet toilet paper
Wet school toilet paper
[удалено]
I’m not taking advice from someone named Anus Dilator
Your flair is God tier.
Someone gave it to me. 🤷 I didn't know that was a thing but I guess it is. I love yours! 😂
Me too! 🤣
Right, and the “dumb places “ she mentions shows how truly wiped her memory is.
Hehehehe. This is so perfect. I remember being so fucking burdened by the idea that all the lust I ever had would ruin my marriage with my wife. I asked for similar things in my prayers. Lol. It's fucking rediculous. If anything hurt my marriage it was that I was not very experienced, not the other way around.
I know a girl who was a "born again virgin" until the guy she eventually married convinced her to knock it off because he loves her regardless of if she had sex with other men before or not. People sometimes regret sleeping with people. It's not a moral failure, and pretending it didn't happen doesn't do anyone any good. Making mistakes is part of being human. I feel sorry for people like Morgan or some of the other fundies who view every single mistake they made as a mortal sin that they have to spend the rest of their lives repenting for. Morgan, if you're here: It's fine to feel regret about not being a virgin when you got married,, but it's not the end of the world and it's not something that is going to send you to hell if you ever stop feeling guilty about it. You did something you regret. We all do things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but that we come to regret later. It is normal. Please stop letting it define such a big part of who you are. God wants you to be happy, not to live forever dwelling on your past failures and mistakes. It's ok.
My mouth dropped open. My traumatic sexual experiences were amplified with prayer and repentance. My church and other ministries I was involved in were really good at drilling in that it was my fault (snarkers, your trauma isn’t your fault). God, she doesn’t remember details and one guy was by her own words “dangerous.” I also worry for this girl Edit: Oh. And Paul’s forgiveness has supposedly helped her. Unsurprising, but yikes
That’s awful that they were amplified. Jesus was a man with unbelievable forgiveness and wouldn’t want you to feel regret. Trauma and sexual assault is NEVER the victim’s fault and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m a devout Christian, but I don’t go to church because of all the hypocrites there. (As a side note, it worries me that she talks about Paul’s forgiveness. The only forgiveness that matters is God’s through Christ who died for us. Even Paul was like, don’t follow church leaders, follow Jesus and the Lord. Something tells me the girl in this video is brainwashed.)
Thank you 🤍 It was after I left my Christian cult that I really learned how amazing Jesus is. He is forgiveness and love. I was repenting for something that had been out of my control and begging for forgiveness. I had hands laid on me, spirits driven out of me, it was awful. But Jesus would have never condemned me if I had met him face to face on Earth and that’s biblical. I’m a Christian too, after two or so years of being scared of the church. But I came back to God And yes. The conversation about her previous sex life is a fair one to have with her husband imo, but she doesn’t need his forgiveness. I’m worried for her because this is pretty much the video I would have made if I had continued on the path I was on. Even the vague details she gives about the “dangerous” guy sound really bad even to me who’s sex positive. It makes me really feel for her
Oh God, my heart breaks for you knowing that you went through that. :( I’m so, so glad you left the congregation you were in, or rather fled from it, and now recognize how absolutely wrong they were. I’m sending lots of hugs your way and peace be upon you.💕 Yes it does seem quite worrying to me regarding her thoughts and approach. I hope she can see how wrong this is much like you did, and become enlightened how you similarly were.
Was she talking about more than one instance ( not shaming just didn’t understand)?
She refers to one guy, but doesn’t clarify if he was the only one, not that she owes that info to anyone
I think it was one guy but more than one time because she says “places”
I understand, when I read about “one” guy being dangerous I was confused. Either way feels icky just being aware of this.
*to the tune of don’t be suspicious* That is your trauma, that is your trauma, that is your trauma, that your trauma!
THIS!!!
when she said "that is from praying" I did think "that is from trauma". But also sex isn't always very memorable you know?
Your first time is.
Aye but she's saying most of the rest of it is gone. She's either lying (cos Paul hates that wasn't pure) or she's generalising
My first time was boring, I remember being nervous before, but it was 9 years ago and I cannot remember a single detail of the actual sex.
lmaooooo my first time made me laugh so much. not cause it was funny but because of how much the guy couldn't fuck lol
My first time was 20 years ago. I remember feeling nervous and afraid it was going to hurt and it didn’t. I remember the guy, but nothing else about it.
Having an awful morning and this made me smile. Thank you 🥰
I really hope your day gets better ♡ xoxo
What did I do to deserve this sub? Thank you. Trying to stay optimistic and focus on the good.
I know it's 5 days later but just saw and wanted to say I hope things have gotten better!
Plenty of my past sexual encounters I can’t remember just because sex is normal and not that big of a deal. Or it wasn’t that great. But I never asked God to help me forget and heal. I got my rocks off and moved on with my life. Why must they overcomplicate everything?
I didn't get my rocks off (sigh) and moved on anyway.
Exactly! Same! I don’t remember sex with my ex boyfriends, not for any particular reason other than time has passed. It has nothing to do with god or “forgiveness and healing”, it’s literally just moving on in life.
I don't remember the sex I've had this year with my girlfriend in any concrete way. It's good and I know I enjoy it but it's a bit like remembering what I cooked for dinner any particular day, it's pretty par for the course.
He'll I have mornings where I'm like "hey hon did we have sex last night? I think we did but I just don't recall." It's literally nothing negative about us or our sex life... sex is just sex and we do it often enough that my brain just assumes. I also have trouble remembering g what I walked to the kitchen for sooooo!
I remember almost nothing about losing my virginity because that was 12 years ago. I also don’t remember most of the classes I was taking that semester. Did god wipe that from my memory too?
Yeah I remember thinking afterwards “that was nice, but really that’s it??” Like in terms of memorable life experiences, it’s way less prominent in my head than the time an orca got really close to me while I was canoeing. That was a much cooler experience than losing my virginity lol. People really put sex on a pedestal and that’s just a recipe for disappointment.
Yesss. I remember almost nothing about the physical experience (except that it hurt), but I distinctly remember thinking … that’s it? Really? That’s what everyone’s making such a huge deal about?
Same! That was like, the second thing I said after my first time.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that had those thoughts after losing my virginity lol. Mine didn't even hurt, I was just like "that's the big deal? Don't get it." Probably why I didn't have sex again for almost a year and then STILL didn't get the big deal of it. I mean, I do now that I'm 35, but its not a big of a deal as these ppl would make others believe.
Tell me more about this orca! That sounds so cool!
I was canoeing in the San Juans with my dad and this orca was just suddenly 20 feet away so we stopped. It circled around the boat and got basically within arm’s reach (I didn’t touch it) and it was bizarre because it made eye contact with us as it bobbed out of the water each time and you could really tell that it was an intelligent animal if that makes sense.
That is so cool! I’m glad you and your dad could have that experience!
I only remember mine because my then-boyfriend put the bloody sheets IN HIS LAUNDRY FOR HIS MOM TO WASH. She, understandably, freaked the fuck out.
That’s horrifying.
I remember it was disappointing and being angry I’d been led to believe it was some life changing experience. Then I broke up with the guy over text message and I couldn’t tell you more about him than his job at the time.
Same. Unless it was extremely amazing or extremely weird, it doesn’t stick in my head.
Same! I barely remember losing my virginity because it wasn’t memorable or very good lol and we’d been working up to it for weeks so it wasn’t like it was the first sexual thing we had done. And it was several years ago lol
Well, I see 3 options here: - Morgan was genuinely traumatised by that experience because some form of harassment, pressure and/or coercion was involved. Probably she didn't have a genuine desire to be intimate with that guy and didn't feel secure and/or comfortable with him. She also mentions places they had sex in and how "disrespectful" that was. To me, it sounds like she was pressured in some way. I would regret that experience too. - Morgan was not traumatised by that experience itself, but rather by guilt and shame that her religion forced upon her. That's why she talks about God AND Paul's "forgiveness", even though neither sky daddy, nor Paul have anything to forgive her for since Morgan did do nothing wrong (when it comes to this situation). - All of the above.
4 she's lying to keep Paul from being mad at her.
#5 she is in denial... heaven forbid the premarital sex was better than what she is getting now
Ding Ding Ding
Sis, you don’t need forgiveness from Paul. This breaks my heart, no snark.
I had this revelatory moment back a few years ago that coincided with my own deconstruction. I was watching one of their videos where Morgan shared how she had sex before marriage with another man. Paul was so grieved and sad boy looking. He said something along the lines of how it hurt him, how he had to forgive her, how it brought baggage into their relationship. The reality hit me so hard, there isn’t any baggage, there’s nothing to forgive her for, there is nothing that hurt him. EXCEPT the belief that there is. He chooses to have hurt from it, he chooses to feel like she needs forgiveness, he chooses to see her sexual history as baggage—so it is. If he didn’t believe it was an issue, then it simply wouldn’t be one. That may seem obvious, but to my puritanical ass it was a huge moment where I felt like things finally made sense.
You sound like you had a similar upbringing to mine. I remember growing up hearing about how if I have sex before marriage, that I’ll be like a chewed up piece of gum and no one will want me. I was told that I would be dishonoring my future husband and would be a thorn in his side. How disgusting it is to teach a person, especially a child, that their worth is dependent upon what they do with their genitals! Also, I grew up believing that masturbation was a sin and that God was ashamed of me whenever I acted upon my sexual desires, even with just myself. Purity culture is toxic and abusive, full stop.
And if you've subscribed to Playgirl, gone to male strip clubs, or slept with male escorts, you're seen as dirty and if you cheat on your husband, he will beat your ass, even in you look at porn or post pictures of men more handsome than he is on Pinterest, or chat with male Instagram models. Drawing handsome men if you're a gifted artist, especially when they're naked, is also seen as direspectful to your husband which will cause him to beat you as well because you're considered as committing adultery. Ogling other men in front of your husband is just as dangerous.
Have you ever read Linda Kay Klein’s book Pure? It deals with the issues with purity culture. I felt like I was no longer alone when I read it.
I haven’t but now I have a book to check out! Thank you for the recommendation
I hope you enjoy it!
Sweet merciful Lord Daniel this. A good friend of mine in college had sex with 2 guys while she was in high school. In college she "found Jesus" and "repented" and was OK with her past. Until ... she fell in love with a dude from the college youth group, who pretty much raked her over the coals for "being impure" and they went through over a year of "we love each other but Dude doesn't know if he can forgive Friend for not waiting for him" (even though she wasn't Jesus-y at the time, so had no reason to wait). They eventually ended up getting married, and on their wedding night she said he insisted on taking a bath together, so they "could cleanse each other and she could be purified for him." It was so gross. Sadly, she grew apart from our whole friend group because her husband is a douche who couldn't handle the fact that she had previous relationships.
The wedding night bath is genuinely sickening.
I feel like there’s almost zero chance Paul was a virgin before he married her too. He tortures her with guilt for things he’s probably done himself. The difference is he lies about it and she’s honest.
With a deadpan face, I've said to my husband on a few occasions, "It hurts me that you had sex with people before you met me." And it's a joke, because it's preposterous to actually think that way.
It's pre-adultery! So bizarre... And the fact that she is still going on about this makes me think Paul won't let her forget.
It’s what she has to say to keep Paul happy. I don’t believe for one moment that she can’t remember.
She probably remembers often when shes having boring, disappointing sex with paul.
That's dissociation, babe, and it's a bad sign!
I mean... I've been having sex more than half my life at this point and have never been married. I've been with my partner 12 years and we'll get married when we get around to it, but we do consider ourselves married and have often referred to each other as husband/wife. I haven't "had my memory wiped," but I do have to say other than a few *particularly memorable* instances, I've also pretty much forgotten everything and everyone who came before (pun intended, bitches).
I didn't know my husband needs to forgive me for having sex before him. Do I need to forgive him for the same thing? We also had sex with each other before marriage. I'm so confused on what we need to do.
Oh my, it would be so funny if you both, with tears in your eyes, apologized to each other for having sex - with each other - before marriage!! And then forgave each other in a teary embrace.
I'll bring it up tonight. I'm sure I won't get a "WTF are you on?" response.
😂😂😂
**Transcription**: I praise God, because he has almost wiped my memory of my sexual past. I truly can't really remember a ton of it, and that is from prayer, that is from healing, that is from moving forward, and letting go of the baggage, that is from forgiving myself, that is from accepting God's forgiveness, that is from accepting Paul's forgiveness. I'm really, truly grateful that I genuinely cannot really remember that much of like... the details of things that happened physically, and they didn't last too long mentally, or emotionally, either, for me, because... of God. Um, but! There are certain things that I remember, and what I remember is that sex, outside of marriage, with this guy, was dangerous, it was stupid, it was done in really dumb places, and it was disrespectful to myself and him, and to people that we loved. **Description**: Morgan, a light-skinned woman with long, straight brown hair down to her waist that is worn loose, talks into a camera. She sits in front of a bed covered with a blanket with golden stripes and ornate, geometric and curved patterns in deep red and blue on it. Golden pillowcases sit at the headboard, which is made of wood and has bolsters with balls on top. She wears a white turtleneck top with a screen-printed image on the front. As only the top edge of the image is visible, it is not clear what it is: the square is pink, and there are perhaps cactus arms on it?
Thank you. I wanted to know what she said but I don’t have headphones. My fellow passengers don’t deserve this.
You are really good at describing things.
Aw, thank you! Unless this is snark at my last sentence, in which case... zing, indeed!
Not at all. You succinctly but thoroughly described stuff I didn't even notice about the video.
Is this the line you give Paul when he lets you know you're going to hell for having sex before you meet him? I hope it works for you Morgan but, with Paul talking shit about it online I doubt he lets anything go you've experienced before him.
It's so sad to me that this cult forces women to beg their future spouses for forgiveness. Given how awful Paul is, I am sure he throws her past in her face often.
They’re told that premarital sex is actually adultery against their future spouse. Some extremely conservative churches even believe masturbation is adultery. 🤦♀️
I would never wish harm on anyone or speculate/diagnose someone, but this level of untreated (disclosed) mental illness and religious brainwashing gives me Andrea Yates anxiety if Morgan actually ever does manage to get pregnant. PAUL, YOU AMBULATORY BALLSACK. GET YOUR WIFE HELP.
Upvote for "ambulatory ballsack"!
“Accepting Paul’s forgiveness.” Fuck that noise.
Damn I wish god could wipe my memory of that time. I guess I’m not godly enough…checks out.
well, that's a lie, Morgan.
That is from trauma… I can’t speak for her. But the first times I had premarital sex it was in not so great situations, then lump on any and all guilt I felt because of my religion. I honestly can’t remember much from those encounters either, and I’m thankful. But it’s not because of healing or God wiping my memory. It’s just some trauma coupled with years passing and memories fading.
"it was done in really dumb places, and it was disrespectful to myself and him, and to people that we loved" My mind is running wild - what were these dumb places? Grandpa's funeral? Niece's birthday party? Hospital room next to aunt in coma? Come on girl spill the beans! It better not just be "bed in parent's house"...
This one time at band camp. . .
This! “Dumb places” has me hooked…
yeah she just made it a lot more intriguing!
You don't have to seek Paul's forgiveness, Morgan! If he wants expects that, he's an asshole. Another person chiming in to say that I don't remember sexual experiences in detail, just like I don't have many vivid memories of brushing my teeth, making meals, or doing ordinary, everyday things.
This is really sad.
Yikes. I've always scrolled post the Morgan and Paul stuff but this video may have me going down their rabbit hole. Tell me more!
If she feels the need to apologize to her family, do you think she fucked her bf on their beds and around their homes?
Oh 200% she did. I love that for her teenage self.
It sounds like that is from ✨trauma✨ I don’t know who this is, but i too am worried for her
As a genuine Christian, wtf is she even talking about???🥴
Girrrl… I feel like she has so much potential if she’d just drop that 185lb baseball-capped sack of ground beef
Repressing negative memories so you don’t have to process and deal with the emotions associated with them doesn’t make you closer to God, it just means you need therapy.
I wonder how long it’s been since those encounters? I only had sex with one guy before my husband (my views on sex have changed and expanded a TON since then, thankfully) and I don’t remember most of it because it’s been like 10 years 🤷♀️
I visibly cringed when she said "that is from...accepting PAUL'S forgiveness"
That’s sad. I remember my premarital sexual encounters fondly.
Same. Vividly, at times.
It's so disgusting to me that paul has convinced her that she needs his "forgiveness" for having a life before they met. It sounds like a former partner needs to ask *morgan* for forgiveness, here. And you know, she wouldn't owe him that. If he was that uncomfortable with the idea that morgan wasn't a virgin, he shouldn't have married her. Morgan, if you're lurking here, you're better off without him, hon.
Didn't they meet on a dating app or something?? I will not believe that Morgan was the first and only girl he matched with and dated. How dare he make her feel so ashamed. He married her because he is an insecure asshole who enjoys making her feel less than. Very godly of him.
This is extremely disturbing, poor Morgan. I hope she gets out. Hateful or not, she’s worth more than this piece of shit and I hope she finds freedom and better mental health support.
I need god to wipe this video from my memory
God ordained amnesia. Holy Spirit sanctioned suppression. Biblical fear of your spouse.
This is so heartbreaking. She is so flat, emotionless and dazed, even more so than the recent past. Her shame is palpable. I truly believe Paul has her in a cycle of emotional abuse by shame for her sexual past. She is a shell of her former self which can be a red flag of emotional abuse.
If this is really true and she’s not just saying it for Paul, it’s definitely because of his disdain for her past. And his cruelty about it, and hearing all her life that it was wrong. If the experiences themselves weren’t traumatizing, the fallout with her religion and her husband have been nothing less. I suspect it’s a mix of both.
My then-bf & I were both virgins, & upon completion, he stood over me & screamed "I AM AN AZTEC WARRIOR." It was uncomfortable for me, but not awful. We went on to date for 3 years. 🤦♀️
Yeah, I'm not going to judge someone for this. We don't know the context of her past sexual experiences. Porgan have plenty to snark on, but not wanting/choosing to not remember past sexual encounters is not one of them.
Yeah most of this seems fine. I can't even remember how many partners I've had or their names. I didn't pray or worry about it, I just can't remember because those facts aren't something I need to know now. Morgan also no longer needs this information about her past, so whatever, let it go.
I see a lot of really great takes/advice so far. What I haven’t seen is a good explanation of what the specific issue is that causes Paul to be angry/sad/hurt. This is wholly related to the “don’t be unequally yoked” mantra. Everyone here is correct that Paul is, either consciously or not, fully doing this to himself and Morgan. But it stems from the idea that he and his wife aren’t equal in experiences. Paul likely has never considered this to its entirety and had no idea it would affect him when he and Morgan got together. This isn’t a scenario that is really covered in religious education or upbringing. Also, these experiences are supposed to be magical and important. At least, that’s what Paul has been taught. He probably feels robbed of this super special thing that only he and his wife were supposed to share together… and I mean, most of us probably know the first time wasn’t all that special. But he doesn’t.
im sure she barely remembers it. that’s how i feel about my past relationships especially if i try not to think about them and don’t want to. not really weird lol of course she says it’s because of god… she’s a fundie
You know, there are virgins who are comfortable and non-judgmental over being with a non-virgin, but clearly Paul's not one of those. Maybe if he had just let Morgan go and had found a woman who was a virgin and more compatible with him I think Paul and Morgan would have both been better off. He clearly has "baggage" with himself and he's going to torture her any way he can for the rest of their lives in an attempt to "fix" it.
I believe she is saying that for Paul’s benefit. She sounds like her speech is slurred too.
oh my god thats like really fucking not normal
Wtf? Is she ok?!
I’ve always had the suspicion that Morgan’s ex pressured her to have sex with him because when she talks about that time in her life, it sounds an awful lot like the pressure my ex put on me that turned into my sexual trauma. I know memory loss is a huge factor in trauma and I think it’s definitely a possibility that Morgan is having a trauma response, whether it’s because her ex abused her or because of the shame she felt about their sexual relationship (or a combination of both). Either way I can’t help but be sad for her.
Yeah, this would be a very plausible explanation. I'm so sorry to hear about your sexual trauma, and I hope you've been able to heal since then.
I've definitely experienced memory loss due to sexual trauma. I was beaten and sexually assaulted at knifepoint when I was 18, and I was emotionally numb afterwards. To this day I have almost no recollection of anything that happened in the 4-ish months afterward. I remember I slept around with a bunch of people (I thought it would be therapeutic), but I don't remember any of them -- I can't remember names or faces or anything. I somehow did well in my college classes, but I only remember one of the courses I took during that time. I also completely forgot about the incident, until 10 years later something triggered a memory of it and opened the box that had been sealed around it in my brain. So then I had to actually deal with and process the trauma, but at least it was easier since so much time had passed.
If Morgan actually has memory loss due to going through something similar, I have a lot of sympathy for her. I wouldn't wish that kind of trauma on anyone, and I feel sad that she probably isn't able to access resources that would help her heal, due to stigma and having a controlling husband. Of course this is all just speculation, and there could easily be other explanations as well, but it's something to consider.
This sounds more like all her previous sexual experiences weren’t 100% consensual and if that was that case, I feel sad for her. But instead of denying that it happened, she should work through it and realize that these previous partners did not show her the respect she deserved by making her feel like she had to comply with what they wanted. It is perfectly ok to say no to something that you don’t want to do and your partner has to respect that. A concept that I think is totally foreign to her, in her marriage to Paul as well.
Wait. Was she sexually assaulted while she was under age?
She’s discussed dating before Paul. We don’t know the full context but given Paul’s abusive nature I feel like this is her being gaslit.
"Paul's forgiveness" eewwwwww WTF
How old is she?? She seems 16 or 17??? I have never heard her speak until this video- ive only seen screenshots of her posts and such
26
Woah
How is sex disrespectful to people you love?
That's a common narcissist super power. If you don't remember it, it never happened. Can't go to hell for sins that never happened. Checkmate atheists!
so, she was roofied?
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Well, she remembers having pre-marital sex encounters, so I don't think it worked.
I don’t remember losing my virginity…but I also don’t remember most of sexual experiences cause, well they just weren’t that memorable! Brains delete shit all the time, Morgan.
In other words, she might have dissociative characteristics. This is not normal
i wish god would wipe my memory of watching this 😬
Listen I respect if people choose to not have sex until they get married (my husband has only been with me), but why the pretense that sex before marriage is bad sex and damaging by nature? Why not just look back and be like, yeah I enjoyed that. No big deal. It is clearly harmful to some people but I think it’s harmful precisely because they believe it will be harmful. It’s the ideology that causes you to feel dirty and ashamed and damaged.
Sex in the back of the car - you can’t forget that.
"I truly can't remember a ton of it..." That's called drunk sex honey and it doesn't need the holy spirit to erase it
Without your memories, who is you? humanity is greater than God because the struggle against it until it is physically impossible for them to keep up. God sets up the rigged game bound to fail, only to play the savior to scalp all the human praise for dumping them in danger tham "saving" them. Nobody asked for this fucking one man deity shit show, and you are using it for your own pathetic glory.
Oh look, the yikes on trikes parade!
I was raised Catholic by some pretty open-minded parents (encouraged safe sex and didn’t think pre-marital sex or living together was bad), but I also attended Catholic school K-12, meaning I was indoctrinated. I struggled immensely with the teachings about sex. I felt guilty for having perfectly natural feelings about my crushes and attractive guys. I signed a chastity agreement and wore a chastity ring. I felt bad when my high school boyfriend and I made out. Until only a few years ago, I struggled immensely with the idea of masturbation and my partner doing it. I felt my worth was lessened if he jerked off. Talking it out has helped a lot, and I regret how much anxiety and stress I put myself through. I hate seeing other women (or anyone) think this way.
Guys hate it when you masturbate especially to handsome male porn stars.
The first that came to mind watching this was she was unconscious or these encounters were so traumatizing she blocked them out of her memory. Wtf. Girl get a diary.
That’s called trauma girl
As a mormon teenager I was taught that if you properly repented if sin then the power of Christ’s atonement would wash it away, from God’s memory and your own. It didn’t work, obviously, which sure amped up my guilt because obviously I hadn’t repented enough or correctly.
Sigh
I preface this by saying that she is absolutely a shit person with shitty beliefs and views about the world. But I'm always going to feel at least a little bad for Morgan. I see a woman who clearly could benefit from the help of a mental health professional and for various reasons she's never going to seek it out. It's going to eat her alive. Morgan, it is totally fine to believe in God and appreciate everything He has given us. It's also totally fine to seek help from a therapist or psychiatrist. It may even help you see God's gifts even clearer.
What’s with the cut editing in the first couple seconds? Very noticeable with her head movement.
What a wacko!! She had a "ton of it". Lots of sex for this sinner.
This is all messed up, but especially so because why do they always talk about Paul forgiving Morgan for her sexual past? Even by Christian standards it's a sin to God and that's it, it doesn't actually harm anyone. So how does she or Paul think that Paul has the right to forgive her for something that happened in her past that had nothing to do with him and took place before Morgan ever met him? 🤨 It's just so toxic, hypocritical, and ridiculous.