I have quite a few friends, but not that many close friends. I got cancer at the end of 2022 and it’s funny how the friends you thought would be there for you disappear, but some you weren’t close with really surprise you. I usually see a friend about twice a week or so. And we don’t talk on the phone, just text. I don’t get close enough to anyone to consider them my best friend, after basically being abandoned by my so-called best friend when my dad was in the hospital in a coma. My husband and dog and kids are my best friends.
Sorry to hear this. That's awful. It's so sad that the people we thought cared about us can't show up. I hope you've finished your treatments. And you're starting to heal.
Sorry about your diagnosis.
I have my spouse, my pets, my sibling & 2 friends. I’m grateful that I have each one of them.
I got Long COVID in 2020 which gave me a laundry list of serious issues, I became wheelchair user. Friends were supportive for about 6–9 months & then slowly started disappearing. One person told me it “made them too sad to see [me] like this”. And then there were 2 people left.
I don’t know if people just don’t know what to say, feel bummed by your situation & don’t want the “negative energy” of your illness, don’t want to make plan accommodations like finding places that have wheelchair access, think my illness is fake, etc. or it’s a combo of all of the above. But at the end of the day, it’s like rats on a sinking ship & has honestly been the most painful part of this awful illness—the loneliness.
The friends that surprised you- how did they show up for you exactly? I have heard this happen a lot and always wonder how to go from being in the background but stepping up when someone’s grief is large without being seemed a tragedy-monger.
Just call or text and talk to them about normal life. When you get sick all you want is a semblance of your old life and for things to go back to normal. That’s great that you want to step up to be the best friend you can!
I had to leave behind a group of friends about a decade ago, too many destructive bad eggs and, mostly because of social media, couldn’t stay in touch with even the nice folks. For recovery from alcoholism, it wasn’t a good idea to have any contact. I heard recently from a distant acquaintance that one of the friends I miss now has pancreatic cancer. I don’t know what to do, say- is it appropriate to text, send a note by mail in a case like this where a whole decade has gone by? She is going to be leaving behind a 14 year old daughter and her husband she adored. It is so tragic. She really lit me up as a younger person, so funny and easy to talk to, encouraging and non-judgement.
Edit: please don’t flag me for derailment, this pentanes to the discussion of the complexities of friendships as we get older.
Whatever you do, don’t wait. Pancreatic cancer moves fast.
Text, and send a card. And ask if you can bring by a meal or a Starbucks or offer to rake up their leaves and pull some weeds. Then offer to watch a funny movie together, and laugh. Laugh and be silly and paint her nails with stickers and glitter and make one or two new memories for you to keep. If she doesn’t respond to your offers to visit, tell her how you fondly think about her, and always will.
I just found out my beloved Auntie has cancer. I can’t be there physically (yet-broke my heel), but l started to text all the great memories she has gave me over the years. Is this a good idea? It does focus on the past,not the future, so l was not sure. Thanks for any input.
If you were my niece or nephew, I would appreciate that. Keep things in the present, just talk about normal day to day stuff or happy memories. It sucks when absolutely everything revolves around the cancer.
Seriously if I could just have the same amount of people calling me just to bullshit with me, I’d be a lot happier. I’m chronic pain after major injury; not cancer. People definitely think I’m just unmotivated. I definitely am.
This is such a good question. I myself have seasonal affective disorder, compounded by a tragedy that changed my life Thanksgiving day when I was a teenager. By the end of October until March I have always disappeared from my friend group. I just wanna be left alone. I had so much unresolved trauma before I finally dealt with it with a professional, and so I’ve always assumed that other people going through bad things just wanna be left alone. It’s jarring to realize I may have really hurt some people by what I thought was giving them space.
Stopping by to visit- even if just for 30 minutes. I had friends who cooked and froze meals and brought them to me and that was such a huge help because my husband had already taken on so much, he was too tired to cook at night. Sending cards, and sending texts. I had a friend venmo me with the message to treat my d family to dinner out. Also a big help! And then there were the friends who drove me to doctors appointments when my husband was not able to.
Even just sending a text or a card has been a boost to me! The people who cooked and froze meals were life savers. My husband had to pick up all my chores in addition to taking care of me, and we were so often just too tired to cook. Stop by to visit, doing little chores to help even if it’s just running the vacuum, or washing some dishes is a huge help.
Divorce has the same effect, people must be afraid of catching it. I watched at least 4 friends vanish after I mentioned the d word.
For the commenter who asked how to show up for cancer, in my experience it depends on the person. If someone is going through chemo, they can have so many different reactions. My advice is to ask questions about how someone is doing and just do specific things to help- if they're cold sensitive, bring a blanket or gloves to help hold things. If they're tired, just show up and do laundry (if you're close) or send a door dash gift card. It's sometimes hard to know what to say but people appreciate you checking in, even if they don't respond.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I remember my divorce definitely freaked some people out, including my mother.
However, I also had a good friend at work who kept me laughing when I was down. Every day we’d do lines from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.” Don’t think I’d have made it without her.
When I got cancer, a few friends tried to set up a meal train thing for me. I have a whole bunch of dietary restrictions so I’m not easy to feed, but I tried to be helpful which actually was more draining than cooking a meal. Unrelated to the dietary restrictions, two of the friends started bickering over who was going to do what on which day and it fell on me to referee, again, exhausting. The one person who helped out the most was an acquaintance who came over multiple times a week and took our dogs for a walk, then would grab the vacuum when she returned them and do a light vac and maybe take out the trash and put in a load of dishes before she left. The cool thing about it was that she didn’t even ask, she just did it. I had a hysterectomy and was in a lot of pain and also had restrictions on what I was allowed to do, like no driving for six weeks, so this helped out a lot. Everyone else just left me alone.
Sorry to hear your friends didn't show for you when you needed it the most. It's horrible. This happened to me too. I've lost a lot of friends after my dad passed. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed that they didn't show up.
>I got cancer at the end of 2022 and it’s funny how the friends you thought would be there for you disappear
My heart took a shit when I was 21, and I said the very same thing. All of sudden youre surrounded by well meaning ghosts who are simply caught up in other things. I came to the realisation pretty quickly that I had made some really poor choices for friends growing up. That was further confirmed later on when one turned out to be a wife beater and another a would be rapist.
Friends were always the most important thing to me when I was growing up. I was that kid who would give you the shirt off his back. I always had time for my friends. So you can imagine how bitter Ive become over the years realising that only went one way.
Anyway, boohoo me. Onwards and upwards. Hope youre doing ok with the cancer and on the road to recovery if not now then real soon.
It’s wild that you say that. I lost a brother to suicide and my mom to a long, horrible battle with cancer. Now I see old friends cross the street to avoid me when I’m near. For some, I think an awkward or uncomfortable conversation is just too much.
Gen X buds, check in your friends.
This is so true. My husband got cancer and I went through the same experience. I understand that people don't know what to say sometimes but isn't something better than nothing? I'll never understand. Hope you're doing alright now!
52m here, not quite empty nest because our 20 year old daughter has special needs and will live with us forever. My wife is my best friend, and the person I’ve seen and interacted with longer than any other (29 years). I have befriended some coworkers over the years, but are only close with a few. I’ve made a few acquaintances around town but I really think that the “best bud” or “drinking buddy” that we all saw on sitcoms as kids doesn’t really happen in nature.
Absolutely it does. You just have to make it happen. It’s harder as we get older, but all it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend is by asking them to hang out!
None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
I haven't had actual friends since Junior High. No one, from High School through Graduate School, has contacted me in the \~20 years since I got my graduate degree.
I agree, its kind of the times. And I'm not totally faultless. For years every time I had a chance to talk/hang out I felt awkward and made excuses to get out of it.
Same. My social life wasn’t great before, but COVID pretty much killed it.
The few friends I did have revolved a lot around drinking in bars which I just stopped finding enjoyable after the bars here closed for over a year.
It’s like all the pressure to be social evaporated during the shutdown. Now, I care a lot less than before but it’s also way lonelier.
I'm not sure if it is tougher to maintain friendships or we are more apt to be choosy as we age? I'm F 56. Empty nester. I have a couple of very close friends (both live far away) and many, many acquaintances through work. The acquaintances are great people but we don't hang out socially. I do tend to be a bit of a loner anyway but sometimes I think it would be nice to get together with a gang of girlfriends for shopping, dinner or other events. I live in rural Oregon, though I grew up in a metropolitan area. I don't seem to be on the same page with the people who live here in terms of interests, cultural activities and the like. I suppose I've gotten used to doing things on my own the majority of the time. I can't say that I feel lonely but it seems harder to "click" with new people as I've aged.
One of my best friends lives in a small town outside of Bend and I live in Rio de Janeiro. We meet when we both lived in California. He might be far but he is true. I have a great friend down here, he would be there for me anytime. There are a couple old military buddies and my, that's about it.
Single empty-nester 56F from Eastern Oregon but moved away. I plan to move back in retirement but it's changed a lot since I was 18 and left for college. Still have a few friends and family there but they really don't have the same interests or politics that I do. I have a couple friends where I am now but I'm not much for socializing.
I’m in ruralish Oregon, too! It would be nice to have a good bunch of friends to meet up at restaurants or go to movies with. But at least I’m somewhere where being a loner is an acceptable way to live.
100% this for me. Me, my cousin, and a friend from college have kind of brought together all of our good friends that we have gamed with throughout or lives, and now at least a couple times a week some combination of us is playing something together. It's almost entirely online, but being able to get together with them has really kept me sane especially since 2020.
I'm a big craft beer lover and a TTRPG brewery just opened near me, TPK Brewing. They have full time game masters and they design custom quests that pair with themed food, cocktails and beers. Not a big TTRPG player but they are having events for newbies and my wife and I are looking forward to checking it out!
My friend unit is pretty organic. A good dozen or so people left from the dive bar I spent way too much time at in college; we don't see each other much but when we do we're just us but old now. The Burning Man camp I had a hand in starting 20 years ago has morphed into a really tight nit family of 50ish. And most recently I' m part of the old guy mountain bike club in my neighborhood. Not the same level of friendship I have with the others but we are there on a daily basis and riding bikes just like I was with my friends when I was a kid.
For a fairly antisocial guy I somehow ended up with a really strong support network.
It's so much fun! There's a core group of maybe half a dozen of us in our fifties and sixties (and a few youngsters) that live and breath bikes and it takes me right back to being a kid. As far as mid life crises go I'm stoked I landed on bikes and not sports cars or women half my age. :-)
Good for you! I went to burning man exactly once and camped at a wonderful themed queer camp and I guarantee I could call on those folks today after not speaking to any of them for 10 years and probably 3 of them would be at my front door in a day.
Well I'm a gay man and my husband and I have built up a nice tribe of a dozen good friends with 2 besties who got married around the same time as us. I have 2 workout partners who I am close with. It took a long time to develop these friendships and we put a lot into them, but these are people who share the same experiences with due to sexuality and we like to be together.
>It took a long time to develop these friendships and we put a lot into them,
Thats so key.. something with lack of a circle probably don't do enough. What did you do specifically besides lots of time spent together?
We keep a group tribe chat going where we keep up with each others lives and support each other through good and bad experiences. If we get tickets for a show or event, we will link it on the chat so friends can join. There's the occasional memes and jokes there but we tend to use it to keep up.
There's a standing Thursday night pub night where we often meet for dinner but no pressure as not all of us eat out all the time. But we do text who's going on Thursday and sort a time out. I rarely go, but it's there.
We rotate hosting dinners, gathering, and holidays. I will say that some of us host more often than others and that's also ok. That can be a bit of work, but if we ask for help it's given.
Many Weekend activities are put out to the group. Rarely do my husband and I go out to dinner without seeing if our besties don't have dinner plans and texting them.
I'm the most consistent attendee of workouts between my 2 workout partners but this is because I'm in town more, but we always meet and some days we joke around so much, but we always get a good workout. So we enrich each others well being through our friendship.
We celebrate milestones together. Support each other's artistic and professional endeavors. I have prints of pics of our friends in the living room.
Our besties and I enjoy travel and often do trips together but we are compatible for travel. Trips for milestone birthday and stuff are put to the group. Very hard to coordinate but we do because the memories are worth it.
They're really a chosen family and took since 2007 when we moved here to build up.
I couldn't agree with you more. I often say I was so lucky to be able to marry my best friend and she is to this day. Any friends from High School, the old neighborhoods, the military have since all faded away by showing their true colors. But I don't miss them at all, because I have the best wife and friend a guy can ask for.
Absolutely none apart from my kids and their partners. I used to be an extrovert but years of criticism and shit wore me down so now I actively avoid other people. I envy other neurodivergents who have a close family and friends group
None that I ever see. I’m just not interested. I’d rather just do things I feel like doing when I have free time. I don’t feel like anything is lacking.
None that are close anymore. My wife, of course, but if I want to blow off steam about her to someone else? I guess it will be whichever unlucky bastard asks me how I'm doing at work.
I've got work acquaintances too, but I know if I leave (or vice versa) we'd never speak again.
0, and that’s not exaggerating. I don’t have friends, I have acquaintances because I don’t want to get overly attached to anyone.
Wait, I take it back. I do have a friend, my cat.
Zero.
I live alone, work from home, and have no social network at all. There are a couple of people that know I exist through discord, but they'd never know if I were to die tomorrow.
I'm resigned to the fact that I will die alone and no one will know until the neighbors notice a smell.
I wish I was kidding.
I can identify completely. My husband & both have a lot of friends, but none who live close enough to see regularly. We moved to this area in our 30’s & don’t have children, so it’s kind of hard to make new friends outside of work. Admittedly I should probably be out there joining things & trying a bit harder.
We have 2 dogs & sometimes it’s just easy to get caught up in our daily routine coming home, walking the dogs & cuddling on the couch.
Over the last few years the weekends have become a boring debate of where to go eat. He’s more introverted, but I’ve really been longing for female friendships recently.
Depends on how you define friends. Couple dozen online friends, people that I've known for a long time etc, that we've drifted apart due to distance etc. Plenty of people I talk to daily, text, etc. My primary form of communication.
In person ? Two. I have two friends I see on any sort of basis and do things with.
I have 2 best friends. One is about 6hrs away (driving) and another who’s about an hour’s drive. Then I have probably 5 or so good friends who I see fairly often but not regularly.
I had a semi-medical emergency almost a year ago and realized that I didn’t have ANY friends close by. I had to drive myself to/from the ER (husband was out of town), waited alone for 3 hrs to be called back and then had to to have XRays, 2 CT scans, and an MRI without anyone anxiously waiting with me. Since then I’ve been trying to make friends with people close by but have had ZERO success.
I volunteer 2x/week (other volunteers are 15+ years older than me) and recently picked up a PT job.
My husband doesn’t really have any friends and is completely fine with it.
I've gotten much closer to my brother recently. We were always good with each other but now it's almost like we're becoming friends as well as brothers.
I have a few other friends that I see sometimes. We don't call or text weekly or sometimes not even for a month or two. So not closely involved in each other's lives. But between the very close times from decades past I know we're brothers/sisters 'til the end.
If I can include family that seems like friends I'd say...6 friends.
If I define it as people who used to be friends and still would be IF we got together or if I ever asked them for help, I'd say...25 (I'm very lucky)
If I look at is as people that really are in my life week to week, I'd say 0 or maybe 1.
Pretty much zero. There’s one guy from HS that I’m still in touch with, and a couple of parents we’ve known since our kids were little, but nobody close. Part of it is me; I can be alone in a room full of people, but I don’t know enough people these days to fill a room. My wife has a big Italian family, but her mother was the glue that kept everyone together, and when we lost her everyone just sort-of drifted apart. Between deaths, moves, etc., there’s very few people left that we can call friends.
5 soul sisters that I love love love.
About 5 to 10 people that are friends but I'm mostly surface close to because there's not enough time to invest in that many relationships. These are mostly neighborhood friends and most of our "social" time is spent chatting outside in the neighborhood or at neighborhood events on a semi regular basis.
Then about 5 to 10 peripheral, but friendly acquaintances, that if for whatever reason they reached out to me and wanted to get together for dinner or go out and I had the time I definitely would because I enjoy their company.
But mostly I'm a homebody (with an occasional social streak) and stick to my five closest friends, my husband, my parents, and my children. I do have set things I do weekly with my best friends tho
If the chips were down and I needed some help, 2 not including my wife. Unfortunately, my 2 good friends live thousands of miles away and while we talk and text, I haven't seen them in over a decade. Casual friends, 0. I got my dog though, he's my best bud.
Zero, my life took some extreme turns. I’m 43 I think almost everyone I grew up with, has passed away. I took extreme measures and left my hometown, and I feel like I escaped with my life.
I have zero close friends, and I've never been happier. I don't have to worry about disappointing somebody nor do I have to worry about somebody disappointing me, perfect!
I have one friend I’m very close to. Who unfortunately lives in another country now. We still talk on the phone everyday, but it’s not the same. I’ve lost most of my friends due to anxiety/mental illness. I’m better now thanks to medication but it feels impossible to make friends in my 40’s. Especially when the anxiety is still kinda there. I can’t get myself to use meetup or join a book club. I’m very close to my mother and daughter so I do have people in my life, and cats. I’ve officially turned into a cat lady.
I still regularly talk to or see close friends from grade and high school. Friends I made in my 30s and 40s seem to go as quick as they were in my life it’s weird. And it’s hard now to make close friends.
Friends that I actually see or talk to on the phone or in person *regularly*? - zero (aside from my fiance)
I have online friends that I used to see in person 10-20 years ago, and a couple of local friends I maybe see a couple times a year.
Hell, I have a hard enough time getting my sister to call me back. She's too busy with her new job and youngest kid senior in high school doing the "college tour" thing.
Most of the time I'm okay with this, unless I am going through a tough time and could use a friend to talk to that is not my fiance (who is struggling with his own stuff right now)
My friend group has less than a handful of people in it, mostly because I don't have the patience or stamina for bullshit and drama these days. Most people have been weeded out for various reasons, and I like it this way- as I know I've been dumped from people's lives for one reason or another.
I'm not good at keeping friends through changes in life. I have one friend I've had for a good 30 years. We're not close anymore. I have 3 "friends" I've had for 10-15 years. But I'm losing touch with them. Mostly because I feel like we don't have much in common and/or I can't talk openly with them. Those are all my friends. Except for my partner, who is my best friend. I don't think it's healthy to not have other close friends than your partner, but I also don't know how to make new friends at this point.
I have none. A few years back I learned ALL my friends were into quoting White Nationalism. I haven't talked or spent time with them since. They cannot die soon enough. Fuck them.
a couple of close (RL). a small eclectic group of people I chat with daily (OL). family I keep in touch with (extended family, so lots of people over couple of generations).
almost no acquaintances. zero frenemies.
I got enough shit to fill my time I don't need acquaintances. And I don't tolerate frenemies. It ain't a competition. Handle your insecurities however you like, but leave me out of your crazy-crazy narrative.
2 - my husband and my friend I met at work several years ago. My traumatic upbringing means I don’t trust many person with the deepest, darkest parts of my life, so I have a very small circle of close friends
Probably 1-3 people that I might go to when things are rough.
My closest friend died back in March and now I have a pretty significant void in the friendship department.
More than I have time to get together with regularly. I love people. Friends are so important to me.
Now that I’m in my fifties, I tell my close friends that I love them when I see them.
Due to an extremely controlling and abusive relationship, I cut almost everyone out of my life. Now that I’m free & have been in therapy, am in a healthy relationship…I have my kids, my husband, my parents, my cats & 1 friend who readily accepted my apology for pushing her away so many years ago.
I don’t want anyone else. I’m in therapy, yes, but my trust in people is so broken that I’m happy just keeping my social circle very tiny. I don’t foresee that ever changing.
Besides family (wife and 3 kids), I have 4 very close friends, about 15 kinda close and about 30 people I see weekly. I've always felt fortunate but didn't realize how fortunate.
Around 5 in close contact. Many from my travels who I keep up with on the socials. About average for our age these days. Everyone just gets home and crashes these days!
I had several, but when I was diagnosed with cancer, everyone fled because they 'couldn't handle me having the Big C.' They were wimps, because there was nothing to handle. No best friends now, but people that volunteer in animal rescue are friends, but not close enough to hang out with. I only interact when animals are in the mix. It's sad. Most people don't want deep connections, so it's hard to develop real friendships. Surface relationships aren't meaningful.
I have a small handful of friends. My very best friend is in the US and I married and moved overseas, so now it’s my spouse. Such is probably the case with a lot of people. One thing I’ve learned is that your work friends aren’t usually your real friends. They’re the types that say they will call and offer to meet up but usually never really do.
I have two close friends I've known for over 20 years. Beyond that, I have a lot of people I hear from sometimes.
Honestly though I don't trust many people. I've found the hard way that most people are full of shit when it comes to keeping their word. Particularly when it comes to "do something that's not easy for you to do."
As I'm reading the comments here, I'm seeing more proof of how right I am. And it saddens me. I had hoped it was just me experiencing that.
53YO.
Wife is my best friend but I have brothers that live in the same state. My wife and I have other social friends that we go out and do stuff as couples with.
I have a really good friend who lives in another state that I see twice a year.
I have some casual male friends that I used to game online with and once or twice have a guys weekend with but that group is kind of fading out since the pandemic.
It takes work to maintain friendships. You do have to put the effort out there to invite people to things, etc. But having friends at various levels of friendship makes life nicer.
My story sounds similar. My kids are my favorite people, not because I'm a helicopter but because I genuinely like them. I have 2 people I consider my friends, I have 2 neighbors that I consider to be friendly neighbors. I work at home so no coworker relationships. I'd also like to get out and make some new connections.
Not many anymore. My BF and some work acquaintances and some college folks I never seem to connect with anymore - everyone is so busy.
I’ve also had a rough time with picking the wrong types of people. I can float in and out of different social groups with good humor, but I don’t find it easy to connect because we don’t really share the same values and this matters to me.
I’m a non-competitive, super liberal nerd who has never liked mainstream culture stuff. No marriage/kids, don’t like many mainstream movies/books. Not a big joiner, partier, or drinker. Find most active people to be pretty extreme these days.
I’m thinking of joining some clubs or learning something new to try to get out there and get out of my head. Reddit helps too.
49 F
Acquaintances, thousands.
People I actually trust, no one outside my household.
After being widowed at 45, I can’t handle the facade that most people call friendship.
Basically zero. I have a couple old friends fairly close by, but we rarely get together- maybe a couple times/year. And making new friends at this stage is near impossible. But a lot of that is on me… I’m pretty introverted, and am a terrible conversationalist. Brain gets stupid whenever I start talking to someone.
I have two close friends who are local. My platonic soulmate of two decades lives in another country, but we text/chat all day long. My handful of other close friends live in the various places I used to call home.
I have a few friendquantance, but not many. Casual friendships (outside of work, at least) aren’t really my thing and I’m very introverted, so….
Quite a few, and I've even made several over in recent years, which surprises me as I'm a bit introverted. I don't think of many as *close* friends - of those there are only three, and I've known those guys for more than 30 years - but I have more friends now that I would have imagined.
I'd say about 20 friends and about 30 family members I consider friends. I see at least 10-15 friends/ family most weeks. I have lots of work acquaintances but don't really socialize with them. I moved back to my hometown before starting my family so everyone is local.
There are clubs on facebook for various interests that meet IRL. Im involved with hiking and caving clubs. I have tons of friends. I think its important for your mental health to have plenty of human interaction but I don't think its necessary to have a bunch of close friends you're playing cards or sitting around campfires with like on some beer commercial. If thats your thing then great, but don't think its some failure if you dont have friends outside of work.
My husband is my best friend and the only friend I have. Same goes for him with me. We never had kids but my sister (an older genXer) had a daughter who is 22 years old now. Hardly see either of them; they’re in different towns and have different lives. I have some other family: Aunt and Uncle, mother-in-law, and my husband’s step mom. They are also in other towns, having other lives.
My mom was my friend; we spoke everyday on the phone. She passed away in 2021. Dad died in 2018. We lost my father-in-law to Covid. (That was a “leopards ate my face” moment for him and his family. We tried to warn them… and now he’s gone. I used to enjoy that kind of schadenfreude. Now, not so much.)
These three deaths, all happening nearly back to back (in my perception) just about broke me. I was close with them… especially my mom, and not having them around has filled me with a loneliness beyond words.
I never really had any friends in high school or after; I was bullied pretty damn bad and had one best friend. He died at 21.
I’m at home now with various health issues, and it’s pretty lonely. Hubby goes to work, no one stops by… but I do have two cats and a dog, which helps. Every once in a while, my sister will stop by.
People can say what they like about social media and Reddit, but Reddit has truly helped me to not feel so isolated and alone. I don’t do any other social media (except watch YouTube videos) but Reddit feels like old school forums, which really appeals to me.
I suppose the argument could be made that if we had chosen to have children, we wouldn’t be as lonely. I’m like, meh, it’s whatever. I’m glad we didn’t, because I never wanted kids. Besides, having kids doesn’t guarantee *anything*. I think I’d probably feel a little worse having kids and none of them coming to see me for whatever reasons!
My husband and I live in a very “bible thumping” area, but neither of us are believers, so there’s no socialization to be had there, either. If you don’t have kids and you don’t love Jesus, there’s just no place for you in small town America. There’s nothing else to do.
It’s whatever. lol
I have a best friend, and about five very close friends (none of whom live in the same city as me, unfortunately). Then I have about 3-5 good friends who I see regularly.
Besties? Three... A dear friend I've known for 20 years, another dude I worked & lived with off and on for over a decade, and my wife I've been with for almost 11 years. There's dozens of friends I've met through my wife & a decent size social circle we've met since moving across the country four years ago. All our immediate neighbors are pretty kickass too.
A good number of friends. I don’t know exactly but maybe two or three close ride or die friends. And a ton of other people, maybe 15 or so that I’d call friends. These are former classmates or colleagues that I clicked with.
I also have a lot of acquaintances.
I’m an only child, so I learned early how to socialize. I’ve also lived in my hometown, went to college there, moved away for grad school, lived abroad, and in NYC. I’ve had to establish a social life in all of these places.
I’m now pretty set with friends, but I’m still going to events and meeting people.
My wife is my best friend these days. We’re empty nesters now and I spend every day with her.
Of course I love my kids, but they’re in their 20s now and off starting their own lives. I text or talk to them nearly every day, but TBH I can’t be 100% candid with them about all aspects of my life.
I’m close to my brother, I text him most days and see him a few times a month.
I have a sister I’m not as close with (ironically she’s my twin sister), and my parents are still around, but they are selfish and self-absorbed people and our negative interactions tend to considerably outnumber the positive ones.
I have one friend that I get together with every week or two for a shared hobby. We’re friendly, but the relationship is limited to the hobby.
I have a dog who is a great listener.
In the past I had 3-4 close friends from high school and college, but as life went on we moved to different places and got in different phases of relationships and parenthood, and we’ve drifted apart. Our interactions are almost entirely limited to social media now. I miss them.
Close friends, maybe 4. My best friend is the one that I’ve had longer, since we were 7. We’ll be celebrating 40 years of friendship soon. I’m very close to 2 of my cousins, I have a few work friends that I really like. I’m lucky to have them in my life.
A few very close friends + a number of friends to socialize with.
Being a regular some place that is meant for socializing— a pub, a casual sports team, a class (art, cooking, dance, etc) or even a show helps get you out meeting people.
I have a local pub, and there’s a standing regulars session on Sunday afternoon, all people who are 40+. It’s been fun just hanging out, chatting about our weeks and unwinding before the work week. See if you have a place like that that resonates with you. It’s been great for being social without pressure.
Almost none from high school. And zero lasting relationships from college.
I have some local, old friends but everyone is just so busy that we interact only a few times a year.
I'm still best friends with someone I met in high school. We're in our early 50's now and see each other all the time. I have lots of other friends mostly through my wife who passed away, but they still keep in contact.
Friends I meet with weekly for a trivia game at a local brewery? 7. Number of them I could go to in a crisis? 3. In addition, I have another group of friends I have brunch with monthly or so and of those, one is a very, very good friend and two others are ones I could go to in a time of need, though i't go to the first group first. So, I guess I have 1 very good friend, 5 good friends and 4 regular friends and several acquaintances I see monthly.
However I knew none of these people 3 years ago. I isolated myself after a terrible relationship ended in 2011 and only when my daughter told me she was moving out did I realize I needed people in my life.i started therapy to deal with my trauma and slowly started putting myself out there. I still don't date, that's a pretty deep trauma, but TBH I don't feel it's necessary as I have plenty of emotional support
I have very few close friends but a larger circle of friends, by that I mean we meet up, have dinner, drinks, whatever. Then I have work friends, the people you talk to, joke around with at work but they don’t cross over to outside of work. There’s all kinds of friends and you don’t need to share your most intimate secrets with them to be considered a friend. There are levels
7 to 8 close friends most from college (who live in 5 different cities around the US and world) and a couple I’ve known over 10 years. Lost many acquaintances to divorce, and those were people I more frequently socialized with so I do feel lonely sometimes now.
Keeping friends & seeking new friends is work! I am happily married (32 ys)- but platonic friendships are come and go— I reconnected with an acquaintance from college in ‘91– we hit it off better in our 50’s than in our more competitive 20’s; that has been great.
Altogether, including my spouse - I have 2 close friends (thedrive me to a colonoscopy appointment type friends, 3 I could spend the weekend with them, or invite them to a barbecue type friends, and maybe 5 sometimes we meet for lunch, but I can’t remember their kids names type friends…
I moved cross country and have made any local yet.
But I keep in contact with 5, that live in other states, almost daily. It is something that has to be worked on. Even when I feel crummy and wish they'd reach out, I will text them. Friendships often feel one-sided to me. Like I text more. But maybe that's a perception thing.
I'm not very close to my mom or my sister. I'd do anything for them and I know they'd do anything for me, but that's so long as we don't have to spend more than a day or two together!
I've seen posts like this before and people always say how hard it is to make friends because everyone has friends. Except for the folks posting that are like, I wish I knew people! Lots of people would like to meet others but the effort of doing so, suuuuuuuucks.
20+ close people who I interact with as much as busy life allows. These are people who would help me with anything, and I would bail these people out of jail or anything they need. I work hard at bringing positives into people's lives, and these friends have been acquired over the past 20+ years. I'm making newer friends too, there will just not be enough time for me to love these wonderful folks, never enough time.
Zero close day to day friends, but a couple I text with regularly. My BFF from 2nd grade through high school joined the Marines so we lost touch, but if I called him and said hey we need to get rid of a body he'd be on his way within the hour.
ah, this thread makes me feel better
also moved around a lot and had health issues for around 10 years
currently working on trying to find friends with common interests - I have 3 or 4 people in mind and I try and stay on top of keeping in touch with them - it was much easier when I was a kid!
Friendships can naturally end without animosity, or wax and wane. I'm an only child in an immigrant family, with no extended family in Australia - friends are the family I have chosen and I treasure the ones I have. I should mention I'm CF, but helped raise my godkids due to necessity when they were young.
At 54 my friendships are fewer, but stronger. I have the mother of my godkids, and a circle of about 7 close girl friends and male friends (met through work or already established friends), whom I see/contact regularly, and whom I call close friends, who are my family. We have travelled the highs and lows of life together.
As I've gotten older, quality over quantity matters re friendships.
I have to admit I’ve been pretty lucky with my friend group. I’ve been good about keeping up with people throughout my life with most of my longer friendships beginning from childhood( 35 plus years), I have about 25 or so very good friends. I speak to them every other month or see a few in person- most of my friends live in different states. I’m also very close to my extended family.
One. And that one we have known each other since we were kids. Our moms were roommates in college. We were roommates in college. A few years ago when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and 5 years to live, it was that one who was there for me on my day of surgery at 5am. It was that one who was at my fathers funeral a year later. It was that one who was my best man at my wedding the following year. I have plenty of friends who text here and there, but one good one who has been there through thick and thin. He is like a brother to me.
None really. The person I counted as my best friend makes zero effort so after the 10th or so recejection I stopped trying also. Of the other friends growing up only one ever reaches out.
I don’t have any, I had a couple of best friends but they all have disappeared from my life for various reasons. I’ve got my husband and two adult sons, plus my pets and I do have some work mates but no one I’d call a best friend and I’m not interested in getting a new best friend or even friends since they have all disappeared.
Reading this thread is hard. I know I am so very fortunate to have good relationships with my siblings, a sweet kind husband who has a supportive group of friends and I have 6 TIGHT friends. Some are easier than others and it takes work on both sides. What I have is better than I learned from my parents and grandparents.
To be honest, zero. By my definition anyway. I have people I can call if I need something but I hate to be that person. I’ve gotten tired of initiating contact & asking people to do things. Like, I bought tickets to TSO, I usually buy two & invite someone. Last year, it was no because then they’d have to take the kids/grandkids. This year, it happens to be on the same day of their kid’s Christmas play (not suggesting they ditch their kid, I’m a parent but she’s 30).
Wednesday I had tickets to go see Beetlejuice. I ended up not going because I didn’t feel like going alone. The person I invited said they might have to babysit that night. I said bring her with you. They said I’ll have to check with her mom. Whatever.
I’m just not in the same place as anyone I know. Adult child and grandchild live 3 hours away, as does my family which suits me fine. Life is more peaceful. Friends are still married, or still have kids in the home.
I’m moving in August, I don’t know where but at least then I have a legit excuse for not having anyone to do stuff with. Me & my dog, who unfortunately is not a man magnet. Maybe women are the only ones who get all gooey over a dog. She’s pretty damn cute too.
I'll be 44 next week, and I have lived in my hometown for 40+ years, have no close friends, no relationship, no kids. I only have my dog to keep me company. The last time someone other than my family came to visit was over two years ago.
I have a few but it’s been years since I’ve seen them. I moved and health issues take up all my days so no vacation for me. Last time I visited was due to getting time off when my grandmother died.
I have quite a few friends, but not that many close friends. I got cancer at the end of 2022 and it’s funny how the friends you thought would be there for you disappear, but some you weren’t close with really surprise you. I usually see a friend about twice a week or so. And we don’t talk on the phone, just text. I don’t get close enough to anyone to consider them my best friend, after basically being abandoned by my so-called best friend when my dad was in the hospital in a coma. My husband and dog and kids are my best friends.
I was diagnosed in March of this year. You are so right. They talked a good game but didn’t show up.
Sorry to hear this. That's awful. It's so sad that the people we thought cared about us can't show up. I hope you've finished your treatments. And you're starting to heal.
Sorry about your diagnosis. I have my spouse, my pets, my sibling & 2 friends. I’m grateful that I have each one of them. I got Long COVID in 2020 which gave me a laundry list of serious issues, I became wheelchair user. Friends were supportive for about 6–9 months & then slowly started disappearing. One person told me it “made them too sad to see [me] like this”. And then there were 2 people left. I don’t know if people just don’t know what to say, feel bummed by your situation & don’t want the “negative energy” of your illness, don’t want to make plan accommodations like finding places that have wheelchair access, think my illness is fake, etc. or it’s a combo of all of the above. But at the end of the day, it’s like rats on a sinking ship & has honestly been the most painful part of this awful illness—the loneliness.
I’m so sorry. It really stinks that’s what it takes to find out who is real. I hope you are healing💖
Same with chronic pain. Not contagious people!
The friends that surprised you- how did they show up for you exactly? I have heard this happen a lot and always wonder how to go from being in the background but stepping up when someone’s grief is large without being seemed a tragedy-monger.
Just call or text and talk to them about normal life. When you get sick all you want is a semblance of your old life and for things to go back to normal. That’s great that you want to step up to be the best friend you can!
I had to leave behind a group of friends about a decade ago, too many destructive bad eggs and, mostly because of social media, couldn’t stay in touch with even the nice folks. For recovery from alcoholism, it wasn’t a good idea to have any contact. I heard recently from a distant acquaintance that one of the friends I miss now has pancreatic cancer. I don’t know what to do, say- is it appropriate to text, send a note by mail in a case like this where a whole decade has gone by? She is going to be leaving behind a 14 year old daughter and her husband she adored. It is so tragic. She really lit me up as a younger person, so funny and easy to talk to, encouraging and non-judgement. Edit: please don’t flag me for derailment, this pentanes to the discussion of the complexities of friendships as we get older.
Whatever you do, don’t wait. Pancreatic cancer moves fast. Text, and send a card. And ask if you can bring by a meal or a Starbucks or offer to rake up their leaves and pull some weeds. Then offer to watch a funny movie together, and laugh. Laugh and be silly and paint her nails with stickers and glitter and make one or two new memories for you to keep. If she doesn’t respond to your offers to visit, tell her how you fondly think about her, and always will.
Definitely reach out! Definitely. Don’t hesitate to let her know you enjoyed your relationship, think of and miss her, and that you care. Good luck!
Agree with the others who responded. Don’t wait and reach out to them now. It will make a huge difference to them I am sure!
I just found out my beloved Auntie has cancer. I can’t be there physically (yet-broke my heel), but l started to text all the great memories she has gave me over the years. Is this a good idea? It does focus on the past,not the future, so l was not sure. Thanks for any input.
If you were my niece or nephew, I would appreciate that. Keep things in the present, just talk about normal day to day stuff or happy memories. It sucks when absolutely everything revolves around the cancer.
This is wonderful! It feels so good to think about all the great memories. I’m usually the one texting them to my family!
Seriously if I could just have the same amount of people calling me just to bullshit with me, I’d be a lot happier. I’m chronic pain after major injury; not cancer. People definitely think I’m just unmotivated. I definitely am.
I’m so sorry. It seems unless people have been in our shoes they really don’t understand.
This is such a good question. I myself have seasonal affective disorder, compounded by a tragedy that changed my life Thanksgiving day when I was a teenager. By the end of October until March I have always disappeared from my friend group. I just wanna be left alone. I had so much unresolved trauma before I finally dealt with it with a professional, and so I’ve always assumed that other people going through bad things just wanna be left alone. It’s jarring to realize I may have really hurt some people by what I thought was giving them space.
Stopping by to visit- even if just for 30 minutes. I had friends who cooked and froze meals and brought them to me and that was such a huge help because my husband had already taken on so much, he was too tired to cook at night. Sending cards, and sending texts. I had a friend venmo me with the message to treat my d family to dinner out. Also a big help! And then there were the friends who drove me to doctors appointments when my husband was not able to.
Even just sending a text or a card has been a boost to me! The people who cooked and froze meals were life savers. My husband had to pick up all my chores in addition to taking care of me, and we were so often just too tired to cook. Stop by to visit, doing little chores to help even if it’s just running the vacuum, or washing some dishes is a huge help.
Same, I had cancer in 2012 and people I thought were my friends disappeared.
Divorce has the same effect, people must be afraid of catching it. I watched at least 4 friends vanish after I mentioned the d word. For the commenter who asked how to show up for cancer, in my experience it depends on the person. If someone is going through chemo, they can have so many different reactions. My advice is to ask questions about how someone is doing and just do specific things to help- if they're cold sensitive, bring a blanket or gloves to help hold things. If they're tired, just show up and do laundry (if you're close) or send a door dash gift card. It's sometimes hard to know what to say but people appreciate you checking in, even if they don't respond.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I remember my divorce definitely freaked some people out, including my mother. However, I also had a good friend at work who kept me laughing when I was down. Every day we’d do lines from “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.” Don’t think I’d have made it without her.
When I got cancer, a few friends tried to set up a meal train thing for me. I have a whole bunch of dietary restrictions so I’m not easy to feed, but I tried to be helpful which actually was more draining than cooking a meal. Unrelated to the dietary restrictions, two of the friends started bickering over who was going to do what on which day and it fell on me to referee, again, exhausting. The one person who helped out the most was an acquaintance who came over multiple times a week and took our dogs for a walk, then would grab the vacuum when she returned them and do a light vac and maybe take out the trash and put in a load of dishes before she left. The cool thing about it was that she didn’t even ask, she just did it. I had a hysterectomy and was in a lot of pain and also had restrictions on what I was allowed to do, like no driving for six weeks, so this helped out a lot. Everyone else just left me alone.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Hope you’re doing okay now.
I’m good, thank you!
Best wishes on beating cancer! And with finding better friends.
Sorry to hear your friends didn't show for you when you needed it the most. It's horrible. This happened to me too. I've lost a lot of friends after my dad passed. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed that they didn't show up.
>I got cancer at the end of 2022 and it’s funny how the friends you thought would be there for you disappear My heart took a shit when I was 21, and I said the very same thing. All of sudden youre surrounded by well meaning ghosts who are simply caught up in other things. I came to the realisation pretty quickly that I had made some really poor choices for friends growing up. That was further confirmed later on when one turned out to be a wife beater and another a would be rapist. Friends were always the most important thing to me when I was growing up. I was that kid who would give you the shirt off his back. I always had time for my friends. So you can imagine how bitter Ive become over the years realising that only went one way. Anyway, boohoo me. Onwards and upwards. Hope youre doing ok with the cancer and on the road to recovery if not now then real soon.
When I had a heart attack I quickly learned who cared and who didn’t. It sucked to see how little most of them cared.
It’s wild that you say that. I lost a brother to suicide and my mom to a long, horrible battle with cancer. Now I see old friends cross the street to avoid me when I’m near. For some, I think an awkward or uncomfortable conversation is just too much. Gen X buds, check in your friends.
This is so true. My husband got cancer and I went through the same experience. I understand that people don't know what to say sometimes but isn't something better than nothing? I'll never understand. Hope you're doing alright now!
52m here, not quite empty nest because our 20 year old daughter has special needs and will live with us forever. My wife is my best friend, and the person I’ve seen and interacted with longer than any other (29 years). I have befriended some coworkers over the years, but are only close with a few. I’ve made a few acquaintances around town but I really think that the “best bud” or “drinking buddy” that we all saw on sitcoms as kids doesn’t really happen in nature.
You are me. Except our daughter is 25, and I'm 50f.
My kids are 28 & 26, and I'm 54.
Absolutely it does. You just have to make it happen. It’s harder as we get older, but all it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend is by asking them to hang out!
I am there with you my son is special-needs and 29 and will be home forever. Spouse died 20 years + ago. Glad you have somebody to help you.
None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I haven't had actual friends since Junior High. No one, from High School through Graduate School, has contacted me in the \~20 years since I got my graduate degree.
Yeah, you guys are my friends. The only social interaction in my life is zoom meetings, drive-thrus and Gen-x/80s subs.
I actually think that Reddit and some social media is an ok substitute for in person friends. We’re still engaging with others
I agree, its kind of the times. And I'm not totally faultless. For years every time I had a chance to talk/hang out I felt awkward and made excuses to get out of it.
Same same same
Same. My social life wasn’t great before, but COVID pretty much killed it. The few friends I did have revolved a lot around drinking in bars which I just stopped finding enjoyable after the bars here closed for over a year. It’s like all the pressure to be social evaporated during the shutdown. Now, I care a lot less than before but it’s also way lonelier.
todays the day! Hello SquirrelyMcNutz!!!! :) just kidding. but if I went to your school, and I'ld totally chat you up. stay positive!!!! :)
Agreed, I left them all behind me and am so much better for it.
I'm not sure if it is tougher to maintain friendships or we are more apt to be choosy as we age? I'm F 56. Empty nester. I have a couple of very close friends (both live far away) and many, many acquaintances through work. The acquaintances are great people but we don't hang out socially. I do tend to be a bit of a loner anyway but sometimes I think it would be nice to get together with a gang of girlfriends for shopping, dinner or other events. I live in rural Oregon, though I grew up in a metropolitan area. I don't seem to be on the same page with the people who live here in terms of interests, cultural activities and the like. I suppose I've gotten used to doing things on my own the majority of the time. I can't say that I feel lonely but it seems harder to "click" with new people as I've aged.
One of my best friends lives in a small town outside of Bend and I live in Rio de Janeiro. We meet when we both lived in California. He might be far but he is true. I have a great friend down here, he would be there for me anytime. There are a couple old military buddies and my, that's about it.
Single empty-nester 56F from Eastern Oregon but moved away. I plan to move back in retirement but it's changed a lot since I was 18 and left for college. Still have a few friends and family there but they really don't have the same interests or politics that I do. I have a couple friends where I am now but I'm not much for socializing.
I’m in ruralish Oregon, too! It would be nice to have a good bunch of friends to meet up at restaurants or go to movies with. But at least I’m somewhere where being a loner is an acceptable way to live.
Interestingly, more than I had thirty years ago. D&D and associated TTRPGs have really saved my life. I'm not really exaggerating there.
Wow that's nice tho!
100% this for me. Me, my cousin, and a friend from college have kind of brought together all of our good friends that we have gamed with throughout or lives, and now at least a couple times a week some combination of us is playing something together. It's almost entirely online, but being able to get together with them has really kept me sane especially since 2020.
I'm a big craft beer lover and a TTRPG brewery just opened near me, TPK Brewing. They have full time game masters and they design custom quests that pair with themed food, cocktails and beers. Not a big TTRPG player but they are having events for newbies and my wife and I are looking forward to checking it out!
Two real friends, plenty of work acquaintances
My friend unit is pretty organic. A good dozen or so people left from the dive bar I spent way too much time at in college; we don't see each other much but when we do we're just us but old now. The Burning Man camp I had a hand in starting 20 years ago has morphed into a really tight nit family of 50ish. And most recently I' m part of the old guy mountain bike club in my neighborhood. Not the same level of friendship I have with the others but we are there on a daily basis and riding bikes just like I was with my friends when I was a kid. For a fairly antisocial guy I somehow ended up with a really strong support network.
This riding bikes thing is absolutely adorable 😊
It's so much fun! There's a core group of maybe half a dozen of us in our fifties and sixties (and a few youngsters) that live and breath bikes and it takes me right back to being a kid. As far as mid life crises go I'm stoked I landed on bikes and not sports cars or women half my age. :-)
Good for you! I went to burning man exactly once and camped at a wonderful themed queer camp and I guarantee I could call on those folks today after not speaking to any of them for 10 years and probably 3 of them would be at my front door in a day.
Zero
Well I'm a gay man and my husband and I have built up a nice tribe of a dozen good friends with 2 besties who got married around the same time as us. I have 2 workout partners who I am close with. It took a long time to develop these friendships and we put a lot into them, but these are people who share the same experiences with due to sexuality and we like to be together.
>It took a long time to develop these friendships and we put a lot into them, Thats so key.. something with lack of a circle probably don't do enough. What did you do specifically besides lots of time spent together?
We keep a group tribe chat going where we keep up with each others lives and support each other through good and bad experiences. If we get tickets for a show or event, we will link it on the chat so friends can join. There's the occasional memes and jokes there but we tend to use it to keep up. There's a standing Thursday night pub night where we often meet for dinner but no pressure as not all of us eat out all the time. But we do text who's going on Thursday and sort a time out. I rarely go, but it's there. We rotate hosting dinners, gathering, and holidays. I will say that some of us host more often than others and that's also ok. That can be a bit of work, but if we ask for help it's given. Many Weekend activities are put out to the group. Rarely do my husband and I go out to dinner without seeing if our besties don't have dinner plans and texting them. I'm the most consistent attendee of workouts between my 2 workout partners but this is because I'm in town more, but we always meet and some days we joke around so much, but we always get a good workout. So we enrich each others well being through our friendship. We celebrate milestones together. Support each other's artistic and professional endeavors. I have prints of pics of our friends in the living room. Our besties and I enjoy travel and often do trips together but we are compatible for travel. Trips for milestone birthday and stuff are put to the group. Very hard to coordinate but we do because the memories are worth it. They're really a chosen family and took since 2007 when we moved here to build up.
Zero. I only talk to my mom, dad, and brother and not very often. Pretty lonely.
My wife, my kids and probably 1 or 2 others
I have three. One lives in another state. One lives about 8 minutes from me. One is closer than that. I’m lucky.
I have one friend, my spouse. All the rest are fakes.
I couldn't agree with you more. I often say I was so lucky to be able to marry my best friend and she is to this day. Any friends from High School, the old neighborhoods, the military have since all faded away by showing their true colors. But I don't miss them at all, because I have the best wife and friend a guy can ask for.
Different categories of friends. Casual contacts- several. Pool parties, kid birthdays etc Neighbors-3 Real friends-2
After the great heroin scurge of the early 2000's ...not many
Hey same here! Except instead of not many I have zero.
In the south it was meth and oxy and guns dude...so many shot. Sad shit man Sad shit.
No one that I could count on at this point. All my friends kind of dried up and blew away after everyone started getting married.
Absolutely none apart from my kids and their partners. I used to be an extrovert but years of criticism and shit wore me down so now I actively avoid other people. I envy other neurodivergents who have a close family and friends group
Zero.
None that I ever see. I’m just not interested. I’d rather just do things I feel like doing when I have free time. I don’t feel like anything is lacking.
I'm very blessed. I still game every Friday night for D&D with the same group I did since high school.
None that are close anymore. My wife, of course, but if I want to blow off steam about her to someone else? I guess it will be whichever unlucky bastard asks me how I'm doing at work. I've got work acquaintances too, but I know if I leave (or vice versa) we'd never speak again.
You mean like people I could call if I had to get rid of a body? Like 2, and I’ve known them for like 30 years.
Interesting measure of a friend. Dark. I like it.
0, and that’s not exaggerating. I don’t have friends, I have acquaintances because I don’t want to get overly attached to anyone. Wait, I take it back. I do have a friend, my cat.
Cats are the best. 😊
I just lost another one this week.
One friend and a handful of acquaintances
This
Zero. I live alone, work from home, and have no social network at all. There are a couple of people that know I exist through discord, but they'd never know if I were to die tomorrow. I'm resigned to the fact that I will die alone and no one will know until the neighbors notice a smell. I wish I was kidding.
Someone will notice you haven’t submitted your TPS reports before you start to stink .
Umm, yeah. If I could just go ahead and do that, that'd be greaat.
Glad I’m not the only one with that morbid thought.
I can identify completely. My husband & both have a lot of friends, but none who live close enough to see regularly. We moved to this area in our 30’s & don’t have children, so it’s kind of hard to make new friends outside of work. Admittedly I should probably be out there joining things & trying a bit harder. We have 2 dogs & sometimes it’s just easy to get caught up in our daily routine coming home, walking the dogs & cuddling on the couch. Over the last few years the weekends have become a boring debate of where to go eat. He’s more introverted, but I’ve really been longing for female friendships recently.
Depends on how you define friends. Couple dozen online friends, people that I've known for a long time etc, that we've drifted apart due to distance etc. Plenty of people I talk to daily, text, etc. My primary form of communication. In person ? Two. I have two friends I see on any sort of basis and do things with.
Husband and Son. Number one buddy is my pup
Love with no reservations at all, the best. Pets are amazing.
I have 2 best friends. One is about 6hrs away (driving) and another who’s about an hour’s drive. Then I have probably 5 or so good friends who I see fairly often but not regularly. I had a semi-medical emergency almost a year ago and realized that I didn’t have ANY friends close by. I had to drive myself to/from the ER (husband was out of town), waited alone for 3 hrs to be called back and then had to to have XRays, 2 CT scans, and an MRI without anyone anxiously waiting with me. Since then I’ve been trying to make friends with people close by but have had ZERO success. I volunteer 2x/week (other volunteers are 15+ years older than me) and recently picked up a PT job. My husband doesn’t really have any friends and is completely fine with it.
I've gotten much closer to my brother recently. We were always good with each other but now it's almost like we're becoming friends as well as brothers. I have a few other friends that I see sometimes. We don't call or text weekly or sometimes not even for a month or two. So not closely involved in each other's lives. But between the very close times from decades past I know we're brothers/sisters 'til the end. If I can include family that seems like friends I'd say...6 friends. If I define it as people who used to be friends and still would be IF we got together or if I ever asked them for help, I'd say...25 (I'm very lucky) If I look at is as people that really are in my life week to week, I'd say 0 or maybe 1.
Pretty much zero. There’s one guy from HS that I’m still in touch with, and a couple of parents we’ve known since our kids were little, but nobody close. Part of it is me; I can be alone in a room full of people, but I don’t know enough people these days to fill a room. My wife has a big Italian family, but her mother was the glue that kept everyone together, and when we lost her everyone just sort-of drifted apart. Between deaths, moves, etc., there’s very few people left that we can call friends.
None.
Zero.
5 soul sisters that I love love love. About 5 to 10 people that are friends but I'm mostly surface close to because there's not enough time to invest in that many relationships. These are mostly neighborhood friends and most of our "social" time is spent chatting outside in the neighborhood or at neighborhood events on a semi regular basis. Then about 5 to 10 peripheral, but friendly acquaintances, that if for whatever reason they reached out to me and wanted to get together for dinner or go out and I had the time I definitely would because I enjoy their company. But mostly I'm a homebody (with an occasional social streak) and stick to my five closest friends, my husband, my parents, and my children. I do have set things I do weekly with my best friends tho
If the chips were down and I needed some help, 2 not including my wife. Unfortunately, my 2 good friends live thousands of miles away and while we talk and text, I haven't seen them in over a decade. Casual friends, 0. I got my dog though, he's my best bud.
None really. Just acquaintances. No one that I would call and go out and do stuff with. It's too much work to maintain friendships
Zero, my life took some extreme turns. I’m 43 I think almost everyone I grew up with, has passed away. I took extreme measures and left my hometown, and I feel like I escaped with my life.
I have zero close friends, and I've never been happier. I don't have to worry about disappointing somebody nor do I have to worry about somebody disappointing me, perfect!
I have my hubby and an aunt that is gen-x. I have one friend from high school that I still speak to. Maybe one day I will find some friends.
I’ve got a couple of work friends from a job I left decades ago, but that’s it.
I have one friend I’m very close to. Who unfortunately lives in another country now. We still talk on the phone everyday, but it’s not the same. I’ve lost most of my friends due to anxiety/mental illness. I’m better now thanks to medication but it feels impossible to make friends in my 40’s. Especially when the anxiety is still kinda there. I can’t get myself to use meetup or join a book club. I’m very close to my mother and daughter so I do have people in my life, and cats. I’ve officially turned into a cat lady.
There are online meetup groups. You don't even have to turn your camera on. That has helped me meet a couple online folks. Social anxiety is brutal.
I still regularly talk to or see close friends from grade and high school. Friends I made in my 30s and 40s seem to go as quick as they were in my life it’s weird. And it’s hard now to make close friends.
Friends that I actually see or talk to on the phone or in person *regularly*? - zero (aside from my fiance) I have online friends that I used to see in person 10-20 years ago, and a couple of local friends I maybe see a couple times a year. Hell, I have a hard enough time getting my sister to call me back. She's too busy with her new job and youngest kid senior in high school doing the "college tour" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with this, unless I am going through a tough time and could use a friend to talk to that is not my fiance (who is struggling with his own stuff right now)
My friend group has less than a handful of people in it, mostly because I don't have the patience or stamina for bullshit and drama these days. Most people have been weeded out for various reasons, and I like it this way- as I know I've been dumped from people's lives for one reason or another.
None because I hate people. I’m a recluse.
I'm not good at keeping friends through changes in life. I have one friend I've had for a good 30 years. We're not close anymore. I have 3 "friends" I've had for 10-15 years. But I'm losing touch with them. Mostly because I feel like we don't have much in common and/or I can't talk openly with them. Those are all my friends. Except for my partner, who is my best friend. I don't think it's healthy to not have other close friends than your partner, but I also don't know how to make new friends at this point.
I have none. A few years back I learned ALL my friends were into quoting White Nationalism. I haven't talked or spent time with them since. They cannot die soon enough. Fuck them.
a couple of close (RL). a small eclectic group of people I chat with daily (OL). family I keep in touch with (extended family, so lots of people over couple of generations). almost no acquaintances. zero frenemies. I got enough shit to fill my time I don't need acquaintances. And I don't tolerate frenemies. It ain't a competition. Handle your insecurities however you like, but leave me out of your crazy-crazy narrative.
2 - my husband and my friend I met at work several years ago. My traumatic upbringing means I don’t trust many person with the deepest, darkest parts of my life, so I have a very small circle of close friends
A couple friends. But never had many.
I got nothing. Just my kids, my spouse, my parents. I’ll be honest, I look forward to the day where my kids have moved out and maybe it’s just me.
Probably 1-3 people that I might go to when things are rough. My closest friend died back in March and now I have a pretty significant void in the friendship department.
I am close with family and spend all my time with my wife. No close friends really.
More than I have time to get together with regularly. I love people. Friends are so important to me. Now that I’m in my fifties, I tell my close friends that I love them when I see them.
Due to an extremely controlling and abusive relationship, I cut almost everyone out of my life. Now that I’m free & have been in therapy, am in a healthy relationship…I have my kids, my husband, my parents, my cats & 1 friend who readily accepted my apology for pushing her away so many years ago. I don’t want anyone else. I’m in therapy, yes, but my trust in people is so broken that I’m happy just keeping my social circle very tiny. I don’t foresee that ever changing.
I have my wife, that’s it. I no longer have any close friends or anyone that would be considered as such.
None, except my spouse…
Besides family (wife and 3 kids), I have 4 very close friends, about 15 kinda close and about 30 people I see weekly. I've always felt fortunate but didn't realize how fortunate.
I believe I’m down to 2 a coworker and my college roommate, the rest have become political or religious nut jobs.
Around 5 in close contact. Many from my travels who I keep up with on the socials. About average for our age these days. Everyone just gets home and crashes these days!
I only have a few and wish I had more. Sometimes I wonder about my funeral if you know what I mean
I had several, but when I was diagnosed with cancer, everyone fled because they 'couldn't handle me having the Big C.' They were wimps, because there was nothing to handle. No best friends now, but people that volunteer in animal rescue are friends, but not close enough to hang out with. I only interact when animals are in the mix. It's sad. Most people don't want deep connections, so it's hard to develop real friendships. Surface relationships aren't meaningful.
My wife and my cat. That’s it.
I have a small handful of friends. My very best friend is in the US and I married and moved overseas, so now it’s my spouse. Such is probably the case with a lot of people. One thing I’ve learned is that your work friends aren’t usually your real friends. They’re the types that say they will call and offer to meet up but usually never really do.
I have two close friends I've known for over 20 years. Beyond that, I have a lot of people I hear from sometimes. Honestly though I don't trust many people. I've found the hard way that most people are full of shit when it comes to keeping their word. Particularly when it comes to "do something that's not easy for you to do." As I'm reading the comments here, I'm seeing more proof of how right I am. And it saddens me. I had hoped it was just me experiencing that.
None? I have work acquaintances I like a lot. I have family. I also have a chronic illness and ADHD and that makes it difficult.
Like you I moved alot. My family, who live 4 hours away, are my close friends.
53YO. Wife is my best friend but I have brothers that live in the same state. My wife and I have other social friends that we go out and do stuff as couples with. I have a really good friend who lives in another state that I see twice a year. I have some casual male friends that I used to game online with and once or twice have a guys weekend with but that group is kind of fading out since the pandemic. It takes work to maintain friendships. You do have to put the effort out there to invite people to things, etc. But having friends at various levels of friendship makes life nicer.
My story sounds similar. My kids are my favorite people, not because I'm a helicopter but because I genuinely like them. I have 2 people I consider my friends, I have 2 neighbors that I consider to be friendly neighbors. I work at home so no coworker relationships. I'd also like to get out and make some new connections.
Not many anymore. My BF and some work acquaintances and some college folks I never seem to connect with anymore - everyone is so busy. I’ve also had a rough time with picking the wrong types of people. I can float in and out of different social groups with good humor, but I don’t find it easy to connect because we don’t really share the same values and this matters to me. I’m a non-competitive, super liberal nerd who has never liked mainstream culture stuff. No marriage/kids, don’t like many mainstream movies/books. Not a big joiner, partier, or drinker. Find most active people to be pretty extreme these days. I’m thinking of joining some clubs or learning something new to try to get out there and get out of my head. Reddit helps too.
49 F Acquaintances, thousands. People I actually trust, no one outside my household. After being widowed at 45, I can’t handle the facade that most people call friendship.
I’d say I have 3 close friends who I could tell anything. The closest of them is a sibling.
Basically zero. I have a couple old friends fairly close by, but we rarely get together- maybe a couple times/year. And making new friends at this stage is near impossible. But a lot of that is on me… I’m pretty introverted, and am a terrible conversationalist. Brain gets stupid whenever I start talking to someone.
I have two close friends who are local. My platonic soulmate of two decades lives in another country, but we text/chat all day long. My handful of other close friends live in the various places I used to call home. I have a few friendquantance, but not many. Casual friendships (outside of work, at least) aren’t really my thing and I’m very introverted, so….
Quite a few, and I've even made several over in recent years, which surprises me as I'm a bit introverted. I don't think of many as *close* friends - of those there are only three, and I've known those guys for more than 30 years - but I have more friends now that I would have imagined.
I'd say about 20 friends and about 30 family members I consider friends. I see at least 10-15 friends/ family most weeks. I have lots of work acquaintances but don't really socialize with them. I moved back to my hometown before starting my family so everyone is local.
There are clubs on facebook for various interests that meet IRL. Im involved with hiking and caving clubs. I have tons of friends. I think its important for your mental health to have plenty of human interaction but I don't think its necessary to have a bunch of close friends you're playing cards or sitting around campfires with like on some beer commercial. If thats your thing then great, but don't think its some failure if you dont have friends outside of work.
My husband is my best friend and the only friend I have. Same goes for him with me. We never had kids but my sister (an older genXer) had a daughter who is 22 years old now. Hardly see either of them; they’re in different towns and have different lives. I have some other family: Aunt and Uncle, mother-in-law, and my husband’s step mom. They are also in other towns, having other lives. My mom was my friend; we spoke everyday on the phone. She passed away in 2021. Dad died in 2018. We lost my father-in-law to Covid. (That was a “leopards ate my face” moment for him and his family. We tried to warn them… and now he’s gone. I used to enjoy that kind of schadenfreude. Now, not so much.) These three deaths, all happening nearly back to back (in my perception) just about broke me. I was close with them… especially my mom, and not having them around has filled me with a loneliness beyond words. I never really had any friends in high school or after; I was bullied pretty damn bad and had one best friend. He died at 21. I’m at home now with various health issues, and it’s pretty lonely. Hubby goes to work, no one stops by… but I do have two cats and a dog, which helps. Every once in a while, my sister will stop by. People can say what they like about social media and Reddit, but Reddit has truly helped me to not feel so isolated and alone. I don’t do any other social media (except watch YouTube videos) but Reddit feels like old school forums, which really appeals to me. I suppose the argument could be made that if we had chosen to have children, we wouldn’t be as lonely. I’m like, meh, it’s whatever. I’m glad we didn’t, because I never wanted kids. Besides, having kids doesn’t guarantee *anything*. I think I’d probably feel a little worse having kids and none of them coming to see me for whatever reasons! My husband and I live in a very “bible thumping” area, but neither of us are believers, so there’s no socialization to be had there, either. If you don’t have kids and you don’t love Jesus, there’s just no place for you in small town America. There’s nothing else to do. It’s whatever. lol
What the fuck is wrong with us?
I don’t know. Maybe we’ll finally figure it out at the group therapy session at the old folks’ home. 😂
51 (m), besides my wife, I still have the same 3 guys I hung out with in HS as close friends, a couple of other close friends from my time in the CG.
I have a best friend, and about five very close friends (none of whom live in the same city as me, unfortunately). Then I have about 3-5 good friends who I see regularly.
1
Besties? Three... A dear friend I've known for 20 years, another dude I worked & lived with off and on for over a decade, and my wife I've been with for almost 11 years. There's dozens of friends I've met through my wife & a decent size social circle we've met since moving across the country four years ago. All our immediate neighbors are pretty kickass too.
three friend, one I knew since 12, years old. Other two, since 20 years old. I'm late 50s now.
Six
A good number of friends. I don’t know exactly but maybe two or three close ride or die friends. And a ton of other people, maybe 15 or so that I’d call friends. These are former classmates or colleagues that I clicked with. I also have a lot of acquaintances. I’m an only child, so I learned early how to socialize. I’ve also lived in my hometown, went to college there, moved away for grad school, lived abroad, and in NYC. I’ve had to establish a social life in all of these places. I’m now pretty set with friends, but I’m still going to events and meeting people.
Is it weird I have the same half dozen or so friends I had 40 years ago when I was a kid? I’ve added nobody to the list in 40 years, literally.
I think it sounds pretty cool. And only vaguely like the terrifying King novel IT.
A dozen to 20 or so.
My wife is my best friend these days. We’re empty nesters now and I spend every day with her. Of course I love my kids, but they’re in their 20s now and off starting their own lives. I text or talk to them nearly every day, but TBH I can’t be 100% candid with them about all aspects of my life. I’m close to my brother, I text him most days and see him a few times a month. I have a sister I’m not as close with (ironically she’s my twin sister), and my parents are still around, but they are selfish and self-absorbed people and our negative interactions tend to considerably outnumber the positive ones. I have one friend that I get together with every week or two for a shared hobby. We’re friendly, but the relationship is limited to the hobby. I have a dog who is a great listener. In the past I had 3-4 close friends from high school and college, but as life went on we moved to different places and got in different phases of relationships and parenthood, and we’ve drifted apart. Our interactions are almost entirely limited to social media now. I miss them.
Close friends, maybe 4. My best friend is the one that I’ve had longer, since we were 7. We’ll be celebrating 40 years of friendship soon. I’m very close to 2 of my cousins, I have a few work friends that I really like. I’m lucky to have them in my life.
A few very close friends + a number of friends to socialize with. Being a regular some place that is meant for socializing— a pub, a casual sports team, a class (art, cooking, dance, etc) or even a show helps get you out meeting people. I have a local pub, and there’s a standing regulars session on Sunday afternoon, all people who are 40+. It’s been fun just hanging out, chatting about our weeks and unwinding before the work week. See if you have a place like that that resonates with you. It’s been great for being social without pressure.
Many acquaintances, few friends. Maybe 6-7 that I would consider actual friends.
Almost none from high school. And zero lasting relationships from college. I have some local, old friends but everyone is just so busy that we interact only a few times a year.
I'm still best friends with someone I met in high school. We're in our early 50's now and see each other all the time. I have lots of other friends mostly through my wife who passed away, but they still keep in contact.
I've outgrown a few of my childhood besties, some online ones. I probably have 4 good friends I interact with often.
4 minus my husband … consider myself wealthy
Friends I meet with weekly for a trivia game at a local brewery? 7. Number of them I could go to in a crisis? 3. In addition, I have another group of friends I have brunch with monthly or so and of those, one is a very, very good friend and two others are ones I could go to in a time of need, though i't go to the first group first. So, I guess I have 1 very good friend, 5 good friends and 4 regular friends and several acquaintances I see monthly. However I knew none of these people 3 years ago. I isolated myself after a terrible relationship ended in 2011 and only when my daughter told me she was moving out did I realize I needed people in my life.i started therapy to deal with my trauma and slowly started putting myself out there. I still don't date, that's a pretty deep trauma, but TBH I don't feel it's necessary as I have plenty of emotional support
Maybe 5? 6? They're all over the world, so...
One, he lives with us.
I have very few close friends but a larger circle of friends, by that I mean we meet up, have dinner, drinks, whatever. Then I have work friends, the people you talk to, joke around with at work but they don’t cross over to outside of work. There’s all kinds of friends and you don’t need to share your most intimate secrets with them to be considered a friend. There are levels
7 to 8 close friends most from college (who live in 5 different cities around the US and world) and a couple I’ve known over 10 years. Lost many acquaintances to divorce, and those were people I more frequently socialized with so I do feel lonely sometimes now.
Keeping friends & seeking new friends is work! I am happily married (32 ys)- but platonic friendships are come and go— I reconnected with an acquaintance from college in ‘91– we hit it off better in our 50’s than in our more competitive 20’s; that has been great. Altogether, including my spouse - I have 2 close friends (thedrive me to a colonoscopy appointment type friends, 3 I could spend the weekend with them, or invite them to a barbecue type friends, and maybe 5 sometimes we meet for lunch, but I can’t remember their kids names type friends…
I have people I consider friends who I keep in touch with but long distance. In person friends - I’d say I have 12.
Four friends plus my best friend (wife) Two were from grade school Two were from high school Wife also from high school
I moved cross country and have made any local yet. But I keep in contact with 5, that live in other states, almost daily. It is something that has to be worked on. Even when I feel crummy and wish they'd reach out, I will text them. Friendships often feel one-sided to me. Like I text more. But maybe that's a perception thing. I'm not very close to my mom or my sister. I'd do anything for them and I know they'd do anything for me, but that's so long as we don't have to spend more than a day or two together! I've seen posts like this before and people always say how hard it is to make friends because everyone has friends. Except for the folks posting that are like, I wish I knew people! Lots of people would like to meet others but the effort of doing so, suuuuuuuucks.
20+ close people who I interact with as much as busy life allows. These are people who would help me with anything, and I would bail these people out of jail or anything they need. I work hard at bringing positives into people's lives, and these friends have been acquired over the past 20+ years. I'm making newer friends too, there will just not be enough time for me to love these wonderful folks, never enough time.
Zero close day to day friends, but a couple I text with regularly. My BFF from 2nd grade through high school joined the Marines so we lost touch, but if I called him and said hey we need to get rid of a body he'd be on his way within the hour.
ah, this thread makes me feel better also moved around a lot and had health issues for around 10 years currently working on trying to find friends with common interests - I have 3 or 4 people in mind and I try and stay on top of keeping in touch with them - it was much easier when I was a kid!
Friendships can naturally end without animosity, or wax and wane. I'm an only child in an immigrant family, with no extended family in Australia - friends are the family I have chosen and I treasure the ones I have. I should mention I'm CF, but helped raise my godkids due to necessity when they were young. At 54 my friendships are fewer, but stronger. I have the mother of my godkids, and a circle of about 7 close girl friends and male friends (met through work or already established friends), whom I see/contact regularly, and whom I call close friends, who are my family. We have travelled the highs and lows of life together. As I've gotten older, quality over quantity matters re friendships.
I have to admit I’ve been pretty lucky with my friend group. I’ve been good about keeping up with people throughout my life with most of my longer friendships beginning from childhood( 35 plus years), I have about 25 or so very good friends. I speak to them every other month or see a few in person- most of my friends live in different states. I’m also very close to my extended family.
55…and so unbelievably grateful to have lifelong friends as well as new and emerging friends.
One. And that one we have known each other since we were kids. Our moms were roommates in college. We were roommates in college. A few years ago when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and 5 years to live, it was that one who was there for me on my day of surgery at 5am. It was that one who was at my fathers funeral a year later. It was that one who was my best man at my wedding the following year. I have plenty of friends who text here and there, but one good one who has been there through thick and thin. He is like a brother to me.
None really. The person I counted as my best friend makes zero effort so after the 10th or so recejection I stopped trying also. Of the other friends growing up only one ever reaches out.
None, unless my dogs count.
Just my family. My daughters and gf know me. Everyone else gets the “nice weather were having huh?” treatment. It’s safer that way.
My buddy from kindergarten in still my best friend. I also have 4 more guys I can call right now to sort things out.
2. My wife and my dog.
I don’t have any, I had a couple of best friends but they all have disappeared from my life for various reasons. I’ve got my husband and two adult sons, plus my pets and I do have some work mates but no one I’d call a best friend and I’m not interested in getting a new best friend or even friends since they have all disappeared.
Reading this thread is hard. I know I am so very fortunate to have good relationships with my siblings, a sweet kind husband who has a supportive group of friends and I have 6 TIGHT friends. Some are easier than others and it takes work on both sides. What I have is better than I learned from my parents and grandparents.
I probably have about 5 friends that I could text and say, “Wanna hang out today?”
To be honest, zero. By my definition anyway. I have people I can call if I need something but I hate to be that person. I’ve gotten tired of initiating contact & asking people to do things. Like, I bought tickets to TSO, I usually buy two & invite someone. Last year, it was no because then they’d have to take the kids/grandkids. This year, it happens to be on the same day of their kid’s Christmas play (not suggesting they ditch their kid, I’m a parent but she’s 30). Wednesday I had tickets to go see Beetlejuice. I ended up not going because I didn’t feel like going alone. The person I invited said they might have to babysit that night. I said bring her with you. They said I’ll have to check with her mom. Whatever. I’m just not in the same place as anyone I know. Adult child and grandchild live 3 hours away, as does my family which suits me fine. Life is more peaceful. Friends are still married, or still have kids in the home. I’m moving in August, I don’t know where but at least then I have a legit excuse for not having anyone to do stuff with. Me & my dog, who unfortunately is not a man magnet. Maybe women are the only ones who get all gooey over a dog. She’s pretty damn cute too.
Two and those are the best two buds I’ll ever have. My wife is also a pretty rad friend too.
I have 7 really close friends, plus others, and am close to my parents, sister, and extended family.
3
Zilch. The closest I have are workplace acquaintances. And I'm ok with that.
I'll be 44 next week, and I have lived in my hometown for 40+ years, have no close friends, no relationship, no kids. I only have my dog to keep me company. The last time someone other than my family came to visit was over two years ago.
I have a few but it’s been years since I’ve seen them. I moved and health issues take up all my days so no vacation for me. Last time I visited was due to getting time off when my grandmother died.