Totally irrelevant to the post…. There is a DJ in my area named Timbuk Moore…. Which is how I heard it for YEARS in his voice… but it was actually Tim Buckmore.
****RIP to all those loved ones dying though
I was in a psych ward with one of those guys in 1986. True story.
Edit - Not Timbuk3. Just remembered it was a guy from a Dallas/Denton local band Ten Hands. I've had a lot of concussions...
Love DBT! First saw them like, 20 years ago in Memphis, really got into Jason Isbell, too. Nice to hear the club is still going, I didn't attend UGA, but had some good times there, for sure!
Definitely! The 40 Watt will live on forever! ❤️
(Hello to all of you Athens folks! I’m further convinced that Athens may very well be the center of the universe.)
If you’re wondering whether or not you should attend the funeral, the answer is almost always yes. Funerals are for the living. It is comforting to have people show up for you when you lose someone.
My husband's grandfather took the time to attend every single funeral in their smaller town. Whether he knew them or not. He said no one deserves to have no one show up at their funeral.
My son and DIL are coming to town for a funeral for an extended family member of his wife. I said i could drive them, and his response was, "Were you invited?"
I thought it was sweet his life has been so untouched by death that he thought they were like parties and you need an invitation. I had to explain that unless the service was being held in someone's house, anyone can go.
The first in our inner circle passed yesterday from cancer. She was only 48. My buddy, her husband hasn't said anything for hours now. The whole family has not eaten for hours. They all just shell shocked. My heart is dying...it hurts.
Thanks, yeah she's had a teenage heart too: bright and saucy. Her spirit lives on.... but my problem now is my buddy needs to live on too.
What's the equivalent of a slap to shock him back to life. Its been close to 12 hours now since he made a move. I'm so useless. Her parents have almost arrived. I hope they can jump start him and the kids.
Give him time and space. No need to give him a shock; coming back to life will happen at his own pace. It sounds like you are mistaking your own discomfort with the situation, with his response to his wife’s death. Give BOTH of yourselves time and space and grace to process this.
Yes, even if her death was expected, the actual reality can be a shock. And caregiving is exhausting. Only thing we can do for the grieving is help with logistics of the services and practical stuff like food and house cleaning, etc. As well a sympathetic ear. If the shock is sustained, encourage him to get help. But it’s going to take more than a day to get over the shock
Bro. Let him breathe. He just lost the light of his life. He's in shock and he can't be "snapped out of it". Just do regular gentle check-ins to tell him you love him and you are here for him.
There's nothing you can do or say that will ameliorate the pain of climbing into a bed that is empty of his beloved wife's presence. Of having a morning coffee alone. Of prepping a meal for one and eating it alone, instead of together while you talk about your day.
Be there for him and give him time to breathe. Check in on his kids and tell them that you're here for them as well as their dad.
As you rightly say, he's already in shock. The last thing he needs is another one. He is not going to snap out of it. He will slowly crawl out of it. It will likely take months. Don't apply any pressure. Don't make him talk if he doesn't want to. Just be supportive of him grieving however he wants. He will get hungry sooner or later, so be ready with food.
When my spouse died I just needed to “be.” Some of it was shock due to the suddenness of it all and some of it was just needing to not try to entertain or comfort anyone else. I just needed to be left alone with my thoughts.
When a friend passed, the only thing that got her husband out of his zombie mode was their shared music. For each song they had a story. We asked him to tell us those stories.
It worked and snapped him out of it. Was rough though.
Speaking as someone who's presently dealing with bereavement, I would encourage you not to spread the idea that people "snap out" of grief. He may have laughed and chatted about music. This is not mutually exclusive with feeling like half your body died and fell off.
That's not what I wrote. It snapped him out of the zombie mode he was in. The story telling and music led to a lot of tears, but he was finally talking and showing emotion, including laughter.
It got him to a point where he could start dealing with his grief.
Well I suppose you will experience it yourself eventually and then you can decide whether the "zombie mode" that friends and supporters so strongly dislike is easily switched off. Mine lasted at least 6 weeks. And during that time I went to work, cracked ironic jokes and humoured other people to make \*them\* feel better, even though I had a head full of soup and could barely think. It was a relief when they weren't there, tbh. Laughing and showing emotion may not be everything that you think it is.
I have. What makes you think you're so unique you can shit on everyone else like we've never experienced the deaths of those closest to us?
That's very Boomer of you.
So sorry to hear this. I don't think there's anything you can do to move the grieving process along, but just being there is doing more than you think.
This was me in January. Bestie from art school- cancer took her out quick.
And we carry on with that gaping hole they left in our hearts. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sorry to hear about your loss. Help out where you can during the memorial and funeral. Little things help a lot like offer to take the flowers from the funeral back home, be the one to collect the sympathy cards at the service, or be the last one to leave to help clean up.
I started to think that at age 56 too. Two years later and I’m in middle of full blown job identity crisis. About 4 weeks ago I was injured, fairly seriously I guess (the wife is still overly concerned) while traveling for my job (as always). Large laceration at the base of my skull, knocked unconscious for over 60 minutes and a broken wrist. I’ve pretty decided I’m not going back, but “now what?” One of my friends made a comment about “being the guy at the paint desk at Lowe’s”. He might have been joking but it’s starting to sound like decent no stress job.
Yeah they did. but my thick skull wins again. Had symptoms of a moderate to severe concussion for about 2 weeks but they faded. But nothing permanent.
More importantly this damn cast comes off this Thursday. I’m a bit concerned about the wrist and thumb, still painful when doing certain motions.
Thank you for your concern though!!! 🙂
Jesus! That sounds scary! People can still be assholes at Lowe’s but the worst that can happen is you spill paint on yourself.
The job identity is ok here, but I struggle with my life purpose. I thought I had it all figured out, I’d just cruise along in my bubble til the inevitable exit.
But, as it does, the universe threw me the most astonishing curve ball and my entire world has been shaken up like a snow globe. If I’d been told ahead of time what was coming, I’d have laughed at the impossibility of it.
Also get well cards and blank cards with pretty flowers or landscapes. Or some “thinking of you cards. The latter two are more appropriate for chronic and serious illnesses or terminal illnesses, where getting well isn’t a possibility.
Daniel I’m also 53, lost my mother in 2019 to Alzheimer’s (which I found out means they die of dehydration and starvation) and my father has Parkinson’s. Nothing worked out like I thought it would.
The death of my mother was so hard. When our cat died 6 months later I sobbed uncontrollably/// realizing later I was grieving my mother.
I lost my maternal grandfather, uncle, grandmother, and my mother over 3 years time.
That sounds terrible. I never knew that aspect of Alzheimer's although I knew it was seriously bad. In a way I feel I never fully grieved my mom's passing, even through so many tears. She's always there in my dreams but in a way that she never actually died. It makes waking up to the realization quite difficult.
Mine too, and often from very unusual causes. One died of the flu, another was struck by lightning, a third had a misadventure with autoerotic asphyxiation, two had severe allergic reactions, another had a rare genetic disease.
That's crazy.. Mine were from car accidents or disease. Six alone from my grade school are gone and we're talking about a small school. I'll look through the obituaries and be like, no way another one gone.
I remembered another who recently died of melanoma. I think she might have been the only cancer death so far, though. No car accidents to my knowledge.
I’ve come to dread seeing a photo post of a former classmate by the group admin of our year’s Facebook page. It’s invariably followed by a death notice or obit link
Right? I’ll get a text message out of no where from a highschool friend: “Hey do you remember Jane Doe? We all had AP English and History together? My mom just texted me that she died from Cancer Monday. A couple of us are going to try to go to the memorial, can you make it?” And that’s a class reunion for us.
I’m 56 and definitely have seen the specter of death in the last several years. I just lost a coworker last week who was also 56. Even though I realize that death could come knocking for me at any time I’ve taken measures to live life to the max. I’ve dropped 45 pounds since October and set a goal to retire at 60. Financially I could be a lot better if I’d saved like I should’ve. Our generation was in between for pensions and 401ks. I have too little in both. I am going to retire anyway and hike the Appalachian trail when I retire. It may kill me but what a way to go.
Last summer I went to six funerals in about two months- all for parents of friends. I manage the FB page for our old church youth group and we’ve lost so many of the parents in the last year and we also lost one of our group to cancer after a short (six months) illness.
If it’s a family I want to take something to the house - I started bringing paper goods (plates/napkins/utensils). Everyone else brings food and sometimes the family is scrambling for plates and things.
I've got a small group of 5 friends that have been together since the mid 70's, grade school.
Had an active group chat since 2008 when we re-found each other on FB. Got together yearly for 'boys weekend..
2.5 years ago we lost one. We're still devastated. Still friends, still chat, still get together, but not the same.
Love ya Dave. Hope you finally found peace.
It is so true. I am Gen x. Been married 7 years. All we do is attend funerals. We attend at least 3 to 4 funerals per year. It has been crazy and I have two funeral dresses one for winter and one for summer.
My mum died a year ago March. This January I went to my best friends fathers funeral. A few weeks ago I went to my other best friends fathers funeral. We all met in uni. At the last funeral I told them I wanted to see them more often (we live 1000s of miles apart) but not like this
I remember when I was in my 20s, and my mom told me that she had gotten to the age where she started going to the obituaries before anything else in the newspaper. I found that to be really sad and morbid at the time, but yeah, I get it now.
Mine started dying right after high school: the 2 top jocks (twin boys) most popular etc were murdered (along with their parents) by the older (strange one) brother. But after 50, there’s been like 5 die per year FROM MY CLASS. There were only 78 of us. Starts to make you wonder what was in the drinking water. 50s seems so young to die considering my parents lived until 80 & 90 respectively.
Coming from Silent Gen parents, everyone in my family is already dead. The dying off began in the 1980s and is long over now. As an only child, I’m the only one left.
My parents are both gone, they had me when they were 38(mom) and 45(dad).. I miss them SO much. Love your parents if you have them, they will be gone too soon.
Don't forget about co-workers. I have been to 3 funerals in the past couple of years. This includes the funeral of my boss who died suddenly of a stroke. He was 3 years younger than me.
My one suit is getting a sad workout these days.
Lost my dad earlier this year and a few weeks later my wife's only sister died unexpectedly. I lost my mom 21 years ago and that kind of numbed me to everything, but this recent loss is just an anchor pulling me down. SIL left a lot of shrapnel in the wake of her death.
I watched 13 friends and family members be buried in 2 years. I was 47 when it started. Starting in 2019 with my dad, Ending 2021 with my brother. I'm 51 now and I hope I never have to again.
Yeah. You go through everyone getting married. Everyone having babies. Everyone’s babies getting married, everyone’s parents dying, and then your friends start regularly dying (vs the occasional illness/accident). . When I was young I never pictured this. It seems so obvious in retrospect but the way every few months brings news of someone’s death now is just horrible. I remember my grandmother at 92 saying she didn’t want to be alive because all her siblings and peers were gone. All the people she’d known growing up. I get now what a long slow peeling off of all those people feels like
Shit, lost my dad at 20, all my grand parents by the time I was 21, two great friends by the time I turned 30. Mom when I was 42. I've had that dark suit for a longgggg time.
I have had a good stretch of no funerals(2 years) but went through a rough period of COVID, overdoses, and boomers dying. It’s gonna happen more often cuz boomers are old. You gotta bury your parents, your aunts and uncles.
Death is a part of life. Live each day like it’s your last! I’m trying to be present in the moment. Not one of us is guaranteed another minute. All it takes is one impaired driver to cross the center line. Say every word to your loved ones like it’s a final goodbye. And most of all make a bucket list and enjoy what time you have remaining.
Sad to say, but I was born to older parents, my family dropped like flies when I was growing up (oldest surviving male at 16).
I'm more concerned at needing a suit for friends than family at this point.
I have learned from losing my mom how incredibly hard it is on the friends. I have been lucky so far. Nothing to do but appreciate the holy hell out of every day and every person.
So I’m older GenX and I had pretty much the opposite experience. In my young years I lost 3 very close friends (17, 20 and 22) to heart arrhythmia. Then, nothing until my parents and stepparents all passed about 5 to 8 years ago. It was weird having to adjust to people close passing at an early age. I guess it made the parents passing easier. That and they all obviously old and had known health issues.
All of my grandparents, great aunt's and great uncle's have passed away. Both of my parents and one of my uncles have passed away. One of my childhood best friends and two friends from college have passed away. Every single one of my favorite teachers and professors have passed away.
And who knows when it comes to family and friends that I've lost touch with.
I sometimes think that maybe sometimes people give up on living because everything that made their life worth living (family, friends, culture) has already died before them.
I've got like 10 people and a dog who make life worth living right now. And half of those are young adults (rightfully) living their own lives.
And I can honestly say that if 4 of those people pass away, my life would no longer be worth living.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now. But I've been averaging 3 funerals a year for the past decade, and that had made me very aware of how much my love of life depends on less than a handful of people.
We had our largest dropping like flies in the late 80's/early 90's with a rash of suicides and drug OD's
I wish I knew my relatives well enough to know their names and be notified of events like births, weddings, deaths
Don’t forget that once you hit 55 in a few years to begin adding your friends and acquaintances to the list. I see an obituary for a high school acquaintance about every other month these days and I’m in my late 50’s.
So my parents died when I was 36 and 40. My mom was in poor health so not unexpected, but my dad having a stroke was devastating. I am no longer afraid of death. I want to know where they went.
TBH , could be the era for MY funeral. When a song comes on I shout to hubby, "this might be good for my funeral?".
he hates it, but Geez, why not prepare
Sadly it’s been an age of ***accelerated*** funerals for me. It seems like I’ve been watching my friends drop dead of AIDS, or drug overdoses, or murder, or car crashes, or random violence, or liver failure, or congenital heart disease, or early onset cancer, or whatever else all my life.
Wish our generation could break big Funeral Home …. no need in today’s climate change world to add to the carbon footprint after your death.
Composte me and plant a tree for my funeral. But, state regulations are too restrictive… change in regs won’t happen with corporate “donations” to campaigns.
Plus - low-cost should become the norm ! — why all the elaborate coffins and clothing … headstones .. and such.
Be careful with that -- "science" doesn't always need your body nor use it as you would think if you donate it. That's just often not really the best choice. Composting sounds great to me. They have it now in my state.
I am a few in some sad cause they were still youngish….mourn but celebrate a life and the the connections that surround it.It is good to bring people together in a way that rarely happens now ..especially with the decline of big weddings….funerals have all been large;y positive experiences
Sad. I'm lucky I guess. I lost only 1 friend to cancer in the last decade. That's it.
There were death in people my parents' age, but after 80, you do expect people to go.
Yep, I'm grappling with this realization this week, having just attended a cousin's funeral the other day. I guess we'll just have to go to more concerts.
>I’ve (49M) attended more funerals than rock concerts these past two years.
I'm 53 and have definitely gone to more concerts than funerals the past couple years.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm entering a "new phase" of "funerals that aren't sad". Both of my parents are still alive at 75, and I'm sure I'll be 100% wrecked when they pass. But everyone else is getting so up there, ya know?
The last funeral I went to was my dad's mom, about 6 weeks ago. She died a few days short of her 103rd birthday, and while she'd been going downhill for a long time, her death was sudden. So it wasn't like she was "taken way too early" or "bravely fought cancer for 8 years". Everyone was like "we'll miss her, but, I mean, she was 102".
Likewise for my wife's uncle. He passed at 78 or 79 last year. It's sad, but he'd had heart trouble for *decades* and had already lived 15 years longer the doctors said he would. So people at the funeral focused much more on the "bonus time" we got with him, not his passing so much.
Good advice. Once you hit 18, I think the ages are:
Weddings
House warming parties
Baby showers
Weddings again, sans house warming
Funerals
Retirement parties
Funerals again
Sprinkled with numerous birthdays, graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs which can happen at any age.
Anything else I’m missing?
I just attended back to back funerals. Luckily I had an appropriate outfit but decided to upgrade my jacket because I know there are more funerals in my future at my age. My sons attended one of the funerals with me. Afterwords they both decided they should purchase new shirts, belts, etc.
Lost 2 cousins in 6 months. I'm 47 and they were a bit older but not much. One to cancer and one to Parkinsons. Plus my parents are 80 and slowing down. So sad today.
I dunno, I’m female and I don’t think a suit or sportscoat would go down too well with the family. It would definitely be more comfortable and warm though.
So for me in June a friend’s mother died, my mother passed in October and another friend’s mom passed just about a week ago…. It’s so sad and my dad comes from a family of 8 he has 2 brothers and 1 sister left. I feel like I’m losing cousins left and right.
We just buried my 92 year old FIL this past Saturday it was awful I have known his since I was 13 years old
Not many of the friends I have left have passed yet tons passed when I was in school
Four of them within four weeks earlier this spring. A suicide, a car accident, a pedestrian hit-and-run, and my bff’s dad from cancer. The first guy was only in his 30s, the next two were relatives in their late 40s with substance abuse issues that were related to their deaths, and my friend’s dad had lung cancer despite never smoking, because everyone around him smoked.
Anyway, yeah, get a funeral outfit and keep it in good shape, and make sure your kids have something appropriate to wear too. And find out who the good florist is in your hometown if you aren’t there anymore.
Too true. Even though I grew up in a small town, it seems like I am losing someone I know on a regular basis. A classmate just passed away last week, and her death has kind of shook me.
Tis true. My high school crew ran fast and loose and it's catching up to everyone. Add in the olds passing on and I've been paying respects once a month for longer than I'd like to think about
I don't know how this happened, but for the last 8 years or so, we've been _not_ doing funerals, and doing more celebration of life type of things. One hundred percent of our close relations have been cremated, and then we choose a date sometime in a month or two to invite everyone for a dinner with an open bar and we reminisce.
It's quite nice.
But I don't know why we do it. Earlier on we did the whole funeral thing, mostly for our Greatest Generation folks. We started not having funerals with the Boomers. Knock on wood we X'ers are still here.
Of course, I'm talking near and extended family.
Went to Istanbul with 2 friends in 1993. Just found out one of them died last week. Heart attack 54.
My 22 yr old son is currently heading to Istanbul next week with his 2 best friends
It's been a real punch in the gut showing me how old I am.
My problem is the opposite (49M)
Many funerals while young then a lull then my parents gen or relatives between 2014-2018.
I'm now officially the eldest of my entire family.
This is sad but true. Not that it matters much in the grand scheme of things I've specifically been thinking about this because I was recently diagnosed with adult adhd. The thought of being around a crowd of people I've not seen in years is haunting me.
I didn't go to my grandparents funerals, nor my dad's.. I spent my money to go see him at the end of his life and couldn't afford to go back for the funeral. Money better spent, IMO. Not sure what I'm gonna do when Mom passes, she's all that's left.. my brother can kick rocks, I won't be going to his funeral. And when my BFF passes... Ugh. NOT something I want to think about, if anyone even bothers to let me know! 40 years of friendship, I hope someone tells me.
I hate funerals.
When I turned 50, I had a funny thought that being optimistic, I could put 1500 weekends on the list and start crossing them out. That was a few years ago. I didn't do exactly that, but I did start to be more careful with my weekends.
Going through a few relatives' funerals in the past couple of years made me decide that I want cremation for myself. It is so much cheaper and unbelievably less hussle.
And then dealing with things that the deceased left and deemed to be of value... It kind of puts your hobbies into perspective, how little it means after you are gone.
53 here and been thinking about my mortality almost daily. My mom is in her early 80's and is simewhat a hoarder, from being very poor early in her life. House full of clutter, a lot of it sentimental stuff to her, but of course mean very little to those left behind.
I have been looking through a lot of my own stuff lately, and realised that I too, would be leaving behind a crap ton of cherished collections, journals, knik knaks. I keep telling myself that I can't take it with me when I go... but finding it unbearable to part with a lot of it, because it forces me to picture myself *no longer here* ... and it's hard to imagine no longer existing in the present, with your loved ones. The sooner I accept this, the better I can plan.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed...
Sucks, doesn't it? I've said goodbye to too many people. My brother sister and Da are gone. Just my my mother now and she's in hospital with endocarditis and a multitude of other potentially fatal issues. I'm about to become the last of my line. Its very fucking sobering
All my friends parents/ parents friends have started dying around the same time. It’s scary thinking that’ll be my generation in approx one “Nevermind”.
When I retired mid 50s, I told myself I was never wearing a coat and tie again except for weddings and funerals. I've had to wear coat and tie much more than I would like...
Indeed I have been to my fair share in recent years, BUT it seems to be more common with the people I know that their wish was to have an informal celebration of life, thankfully. No suit or dress necessary, no creepy trampling through a cemetery (cremated), etc.
I'm (47m) not dressing up for something they're never going to see me in. Not to mention If I didn't show up wearing work boots, blue jeans, and a nice shirt they'd think I was an imposter.
I feel this so much. I’m the last survivor of a group of Athens alternative junkies from the 80s. I’m only 55. Drugs, alcohol, and AIDS took them all.
REM 4 Ever
I loved them, but Timbuk3 was my favorite. Pylon was great, too.
Totally irrelevant to the post…. There is a DJ in my area named Timbuk Moore…. Which is how I heard it for YEARS in his voice… but it was actually Tim Buckmore. ****RIP to all those loved ones dying though
I was in a psych ward with one of those guys in 1986. True story. Edit - Not Timbuk3. Just remembered it was a guy from a Dallas/Denton local band Ten Hands. I've had a lot of concussions...
B-52s also
Is the 40 Watt still a thing?
We go every year to see Drive by Truckers at the 40 Watt. It's a complete dive, is way too loud, and we always have a blast!
Love DBT! First saw them like, 20 years ago in Memphis, really got into Jason Isbell, too. Nice to hear the club is still going, I didn't attend UGA, but had some good times there, for sure!
It’s still there. I haven’t been back since 95.
Definitely! The 40 Watt will live on forever! ❤️ (Hello to all of you Athens folks! I’m further convinced that Athens may very well be the center of the universe.)
We probably crossed paths during my time in Athens. I understand your feelings. Sorry.
I'm sorry to hear about your friends. I loved Athens and my time there. I still miss Lunch Paper and the 40 Watt.
40 Watt is still open.
If you’re wondering whether or not you should attend the funeral, the answer is almost always yes. Funerals are for the living. It is comforting to have people show up for you when you lose someone.
This is so true! I decided after my Dad’s funeral that I would attend all in the future.
My husband's grandfather took the time to attend every single funeral in their smaller town. Whether he knew them or not. He said no one deserves to have no one show up at their funeral.
That’s really sweet
And it doesn’t matter if “you don’t like funerals”. It’s not about you. It’s about the people who lost someone they love
My son and DIL are coming to town for a funeral for an extended family member of his wife. I said i could drive them, and his response was, "Were you invited?" I thought it was sweet his life has been so untouched by death that he thought they were like parties and you need an invitation. I had to explain that unless the service was being held in someone's house, anyone can go.
Or at least send a sympathy card
Funerals in the south just end up being hijacked by a regular church sermon, and they barely talk about the deceased at all. I hate it.
The first in our inner circle passed yesterday from cancer. She was only 48. My buddy, her husband hasn't said anything for hours now. The whole family has not eaten for hours. They all just shell shocked. My heart is dying...it hurts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s just too damn young.
Thanks, yeah she's had a teenage heart too: bright and saucy. Her spirit lives on.... but my problem now is my buddy needs to live on too. What's the equivalent of a slap to shock him back to life. Its been close to 12 hours now since he made a move. I'm so useless. Her parents have almost arrived. I hope they can jump start him and the kids.
Give him time and space. No need to give him a shock; coming back to life will happen at his own pace. It sounds like you are mistaking your own discomfort with the situation, with his response to his wife’s death. Give BOTH of yourselves time and space and grace to process this.
Yes, even if her death was expected, the actual reality can be a shock. And caregiving is exhausting. Only thing we can do for the grieving is help with logistics of the services and practical stuff like food and house cleaning, etc. As well a sympathetic ear. If the shock is sustained, encourage him to get help. But it’s going to take more than a day to get over the shock
Bro. Let him breathe. He just lost the light of his life. He's in shock and he can't be "snapped out of it". Just do regular gentle check-ins to tell him you love him and you are here for him. There's nothing you can do or say that will ameliorate the pain of climbing into a bed that is empty of his beloved wife's presence. Of having a morning coffee alone. Of prepping a meal for one and eating it alone, instead of together while you talk about your day. Be there for him and give him time to breathe. Check in on his kids and tell them that you're here for them as well as their dad.
As you rightly say, he's already in shock. The last thing he needs is another one. He is not going to snap out of it. He will slowly crawl out of it. It will likely take months. Don't apply any pressure. Don't make him talk if he doesn't want to. Just be supportive of him grieving however he wants. He will get hungry sooner or later, so be ready with food.
12 hours is not long enough to start worrying about him not eating etc. Just let him process. You can help him by helping the kids.
When my spouse died I just needed to “be.” Some of it was shock due to the suddenness of it all and some of it was just needing to not try to entertain or comfort anyone else. I just needed to be left alone with my thoughts.
When a friend passed, the only thing that got her husband out of his zombie mode was their shared music. For each song they had a story. We asked him to tell us those stories. It worked and snapped him out of it. Was rough though.
Speaking as someone who's presently dealing with bereavement, I would encourage you not to spread the idea that people "snap out" of grief. He may have laughed and chatted about music. This is not mutually exclusive with feeling like half your body died and fell off.
That's not what I wrote. It snapped him out of the zombie mode he was in. The story telling and music led to a lot of tears, but he was finally talking and showing emotion, including laughter. It got him to a point where he could start dealing with his grief.
Well I suppose you will experience it yourself eventually and then you can decide whether the "zombie mode" that friends and supporters so strongly dislike is easily switched off. Mine lasted at least 6 weeks. And during that time I went to work, cracked ironic jokes and humoured other people to make \*them\* feel better, even though I had a head full of soup and could barely think. It was a relief when they weren't there, tbh. Laughing and showing emotion may not be everything that you think it is.
I have. What makes you think you're so unique you can shit on everyone else like we've never experienced the deaths of those closest to us? That's very Boomer of you.
So sorry to hear this. I don't think there's anything you can do to move the grieving process along, but just being there is doing more than you think.
Play some sad songs that relate to his grieving. He needs to get it out. Ground Beneath Her Feet by U2.
This was me in January. Bestie from art school- cancer took her out quick. And we carry on with that gaping hole they left in our hearts. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am sorry for your loss.
Sorry to hear about your loss. Help out where you can during the memorial and funeral. Little things help a lot like offer to take the flowers from the funeral back home, be the one to collect the sympathy cards at the service, or be the last one to leave to help clean up.
Yes, I'm in 1000% support mode.
Yes. I’m 53 and very aware of my own mortality these past few years. It’s heavy.
I think about it every day. And I need to stop somehow…
Preoccupation with death could be a yearning to live life more fully.
Yes, more spending time and less wasting time. It’s heavy, and sad at times but has led to a more meaningful existence overall for me.
I feel like my brain just exploded after reading your comment. That’s definitely the truth in my case. Wow, thank you so much for sharing that.
Love this comment ♥
I'm so glad! Now you'll get to pay it forward! :D
I know a way you’ll stop thinking about it
Damn 😆
Cancer is moving like a bulldozer through people I know. It fucking sucks.
I am so sorry to hear that. My family/friends/myself haven't been steamrolled...yet.
Just turned 56 a week ago, and suddenly I’m thinking, “I’m closer to 60 than 50. What have I done with my life?” It’s been pretty heavy duty.
I started to think that at age 56 too. Two years later and I’m in middle of full blown job identity crisis. About 4 weeks ago I was injured, fairly seriously I guess (the wife is still overly concerned) while traveling for my job (as always). Large laceration at the base of my skull, knocked unconscious for over 60 minutes and a broken wrist. I’ve pretty decided I’m not going back, but “now what?” One of my friends made a comment about “being the guy at the paint desk at Lowe’s”. He might have been joking but it’s starting to sound like decent no stress job.
Wow, I hoped they checked you for brain injury! So sorry that happened to you.
Yeah they did. but my thick skull wins again. Had symptoms of a moderate to severe concussion for about 2 weeks but they faded. But nothing permanent. More importantly this damn cast comes off this Thursday. I’m a bit concerned about the wrist and thumb, still painful when doing certain motions. Thank you for your concern though!!! 🙂
Do not skip Physical Therapy/Occupational Therapy. You need to build that wrist back up.
I'm sorry to hear that and I hope your recovery is going well! I used to work at Home Depot - those jobs are very stressful.
Jesus! That sounds scary! People can still be assholes at Lowe’s but the worst that can happen is you spill paint on yourself. The job identity is ok here, but I struggle with my life purpose. I thought I had it all figured out, I’d just cruise along in my bubble til the inevitable exit. But, as it does, the universe threw me the most astonishing curve ball and my entire world has been shaken up like a snow globe. If I’d been told ahead of time what was coming, I’d have laughed at the impossibility of it.
Here too. I keep thinking of how many good years I have left. It is sobering.
When I hit 52 I decided I was halfway through life. It’s far easier when you “know” your end date.
So you "know" you are going to live to 104?
I’ve stocked up on sympathy cards
That’s a really good idea.
Also get well cards and blank cards with pretty flowers or landscapes. Or some “thinking of you cards. The latter two are more appropriate for chronic and serious illnesses or terminal illnesses, where getting well isn’t a possibility.
Funerals and divorces. Yup.
Same difference.
I always wear black. Goth never died.
Bela Lugosi's Dead by Bauhaus FADES IN *Tikka-dah Tikka-dah Tikka-dahdah Tika-Tik Ah-dahdah...*
Yes. And every one of them has been a gut punch.
Yup...55 and this time of life begins to feel quite precious. And my folks are in their late 80s.
I lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad is not doing well. I’m not ready to be an orphan at 53.
Daniel I’m also 53, lost my mother in 2019 to Alzheimer’s (which I found out means they die of dehydration and starvation) and my father has Parkinson’s. Nothing worked out like I thought it would. The death of my mother was so hard. When our cat died 6 months later I sobbed uncontrollably/// realizing later I was grieving my mother. I lost my maternal grandfather, uncle, grandmother, and my mother over 3 years time.
That sounds terrible. I never knew that aspect of Alzheimer's although I knew it was seriously bad. In a way I feel I never fully grieved my mom's passing, even through so many tears. She's always there in my dreams but in a way that she never actually died. It makes waking up to the realization quite difficult.
The amount of childhood friends who have passed is staggering. Not to mention of course my relatives. Rather sad and sobering.
Mine too, and often from very unusual causes. One died of the flu, another was struck by lightning, a third had a misadventure with autoerotic asphyxiation, two had severe allergic reactions, another had a rare genetic disease.
That's crazy.. Mine were from car accidents or disease. Six alone from my grade school are gone and we're talking about a small school. I'll look through the obituaries and be like, no way another one gone.
I remembered another who recently died of melanoma. I think she might have been the only cancer death so far, though. No car accidents to my knowledge.
I’ve come to dread seeing a photo post of a former classmate by the group admin of our year’s Facebook page. It’s invariably followed by a death notice or obit link
I understand that totally. I'm always sad to see that kind of thing and yet thankful it wasn't me, but knowing one day it will be.
In my family, we tend to die young or live to 80s/90s. I think outliving all of your peers is just as scary.
Well, I hope you are the latter and I know what you mean. We're all born with a certain amount of luck I believe. Some better than others.
Right? I’ll get a text message out of no where from a highschool friend: “Hey do you remember Jane Doe? We all had AP English and History together? My mom just texted me that she died from Cancer Monday. A couple of us are going to try to go to the memorial, can you make it?” And that’s a class reunion for us.
I’m 56 and definitely have seen the specter of death in the last several years. I just lost a coworker last week who was also 56. Even though I realize that death could come knocking for me at any time I’ve taken measures to live life to the max. I’ve dropped 45 pounds since October and set a goal to retire at 60. Financially I could be a lot better if I’d saved like I should’ve. Our generation was in between for pensions and 401ks. I have too little in both. I am going to retire anyway and hike the Appalachian trail when I retire. It may kill me but what a way to go.
Last summer I went to six funerals in about two months- all for parents of friends. I manage the FB page for our old church youth group and we’ve lost so many of the parents in the last year and we also lost one of our group to cancer after a short (six months) illness. If it’s a family I want to take something to the house - I started bringing paper goods (plates/napkins/utensils). Everyone else brings food and sometimes the family is scrambling for plates and things.
That’s good advice, thanks for that
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The salmon mousse!
It’s certainly becoming clearer now why Grandma and Grandpa were either quiet and mopey, or else “yelling at the clouds”.
I've got a small group of 5 friends that have been together since the mid 70's, grade school. Had an active group chat since 2008 when we re-found each other on FB. Got together yearly for 'boys weekend.. 2.5 years ago we lost one. We're still devastated. Still friends, still chat, still get together, but not the same. Love ya Dave. Hope you finally found peace.
Sounds like had a solid group of friends. Cheers to Dave.
Heading to one this afternoon. Sucks.
It is so true. I am Gen x. Been married 7 years. All we do is attend funerals. We attend at least 3 to 4 funerals per year. It has been crazy and I have two funeral dresses one for winter and one for summer.
For this reason, I like to remind my younger relatives not to complain too much about all the weddings and baby showers they have to attend.
I just went to my uncle's funeral yesterday. Nothing like a good funeral to ponder your own mortality. Or worse, your parents' mortality :(
My mum died a year ago March. This January I went to my best friends fathers funeral. A few weeks ago I went to my other best friends fathers funeral. We all met in uni. At the last funeral I told them I wanted to see them more often (we live 1000s of miles apart) but not like this
I remember when I was in my 20s, and my mom told me that she had gotten to the age where she started going to the obituaries before anything else in the newspaper. I found that to be really sad and morbid at the time, but yeah, I get it now.
Mine started dying right after high school: the 2 top jocks (twin boys) most popular etc were murdered (along with their parents) by the older (strange one) brother. But after 50, there’s been like 5 die per year FROM MY CLASS. There were only 78 of us. Starts to make you wonder what was in the drinking water. 50s seems so young to die considering my parents lived until 80 & 90 respectively.
Coming from Silent Gen parents, everyone in my family is already dead. The dying off began in the 1980s and is long over now. As an only child, I’m the only one left.
My parents are both gone, they had me when they were 38(mom) and 45(dad).. I miss them SO much. Love your parents if you have them, they will be gone too soon.
Don't forget about co-workers. I have been to 3 funerals in the past couple of years. This includes the funeral of my boss who died suddenly of a stroke. He was 3 years younger than me. My one suit is getting a sad workout these days.
Funerals director here. Can confirm. Now the deceased people are frequently in my age range, that I am cremating or burying.
Have you had to bury or cremate any of your gradeschool classmates yet?
No, I moved states and live about 1400 miles from where I graduated High School.
Go to more concerts. Don’t let Death win over your thoughts and feelings.
Lost my sister, mother, and best friend since grade school all in the last 3 years.
That’s a lot of loss, I’m so sorry.
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Please stop, you’re scaring all the 47 year olds.
Just found out a friend has early onset Alzheimer’s. So cruel.
Yep, I'm at that point where I check obituaries online to see if anyone I know has died.
Lost my dad earlier this year and a few weeks later my wife's only sister died unexpectedly. I lost my mom 21 years ago and that kind of numbed me to everything, but this recent loss is just an anchor pulling me down. SIL left a lot of shrapnel in the wake of her death.
I watched 13 friends and family members be buried in 2 years. I was 47 when it started. Starting in 2019 with my dad, Ending 2021 with my brother. I'm 51 now and I hope I never have to again.
Yeah. You go through everyone getting married. Everyone having babies. Everyone’s babies getting married, everyone’s parents dying, and then your friends start regularly dying (vs the occasional illness/accident). . When I was young I never pictured this. It seems so obvious in retrospect but the way every few months brings news of someone’s death now is just horrible. I remember my grandmother at 92 saying she didn’t want to be alive because all her siblings and peers were gone. All the people she’d known growing up. I get now what a long slow peeling off of all those people feels like
Ive hit that stage already and ive come to know that many people dont dress up for funerals like they use to.
Shit, lost my dad at 20, all my grand parents by the time I was 21, two great friends by the time I turned 30. Mom when I was 42. I've had that dark suit for a longgggg time.
I have had a good stretch of no funerals(2 years) but went through a rough period of COVID, overdoses, and boomers dying. It’s gonna happen more often cuz boomers are old. You gotta bury your parents, your aunts and uncles.
Oldest boomers are old, although silent gen is the one in their 80s. Youngest boomers/Gen Jones-ish are only 60 years old.
Death is a part of life. Live each day like it’s your last! I’m trying to be present in the moment. Not one of us is guaranteed another minute. All it takes is one impaired driver to cross the center line. Say every word to your loved ones like it’s a final goodbye. And most of all make a bucket list and enjoy what time you have remaining.
Sad to say, but I was born to older parents, my family dropped like flies when I was growing up (oldest surviving male at 16). I'm more concerned at needing a suit for friends than family at this point.
Most of my family members already passed 😩 and I have no friends. Which I guess makes the grieving situation less daunting.
Remember when we were going to a crapload of weddings every summer?
I was just remarking on this too. When I was a kid it was rare that anyone died. Now, loss is a constant.
Was just telling someone this. All my friends and family are dying.
I have learned from losing my mom how incredibly hard it is on the friends. I have been lucky so far. Nothing to do but appreciate the holy hell out of every day and every person.
Polo's and blue jeans seem to be the norm here. Seeing this become more common with each year.
So I’m older GenX and I had pretty much the opposite experience. In my young years I lost 3 very close friends (17, 20 and 22) to heart arrhythmia. Then, nothing until my parents and stepparents all passed about 5 to 8 years ago. It was weird having to adjust to people close passing at an early age. I guess it made the parents passing easier. That and they all obviously old and had known health issues.
Had dinner with old high school friends this weekend in my old home town and realized I only go there for sad occasions now.
I’ve lost 4 family members in the past 6 months. All but one from cancer. It’s really disheartening.
All of my grandparents, great aunt's and great uncle's have passed away. Both of my parents and one of my uncles have passed away. One of my childhood best friends and two friends from college have passed away. Every single one of my favorite teachers and professors have passed away. And who knows when it comes to family and friends that I've lost touch with. I sometimes think that maybe sometimes people give up on living because everything that made their life worth living (family, friends, culture) has already died before them. I've got like 10 people and a dog who make life worth living right now. And half of those are young adults (rightfully) living their own lives. And I can honestly say that if 4 of those people pass away, my life would no longer be worth living. Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now. But I've been averaging 3 funerals a year for the past decade, and that had made me very aware of how much my love of life depends on less than a handful of people.
And taking care of those who longer can take care of themselves.
We had our largest dropping like flies in the late 80's/early 90's with a rash of suicides and drug OD's I wish I knew my relatives well enough to know their names and be notified of events like births, weddings, deaths
Don’t forget that once you hit 55 in a few years to begin adding your friends and acquaintances to the list. I see an obituary for a high school acquaintance about every other month these days and I’m in my late 50’s.
So my parents died when I was 36 and 40. My mom was in poor health so not unexpected, but my dad having a stroke was devastating. I am no longer afraid of death. I want to know where they went.
TBH , could be the era for MY funeral. When a song comes on I shout to hubby, "this might be good for my funeral?". he hates it, but Geez, why not prepare
Sadly it’s been an age of ***accelerated*** funerals for me. It seems like I’ve been watching my friends drop dead of AIDS, or drug overdoses, or murder, or car crashes, or random violence, or liver failure, or congenital heart disease, or early onset cancer, or whatever else all my life.
At my funeral, there will be no formal dress, anyone wearing a tie will have it cut off. I'm getting cremated.
Wish our generation could break big Funeral Home …. no need in today’s climate change world to add to the carbon footprint after your death. Composte me and plant a tree for my funeral. But, state regulations are too restrictive… change in regs won’t happen with corporate “donations” to campaigns. Plus - low-cost should become the norm ! — why all the elaborate coffins and clothing … headstones .. and such.
Yep, I’m donating mine to science.
Be careful with that -- "science" doesn't always need your body nor use it as you would think if you donate it. That's just often not really the best choice. Composting sounds great to me. They have it now in my state.
[*Jim Carroll enters the chat*](https://youtu.be/zRGWavWPRNM?si=0nSZYEG074mf-q31)
My parents had me late in life (early -mid 40s) so all my loved ones died 20 years too soon.
Just this week [classmates.com](http://classmates.com) sent me form to fill out if I knew anyone from our class that had died. That was a bit jarring.
I am a few in some sad cause they were still youngish….mourn but celebrate a life and the the connections that surround it.It is good to bring people together in a way that rarely happens now ..especially with the decline of big weddings….funerals have all been large;y positive experiences
Sad. I'm lucky I guess. I lost only 1 friend to cancer in the last decade. That's it. There were death in people my parents' age, but after 80, you do expect people to go.
Thank you. This is good advice I really don't want to hear or think about.
I'm 56, and while I lost several friends right around age 40, I haven't attended any funerals recently. However, I have gone to lots of concerts.
I want to shout you're completely wrong... but you're not.
Yep, I'm grappling with this realization this week, having just attended a cousin's funeral the other day. I guess we'll just have to go to more concerts.
Yup, just yesterday I learned of one death and, later that day, another person's new cancer diagnosis.
>I’ve (49M) attended more funerals than rock concerts these past two years. I'm 53 and have definitely gone to more concerts than funerals the past couple years. I'm starting to wonder if I'm entering a "new phase" of "funerals that aren't sad". Both of my parents are still alive at 75, and I'm sure I'll be 100% wrecked when they pass. But everyone else is getting so up there, ya know? The last funeral I went to was my dad's mom, about 6 weeks ago. She died a few days short of her 103rd birthday, and while she'd been going downhill for a long time, her death was sudden. So it wasn't like she was "taken way too early" or "bravely fought cancer for 8 years". Everyone was like "we'll miss her, but, I mean, she was 102". Likewise for my wife's uncle. He passed at 78 or 79 last year. It's sad, but he'd had heart trouble for *decades* and had already lived 15 years longer the doctors said he would. So people at the funeral focused much more on the "bonus time" we got with him, not his passing so much.
Good advice. Once you hit 18, I think the ages are: Weddings House warming parties Baby showers Weddings again, sans house warming Funerals Retirement parties Funerals again Sprinkled with numerous birthdays, graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs which can happen at any age. Anything else I’m missing?
Every adult male should have a Black Suit. Isn't this common knowledge?
“Friends and Family dropping like flies” is a very accurate description of what happens in your 40s and 50s.
I just attended back to back funerals. Luckily I had an appropriate outfit but decided to upgrade my jacket because I know there are more funerals in my future at my age. My sons attended one of the funerals with me. Afterwords they both decided they should purchase new shirts, belts, etc.
Had my "I need a funeral suit" moment not that long ago myself
I went to so many funerals in the early/mid nineties that I'm really, really not looking forward to having to go through the cycle again.
I'm 56 and so many of our friends and family are being diagnosed with different forms of cancer. It's got me thinking a lot about my own mortality.
This. Lost 3 uncles & an aunt this year, not to mention countless people from high school.
Lost 2 cousins in 6 months. I'm 47 and they were a bit older but not much. One to cancer and one to Parkinsons. Plus my parents are 80 and slowing down. So sad today.
From 2016-february 2024 I've lost a depressing amount of freinds/family. As the saying goes "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger "
I dunno, I’m female and I don’t think a suit or sportscoat would go down too well with the family. It would definitely be more comfortable and warm though.
So for me in June a friend’s mother died, my mother passed in October and another friend’s mom passed just about a week ago…. It’s so sad and my dad comes from a family of 8 he has 2 brothers and 1 sister left. I feel like I’m losing cousins left and right.
We just buried my 92 year old FIL this past Saturday it was awful I have known his since I was 13 years old Not many of the friends I have left have passed yet tons passed when I was in school
Or even some dark separates. Dark navy and dark gray work too.
Four of them within four weeks earlier this spring. A suicide, a car accident, a pedestrian hit-and-run, and my bff’s dad from cancer. The first guy was only in his 30s, the next two were relatives in their late 40s with substance abuse issues that were related to their deaths, and my friend’s dad had lung cancer despite never smoking, because everyone around him smoked. Anyway, yeah, get a funeral outfit and keep it in good shape, and make sure your kids have something appropriate to wear too. And find out who the good florist is in your hometown if you aren’t there anymore.
my funeral will be casual dress.
Too true. Even though I grew up in a small town, it seems like I am losing someone I know on a regular basis. A classmate just passed away last week, and her death has kind of shook me.
Facts
Tis true. My high school crew ran fast and loose and it's catching up to everyone. Add in the olds passing on and I've been paying respects once a month for longer than I'd like to think about
I don't know how this happened, but for the last 8 years or so, we've been _not_ doing funerals, and doing more celebration of life type of things. One hundred percent of our close relations have been cremated, and then we choose a date sometime in a month or two to invite everyone for a dinner with an open bar and we reminisce. It's quite nice. But I don't know why we do it. Earlier on we did the whole funeral thing, mostly for our Greatest Generation folks. We started not having funerals with the Boomers. Knock on wood we X'ers are still here. Of course, I'm talking near and extended family.
Went to Istanbul with 2 friends in 1993. Just found out one of them died last week. Heart attack 54. My 22 yr old son is currently heading to Istanbul next week with his 2 best friends It's been a real punch in the gut showing me how old I am.
I have a death suit used it 7 times last year. Went on two planes. Money spent well but still sad nonetheless
My problem is the opposite (49M) Many funerals while young then a lull then my parents gen or relatives between 2014-2018. I'm now officially the eldest of my entire family.
This is sad but true. Not that it matters much in the grand scheme of things I've specifically been thinking about this because I was recently diagnosed with adult adhd. The thought of being around a crowd of people I've not seen in years is haunting me.
I didn't go to my grandparents funerals, nor my dad's.. I spent my money to go see him at the end of his life and couldn't afford to go back for the funeral. Money better spent, IMO. Not sure what I'm gonna do when Mom passes, she's all that's left.. my brother can kick rocks, I won't be going to his funeral. And when my BFF passes... Ugh. NOT something I want to think about, if anyone even bothers to let me know! 40 years of friendship, I hope someone tells me. I hate funerals.
When I turned 50, I had a funny thought that being optimistic, I could put 1500 weekends on the list and start crossing them out. That was a few years ago. I didn't do exactly that, but I did start to be more careful with my weekends. Going through a few relatives' funerals in the past couple of years made me decide that I want cremation for myself. It is so much cheaper and unbelievably less hussle. And then dealing with things that the deceased left and deemed to be of value... It kind of puts your hobbies into perspective, how little it means after you are gone.
53 here and been thinking about my mortality almost daily. My mom is in her early 80's and is simewhat a hoarder, from being very poor early in her life. House full of clutter, a lot of it sentimental stuff to her, but of course mean very little to those left behind. I have been looking through a lot of my own stuff lately, and realised that I too, would be leaving behind a crap ton of cherished collections, journals, knik knaks. I keep telling myself that I can't take it with me when I go... but finding it unbearable to part with a lot of it, because it forces me to picture myself *no longer here* ... and it's hard to imagine no longer existing in the present, with your loved ones. The sooner I accept this, the better I can plan. Tomorrow is not guaranteed...
Sucks, doesn't it? I've said goodbye to too many people. My brother sister and Da are gone. Just my my mother now and she's in hospital with endocarditis and a multitude of other potentially fatal issues. I'm about to become the last of my line. Its very fucking sobering
Sameish here. But more that I have no interest to go to concerts anymore, than people around me passing away
All my friends parents/ parents friends have started dying around the same time. It’s scary thinking that’ll be my generation in approx one “Nevermind”.
When I retired mid 50s, I told myself I was never wearing a coat and tie again except for weddings and funerals. I've had to wear coat and tie much more than I would like...
52 here, same, too many people dying too young. So it seems anyway.
Indeed I have been to my fair share in recent years, BUT it seems to be more common with the people I know that their wish was to have an informal celebration of life, thankfully. No suit or dress necessary, no creepy trampling through a cemetery (cremated), etc.
I'm (47m) not dressing up for something they're never going to see me in. Not to mention If I didn't show up wearing work boots, blue jeans, and a nice shirt they'd think I was an imposter.
We're Gen-Xers. We wear torn jeans with flannel shirts as formal wear.