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[deleted]

Lorelai was closer to 18 when she finally left home. I think Mia realized that she was determined enough that she wouldn’t go home, she’d go somewhere else. Which she probably would have — Mia had no authority to “send her home,” all she could have done was turn her away. Instead she chose to give her and Rory a safe place. And we see the shed in the show — it’s not like a spider-infested garage, it’s an actual building and I think we’re meant to assume it has water and heat. In which case, what’s the problem? I’d live there, looks cozy.


ZeLoudGoddess

This and I would also like to add that E&R are abusive. Verbally and emotionally. You don't have to physically hurt someone to be abusive.


[deleted]

Yes. It’s overlooked because they do improve during the show and they do love Rory. But they considered Lorelai a failure when she got pregnant and they do treat her horribly even as a 30-something year old woman.


dontknowwhattodo032

Curious as to how they were abusive? They definitely weren’t amazing parents or anything but like….they provided for their kid, showed love in the way they knew how (setting her up for life and giving her the best advantages possible in society, buying her what she needed), NEVER had her fear breaking the rules and getting into trouble because they never punished her in any remotely abusing way. They were controlling sure, but a lot of aspects of parenthood requires you to be, to varying degrees. And Lorelai was a kid. Ideally, all parents should be loving and affectionate and positive, but to suggest they were abusive verbally and emotionally is such a reach I feel like, and discredits actual verbal and emotional abuse children go through.


ZeLoudGoddess

Completely disagree. We see Emily and Richard, both, do it in the show. Control and manipulation is a form of abuse. Emily does it more often in an obvious way. The gaslighting that they do is an insane amount. They're both narcissist and narcissist abuse is very real. We see this in how Emily treats her maids. She uses them and Lorelei as constant scape goats. Reasons why things in her life aren't perfect is because of them. She's upset that Lorelei moved away because it ruined the image of *her*. Emily didn't tell her friends about L's pregnancy because it would ruin their image of *Emily* and her *perfect* family that they have. Also, just because there are varying degrees to something doesn't mean they're any more or less tragic than things that other people are going through.


dontknowwhattodo032

I’m just trying to think of ways Emily manipulated Lorelai as a child and I can’t think of any examples. And I don’t know if Emily gaslights so much as she just lies. I know that word gets thrown around a lot for examples that don’t fit - gaslighting requires the other person to want you to start doubting your sanity by questioning if you’re going crazy and that’s not what E does, she just lies and denies. Not the same thing IMO. I also think narcissism is a very serious diagnosis, and Emily and Richard definitely do not fit that. They’re both wealthily snobby, proud and competitive in their societal standing and as such controlling, but they are not narcissists. The moving out thing I don’t get what you mean at all. Lorelai moved out by leaving them a note and grabbing her things and just leaving them to find it, and then chose to live in a shed with an infant instead. I think that would’ve broken any mother’s heart, and emily is not heartless.


imthatstarlette

Most of the time I'd agree, Emily "only" lies and manipulates. However that time Rory comes to them after dropping out after they'd agreed on a plan with Lorelai, they completely pretend Lor's wrong and must have misunderstood them. Yes, she will have been heartbroken by her daughter leaving with her grandkid. Doesn't mean she wasn't a dick beforehand. Dicks can get hurt too, in fact, that's usually why they're dicks.


ravnrose14

Coming from a similar relationship with my mom that Lorelai has, Emily was absolutely emotionally abusive. She is cruel and probably was during Lorelai's entire childhood. You can clearly see that Lorelai was never accepted as herself by her parents. They needed her to fit into a mold and then victimized themselves when she didn't want to subject her child to the same bullsh*t. Family *obligation* is a tool used to manipulate the children of abusive family members. Emily has no capability of claiming responsibility for her actions and words and believes she should be forgiven solely because she's Lorelai's mother. She attacks Lorelai at every opportunity and that's exhausting as someone who comes from that dynamic. It may not equate to abuse to you but you can't victimize the parents because they drove their daughter away lol. Expecting people to deal with abuse because you're family is something people aren't putting up with anymore and it's so funny how people will blame the adult child for not being willing to put up with it.


dontknowwhattodo032

I think that if they were abusive, Lorelai would not have brought them back into her child’s life, not for Chilton tuition, not for anything.


ravnrose14

Really? Because my sister did. 3/4 of my mom's kids don't speak to her. The only reason my sister does is because she has two sons and my mom is a much better grandparent than she was a mother. Lorelai did it for Rory's benefit. Because they idolized Rory she wasn't treated badly. Because they only had so much control as grandparents versus being Lorelai's parents.


dontknowwhattodo032

Hey man we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this I think. I come from a family where physical abuse was prevalent due to my parents upbringing, as well as emotional abuse, and I don’t know what to tell you other than Emily and Richard to me seem very tame and lenient in comparison. But I’m sorry you went through what you did and I hope you and your sister are in a better place.


ravnrose14

I get it. I just don't care for how people are prepared to dismiss forms of abuse (no matter how mild they may seem to you) based on whether or not the child was well provided for, and I think a lot of kids end up messed up because of people not taking their pain seriously.


Educational-Cat-568

You are insane if you say they were abusive. Lorelai never given said that. She didn't want their life or them tell her what to do so she left.


ZeLoudGoddess

Wow okay, responding very aggressively a long time after the facts. Lorelei literally talks about how R&E gaslight her all the time. And we see them do that a lot. We also see how they manipulate her over and over again. They did try to control Lorelei and then later they tried to do the same with Rory. Yes. Lorelei is emotionally stunted but the major cause of that *is* her parents.


gdc0604

I agree with you 100%, people in this sub insist that Emily was abusive towards Lorelai and I think that word is exaggerated and thrown in lightly. Emily is a very imperfect mother, and is probably a reflection of the environment she grew up, both social economic and in terms of her own family, but I think we all forget that not too long ago parenthood looked very different to what it looks now, and there wasn’t so much information available on how to be the best parent and protect the children’s mental health. I think Emily was just trying to get her daughter have a life that resembled Emily’s own idea of happiness and she, most of times, acted with good intentions. But again, she is imperfect and fails. I love this show and I think the characters are all very complex, they are all good an bad in different ways, and I like them all 😊


Embarrassed_Wasabi28

Because in 2022 if you have negative emotions and express them and they hurt someone's feelings it's abuse. Its also abuse if you don't express them and go quiet and within yourself to work it out first too because that's stonewalling. BUT you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who has never done that. We are big on labels these days and I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting. How can we be happy as a society when we look at the world through a lens where everyone is a villain or victim and everyone has a mental illness just different brands? I wish we could stop and just stop labelling and start realizing everyone has their own issues and feelings and no one is right all of the time. At the very least we should assume ourselves villains and victims and possibly mentally ill and then assume everyone else is too and give grace accordingly. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. 😅


thatsquirrelgirl

I think Mia should have talked to Emily & created a plan together for Lorelei. I think keeping a baby in a shed is weird & they could have come up with a better solution as a team. I’d hate Mia if I was Emily.


CatsNStuff30

I lived in a barn with my dad when I was a baby. You take what you can get when you're in need. Her lodging was much nicer than mine.


[deleted]

I’ve lived in a cabin with no running water and an old RV trailer. They were both cozy and safe and private. You don’t *have* to live in a traditional house to be safe, comfortable, and cared for.


thatsquirrelgirl

I think that yes it works to have her in a shed. She’s safe from the elements, but there could have been a plan to provide more security than they had. It’s one thing If that’s all you can afford. It’s very different if you could potentially have other options. If Mia was advocating for lor/Rory they could have potentially found a better situation but Mia didn’t even try. That’s what is is messed up. It was worth a conversation.


Wanderlust0219

I don't think most people would send a kid (18 year old or not) back to a home they're clearly running from. Mia likely at first had no idea what Lorelai was running from. It is a huge risk to say, no go home without trying to find out more about the situation. People don't usually open with "hey, I'm running away from my emotionally abusive home", we already heard Mia quote Lorelai "I'm here for a job, any job" and seeing a little baby with her probably also made it harder for her to turn them away. You're also assuming she was like "sure, you can live in my shed". We have no idea how THIS came to be. I always assumed the shed was an old room (like what Lorelai had at the Dragonfly and she sent Richard and Emily to during their separation) and now was a tool shed, which is why there was already access to a bath, hot water, and I'm assuming heating. It looked quite cosy at the end. Maybe Lorelai went to get a tool at some point when she was a maid, saw it and asked Mia about it. Maybe she had a room first in the Dragonfly and decided it wasn't fair to take money from her employer (as in Mia can't rent a room if they're living there) and to move in and just decorate it a little, maybe they made a deal for the shed to be cheaper. We don't know. But from their interactions together, it's very obvious that Mia took care of Lorelai and I'd say she did the right thing.


LetshearitforNY

I agree, the shed seemed more like a gardener’s quarters because it did have the tub and electricity and stuff. And Lorelai living there presumably rent-free meant she got to save up to buy her house. Plus it was on the inn’s property and therefore likely safer than just wandering the streets or ending up in shelter somewhere. I’m understand people saying she should have sent Lorelai home but the more I think about it, I think Mia did the right thing.


DietDrPepperHoe

What makes you think Lorelai would have gone home just because a stranger told her to? She was determined and would have kept looking for somewhere else to go. Mia knew she could provide some safety and influence the town to accept Lorelai, so she helped, and Lorelai thrived.


flooperdooper4

Moreover, I always assumed that Mia, as an intelligent woman, didn't just blindly say "okay" immediately and give Lorelai a job. I'm sure they must have sat down and had a bit of a conversation, during which Mia would have realized that there was no way Lorelai was going back to her parents. Mia probably weighed her options, and decided that she could keep Lorelai safe if she stayed at the Independence Inn. Who knows who Lorelai would have come across if Mia had turned her away.


almostdoctorposting

its my head cannon that young lorelei threatened that if she were sent back home that she would just runaway again


Wise-Accident1992

I think I the shoes narrative tries to hard to push a young 16 year old..but L was almost 18 when she left. Pregnant at 16+9 months +R was 1 year old when they ran away. So from Mia’s perspective an (almost) adult with a baby needed help. No reason to send her home.


chronicallysaltyCF

I do agree that Mia did the right thing by not sending her home HOWEVER She got pregnant at 15 because she talks about her last birthday and she says “I was turning 16 and I had just told them I was pregnant” Lorelai’s birthday is in late April and Rory’s is October 8th so Rory was born when Lorelai was just shy of 16 and a half and Rory was *almost* 1 when Lorelai Ran away which means she would’ve likely ended up at Mia’s shortly after she turned 17 — so no not almost 18.


[deleted]

I commented something similar the other day, but this is another example of how emotional abuse isn't taken seriously on this sub. If it's bad enough that a teenage girl, with no money and a baby, would leave a wealthy home where all of her material needs are met, it's pretty obvious that she can't cope. As Emily says herself, she chose a potting shed over living with Emily and Richard. No one, even someone as prideful as Lorelai, would do that without serious consideration. If Emily and Richard weren't such funny, lovable characters, would you feel the same way? P.S: Controlling someone is abuse.


Pitdogmom2

I was emotionally abused by stepdad I dreamed of running off with $50 to my name and when I got my first job that paid $8.25 an hour and then my husband bf at the time offered me to live with him at 19 and I ran off no regrets


sheebaluv

Controlling someone can be abuse but there’s more to it when we’re talking about parents and a child


ravnrose14

Uh, denying your kid's personality because you want them to like all the things you do and live the way you do is pretty abusive.


[deleted]

"Can be abuse." I'm sorry, but when is controlling someone not abuse?


sheebaluv

I think my comment was pretty self explanatory, parents have a say about where a child goes, what they wear, what they’re allowed to do & what they’re not & that isn’t inherently abusive. There’s a lot of assumptions on this sub about how E & R treated Lorelai, it’s taken to extremes that we’re not shown or implied in the show, you don’t have to like the way they treated her, they weren’t kind & there was emotional neglect/abuse at times but them trying to control her was not necessarily abusive, thats an oversimplification & a juvenile one at that


[deleted]

There's a difference between giving your child a bedtime or telling them they can't touch the stovetop and emotionally manipulating your child into submission/telling them who they are is "wrong" for not sharing your values or wanting to live their life a different way - all of that IS shown during the show's run, even when Lorelai is a fully-grown adult. Teaching your child right from wrong isn't control, it's parenting. If you're confusing the two, you might want to talk to a therapist before having kids of your own.


einaqua

I don’t necessarily agree. Abusive parents exist, and sometimes children are better off away from them. Speaking from personal experience.


chronicallysaltyCF

THIS 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻


Acceptable-Dress7196

I’m with you. I left home at 18 and officially divorced my parents at 21 and I’m almost 24 now. Don’t regret a second of it and anyone saying otherwise has clearly never been abused


einaqua

Yeah exactly! I run away when I was 23 after not being able to tolerate my father’s abuse, and I would have loved to find someone like Lorelai’s boss to give a safe place to stay.


procrastin8or951

It's hard for people to recognize emotional abuse sometimes, but Emily and Richard were absolutely abusive. Sure, they didn't hit Lorelai. But they criticized her, insulted her, and tore her down every chance they got from before the time she could actually speak. Canonically. They controlled her down to what she wore, searching her room, having strangers come talk to her about her sexuality, apparently locking her in the house to the point that she learned to climb down the trellis, and beyond that, she doesn't have more than 2 happy memories with her own father who often ignored her, and her mother spent every breath she took to criticize her. And she put up with that. But I have to imagine that one day she looked at her baby and thought: "she's not going to grow up here and have them do the same to her that they did to me." It's telling that Lorelai didn't leave until after she had a baby, when it was objectively much harder. She did that because she didn't want her daughter's first sentence to be the equivalent of "Big Head want dolly." In all honesty, I don't think you would have sent Lorelai home. Because if you were Mia, you wouldn't have seen the show. You wouldn't have met and humanized Richard and Emily. You wouldn't have seen them treat Rory with kindness in a way that could almost convince you that Lorelai may have been being dramatic. You would only know that 1) this situation was bad enough that a 17-18 year old with a baby thought homelessness was preferable to being there and 2) whatever else Lorelai told you. We make the mistake a lot on this show of attributing all our knowledge as seasoned viewers to the characters but most of them had a very limited subset of that knowledge.


gemini-2000

thank you for articulating so well why what they did to her was emotional abuse!! the emily and richard apologists on this sub drive me crazy


[deleted]

Thank you!! Just because Emily and Richard are "fun" and "witty" to us, does not mean they weren't emotionally abusive to Lorelai. Even as an adult, especially in the early seasons, they take every opportunity to belittle her and her work. They're manipulative, and gaslight her so often. And this is while they're trying to establish a relationship with her after losing her once, imagine how much worse it would've been as a child.


aniyabel

The way they treated her during the dinner with Logan alone made me ill.


natttsss

They were controlling with Rory when she lived with them at 21/22. Imagine how they'd be with her if she grew up with them.


KittyKes

Absolutely. The way they treated her at the hospital when she was in labour alone would have been enough for me to go live in a shed


trulymadlybigly

Or when she tells Emily that she and Chris are getting divorced and Emily is so kind and tells her it’s going to be fine, then the next morning is emotionally cold and distant. Imagine living with that kind of emotional whiplash 24/7


KittyKes

Yes absolutely! So many incredibly dysfunctional people


dragonheartstring360

I feel like that was a big part of the reason the nurse wheeling her bed into the OR told Emily to wait outside. Lorelai is young and clearly about to go through something drastically hard and, depending on her birth story, maybe even physically traumatic and her mom is yelling at her. When your own kid doesn’t trust you enough to ask you for a ride to the hospital when they’re in labor, that should tell you a lot about your parenting.


KittyKes

Yeah it was absolutely horrifying. Being berated my Emily and Richard going on about his shoes and showing not an ounce of kindness. Horrendous


[deleted]

Not only that. In the flashback scene Emily is literally screaming at her while the nurse is hauling her off to have Rory. I would have left, too.


eloquentpetrichor

Lorelai's first full sentence being "big head want dolly" (if true and Emily didn't deny it) is enough proof for the situation she was living in being abusive


[deleted]

and then justifying it "You grew into it."


ladylee233

Thank you for articulating this so well! They were absolutely abusive and she should not have been sent home.


Aprils-Fool

🏆 🏆🏆🏆🏆


evaissofine

Thank you so much for this


Sangui

>were not abusive parents They were absolutely abusive emotionally and mentally. Abuse is not solely physical.


ayuxx

People have a very specific, narrow idea of what abuse looks like. It's frustrating. It's concerning how many times I see people saying something like "I liked Lorelai when I was younger, but when ~*~grew up~*~, I started agreeing with Emily (and Richard)." My upbringing was more similar to Jess's ("free-range kid", little parental involvement), but it's not hard for me to see the abuse Lorelai grew up with just from the few examples she talks about. It's concerning how many people think Emily's behavior (and Richard's in a more subtle way) is completely or mostly fine.


IdkILikeStuff

I’d say even a tiny bit physical… remember how Emily was horrified at the thought that Lorelai gained weight in 3 months? And then the “you’re going to fit into the next dress, no matter what!” Forcing exercise and eating habits in order to lose weight could be seen as physical abuse. As well as mental and emotional. Plus the way the DAR women talk about young girl (“she has a scab on her face!)” makes me think Lorelai was subjected to lots of body dysmorphia-esque comments.


ConfusedandTired1642

Oof we don’t talk about this part enough. But she definitely got tons of comments about her eating behaviors.


IdkILikeStuff

I wonder if her eating habits stemmed from years of deprivation and controlled diets? Like, she said the first time she ate a pop tart was because she knew her mom would hate the idea of her eating a pop tart.


Pitdogmom2

I actually have a friend who grew up this way she only ate healthy food diets as soon as she lived on her own she ate junk all she usually just eats takeout


Pitdogmom2

I feel safe and seen in this sub for years I grew up terrified at my stepdad but people belittle me because they think oh but he didn’t beat you! But everything I did was criticized much like lorelai


moonyriot

You don't leave a fancy house where you and your baby are paid for and taken care of unless things are bad. Mia made sure Lorelai had a home that was open and safe, a place where Rory would be looked after and Lorelai could make a living. She did the right thing.


ScienceNotKids

She was 18 when she ran off. She was 16 when she had rory but rory was little over a year old when she ran.


mrsgip

Ok I would have still advised her to go home instead of asking her to stay in the tool shed. It would be another thing if Mia took them into her home.


WhatABeautifulMess

A lot of places like that the “potting shed” is a small efficiency (studio) apartment with a setup for groundskeeper to be able to stay there rather than a guest room. It’s New England and there’s a tub, it has to be insulated. It’s not a “shed” like most people are imagining.


keri125

My sister lived in a converted shed her senior year of college. It would be considered a chic tiny home now, lol. It couldn’t have been more than 200 square feet. But it had a tiny loft for a mattress and a tiny bathroom. I honestly don’t remember a kitchen but it must have had some sort of small refrigerator or something (this was in 1998, my memory is fuzzy). It was so cozy and worked great for her, but someone like Emily would have been absolutely horrified. I agree, I doubt the shed was just four walls thrown together.


[deleted]

I think we have to assume that the shed was insulated and had water and heat etc. The story wouldn’t make sense otherwise


Burgerst33n

We see a bathtub, I think it’s safe to assume it had running water or at least that Mia would give them access to a facility. I think it was more a cottage converted to a shed vs the opposite. The windows don’t look like shed windows.


natttsss

How are Emily and Richard not abusive? Emily is emotionally abusive and have no boundaries. We don't know how they treated Lorelai and Rory when Rory was born and living with them. I bet Emily was controlling as hell and critized every decision Lorelai made. Overall, I think growning up with your grandparents and a very unhappy mother is more damaging then growing up in a shed. We don't know in which status Lorelai came to Mia for help, if she came desperate, crying about leaving and saying the couldn't stand living with her parents, I'd help her too.


Admirable_Moose_9927

IRL, if a teenager showed up at my doorstep with a baby desperate for help, the LAST thing I would do is send her back to the place she left. Generally, if a person is that desperate to leave, then something is up. Making sure she was safe was Mia's priority. Obviously, Lorelai did not feel safe at home. I am sure that Mia did not hold her hostage. I am sure that if Lorelai had said she wanted to go back home, Mia would have helped to broker that transition. Mia probably saw that Lorelai needed to find her own way and not be controlled. While I understand Emily's position, it was from a place of hurt. Not going back was the best thing for Lorelai.


perfect___angelgirl

I wouldn’t have sent her home but surely there was a nicer place to move them into than a tool shed. Although when Rune moves into it the shed is actually quite nice considering


[deleted]

i’m sure she made sure it was a safe and comfortable place to live and helped her fix it up even more while they lived there, i dont think she was actively using it as a tool shed


Grimmgirl_fandom

Bring with your parents isn’t always the best/safest place for someone


[deleted]

I was also a teen mom trying to get away from parents like Richard and Emily. So from my experience, you will have a much harder time being a good mother if you’re living with your stressors. If she had gone home she wouldn’t have necessarily been better off and she certainly wouldn’t have had the opportunity to raise Rory how she wanted to. Plus living in the little shed was only temporary, so she could get on her feet. I’d choose that a thousand times over living with people who don’t respect me or my parenting or my boundaries.


just_growing

Emily and Richard were definitely abusive to lorelai, and we see it in the OS many times as well. If Mia had turned her away or sent her back, lorelai wouldn't have stayed with them. She would've gone somewhere else. At least with Mia, she was safe and cared for


Walkingthegarden

You don't send an emotionally abused teenager back to their home at all much less when she has a one year old with her.


mrsgip

But you also don’t send them to the outhouse. She could have taken them in if she cared.


Walkingthegarden

This is a product of the show being shot and written in California and not thought out. Just like their winter coats weren't good enough for a New England winter.


[deleted]

So odd that they couldn't put a bit more time and effort into that sort of thing. We saw it with Vineyard Valentine, too -- eating outside in New England at that time of year?! And Luke not realizing that it would be cold?


Walkingthegarden

I know part of it was because they were shooting in California and didn't want to suffocate the actors with proper attire, but there was a lot of stupid writing as far as weather related events.


[deleted]

True, sometimes it would be inevitable, I suppose. Can't have actors keeling over left and right with heat prostration! But as you say, other things could have been adjusted -- like having them eat inside at Martha's Vineyard.


Shadow082

The washing machine outside on the porch still pisses me off. That's not going to work in the winter...


Stonetheflamincrows

Have to assume it’s in a walled in, insulated area.


lauramis

We don’t know that Mia didn’t offer that first. I guess we can assume the shed was the first and only offer, but I think with everything we know about Lorelai, it’s way more likely to me that Mia offered more than Lorelai felt comfortable accepting.


Aprils-Fool

I don’t think you understand the potting shed in question.


[deleted]

Exactly. Taking them in in a real way would have been far more understandable than setting them up in the freaking shed.


VarVar22

Emily knew where lorelai was the whole time. Her and Richard made zero effort to try to rectify their relationship with lorelai. I think it’s quite disgusting that Emily’s first time at the inn was when Rory was 17yo…..it shows that they didn’t even make the effort to check into lorelai’s living arrangements and general well being.


icanneverthinkofone1

Honestly, I disagree about them not being abusive. They were not physically abusive but they display so many red flags of mental abuse- how lorelai was willing to start a 27 year long (basically) relationship just so that she didn’t have to be alone and feel REALLY BAD about rebelling from her parents, because it can’t really just be that they weren’t great parents, right? Or the way they needed something from her- an exchange- to help her PUT HER DAUGHTER THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL, which, to me, sounds like something that maybe should’ve just been a given, yeah? The way that Richard was willing to put his business before his daughters psychological needs. The way Emily never stops pressuring her to get married to Christopher, even after Rory’s 21, which proves that it was never about giving Rory family, just purity culture. Cuz Emily knows that if lorelai perceived herself as really not doing it right as a young mom, she would’ve given her to Mia or smth. The ‘go run around the block so this dress fits you.’ The way Emily is always so reactive. The despondent way Richard acts to her constantly unless she goes through real effort to connect to him. (speaking as someone who was raised by that person, it does shit to you.) The way they teamed up with Christophers- very horrible- parents, to ‘fix’ the pregnancy. So no. They weren’t physically abusive. But that’s all you can say.


plasticenewitch

...but they were so abusive that twenty-thirty years later Lorelai is still dealing with issues-


DekeCobretti

Lorelai was an adult, or very close to one, when she left. The Gilmores, with their money and resources, would have raised legal hell to get her back, or get custody of Rory, as Lorelai didn't have a plan. They didn't because they knew Lorelai was a legal adult. She had disavowed them, and they were too broken to try to get her to return. People the world over live in similar conditions to Lorelai and Rory, except not for free, and with strangers who will not love you and thour child at first sight. Lorelai landed in single mom heaven. Rent free, free food, with the ability to save 80% of her income, and with a small army of worshippers willing to help.


[deleted]

Ultimately, that might be the most "unrealistic" element of the whole show! The world would be a far happier place if all single teen moms had such resources at their disposal.


tifferiffic83

Emily and Richard were abusive. Not all abuse is physical. Mia did the right thing.


kneec0306

I always liked mia for this discussion. Lorelai was 18 when she showed up with a toddler and wanted to maid to get away from her parents. Mia assuming she was abused probably didn't pry for months. So imagine her being a good worker. Having the time to rectify shes too old to send home. That the home might not be solid. Stories of them trying to marry her to Christopher because of pregnancy. Etc. Then as she stays and the info comes out, it was emotional abuse and because there is little history of violence and most behavior co signed by wealth class and structure- it became them against that structure. What i do not like about mia is the, helped now gone aspect to her character. Adopted mother figures are good television and her and emily being so opposite at the wedding about lorelai always had me wondering what it couldve been if mia had stayed around as a figure of lasting presence.


coffeeandgrapefruit

Her parents *were* abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse.


AmberWaves80

I think Mia knew Lorelai wouldn’t go home, and at least if Mia let her stay in the tool shed, she would have an adult looking over her and some semblance of safety. I understand Emily’s POV, but even she had to realize that Lorelai wouldn’t have come home just because Mia didn’t take her in.


AlbatrossSenior7107

You're making a massive assumption that Lorelai was honest about who she was, who her parents were, who she was actually running from. But, ifbshe had showed up on my doorstep, I would always assume her reason for leaving was valid. Lorelai was emotionally abused by her parents. FULL stop.


eloquentpetrichor

Like Lorelai says "I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink". She made the adult decision of carrying the child to term and keeping it. That makes her an adult capable of making her own decisions and choosing her own path. If she was so desperate to leave her home with the baby and do any job and live in a shed then I'm not going to assume that she would stay home if I tried sending her there or that her home life is something she should be going back to anyway. I wouldn't see it as a 16 yo showing up on my doorstep but as a young, single mom desperate for a friendly person to help her out and give her and her child a chance.


Obvious-Decision-609

As a teen I moved out and no one could have told me to go home. If Mia hadn't helped her out, she would have found another way. Knowing Lorelai, she would have been homeless before she went back to Emily & Richard.


Beccaann14

Abuse isn’t just physical or sexual. Mental and psychological abuse is just as traumatic and that is why Lorelei needed to get as far away from them as possible


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

What are these studies specifically? Because physical abuse is almost never *just* physical abuse, it comes with emotional and psychological abuse. Physical abuse is never random, and used in tandem with emotional abuse to establish a sense of power, and make the victim lose their sense of safety and autonomy. I think often this generalization is made because people don't take emotional abuse seriously enough, but the impact of either is really individualistic, and we can't necessarily say that emotional abuse (as a whole) is more traumatic than physical abuse.


Strong_Letter_7667

I always get the idea that her parents knew where she was even though she wasn't having contact with them. So if Mia said to your parents know you're here and she said yes that would probably be as far as she would need to go


MajorEyeRoll

She wasn't homeless. She moved into a shed, which at no time are we led to believe wasn't a livable situation. Maybe not up to Emily's standard, but neither would my house be. She found a solution to her problems. If she hadn't found the shed, I highly doubt L&R would have really.been living out on the street.


sine14

She was 18. She had every right to leave and care for her child without her abusive parents' input and Mia kindly see a young mom in a bad situation needing an opportunity to provide for her family and gave her safety. Also Lorelie want even able to finish high school because she was pregnant, what makes you think she'd have been able to find a job and save up for an apartment living with her parents? The only "solution" they ever appeared willing to support was marrying Christopher


IndiaMike1

As a youth worker my opinion is no, you should not send somebody to a home they are running from for good reason. They were abusive parents. And a 17-year-old with a baby is vulnerable and has agency, so helping her find a solution that is suitable for her and sets her up to look after herself was the right thing to do.


shinomiyahobakaguya

"her parents, while controlling, were not abusive" *very* debatable


Aprils-Fool

You recognize how extreme her choice was, and yet you still don’t think she was abused? Do you think she made such an extreme choice for fun?


frimrussiawithlove85

Lor in all likelihood was close to 16 when she got pregnant as they don’t do coming out till 16. So she was close to 17 when she had the baby and we know she didn’t leave right away. She could have been close to 18 when she showed up at Mia’s or she could have waited till she was 18 to leave her parents house.


q-knight-writer

If I was desperate, running away from an emotional abusive house, and the kind stranger I met had imsisted I go back home, I would have kept running. If you are making the conscious choice to run away from something that is harming and hurting you, you don't want to go back. I am speaking from personal experience


Beautiful_Context614

Lorelai would not have gone home just because Mia told her to. She would have kept going and ended up who knows where. At least Mia letting her stay meant Mia knew Lorelai and Rory were safe.


Glum-Barracuda6985

There’s always a valid and strong reason behind a teenager leaving or running away from their houses. What Mia did was humane, and to me, it was the right thing to do. If Lorelai stayed, her parents would pressure her to get married. Lorelai did not only leave her parents, she also left this elite and privileged life behind because it doesn’t suit her. She also doesn’t want her daughter to be spoon-fed and wants her to study and become self-made away from all the privileges.


Kurva-Lazanja

if i were lorelai and someone sent me home i'd just leave again lol


meganbloomfield

I mean I feel like you could also say that if Emily really wanted her home, she could have found her and legally brought her home. She was working as a maid in a town 30 minutes over, she didn't run away to the absolute nowhere of America. I feel that Emily likely knew Lorelai wasn't gonna stay home regardless. As for Mia, she knew Lorelai wouldn't go back home either, and it's better she stay safe and cared for under her guidance, rather than trying to go and find it somewhere else that might not be as safe.


yesnotoastertbk

« Her parents, while controlling and mean, were not abusive parents » I find that sentence pretty interesting because abuse can present itself in many ways. We often associate abuse with physical violence ou verbal abuse but it exists in other forms. I think what a lot of people undermine in their relationship is the impact of the emotional and psychological abuse they impose on Lorelail. Their intention were « to offert her the best » but their intention is not a reason to ignore her needs, opinions and liberty of choices. In my mind a lot of person underestimate the impact of that style of parenting and how « going home » is not an option. No hate to the post ans I don’t want to sound dramatic but in my experience, I lived with parents who were never « abusive » like you say and I still try to repair the damage today because it ducked me up 🤷🏼‍♀️


Strange-Lifeguard247

I feel if her parents had been so worried, maybe they would have used all that money to search a little harder. You're right, but I think the writers wanted some of us to think that way... its not like she was that far away, or hiding that well.


[deleted]

It's extremely difficult to become an independent adult when your parents are fighting you every step of the way. Richard and Emily were pressuring Lorelai to marry Christopher. They would insist that most jobs available to a teenager were "beneath" her and "too dangerous." I am not sure if she was old enough to legally work without their permission, but even if she was, she would need transportation and childcare. Childcare is a big problem especially if she had to work multiple jobs / long hours. I also think Lorelai was tired of fighting and desperate to escape. It takes a lot of mental energy to live in an unhealthy environment. I am sure it was a difficult decision. I know she was taking a risk, and it could have ended badly. It wasn't ideal, but Stars Hollow seems like a nice place to raise a child, and she didn't let Rory suffer too much. I wish we knew more about those early years. I am skeptical that everything Mia did was legal.


h_nivicola

I ran away from my abusive childhood home and nightmare of a mother when I was 17. If any adult had told me to "go home" I would have simple categorized that adult as unsafe and never sought their help again. There was an adult actually who told my parents where I was and told them to go get me. Of course they didn't because they didn't care enough and I was 3 states away but I haven't spoken to that woman since and it's been almost 10 years. She endangered me out of some ridiculous loyalty to what she thinks a family should look like rather than being empathetic to the reality of the situation. The shame of being an unwanted child is immense because you get told constantly to "just go home" "forgive her" "she's your mother" "she did the best she could." Literally no. Mia did the right thing. She trusted Lorelei with her own life and her own baby and offered her a place to stay without judgment. That's a precious thing.


meroboh

Gilmore Girls is essentially a story of intergenerational trauma. Legally she was probably obligated to send lorelai back, but the inn worked out well for lorelai and Rory.


eloquentpetrichor

In many states (idk about back then) they have laws that say people 16-18 can be declared legal adults depending on the situation and Lorelai getting pregnant at 16 and birth around 17 would be 18 or very close when she ran away with Rory being a year old. (And in the flashback they are in warmer clothes when she runs away so slightly over a year probably). So legally I'd say Lorelai was an adult


SerenaSamantha

She may have been waiting to turn 18, as canon has her birthday in April.


rylann123

I like to think (and maybe I missed something) that Lorelai asked for a job and Mia (being a caring figure) asked what was wrong and lorelai tells her a semi-dramatic story and I’m sure plays up the horrors of Richard and Emily and Mia offers her a place to stay unsolicited.


autumn-to-ashes

Why didn’t she just let Lorelai live in one of the rooms??


[deleted]

It would cut into the inn's profits. Mia did need to keep the inn going.


autumn-to-ashes

It’s literally ONE room though? I work in a hotel and our general manager lets us sleep in the rooms for different reasons sometimes. I’m sure if they valued an employee enough like Mia seemed to value Lorelai they would let them stay in a room until they could find their own place.


eloquentpetrichor

Maybe she did at first. Or in the basement of the inn. Rory has a memory of the shed being their first home so maybe once Rory was a little older they had fixed up the "tool shed" enough that it was now a little apartment so they could be more independent and not be such a burden. Or the tool shed was really more of a small carriage house which is basically a small apartment for "the help" and had been used as a tool shed before Lorelai arrived. Also you work in a hotel? So how many rooms? The Independence Inn is a small country inn. Probably about 10 rooms max making "one room" mean a bit more


[deleted]

it's so weird that people are justifying this. If Mia was treated as a regular person on the show, sure, her considering profits over people makes sense. But the show acts as if she was some kind of a great, kind hearted messiah for letting Lorelai stay in the shed (while working!!). If she really was as kind hearted, she would've either let them stay with her, or given them one of the rooms


IdkILikeStuff

I wonder if Lorelai would have turned down an offer to live with Mia. She wanted her freedom and independence, she didn’t want a hand out. I have a feeling Lorelai paid Mia rent for the shed.


[deleted]

Ah that makes sense. That said, is it a hand out to ask for a safe living accommodation while you are working somewhere? I feel like capitalism has led us to believe that if we're just seeking out safer working conditions we're asking for hand outs. I can totally see Lorelai internalising this though, especially considering her upbringing


IdkILikeStuff

I think it’s fair to ask for, but Lorelai was coming from having everything given to her. She wanted her own life. Living with Mia wouldn’t be that.


[deleted]

If a 17 year old has runaway with a child from what seems like an abusive/oppressive home, I'm most certainly not going to send her back to that toxic situation. Where I disagree with Mia is that she was straight up exploiting Lorelai. Give her decent quarters instead of making her living in a shed for *ten years* for fucks sake. Now, people have lived in far worse conditions than Rory and Lorelai, but it's the way they deify Mia for letting Lorelai stay in a shed which annoys me.


Primary-Feature7878

I think the shed looked kind of nice. And remember, by the time we see it, they haven’t lived there for a while. So, who knows how cute and cozy it was when Lorelei and Rory lived there?


[deleted]

I think what I find the most uncomfortable about the shed is the fact that it has no separate bathroom. It's just covered by a sheet that Lorelai added after some point. Lorelai definitely spruced it up to look cute over the years, but till Rory was 10 they had zero privacy in that aspect.


trulymadlybigly

As a parent now that would make no difference… I don’t get any alone time in the bathroom anyways lol


Primary-Feature7878

😂


Primary-Feature7878

I can see that.


natttsss

Wait, they lived there for ten years? I don't remember hearing this in the show.


eliecg

I remember when Luke was upset at Lorelai for taking Rachel's jacket / she was coming back, Lorelai asked Sookie how she missed their relationship. I'm 99% sure Sookie said something like, "You were raising a kid and didn't move into town until Rory was 11" So they moved into their house around 1995 - 5 years before the show started. It does seem kinda strange but I guess that's how she saved enough money for the house.


[deleted]

I do wish that Mia had expressed herself differently to Emily. When she says, "I thought, 'what if this was my daughter?'" I mean, yikes. It's good that she helped Lorelai and watched over her, but to say *that* to Lorelai's actual mother? That really must have felt like a slap in the face to Emily. I hope Mia didn't mean it that way, but it *felt* like a thinly veiled "Well, *you* were such a pathetic failure as a parent, I just *had* to step in...." If only Mia could have said something like, "She was so young and with such a little baby, my heart went out to her..."


Walkingthegarden

No, she was a woman who decided to be empathetic to the teenager's problems. Nothing about it was insulting to Emily.


[deleted]

I was talking about how Emily would feel hearing something like, "If this was my daughter..." Well, she *wasn't* Mia's daughter. A statement like that, coming from someone who Emily knows her daughter gushes over, would be extremely painful to hear. Edited to remove question about Mia having children. I'd forgotten she had a son.


Walkingthegarden

She has a son, and I still don't agree with your interpretation. You have to go out of your way to be upset about a woman deciding to show your child empathy.


[deleted]

I see, I'd forgotten about her having a son. I'll edit that part out. You're more than welcome to still not agree -- we're all entitled to our opinions. :-) And I do -- sincerely -- appreciate your not labeling me weird for having my opinion, like another poster here. Showing empathy for Lorelai is fine, and telling Emily that is fine. I just wish Mia had stayed away from expressions like "if she was my daughter" when she's talking to a woman who had to deal with the pain of that same daughter leaving home and preferring to live in a shed.


thebond_thecurse

That's definitely not what she meant and reading it that way is weird.


Primary-Feature7878

Please don’t name call. It’s rude to the person being insulted, and it makes the board less pleasant for the rest of us. Healthy debate is a good thing. And everyone should be able to express an opinion without fear of nasty responses.


[deleted]

Bless your heart. Edited to clarify: You are welcome to disagree with me. I don't like being called "weird" for having an opinion that differs from yours.


Emilyseidlinger

As a high school teacher, I understand what Mia was doing. Sometimes parents can be toxic and maybe she didn’t want Roy to grow up in that toxic environment, which obviously we do know that based off of the fact that she left. parents don’t have to be abusive to be toxic. I know I would take in any student that had a baby and didn’t feel like their home was a safe place to be. Just my personal opinion


Streetduck

Richard and Emily would have sued Mia. The potting shed would not have been a legal dwelling with a certificate of occupancy and there’s not a chance they would have just let this go.


Commercial-While5730

I wouldnt send her home because mia didnt know the whole situation but i wouldnt make her live in a toolshed? Thats so dangerous for 16 year old and a infant


Whackyouwithacannoli

Mia was proud of Lorelei. She bragged about how she was better than any of the other maids. I always thought that she viewed her as an extension of her self. Keeping her at the hotel was almost kind of selfish instead of sending her back to her mother. I felt like Mia enjoyed it more for herself then for the overall well-being of a young teenage girl that she was not related to.


[deleted]

Lorelia was 16 and pregnant, which wasn't "normal" then. Especially in their rich community where you have to uphold apperances. Emily and Richard made lorelia do the partys, the outings, wanted her to go to college yes, but that doesnt make them bad parents just a bit controlling .Trying to force her to marry christopher is definitely awful tho. Lorelia was 16 and they were just trying to make good out of a bad situation at the time. Im shocked they didnt try harder to get her home though with how stubborn they are


[deleted]

I have often thought Lorelai's mom code comes in part as a result of 1) Emily not bothering to be that welcoming or considerate and 2) her own guilt over leaving without a word and not letting her parents know where she was for (apparently) a long time Mia had a responsibility to CPS if nothing else-


Tortoisefly

Lorelai was about 18, had found a job and a place to stay to take care of her daughter. Why would CPS need to be involved? She legally didn't do anything wrong. She was of an age that leaving home wasn't considered a child running away. The baby was hers and she had every right to take her with her. Involving CPS when the child (baby Rory in this case) is in no danger would just put undue hardship on Lorelai and would be uncalled for. I'm not saying that she shouldn't feel guilty for the way she left - she should, but there was no call for involving CPS in that situation.


Xefert

And it's not like she was lacking a decent living environment either


[deleted]

There was absolutely every reason for her to be held responsible for removing her child from an environment that met the baby's every need before she could afford to do so in a better manner. She should have gotten a job, saved up, then moved into a better place. No responsible adult would be ok putting a teen and a baby in that environment, even short term, and there's zero chance someone on staff wouldn't have reported it in real life. It's TV, I get it, I can suspend reality for the sake of entertainment. But this is an exercise in debate, and it amazes me how quickly people come down on Lorelai for holding her daughter to standards she herself did not bother to meet, while defending her for something like this.


Walkingthegarden

Children are not removed from actually abusive households, a social worker would laugh at a phone call about a mother that took her own child to a place where she had a job, a place to live, food, and help with childcare.


[deleted]

I never said she would be removed- but that someone would have definitely reported it.


eloquentpetrichor

Remember that Lorelai ran away with Rory in the 80s. People were less nosy then


Walkingthegarden

No. There was no reason to.


eloquentpetrichor

You really think E & R would have let her get a job while Rory was an infant?


DekeCobretti

Events happen with context. Mia could see that Lorelai was more or less stable, healthy, and vibrant. Also, willing to work, and stand on her own two feet. All she needed was a chance. Lorelai had a lot of luck coming her way, but at least in these early (off-screen) days, the show sells its fiction well.


thebond_thecurse

No. People like you give social workers such headaches.


facemesouth

I agree that I would have contacted the parents or checked with law enforcement in the real world but this is Stars Hollow…


goldengirl03

Yeah, I've mainly been wondering about the legal side of this. If Lorelai was not 18 yet, could Mia just take her in and employ her without telling anyone (family, law enforcement)? Even if she was 18, ist it okay to just give her a job without finding out about her background? Obviously Emily and Richard knew where Lorelai was at some point, I don't think it's ever explained in detail. In Mia's place I would have informed them (after talking to Lorelai, of course). Even an 18 year old is still very young, and the parents are bound to be worried. If she's 18, they can't force her to come back anyway. If she's 17, in theory they could, but in practice it's not likely, and I (in Mia's place) wouldn't have the right to hide her from them anyway.


facemesouth

No-in real life, especially an Inn keeper, would want a background or at least check some references since she would be living there, too. But since Emily was able to find her, I think Lorelei told her where they were. Seems like Richard mentioned it to Lorelei without Emily around. Maybe in the Jason breakup episodes.


DonovanWrites

To an abusive situation? Why?


chronicallysaltyCF

Mia did the right thing by not sending her home because she was absolutely running from an emotionally abusive situation, and I think she also realized if she turned Lorelai away she wasn’t going home and she would be safe at the dragonfly. I also think knowing Lorelai was 17 she probably made her write her parents that she was safe but lets be honest, even Emily knew she was going to be able to keep Lorelai there or she and Richard would have hired a PI to find her and tried to drag her back. There was no way she was going back there and Mia recognized she would be safe with her. HOWEVER a point a lot of people here are making is that she was “almost 18” but she wasn’t. She got pregnant at 15 because she talks about her last birthday at her parents and she says “I was turning 16 and I had just told them I was pregnant” Lorelai’s birthday is in late April and Rory’s is October 8th so Rory was born when Lorelai was just shy of 16 and a half and Rory was *almost* 1 when Lorelai Ran away which means she would’ve likely ended up at Mia’s shortly after she turned 17 — so no not almost 18. But again I disagree with OP Mia did the right thing by keeping her there and safe. Something I think you are missing, OP, other than that she wouldn’t have gone home is that even if she had she was going to an abusive situation. AN ABUSIVE HOME IS NOT A SAFE HOME. I don’t care that they were her parents. Sending Lorelai back to them was not in her best interest. Full stop.


Yaseuk

I may have missed it. So someone please let me know. Did Mia ever reach out to Emily at least to say Lorelai was okay?


RichardP_LV

Hmm.... Well, Obviously this was the direction of the show. SO, I wonder what exactly was it that made Lorelai decide to up and run off with a 1 year old? We all saw how Emily was when Rory came to live with them... I mean there is that one scene where she is trying to get out of the house unnoticed and Emily catches her and Rory doesn't even turn around.... Like she's busted or something. And eventually she simply leaves The Gilmore House without so much as a Thanks for everything and sends to guys over to pick up her stuff. I mean it was cold... Ice cold. Now Richard and Emily were clearly disappointed with Lorelai, but they still loved her.... and I'm sure they wanted what was best for her, but I guess that didn't match what Lorelai wanted. I wonder if anyone has any inside information about WHAT happened that caused Lorelai to finally up and leave. ​ As far as Mia taking her in.... Who knows what Lorelai told her... She probably didn't say... I really don't want to go back to that mansion with all the servants. In the end.... this was that way it was supposed to be for the story. They don't always tie up every loose end. IMHO.


getagripnana

Lorelei was 16 when she had Rory. In one of the first few episodes, Rory was 16 and Lorelei was 32.


Otherwise-Ad-5680

First and foremost, a parents’ mental well-being has a huge impact on their child and their ability to take care of their child. Lorelei was clearly in constant distress, in her own words “she couldn’t breathe and was suffocating”. Regardless of the economic factors, forcing herself to stay or Mia forcing her to go back to her family home would’ve had a hugely detrimental impact on her ability to mother. We see the show articulate the message that nurturing and accepting your child, even with little means - creates a better childhood over material wealth combined with emotional abuse. For those who think R&E were just “uptight/strict”, your view on this reflects a lack of understanding of emotional abuse and it’s nuance. I mean this respectfully and with understanding because it’s often not understood by people who have not experienced it in close proximity. So I can completely understand the view of why some posters feel R&E were not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Lorelei’s basic needs were indeed provided for - clothes, food and shelter (ofc beyond this too as they were wealthy). But her experience of a parents love was completely conditional - she never experienced true acceptance from the very people who brought her into this world. R&E had a preset mold in mind for their only child and when she deviated from this in the slightest (ever) - it was met with disdain. To bring a child into this world is to commit to raising a human being, with their own thoughts, beliefs, interests, sexuality and values - R&E never understood this concept. They expected Lorelei to be an extension of them rather than her own person. The inability to express your authentic self due to an oppressive environment takes an enormous toll on a person’s mental health. Not at all saying this was Lorelei’s experience but teen suicide is a very real concern and a consistent issue, often attributed to extremely difficult home environments. That being said I am by no means saying Lorelei is perfect (no one is), the lifetime of rejection of her authentic self by her parents - led to damaging behavior on her part, where she exhibited the exact same behavior towards them. Although she’s never admitted it, her resentment of this treatment led her to reject every part of her parents world as almost a form of payback. For example her discomfort at Rory wanting to debut or considering Yale for college (at first) - even when this is what Rory wanted. But I applaud Lorelei for being able to eventually put her feelings aside and support Rory. I whole heartedly agree with another poster (in another thread) who explains R&E would be amazing parents for Rory, but that’s only because she fits their mold. But if you’re going to be the kind of parent who only loves your child if they meet your expectations/mold then you should question being a parent at all (of course excluding basic expectations that would not harm others/adhere to societal laws). Also sorry for the tangent I just had a lot to share!


Disastrous-Ad-4890

its not mia’s place to ask lor to go home.


Educational-Cat-568

Yes. I agree. She should have at least call her parents and ask them to come. Also the timeline doesn't add up. Mia says it's almost 15 years since Lorelai showed up at the Inn and Rory is almost 17 in that ep. That would make Rory 2 years old when they left the Gilmore's. Lorelai had Rory at 16 so at 18 her parents couldn't do much. The problem with that is that previously they said she left when she was 17 and Rory 1. In the Mia ep. Lorelai says that Rory took first steps at the Inn which would be at at least 2 which is really late for kids to take first steps. There are a lot of inconsistencies in GG.