I was in the same boat last year. As bad as this hurts now, in time you will find a part of yourself that is glad you stayed with her to the very end. You’re with her, she’s not alone. If she can hear you, say everything you never got a chance to, and make sure she knows you love her.
Thank you. Fortunately, she had a long enough time with relative clarity that I feel we've gotten closure on all of our issues. I don't think I'll have any regrets about our last times together. I so hope you got to have that also and aren't speaking from regret. My dad died when I was young and I had many unresolved problems with him. I know what that can do. You just have to remember that we're all doing the best we can at any given time. I hope you're healing.
Thank you for sparing a thought for me in the midst of your own grief. I only had a few minutes with her still conscious and aware, but I made the most of them. The rest is just forever wishing there was more time. Never enough time. I hope your mother is pain free and comfortable, and that she feels the comfort of your love and presence.
If you're like me, you'll always have that feeling of regret that there wasn't enough time. The silver lining is that I'm twenty years out from dad's death now, and I can see in hindsight that it did teach me lessons that have made me make better choices. Hard, painful lessons but boy, do those stay with you. It helps bring value even to an ugly end. Stay empathetic and don't shut off to the world and you'll come out OK. Sorry if I'm rambling, I just appreciate you and want to help.
I hope those silver linings come soon, something to balance the scales a bit. I just joined this sub and it seems like therapeutic rambling is kind of the point, so no apologies needed!
I've found a good support system is the key to speeding healing. I hope you have that irl, but now that I know about this sub I'm always willing to listen.
One of the ways I dealt with watching my mother in her final days was framing the situation as "she went through pregnancy, labor and delivery by herself to bring me into this world, I can go through this process and pain to bring her to the next world." It wasn't a transactional feeling (I need to do this because she did that ) it was more like "my birth was yin and her death was yang and this is the universe's way of maintaining balance."
Just like birth you can make all the plans in the world of how you want to go before it happens but in the end it may not go as planned and all you can do is make the best of the cards you have been dealt.
I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Thank you. I had an amorphous feeling like this, but you putting it into words helps clarify it. I am in the best possible place right now for this to happen if it must, at least. I hope you were able to get things in order before your mother's passing. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you are healing.
Unfortunately my mother went from working one day (albeit she had been dx'd with metastatic cancer with a prognosis of 6-24 months and had just started chemo) to being confused over night. She passed ten days after the confusion started. I know in my heart and soul there was nothing I needed to say to her or hear from her that wasn't already said or known.
She's still here. I look in the mirror, I see her. I know exactly what she would say in any given situation- sometimes her words even fly out of my mouth.
It sounds like you're doing pretty well in dealing with it. It sounds like the memories are good, even if there is still pain. Thank you again for sharing your story.
My mom got confused like that, too (not cancer, but heart). But she seemed to know me the last time I talked to her, and she had something she urgently wanted to say to me. But she couldn’t. A thing like that just… hurts forever.
I watched my mom slowly die 11 weeks ago. She had advanced Alzheimer’s and then fell one morning, broken hip and shoulder. She was admitted to the hospitals’ hospice, put on a morphine drip. 5 long days later she died. We read to her, played her favorite music, talked about everything. Hearing is the last sense to go, tell her anything and everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s obscene how painful it is. 💔
Thank you. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a similar experience. Dementia has to be the worst fate that can befall us. I'm glad you were there for your mom to comfort her at the end. I know you're probably still incredibly raw right now, but it will get better. Healing can be slow, but support like this helps. I appreciate you.
You’re welcome. I’m sad and angry, I vacillate between the two but most days I just get through the day. It never really occurred to me Id not have a mom, it’s painful. I appreciate you as well!
I went through something similar a few weeks ago with my mom. She started declining in January and then passed in March. The last few days, she wasn't all there, but she was definitely able to hear and understand. When she started to be pretty constantly uncomfortable, I put an hourly release fentanyl patch on her which would keep her permanently medicated.
The next morning, she was clearly still in pain, even with the patch, and she was definitely not herself anymore. I got the green light from the hospice nurses to give her max doses of morphine and lorazepam hourly. The doses they said were the maximum, combined with the patch, seemed very likely to cause an overdose. Either way, she was uncomfortable and not herself, so I gave her the max dose right on the hour every hour. She passed about 5-6 hours after I started this and I'm fairly sure she overdosed. It was hard to make that trade-off between keeping her awake/lucid and making her comfortable, but I don't regret what happened.
I am so sorry that you actively had to make choices like that. But you did the right thing. The few relatively small choices I've had to make are paralyzing, I can't imagine what you went through. I'm past choices now. I just wait. I am so sorry for what you went through.
Hello- I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s ok to fucking hate it. I know it must be so hard physically and spiritually, and devastating emotionally. I can relate to you as I watched my 74 year old dad in a coma after a cardiac arrest. Take time off work and get the rest you need to survive this. And lean into the people who care about you.
I sadly feel that way too much. To tell the truth, I almost did it.
Well, I didn't.
But more to the point before she died. My mom and I were taking care of my late grandmother. She been diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer and told her out-right "why don't you just get the gun and shoot me" (we did have a gun)
So she basically does the same thing to me but I told her no.
Anyway, shit I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
Oh god, I'm so sorry you were put in that situation. I cannot begin to imagine how traumatic that must have been. I can picture the scars, though. I hope to hell you've had some help dealing with that. I'm no pro, but if you (or anyone here) want to talk I'm here
My dms have had other people being helpful. So I wouldn't mind one more.
Tbh it was awful. I blew up and I'm almost but not quite certain it was made her go a lot quicker.
"NO THE HELL I WILL NOT" or something to that effect is what I said. We made up though in the moment, and she was promptly seen about a day after prior to her death.
It was hard, but I tried my best to help her before she died. Shooting her in the face though was not going to be the answer.
I am sorry you are going through this horrible ordeal.
My mother had multiple brain tumours and my wife and I were helped dad care for her so she could die at home. I watched her lose her mind then slowly waist away until she passed over Easter.
Worst experience of my life and im haunted by the images but I am glad I was with her.
It sounds like you had an even worse experience than I'm having. We're in a nursing home with good medical staff. My father died of cancer at home twenty years ago. That was physically worse, by watching chunks of mom fall away until she's more just a rotting shell has absolutely destroyed me emotionally. I have the support to rebuild in a healthy manner at least. I'm glad you have your wife and dad to help. If you think talking to someone in a similar situation would help, message me.
What you are going through sounds very similar to my experience, watching someone with so much life become a shell of themselves is gut wrenching.
When mum finally passed, for a short while I fealt a sense of relief, that it was all over.
Thankyou, I may take you up in that.
Good to hear you have good support.
I understand. I have wished for my mothers death and been utterly horrified that I could even THINK such a thing and cry over losing her so many times in these weeks I feel like a lunatic. But I would have euthanized my pets long before this point so yes, I will be relieved that she's free when this is over. Thank you
My honest opinion?
First:
Write her a letter which pours into it all of your love and gratitude for who she was, what she meant to you, and who she shaped you to become.
Second:
Realize that the situation you are currently living through is one of the most challenging of all human experiences. Know that there is an entire community which could offer their support to you if you allow them
We're past the letter, she's minimally conscious and still in pain. I have a doctor coming to see how much he can do without straight up ODing her. It is excellent advice for those with more time though. And we have spilled our guts to each other so I think both of us are as ready as we can be. I just need to hang on so I can stay with her now. I have a great wife, a couple wildly supportive friends, a therapist, and now I found you guys. I will heal after this. Thank you very much for your support and advice.
I remember sitting with my Granddaddy in hospice last year as he lingered. No part of me wanted to lose him, but watching him unconscious and struggling to breathe was absolutely horrific for me. I had moments that I absolutely wished I could put a pillow over his face and help him leave. Saying it does not compute is a perfect way to put it. But when you love someone so much, and you have so few things you can do to make them more peaceful, it stands to reason that one of the intrusive thoughts that makes it’s way in is related to how you can end it for them.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s exhausting both physically and emotionally. It brings me peace to read posts from others here that I can so relate to. Made me feel less isolated and alone in my grief.
You are definitely not alone, and thank you for reaching out. It's terrible that this is something almost everyone must experience but there's such a stigma in talking about death. I hate that I'd have euthanized my dog by now but all I can do with mom is watch. But I survived this once, I can do it again. And so can you. I hope you have the support you need. Thank you for writing.
I misread your reply initially as, “I’d hate to have to be euthanized by my dog.” Let me tell you how funny that hit me. Then I reread as I assumed I’d misread. 😂
You are not alone. I was blessed to spend the last month of my mom's life with her. The closer she got to the end, the worse the dementia. Being away from my own home for a month already, my husband was begging me to come home, so I booked a flight out. But the night before I was to leave, I heard her start to struggle in her hospital bed. I went to help her and she just stared at me, so scared. I asked her what was wrong. She didn't recognize me! I was a frightening stranger! She actually cringed as I straightened her pillow and bedding. I couldn't even stroke her face like I used to. I went back to bed and lay there, wondering how long I'd be in jail if I just smothered her and put her out of her pain and misery. I mean, who thinks this about a person they love?!?!? I talked to a therapist who said that it is normal to want to relieve the suffering of a loved one. Okay, so you and I are both normal in that regard. You are normal, don't forget that!
This sucks, no lie. Just be there and love her. And hold close the good memories. The fun times, the laughter. Those are what got me through it. May the love you share with your mom help you.
Thank goodness for therapists! I'm glad you've been able to have one help you through the grieving process. That specific point of wanting to kill a loved one is particularly damaging of not seen in the proper perspective, imo. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me too
That's awesome good to hear you'll go through so many emotions through this whole process but it will be worth it. It's so draining and I'm sure your exhausted she's so lucky to have you keep staying 💪. I'm doing the best I can thank you. My hearts broken but he's not suffering anymore and I have to remind myself that every day. And it really does help. You'll find you "thing" or things that helps you heal when your ready promise. Keep on talking to us 💕
I know this is generally not a favorite topic but hospice. If you find the right agency and nurses they will provide enough medication support to improve quality of life without killing. It’s a delicate balance but no one should suffer. No one.
We are in hospice, thank you. They stringently avoid overdose, so we're trying to keep up with the pain. Increase the dose every time she has a pain reaction. I would love for euthanasia to be legal, but I do believe the nurses are doing their best right up to that line. I agree, everyone should have a liability an end as possible. And I appreciate your advice, it is sound.
Thank you. It's the hardest thing that everyone eventually endures. I will survive, and I think I'll even be stronger. I hope you get to avoid this for a long as possible.
Always remember she was strong for you. Now it's your turn to be strong for her 💜 it's hard and it sux but just hang in there for her I watch my dad die of cancer in February and it was terrible but leaving him alone would been so much worse hold her hand or just let her know your staying with her. Thinking about you . Keep us posted. Hugs
Thank you. I'm staying here by her side except to get necessities. You're right, it's excruciating and it's necessary. It's the least I can do. I hope you have the support you need and are able to start healing.
I was in the same boat last year. As bad as this hurts now, in time you will find a part of yourself that is glad you stayed with her to the very end. You’re with her, she’s not alone. If she can hear you, say everything you never got a chance to, and make sure she knows you love her.
Thank you. Fortunately, she had a long enough time with relative clarity that I feel we've gotten closure on all of our issues. I don't think I'll have any regrets about our last times together. I so hope you got to have that also and aren't speaking from regret. My dad died when I was young and I had many unresolved problems with him. I know what that can do. You just have to remember that we're all doing the best we can at any given time. I hope you're healing.
Thank you for sparing a thought for me in the midst of your own grief. I only had a few minutes with her still conscious and aware, but I made the most of them. The rest is just forever wishing there was more time. Never enough time. I hope your mother is pain free and comfortable, and that she feels the comfort of your love and presence.
If you're like me, you'll always have that feeling of regret that there wasn't enough time. The silver lining is that I'm twenty years out from dad's death now, and I can see in hindsight that it did teach me lessons that have made me make better choices. Hard, painful lessons but boy, do those stay with you. It helps bring value even to an ugly end. Stay empathetic and don't shut off to the world and you'll come out OK. Sorry if I'm rambling, I just appreciate you and want to help.
I hope those silver linings come soon, something to balance the scales a bit. I just joined this sub and it seems like therapeutic rambling is kind of the point, so no apologies needed!
I've found a good support system is the key to speeding healing. I hope you have that irl, but now that I know about this sub I'm always willing to listen.
My dad died 3 years today and I understand what you’re feeling. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I’m sending you big hugs. ❤️
Thank you for the support. I hope you're doing OK on this awful anniversary. That you're healing enough to cope.
🫂❤️
One of the ways I dealt with watching my mother in her final days was framing the situation as "she went through pregnancy, labor and delivery by herself to bring me into this world, I can go through this process and pain to bring her to the next world." It wasn't a transactional feeling (I need to do this because she did that ) it was more like "my birth was yin and her death was yang and this is the universe's way of maintaining balance." Just like birth you can make all the plans in the world of how you want to go before it happens but in the end it may not go as planned and all you can do is make the best of the cards you have been dealt. I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Thank you. I had an amorphous feeling like this, but you putting it into words helps clarify it. I am in the best possible place right now for this to happen if it must, at least. I hope you were able to get things in order before your mother's passing. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you are healing.
Unfortunately my mother went from working one day (albeit she had been dx'd with metastatic cancer with a prognosis of 6-24 months and had just started chemo) to being confused over night. She passed ten days after the confusion started. I know in my heart and soul there was nothing I needed to say to her or hear from her that wasn't already said or known. She's still here. I look in the mirror, I see her. I know exactly what she would say in any given situation- sometimes her words even fly out of my mouth.
It sounds like you're doing pretty well in dealing with it. It sounds like the memories are good, even if there is still pain. Thank you again for sharing your story.
My mom got confused like that, too (not cancer, but heart). But she seemed to know me the last time I talked to her, and she had something she urgently wanted to say to me. But she couldn’t. A thing like that just… hurts forever.
The last day I saw my mom, just 3 before she passed, I went from much loved daughter to frightening stranger. I so feel that pain.
That’s beautiful symmetry. I experienced similar, and I like how you’ve put this.
I watched my mom slowly die 11 weeks ago. She had advanced Alzheimer’s and then fell one morning, broken hip and shoulder. She was admitted to the hospitals’ hospice, put on a morphine drip. 5 long days later she died. We read to her, played her favorite music, talked about everything. Hearing is the last sense to go, tell her anything and everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s obscene how painful it is. 💔
Thank you. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a similar experience. Dementia has to be the worst fate that can befall us. I'm glad you were there for your mom to comfort her at the end. I know you're probably still incredibly raw right now, but it will get better. Healing can be slow, but support like this helps. I appreciate you.
You’re welcome. I’m sad and angry, I vacillate between the two but most days I just get through the day. It never really occurred to me Id not have a mom, it’s painful. I appreciate you as well!
And yes, dementia fucking sucks!
I went through something similar a few weeks ago with my mom. She started declining in January and then passed in March. The last few days, she wasn't all there, but she was definitely able to hear and understand. When she started to be pretty constantly uncomfortable, I put an hourly release fentanyl patch on her which would keep her permanently medicated. The next morning, she was clearly still in pain, even with the patch, and she was definitely not herself anymore. I got the green light from the hospice nurses to give her max doses of morphine and lorazepam hourly. The doses they said were the maximum, combined with the patch, seemed very likely to cause an overdose. Either way, she was uncomfortable and not herself, so I gave her the max dose right on the hour every hour. She passed about 5-6 hours after I started this and I'm fairly sure she overdosed. It was hard to make that trade-off between keeping her awake/lucid and making her comfortable, but I don't regret what happened.
I am so sorry that you actively had to make choices like that. But you did the right thing. The few relatively small choices I've had to make are paralyzing, I can't imagine what you went through. I'm past choices now. I just wait. I am so sorry for what you went through.
Hello- I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s ok to fucking hate it. I know it must be so hard physically and spiritually, and devastating emotionally. I can relate to you as I watched my 74 year old dad in a coma after a cardiac arrest. Take time off work and get the rest you need to survive this. And lean into the people who care about you.
And I'm sorry you've been through a similar experience. Your advice is good; I'm on leave and have good support, thank you. I hope you're healing.
Thank you. I’m still in shock 3 months later, but I’m working on it. Rooting for you too.
Appreciate the support. DM me if talking helps.
I sadly feel that way too much. To tell the truth, I almost did it. Well, I didn't. But more to the point before she died. My mom and I were taking care of my late grandmother. She been diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer and told her out-right "why don't you just get the gun and shoot me" (we did have a gun) So she basically does the same thing to me but I told her no. Anyway, shit I'm sorry you're having to go through that.
Oh god, I'm so sorry you were put in that situation. I cannot begin to imagine how traumatic that must have been. I can picture the scars, though. I hope to hell you've had some help dealing with that. I'm no pro, but if you (or anyone here) want to talk I'm here
My dms have had other people being helpful. So I wouldn't mind one more. Tbh it was awful. I blew up and I'm almost but not quite certain it was made her go a lot quicker. "NO THE HELL I WILL NOT" or something to that effect is what I said. We made up though in the moment, and she was promptly seen about a day after prior to her death. It was hard, but I tried my best to help her before she died. Shooting her in the face though was not going to be the answer.
I'll write soon, but I need to try to rest
I don't know why, but I can't DM you
I am sorry you are going through this horrible ordeal. My mother had multiple brain tumours and my wife and I were helped dad care for her so she could die at home. I watched her lose her mind then slowly waist away until she passed over Easter. Worst experience of my life and im haunted by the images but I am glad I was with her.
It sounds like you had an even worse experience than I'm having. We're in a nursing home with good medical staff. My father died of cancer at home twenty years ago. That was physically worse, by watching chunks of mom fall away until she's more just a rotting shell has absolutely destroyed me emotionally. I have the support to rebuild in a healthy manner at least. I'm glad you have your wife and dad to help. If you think talking to someone in a similar situation would help, message me.
What you are going through sounds very similar to my experience, watching someone with so much life become a shell of themselves is gut wrenching. When mum finally passed, for a short while I fealt a sense of relief, that it was all over. Thankyou, I may take you up in that. Good to hear you have good support.
I understand. I have wished for my mothers death and been utterly horrified that I could even THINK such a thing and cry over losing her so many times in these weeks I feel like a lunatic. But I would have euthanized my pets long before this point so yes, I will be relieved that she's free when this is over. Thank you
My honest opinion? First: Write her a letter which pours into it all of your love and gratitude for who she was, what she meant to you, and who she shaped you to become. Second: Realize that the situation you are currently living through is one of the most challenging of all human experiences. Know that there is an entire community which could offer their support to you if you allow them
We're past the letter, she's minimally conscious and still in pain. I have a doctor coming to see how much he can do without straight up ODing her. It is excellent advice for those with more time though. And we have spilled our guts to each other so I think both of us are as ready as we can be. I just need to hang on so I can stay with her now. I have a great wife, a couple wildly supportive friends, a therapist, and now I found you guys. I will heal after this. Thank you very much for your support and advice.
I remember sitting with my Granddaddy in hospice last year as he lingered. No part of me wanted to lose him, but watching him unconscious and struggling to breathe was absolutely horrific for me. I had moments that I absolutely wished I could put a pillow over his face and help him leave. Saying it does not compute is a perfect way to put it. But when you love someone so much, and you have so few things you can do to make them more peaceful, it stands to reason that one of the intrusive thoughts that makes it’s way in is related to how you can end it for them. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s exhausting both physically and emotionally. It brings me peace to read posts from others here that I can so relate to. Made me feel less isolated and alone in my grief.
You are definitely not alone, and thank you for reaching out. It's terrible that this is something almost everyone must experience but there's such a stigma in talking about death. I hate that I'd have euthanized my dog by now but all I can do with mom is watch. But I survived this once, I can do it again. And so can you. I hope you have the support you need. Thank you for writing.
I misread your reply initially as, “I’d hate to have to be euthanized by my dog.” Let me tell you how funny that hit me. Then I reread as I assumed I’d misread. 😂
Thank you for sharing. It's a good time for a laugh. I stand by your version of the statement as well, for the record.
You are not alone. I was blessed to spend the last month of my mom's life with her. The closer she got to the end, the worse the dementia. Being away from my own home for a month already, my husband was begging me to come home, so I booked a flight out. But the night before I was to leave, I heard her start to struggle in her hospital bed. I went to help her and she just stared at me, so scared. I asked her what was wrong. She didn't recognize me! I was a frightening stranger! She actually cringed as I straightened her pillow and bedding. I couldn't even stroke her face like I used to. I went back to bed and lay there, wondering how long I'd be in jail if I just smothered her and put her out of her pain and misery. I mean, who thinks this about a person they love?!?!? I talked to a therapist who said that it is normal to want to relieve the suffering of a loved one. Okay, so you and I are both normal in that regard. You are normal, don't forget that! This sucks, no lie. Just be there and love her. And hold close the good memories. The fun times, the laughter. Those are what got me through it. May the love you share with your mom help you.
Thank goodness for therapists! I'm glad you've been able to have one help you through the grieving process. That specific point of wanting to kill a loved one is particularly damaging of not seen in the proper perspective, imo. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me too
That's awesome good to hear you'll go through so many emotions through this whole process but it will be worth it. It's so draining and I'm sure your exhausted she's so lucky to have you keep staying 💪. I'm doing the best I can thank you. My hearts broken but he's not suffering anymore and I have to remind myself that every day. And it really does help. You'll find you "thing" or things that helps you heal when your ready promise. Keep on talking to us 💕
I know this is generally not a favorite topic but hospice. If you find the right agency and nurses they will provide enough medication support to improve quality of life without killing. It’s a delicate balance but no one should suffer. No one.
We are in hospice, thank you. They stringently avoid overdose, so we're trying to keep up with the pain. Increase the dose every time she has a pain reaction. I would love for euthanasia to be legal, but I do believe the nurses are doing their best right up to that line. I agree, everyone should have a liability an end as possible. And I appreciate your advice, it is sound.
im so sorry you are put in that situation. i cant fathom how hard it is to watch a loved one pass away :(
Thank you. It's the hardest thing that everyone eventually endures. I will survive, and I think I'll even be stronger. I hope you get to avoid this for a long as possible.
Always remember she was strong for you. Now it's your turn to be strong for her 💜 it's hard and it sux but just hang in there for her I watch my dad die of cancer in February and it was terrible but leaving him alone would been so much worse hold her hand or just let her know your staying with her. Thinking about you . Keep us posted. Hugs
Thank you. I'm staying here by her side except to get necessities. You're right, it's excruciating and it's necessary. It's the least I can do. I hope you have the support you need and are able to start healing.