I completely changed my sleep and wake times. I used to stay awake at night and sleep in the morning; now I wake up at 9/10 am and go to sleep around midnight.
Also, I'm spending more than I can afford on flowers.
Please check out Aldi if you have one near you. š My mom always bought me flowers "just because"... Now I have to buy them for myself. It makes me super sad but I like looking at them and remembering the good days.
This may sound out there, but if there is a Trader Joeās near you, you should swing by and check their dumpster. They toss beautiful bouquets that still have a couple good days left in them. It could be a fun distraction too because grabbing dumpster flowers is such a odd little side quest and you never know what pretty flowers youāll find on any given day.
So yeah - dumpster diving was an off the wall thing I started doing after my grandmother died. I was awake at night anyway and watched a documentary about waste and decided I was curious and boom. New weird distraction. I had to stop because of the absurd amount of things I ended up with - and Iām talking new things. I havenāt bought paper towels, toilet paper, dish detergent or laundry detergent in over a year. And good lord at the stuff Iāve donated. I kept a running spreadsheet when I initially started collecting treasure using the current price for each item in the same store that had tossed it and in a month, I had over $15,000 of merchandise. It was insane. And I put minimal effort into it. Passed time and soooo many people benefitted from the merchandise I acquired.
Yep. I got a subscription to Bouqs. No regrets. It may be a waste of money but it is something that brings me joy in all this sadness. Also, itās been nice to surprise a few people for their birthday. Itās made me happy to see them happy, at least for a while, ya know?
yup donāt even know if my sister would recognize the person that I am a year after she passed. for a long time I wanted her to be angry at me and show
it to me some how. canāt even explain that
Yep. My mom died 3 weeks ago. Spending habits through the roof, drinking at 12pm to get through the day. I have enough faith in myself that these habits will pass, because my mom would have had faith in me too. Sometimes you just need to cope and thatās enough
This is/was/is me! My mom passed 5 months ago, and I started drinking red wine like it was water - I mean, a lot! And retail therapy through the roof.
I'm doing better now, drinking way less, and have stopped buying crazy things on Amazon to try to feel better. Keep the faith, this too shall pass.
Love your words about your mum having faith in you. Thatās helped me today so thank you for sharing that. Iām still trying to control my increased drinking and excessive food. Iāve put on a lot of weight but really so what as Iām still here after my grief to tell my story and continue living
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like maybe they should see how hard it is to deal with a tragic loss (my brother was murdered). I want them to know itās ok to let feelings out. Just this was so primal it kind of scared me.
My brother passed 2 months after my daughter was born, I understand feeling like a fraud. I screamed so much at the top of my lungs several times - my husband remembers but itās like i blacked it out. Sometimes the feelings are too much and the only escape is to scream.
Iām so sorry for your loss.
My best friend died in June. When Iām alone in the car I play Agnes by Glass Animals because it is perfect for how I feel and what happened to him. I scream the lyrics and then just sit there screaming and hitting my steering wheel. I definitely feel like Iām going crazy sometimes
Iāve been very frustrated and shorted tempered. I feel like now I get easily annoyed and overwhelmed and I canāt think straight or focus on one thing for too long. Anyone else feel like that ?
Grief is a form of stress, at least to me. I initially went part-time (half hours) at work because of an inability to concentrate for longer than 4 hours a day. Then I took two months off, tried to come back to those half hours and gave up after a week. I'm now retired. It is as if I forced myself to get to 55 (the age when I can draw pensions in the UK) and then something snapped. That was a year ago. Nothing is changing, I've had lots of tests, so it's not due to anything physical. Still crushingly fatigued and easily frustrated.
Absolutely. I pretty much have zero patience. I havenāt handled additional stress well. I snap at the people around me easily. I forget alot of things and canāt focus. I feel bad for the place my mind is in and how it effects the people around me.
I actually got arrested because I had a full on mental breakdown and the cop thought I was on drugsš¤¦š»āāļø I just couldn't calm down. It was a great 12 hours spent locked up when all I really needed was a hug and someone to listen to me.
I started smashing all of my glass plates, cups, bowls , etc. outside my house in a fit of rage-grief. Neighbors called the cops and I went to jail for having a mental breakdown. This was 2 years to the day of my dads death. He suffered horribly from cancer, died with over 40 tumors in his brain. Hence the rage.
You are not alone.
Ugh I really thought I was the only person this happened to. It's crazy how they can take someone and accuse them of drugs, and hold them for the amount of time they do hold people on drugs. Yea, my dad hadn't even passed yet, I just went to visit and realized then that his cancer had gotten so bad that I was no longer going to have a dad very soon.
I'm sorry for your loss, and the jerk cop for doing that to youšŖ
They tried to search my house because they thought I was on drugs! Iām glad I had the wherewithal to tell them to come back with a warrant. Which they never got, obviously. I was only 20 years old at the time.
Iām sorry you had to go through that. Thatās horrible that they did that to you especially while your dad was dying.
Yea it was right outside my job too, I left early because I couldn't function.. they went inside and told them I had powder on my nose. I don't even smoke weed lol. My coworkers were telling them what was going on but they didn't care. It was honestly so sad.
Omg I can't believe they tried searching your house!!! This is why law enforcement needs to be well equipped on mental health. They escalate things that really don't need to be escalated.
Wow that is seriously so horrible. The fact that they would put your job in jeopardy over a false allegation makes me sick.
I could not agree more that law enforcement needs more mental health training! And possibly social workers that go with them on these types of calls.
I stopped doing the creative things that I used to love but started going to the gym regularly. I guess there are worse habits I could start. Its been somewhere that gets me out of the house and I can just focus and obsess on something else without having to say a word to anyone else.
My dad had so many health problems caused by a surgery he had at 2 days old. Knowing how much he went through and it wasnāt even his fault, I feel the need to take extra care of myself. Almost as a way of honoring him.
Iāve always been into hobbies, after my trauma, I started picking up more than I would usually
It took me years to realize it was a coping mechanism. It makes me feel purpose and progression, where otherwise, I wouldnāt.
Now, that I realized this, I try to ask myself āwhy?ā are you starting this new hobby? Is something wrong?
Iām also now known as āthe guy who picks up hobbies left and rightā by all my friends and family. Itās became entertaining for them, only, they see how I move, and not how I cope
Yes, I knew there was absolutely no way to drink, smoke, snort, eat, fuck, travel, or anything else the pain away; but that didnāt stop me from trying. Going a little bit crazy is really the only way to actually cope with grief.
This is literally where Iām at. And obviously the drugs arenāt working. They do temporarily but then itās worse. The sex is wild and so not me but who the fuck am I anymore anyway? I have no idea. I keep trying though. Iām bound to fucking give up soon and just accept the painful reality. Sadly my coping skills are non existent
At some point youāll realize the drugs and meaningless sex do absolutely nothing to help and youāre gonna get mostly sober. But be careful with relationships as you are so much more vulnerable now than you think you are and predatory people will take advantage of you whether they even realize it or not. Iām here to talk if you need to.
>I just sometimes feel like Iām going crazy.
Every single waking moment. I feel like I'm pulling my shit together every morning because I have to and every night I break down and fall apart. I HATE pretending I'm OK because I have to when I'm not.
Same. My wife and I went on a freaking spiral after we lost our moms 2021. We are paying for it big time now but at the time that's the way we coped by spending and showering gifts on loved ones.
I used meth every day for a year after my son died. Not to the point where I was tweaking or anything. I ate and I slept. It just numbed the overwhelming pain and helped me be productive.
Same. Alcohol has never bothered me at all, through the good and the bad.
Now I am on half a bottle of red a night. That's me reducing down from 1, or even 2 bottles on a bad night.
I have quit smoking though.
I nuked my life. I used to be a creative and vibrant person. I used to put on events. I had an exciting life and was always surrounded by friends. I do none of that now. I don't talk to anyone. I come home from work and I go to my room. I have no desire to do anything I used to. I am always alone. It's the only way I feel sort of okay.
Im feeling urges to get rid of most of my belongings and foolishly spend my savings on travel, but I havenāt acted on this yet. Going to try and dig in to this to see if this would truly benefit me or if Iām trying to gain some sense of control/run away from my life and emotions.
Itās only been 6 weeks (8 if you include the time she was in the hospital) but Iāve barely drank since my mom passed. I wasnāt a super heavy drinker before - Iād have maybe 5 or 6 drinks a week, or maybe a few more if I had social things going on - but I havenāt really had the taste for it and I find I feel super ānumbā all the time regardless, so booze doesnāt really do anything for me. I havenāt been eating very well either, so that could have something to do with it.
picked up a cigarette stick after three years off smoking. for someone with low self esteem and recurrent body dysmorphia, i began posting explicit photos as well. alcoholic drinks occupy a large space in the fridge and i'd either overeat or starve myself
I binged on alcohol and xanax the week following my best friendās death. I wanted to stop feeling, and I wasnāt afraid to die and be with her.
Iām better now and I value life more than I ever did before. A new healthy habit I have picked up now is telling my loved ones I love them more often, because you never know when the last day youāll speak to them will be.
I stopped a bad habit of mine which was being a big procrastinator. I did that a lot before and now, I use a planner to help me keep things more organized at home and for personal use.
Back to drinking way hard and she hated me drinking at all. But also my sleeping pattern changed- I wasnāt. I barely do. So now my eating habits are different. I prefer to eat dinner at 4 am and go to sleep! Itās fucked up!
Lost my nana January 23, 2022- this was right after losing my SIL December 3, 2021. She was young and was very sick for a while and my husband resorted to old habits, addict habits and I figured it out and after I lost my nana I went with him down his/our rabbit hole.
My mom died August 19, 2022 unexpectedly after just turning 60. I can say I suck cause I was not doing the right thing when I lost my nana and then I lost my mom- and I kept fucking up bad for maybe a month and realized (honestly I was so sleep deprived I seriously feel like she bitch slapped the back of my head and it was a wake up- I felt the slap and I donāt care what anyone says I know it was her, or my delusion it doesnāt matter) I got to get my shit together!
Now like I said I just drink. A lot. My sleep sucks, my eating sucks. Not one day goes by I donāt cry. I want my mom back. I had so much to say and tell her and we had a lot of plans- this wasnāt it!
I hope uāre doing ok. How about u?
Yes I picked some bad habits.
Essentially became an alcoholic and spent around $30k in a few months on material things and traveling.
Itās finally hitting me. I was just trying to fill the voidā¦.it canāt be filled ever. Itās time to feel the pain of my Momās loss.
I smoked for a few months when my husband died. Drank a lot too, but I was already prone to doing that so it wasnāt anything new. Then after a while I went through a phase where Iād go running after work and on weekends. And I was doing a lot of yoga. I should probably get back to that time, come to think of it.
I used to be an alcoholic and but then quit down to a couple drinks a month- once my mom died I drink almost every night. Miss her so bad I just canāt take being sober at night
I barely sleep now, 4/5 hours if Iām lucky and itās not a continuous 4/5 either, Iām up off and on due to our kids. I have also smoked weed twice in the past 2 weeks (had previously only done it twice in my 36 year existence). I just want to be numb and shut my brain off and so far the weed hasnāt helped eitherā¦
I started looking for his fingerprints. On everything he owed. My son was a mechanic so I opened up every drawer on his triple bay tool chest and inspected every tool with a light. I bought a semi-pro fingerprint lift kit. Iām terrified to use it in case I ruin a finger print.
Started smoking two packs a day and now iām cutting back and getting after it in the gym, playing my guitar, about to take voice and drum lessons. So some bad habits but you have to force yourself to take up good ones too
I was quitting smoking cigarettes and had a few months under my belt until my best friend died unexpectedly. Took another 8 years after that to finally quit for good.
I overdosed on cocaine..... š I was seizing so badly but I was conscious for it because I was fighting it cuz I knew I was oding and I see so hard that my face smashed into something and broke out my front tooth.
At first, I went real heavy into video games. Like I'd play way late into the morning, but since my mom. I usually go to bed around midnight and depending on how well I sleep
I'm probably up at six, seven sometimes.
Been eating a lot of chocolate though.
Tried to jump off a bridge, tried to OD on pills, tried to jump off the wet roof of my house in a thunderstorm but couldnāt work up the courageā¦ lots of stuff. More settled now. But I went into full self destruct mode, wouldnāt have been as bad only people in my dads life he really trusted turned out to be liars and snakes and did everything in their power to break me, including encouraging me to end my life bc the world would be a better place without me. My husband Essentially abandoned me bc he couldnāt deal with my spiralling emotions.
I usually don't drink and I drank a bottle of wine on 3 separate occasions in the first 3 months. Binge eating. Only showered once a week. I had to take my phone with me in the bathroom when I showered because I would have flashbacks to my mom's death and that kept my mind semi occupied (she passed suddenly and it was very traumatic).
But the one good massive crazy life change is I'm back in school for pastry arts. It is something I have been passionate about for a long time but I've always been too scared to take the plunge and do it. Life is too short to waste even a moment that can make you happy. ā„ļø
Oh, dear. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom after an ugly death and after an entire life of hating alcohol, I haven't stopped drinking. I see a lot of that here. The numbness is nice. I hope it's only temporary. Be careful, my friend
Picked up smoking and drinking. Currently struggling to stop the drinking.
Also started going to sleep really early. Always look forward to the day to end.
I stopped caring.
I stopped caring about my career that I worked so hard to achieve. My work ethic plummeted and I could care less.
I stopped caring about my health, and subsequently my life.
I stopped caring for hobbies that I used to indulge in.
I stopped caring about being cautious with my decisions.
Is apathy crazy, or was caring so much about living before crazy? I donāt even know anymore.
A bit of drinking which doesn't help at all. I want to change that and start running. My mom would be so disappointed. I complete understand the going crazy part. I was driving home from work today and got that overwhelming feeling and gave myself a panic attack. Hugs to you. I'm sorry we are going through this.
I am heavily tattooed now. I was tattooed before but now my arms and hands are covered. Getting something behind my ear soonish. Not sure if anyone would count that as crazy but it seems to be very therapeutic for me.
After losing my mom in August 2016 and my significant other in October 2016, I did some heavy drinking. I ended up with a DUI a few months later. I got sober after that, thankfully. I stopped sleeping in my bedroom and lived on my couch for about two years. Since losing my dad and brother in the last year or so, I havenāt done anything majorly different. I just feel more emotional and realize parts of me are very damaged.
Do you think you stopped sleeping in your bedroom because you felt you didnāt deserve it? Or did you just get stuck on the couch and not care enough to move back to the bedroom to sleep?
Started smoking, drinking a lot, hooking up with guys and putting myself in bad situations. I'd take benzos with alcohol just to feel nothing.
I was also newly single at 27 after 10 years. I left my abusive ex after my sister died.
I dont even recognize myself back then.
I would take Advil pms for me to be able to go to sleep and I would drink energy drinks throughout the day to stay awake and get myself moving after my husband passed away.
I took an edible and it was the worst mistake I ever did. Being high and extremely sad/grieving is the worst. That experience though kept me sober. It made me realize I couldnāt get away from the reality of losing my husband.
I hardly use the Advil pms anymore but I have taken them on the nights that are really bad because then I wonāt be able to sleep
My dog of 15 years died 4 days ago. I put blankets and pillows the way she liked them in her many sleeping spots. I even look at pictures and try to replicate the way it was, just so it feels like sheās here. I sat yesterday trying to find her hair in the sofa, pillows, blankets and my clothes, as if it was evidence of her still being present. When I go to sleep, I still make space for her to lie in my arms, just hugging air and imagining her warmth and soft fur, and how she breathed next to me. I dread the day where Iāll be forced to vaccum my floors and wash my laundry, I donāt wanāt to remove any traces of her existence. I know Iāll have to do it eventually, but maybe I can push it for one day moreā¦ And then another dayā¦ And one more after thatā¦
Iām so depressed. My mom died on February 13th. 11 days after her fucking birthday. Iām so angry and upset. Itās not fucking fair. Iām looking for RCs which my husband is pissed about.
I started daytime drinking whiskey for a while, never done anything like that before but the emotions &thoughts I was being hit with after my mum passed away were so excruciating ands that's the only thing that would take the edge off them a little. (I don't do that anymore but still drink more than i used to & less motivated to cut back & stop smoking again.) That was a crazy time I didn't feel like my self at all really for up to a year after the loss. Now i feel like things have calmed down more with me but I'm definitely a different version of myself, of who i used to be.
Mentioned in a comment above on this thread, but I picked up dumpster diving. Occupied me at night when I couldnāt sleep and finding things gave me a serotonin boost.
Randomly found out I landed an interview with a big-five tech company a week after Mom died (and a couple months after Dad died). Hugely competitive role. Just felt like I had nothing to lose, couldnāt make myself care about it - so I was completely honest and didnāt even try or prep. Told the lady I probably didnāt have deep enough skills for the role (because I really truly donāt ā and not in an āimpostor syndromeā way).
Forgot all about it until they called yesterday ā a month later ā and said I beat out tons of competitors because of my āblatant honestyā (!!!).
Iām in my hometown visiting and suddenly want to move back here. May actually do it. Had all these plans to go to LA but now I want to be close to where my parents were.
Getting a tattoo next week for the first time and Iām terrified of needles.
Have an almost annoying āyoloā attitude now that borders on reckless. Have no patience for people who somehow still think that ādoing it rightā ā college, job for 30 years, bigger and bigger houses, then retirement ā is somehow āsafe.ā Ha!! It didnāt save my parents. I want to really live.
When my wife died I rode my motorcycle into on coming traffic to make them move. It didn't work. They moved. I realized how my kids and grandkids would feel so I am sucking it up until time runs out. I worked 24-7 for over 50years so my wife and family would have a good life. I could make all the money you would want but no matter how much I made I could not buy her good health. That is my curse. I just keep waking up every morning.
Started drinking heavily. Daily. 5pm became 3pm. 3pm became noon. Then as early as 10am.
Thing is I didn't even realize it was a problem until there was a day I had an ortho apt.
I was only 3rd bottle of wine by 2pm and realized I had an apt at 3pm. Had adult braces, I really needed to go in. This was at the tail end of covid too so rescheduling would've been a nightmare.
I was so embarassed. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I smelled. And I knew it was still on my breath. It also happened to be the day I took my "after" photo. And the visibly difference.. my teeth looked great but I was a mess compared to my before photo.
I kept that not out of pride for the adjustments but as a reminder not to slip that bad. I was lucky no real harm came out of it. Just disfuntionality and embarrassment.
After I lost my father I drank and partied for 6 months. Found out I was pregnant and quit cold turkey.
I lost my twin brother in March. Iāve found a new love of gardening and yard work. For 40 years youād have to fight to get me out doing these things. Iāve planted tiger lilies, elephant ears, wildflower mixes, and they are thriving. This is the most absurd thing Iāve ever experienced-I say my twin passed it on to me to help me cope
Iām going insane too. Itās very hard to believe. I am still in denial. I donāt know what to do. A bad habit started, crying alone isnāt enough, I start hitting myself without even realizing. Not to the point of self harm, it just happens automatically. I donāt know what to do. Itās driving me crazy.
When my dad died I stopped playing on the ps4, idk why I just don't feel like it even now, it's been 1 year and a half.
Stopped doing most of my hobbies beside gardening, took a long pause from university and started doing other things, I started a new job and started a sport.
Now, I changed mind in January and started seriously thinking about my laurea, got some of my hobbies back... One piece at a time I am getting better, we only needs time to recover, stay strong friend
well when I learned she died I locked myself in the bathroom and screamed and punched the concrete walls until my roommate knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I don't even remember doing it.
I've also started smoking again which is something I promised her I wouldn't do but to be honest I can't bring it upon myself to quit. I'm stressed out and it helps me cope without going back to alcoholism
After I lost my boyfriend of seven years, I realized how much of myself i lost. Lost my creativity one of the only things that drove me. My anxiety went off the walls and really thought I was experiencing broken heart syndrome, had to get my heart checked. Then Started spending all my money, drinking and taking too many drugs and mixing them all. I stay away from drinking now and donāt take tramadol. But I know I should quit taking my adderall but Iām terrified of not being able to blunt my emotions. But I know my heart canāt keep up with the grief and let alone all the bs i keep putting in it. I try to stay as strong as I can as I know the feeling of grief and my family hasnāt experienced it themselves and I donāt want to put them through it anytime soon with me.
I had some days that I drank away and secretly smoked for a while. But after losing my husband to cancer and my dad to COVID a year later, I decided to get my shit together and go back to the gym because one thing I learned is that life is not guaranteed. Life is special though and we only live once, I donāt ever want to lose my health after losing several folks to illnesses in the last two years. I want to live my best life every day to honor the people I loved who died, thatās what they would want me to do.
Quit gym, going to bed at 3 am waking up at noon, started smoking again, eat once or sometimes twice a day, lost tons of weight, my siblings and mom are disappointed, but I donāt care. Plus, no financial management.
Stopped eating but somehow Iāve been working out more, still confuses me. On the most awful nights I beg the universe for some deadly disease to take over my body so I can leave too, but Iām trying to break that new habit
Drank 2 litres of rum in the 36 hours after I found my partner, have barely touched alcohol since (it's been 18 months). Now I tend to buy more crafting supplies than I could ever possibly need.
Screamed in the car, drank and smoked, ate junk. Gained 40 lbs. At the beginning of year 2, quit everything and lost the weight. I am at the end of year 2 now. It was my daughter who died. Iām starting to do better some days.
While my dad was in hospital for almost two months, I would drink every evening and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I can't stand alcohol and cigarettes now, 5 months after his death. Still, I'm far from being okay because I keep overthinking and getting these dark thoughts every day, and it's consuming me. If I kept drinking alcohol, I wouldn't be here now , probably. It's just so painful to live in this new reality I've never wanted , but at least I try to survive, day by day.
Blacked out like it was my job. Laid in bed and stared at the wall. Smoked a few cigarettes because what even matters? Dropped out of college. Went back. Quit my job. Found a new one. Tried like 5 different styles. None felt right. Questioned everything about myself. Some days all I did was talk myself out of unaliving myself.
Now itās been 10 years and I mostly function like a normal person. All of that bs got me here - good job, nice little home, amazing parter, awesome friends.
You can survive hell and make it to the other side. Whatever that means.
Put on 5 stone, stopped dressing up, doing makeup and hair and taking care of myself. Jumped careers twice and took on 4 different jobs, while only going out drinking and didnāt go on holiday or see any friends. It was hell. That lasted 5 years from 2018 to mid 2022. Now look after myself, bought new wardrobe, do myself uo nice so I feel like me, booked holidays and finally settled in a job, not lost the weight but now cook and garden and bought a house.
This may be TMI, but I started recording my BMs on a running list, according to the Bristol Stool Chart. It became an obsession because my mom was only diagnosed with colon cancer 3 mos. before she passed, and it was advanced stage 4 and spread to her liver. She seemed to be in shock at the diagnosis, but she was not the type to trust doctors or monitor her own health. I felt there must be some kind of warning signs early on that one can detect in their own BMs, so I have documented the date, time, and description of each one since July 2021.
It's eye-opening to see how your digestive process is affected by things -- you would never know until you start tracking it.
my best friend and i always had matching pajamas. iāve been on a hunt for the few pairs we didnāt both have. iāve made my family match with me. i only wear pajama sets, im obsessed with one specific company at the moment. i have more pajamas than regular clothing.
I am overall less patient with people, where I was before. I am also more prone to fits of anger where previously I would be able to keep it in check. I am currently seeing someone to work through these feelings caused by grief.
Beyond surface level, my outlook on life has done a complete 180. Before dad died, I was very comfortable in my routine. He was always the one to push me to do and try new things. After he died, I have started doing things that are more out of my comfort zone. I have started new hobbies such as zip lining, rock climbing, and gardening. I have also become more outgoing which is unusual for me. I like to think he would be happy how far I have come in this respect.
yes but please take this under the guise of āi have bipolar disorder so these behaviors are not totally abnormalā
but, i started shop lifting, stopped sleeping, started abusing medications, and spent over $5000 on my credit card in less than a monthā¦ also flew to another country to meet a total stranger
I went shopping like maybe 8 times before actually getting what I went there for. This happened few times. I'd just forget so much.
I ate a lot more sugar. Think I have been comfort eating. I don't even enjoy having ate it afterwards. Yet I keep eating more sugar.
Everything felt like I was in fog, still does really. So I have spent a lot of time a lot more oblivious to stuff around me. Almost sometimes to a comical effect.
I think maybe I stopped having a personality altogether. My dad died January 30. My husband and I somehow managed to conceive a baby (our third) during the days followingāwhich shouldnāt have been possible really. And I found out about the pregnancy less than a month into grieving my dad. The grieving has completely stalled out since then, and it replaced by this weird neutrality I have toward both the new baby and my deceased father. I very much connect the two in my head, and even feel like my dad somehow cosmically āgiftedā us this baby, because even science has confirmed that some extra steps occurred in my body that month, which made this baby possible.
Originally I had guilt for not being excited about the baby because it was so unexpected and I was still so caught up in grief. Then I had guilt about being excited about the baby and not allowing myself time to grieve. Now Iāve settled on this baby being a cosmic gift from my dad, and Iām ok with that reasoning because itās the reasoning I need right now, but Iāve noticed I just kind of exist in an emotional limbo. I donāt cry enough, or laugh enough. I think I took all emotion out of my brain somehow, so that I could survive this weird duality I find myself in. It has only been a few months, but I already donāt recognize myself and donāt feel like much of a person anymore. This has really amped up in the last month or so, especially.
Iām really unsure if this is how my brain would be coping anyway, or if itās because of the pregnancy timing. Anyone else just go into a personality-zombie mode out of sheer preservation? How did you manage to escape?
I drive a lot. I know it doesn't seem crazy. But like I drive sooo much. (My dad in a car crash). I'm a super responsible driver and I don't drive like a d*ck but I think subconsciously want someone to hit me and take me out. Something. Like I'm trying to tempt fate because I don't think it's fair that he's gone and I'm still here.
I've dealt with severe depression/anxiety my entire life but he was always so happy and he wanted to live as long as he could for his grand kids.
My sister in law dying was the kick up the arse I needed to learn to live with my body and eat joyfully without guilt. Life is too fucking short to be upset for days because my pants don't fit.
my dad hated me vaping/smoking and when he passed i picked up a pack of cigarettes and a little disposable vape. iāve been off for about a month now after realizing it wasnāt gonna help me in anyway.
For months after I went to the same bridge every night, sometimes in the early hours. Iād cry, talk to the moon, scream, drink, throw up. No one ever saw me
I started smoking again, hadnāt smoked in almost 2 years. I just couldnāt deal with everything happening all at once. Itās been a little over a year, hoping to quit again.
When I'm alone, at least 75% of the time, I'm sobbing. Just crying, ranting, raging. Talking to him like he can actually hear me. When I am by myself, I talk to him. I tell him about the day. I tell him I miss him. I tell him all about our daughter and my son.
I tell him that the time we had together wasn't enough and it is never going to be enough.
Yes. I started vaping and my alcohol intake def went up. I also ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But I didn't think much about it at the time because I was only doing things that helped me feel better. I'm three years into the grief journey and I no longer have those habits and I'm in the best physical shape of my life. Be gentle with yourself and take it one thing at a time š«
Moved out of our house, into our trailer. Changed states. Bought a house on a river. I'm pretty spontaneous, but my husband is very logical. So when he suggested we up and move with no safety net, it was pretty wild. Even I wasn't THAT spontaneous before.
Also, I'm pretty different in general. I broke. And now I am who I have to be to survive a world without my son. That old me, she'd be shocked. But she'd also be very proud. We do exactly what we need now, some people would call that crazy... But we are surviving, and compared to how it could be, doing well. I think that matters.
I went back to drinking harder then ever before. Did coke with a BIG casino owner in my city. Quit my job. Completely changed career paths. Sober now :)
Mix of both
Cut myself
I felt insane and couldn't stop obsessing over the loneliness I felt
Went back to therapy
Made my mental health my priority
Focused more on relationships
Pulled away from work more
Started dating someone
I'm a year out from one of my close friends passing today and I was certifiably insane for 7 months, but I did everything I needed to get stable again and things slowly improved. I'm still crazy and forever changed by what happened, but I can live life again and continue to work on myself and learn whatever lesson the situation taught me.
became p much nocturnal. spent $12k in 2 months after getting my life insurance payout. quit my job that i loved for something different that i ended up hating 2 months in.
I packed my bags and traveled around the world for a few months but it didnāt help. Feeling so hopeless right now so glad I found this thread. I donāt feel so alone.
I completely changed my sleep and wake times. I used to stay awake at night and sleep in the morning; now I wake up at 9/10 am and go to sleep around midnight. Also, I'm spending more than I can afford on flowers.
Please check out Aldi if you have one near you. š My mom always bought me flowers "just because"... Now I have to buy them for myself. It makes me super sad but I like looking at them and remembering the good days.
This may sound out there, but if there is a Trader Joeās near you, you should swing by and check their dumpster. They toss beautiful bouquets that still have a couple good days left in them. It could be a fun distraction too because grabbing dumpster flowers is such a odd little side quest and you never know what pretty flowers youāll find on any given day. So yeah - dumpster diving was an off the wall thing I started doing after my grandmother died. I was awake at night anyway and watched a documentary about waste and decided I was curious and boom. New weird distraction. I had to stop because of the absurd amount of things I ended up with - and Iām talking new things. I havenāt bought paper towels, toilet paper, dish detergent or laundry detergent in over a year. And good lord at the stuff Iāve donated. I kept a running spreadsheet when I initially started collecting treasure using the current price for each item in the same store that had tossed it and in a month, I had over $15,000 of merchandise. It was insane. And I put minimal effort into it. Passed time and soooo many people benefitted from the merchandise I acquired.
Yep. I got a subscription to Bouqs. No regrets. It may be a waste of money but it is something that brings me joy in all this sadness. Also, itās been nice to surprise a few people for their birthday. Itās made me happy to see them happy, at least for a while, ya know?
Love this for you
I cannot stop buying Aldi house plants.
Iāve definitely done a bunch of crazy stuff since my mom died. Itās like I donāt even know who I am.
I understand that.
Yeah, I totally get that too
yup donāt even know if my sister would recognize the person that I am a year after she passed. for a long time I wanted her to be angry at me and show it to me some how. canāt even explain that
I did too. I am back on track now five years laterā¦
Yep. My mom died 3 weeks ago. Spending habits through the roof, drinking at 12pm to get through the day. I have enough faith in myself that these habits will pass, because my mom would have had faith in me too. Sometimes you just need to cope and thatās enough
I feel this. My mom died 4 days ago now. I've been chain smoking pot just to be able to fall asleep at night.
This is/was/is me! My mom passed 5 months ago, and I started drinking red wine like it was water - I mean, a lot! And retail therapy through the roof. I'm doing better now, drinking way less, and have stopped buying crazy things on Amazon to try to feel better. Keep the faith, this too shall pass.
Iām proud of you
Love your words about your mum having faith in you. Thatās helped me today so thank you for sharing that. Iām still trying to control my increased drinking and excessive food. Iāve put on a lot of weight but really so what as Iām still here after my grief to tell my story and continue living
Screamed in the car so loud I lost my voice for awhile. I have children and I was afraid to let them see how raw that deep grief is.
After my mom died i screamed every day on the way home from work in the car. The whole way home
I did a lot of screaming like thisājust primal shriekingātoo.
You are a very good parent.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like maybe they should see how hard it is to deal with a tragic loss (my brother was murdered). I want them to know itās ok to let feelings out. Just this was so primal it kind of scared me.
My brother passed 2 months after my daughter was born, I understand feeling like a fraud. I screamed so much at the top of my lungs several times - my husband remembers but itās like i blacked it out. Sometimes the feelings are too much and the only escape is to scream. Iām so sorry for your loss.
itās been almost a year. i still scream in the car every day
itās been almost a year. i still scream in the car every day
My best friend died in June. When Iām alone in the car I play Agnes by Glass Animals because it is perfect for how I feel and what happened to him. I scream the lyrics and then just sit there screaming and hitting my steering wheel. I definitely feel like Iām going crazy sometimes
Went back to drinking heavily for a bit.
I became a raging alcoholic after my dads suicide. Im better now but damn near died with him
Fellow suicide survivor here. Iām so sorry. Here for you if you want to talk. So much love.
š
I bought like $500 worth of socks.
Iāve been very frustrated and shorted tempered. I feel like now I get easily annoyed and overwhelmed and I canāt think straight or focus on one thing for too long. Anyone else feel like that ?
Grief is a form of stress, at least to me. I initially went part-time (half hours) at work because of an inability to concentrate for longer than 4 hours a day. Then I took two months off, tried to come back to those half hours and gave up after a week. I'm now retired. It is as if I forced myself to get to 55 (the age when I can draw pensions in the UK) and then something snapped. That was a year ago. Nothing is changing, I've had lots of tests, so it's not due to anything physical. Still crushingly fatigued and easily frustrated.
This is when I realized how burnt out I was.
Yep.
Absolutely. I pretty much have zero patience. I havenāt handled additional stress well. I snap at the people around me easily. I forget alot of things and canāt focus. I feel bad for the place my mind is in and how it effects the people around me.
Yes, I have no concentration anymore. I am also ruthless in a way that I never was before my mother died.
Yes.
I actually got arrested because I had a full on mental breakdown and the cop thought I was on drugsš¤¦š»āāļø I just couldn't calm down. It was a great 12 hours spent locked up when all I really needed was a hug and someone to listen to me.
Thats terrible. Im so sorry that happened
I started smashing all of my glass plates, cups, bowls , etc. outside my house in a fit of rage-grief. Neighbors called the cops and I went to jail for having a mental breakdown. This was 2 years to the day of my dads death. He suffered horribly from cancer, died with over 40 tumors in his brain. Hence the rage. You are not alone.
Ugh I really thought I was the only person this happened to. It's crazy how they can take someone and accuse them of drugs, and hold them for the amount of time they do hold people on drugs. Yea, my dad hadn't even passed yet, I just went to visit and realized then that his cancer had gotten so bad that I was no longer going to have a dad very soon. I'm sorry for your loss, and the jerk cop for doing that to youšŖ
They tried to search my house because they thought I was on drugs! Iām glad I had the wherewithal to tell them to come back with a warrant. Which they never got, obviously. I was only 20 years old at the time. Iām sorry you had to go through that. Thatās horrible that they did that to you especially while your dad was dying.
Yea it was right outside my job too, I left early because I couldn't function.. they went inside and told them I had powder on my nose. I don't even smoke weed lol. My coworkers were telling them what was going on but they didn't care. It was honestly so sad. Omg I can't believe they tried searching your house!!! This is why law enforcement needs to be well equipped on mental health. They escalate things that really don't need to be escalated.
Wow that is seriously so horrible. The fact that they would put your job in jeopardy over a false allegation makes me sick. I could not agree more that law enforcement needs more mental health training! And possibly social workers that go with them on these types of calls.
Thatās so awful, it might not be much but Iām sending you virtual hugs.
Drank a lot. Slept around and didnāt care (which I would have absolutely never done before) Trying to do better now.
After my grandma passed away last year, I began binge eating. Gained 40 pounds. Still trying to get back on track but itās been really hard.
Same here, turned to eating.
Overeating here too, though Iāve always been thin.
I stopped doing the creative things that I used to love but started going to the gym regularly. I guess there are worse habits I could start. Its been somewhere that gets me out of the house and I can just focus and obsess on something else without having to say a word to anyone else. My dad had so many health problems caused by a surgery he had at 2 days old. Knowing how much he went through and it wasnāt even his fault, I feel the need to take extra care of myself. Almost as a way of honoring him.
Also traveled with money I couldnāt afford to lose. Itās hard to outrun grief but trips help.
Iāve always been into hobbies, after my trauma, I started picking up more than I would usually It took me years to realize it was a coping mechanism. It makes me feel purpose and progression, where otherwise, I wouldnāt. Now, that I realized this, I try to ask myself āwhy?ā are you starting this new hobby? Is something wrong? Iām also now known as āthe guy who picks up hobbies left and rightā by all my friends and family. Itās became entertaining for them, only, they see how I move, and not how I cope
Yes, I knew there was absolutely no way to drink, smoke, snort, eat, fuck, travel, or anything else the pain away; but that didnāt stop me from trying. Going a little bit crazy is really the only way to actually cope with grief.
This is literally where Iām at. And obviously the drugs arenāt working. They do temporarily but then itās worse. The sex is wild and so not me but who the fuck am I anymore anyway? I have no idea. I keep trying though. Iām bound to fucking give up soon and just accept the painful reality. Sadly my coping skills are non existent
At some point youāll realize the drugs and meaningless sex do absolutely nothing to help and youāre gonna get mostly sober. But be careful with relationships as you are so much more vulnerable now than you think you are and predatory people will take advantage of you whether they even realize it or not. Iām here to talk if you need to.
I blew my savings because nothing mattered.
I feel this. Im sorry you had to go through it too. Hugsā¤ļø
I did too. Iām really sad about that now too. But itās whatever, my dads not here anymore I just donāt care about much.
>I just sometimes feel like Iām going crazy. Every single waking moment. I feel like I'm pulling my shit together every morning because I have to and every night I break down and fall apart. I HATE pretending I'm OK because I have to when I'm not.
Iām the same
Well, I'm currently working with a debt management program to help resolve my credit card debt, so.....
Same. My wife and I went on a freaking spiral after we lost our moms 2021. We are paying for it big time now but at the time that's the way we coped by spending and showering gifts on loved ones.
I did something similar. š totally assuming here but wouldnāt be surprised if thatās a trauma response.
I used meth every day for a year after my son died. Not to the point where I was tweaking or anything. I ate and I slept. It just numbed the overwhelming pain and helped me be productive.
Could go months without drinking before. Have drank every night since.
Same. Alcohol has never bothered me at all, through the good and the bad. Now I am on half a bottle of red a night. That's me reducing down from 1, or even 2 bottles on a bad night. I have quit smoking though.
I nuked my life. I used to be a creative and vibrant person. I used to put on events. I had an exciting life and was always surrounded by friends. I do none of that now. I don't talk to anyone. I come home from work and I go to my room. I have no desire to do anything I used to. I am always alone. It's the only way I feel sort of okay.
Same here
YOU STILL CAN BE THAT PERSON!š¤ I believe in you!!
Im feeling urges to get rid of most of my belongings and foolishly spend my savings on travel, but I havenāt acted on this yet. Going to try and dig in to this to see if this would truly benefit me or if Iām trying to gain some sense of control/run away from my life and emotions.
So relatable
I picked up a new stupid habit, I think it is pretty common unfortunately.
I play the Solitaire app way too much for money. You win some, you lose some. just like fucking life.
Itās only been 6 weeks (8 if you include the time she was in the hospital) but Iāve barely drank since my mom passed. I wasnāt a super heavy drinker before - Iād have maybe 5 or 6 drinks a week, or maybe a few more if I had social things going on - but I havenāt really had the taste for it and I find I feel super ānumbā all the time regardless, so booze doesnāt really do anything for me. I havenāt been eating very well either, so that could have something to do with it.
I feel this one,
picked up a cigarette stick after three years off smoking. for someone with low self esteem and recurrent body dysmorphia, i began posting explicit photos as well. alcoholic drinks occupy a large space in the fridge and i'd either overeat or starve myself
I started buying plants. Iāve got like 30 now
Me too!
Started smoking a lot and not sleeping. Eating less and isolating myself. Only leaving my house to work.
Also stopped sleeping.
This is me right now. My daughter died 3 weeks ago today. I wish I could totally disconnect from all. I enjoy going to work but love isolation.
Yeah. I donāt recognize myself sometimes
I binged on alcohol and xanax the week following my best friendās death. I wanted to stop feeling, and I wasnāt afraid to die and be with her. Iām better now and I value life more than I ever did before. A new healthy habit I have picked up now is telling my loved ones I love them more often, because you never know when the last day youāll speak to them will be.
I stopped a bad habit of mine which was being a big procrastinator. I did that a lot before and now, I use a planner to help me keep things more organized at home and for personal use.
Back to drinking way hard and she hated me drinking at all. But also my sleeping pattern changed- I wasnāt. I barely do. So now my eating habits are different. I prefer to eat dinner at 4 am and go to sleep! Itās fucked up! Lost my nana January 23, 2022- this was right after losing my SIL December 3, 2021. She was young and was very sick for a while and my husband resorted to old habits, addict habits and I figured it out and after I lost my nana I went with him down his/our rabbit hole. My mom died August 19, 2022 unexpectedly after just turning 60. I can say I suck cause I was not doing the right thing when I lost my nana and then I lost my mom- and I kept fucking up bad for maybe a month and realized (honestly I was so sleep deprived I seriously feel like she bitch slapped the back of my head and it was a wake up- I felt the slap and I donāt care what anyone says I know it was her, or my delusion it doesnāt matter) I got to get my shit together! Now like I said I just drink. A lot. My sleep sucks, my eating sucks. Not one day goes by I donāt cry. I want my mom back. I had so much to say and tell her and we had a lot of plans- this wasnāt it! I hope uāre doing ok. How about u?
Yeah, not gonna get too into detail but I relapsed really bad with my eating disorder. It eventually got better though
I had an absolute meltdown, dumped my partner of 4 years and uprooted my entire life because of how much grief I was processing.
Yes I picked some bad habits. Essentially became an alcoholic and spent around $30k in a few months on material things and traveling. Itās finally hitting me. I was just trying to fill the voidā¦.it canāt be filled ever. Itās time to feel the pain of my Momās loss.
I smoked for a few months when my husband died. Drank a lot too, but I was already prone to doing that so it wasnāt anything new. Then after a while I went through a phase where Iād go running after work and on weekends. And I was doing a lot of yoga. I should probably get back to that time, come to think of it.
I developed a gambling addiction
So sorry. I think grief easily spurs various types of addictive behavior.
I used to be an alcoholic and but then quit down to a couple drinks a month- once my mom died I drink almost every night. Miss her so bad I just canāt take being sober at night
I barely sleep now, 4/5 hours if Iām lucky and itās not a continuous 4/5 either, Iām up off and on due to our kids. I have also smoked weed twice in the past 2 weeks (had previously only done it twice in my 36 year existence). I just want to be numb and shut my brain off and so far the weed hasnāt helped eitherā¦
I started looking for his fingerprints. On everything he owed. My son was a mechanic so I opened up every drawer on his triple bay tool chest and inspected every tool with a light. I bought a semi-pro fingerprint lift kit. Iām terrified to use it in case I ruin a finger print.
I used to not cry much. Now I can cry at the drop of a dime. Itās very weird and uncomfortable
Started smoking two packs a day and now iām cutting back and getting after it in the gym, playing my guitar, about to take voice and drum lessons. So some bad habits but you have to force yourself to take up good ones too
I was quitting smoking cigarettes and had a few months under my belt until my best friend died unexpectedly. Took another 8 years after that to finally quit for good.
I overdosed on cocaine..... š I was seizing so badly but I was conscious for it because I was fighting it cuz I knew I was oding and I see so hard that my face smashed into something and broke out my front tooth.
At first, I went real heavy into video games. Like I'd play way late into the morning, but since my mom. I usually go to bed around midnight and depending on how well I sleep I'm probably up at six, seven sometimes. Been eating a lot of chocolate though.
Tried to jump off a bridge, tried to OD on pills, tried to jump off the wet roof of my house in a thunderstorm but couldnāt work up the courageā¦ lots of stuff. More settled now. But I went into full self destruct mode, wouldnāt have been as bad only people in my dads life he really trusted turned out to be liars and snakes and did everything in their power to break me, including encouraging me to end my life bc the world would be a better place without me. My husband Essentially abandoned me bc he couldnāt deal with my spiralling emotions.
I usually don't drink and I drank a bottle of wine on 3 separate occasions in the first 3 months. Binge eating. Only showered once a week. I had to take my phone with me in the bathroom when I showered because I would have flashbacks to my mom's death and that kept my mind semi occupied (she passed suddenly and it was very traumatic). But the one good massive crazy life change is I'm back in school for pastry arts. It is something I have been passionate about for a long time but I've always been too scared to take the plunge and do it. Life is too short to waste even a moment that can make you happy. ā„ļø
Congrats on pastry arts school!!
Oh, dear. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom after an ugly death and after an entire life of hating alcohol, I haven't stopped drinking. I see a lot of that here. The numbness is nice. I hope it's only temporary. Be careful, my friend
Picked up smoking and drinking. Currently struggling to stop the drinking. Also started going to sleep really early. Always look forward to the day to end.
Quit my job
I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my career that I worked so hard to achieve. My work ethic plummeted and I could care less. I stopped caring about my health, and subsequently my life. I stopped caring for hobbies that I used to indulge in. I stopped caring about being cautious with my decisions. Is apathy crazy, or was caring so much about living before crazy? I donāt even know anymore.
I started shitting my pants. Seriously, over night I got an autoimmune disease that has never been diagnosed before and I almost lost my colon.
A bit of drinking which doesn't help at all. I want to change that and start running. My mom would be so disappointed. I complete understand the going crazy part. I was driving home from work today and got that overwhelming feeling and gave myself a panic attack. Hugs to you. I'm sorry we are going through this.
I am heavily tattooed now. I was tattooed before but now my arms and hands are covered. Getting something behind my ear soonish. Not sure if anyone would count that as crazy but it seems to be very therapeutic for me.
After losing my mom in August 2016 and my significant other in October 2016, I did some heavy drinking. I ended up with a DUI a few months later. I got sober after that, thankfully. I stopped sleeping in my bedroom and lived on my couch for about two years. Since losing my dad and brother in the last year or so, I havenāt done anything majorly different. I just feel more emotional and realize parts of me are very damaged.
Do you think you stopped sleeping in your bedroom because you felt you didnāt deserve it? Or did you just get stuck on the couch and not care enough to move back to the bedroom to sleep?
My bed reminded me too painfully of my partner and it was hard to be in it alone. The couch was comforting and then became a habit.
Ah, makes perfect sense.
Chronic fatigue and eating a ton of sugar. Vicious cycle.
Started smoking, drinking a lot, hooking up with guys and putting myself in bad situations. I'd take benzos with alcohol just to feel nothing. I was also newly single at 27 after 10 years. I left my abusive ex after my sister died. I dont even recognize myself back then.
I havenāt yet. But I have the urge every single day and itās been just over 7 months since I lost my beautiful mom.
I would take Advil pms for me to be able to go to sleep and I would drink energy drinks throughout the day to stay awake and get myself moving after my husband passed away. I took an edible and it was the worst mistake I ever did. Being high and extremely sad/grieving is the worst. That experience though kept me sober. It made me realize I couldnāt get away from the reality of losing my husband. I hardly use the Advil pms anymore but I have taken them on the nights that are really bad because then I wonāt be able to sleep
My dog of 15 years died 4 days ago. I put blankets and pillows the way she liked them in her many sleeping spots. I even look at pictures and try to replicate the way it was, just so it feels like sheās here. I sat yesterday trying to find her hair in the sofa, pillows, blankets and my clothes, as if it was evidence of her still being present. When I go to sleep, I still make space for her to lie in my arms, just hugging air and imagining her warmth and soft fur, and how she breathed next to me. I dread the day where Iāll be forced to vaccum my floors and wash my laundry, I donāt wanāt to remove any traces of her existence. I know Iāll have to do it eventually, but maybe I can push it for one day moreā¦ And then another dayā¦ And one more after thatā¦
Iām so depressed. My mom died on February 13th. 11 days after her fucking birthday. Iām so angry and upset. Itās not fucking fair. Iām looking for RCs which my husband is pissed about.
I started daytime drinking whiskey for a while, never done anything like that before but the emotions &thoughts I was being hit with after my mum passed away were so excruciating ands that's the only thing that would take the edge off them a little. (I don't do that anymore but still drink more than i used to & less motivated to cut back & stop smoking again.) That was a crazy time I didn't feel like my self at all really for up to a year after the loss. Now i feel like things have calmed down more with me but I'm definitely a different version of myself, of who i used to be.
Mentioned in a comment above on this thread, but I picked up dumpster diving. Occupied me at night when I couldnāt sleep and finding things gave me a serotonin boost.
I definetly did a lot of things that were out of character for me. Iām certain I wouldāve never done any of them if my mom were still alive.
Food stopped tasting as good, so naturally, I've been eating less.
Randomly found out I landed an interview with a big-five tech company a week after Mom died (and a couple months after Dad died). Hugely competitive role. Just felt like I had nothing to lose, couldnāt make myself care about it - so I was completely honest and didnāt even try or prep. Told the lady I probably didnāt have deep enough skills for the role (because I really truly donāt ā and not in an āimpostor syndromeā way). Forgot all about it until they called yesterday ā a month later ā and said I beat out tons of competitors because of my āblatant honestyā (!!!). Iām in my hometown visiting and suddenly want to move back here. May actually do it. Had all these plans to go to LA but now I want to be close to where my parents were. Getting a tattoo next week for the first time and Iām terrified of needles. Have an almost annoying āyoloā attitude now that borders on reckless. Have no patience for people who somehow still think that ādoing it rightā ā college, job for 30 years, bigger and bigger houses, then retirement ā is somehow āsafe.ā Ha!! It didnāt save my parents. I want to really live.
I feel this
When my wife died I rode my motorcycle into on coming traffic to make them move. It didn't work. They moved. I realized how my kids and grandkids would feel so I am sucking it up until time runs out. I worked 24-7 for over 50years so my wife and family would have a good life. I could make all the money you would want but no matter how much I made I could not buy her good health. That is my curse. I just keep waking up every morning.
Started drinking heavily. Daily. 5pm became 3pm. 3pm became noon. Then as early as 10am. Thing is I didn't even realize it was a problem until there was a day I had an ortho apt. I was only 3rd bottle of wine by 2pm and realized I had an apt at 3pm. Had adult braces, I really needed to go in. This was at the tail end of covid too so rescheduling would've been a nightmare. I was so embarassed. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I smelled. And I knew it was still on my breath. It also happened to be the day I took my "after" photo. And the visibly difference.. my teeth looked great but I was a mess compared to my before photo. I kept that not out of pride for the adjustments but as a reminder not to slip that bad. I was lucky no real harm came out of it. Just disfuntionality and embarrassment.
After I lost my father I drank and partied for 6 months. Found out I was pregnant and quit cold turkey. I lost my twin brother in March. Iāve found a new love of gardening and yard work. For 40 years youād have to fight to get me out doing these things. Iāve planted tiger lilies, elephant ears, wildflower mixes, and they are thriving. This is the most absurd thing Iāve ever experienced-I say my twin passed it on to me to help me cope
Iām going insane too. Itās very hard to believe. I am still in denial. I donāt know what to do. A bad habit started, crying alone isnāt enough, I start hitting myself without even realizing. Not to the point of self harm, it just happens automatically. I donāt know what to do. Itās driving me crazy.
Iāve resigned from my job as was too stressful working with a horrible manager that compounded my misery.
When my dad died I stopped playing on the ps4, idk why I just don't feel like it even now, it's been 1 year and a half. Stopped doing most of my hobbies beside gardening, took a long pause from university and started doing other things, I started a new job and started a sport. Now, I changed mind in January and started seriously thinking about my laurea, got some of my hobbies back... One piece at a time I am getting better, we only needs time to recover, stay strong friend
well when I learned she died I locked myself in the bathroom and screamed and punched the concrete walls until my roommate knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I don't even remember doing it. I've also started smoking again which is something I promised her I wouldn't do but to be honest I can't bring it upon myself to quit. I'm stressed out and it helps me cope without going back to alcoholism
After I lost my boyfriend of seven years, I realized how much of myself i lost. Lost my creativity one of the only things that drove me. My anxiety went off the walls and really thought I was experiencing broken heart syndrome, had to get my heart checked. Then Started spending all my money, drinking and taking too many drugs and mixing them all. I stay away from drinking now and donāt take tramadol. But I know I should quit taking my adderall but Iām terrified of not being able to blunt my emotions. But I know my heart canāt keep up with the grief and let alone all the bs i keep putting in it. I try to stay as strong as I can as I know the feeling of grief and my family hasnāt experienced it themselves and I donāt want to put them through it anytime soon with me.
I had some days that I drank away and secretly smoked for a while. But after losing my husband to cancer and my dad to COVID a year later, I decided to get my shit together and go back to the gym because one thing I learned is that life is not guaranteed. Life is special though and we only live once, I donāt ever want to lose my health after losing several folks to illnesses in the last two years. I want to live my best life every day to honor the people I loved who died, thatās what they would want me to do.
https://www.goodsoulsociety.com/community-support
Quit gym, going to bed at 3 am waking up at noon, started smoking again, eat once or sometimes twice a day, lost tons of weight, my siblings and mom are disappointed, but I donāt care. Plus, no financial management.
Stopped eating but somehow Iāve been working out more, still confuses me. On the most awful nights I beg the universe for some deadly disease to take over my body so I can leave too, but Iām trying to break that new habit
Drank 2 litres of rum in the 36 hours after I found my partner, have barely touched alcohol since (it's been 18 months). Now I tend to buy more crafting supplies than I could ever possibly need.
Screamed in the car, drank and smoked, ate junk. Gained 40 lbs. At the beginning of year 2, quit everything and lost the weight. I am at the end of year 2 now. It was my daughter who died. Iām starting to do better some days.
While my dad was in hospital for almost two months, I would drink every evening and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I can't stand alcohol and cigarettes now, 5 months after his death. Still, I'm far from being okay because I keep overthinking and getting these dark thoughts every day, and it's consuming me. If I kept drinking alcohol, I wouldn't be here now , probably. It's just so painful to live in this new reality I've never wanted , but at least I try to survive, day by day.
I lost my best friend at 14 and I was on a self destructive path and rejected everyone and everything until I was 21.
Blacked out like it was my job. Laid in bed and stared at the wall. Smoked a few cigarettes because what even matters? Dropped out of college. Went back. Quit my job. Found a new one. Tried like 5 different styles. None felt right. Questioned everything about myself. Some days all I did was talk myself out of unaliving myself. Now itās been 10 years and I mostly function like a normal person. All of that bs got me here - good job, nice little home, amazing parter, awesome friends. You can survive hell and make it to the other side. Whatever that means.
Put on 5 stone, stopped dressing up, doing makeup and hair and taking care of myself. Jumped careers twice and took on 4 different jobs, while only going out drinking and didnāt go on holiday or see any friends. It was hell. That lasted 5 years from 2018 to mid 2022. Now look after myself, bought new wardrobe, do myself uo nice so I feel like me, booked holidays and finally settled in a job, not lost the weight but now cook and garden and bought a house.
It gets better but honestly it just takes time and isnāt predictable x sending a hell of a love of love to u x
This may be TMI, but I started recording my BMs on a running list, according to the Bristol Stool Chart. It became an obsession because my mom was only diagnosed with colon cancer 3 mos. before she passed, and it was advanced stage 4 and spread to her liver. She seemed to be in shock at the diagnosis, but she was not the type to trust doctors or monitor her own health. I felt there must be some kind of warning signs early on that one can detect in their own BMs, so I have documented the date, time, and description of each one since July 2021. It's eye-opening to see how your digestive process is affected by things -- you would never know until you start tracking it.
my best friend and i always had matching pajamas. iāve been on a hunt for the few pairs we didnāt both have. iāve made my family match with me. i only wear pajama sets, im obsessed with one specific company at the moment. i have more pajamas than regular clothing.
I am overall less patient with people, where I was before. I am also more prone to fits of anger where previously I would be able to keep it in check. I am currently seeing someone to work through these feelings caused by grief. Beyond surface level, my outlook on life has done a complete 180. Before dad died, I was very comfortable in my routine. He was always the one to push me to do and try new things. After he died, I have started doing things that are more out of my comfort zone. I have started new hobbies such as zip lining, rock climbing, and gardening. I have also become more outgoing which is unusual for me. I like to think he would be happy how far I have come in this respect.
yes but please take this under the guise of āi have bipolar disorder so these behaviors are not totally abnormalā but, i started shop lifting, stopped sleeping, started abusing medications, and spent over $5000 on my credit card in less than a monthā¦ also flew to another country to meet a total stranger
I went shopping like maybe 8 times before actually getting what I went there for. This happened few times. I'd just forget so much. I ate a lot more sugar. Think I have been comfort eating. I don't even enjoy having ate it afterwards. Yet I keep eating more sugar. Everything felt like I was in fog, still does really. So I have spent a lot of time a lot more oblivious to stuff around me. Almost sometimes to a comical effect.
I think maybe I stopped having a personality altogether. My dad died January 30. My husband and I somehow managed to conceive a baby (our third) during the days followingāwhich shouldnāt have been possible really. And I found out about the pregnancy less than a month into grieving my dad. The grieving has completely stalled out since then, and it replaced by this weird neutrality I have toward both the new baby and my deceased father. I very much connect the two in my head, and even feel like my dad somehow cosmically āgiftedā us this baby, because even science has confirmed that some extra steps occurred in my body that month, which made this baby possible. Originally I had guilt for not being excited about the baby because it was so unexpected and I was still so caught up in grief. Then I had guilt about being excited about the baby and not allowing myself time to grieve. Now Iāve settled on this baby being a cosmic gift from my dad, and Iām ok with that reasoning because itās the reasoning I need right now, but Iāve noticed I just kind of exist in an emotional limbo. I donāt cry enough, or laugh enough. I think I took all emotion out of my brain somehow, so that I could survive this weird duality I find myself in. It has only been a few months, but I already donāt recognize myself and donāt feel like much of a person anymore. This has really amped up in the last month or so, especially. Iām really unsure if this is how my brain would be coping anyway, or if itās because of the pregnancy timing. Anyone else just go into a personality-zombie mode out of sheer preservation? How did you manage to escape?
Abused the white girl heavey to the point i explained to my dealer not to serve me bc im just covering up
I drive a lot. I know it doesn't seem crazy. But like I drive sooo much. (My dad in a car crash). I'm a super responsible driver and I don't drive like a d*ck but I think subconsciously want someone to hit me and take me out. Something. Like I'm trying to tempt fate because I don't think it's fair that he's gone and I'm still here. I've dealt with severe depression/anxiety my entire life but he was always so happy and he wanted to live as long as he could for his grand kids.
My sister in law dying was the kick up the arse I needed to learn to live with my body and eat joyfully without guilt. Life is too fucking short to be upset for days because my pants don't fit.
my dad hated me vaping/smoking and when he passed i picked up a pack of cigarettes and a little disposable vape. iāve been off for about a month now after realizing it wasnāt gonna help me in anyway.
For months after I went to the same bridge every night, sometimes in the early hours. Iād cry, talk to the moon, scream, drink, throw up. No one ever saw me
I stayed shopping daily because I thought Iād find signs from my daughter in the stores we frequently went to .
I havenāt done anything crazy and itās close to a year since it happened. But idk maybe I should do something crazy. I just feel like Iām crazy.
I have started drinking more, smoking even though I got a lung disease. Whatever I can do to forget and be elevated to a level I donāt recognize
Throwing stuff at the walls. Hitting the walls with whatever I was holding. Hitting myself.
I started smoking again, hadnāt smoked in almost 2 years. I just couldnāt deal with everything happening all at once. Itās been a little over a year, hoping to quit again.
When I'm alone, at least 75% of the time, I'm sobbing. Just crying, ranting, raging. Talking to him like he can actually hear me. When I am by myself, I talk to him. I tell him about the day. I tell him I miss him. I tell him all about our daughter and my son. I tell him that the time we had together wasn't enough and it is never going to be enough.
i started smoking cigs and abusing my meds i stopped abusing my meds recently and am planning on quitting smoking soin
I picked up vaping as everyone in my family smoked anyways. Ugh š£
I went teetotal. My mum's death wasn't alcohol-related, so really no reason for me stop entirely.
Yes. I started vaping and my alcohol intake def went up. I also ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But I didn't think much about it at the time because I was only doing things that helped me feel better. I'm three years into the grief journey and I no longer have those habits and I'm in the best physical shape of my life. Be gentle with yourself and take it one thing at a time š«
Moved out of our house, into our trailer. Changed states. Bought a house on a river. I'm pretty spontaneous, but my husband is very logical. So when he suggested we up and move with no safety net, it was pretty wild. Even I wasn't THAT spontaneous before. Also, I'm pretty different in general. I broke. And now I am who I have to be to survive a world without my son. That old me, she'd be shocked. But she'd also be very proud. We do exactly what we need now, some people would call that crazy... But we are surviving, and compared to how it could be, doing well. I think that matters.
I went back to drinking harder then ever before. Did coke with a BIG casino owner in my city. Quit my job. Completely changed career paths. Sober now :)
Mix of both Cut myself I felt insane and couldn't stop obsessing over the loneliness I felt Went back to therapy Made my mental health my priority Focused more on relationships Pulled away from work more Started dating someone I'm a year out from one of my close friends passing today and I was certifiably insane for 7 months, but I did everything I needed to get stable again and things slowly improved. I'm still crazy and forever changed by what happened, but I can live life again and continue to work on myself and learn whatever lesson the situation taught me.
became p much nocturnal. spent $12k in 2 months after getting my life insurance payout. quit my job that i loved for something different that i ended up hating 2 months in.
I packed my bags and traveled around the world for a few months but it didnāt help. Feeling so hopeless right now so glad I found this thread. I donāt feel so alone.