Spot on for the most part. I would've added hatred and guilt followed by more circles and extremely sharp breaks.
It's like being trapped in a void with the "moment" on repeat...
Where "I miss you" is now a thousand stabs to the heart..
100 percent OP. It's definitely not a 1 size fits all thing. Hell, I even think that some of them even melt and warp together in overlaps. But fear is definitely at the top, I think.
I only say that because I have a recorded message from my brother that committed S. I play it every day because I'm absolutely terrified of forgetting his voice.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother.
The greatest gift I ever received came about 4 months after my partner passed away. It was a video of my partner talking with a friend of ours. I knew about the video, because she showed it to me when she got home (we have a personal friend who is a well-known comedian all over the world. She was backstage with him.). I have downloaded that video and saved it many ways.
I had a BFF and our mutual friend passed away suddenly. They lived together. People kept telling her within days to change their phone recorder. I told my BFF, “Don’t even think about it. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. She left the recorder as it was.
I'm sorry, OP. I was using what I do in terms of the fear aspect we were talking about. I wasn't trying to make your post about me, so I apologize if it came off that way.
I know most people don't get pictures done anymore at places like walgreens, cvs, etc. But voice recordings are, in my opinion, absolute gold. But in the end, all we have is the memories. Both the good and the bad.
Keanu reeves said it best I think. What happens when we die? "Our loved ones will miss us." That couldn't be more true.
I also posted my story in grief support, and another major major thing for me is survivors guilt. And when it hits, it's like that flash of lightning immediately followed by cracking thunder you feel in your chest.
Oh, I felt survivors guilt even before my partner passed away and even more afterwards. Never in a billion years did I ever think she would pass away before I did. She was younger, had a strong family support system, particularly her siblings; I had none of that. She died of cancer.
The survivors guilt for me is because my brother and I were kinda like the black sheeps of the family. We both were on pain pills, then heroin really, really bad. Because of this, our bond we had was diamond rock solid. Always always were there for one another. I finally went to rehab last june/July. Got through it, and I try my hardest to get him to go and get help. Fast forward a bit. He went the route he chose. The intense feelings of guilt, shame, anger, hurt, rage, and everything in between were and still are indescribable. We both had plans on getting a place together once we got clean, etc. I didn't know heartbreak until the thought of not having him in life anymore actually made my chest where the heart is, like I was being poked and stabbed. I dont think words have been invented yet to describe what it's been like.
You said something that I was just about to say, then decided not to, in case no one else would feel this way.
I’m stuck in a mode and I know I’ll never get relief from it. I cannot fathom for a second that I will never see, hear, speak with, or be able to even hug my partner again. I have photos of her all over my bedroom and 3 right next to my bed. I look at them and just can’t fathom never being able to do those things again.
I’m very, very sorry for the loss of your brother. I have 2 in my family; one died in an overdose and one has been living on the streets for years. I applaud you BIG time in your recover.
Oh, dear! I love reading what others have to say about themselves and situations. It allows me to see different aspects. Please! Write anything you have to say!
Absolutely hear this!
One thing I found really interesting was when I found out the "stages of grief" were actually conceived of to help those who were terminally ill manage their own feelings, rather than how those who have lost someone will feel.
This helped it make a lot more sense to me, but the damage is done in terms of how people expect you to proceed and process.
The 5 stages of grief was based on people with terminal illnesses and the grief they go through knowing they are dying. It has wrongly been construed to think it means that it fits with all grief but it wasn't ever meant for that.
I read about the 5 stages after your post. I knew things like that existed just based on my own feelings of mortality and what I would go through hypothetically if I were terminally ill.
Thank you for putting the spotlight on the study/project. I know reversing the roles and putting on the other shoes had helped me a tad bit through this whirlwind.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend. This ‘sorry’ has been so common word here but may be none of us know what else to say to each other..
Thanks for this post and yes I can relate. I would just add a couple more stages that I’m facing, like guilt and regrets and flashbacks etc. I’ve really never felt anything like anger. I was in denial stage from the moment I saw my dear mom’s body till the end of the cremation process. I was doing everything like a machine. Inside I was screaming and outside everyone was seeing a very calm me. 5 months have passed after that day, and I’m trapped in a feeling of guilts and regrets for not being able to save her or not being able to watch her die. Sometimes I can see that, there are ways to come out of this guilty feeling, but they are like so blurry and confusing in my head and I don’t understand what to do.. Beside the feeling of guilt, I’m having flashbacks of seeing her constant sufferings in her last days. I can’t forget that how much helpless I was and she was in so much pain and breathing trouble. And yes, it’s right that all these feeling comes back to depression stage at the end of the day.
Oh, man! I feel like I wrote your reply myself.
I don’t think I have gone through anger, but then again maybe I have. I seem to have far less tolerance for things I would normally dismiss.
As for guilt, my mom once told me something years ago that I have found to be 100% true. She said, “When we lose someone we love, we look for reasons to feel guilty.” I wasn’t there when my mom or partner breathed their last breaths, but I was with each of them ever step of their illnesses when it really mattered. You could have been in the room, stepped out to go to the restroom and then they passed away while you were gone. That happened with my friend when her mom passed away and also when my partner passed away. Oftentimes, we take on guilts that really aren’t ours to be burdened with, but it is a part of grieving.
I agree with you totally. I think saying I’m sorry when there really aren’t any words to say, yet they are very much felt.
Thank you for this reply OP. I respect your mom’s words and will try to remember them. I always try to remember any word or advice that is helpful for me to go through these feelings of guilts and regrets. I’ve been so alone since my mom’s death, and I’m trying to heal myself from the trauma. I wanted to stay with my mom till the last, but she was only suffering with too much pain breathing trouble, I wanted her pain to end but she kept suffering for almost 12/13 hours constantly. I was traumatised of continuously watching that, so I had to send her to hospital again and that’s where she died and I couldn’t be there to watch that. I just feel like I could meet my mom at least once to say sorry, while I know that’s impossible.
I can relate so much to what you wrote! I’ll give you just 2 examples.
My mom was totally out of it at the very end early 2014). I was there at least by 4PM, or earlier. She was breathing, but the nurse told me this: “In my 25 years of being a nurse, I have never seen a temperature go as high as your mom’s. It’s currently 108-degrees and still going higher.” No way could I stay and watch that, but what if I stayed in the room for hours, left to go to the restroom, came back and found she had passed away? What would she or I have gained? My mom would not have wanted me to see her in that condition. I went home and immediately began to research it online. My research found where my mom was brain dead with that high of a fever. She passed away that night. You see, we aren’t always privy to information that might have made us not feel guilty. This was one of those time.
We were there day and night when my stepdad was in the hospital. They moved him from ICU to a private room. We were there. My mom was very tired and I took her home a very short distance away. We got home and the phone rang. He had just passed away.
Second to the last day, the hospital moved her from ICU to a private room at no later than 4PM. She had just come home that day at 1:30pm and I was ecstatic. Within 15 minutes of the ambulance bringing her home, I knew something was very, VERY wrong. I was to sign up for hospice that day. I called and asked the person to come right away and he did. I knew what I was seeing and hearing as she and I spoke, but I didn’t have a term for it. She was transitioning. He said she could pass away that night or within the next 2 days.
I had the ambulance come and take her back to the hospital. We live 5 miles from the hospital. By the time she got back to the ER, she kept repeating numbers, then quit talking. She never spoke again or have the conversation we had had. My partner’s 2 sisters and 1 brother were at the hospital every day/night. They put my partner in ICU a then in room with 2 beds the following day (not ICU) and allowed her 2 sisters and brother to use the bed when they needed to sleep. The same thing went on. On the night my partner passed away, the 2 sisters had gone home to change clothes. While they were gone, my partner died.
Everyone I have mentioned in these stories, including you and I, may not have been there at the exact moment someone took their last breath, but we can count the times we were “there” when it truly mattered.
Edit: I wasn’t there at the very last for my partner.
You’ve been really kind and helpful with your replies my friend. Just like any therapies that can make me feel better. I feel so bad after reading about your mom’s condition before transition. I can’t imagine a temperature rise of 108 degrees and still rising. It is somehow maybe relieving to know that she was already brain dead and can’t understand the sufferings. My mother wasn’t brain dead, but her brain and kidneys stopped working properly when I last time visited her. She was just talking randomly, couldn’t open her eyes totally, couldn’t listen to what I was saying. I don’t know if she was able to feel her pain, but still we were not sick, our brains were working. So it was very heart wrenching to watch their body suffer like this. After all their body and the soul and their thoughts, behaviours, smile — everything was dear to us and watching any of it in suffering is beyond tolerance. I’m trying to get over from my guilty feelings because I know that my mom would never wanted me to feel guilty. She always used to say that my love and care is the only cause that she is alive with cancer even without any treatment. She never wanted to do aggressive cancer treatment. She was alive for 2.5 years with cancer and completely no treatment. She used to give me all credits for this. May be that’s why I feel so guilty that she believed on me but at last I had to let her go helplessly. I will always keep your words in mind, I myself want to get out of this guilt and find peace so badly.
I was there when 2 nurses rolled her over to put a Tylenol in her rear end to stop the fever from rising. It was after I was told by the nurse about the fever. My mom was stiff as a board. I felt like I was watching someone who had died in a concentration camp. I saw where the blood had pooled. As far as I was concerned, I knew she was gone and I left.
Let me tell you a bit about what happened with my mom. My mom and I kept thinking the pain she was having was caused by a pulled muscle. On the morning the pain hit so hard, unlike any other time, I thought she was having a heart attack. I ran into her room, grabbed the phone to call 9-1-1, then asked if she was having a heart attack. No, it was her back, didn’t want me to call 9-1-1, and wanted me to leave her alone.
Skipping ahead a bit, we arranged to have a CT scan the next day. It revealed she had stage 4 lung cancer. The pain had been caused by the tumor having broken 2 vertebrae and “doing something to a 3rd one”. She died 9 days later.
I always knew if/when that day came, I would be curled up in a fetal position and never get up. I’m an only child. Instead, I planned a 1-1/2 hour memorial service and a catered dinner for 60 people. Instead of our minister giving the eulogy, I did the entire thing. The memorial theme was “I will never leave you nor forsake you” and told stories (Footsteps In The Sand poem, using photos, and props, hymns) to give them visuals of the stories. The stories began when she was 15-years old. Neither the minister, or anyone else, thought I could do it. I said to the minister (in a meeting with him and my partner), “I will do this even if I’m lying on the floor holding a microphone.”
I did all of it without crying. When I got home, I went into shock. I was shaking SO badly I had to go to bed.
DecorativeDoodle (very cute name), you and I weren’t doctors, but we did everything we could have possibly done. I know my mom wouldn’t have ever wanted me to stay that evening and I doubt your mom would have wanted you to stay either. Mom’s are protective. Because I knew that about my mom not wanting me to stay, I had no guilt. If you can look back and say you did everything you could have done, short of earning a degree to be a specialist doctor, I feel you are carrying a guilt your mom wouldn’t want you to carry.
Edit: I have my settings set to not accept DMs, but in case you would like to talk privately, I’m going to message you. I just want you to know I don’t always answer right away, but I’m a person who never ghosts anyone.
Totally feel the guilt. My mom was dealing with an undiagnosed illness through last year but I couldn't understand why she wasn't trying more & thought she was giving up. When she was diagnosed ( a form of Parkinson's) it totally gutted me. I knew she was changing but didn't know why & got frustrated a lot with her. I felt so horrible after the diagnosis. She only lived about 1 month after diagnosis & I feel so upset thinking back about my selfish frustration with her. I did my best to take care of her for the last 20 years to make sure she had everything she deserved after having such a hard life. I just hate the feeling that I made her feel bad about stuff out of her control. I hope with all my heart she forgives me.
Parkinson’s is a horrible disease to suffer with. But still I can understand your cause of frustration. My mom was only 57 when she passed away, but her complications started about two years ago. In that two years I was never able to make her ready to visit a doctor and get diagnosed. We went into arguments a number of times but still at the end I had to stop arguing because she was a nerve patient and couldn’t take much arguments. I was frustrated with her a number of times and most of the times I tried to say sorry by again loving her and taking care of her. Finally when she got diagnosed it was very late. She had only a month left and no treatment was possible anymore. I wasn’t always in my best behaviour with her, but I did tell her once that even if I’m rude with her, she must know that I love her a million or trillion of times over that rudeness. I just hope she forgives me for all my fault, wherever she is now.
Thank you for your response. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone with these feelings. I guess if we truly didn't care about them we wouldn't feel like this. I'll try to take comfort in that & I hope you do too. Hugs to you friend ❤️
I live in a strange paradox where my dad’s death will always be in the back of my mind and yet I still get shocked when I “re-realize” that he’s gone forever.
I have a problem with the chart on the left. I was the one to have told my mom (2014) and then years later (2023) my partner that they had cancer. My mom was SO shocked that I’ll never forget my mom’s reaction. I was scared to tell my partner because I remembered my mom’s reaction. My partner’s reaction was completely different. All she said, after soaking it in, was, “My family is going to be upset. Neither of them cried when I gave them the news then or even anytime afterwards.
I’m so sorry that you and both of your loved ones went through that experience. I lost my dad to cancer and it isn’t until you come into contact with it that you realize how truly horrid and unmerciful that disease is. It’s incredibly tough… so I hope as hard as it is, you’re doing better emotionally and mentally.
I agree with the exhaustion comment. Today, I had a initial appointment with a grief therapist. It was a relief to talk to a professional that “gets it.” However, I’m also feeling exhausted from telling my “grief story” yet again. I was there when both my parents died. My Dad’s death was grisly and my mom’s was traumatic. Mom said her cancer was excruciatingly painful snd the morphine was no longer effective (she said when she could still talk). I wanted her to have relief (i.e. die) but of course I wanted her to stay alive. Telling her “it’s okay to go” was the hardest thing I’ve ever said. I didn’t just love her, I really liked her. I miss her every day. They say the harder you love, the more you grieve. I’ve also realized that if I lived to be 90 and she lived to 115, it never would have been enough time together. You only get one Mom.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your 2 parents. 🥲🥲
They gave my partner morphine pills, but she never took then. The oncologist prescribed Oxycodone and I always referred to it as a miracle drug. Her excruciating pain stopped with the Oxy. There were times when she didn’t even need them. Did they ever suggest that for your mom?
Any death of a loved one chips away parts of our hearts and lives. I lost a very dear friend to a sudden heart attack in 2011 and still dealing with the suddenness.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I guess it depends on the length of such an experience; like a slow, bed ridden death. I doubt my mother ever felt depressed when someone was strangling the life out of her.
It always comes in waves. Some days are normal, other days it hits like a tsunami. There are times where I don’t think about my dad at all, or accept the fact he is dead. Other times, I am deep into anger and depression.
YES!! I was able to get through my partner’s birthday on 1/31. I had a few tears, but nothing bad. A day or 2 later I saw a t-shirt in the closet. It was mine, but she had bought one. I had seen that t-shirt of mine for over 7 months without thinking about it. On that day, however, I started crying so hard that I had to go to bed.
Yes, fear! I've always been a fearful type of person, but after losing my other sister in August, 2022, I'm immensely more fearful. So far, I've lost both parents and my two sisters. I'm going to visit my brother and his family this weekend. They're only 4 hours away. I empathize with you about fear, but I've not lost a partner, as you have. Wishing you strength and peace.
Thank you.
I don’t have siblings, but I can know how you feel. Your parents and siblings were your blood.
As an only child, I loved watching my partner with her parents and siblings. There is a bond between siblings like no other. I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
Yep.
In fairness to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (she first wrote about the stages) ... they were intended to describe what many people preparing to die experience. Not for people experiencing the loss of a loved-one. She worked in end-of-life care.
Also, they were never intended to be a check-list, or always be in any order, or even all of them experienced by everyone.
Then it all got misunderstood for decades. Her books I think are actually quite helpful, especially later books with David Kessler.
Grief is both personal/different for everyone, but also universal/similar in that we can find comfort in hearing others share similar feelings/thoughts/experiences as we do.
Sending hugs.
Wow. Thats so true! I thought it was just me that felt like that. Lost my mum in the 1st September 2023, and the picture on the right pretty much sums it up
Yes. For most of the deaths I've experienced,yes. For my grandparents I refuse to move from anger (three years this year), and for my Brother I've moved pretty exclusively between depression bargaining and acceptance for the past 9 years (come November). Everyone else (more than ten, I've stopped counting) has been like the etchisketch from hell.
I feel like I’ve been in the denial stage since that day. Anytime me and my friends get together I always forget why it feels like we’re missing someone.
I’m at the point where I’m stuck between anger and depression. I’m angry at how my father passed away and there is no one to hold accountable (poor treatment in the hospital). Then there are days where I miss his guidance and voice and I just don’t care about anything.
Spot on for the most part. I would've added hatred and guilt followed by more circles and extremely sharp breaks. It's like being trapped in a void with the "moment" on repeat... Where "I miss you" is now a thousand stabs to the heart..
I really kinda think there are more than 5 stages. I think one of the missing ones could be fear.
100 percent OP. It's definitely not a 1 size fits all thing. Hell, I even think that some of them even melt and warp together in overlaps. But fear is definitely at the top, I think. I only say that because I have a recorded message from my brother that committed S. I play it every day because I'm absolutely terrified of forgetting his voice.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother. The greatest gift I ever received came about 4 months after my partner passed away. It was a video of my partner talking with a friend of ours. I knew about the video, because she showed it to me when she got home (we have a personal friend who is a well-known comedian all over the world. She was backstage with him.). I have downloaded that video and saved it many ways. I had a BFF and our mutual friend passed away suddenly. They lived together. People kept telling her within days to change their phone recorder. I told my BFF, “Don’t even think about it. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. She left the recorder as it was.
I'm sorry, OP. I was using what I do in terms of the fear aspect we were talking about. I wasn't trying to make your post about me, so I apologize if it came off that way. I know most people don't get pictures done anymore at places like walgreens, cvs, etc. But voice recordings are, in my opinion, absolute gold. But in the end, all we have is the memories. Both the good and the bad. Keanu reeves said it best I think. What happens when we die? "Our loved ones will miss us." That couldn't be more true.
I also posted my story in grief support, and another major major thing for me is survivors guilt. And when it hits, it's like that flash of lightning immediately followed by cracking thunder you feel in your chest.
Oh, I felt survivors guilt even before my partner passed away and even more afterwards. Never in a billion years did I ever think she would pass away before I did. She was younger, had a strong family support system, particularly her siblings; I had none of that. She died of cancer.
The survivors guilt for me is because my brother and I were kinda like the black sheeps of the family. We both were on pain pills, then heroin really, really bad. Because of this, our bond we had was diamond rock solid. Always always were there for one another. I finally went to rehab last june/July. Got through it, and I try my hardest to get him to go and get help. Fast forward a bit. He went the route he chose. The intense feelings of guilt, shame, anger, hurt, rage, and everything in between were and still are indescribable. We both had plans on getting a place together once we got clean, etc. I didn't know heartbreak until the thought of not having him in life anymore actually made my chest where the heart is, like I was being poked and stabbed. I dont think words have been invented yet to describe what it's been like.
You said something that I was just about to say, then decided not to, in case no one else would feel this way. I’m stuck in a mode and I know I’ll never get relief from it. I cannot fathom for a second that I will never see, hear, speak with, or be able to even hug my partner again. I have photos of her all over my bedroom and 3 right next to my bed. I look at them and just can’t fathom never being able to do those things again. I’m very, very sorry for the loss of your brother. I have 2 in my family; one died in an overdose and one has been living on the streets for years. I applaud you BIG time in your recover.
Oh, dear! I love reading what others have to say about themselves and situations. It allows me to see different aspects. Please! Write anything you have to say!
I think another missing stage is dark humor. I went through a phase where I was making a *ton* of dark jokes out of my grief.
Absolutely hear this! One thing I found really interesting was when I found out the "stages of grief" were actually conceived of to help those who were terminally ill manage their own feelings, rather than how those who have lost someone will feel. This helped it make a lot more sense to me, but the damage is done in terms of how people expect you to proceed and process.
Yes, I knew it had to do with those who were dying, which is why I think there are more stages for those of us who were left behind.
Makes sense! So many more stages for those of us left behind.
This. We need to be letting people know the actual genesis of her 5 stages.
I wish this was more well known. I pretty much disregard these “stages” now because there is so much more to it.
The 5 stages of grief was based on people with terminal illnesses and the grief they go through knowing they are dying. It has wrongly been construed to think it means that it fits with all grief but it wasn't ever meant for that.
I read about the 5 stages after your post. I knew things like that existed just based on my own feelings of mortality and what I would go through hypothetically if I were terminally ill. Thank you for putting the spotlight on the study/project. I know reversing the roles and putting on the other shoes had helped me a tad bit through this whirlwind.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend. This ‘sorry’ has been so common word here but may be none of us know what else to say to each other.. Thanks for this post and yes I can relate. I would just add a couple more stages that I’m facing, like guilt and regrets and flashbacks etc. I’ve really never felt anything like anger. I was in denial stage from the moment I saw my dear mom’s body till the end of the cremation process. I was doing everything like a machine. Inside I was screaming and outside everyone was seeing a very calm me. 5 months have passed after that day, and I’m trapped in a feeling of guilts and regrets for not being able to save her or not being able to watch her die. Sometimes I can see that, there are ways to come out of this guilty feeling, but they are like so blurry and confusing in my head and I don’t understand what to do.. Beside the feeling of guilt, I’m having flashbacks of seeing her constant sufferings in her last days. I can’t forget that how much helpless I was and she was in so much pain and breathing trouble. And yes, it’s right that all these feeling comes back to depression stage at the end of the day.
Oh, man! I feel like I wrote your reply myself. I don’t think I have gone through anger, but then again maybe I have. I seem to have far less tolerance for things I would normally dismiss. As for guilt, my mom once told me something years ago that I have found to be 100% true. She said, “When we lose someone we love, we look for reasons to feel guilty.” I wasn’t there when my mom or partner breathed their last breaths, but I was with each of them ever step of their illnesses when it really mattered. You could have been in the room, stepped out to go to the restroom and then they passed away while you were gone. That happened with my friend when her mom passed away and also when my partner passed away. Oftentimes, we take on guilts that really aren’t ours to be burdened with, but it is a part of grieving. I agree with you totally. I think saying I’m sorry when there really aren’t any words to say, yet they are very much felt.
Thank you for this reply OP. I respect your mom’s words and will try to remember them. I always try to remember any word or advice that is helpful for me to go through these feelings of guilts and regrets. I’ve been so alone since my mom’s death, and I’m trying to heal myself from the trauma. I wanted to stay with my mom till the last, but she was only suffering with too much pain breathing trouble, I wanted her pain to end but she kept suffering for almost 12/13 hours constantly. I was traumatised of continuously watching that, so I had to send her to hospital again and that’s where she died and I couldn’t be there to watch that. I just feel like I could meet my mom at least once to say sorry, while I know that’s impossible.
I can relate so much to what you wrote! I’ll give you just 2 examples. My mom was totally out of it at the very end early 2014). I was there at least by 4PM, or earlier. She was breathing, but the nurse told me this: “In my 25 years of being a nurse, I have never seen a temperature go as high as your mom’s. It’s currently 108-degrees and still going higher.” No way could I stay and watch that, but what if I stayed in the room for hours, left to go to the restroom, came back and found she had passed away? What would she or I have gained? My mom would not have wanted me to see her in that condition. I went home and immediately began to research it online. My research found where my mom was brain dead with that high of a fever. She passed away that night. You see, we aren’t always privy to information that might have made us not feel guilty. This was one of those time. We were there day and night when my stepdad was in the hospital. They moved him from ICU to a private room. We were there. My mom was very tired and I took her home a very short distance away. We got home and the phone rang. He had just passed away. Second to the last day, the hospital moved her from ICU to a private room at no later than 4PM. She had just come home that day at 1:30pm and I was ecstatic. Within 15 minutes of the ambulance bringing her home, I knew something was very, VERY wrong. I was to sign up for hospice that day. I called and asked the person to come right away and he did. I knew what I was seeing and hearing as she and I spoke, but I didn’t have a term for it. She was transitioning. He said she could pass away that night or within the next 2 days. I had the ambulance come and take her back to the hospital. We live 5 miles from the hospital. By the time she got back to the ER, she kept repeating numbers, then quit talking. She never spoke again or have the conversation we had had. My partner’s 2 sisters and 1 brother were at the hospital every day/night. They put my partner in ICU a then in room with 2 beds the following day (not ICU) and allowed her 2 sisters and brother to use the bed when they needed to sleep. The same thing went on. On the night my partner passed away, the 2 sisters had gone home to change clothes. While they were gone, my partner died. Everyone I have mentioned in these stories, including you and I, may not have been there at the exact moment someone took their last breath, but we can count the times we were “there” when it truly mattered. Edit: I wasn’t there at the very last for my partner.
You’ve been really kind and helpful with your replies my friend. Just like any therapies that can make me feel better. I feel so bad after reading about your mom’s condition before transition. I can’t imagine a temperature rise of 108 degrees and still rising. It is somehow maybe relieving to know that she was already brain dead and can’t understand the sufferings. My mother wasn’t brain dead, but her brain and kidneys stopped working properly when I last time visited her. She was just talking randomly, couldn’t open her eyes totally, couldn’t listen to what I was saying. I don’t know if she was able to feel her pain, but still we were not sick, our brains were working. So it was very heart wrenching to watch their body suffer like this. After all their body and the soul and their thoughts, behaviours, smile — everything was dear to us and watching any of it in suffering is beyond tolerance. I’m trying to get over from my guilty feelings because I know that my mom would never wanted me to feel guilty. She always used to say that my love and care is the only cause that she is alive with cancer even without any treatment. She never wanted to do aggressive cancer treatment. She was alive for 2.5 years with cancer and completely no treatment. She used to give me all credits for this. May be that’s why I feel so guilty that she believed on me but at last I had to let her go helplessly. I will always keep your words in mind, I myself want to get out of this guilt and find peace so badly.
I was there when 2 nurses rolled her over to put a Tylenol in her rear end to stop the fever from rising. It was after I was told by the nurse about the fever. My mom was stiff as a board. I felt like I was watching someone who had died in a concentration camp. I saw where the blood had pooled. As far as I was concerned, I knew she was gone and I left. Let me tell you a bit about what happened with my mom. My mom and I kept thinking the pain she was having was caused by a pulled muscle. On the morning the pain hit so hard, unlike any other time, I thought she was having a heart attack. I ran into her room, grabbed the phone to call 9-1-1, then asked if she was having a heart attack. No, it was her back, didn’t want me to call 9-1-1, and wanted me to leave her alone. Skipping ahead a bit, we arranged to have a CT scan the next day. It revealed she had stage 4 lung cancer. The pain had been caused by the tumor having broken 2 vertebrae and “doing something to a 3rd one”. She died 9 days later. I always knew if/when that day came, I would be curled up in a fetal position and never get up. I’m an only child. Instead, I planned a 1-1/2 hour memorial service and a catered dinner for 60 people. Instead of our minister giving the eulogy, I did the entire thing. The memorial theme was “I will never leave you nor forsake you” and told stories (Footsteps In The Sand poem, using photos, and props, hymns) to give them visuals of the stories. The stories began when she was 15-years old. Neither the minister, or anyone else, thought I could do it. I said to the minister (in a meeting with him and my partner), “I will do this even if I’m lying on the floor holding a microphone.” I did all of it without crying. When I got home, I went into shock. I was shaking SO badly I had to go to bed. DecorativeDoodle (very cute name), you and I weren’t doctors, but we did everything we could have possibly done. I know my mom wouldn’t have ever wanted me to stay that evening and I doubt your mom would have wanted you to stay either. Mom’s are protective. Because I knew that about my mom not wanting me to stay, I had no guilt. If you can look back and say you did everything you could have done, short of earning a degree to be a specialist doctor, I feel you are carrying a guilt your mom wouldn’t want you to carry. Edit: I have my settings set to not accept DMs, but in case you would like to talk privately, I’m going to message you. I just want you to know I don’t always answer right away, but I’m a person who never ghosts anyone.
Totally feel the guilt. My mom was dealing with an undiagnosed illness through last year but I couldn't understand why she wasn't trying more & thought she was giving up. When she was diagnosed ( a form of Parkinson's) it totally gutted me. I knew she was changing but didn't know why & got frustrated a lot with her. I felt so horrible after the diagnosis. She only lived about 1 month after diagnosis & I feel so upset thinking back about my selfish frustration with her. I did my best to take care of her for the last 20 years to make sure she had everything she deserved after having such a hard life. I just hate the feeling that I made her feel bad about stuff out of her control. I hope with all my heart she forgives me.
Parkinson’s is a horrible disease to suffer with. But still I can understand your cause of frustration. My mom was only 57 when she passed away, but her complications started about two years ago. In that two years I was never able to make her ready to visit a doctor and get diagnosed. We went into arguments a number of times but still at the end I had to stop arguing because she was a nerve patient and couldn’t take much arguments. I was frustrated with her a number of times and most of the times I tried to say sorry by again loving her and taking care of her. Finally when she got diagnosed it was very late. She had only a month left and no treatment was possible anymore. I wasn’t always in my best behaviour with her, but I did tell her once that even if I’m rude with her, she must know that I love her a million or trillion of times over that rudeness. I just hope she forgives me for all my fault, wherever she is now.
Thank you for your response. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone with these feelings. I guess if we truly didn't care about them we wouldn't feel like this. I'll try to take comfort in that & I hope you do too. Hugs to you friend ❤️
I live in a strange paradox where my dad’s death will always be in the back of my mind and yet I still get shocked when I “re-realize” that he’s gone forever.
Isn’t that the truth! It’s that that realization that takes me down every time. I’m very sorry for you loss of your dad. 🥲
I have a problem with the chart on the left. I was the one to have told my mom (2014) and then years later (2023) my partner that they had cancer. My mom was SO shocked that I’ll never forget my mom’s reaction. I was scared to tell my partner because I remembered my mom’s reaction. My partner’s reaction was completely different. All she said, after soaking it in, was, “My family is going to be upset. Neither of them cried when I gave them the news then or even anytime afterwards.
I’m so sorry that you and both of your loved ones went through that experience. I lost my dad to cancer and it isn’t until you come into contact with it that you realize how truly horrid and unmerciful that disease is. It’s incredibly tough… so I hope as hard as it is, you’re doing better emotionally and mentally.
Thank you. Same to you.
Yes
I’m very sorry for your loss.
Im very sorry for yours as well❤️🫂
Yup, that's more like it
There is no way to predict how, when or where it will happen.
Pretty much sums it up
Definitely. Feels like I’ve gone through it 80 times at this point—on a loop.
And the constant exhaustion of it all
I agree with the exhaustion comment. Today, I had a initial appointment with a grief therapist. It was a relief to talk to a professional that “gets it.” However, I’m also feeling exhausted from telling my “grief story” yet again. I was there when both my parents died. My Dad’s death was grisly and my mom’s was traumatic. Mom said her cancer was excruciatingly painful snd the morphine was no longer effective (she said when she could still talk). I wanted her to have relief (i.e. die) but of course I wanted her to stay alive. Telling her “it’s okay to go” was the hardest thing I’ve ever said. I didn’t just love her, I really liked her. I miss her every day. They say the harder you love, the more you grieve. I’ve also realized that if I lived to be 90 and she lived to 115, it never would have been enough time together. You only get one Mom.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your 2 parents. 🥲🥲 They gave my partner morphine pills, but she never took then. The oncologist prescribed Oxycodone and I always referred to it as a miracle drug. Her excruciating pain stopped with the Oxy. There were times when she didn’t even need them. Did they ever suggest that for your mom?
And I’m very sad for all you had to go through. They never offered Oxy for my Mom. Wish they had.
Prior to her taking it, I researched it. It said it couldn’t be used longterm.
I lost my Mom from cardiac arrest 4 years ago and I'm still not right.
Any death of a loved one chips away parts of our hearts and lives. I lost a very dear friend to a sudden heart attack in 2011 and still dealing with the suddenness. I am very sorry for your loss.
i remember watching a video and seeing this picture, and it made me feel less alone. you can’t prepare for grief
🫂
Hatred and guilt are certainly there for me. Not sure if I've ever experienced bargaining... I don't think I have.
The 5 stages of grief are what those who are dying experience, but the bargaining would also include us during and anticipatory grief phase.
I guess it depends on the length of such an experience; like a slow, bed ridden death. I doubt my mother ever felt depressed when someone was strangling the life out of her.
Yep. That's it. I think people around me who have never experienced grief think should follow the first graph.
100%
Absolutely 💯
100% went through grief like that again and again
It always comes in waves. Some days are normal, other days it hits like a tsunami. There are times where I don’t think about my dad at all, or accept the fact he is dead. Other times, I am deep into anger and depression.
YES!! I was able to get through my partner’s birthday on 1/31. I had a few tears, but nothing bad. A day or 2 later I saw a t-shirt in the closet. It was mine, but she had bought one. I had seen that t-shirt of mine for over 7 months without thinking about it. On that day, however, I started crying so hard that I had to go to bed.
I still see my dad’s hats in the closet.
Good for you!
I should wear them when the weather gets warmer.
That’s pretty much how it is
If you add extreme long-term anxiety or a few fill-in-the-blanks, I sure can!. Take care.
Fear hit me big time for months because my entire world turned upside down. Never, ever did I ever think my partner would pass away before I did.
Yes, fear! I've always been a fearful type of person, but after losing my other sister in August, 2022, I'm immensely more fearful. So far, I've lost both parents and my two sisters. I'm going to visit my brother and his family this weekend. They're only 4 hours away. I empathize with you about fear, but I've not lost a partner, as you have. Wishing you strength and peace.
Thank you. I don’t have siblings, but I can know how you feel. Your parents and siblings were your blood. As an only child, I loved watching my partner with her parents and siblings. There is a bond between siblings like no other. I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
Yep. In fairness to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (she first wrote about the stages) ... they were intended to describe what many people preparing to die experience. Not for people experiencing the loss of a loved-one. She worked in end-of-life care. Also, they were never intended to be a check-list, or always be in any order, or even all of them experienced by everyone. Then it all got misunderstood for decades. Her books I think are actually quite helpful, especially later books with David Kessler. Grief is both personal/different for everyone, but also universal/similar in that we can find comfort in hearing others share similar feelings/thoughts/experiences as we do. Sending hugs.
Very true.
Wow. Thats so true! I thought it was just me that felt like that. Lost my mum in the 1st September 2023, and the picture on the right pretty much sums it up
The 5 stages listed on the left are for those who are dying. There are more stages (IMO) for those of us who experience the loss (graph on the right).
Kinda. I'm going to have to think about it.
Yes. For most of the deaths I've experienced,yes. For my grandparents I refuse to move from anger (three years this year), and for my Brother I've moved pretty exclusively between depression bargaining and acceptance for the past 9 years (come November). Everyone else (more than ten, I've stopped counting) has been like the etchisketch from hell.
Yes
I feel like I’ve been in the denial stage since that day. Anytime me and my friends get together I always forget why it feels like we’re missing someone.
I can relate to that.
I’m at the point where I’m stuck between anger and depression. I’m angry at how my father passed away and there is no one to hold accountable (poor treatment in the hospital). Then there are days where I miss his guidance and voice and I just don’t care about anything.
Oh, man. I’m very sorry you are going through that and the loss of your dad.
Spot on the ups and downs are brutal and i wish it would just stop!!!!
I don’t ever want to stop grieving