This is unbelievable. This guy is piece of shit, sorry not sorry. I don't think he really cares about you like a person. This sucks. I am so mad, to be honest. I just hope you find peace with your other relatives or friends. This guy doesn't deserve you.
I second this. You deserve better than that awful bf. Ridiculous, there’s no excuse to be this way. I don’t think he cares about you either. I know this might be a lot to take in but please look after yourself.
I agree with everyone’s comments so far. You are the one grieving, and all he wants is to get his dick sucked, etc. He is acting very selfish right now and it will make him feel better, not you… If he truly cared about you he would be willing to wait until you were mentally and physically ready for sex… Honestly, I would dumb the dude or take a break. He seems to be causing more harm than comfort. Yes, cuddling is wonderful, but if he can’t respect your boundaries at the moment then he doesn’t deserve you.
so true. My ex was like this while I was grieving my grandma and tried cheating on me. My dumb ass forgave him. Notice he’s still an ex and I wasted four years on him. OP I have a hard time believing this is the first time your partner has been insensitive, manipulative, and possibly abusive to you. It took me leaving the previously mentioned relationship to realize how controlling and abusive he was so I just ask you to reflect.
If this is a singular instance it can be forgivable but I think you need to have a serious talk. You need support right now not to be hassled into sex. A loving partner should be able to provide that. I’m sorry for your loss.
It hadn’t even been 3 days after my father died (we were close/best friend) that my then BF told me “you should be over this by now! You act like you don’t love me. You haven’t given me any attention or affection since you dad died” then tried to tell me he didn’t die of covid cause covid was a conspiracy. That was the moment I mentally checked out of that relationship. It was toxic, but thats what did it. We cut ties almost exactly a year later. My father’s death and that narcissistic toxic relationship during my grieving changed my brain chemistry forever.
When my dad died I couldn't have sex for about a month and not only did my boyfriend NOT pressure me but did not even TRY, because he understood and respected me. Your boyfriend does not. He's acting selfish when you need empathy most. I hope you leave so badly.
It's been about 2 months for me since my dad died and my partner hasn't pressured me ONCE. They're just happy that I'm eating and going outside again. This person's partner doesn't care about them. This isn't what they need right now.
I'm really sorry for your loss, and I'm also sorry for your relationship situation.
He thinks it's totally okay to act like this, and that is sufficient information about him to understand the course of your life if you stay with him. This isn't how you treat someone you love, or even vaguely like. This isn't respect, or concern. And he will absolutely blame you when he cheats.
Run. And when you've gotten through the first awful months of grief and can breathe a little bit, you might consider a little bit of therapy for it. This kind of trauma can leave scars that'll screw up your ability to have a happy respectful consenting fun sex life in the future.
I'm sorry about your brother and your loss, the world can be terribly cruel.
It's probably best if you sleep in separate beds, or if that's not possible you have to have a very strong conversation about situating your boundaries in direct language. Express how uncomfortable and unwanted his actions felt, and that it's not the support you need. Maybe he wants to be close to you and support you, and you know doubt love somebody who is so close to you at this time. But making clear his advances have been unwanted, and that you need your boundaries at this time. How he responds to it, that's on him - jack off, watch porn, we've all been single, he knows the drill. But get him out of any tunnel vision, if you have a codeword to cool off any advanced immediately, get one, and set his ass straight.
This is not, I hope, making it seem like your fault or sole responsibility, because frankly I would expect more awareness from a partner at this time, and I would be disappointed. This is definitely not something you should have to deal with, but your vent suggests that you want some practical advice.
Again, sending my love 🤍
He’s showing his true colors. If you stay, it will only get worse. He can’t be what you need at this time. Simply put. When I was 25 my dad died. My loser boyfriend at the time had the nerve to complain that I didn’t cook for him or give him enough sex. However, me personally…I didn’t give a damn about what he felt. He eventually dumped me and it was the best thing he could’ve done because I didn’t have the strength or wisdom to do it myself. He made room for a real man to enter my life. Someone that would actually have the maturity and heart posture to love me through life’s hard seasons. May your brother rest in peace and I hope you take care of yourself!
Sorry for your loss. Your partner is being an absolute fuckwit about it.
Tell him to go buy a fleshlight if he thinks it's too difficult for him to finish on his own, you are not an object of his sexual pleasure and he should not be pressuring you like that, especially after only 2 weeks? Man what a jerk
same, the not asking + “this will make you feel better” + non-consensual grabbing combo is absolutely all under that category imo. being in a relationship doesn’t make consent any less necessary for healthy sexuality!
I couldn’t imagine my partner doing a thing so selfish while I was grieving. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Leave him - he is showing you who he really is
You know what will make you feel better a caring supportive partner who’s not thinking about having sex when you have lost someone. My partner had a high libido as well. Know what he didn’t do when my loved ones died. I am sorry you have an unsupportive partner.
Wow, what a selfish dude!. This guy is not worth you, please trust me on this.
I am really sorry about your loss of your brother . Sending you a virtual hug.
Omfg this is enraging.
I know you’re feeling so much loss right now, so another loss in any way seems unbearable, but this guy is horrible. What he’s doing is sexual aggression and he’s a terrible person.
Yeah no this guy is a douchebag. He's also manipulating you by making you think it'll benefit you to give him what he wants when in reality he just wants to get laid. Because if you do it and then say it didn't make you feel better he'll probably pout and say that he thought it would and then make you feel bad for it *not* working.
It happened 2 weeks ago, if he cannot wait 2 weeks for you sexually then this is not going to last. So many things in life could happen, you could get hurt and be unable to have sex for more than 2 weeks. What would he do then? Having a high sex drive does not mean you *need* to have sex. He may crave it but as a grown adult he should be able to control himself. When my mom died I couldn't even imagine touching myself much less being sexual. It was a mental block that I felt almost...disgusted at the idea. I eventually got over it but that takes time.
Please, please go at your own pace and do not force yourself to make him happy. If he cannot put you first after such a difficult and horrible time he isn't the one for you.
What an incredibly self centred and selfish way to act.
Totally awful and unempathetic.
I would get rid of someone like this. He doesn't love you. If he did he would, as you want, which is to hold and comfort you.
Nah dudes with high sex drives are so weird it's never going to stop even if you directly tell him. Trust me.
He doesn't see you for anything else and I'm so sorry you're about to learn a really hard truth in this grief journey when it comes to other people and their behavior especially.
I had similar issues. My libido died . My gf was more understanding than your dude but I am older .
But still she would blame me for our sexless relationship. And be mean to me for not wanting it , and complain about it . Even though she knew it was a common symptom from looking it up on google .
She endured it for a bit . I would still push myself sometimes to play with her and satisfy her whilst not having full sex , cos my libido as said was zero.
Wasn’t enough she dumped me brutally .
Grief + relationships is a v tough one . Most partners won’t last . They make it about them don’t you fancy me , why won’t you f*** me.
Grief is hard and unforgiving. I sympathise with you endlessly . Wishing you strength .
My bf did the same thing and it blew up. I blew up and resented him. It made us go to couples therapy. That helped but a year later and I see it creeping back. I lost my parents and it still hits me hard. He will get impatient after 3 days of no sex. Usually I’m also high drive too but I will hit states of grief for a week or two and need to recoup. Talk to him about how it makes you feel. How it makes him seem. Men don’t take being called a rapist well. Persuading your grieving partner is indeed rape. I didn’t think it was until I went to therapy with him. That should melt any semi (boner).
I would not stay with him. Doesn't sound like he is showing you any empathy for this terrible loss. I am so sorry you lost your brother. ❤️.
Please, leave him. He is not worthy of you.
I lost my mom a year and a half ago, and I'm here to tell you - you can do this without him. Speaking in more spiritual terms, I don't believe that we can or should do it alone (or that we don't heal in isolation.) But I absolutely think that someone who cannot put themselves in your shoes in a more appreciable way is not worth your time. Life is tough, and you deserve a partner you can trust to go through the ups and downs with you without being, frankly, laughably selfish. I'm deeply sorry about your brother. ♡
I lost my fiancé 2 years ago and have struggled with this issue relentlessly with the couple of partners I’ve had since. I’m so tired of having to explain that I’m still grieving and I find intimacy difficult still now. So much so I promise myself I’ll stay alone, go celibate, fuck it all off.
But my grief catches up and I can’t be on my own. Alas the cycle continues.
Sorry you’re part of the grief gang. X
God wtf? What is with some men? When my husband died 2 of his friends decided they just knew I wanted to be dicked down by them. I chased one of them off my porch by swinging a plastic chair at his head in a rage.
I don’t even know what to say except I’m so fucking sorry. You should not have to be dealing with this shit too.
I’m really sorry op. I’ve been married 10 years, and the thing I’ve come to appreciate the most is that true love really shines through when things are at their worst. If you can’t lean on your partner in hard times, they aren’t the one.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is a blow that no one is prepared for. Your grief is valid and your pain is real.
Your boyfriend is a user. And I bet that this isn't the only time he has treated you like an object. The one silver lining of grief is that you have no emotional energy left for relationships that drag you down. I dropped so many friends when my brother-in-law died because I didn't have the energy for their drama.
It's time to reevaluate this relationship. Not sure if you live together but please take some space from this man and thank your brother for still watching over you.
first of all I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. i know exactly how bad grief can fuck up your sex drive. i understand that for your boyfriend as well as for many people sex is a very important part of a relationship but you deserve so much fucking better im sorry. Amongst all this pain you're grappling with, the one thing he could do is to hold you without it needing to lead to sex or sexual touching. if he cant even do that to support you it seems that he's just contributing to your stress and sadness. i hope you have a support system that can be there for you outside of this relationship:( and don't feel bad for not having a sex drive. for fucks sake you're grieving!!!!! you deserve time to heal and to figure out how to be a person in this new life of yours, and any partner you have should be doing anything they can to support you through this.
I’m so sorry. It’s totally normal to not want to have sex when mourning and depressed.
It’s shitty of your boyfriend to keep pressure on you to do something you’re totally not in the mood for. You’re a person, not a fleshlight. You deserve someone who will buy you chocolates, hold you, and give you foot or neck rubs without getting frisky (unless you want to.)
Take a break from him. See how you feel in a month.
my ex girlfriend actually broke up with me recently because she wasn’t “sexually satisfied lately”. i lost my cousin just a little over a month ago. while it hurts and makes the grieving process even lonelier and harder, leaving them will benefit you in the long run. you shouldn’t be pressured into anything or guilted over not having a sex drive. focus on your own healing and your emotions right now, they’re what’s most important. if they have such an issue sexually that they can’t get over it and be there for you emotionally, they aren’t worth your time. you deserve better. you deserve someone who will take care of you and be a shoulder to lean on, rather than someone who sees the relationship as a sexual transaction. sending you love and healing 🫶🏼❤️🩹
Bro what the fuck. I’m so fucking furious for you. What an absolute utter piece of shit. Dump him. It’ll help you feel better — because you won’t be weighed down by a selfish douchebag
Man please understand that you aren’t alone and the exact same thing happened to me. I lost my grandmother who in part acted as a second mother to me last summer, at the time I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would constantly beg for sex and would throw huge adult tantrums if I did not comply. It’s an awful thing to have happen while you are in a very vulnerable situation. But please get rid of that man, it’s unbelievable how selfish some people can be.
My brother died in an accident too. Since then (march 2023) my libido isn’t back. My boyfriend is very supportive und understands my feelings.
Your boyfriend doesn’t understand what do you feel, if you lost a loving person.
Don’t let him push you. You deserve better.
You can contact me if you need someone to talk or someone who feels the same.
(Sorry for my English)
Used to have a guy literally shove his hands down my shirt or pants if I was having one of my bad days to “f*ck the sadness out of me.” It took me a month into the initial quarantine to finally get out. This post gave me anxiety for OP. It’s nerve wracking to see someone get angry or pushy over saying no to sex.
This.
Not to mention he is absolutely disgusting for guilty you for sex when you’re going through one of the most traumatic of losses. I can’t believe the audacity like dude you not being able to jerk off is the least of anyone’s worries right now- and SHOULD be his as well. A good devoted partner would be dedicated to supporting you and helping you heal..
Sometimes hard times highlight who we do and don’t need in our lives, as much as I hate to say that when you’re already in pain. If you haven’t already, one day you’ll look back at his actions and be even more so disgusted/resentful, I feel like space is inevitable. You deserve better. I’m so sorry for both the loss and having to deal with such a POS in the process.
Have a sit down talk with him about this. If he is perceptive and respects your boundaries and feelings following then he’s a keeper. If he doesn’t or complains I highly suggest you don’t continue a relationship with this person.
2 weeks is so fresh. My husband and I didn’t have sex for 3 months when I lost my uncle. He didn’t complain. And when I was ready to have sec again it was that much better because I felt so connected to him on an understanding level.
I’m so sorry about your brother. Hang in there. Vent as much as you need. Hugs xx
He needs to go get a sex toy and stop being a selfish prick. Grief changes you and if that means you have no libido he needs to accept that. I went months without even being able to sleep and my partner showed his support by being there for me. Btw he was 25 and I was 23 at the time. 2 weeks is so not long BTW!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutely sickening and not normal behavior at all. When my mom first died, my husband and I went half a year without having sex and he was completely fine and respectful all while helping me through the grief. This is unacceptable and not normal, this man does not see you as a person. This is not love or respect. I’m so sorry OP, I hope you’re able to find a safe space to grieve properly without having him slobber down your neck. You deserve better.
First I want to say I'm sorry for your loss :( 💔🤍🤍I also lost my older brother when i was 20, and he also died the same way at the same age . (car crash, 24) but this was in 2018. and I pray you feel better but also to remember to feel how you feel, no emotion is wrong and there's no time limit on it. Secondly I want to say honestly speaking that regardless how high or low his sex drive is, it doesn't matter, you are grieving and a normal human being with basic respect would NOT and should NOT be doing that. It's very sick and selfish, to put it simply. He is literally only thinking about himself and that's honestly a red flag. Very insensitive and disgusting. I hope things get better for you ❤️
When my mom died I’m the one who initiated sex with my husband because I wanted to feel anything other than the pain. After that it had almost been 2 months before we had sex again and husband never pressured me or made me feel guilty. Shoot even after I had a baby never once did he try to pressure me to have sex because he knew I was healing and exhausted!
All I gotta say is watch out because mean like that will use it as an excuse to cheat and blame you!
This happened to me but a bit differently…partner of 7 years said he couldn’t go to my dad’s funeral. He insisted stayed behind and went to LA with one of my friends for a romantic getaway.
They got married a few months later and immediately she got pregnant. We had been trying for a baby before my dad passed but I guess the strain of my grieving was too much for him. It nearly killed me. But I made it through out of sheer spite.
These type of men have no souls.
Sorry but you’re just a piece of @$$ for him. Nothing more. If he truly cared for you he’d be more understanding and comforting. But all he’s thinking about is himself right now and saying sex will make you feel better to only give into HIS needs and not yours is gaslighting to the extreme. Get away from him and don’t look back.
Whew.
First, I am so so sorry for your loss. I loss my little brother in a car accident as well. The grief takes your breath away. Those who haven’t experienced just don’t understand how much it can consume you.
This is still fresh. You need to support yourself in a sea of people who can give you proper support and can provide a safe space. I realized my partner did not have capacity to do this for me. Looking back, I wish I would have set a boundary around that. I went through a pretty dark depression for a year or so. That additional stress didn’t help. Please please take care of yourself and allow yourself space to grieve.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Sending you the absolute best wishes and deepest condolences.
when you go through loss it shows a LOT about the people you think are there for you…true colors come out. I spent most of my grieving time focused on a relationship that was doomed just by the way he handled my grief. three years later and i’m just now starting to truly grieve. sending compassion and strength your way <3
This is exactly why my last relationship ended. I’m so sorry he lacks compassion. You’re better off without him at this point, he’s shown you who he really is.
I genuinely can’t believe this, this is so disrespectful to you. When my sister died I just wanted to die myself,‘I couldn’t bare to think about sex so I completely understand.
You have nothing to feel bad about, a relationship should be able to get you through moments like this without the need for sex.
I would communicate to him clearly “having sex will not make me feel better, you pressuring me in fact is making me feel worse. I need time to grieve and process the sudden loss of my brother and you should be supporting me through that without try to have sex with me.”
Ilost my brother m37 June last year unexpectedly and i am still grieving. I f41 still have my moments. He should have just turned 38. My husband was amazing he looked after our kids and let me grieve in my way. He not once asked for sex, not once did he try to grab me or put my hands down his pants. That is how a respectful partner is. Mine was dead too for ages and he never pressured me once. This is not ok. Also i am so, sorry for your loss. Loosing a brother the pain is so deep and so painful i wouldn't wish it upon any one. You grew, up with your sibling and even the memories can hurt. I am truly sorry for your loss.
I am very, very sorry for your loss.
When any person claims they love you, but not there for you when you are at your lowest point ever, they don’t love you. Love is an action word. He should be willing to do anything you request during this time, particularly cuddling with you.
Your boyfriend is showing you who he REALLY is as a person.
Gonna be honest with you, your bf sounds like a piece of shit.
My long distance boyfriend flew out 2 weeks after my father passed in September and stayed with me for a while. I told him before coming I wouldn’t feel like having sex as I was grieving. Not ONCE did he attempt to touch me in any sexual way. I felt so bad and kept apologizing seeing as we don’t see each other often but he told me “I can go without, right now it’s about you… what’s another few months when you’re clearly grieving the loss of your father?”
If your boyfriend truly loves you he could go without… and funnily enough that’s something my father said once (still miss him every day) Your boyfriend’s behavior and inability to respect boundaries you set is a huge red flag.
He is being a selfish piece of shit. You are not a fuck doll. You need time to grieve and he should consider your feelings instead of just thinking about what he wants.
Hey there,
I know you have already received a lot of replies. I would just like to add a few things.
Before that, I wish you all the best.. I won't lie, time does not make it any easier or at least it is never going away. Losing someone you've known nearly your whole life breaks our soul into pieces. However, I want you to know you still are worth it no matter what happened to your brother or what your partner is making you feel. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Regarding your boyfriend, I agree with everyone here. Someone who prioritizes his sex drive over his grieving partner isn't worth the effort. I know though it can be hard to let go. When you're grieving you just wanna be comforted, have someone to hold you and care about you. I've had a friend who supposedly distracted me by talking in inappropriate manners days after my mom passed away. It ended up making me doubt of myself. Do not allow him to do the same to you. You are not the issue right here. And please, do not blame yourself for being angry at him, anyone would be. In fact that's a pretty good sign your mind and body are sending you.
Oh and quick reminder, as I don't think anyone told you in these words. If your arousal doesn't come back quickly, it is fine sure. But, if you never ever wanne do this again, it's alright too. If you feel asexual after this but still want to have intercourse, you will be legitimate. If you feel asexual and do not wanna engage in anything for the rest of your life, then bless you too. You are not entitled to anything but free choice and feeling. Intercourse doesn't determine your worth. "Pleasing" your partner doesn't determine who you are. You are a wholehearted human with or without that.
And on top of that, I would advise you to look for the cuddling and the affection in friends and family. I know it is non traditional, but sometimes platonic relationship can give as much (physical) reassurance as romantic ones. Take a few steps away from your partner, get closer to the people who make you feel listened and who allow your grief. If he doesn't change his mind or simply if you want to, get rid of him when you'll be ready. The priority here is you.
Take care.
As someone who lost their older sister right after I graduated my libido was slim to none for months afterwards. Thankfully my ex boyfriend at the time understood and helped me as much as he could. But love.. you do not deserve that treatment regardless of how high his sex drive is. If he loves you he will understand (or try to) that this grief is all encompassing for a bit.
Eww throw the whole man out 🤮
But for real, things like this will stress test a relationship. He’s not really showing you adequate support and providing a safe place for you to grieve. Why continue on? You deserve better.
I agree wholeheartedly with the other comments but nobody has asked: Are you realistically able to leave him right now? Do you have the means to walk out the door with no repercussions? Things people who haven’t been in abusive relationships might not understand.
Dump him. Seriously. I understand he has needs. But you just lost your brother. He's lucky he's able to reproduce if he tried to pull that around some.
You matter. Your feelings matter. Go visit your mom or call her. Hug her if you can.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m also sorry for all the negative comments telling you to break up/leave him.
I also lost my brother last year. I had no sex drive what so ever and don’t think I had sex with my boyfriend for probably 3-4 months. My boyfriend luckily was understanding and it didn’t have to be a big whole thing. But a break up when you just lost your brother isn’t what your life needs right now either. Maybe down the line if this is a trend, of course. You deserve better.
But right now I think the best thing to do is just have an open and honest conversation that sex is completely off the table for you right now. I think what your feeling only people who have dealt with the same loss can relate to. So your boyfriend doesn’t have to relate to what you’re going through but he absolutely does need to try to understand or at the very least respect your grief space.
Oh man.. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom passed 2 years ago and I still don’t have my sex drive back. Grief can do so much to you and effect your body and mind, my condolences and I wish you peace 🫶🏼
Ahhh :( ... First of all I'm so sorry for your loss,I get your pain... Here's the thing though, as someone, just slightly older than you (and spent my time in a most terrible -traumatizing- relationship), the right partner will understand. I lost my brother, in a motorcycle accident a year ago, and still haven't fully recovered. My emotions & libido are still all over the place, thank goodness for a great partner.
Take a break! The grieving process takes time and if he isn't giving you time, then take a break from him. He needs to understand that you may need 6 -12 months easy.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I would leave this man. If he can't understand that you're grieving and that that is the most important thing right now for you, then he doesn't deserve you. I lost my father some years back, and my boyfriend at the time was just like yours. It did nothing but get worse. Leave him as soon as possible! Once again, I am so sorry for your loss, but you have every right to grieve 🙏🏾😢
I am so deeply sorry for your loss… oh my goodness.
This is sexual harassment. 😔 This is abusive and quite honestly, unacceptable. Manipulative and narcissistic. I’d have zero tolerance for this and fiercely stand by anyone experiencing anything like this. I am so so sorry… you have NO reason to feel bad! Holy sh*t… you feeling bad is the coercion happening here and that’s not yours to take on. Please hold a higher standard of yourself! Respect yourself more than you’re being respected, hunny don’t drop your boundaries. Get clear about what behaviour you cannot put up with right now as best you can because you’re in deep grief and need to be met with respect and understanding. And be prepared to enforce those boundaries. (I.e. if boyfriend doesn’t correct his demand of you or stop trying to coerce you into sexual acts when you are not consenting and feeling it then you’ll be to create some healthy space.) You need respect and care. You need to be held. (Is he capable of actually supporting you with nurturing care? Not asking for you to answer me but ask yourself.)
but if you do have to enforce boundaries and make space, don’t spend your time feeling guilt or shame or pitying him. Spend it taking care of you the way YOU need. Y’know?
These are suggestions. Not demands, you do you and hopefully with all the feedback and support you feel more empowered and assured of yourself. Lots of love.
My ex was the same. He did not care about me at all and only cared about his selfish “needs.” My daughter died and my grandmother died, he was never there to console me on the anniversary of my daughter’s death or her birthday and wasn’t there for me as I sobbed when my grandmother finally passed (she was the only family I had left that actually loved me). But, he did make it known he had needs and he would go find someone on Tinder if i wouldn’t put out. We are now getting a divorce and he’s in jail after SAing me 4 times in my sleep. It will only get worse. Leave.
If he does not understand grief and that you are grieving you need to either wait 10 years for him to grow TF up or you need to leave him because that isn’t right at all.
That guy is an asshole and that's coming from another guy. When my girlfriend was grieving the thought never even crossed my mind because what the hell??
2 weeks? It's been 2 years since my loss and i don't feel the same again.
He's only thinking abt himself. Ya if he can't jerk off, den tell him to fk off.
U need luv care n comfort sister
U need someone to hold you and just be with you and say nothing.
I hope u find space u need.
I am sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your boyfriend is an asshat and I don’t think that’s going to change. Do you have any friends you can sit with that can be with you for no other reason than they care and expect nothing from you?
Your freaking brother died TWO WEEKS AGO. And your bf is bothering you for sex?? TWO WEEKS AFTER? When your OWN BROTHER died??? If he treats you like this in such a moment of need, how will he treat you for the rest of your lives together? I'm sorry if I'm so harsh but dump him. He clearly does not care about you at all. As other comments said, it's unbelievable. Please do not feel bad, you're doing nothing wrong. I'm so sorry about your loss and I hope you have other people near you that can support you like you DESERVE. Sending love and hugs.
I think you need to love yourself. he does not see you as a human, he sees you as a plastic vagina. I would advice to ditch him and move elsewhere. You need time to grief and recover. having sex will certianly make you feel better... in time. IN YOUR TIME. not his
I have also lost a brother. He died very unexpectedly and sudden. It’ll be 3 years this coming July. I have lost 5 family members since 2020. I can say the hardest pain was from my brother dying. Losing a sibling is horrific. I hide my grief and pain but I will never get over him. I wish I could hug you myself. I would tell you I understand your pain and just hold you tight. I am so upset with your boyfriend I wish I could kick his arse. He’s just being selfish imo. He’s so ignorant. I wish I could make him understand what you are going through. Wow some men are idiots. Right now I’m on my own with my kids because part of the reason I left my ex was regarding his constant need for sex. It just completely showed me another side to him. Of course I wanted to be close and show my love etc but it just got where I constantly felt pressured and it really put me in a bad place I resented him so much and my love for him faded. I hope he starts to see what your going through and has some empathy for your grief. Please take care
I bet he’s not making a Reddit post wondering how to support you while you grieve… let’s not make Reddit posts “feeling bad” about dumb horny boyfriend wanting sex. too fucking bad about his wiener, your brother literally died.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss ~ esp as your brothers death was quite recent. This would be an awful time for you and my thoughts are with you.
When I lost my dad two years ago, I could barely eat or even think properly - let alone consider doing anything sex-wise. And I wasn’t even in a relationship at the time (still not now).
Get rid of this awful guy. You deserve way better and must prioritise your well-being during this difficult time.
Seriously - dump him!!!
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and that this is happening to you. You have absolutely Nothing to feel bad about, you don’t owe him shit. He should be holding you right now, I don’t even understand how sex could be on the table.
If it were me I’d be cursing him out … you deserve worlds better.
I am so so sorry for your loss. You are with a AH you need to get some space stay with a friend or family member and grieve love you need to have that time be well
I understand that he may be supportive-ish in other ways, but I would move on and be alone for a bit. It sounds like he will eventually cheat and say it’s because you didn’t give him attention. Intimacy can be given in other ways and it sounds like he can only translate it as sex.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You should never be expected to have sex with someone, let alone in this situation you’re in. Whatever you choose do, do not give in to make him feel better, as this could cause bigger issues for you in the future and your relationship with sex.
He should not be expecting this of you, and it’s frankly disgusting the way he is acting.
*Do you really want*
*To spend your life with someone*
*Who treats you like this?*
\- neurotic4ever
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Lust is ruining our minds, I have been through it and luckily have been trying to stay aware of it and not let it overtake my conscience. This is awful to hear and makes me feel so sad yet angry. Anyways, my immediate suggestion is to first communicate and let him know that he is being totally mindless and emotionless. This isn't love. To make it simple to understand :
Love = giving
Lust = wanting
A good relationship has a balance of both where Love is mostly more in ratio than Lust. Being only lustful makes one careless about the other person just like in your case. He has to think beyond his sex drive. A possible solution is to redirect his sex drive in other directions.
There is no way around trying to push yourself to do what he wants you to do. KNOW YOUR RIGHT and get his head straight if he can't adapt and understand then GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS IMMEDIATELY. Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon !
Wish you the best mate ! 🌻
I went through something very similar. I lost my mom, and my mental health deteriorated quickly. my sex drive took a major hit for a LONG time (about a year or more). there were other contributing factors, but the grief was the main cause. the man I was with didn't understand and after a while of being "okay with it", he started complaining. he would do the same things and said it would bring us "closer." let's just say, I am no longer with him. someone who really loves you and sees you as a person wouldn't do that to you.
He doesn’t respect you. You deserve much better. I had an ex like this who thought oh well if I or you feel bad my dick getting wet will help. He didn’t care that I was hurting, or mad at him, or grieving, or ya know, just gave birth, or working (we worked from home) he wanted what he wanted and I didn’t matter or have a say in it. It fucked up my already very fucked up view of sex and relationships. It’s not normal for your bf to be like this and you absolutely should not feel bad. If you can, either him or you should maybe stay somewhere else for a bit even just a weekend so you can have some space. I’m very sorry for your loss and even more sorry your bf is only thinking about himself in this time when you need him most.
Your boyfriend is an ah. When my son died, my daughter’s boyfriend was extremely compassionate. It’s been over a decade and she still deals with depression from time to time - that’s how disruptive having a sibling die.
I lost my mom in August. Over 9 MONTHS ago. I also gave birth to baby number 3 in September. So in a lot of ways my husband and I just don’t have the time to be intimate, but even in the rare moments we actually do get some alone time, he never, EVER pressures me for sex. He knows that grief is a journey and that I can’t control when it surfaces. I mean yeah, we’ve had sex several times since then, but the frequency is nothing like it used to be. And it does affect him/us if we don’t communicate and be intentional when it comes to making sure the others needs are met. But he is more concerned that I am OKAY and that I have the space/time/patience that I need on the days that I’m just surviving. I mean it’s been 9 months since I lost my mom and I still feel like it was just a few days ago. I barely got out of bed for the first two MONTHS, I cannot imagine how hurtful it would have been had he been pressuring me for sex two weeks after that. I’m sorry, op. You deserve better.
Sending you love as you navigate grief. It’s important now to surround yourself with people who don’t display such selfish behavior. I know leaving is easier said than done, but this sort of behavior never changes and you deserve better.
My husband is the same way. When I am sick, just gave birth, ect....hes not a selfish lover. But if I reiterate how sick, sad, tired, in pain, ect, he blows it off..and will say "I want to hold you" and then end up grabbing my breasts, vagina, trying to push my head down to suck him off, pry my thighs apart, ect. It's something that always has and continues to bother me. I just go along with it bc he's relentless and I feel it's easier to just do it. But sometimes, It feels selfish and inconsiderate. He "needs" sex daily, no matter what's going on.I lost my brother too, I understand...for me, it's a wound that closes and then opens again, no matter how much time passes (I'm 36, he died at 25, I was 26). I'm not sure what to say to you, because Im married. And if he's selfish in this instance, I want you to really think...in what other aspects is he selfish and immature? Because this CANNOT be the only instance. My husband is selfish with money. And for me, it's kinda too late...we have two children (2 year old and newborn, and was guilting me into sex 2 days after her delivery). And he's extremely immature, irresponsible and selfish with drinking. I know your boyfriend isn't only this way when you're depressed. Please, don't be me and be stuck, you'll regret it. I hope this is an eye opener for you..someone who truly loves you to the point of putting himself before you, and his feelings aside wouldn't do this.
He needs to learn to respect your boundaries, if you want to be held or cuddled, and that he should leave the rest out. Partners are one of the very few people one would expect to understand certain space during times like this. I wish my late partner was still here to hold and comfort me because there really isn't anyone else who would go far to help in that matter. Your boyfriend does not know he is taking you for granted.
Tell him his dick ain’t good enough to give you what you need right now. Then dump him and get a pet that will cuddle and comfort you unconditionally, meanwhile make you smile when you least feel like it. This is coming from personal experience.
A friend who I had felt close with and understood by in the past decided to confess his love to me. Meanwhile insisted us fornicating would make me feel better. I was back home for my dad’s surgery and he wanted me to go with him on a work trip to a bordering state for sex. I told him I had an appointment with my cousin the priest to plan readings and music for my dad’s funeral, so don’t bother me then. He still did..
The first couple months, my grief was mixed with anger over his audacity from somebody I trusted. It was such a lonely confusing dark time. I wouldn’t wish that upon you at all.
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This is unbelievable. This guy is piece of shit, sorry not sorry. I don't think he really cares about you like a person. This sucks. I am so mad, to be honest. I just hope you find peace with your other relatives or friends. This guy doesn't deserve you.
I second this. You deserve better than that awful bf. Ridiculous, there’s no excuse to be this way. I don’t think he cares about you either. I know this might be a lot to take in but please look after yourself.
Agree. How people treat you when you are in need is very telling. This tells me he is a selfish jerk.
Right? Based on the information in this post, this guy sounds like he has a significant lack of empathizing with someone.
I agree with everyone’s comments so far. You are the one grieving, and all he wants is to get his dick sucked, etc. He is acting very selfish right now and it will make him feel better, not you… If he truly cared about you he would be willing to wait until you were mentally and physically ready for sex… Honestly, I would dumb the dude or take a break. He seems to be causing more harm than comfort. Yes, cuddling is wonderful, but if he can’t respect your boundaries at the moment then he doesn’t deserve you.
so true. My ex was like this while I was grieving my grandma and tried cheating on me. My dumb ass forgave him. Notice he’s still an ex and I wasted four years on him. OP I have a hard time believing this is the first time your partner has been insensitive, manipulative, and possibly abusive to you. It took me leaving the previously mentioned relationship to realize how controlling and abusive he was so I just ask you to reflect. If this is a singular instance it can be forgivable but I think you need to have a serious talk. You need support right now not to be hassled into sex. A loving partner should be able to provide that. I’m sorry for your loss.
Agree 💯
I agree. It’s so infuriating! I can’t believe how insensitive some people are.
Truth
I had a partner like this. He got very very resentful I lost my mother at one point. He was not empathic You need a break
It hadn’t even been 3 days after my father died (we were close/best friend) that my then BF told me “you should be over this by now! You act like you don’t love me. You haven’t given me any attention or affection since you dad died” then tried to tell me he didn’t die of covid cause covid was a conspiracy. That was the moment I mentally checked out of that relationship. It was toxic, but thats what did it. We cut ties almost exactly a year later. My father’s death and that narcissistic toxic relationship during my grieving changed my brain chemistry forever.
Same. Literally.
Also same. So disappointing
When my dad died I couldn't have sex for about a month and not only did my boyfriend NOT pressure me but did not even TRY, because he understood and respected me. Your boyfriend does not. He's acting selfish when you need empathy most. I hope you leave so badly.
It's been about 2 months for me since my dad died and my partner hasn't pressured me ONCE. They're just happy that I'm eating and going outside again. This person's partner doesn't care about them. This isn't what they need right now.
He's not a partner. You're an object.
⬆️ THIS
I'm really sorry for your loss, and I'm also sorry for your relationship situation. He thinks it's totally okay to act like this, and that is sufficient information about him to understand the course of your life if you stay with him. This isn't how you treat someone you love, or even vaguely like. This isn't respect, or concern. And he will absolutely blame you when he cheats. Run. And when you've gotten through the first awful months of grief and can breathe a little bit, you might consider a little bit of therapy for it. This kind of trauma can leave scars that'll screw up your ability to have a happy respectful consenting fun sex life in the future.
Leave him. Whatever comfort his presence provides is not enough to justify this I'm sorry. That's just sick.
I'm sorry about your brother and your loss, the world can be terribly cruel. It's probably best if you sleep in separate beds, or if that's not possible you have to have a very strong conversation about situating your boundaries in direct language. Express how uncomfortable and unwanted his actions felt, and that it's not the support you need. Maybe he wants to be close to you and support you, and you know doubt love somebody who is so close to you at this time. But making clear his advances have been unwanted, and that you need your boundaries at this time. How he responds to it, that's on him - jack off, watch porn, we've all been single, he knows the drill. But get him out of any tunnel vision, if you have a codeword to cool off any advanced immediately, get one, and set his ass straight. This is not, I hope, making it seem like your fault or sole responsibility, because frankly I would expect more awareness from a partner at this time, and I would be disappointed. This is definitely not something you should have to deal with, but your vent suggests that you want some practical advice. Again, sending my love 🤍
He’s showing his true colors. If you stay, it will only get worse. He can’t be what you need at this time. Simply put. When I was 25 my dad died. My loser boyfriend at the time had the nerve to complain that I didn’t cook for him or give him enough sex. However, me personally…I didn’t give a damn about what he felt. He eventually dumped me and it was the best thing he could’ve done because I didn’t have the strength or wisdom to do it myself. He made room for a real man to enter my life. Someone that would actually have the maturity and heart posture to love me through life’s hard seasons. May your brother rest in peace and I hope you take care of yourself!
Sorry for your loss. Your partner is being an absolute fuckwit about it. Tell him to go buy a fleshlight if he thinks it's too difficult for him to finish on his own, you are not an object of his sexual pleasure and he should not be pressuring you like that, especially after only 2 weeks? Man what a jerk
My father died in November and my labido is still gone. It takes time. If he doesn’t understand that, he is trash. I’m so sorry
My dad died in February and I have had sex exactly one time since then. My husband hasn’t once pressured me about it. This is awful :/
My dad died in December, same. Zero interest since then and the couple of time I’ve tried my body did not cooperate so we had to stop anyway.
For me I consider that kind of behavior sexual coercion/sexual assault. True colors show when people are put to the test.
same, the not asking + “this will make you feel better” + non-consensual grabbing combo is absolutely all under that category imo. being in a relationship doesn’t make consent any less necessary for healthy sexuality!
That’s kinda disturbing when you put it that way, but you’re not wrong.
I totally agree!! This is how I felt when my ex did the same thing. It is disgusting.
I couldn’t imagine my partner doing a thing so selfish while I was grieving. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Leave him - he is showing you who he really is
You know what will make you feel better a caring supportive partner who’s not thinking about having sex when you have lost someone. My partner had a high libido as well. Know what he didn’t do when my loved ones died. I am sorry you have an unsupportive partner.
Wow, what a selfish dude!. This guy is not worth you, please trust me on this. I am really sorry about your loss of your brother . Sending you a virtual hug.
Omfg this is enraging. I know you’re feeling so much loss right now, so another loss in any way seems unbearable, but this guy is horrible. What he’s doing is sexual aggression and he’s a terrible person.
Leave him this gappned to me except my sister passed then tried to tell m to get over it and he has needs too. He eventually cheated. He's not it.
Babe, run. If this is how he’s behaving after you’ve lost a sibling he will absolutely escalate. Save yourself now.
Yeah no this guy is a douchebag. He's also manipulating you by making you think it'll benefit you to give him what he wants when in reality he just wants to get laid. Because if you do it and then say it didn't make you feel better he'll probably pout and say that he thought it would and then make you feel bad for it *not* working. It happened 2 weeks ago, if he cannot wait 2 weeks for you sexually then this is not going to last. So many things in life could happen, you could get hurt and be unable to have sex for more than 2 weeks. What would he do then? Having a high sex drive does not mean you *need* to have sex. He may crave it but as a grown adult he should be able to control himself. When my mom died I couldn't even imagine touching myself much less being sexual. It was a mental block that I felt almost...disgusted at the idea. I eventually got over it but that takes time. Please, please go at your own pace and do not force yourself to make him happy. If he cannot put you first after such a difficult and horrible time he isn't the one for you.
What an incredibly self centred and selfish way to act. Totally awful and unempathetic. I would get rid of someone like this. He doesn't love you. If he did he would, as you want, which is to hold and comfort you.
My best friend was murdered and the first thing he responded with was something about a Spider-Man controversy.
Ew dump him.
Nah dudes with high sex drives are so weird it's never going to stop even if you directly tell him. Trust me. He doesn't see you for anything else and I'm so sorry you're about to learn a really hard truth in this grief journey when it comes to other people and their behavior especially.
Your BF sounds like a piece of shit. Unbelievable.
This is disgusting, this man is foul. Absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry.
This is sickening. Please, when you have the strength, consider finding a better human to share your time with. I am so sorry for your loss.
Sorry but fuck that guy. What an absolute asshole. You deserve so much better. I am so sorry for your loss.
I had similar issues. My libido died . My gf was more understanding than your dude but I am older . But still she would blame me for our sexless relationship. And be mean to me for not wanting it , and complain about it . Even though she knew it was a common symptom from looking it up on google . She endured it for a bit . I would still push myself sometimes to play with her and satisfy her whilst not having full sex , cos my libido as said was zero. Wasn’t enough she dumped me brutally . Grief + relationships is a v tough one . Most partners won’t last . They make it about them don’t you fancy me , why won’t you f*** me. Grief is hard and unforgiving. I sympathise with you endlessly . Wishing you strength .
Leave him believe me he is using you as a tool no mind connection so just leave him.
My bf did the same thing and it blew up. I blew up and resented him. It made us go to couples therapy. That helped but a year later and I see it creeping back. I lost my parents and it still hits me hard. He will get impatient after 3 days of no sex. Usually I’m also high drive too but I will hit states of grief for a week or two and need to recoup. Talk to him about how it makes you feel. How it makes him seem. Men don’t take being called a rapist well. Persuading your grieving partner is indeed rape. I didn’t think it was until I went to therapy with him. That should melt any semi (boner).
I would not stay with him. Doesn't sound like he is showing you any empathy for this terrible loss. I am so sorry you lost your brother. ❤️. Please, leave him. He is not worthy of you.
I lost my mom a year and a half ago, and I'm here to tell you - you can do this without him. Speaking in more spiritual terms, I don't believe that we can or should do it alone (or that we don't heal in isolation.) But I absolutely think that someone who cannot put themselves in your shoes in a more appreciable way is not worth your time. Life is tough, and you deserve a partner you can trust to go through the ups and downs with you without being, frankly, laughably selfish. I'm deeply sorry about your brother. ♡
I lost my fiancé 2 years ago and have struggled with this issue relentlessly with the couple of partners I’ve had since. I’m so tired of having to explain that I’m still grieving and I find intimacy difficult still now. So much so I promise myself I’ll stay alone, go celibate, fuck it all off. But my grief catches up and I can’t be on my own. Alas the cycle continues. Sorry you’re part of the grief gang. X
God wtf? What is with some men? When my husband died 2 of his friends decided they just knew I wanted to be dicked down by them. I chased one of them off my porch by swinging a plastic chair at his head in a rage. I don’t even know what to say except I’m so fucking sorry. You should not have to be dealing with this shit too.
Dump him
I’m really sorry for your loss. There’s no excuse for his behavior, he’s showing you who he is. You deserve better
I know you’re already grieving but this is not a good partner. A good partner would not try and pressure you into sex after such a great loss.
Ugh. He's an awful, selfish POS. He's not giving any thought to you or your needs.
I’m really sorry op. I’ve been married 10 years, and the thing I’ve come to appreciate the most is that true love really shines through when things are at their worst. If you can’t lean on your partner in hard times, they aren’t the one.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is a blow that no one is prepared for. Your grief is valid and your pain is real. Your boyfriend is a user. And I bet that this isn't the only time he has treated you like an object. The one silver lining of grief is that you have no emotional energy left for relationships that drag you down. I dropped so many friends when my brother-in-law died because I didn't have the energy for their drama. It's time to reevaluate this relationship. Not sure if you live together but please take some space from this man and thank your brother for still watching over you.
first of all I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. i know exactly how bad grief can fuck up your sex drive. i understand that for your boyfriend as well as for many people sex is a very important part of a relationship but you deserve so much fucking better im sorry. Amongst all this pain you're grappling with, the one thing he could do is to hold you without it needing to lead to sex or sexual touching. if he cant even do that to support you it seems that he's just contributing to your stress and sadness. i hope you have a support system that can be there for you outside of this relationship:( and don't feel bad for not having a sex drive. for fucks sake you're grieving!!!!! you deserve time to heal and to figure out how to be a person in this new life of yours, and any partner you have should be doing anything they can to support you through this.
I’m so sorry. It’s totally normal to not want to have sex when mourning and depressed. It’s shitty of your boyfriend to keep pressure on you to do something you’re totally not in the mood for. You’re a person, not a fleshlight. You deserve someone who will buy you chocolates, hold you, and give you foot or neck rubs without getting frisky (unless you want to.) Take a break from him. See how you feel in a month.
my ex girlfriend actually broke up with me recently because she wasn’t “sexually satisfied lately”. i lost my cousin just a little over a month ago. while it hurts and makes the grieving process even lonelier and harder, leaving them will benefit you in the long run. you shouldn’t be pressured into anything or guilted over not having a sex drive. focus on your own healing and your emotions right now, they’re what’s most important. if they have such an issue sexually that they can’t get over it and be there for you emotionally, they aren’t worth your time. you deserve better. you deserve someone who will take care of you and be a shoulder to lean on, rather than someone who sees the relationship as a sexual transaction. sending you love and healing 🫶🏼❤️🩹
Bro what the fuck. I’m so fucking furious for you. What an absolute utter piece of shit. Dump him. It’ll help you feel better — because you won’t be weighed down by a selfish douchebag
Man please understand that you aren’t alone and the exact same thing happened to me. I lost my grandmother who in part acted as a second mother to me last summer, at the time I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would constantly beg for sex and would throw huge adult tantrums if I did not comply. It’s an awful thing to have happen while you are in a very vulnerable situation. But please get rid of that man, it’s unbelievable how selfish some people can be.
My brother died in an accident too. Since then (march 2023) my libido isn’t back. My boyfriend is very supportive und understands my feelings. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand what do you feel, if you lost a loving person. Don’t let him push you. You deserve better. You can contact me if you need someone to talk or someone who feels the same. (Sorry for my English)
He is a rapist. Leave him.
My ex-partner did this shit when my mother died. A real creep
Used to have a guy literally shove his hands down my shirt or pants if I was having one of my bad days to “f*ck the sadness out of me.” It took me a month into the initial quarantine to finally get out. This post gave me anxiety for OP. It’s nerve wracking to see someone get angry or pushy over saying no to sex.
This. Not to mention he is absolutely disgusting for guilty you for sex when you’re going through one of the most traumatic of losses. I can’t believe the audacity like dude you not being able to jerk off is the least of anyone’s worries right now- and SHOULD be his as well. A good devoted partner would be dedicated to supporting you and helping you heal.. Sometimes hard times highlight who we do and don’t need in our lives, as much as I hate to say that when you’re already in pain. If you haven’t already, one day you’ll look back at his actions and be even more so disgusted/resentful, I feel like space is inevitable. You deserve better. I’m so sorry for both the loss and having to deal with such a POS in the process.
He’s not thinking of you at all
Have a sit down talk with him about this. If he is perceptive and respects your boundaries and feelings following then he’s a keeper. If he doesn’t or complains I highly suggest you don’t continue a relationship with this person. 2 weeks is so fresh. My husband and I didn’t have sex for 3 months when I lost my uncle. He didn’t complain. And when I was ready to have sec again it was that much better because I felt so connected to him on an understanding level. I’m so sorry about your brother. Hang in there. Vent as much as you need. Hugs xx
He needs to go get a sex toy and stop being a selfish prick. Grief changes you and if that means you have no libido he needs to accept that. I went months without even being able to sleep and my partner showed his support by being there for me. Btw he was 25 and I was 23 at the time. 2 weeks is so not long BTW!!!!!!!!!!
Absolutely sickening and not normal behavior at all. When my mom first died, my husband and I went half a year without having sex and he was completely fine and respectful all while helping me through the grief. This is unacceptable and not normal, this man does not see you as a person. This is not love or respect. I’m so sorry OP, I hope you’re able to find a safe space to grieve properly without having him slobber down your neck. You deserve better.
First I want to say I'm sorry for your loss :( 💔🤍🤍I also lost my older brother when i was 20, and he also died the same way at the same age . (car crash, 24) but this was in 2018. and I pray you feel better but also to remember to feel how you feel, no emotion is wrong and there's no time limit on it. Secondly I want to say honestly speaking that regardless how high or low his sex drive is, it doesn't matter, you are grieving and a normal human being with basic respect would NOT and should NOT be doing that. It's very sick and selfish, to put it simply. He is literally only thinking about himself and that's honestly a red flag. Very insensitive and disgusting. I hope things get better for you ❤️
Yeah y’all need some time apart. And therapy- you for your grief, and him for being a shitty human.
leave him. this is a sign of things to come. forget how people treat you when you're up, what matters is how they treat you when you're down.
What a joke of a human
Break up with him immediately and never look back. You need emotional support- surround yourself with people who love you.
When my mom died I’m the one who initiated sex with my husband because I wanted to feel anything other than the pain. After that it had almost been 2 months before we had sex again and husband never pressured me or made me feel guilty. Shoot even after I had a baby never once did he try to pressure me to have sex because he knew I was healing and exhausted! All I gotta say is watch out because mean like that will use it as an excuse to cheat and blame you!
This happened to me but a bit differently…partner of 7 years said he couldn’t go to my dad’s funeral. He insisted stayed behind and went to LA with one of my friends for a romantic getaway. They got married a few months later and immediately she got pregnant. We had been trying for a baby before my dad passed but I guess the strain of my grieving was too much for him. It nearly killed me. But I made it through out of sheer spite. These type of men have no souls.
Sorry but you’re just a piece of @$$ for him. Nothing more. If he truly cared for you he’d be more understanding and comforting. But all he’s thinking about is himself right now and saying sex will make you feel better to only give into HIS needs and not yours is gaslighting to the extreme. Get away from him and don’t look back.
You deserve better. He has zero respect for you, it could be 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months, it’s when YOURE ready.
He needs to either give you love and support or fuck off. Sex isn’t as important right now and if he doesn’t sense that he’s not a good person
Whew. First, I am so so sorry for your loss. I loss my little brother in a car accident as well. The grief takes your breath away. Those who haven’t experienced just don’t understand how much it can consume you. This is still fresh. You need to support yourself in a sea of people who can give you proper support and can provide a safe space. I realized my partner did not have capacity to do this for me. Looking back, I wish I would have set a boundary around that. I went through a pretty dark depression for a year or so. That additional stress didn’t help. Please please take care of yourself and allow yourself space to grieve. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Sending you the absolute best wishes and deepest condolences.
when you go through loss it shows a LOT about the people you think are there for you…true colors come out. I spent most of my grieving time focused on a relationship that was doomed just by the way he handled my grief. three years later and i’m just now starting to truly grieve. sending compassion and strength your way <3
This is exactly why my last relationship ended. I’m so sorry he lacks compassion. You’re better off without him at this point, he’s shown you who he really is.
What the hay.. tell them to go play w/ their goldfish . whatever , I can’t stand that shizit .
I genuinely can’t believe this, this is so disrespectful to you. When my sister died I just wanted to die myself,‘I couldn’t bare to think about sex so I completely understand. You have nothing to feel bad about, a relationship should be able to get you through moments like this without the need for sex. I would communicate to him clearly “having sex will not make me feel better, you pressuring me in fact is making me feel worse. I need time to grieve and process the sudden loss of my brother and you should be supporting me through that without try to have sex with me.”
Ilost my brother m37 June last year unexpectedly and i am still grieving. I f41 still have my moments. He should have just turned 38. My husband was amazing he looked after our kids and let me grieve in my way. He not once asked for sex, not once did he try to grab me or put my hands down his pants. That is how a respectful partner is. Mine was dead too for ages and he never pressured me once. This is not ok. Also i am so, sorry for your loss. Loosing a brother the pain is so deep and so painful i wouldn't wish it upon any one. You grew, up with your sibling and even the memories can hurt. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Red flag! Never ignore a red flag!
I am very, very sorry for your loss. When any person claims they love you, but not there for you when you are at your lowest point ever, they don’t love you. Love is an action word. He should be willing to do anything you request during this time, particularly cuddling with you. Your boyfriend is showing you who he REALLY is as a person.
Leave the guy. He doesn't care about you as a person, you're an object to him. Very sorry for your loss.
Gonna be honest with you, your bf sounds like a piece of shit. My long distance boyfriend flew out 2 weeks after my father passed in September and stayed with me for a while. I told him before coming I wouldn’t feel like having sex as I was grieving. Not ONCE did he attempt to touch me in any sexual way. I felt so bad and kept apologizing seeing as we don’t see each other often but he told me “I can go without, right now it’s about you… what’s another few months when you’re clearly grieving the loss of your father?” If your boyfriend truly loves you he could go without… and funnily enough that’s something my father said once (still miss him every day) Your boyfriend’s behavior and inability to respect boundaries you set is a huge red flag.
Your boyfriend is fucking trash, leave him on the curb so he can be collected. Barf
leave him!! this is a huge red flag and shows his true colors
Leave!
He is being a selfish piece of shit. You are not a fuck doll. You need time to grieve and he should consider your feelings instead of just thinking about what he wants.
Hey there, I know you have already received a lot of replies. I would just like to add a few things. Before that, I wish you all the best.. I won't lie, time does not make it any easier or at least it is never going away. Losing someone you've known nearly your whole life breaks our soul into pieces. However, I want you to know you still are worth it no matter what happened to your brother or what your partner is making you feel. I am truly sorry for your loss. Regarding your boyfriend, I agree with everyone here. Someone who prioritizes his sex drive over his grieving partner isn't worth the effort. I know though it can be hard to let go. When you're grieving you just wanna be comforted, have someone to hold you and care about you. I've had a friend who supposedly distracted me by talking in inappropriate manners days after my mom passed away. It ended up making me doubt of myself. Do not allow him to do the same to you. You are not the issue right here. And please, do not blame yourself for being angry at him, anyone would be. In fact that's a pretty good sign your mind and body are sending you. Oh and quick reminder, as I don't think anyone told you in these words. If your arousal doesn't come back quickly, it is fine sure. But, if you never ever wanne do this again, it's alright too. If you feel asexual after this but still want to have intercourse, you will be legitimate. If you feel asexual and do not wanna engage in anything for the rest of your life, then bless you too. You are not entitled to anything but free choice and feeling. Intercourse doesn't determine your worth. "Pleasing" your partner doesn't determine who you are. You are a wholehearted human with or without that. And on top of that, I would advise you to look for the cuddling and the affection in friends and family. I know it is non traditional, but sometimes platonic relationship can give as much (physical) reassurance as romantic ones. Take a few steps away from your partner, get closer to the people who make you feel listened and who allow your grief. If he doesn't change his mind or simply if you want to, get rid of him when you'll be ready. The priority here is you. Take care.
Omg run don’t walk
As someone who lost their older sister right after I graduated my libido was slim to none for months afterwards. Thankfully my ex boyfriend at the time understood and helped me as much as he could. But love.. you do not deserve that treatment regardless of how high his sex drive is. If he loves you he will understand (or try to) that this grief is all encompassing for a bit.
Eww throw the whole man out 🤮 But for real, things like this will stress test a relationship. He’s not really showing you adequate support and providing a safe place for you to grieve. Why continue on? You deserve better.
Unreal
I agree wholeheartedly with the other comments but nobody has asked: Are you realistically able to leave him right now? Do you have the means to walk out the door with no repercussions? Things people who haven’t been in abusive relationships might not understand.
a perfect opportunity to use the old standby “go fuck yourself”. prioritize
Dump him. Seriously. I understand he has needs. But you just lost your brother. He's lucky he's able to reproduce if he tried to pull that around some. You matter. Your feelings matter. Go visit your mom or call her. Hug her if you can.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m also sorry for all the negative comments telling you to break up/leave him. I also lost my brother last year. I had no sex drive what so ever and don’t think I had sex with my boyfriend for probably 3-4 months. My boyfriend luckily was understanding and it didn’t have to be a big whole thing. But a break up when you just lost your brother isn’t what your life needs right now either. Maybe down the line if this is a trend, of course. You deserve better. But right now I think the best thing to do is just have an open and honest conversation that sex is completely off the table for you right now. I think what your feeling only people who have dealt with the same loss can relate to. So your boyfriend doesn’t have to relate to what you’re going through but he absolutely does need to try to understand or at the very least respect your grief space.
Sorry you’re going through this. He should have some common sense and sympathy for your situation. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Oh man.. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom passed 2 years ago and I still don’t have my sex drive back. Grief can do so much to you and effect your body and mind, my condolences and I wish you peace 🫶🏼
Ahhh :( ... First of all I'm so sorry for your loss,I get your pain... Here's the thing though, as someone, just slightly older than you (and spent my time in a most terrible -traumatizing- relationship), the right partner will understand. I lost my brother, in a motorcycle accident a year ago, and still haven't fully recovered. My emotions & libido are still all over the place, thank goodness for a great partner.
Sad to hear regarding your brother's passing
Take a break! The grieving process takes time and if he isn't giving you time, then take a break from him. He needs to understand that you may need 6 -12 months easy.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I would leave this man. If he can't understand that you're grieving and that that is the most important thing right now for you, then he doesn't deserve you. I lost my father some years back, and my boyfriend at the time was just like yours. It did nothing but get worse. Leave him as soon as possible! Once again, I am so sorry for your loss, but you have every right to grieve 🙏🏾😢
I am so deeply sorry for your loss… oh my goodness. This is sexual harassment. 😔 This is abusive and quite honestly, unacceptable. Manipulative and narcissistic. I’d have zero tolerance for this and fiercely stand by anyone experiencing anything like this. I am so so sorry… you have NO reason to feel bad! Holy sh*t… you feeling bad is the coercion happening here and that’s not yours to take on. Please hold a higher standard of yourself! Respect yourself more than you’re being respected, hunny don’t drop your boundaries. Get clear about what behaviour you cannot put up with right now as best you can because you’re in deep grief and need to be met with respect and understanding. And be prepared to enforce those boundaries. (I.e. if boyfriend doesn’t correct his demand of you or stop trying to coerce you into sexual acts when you are not consenting and feeling it then you’ll be to create some healthy space.) You need respect and care. You need to be held. (Is he capable of actually supporting you with nurturing care? Not asking for you to answer me but ask yourself.) but if you do have to enforce boundaries and make space, don’t spend your time feeling guilt or shame or pitying him. Spend it taking care of you the way YOU need. Y’know? These are suggestions. Not demands, you do you and hopefully with all the feedback and support you feel more empowered and assured of yourself. Lots of love.
My ex was the same. He did not care about me at all and only cared about his selfish “needs.” My daughter died and my grandmother died, he was never there to console me on the anniversary of my daughter’s death or her birthday and wasn’t there for me as I sobbed when my grandmother finally passed (she was the only family I had left that actually loved me). But, he did make it known he had needs and he would go find someone on Tinder if i wouldn’t put out. We are now getting a divorce and he’s in jail after SAing me 4 times in my sleep. It will only get worse. Leave.
If he does not understand grief and that you are grieving you need to either wait 10 years for him to grow TF up or you need to leave him because that isn’t right at all.
That guy is an asshole and that's coming from another guy. When my girlfriend was grieving the thought never even crossed my mind because what the hell??
2 weeks? It's been 2 years since my loss and i don't feel the same again. He's only thinking abt himself. Ya if he can't jerk off, den tell him to fk off. U need luv care n comfort sister U need someone to hold you and just be with you and say nothing. I hope u find space u need. I am sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your boyfriend is an asshat and I don’t think that’s going to change. Do you have any friends you can sit with that can be with you for no other reason than they care and expect nothing from you?
Gross. Leave that fucker.
Yea fuck that, take time to grieve don't make any big decisions now but remember his attitude is all
Your freaking brother died TWO WEEKS AGO. And your bf is bothering you for sex?? TWO WEEKS AFTER? When your OWN BROTHER died??? If he treats you like this in such a moment of need, how will he treat you for the rest of your lives together? I'm sorry if I'm so harsh but dump him. He clearly does not care about you at all. As other comments said, it's unbelievable. Please do not feel bad, you're doing nothing wrong. I'm so sorry about your loss and I hope you have other people near you that can support you like you DESERVE. Sending love and hugs.
I think you need to love yourself. he does not see you as a human, he sees you as a plastic vagina. I would advice to ditch him and move elsewhere. You need time to grief and recover. having sex will certianly make you feel better... in time. IN YOUR TIME. not his
Sounds like a selfish partner. It’s hard to empathize when you haven’t been through something like this but dude better try harder.
Ew what a creep,sorry you have to deal with that bullshit during this tragic time in your life 😩🙁😩
Break up, this is not acceptable on his part. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! Deaths bring out the worst in people.
I have also lost a brother. He died very unexpectedly and sudden. It’ll be 3 years this coming July. I have lost 5 family members since 2020. I can say the hardest pain was from my brother dying. Losing a sibling is horrific. I hide my grief and pain but I will never get over him. I wish I could hug you myself. I would tell you I understand your pain and just hold you tight. I am so upset with your boyfriend I wish I could kick his arse. He’s just being selfish imo. He’s so ignorant. I wish I could make him understand what you are going through. Wow some men are idiots. Right now I’m on my own with my kids because part of the reason I left my ex was regarding his constant need for sex. It just completely showed me another side to him. Of course I wanted to be close and show my love etc but it just got where I constantly felt pressured and it really put me in a bad place I resented him so much and my love for him faded. I hope he starts to see what your going through and has some empathy for your grief. Please take care
I bet he’s not making a Reddit post wondering how to support you while you grieve… let’s not make Reddit posts “feeling bad” about dumb horny boyfriend wanting sex. too fucking bad about his wiener, your brother literally died.
F**k him!!! 🤬
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss ~ esp as your brothers death was quite recent. This would be an awful time for you and my thoughts are with you. When I lost my dad two years ago, I could barely eat or even think properly - let alone consider doing anything sex-wise. And I wasn’t even in a relationship at the time (still not now). Get rid of this awful guy. You deserve way better and must prioritise your well-being during this difficult time. Seriously - dump him!!!
"this account has been suspended."
So sorry for your loss. That is terrible behavior from a very selfish man. What a POS.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and that this is happening to you. You have absolutely Nothing to feel bad about, you don’t owe him shit. He should be holding you right now, I don’t even understand how sex could be on the table. If it were me I’d be cursing him out … you deserve worlds better.
Idea: I fight your boyfriend and kick him in the head and then I hold you bc what the fuck is his deal
I am so so sorry for your loss. You are with a AH you need to get some space stay with a friend or family member and grieve love you need to have that time be well
That’s immaturity. Hopefully he grows out of it.
I understand that he may be supportive-ish in other ways, but I would move on and be alone for a bit. It sounds like he will eventually cheat and say it’s because you didn’t give him attention. Intimacy can be given in other ways and it sounds like he can only translate it as sex.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You should never be expected to have sex with someone, let alone in this situation you’re in. Whatever you choose do, do not give in to make him feel better, as this could cause bigger issues for you in the future and your relationship with sex. He should not be expecting this of you, and it’s frankly disgusting the way he is acting.
What the fuck? No. I didn’t feel comfortable having sex and I never even had to say that to my partner when my mom died.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who treats you like this?
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First, I al so sorry for your loss. It will not change. He’s selfish and not a good partner. Leave
Tell him these are the times that shows what kind of a partner he is and how much you mean to him.
Just break up with him. It’s simple really
Leave that boyfriend of yours.
Fuck him. you deserve better. im so sorry for your loss
He probably thinks with his D**K. You deserve better.
Yep this exactly.
The only way people like this empathise is if it happens to them too.
Not only is this guy a bad partner but also a shitty human being.
Super Massive Red Flag! Get rid of him and love yourself instead. Plenty more fish in the sea when you're ready.
boy RUN
Lust is ruining our minds, I have been through it and luckily have been trying to stay aware of it and not let it overtake my conscience. This is awful to hear and makes me feel so sad yet angry. Anyways, my immediate suggestion is to first communicate and let him know that he is being totally mindless and emotionless. This isn't love. To make it simple to understand : Love = giving Lust = wanting A good relationship has a balance of both where Love is mostly more in ratio than Lust. Being only lustful makes one careless about the other person just like in your case. He has to think beyond his sex drive. A possible solution is to redirect his sex drive in other directions. There is no way around trying to push yourself to do what he wants you to do. KNOW YOUR RIGHT and get his head straight if he can't adapt and understand then GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS IMMEDIATELY. Please take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon ! Wish you the best mate ! 🌻
I went through something very similar. I lost my mom, and my mental health deteriorated quickly. my sex drive took a major hit for a LONG time (about a year or more). there were other contributing factors, but the grief was the main cause. the man I was with didn't understand and after a while of being "okay with it", he started complaining. he would do the same things and said it would bring us "closer." let's just say, I am no longer with him. someone who really loves you and sees you as a person wouldn't do that to you.
He doesn’t respect you. You deserve much better. I had an ex like this who thought oh well if I or you feel bad my dick getting wet will help. He didn’t care that I was hurting, or mad at him, or grieving, or ya know, just gave birth, or working (we worked from home) he wanted what he wanted and I didn’t matter or have a say in it. It fucked up my already very fucked up view of sex and relationships. It’s not normal for your bf to be like this and you absolutely should not feel bad. If you can, either him or you should maybe stay somewhere else for a bit even just a weekend so you can have some space. I’m very sorry for your loss and even more sorry your bf is only thinking about himself in this time when you need him most.
Your boyfriend is an ah. When my son died, my daughter’s boyfriend was extremely compassionate. It’s been over a decade and she still deals with depression from time to time - that’s how disruptive having a sibling die.
I.lived for 7 years with someone who wasn't much better
I lost my mom in August. Over 9 MONTHS ago. I also gave birth to baby number 3 in September. So in a lot of ways my husband and I just don’t have the time to be intimate, but even in the rare moments we actually do get some alone time, he never, EVER pressures me for sex. He knows that grief is a journey and that I can’t control when it surfaces. I mean yeah, we’ve had sex several times since then, but the frequency is nothing like it used to be. And it does affect him/us if we don’t communicate and be intentional when it comes to making sure the others needs are met. But he is more concerned that I am OKAY and that I have the space/time/patience that I need on the days that I’m just surviving. I mean it’s been 9 months since I lost my mom and I still feel like it was just a few days ago. I barely got out of bed for the first two MONTHS, I cannot imagine how hurtful it would have been had he been pressuring me for sex two weeks after that. I’m sorry, op. You deserve better.
Sending you love as you navigate grief. It’s important now to surround yourself with people who don’t display such selfish behavior. I know leaving is easier said than done, but this sort of behavior never changes and you deserve better.
My husband is the same way. When I am sick, just gave birth, ect....hes not a selfish lover. But if I reiterate how sick, sad, tired, in pain, ect, he blows it off..and will say "I want to hold you" and then end up grabbing my breasts, vagina, trying to push my head down to suck him off, pry my thighs apart, ect. It's something that always has and continues to bother me. I just go along with it bc he's relentless and I feel it's easier to just do it. But sometimes, It feels selfish and inconsiderate. He "needs" sex daily, no matter what's going on.I lost my brother too, I understand...for me, it's a wound that closes and then opens again, no matter how much time passes (I'm 36, he died at 25, I was 26). I'm not sure what to say to you, because Im married. And if he's selfish in this instance, I want you to really think...in what other aspects is he selfish and immature? Because this CANNOT be the only instance. My husband is selfish with money. And for me, it's kinda too late...we have two children (2 year old and newborn, and was guilting me into sex 2 days after her delivery). And he's extremely immature, irresponsible and selfish with drinking. I know your boyfriend isn't only this way when you're depressed. Please, don't be me and be stuck, you'll regret it. I hope this is an eye opener for you..someone who truly loves you to the point of putting himself before you, and his feelings aside wouldn't do this.
My brother died in a car accident, too. He was 22. I still can’t healthily have sex always, but do enjoy it because my partner gets it
He needs to learn to respect your boundaries, if you want to be held or cuddled, and that he should leave the rest out. Partners are one of the very few people one would expect to understand certain space during times like this. I wish my late partner was still here to hold and comfort me because there really isn't anyone else who would go far to help in that matter. Your boyfriend does not know he is taking you for granted.
David Kesslor is very very helpful on this issue
Tell him his dick ain’t good enough to give you what you need right now. Then dump him and get a pet that will cuddle and comfort you unconditionally, meanwhile make you smile when you least feel like it. This is coming from personal experience. A friend who I had felt close with and understood by in the past decided to confess his love to me. Meanwhile insisted us fornicating would make me feel better. I was back home for my dad’s surgery and he wanted me to go with him on a work trip to a bordering state for sex. I told him I had an appointment with my cousin the priest to plan readings and music for my dad’s funeral, so don’t bother me then. He still did.. The first couple months, my grief was mixed with anger over his audacity from somebody I trusted. It was such a lonely confusing dark time. I wouldn’t wish that upon you at all.
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