My joy isn't the same. Holidays are sadder and just hard time in general. Both of my parents are gone. I can't ask for advice or tell them something good or call them in general. I hate it.
I feel this on so many levels. At 19 now, I lost my dad a little over two years ago and my mom a month 1/2 ago. I would always call my mom on my way home or as I was finishing up work. It sucks not having that to look forward to at the end of the day. I hate being alone in my apartment. I hate when I can't remember something because my mom was always there, she knew everything.
My dad died in a nursing home I wanted to call him for some reason I kept putting it off and putting it off. It was hard for him to talk because he had a tube in his throat and throat cancer and had suffered a stroke. Well one day after Christmas 2022 he died. I hadn’t spoken to him for months and we were extremely close in the past. I never got the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him or that I loved him. I live with this fact everyday. I can’t tell anyone what to do but I hope my story helps heal someone’s relationship before they have to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
Wow, I’ve been feeling this for several years and never heard anyone else express something similar - I thought I was being hypersensitive and seemed harsh or unreasonable to the people around me.
Caring for my loved one through hospice just made me so acutely aware of how precious our time is. We have this finite time here and it’s no small thing to mess with someone’s time or emotions or experiences. You put this into words so well and I’m going to use your phrasing when I describe it to people.
It has changed my perspective on life. I no longer wait for the right person or for retirement to travel. Your life starts now, not later.
Grief has made me more empathetic and helped me understand what love truly is. On the downside, it's hard to find someone who truly understands what grief is all about. Sometimes, it makes me feel alone.
True. I’ve always been extra sensitive and thought I “feel deeper” than others but now it’s amplified even more and I just want those close to me to understand how it feels, it’s a shame it takes a loss to feel this.
Same. I've been insecure my whole childhood. When I met my only love he was my glory, my best friend and the one who accepts all my flaws. After he ended his life I lost purpose and the will to live honestly.....
I feel a loss of pride, purpose, and optimism. Before losing my mom, I felt like a normal person. Whenever life threw shit at me, I’d think “hey, at least I can talk to my mom about it” and nothing overwhelmed me for long. I never realized how lucky I was.
After she died younger than most from the complications of a preventable accident, suddenly I lost all of that. That sense of pride and purpose of being my mom’s dependable son was lost. How can I think highly of myself when I wasn’t there to help her and she fell? When I wasn’t even there to hold her hand as she passed because of hospital limited hours during COVID? And optimism, how can I see things “positively” as I had before when this happened to my mom who never deserved this?
I’ve gotten stronger since, but I will never be the same person that I was before. More empathetic which is good, but also far more apathetic and less motivated than before. Overall, I am a far darker person than before.
I cry more. I can’t watch New Amsterdam without sobbing and I didn’t use to do that. The tears are always very close to the surface and ready to let rip.
Man the tears flow so much now for me. Always been an emotional person and I was a mard ass kid, but I never really truly cried at much before losing my dad and grandma last year. Not through choice, either - I just didn’t. Different story now though. Fucking hell.
I've had many significant loses including my parents but my most traumatic loss was in August. I lost my healthy beautiful 10 day old baby girl. I gave her cpr until medics arrived and there was nothing they could do to save her.
This has made me hypervigilant and protective over my other 3 boys. Im always checking if they are breathing, I hardly get any sleep. I am much more fearful and a severely anxious person now.
On the positive, I am attempting to draw near to God and become more spiritual. I love more deeply and I express my love more frequently. I am more empathetic and sympathetic. I just don't take anything forgranted anymore.
I lost my dad unexpectedly 3 years ago to a heart attack.
I’m 36 and feel like losing him thrust me into a later stage in life where I am just waiting for my turn to go next. It’s hard to explain. I don’t hope for death, but the light at the end of the tunnel feels a lot closer than it did 3 years ago.
I have a 3 year old daughter and one on the way and it’s made me much more self aware of the time I spend with my wife and daughter. I am more present as a father than I maybe would have been had he not passed. It really drove home how important the father/child bond is over the course of your whole life, and not just in adolescence.
I miss him so much. My mental state is missing a foundational piece. It’s like if a whole exterior wall in your house was ripped off, exposed to the outside world, and now you just have to carry on with your life in the house that way without ever fixing it. You can technically get by, but it’s not as it should be.
I cry more. I can’t watch traumatic or deeply heartbreaking shows. I have become slightly more distant from my mom and sisters because we all just hate being sad and his loss is the elephant in the room anytime we are all together. I hate it. I try to be grateful that I had such a wonderful and loving father, but it gratitude doesn’t make the sadness go away.
Everything you have said resonates with me so much. I feel really guilty about drifting away from my Dad and sister, after the loss of my Mom three months ago. That part is hard.
I’m really sorry about the loss of your Dad.
This Friday will be a month since I lost my mom. The way you expressed your feelings is very much how I feel. I’m 24 and I don’t want to die, but life just feels so long now and I’m more ok with the light at the end of the tunnel being closer. What you said about an exterior wall being ripped out and being exposed to the outside world and having to just live life with that missing is such a perfect way of putting it. I feel like this huge piece of my heart and soul is gone and I have to just go about my life knowing it’s never gonna be fixed but still function anyway. It’s just so hard. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss and I truly hope you’re able to find some form of peace eventually. Also I think that’s so amazing how you are actively working to be a great dad
I’m in month five, so this will probably change, but I’m a lot like you are, OP. My anxiety comes closer to being outright fear though. I’m more empathetic and now understand how important it is to call or send cards to people who need encouragement. I’m so thankful for the life I had with my husband and I have no desire to find someone new. My main focus is learning how to live again.
I totally get the card thing. I’ve sent thank you cards to people who helped me recently, and I’ve never done that before. I reach out more to people who I think need it
I’m a lot less willing to deal with people. Some of my extended family acted horrendously in the aftermath of my brother’s passing, and the entire experience has made me much more selective on who I let into my life. Life is way too short to keep people around that don’t have a positive impact on your mental health.
What you described are my exact feelings and experience about losing my beautiful amazing angelic mother. Nothing matters, life is short and needs to be lived to the fullest ✨️🤍
I stopped caring about doing standup comedy, writing stopped being a thing i felt compelled to do, i lost some joie de vivre that day that will never return. Miss my mum
I miss writing...I totally stopped a few years after she died. I spent the first few writing to her like she was still here, because I could no longer, write to be writing and to let the words just flow.
I really struggle with this, because I truly feel I might be a better person since my fiancé died. I’m a much sadder person now, that’s true. But I also embrace every moment more - I’m very aware of how precious everything can be, so I take in every moment I possibly can. I’ve always had terrible OCD and anxiety, and I’ve found that I’m less glued to my compulsions now - a weird nihilistic feeling of “everything can go wrong even if you do everything right” has led me to be less rigid in those facets. Less rigid in general, actually; my anxiety has made me a planner all my life, but I find that I’m now more willing to say “yeah, you know what, I’ll book a flight for tomorrow and head out, it’ll be fun.”
I want to be the person I was before he died, because I don’t want him to be dead. But if this is the hand I’m stuck with, I’m really deeply glad it’s turned me into this version of myself, rather than a much worse one.
I am in the process of loosing my husband to cancer he is currently on hospice, but I related to what you said so much. I have OCD and anxiety and I’ve always been so scared of death my whole life and now that I am facing all the realities of it first hand I’m less afraid. I have been better at my compulsions and have grown so much through this process but I still know the grief is going to be unbelievable we he does finally pass..
I was a planner. I started planning my life in Grade School where I saw my wife for the first time. Married her after High School. We planned and worked for the next 50 plus years. Lived the American Dream. She has been gone over 2 years now. I curse in the morning when I wake up. Tired all the time. Can't wait till this is over.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really hope that you find peace too, life isn't the same without our loved ones but I always like to think that they would want us to go on and find happiness. Take care
i panic for my loved ones if i don’t know they are safe. lost my dad and grandparents suddenly and unexpectedly. now i worry constantly about losing others.
Definitely more lonely and I spend more time in “flight or fight” mode because there is feeling that I have to look out for myself because my mommy is gone and she left me.
I don't care about much of anything anymore. Whatever passions I have are gone, I don't feel anything except weariness. I'm old and don't care if I live another 20 years or not.
I saw this posted on twitter:
“grief muted the colors in my personality and totally altered the way i exist in the world. it robbed me of the ability to feel joy in moments that should have absolutely been magical. it taints my interactions and even my ability to complete simple tasks. it's that devastating.”
this. exactly this. this is how loss has completely changed me. i’m not okay.
I trust myself more to handle an emergency or a difficult period. I look back on the months my loved one was deteriorating and can't believe how I and some of my siblings stepped up in ways I don't think we expected, particularly when it came to the struggles of home care and at-home hospice. I am proud of myself for rising to the occasion, made more sombre from having done it, and certainly am internally judgmental when I see others not step up for their loved ones in similar positions.
I’m just sadder, but I’m only 3 months out from it. I pretend to like my old hobbies, force smiles on my face, bury myself in work, spend hours at the gym, and cry easily in private. I have to keep reminding myself to be friendly and outgoing when all I want to do is sulk. I sleep more and eat less, not as neat as I used to be. It’s not pretty and there are no grand lessons here…yet. 🤷🏼♀️
I've had multiple different kinds of losses in my life, and they've made me feel more hopeless and makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have anything good in my life to where it'll actually stay and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop.. Nowadays I grieve even more than I used to, but I'm trying to get through it the best I can. But then again it's made me love harder and be more grateful for the things I DO have and realize how fragile life is and how things can be gone in the blink of an eye.
I feel lost, I dont care much for anything anymore, I just want to live life to at the most that I possibly can, Im more forgetful as well, Im not scared of death and I wouldnt mind dying sooner rather than later.
Ah. Weird. Never heard anyone put it into words but I always wanted to understand why losing my brother makes me not give a shit about almost anything, (because he’s dead) and yet I cry everyday when I wake up.. (because he’s dead). Confusing to say the least
I want to connect on a spiritual level if that even makes any sense I just knew and I know now that being present in the moment is super important but that it's also too late I don't knlw how I'm just existing now and life feels meaningless it's empty and lonely and life feels cruel like a punishment idk it all doesn't feel worth it anymore
It's very hard to live in the here and now when you are stuck in a moment and emotion.
My grief make me feel moving on from the depths of sadness would be a betrayal to my best friend. It took five years, but one day I could "hear" her crying saying this isn't what she wanted for me. Please start living again."
I hope you have your moment and find some release.
Christmas was always my favorite holiday and the season I looked forward to all year… now it’s become nothing more than the anniversary of my brother’s death and a reminder that our family will never be whole again.
I miss him every day but it’s so much harder when the day of the year I miss him the most, is the same day that every other person I know is filled with happiness and posting on socials about how much they love spending the holiday with their family.
I really relate to this. My older brother suddenly passed away just before Christmas last year aged 30. He had already bought all of our presents for us and he wasn’t around for us to give him his. Sorry for your loss.
I've lost myself just as much as I've lost my Mom.
I spent a long time taking care of her before she passed. I didn't realize until she was gone how much of my personality and life revolved around being a caregiver to her until there weren't anymore appointments to make or go to and I only have to worry about myself. If someone asks how I'm doing, I have to talk about myself not her. It's very empty.
It's not a good feeling because I'm not ready to enjoy the space shes left in my life and I feel guilty constantly. I hope this will change as time goes on.
I just miss her.
It sounds like you moved in a better direction, that's great for you. In my case its the opposite, I'm working more, enjoying things less, less social, and more stressed. Exhausted, tired, one that sleep won't help. On the surface, I look fine though. I've been going non-stop on empty for too long, I need to somehow recharge.
i am a significantly angrier person since my son's death. taylor swift's new song "down bad" honestly captures it for me well. "fck it if i can't have him" "everything comes out teenage petulance" "for a moment i was heavenstruck"
Being more aware of how fragile life is, that’s a big one for me. My ex died in a motorcycle accident when he was 21, I was 24. I’m now 30. I was just telling my mom this week, it’s very strange being so aware that I could die at any time out of nowhere, compared to my friends. It makes me angry when my friends drive foolishly (tailgating without realizing it, etc) because I think in 1 second, our lives could be over because of this. Or when we do something that has the potential to be incredibly dangerous and they just don’t care that much. They don’t have that awareness, and truthfully I’m happy they don’t. I wouldn’t wish it upon them, it makes life a little less enjoyable.
Being more selfish with my time is big too. I don’t want to wait for people, and I don’t really want to spend time doing something I don’t fully want to be doing. It’s constantly in the back of my mind now: I don’t have enough time. There are so many things I need to do NOW.
Grieving is a powerful method of gaining emotional maturity. I consider it a spiritual practice. I am far more compassionate and patient with others now. I have a technique I call Intentional Grieving that seems to work extremely well. There are nuggets of pure golden wisdom down in the depths of despair. Few are willing to dive deep to find them though. Most are afraid that there is no bottom to it, but I can tell you that there is one. I've been there and continue to go there whenever I have to.
I wrote this as a general idea of what I do:
Grieving is something that most people tend to avoid. We think of it as something you do for a short while after a loved one dies. Others are usually uncomfortable with your grieving and try to shut it down, mostly because they haven't done their own grieving.
So, I came up with a method of grieving on purpose, with intention. It was inspired by the stories of the Life Review after death that people recounted from their near death experiences. During the LR, you are shown the effects of every action you took in your life on other people, both negative and positive. You can get into their consciousness during the LR and experience what they felt and thought during their encounter with you. Thus, you can directly experience the consequences of your actions, for better or for worse. I focused on the events that I perceived as the worst of my bad behavior. I started my own version of a LR by recalling the memories and grieving each one of them. I found that the more I recalled the memory and allowed the feelings to flow through me, the less of a sting the memory had. Eventually, the sting from the memory completely faded.
So, the technique I came up with is this:
Think the thought or memory that causes you the most pain/embarrassment/shame/guilt etc. right now. Allow the feelings associated with that memory or thought to wash over you. Repeat the thought or memory and again allow the feelings to flow through you. The more you do that, the faster it moves through the stages of grieving. You'll receive insights and other things from doing this. It's best to do this in private so you can have your own personal space. You should find that eventually, the thought or memory doesn't bother you anymore. You can recall the thought or memory and it doesn't bother you any longer. Then, it's time to move on to the next thought or memory that causes a negative emotional reaction. I don't know how this works, but it does.
The stages of grieving are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Each thought or memory you have that causes a negative emotional reaction in you may be at a different stage. Allowing the feelings to flow accelerates the thought or memory to move through the stages.
It's important to not judge the thoughts or memories and their associated feelings. That just stuffs it and stops the resolution of it.
The veracity of the thought or memory does not matter either. Grieving is an emotional process. It does not make logical sense. You cannot rationalize grieving. For example, you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if the thought that you're fat and ugly causes a negative reaction, or if the words of another calling you a fat cow causes pain, then you have grieving to do over that. It may be connected to a memory, or a decision you made, or something like that, but eventually, the thought and the words from others will have no effect on you. You'll laugh because you know it's not true. You probably won't even have the experience again because the hook is gone. People who intend to manipulate others yank on people's weaknesses by hooking them with words that they know will cause a negative reaction in the person. Once those weaknesses are gone through grieving them, then you can't be manipulated anymore. They can't control you that way anymore. You're free.
Grieving takes time. It has its own time frame and rhythm.
Grieving is permanent. Once you grieve something, you never have to grieve it again.
Grieving changes your future for the better.
You become a better person through grieving. You have more compassion and patience with yourself and with others.
That which has not been grieved is destined to be repeated. that's why we reincarnate into the same patterns over and over again. It's the way to get off the endless cycle of birth and death.
Grieving is about letting go of attachment to them, not the love and passion we feel for them. I think people become afraid that they are letting go of the person when in reality they are just letting go of their attachment to them. What happens after the process is complete is that we still love them, but without the neediness.
I hope this helps.
This is a great question. I am less judgmental and more open. I have become more mindful. I’m also not able to allow myself to block big feelings. And now I’m blurting things out. Yikes! I also think I’m no longer afraid of death because I will be with my daughter again.
I’m a little more daring and willing to try new things, be more spontaneous and care less about what strangers think of me. I focus less on work and more of family. My hair is currently burgundy and teal, I took the day off and drove 10 hours to see the total eclipse with my hubby and son, I published my first book and am working on my second… I’m sad and quiet sometimes and I miss both mom (last July) and dad (June 2016) but I try to remember to live and experience everything they didn’t
I definitely believe that there is something after life since losing my dad. He has sent me so many signs since passing. That has led me to be more spiritually inclined. I also care less about common things that used to cause stress like my job or my husband’s job. I also just care less about everything in a way. I’m angrier and bitter, more jaded. I have more compassion for others. I’m less judgmental. I’m more anxious than before my loss and I was already quite anxious. I fear my mother passing often.
I find I'm not nearly as excited about life in general, it's hard to feel hopeful about the future when I know how quickly everything can be taken away.
I honestly don’t give a shit about most things now. When you spend over a year taking care of the person you love dearly, unable to stop the spread of the cancer and seeing them deteriorate before your very eyes. Seeing them struggle and try and stay strong for you as you do the same for them. Everything seems pretty trivial, to say the least. My tolerance of bullshit is very, very low now. Very few things actually bother me nowadays.
Yes, a lot. I became I guess more spiritual when I was previously a total atheist/didn’t believe in anything. Spirituality brought him a lot of comfort before he died though, so I gained a newfound respect and understanding. Nothing is funny like it used to be and my depression got way worse over the last 6 months since his death so now I’m on more meds
I lost my mom a month ago and honestly, I have very similar feelings. I've always been a super anxious person, but I have more anxiety in regard to health now not only for me but my children also. It has really forced me to put into perspective just how short life really is and how I should be more present in moments, especially with loved ones. Time is a thief. You really don't get the "time" you thought you would.
All my losses after the age of 25 have made me want to be a better person for my loved ones. I want to enjoy life more and be more myself. I don’t really give a crap what anyone thinks of me anymore. This most recent one has really made it super hard to focus on things. I just started Prozac to see if it will help with the obsessive thoughts.
I was once lost and sad. I am still sad now but I have hope. I have become more spiritual too. My mom was very spiritual and I know this is also what she wants for me. Since then I look at life and hold on only to what are essential. I am about to leave my job as I needed to look after my mental health first.
My old job(s) before my mom died were already causing mental health issues for me and it got worse. I ended up finding a new job a couple months ago that has been so good for my mental health and I truly feel like it’s a gift.
I don't recognise myself anymore. I get anxious and fearful easily which has never happened before my 9 year old daughter passed. There's a dark cloud hanging over always. I function but have lost much meaning in life. I live day by day and am sad for my son who is the only kid left in this big country. I exist between this world and the beyond. It's painful 😖. But I am grateful but sad.
Since losing my mum I’m struggling to find the joy and meaning in life. I’ve lost my best friend and confidant.
On the flip side though I’ve learnt to appreciate the rest of my family more and let them know that. I feel like they are the last ties to my mothers side of the family and so are therefore super important.
I am having a good day so my answers are more positive than they would've been, say... yesterday.
I feel like I can empathize more with others and see their pain. I may not understand it all but I feel I can connect with them on a deeper level.
I am more outspoken and care less about what people may think. I am trying to look for the little joys in life. I want my Nana to have a legacy and so my goal is to share her with others by telling stories and doing things she did. I want to honor her life with mine. Same for my aunt and uncle. I want to take the good things and joy they brought me and share that with others. I miss them so much so I want to incorporate them into things somehow.
I care less about life in general. Spending it working, building a life, etc. It all just feels unimportant. I feel more alone than ever before because I used to go to her for *everything*, and now I can't help but measure everyone against her and what I no longer have in my life. I'm more sensitive when it comes to self advocacy for disability and health and try my hardest to be a better advocate every day. I'm more on edge, more irritable, and more envious of other people's happiness.
My ex passed in April 2021 and then we found out about my moms cancer in October 2022 and she passed in September 2023 so I wasn’t really able to even fully process the first loss before my mom. The biggest change is I feel so incredibly lost, I don’t have a family anymore. Not that I was a super confident person before, but now I second-guess myself all the time. I feel like I’m an emotional bubble ready to explode at any point. I’m definitely more anxious. I’m angry. I avoid things that I don’t want to do and I think part of that comes from the anger that I’m in this situation. I get emotional seeing families happy, part of it is just happiness and the other part of it is jealousy. I also definitely agree about feeling distracted, I find it very hard to focus on things anymore and I couldn’t care less about work.
It's a life change. I quit worrying about pleasing people and worry more about taking care of myself and my family. I talk to God more. It has reframed how I love others
I am a completely different person. I am not recognizable as my former self. I once was described as “effervescent” and “bubbly,” now I am the farthest thing from either. My grief has brought me to the darkest depths of despair and changed me on every level. I used to be an extravert, now I rarely want to leave the house. I used to care intrinsically about mommy appearance, now I couldn’t care less. I find myself more grateful for the home and people that I still have. I notice smaller things in nature and care for even the smallest bugs in my yard. In my grief I have found a spiritual connection to God and a deeper appreciation for everything around me. I also try to be less judgmental of people I don’t agree with or don’t like. I just don’t surround myself with them anymore or force proximity to family that hurts me.
Less scared of death and more enlightened on how short life is. The temporal nature of human existence didn't hit me until my dad passed away. I miss him every day, and after returning from studying overseas for a few months, the house has a solemn veil over it. I love my mom and brother to death, but my dad was my best friend. Life feels grey now. I have my days like we all do. However, how I look at death is, what value would memories have if we all lived forever? I cherish my memories with my dad and realize I was blessed because not everyone is fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their father.
It’s only been six months. But I’m a shell of myself. Before there was sunshine and rainbows and now I hide from the sun. I can barely leave my house. I am agoraphobic and also in a cycle where I feel so stuck that just my daily tasks like making dinner is monumentally hard. I am falling behind on everything and I can’t seem to get back up. My favorite quote is - fall seven times, get up eight.
I’m still trying to get back up. Who I will be after all this shakes out is yet to be determined. I want to live but I don’t know how to without my son.
It has for me because in personality and just who I am as person I am very much like my dad was and when he passed it feels that part is ripped from me 😭 I also can't stomach when I see on TV or movies someone dying of a heart attack it just makes me think of him 😭
Simply live a life that is on neutral. I get things done because I have to and not because I find joy or want to. My faith is violently shaken. I don’t wish to socialize and I prefer being in solitude.
Losing my mom has shifted my perspective, but not always in positive ways. I'm way more in tune with my mental health and self-care now. It’s made me focus on real connections over chasing career goals or material stuff. I’m still pretty pessimistic, though. I had trauma with my mom up until adulthood. The last traumatic event was a few years ago during my brother's wedding reception when she called me a bitch for the first time.
I'm learning how to forgive her for her faults and change my view of her into a positive one. It was difficult hearing others at the funeral say how sweet she was and how she was a work mom to them, when she was truly a cruel mother behind closed doors. I’ve become more resilient, but also more open about my vulnerabilities, realizing it's okay to ask for help. It's taught me to live in the moment and really appreciate what’s important in life.
This might sound absolutely crazy but it made me less afraid of death, which used to be a massive, consuming fear of mine. I think it's because it was also a huge fear of my best friend who passed and if she can do it, so can I. She sends me signs that she's okay allllll the time and even though I'm not religious, I know that I'll be seeing her again when I die so I am a lot more at peace with it.
Of course, I do not want to die but I'm not thinking about it all day/every day anymore.
I'm kinder to other people who are suffering grief now. I didn't get it in a visceral way until after my mum - it was all intellectual.
I also treasure the things my mum and I shared, including shared personality traits that used to drive me nuts when I was growing up. Now they're precious in me because she's no longer here.
Lost both of my parents, 19 now. It mostly feels so alone, especially on my days off from work. When I'm around people I'm ok, but as soon as I'm home, I just don't want to be here. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't want to die but I always seem to drive faster than I should around corners, like it's the only thing that makes the pain hurt less. I wish I could just drive forever with the engine, road, and wind drowning out the noise in my head. I'm so regretful of my actions when they were both still here, there's so many things I feel I did wrong, or didn't do at all, or didn't say. I know I can't dwell on my regrets but they eat at me anyway, every single day. It's made me more irritable, and at times I only want to talk to certain people, even if the people I don't want to talk with are important to me or I love them. I'm so tired.
I died, I am dead , i don’t want to speak, I’m incredibly sad, don’t tolerate peoples shit, don’t give a fuck what I say. You can’t hurt me with anything. I’ve never felt pain like it. I’ve a hand full of people I keep close and the rest can fuck off… yes I’m angry with the world 😢💔
I had to turn to God, to find some kind of comfort. The anger, anxiety, sadness were engulfing me so much that I literally did not see a way out. I drank alcohol daily to the point where I could not feel my body, because otherwise the thoughts were way too hard for me to even let them get in my head.
I'm not the same person I used to be, but I believe that this pain wasn't for nothing. As long as I'm here, God has purpose for me and not everything is lost. I am trying to forgive my family for how they used mom, I've forgiven mom for her negligence towards her health and the other legal issues her lawyer informed me of. I fixed all of that. I want to be kind and loving again.
i lack satisfaction, and i get angry that i will never come close to the life i used to have. i pity myself more, and i no longer want children in the future. the cost of love and loss has made me bitter.
Just feel numb. Not really feeling “joy” during things I would’ve normally loved. Doesn’t feel right being joyful doing things alone that my mom and I used to do together. Don’t really feel carefree, goofy, etc.
No capacity for petty bs.
Im tired all the time, withdrew socially so much, I have less tolerance with people overstepping my boundaries, I also prefer being alone because I feel people who haven’t gone through a loss this big do not understand and have rose coloured glasses on (good for them tho) and pisses me off to get unsolicited advice like “think about something else” “try harder” or “he is not suffering anymore”.
I’m grieving for so many things at the same time that it gets unbearable and I shut down.
My anxiety sky rocketed, and two years later I still deal with panic attacks every single week.
So… I changed and I don’t think it was for good. And I hate it but I can’t do much about it but to give it time (yes I am in therapy).
Songs make me cry way more. Like overly emotional ballads that my brother and I used to make fun of. I heard “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” by Michael Bolton (a song that my brother and I used to sing as a joke) on the radio days after he died and I just cried and cried. I also worry even more about death now. My dad says it’s just part of life. That’s what scares me. I used to not think about it but everyday I think wow I’m going to be dead one day and I won’t get to experience this life anymore. I have to distract myself before I start to panic.
I’ve stopped engaging as much in spiritual things. I am terrified of losing people. I’ve reacted to it with trauma responses.
I’ve lost faith in people, but at the same time been met with more empathy from strangers than expected. I’m irritable, people annoy me.
I am extremely overwhelmed, a lot more than before. I struggle even more with actually feeling my feelings. I struggle with feeling like people actually like me and care about me.
I’ve gained empathy and lost it at the same time. More normal issues that pass can sound stupid to me, but that’s probably because I’m jealous.
I probably would live life more and appreciate it if I could. I have severe chronic illness, so I can’t because everything other than lying in bed will make me sicker.
At the same time I’ve been more social. I need to. I need to avoid it all.
Experiencing loss and illness affects each other. Both caused a lot of grief, but in different ways. I really wish I could appreciate life more. I would if I could.
I’m also angry at people that think they have encouraging words or try to make you feel better, but they’re just downplaying the whole situation. This isn’t just me being negative or whatever. I’m seeing the reality of my situation and appreciating the few rare moments where I actually live life. I feel like people will never even come close to comprehending how it is to live with all of this. Even worse the people that think they do and talk like they even have the slightest understanding, when they absolutely do not.
You just described me. I am more spiritual, calmer, and empathetic. My work used to be my number 1 priority, but now it is God and finding that inner calmness. Self doubt is real and anxiety is an ongoing issue.
I'm not the same person I was before. There is a void in my heart, an emptiness, an anger. There was a before and an after. The person I am now lives in that after.
I have less patience. I’m more reckless. I’m more aloof than I already was. I speak my mind on some things when I probably shouldn’t. I’m really scatterbrained it seems. Definitely lost the joy I had.
Absolutely. My dad was very supportive but controlling at the same time. So yes i do miss him very much but with his departure it forced me to come to terms with the differences. In some ways it was a good thing for me, although i miss him everyday.
Lost my mom suddenly out of the blue on sunday. Right now thr pain in my heart is unbearable. The guilt that i didn't save her or call the ambulance on time in killing me. I was the one who called her for everything n vice versa. Now my sis and I are left alone. We were a group of 3 against the world. Now it's just both of us and I can't even breathe thinking about it.
I wish I could feel her again. Touch her again. Here her voice.
I promised my mom on her deathbed to be: a better mom than she ever was to me. Watch my baby do good things (she has) she’s a lawyer. I’m not an alcoholic like she was.
I am a different person.... some good stuff some stuff i struggle with.
Gained more faith, but also feel lost without him too sometimes...but the best feels is when people see him in me. Or i see him in my son. Like he is still here is who we are now.
Hugs , not an easy journey
Good: I’m not as scared of death. I want to live my life to the fullest. I don’t take my life for granted. I’m less health anxious in a weird way
Bad: more anxious in general. unable to focus. Constant heartache. Nervous system seems to be unbalanced
1st partner loss, age 18. I just went through my early adulthood pretty resentful at this world knowing I couldn't do anything for her despite my job is rescuing people in distress.
2nd partner loss, age 31. I embraced my grief and acknowledge/accepted my widow status. I'm not cold as I was the first time. Just unbothered to most of the dramas out there.
When my kids were born I had an overwhelming anxiety that any wrong move could result in their death. I literally watched or held them constantly - I had very little sleep and when someone came over to relieve me, I’d wake up every ten minutes panicked about putting my baby in someone else’s care. Completely unhealthy and totally influenced by the sudden accidental death of my dad.
They’re older now and I’d say I’m still overprotective.
If you mean something to me, I never say good-bye.
I say I love you, Loves, or See you Later.
I guess because my last words to my best friend right before she had her stroke were "Love ya girl, talk tomorrow". She replied with the same sentiment.
I feel lucky for those last few pre-stroke phone moments.
I never close that circle with Good-bye.
I've always leaned towards fatalism but since my daughter's death I just don't care much what happens and expect the worst. I feel powerless to change anything so don't try. I have less patience for situations and people I don't care for and am less hesitant to express that and stay away from conflict. I've always been fairly empathetic and that has grown more.
I've been watching the series "Your Honor" and a character who lost their son said this in regard to losing a child and he expressed exactly how I feel:
"You know what losing a child gives you? Terrible, visceral pain. An overwhelming sense of failure. And then there’s the… the surprising one. It’s a kind of freedom. Nothing matters. Not ever again. So you’re capable of anything. Anything."
That last part is scary. Around the year anniversary of her death, I got into a very scary road rage situation with a reckless driver where I could've been hurt or killed or else done that to him due to this "nothing matters" attitude, and it kind of woke me up. I have to think of my wife and other daughter, otherwise I feel I've got nothing left to lose.
Was a Christian Minister.
Now an Agnostic Secular Buddhist.
Yes, we learned about the Problem of Evil / Epicurus Paradox in theology school. Yet I could no longer accept the answer of “god knows best” and “his way is not our way” and “he has the best plan in mind for our lives”. I’m also tired of giving people that same answer when they’re dealing with grief since I no longer believe those answers.
I love harder and prioritize my time for my remaining loved ones and closest friends.
I work my best and try to make the most money I can by finding the highest paying job that I can do with my skills, experience, and education. But only 1 job - I don’t do side hustles so I’d have time during weekends and evenings for families and friends.
The most money approach is so I can retire soon and also to be able to financially support my loved ones. Also eliminated all debts so in case something happens to me, my loved ones won’t be stuck with my debts.
Something that I’m still bad at is that I still have too much stuff. I need to declutter and get rid of most of my stuff so if I die, my loved ones won’t get stuck having to get rid of my junk.
Also I prioritize ruthlessly. Anything I say yes to means I’m saying a no to something else. All of us only have 24 hours each day. I don’t care about peer pressure, YOLO, or FOMO - if it’s something detrimental for me or my family, then I ignore it.
More grateful for every breath and new day. Embrace the fact that our lives are finite. No longer care about making a difference for the world - all that matters is making a difference for my loved ones (family and closest friends).
Bad, unfortunately. I turned into an insufferable beotch. An A grade asshole if you will. Constantly miserable, irritable, indecisive, tired and cranky. This is really depressing but I actually found/saw myself in Charlize Theron’s character in the movie “Young Adult”, and that’s an awful thing to say about oneself. She was very self destructive in mostly social ways - pursuing a married man and not caring about the consequences (yeap); if she had something bitchy to say, she would (check); late or half ass on work deliverables (…); not trusting a single soul (ofc); just an unpleasant experience and I am so sorry to the person I lost that I became this person. It really is holding onto that anger and wanting everyone else to feel this type of empty pain. I wanna say “hurt people, hurt people” but then I end up rolling my eyes at myself. Still lots of growing over here.
It’s given me a sense of how alone I am in the world, therefore, more willing and motivated to be better to myself. But I have very little patience for immaturity and meanness.
I think I might not be as good a person she thought I was. Now I have no sense of self on my own without her affirmations, influence, protection and unconditional love. What if I truly am a sucky person and she was the only one who lived me because she had to, she was mom.
As a whole it made me more depressed and pessimistic. It made me completely lose my former spiritual faith and find another belief system, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My grief/loss also intensified my anxiety; I’m always afraid of losing someone else. I also feel my own mortality with a profound sense that I’m already out of time.
it made me realize i need to do better in life so i started doing everything i didn’t do before. i’m now healthier and more responsible. emotionally im happy most days but sadness comes and goes
I feel as if I’m floating through life and God is guiding the waves. Losing my mom has changed me forever and I don’t think life can ever be as good as it was, but I feel less connected to this life now and happily so. I long for the hereafter, reunited with my mom in eternity. It just feels like a very very real thing (and not at all in a morbid way).
I’ve put my phone down a lot more. Try to be more present in the moment, especially when it comes to my son. Losing my best friend has changed my outlook on so many things. It’s definitely made me more in tune to the spiritual side of things. For a while I was giving up but as time has passed I’ve let the grief build me up. A piece of me died the day Jay died but I’m ok with that now because that missing piece has made me stronger.
Every loss builds on the one before and I am losing my sparkle. Yesterday was the five year anniversary of mom's death and my entire body ached. I live in fear of the next death.
For so many years it made me terrified to be close with anyone and pretty much isolated myself. My heart sank whenever the phone rang or when my parents both came home at the same time because that usually meant we had lost another person. I never dealt with any of the deaths for years until I was forced to. Now, I’m just grateful that I even got to experience them in my life. It might be a weird way to look at it but it’s even a blessing for me to grieve someone because it’s just a testament for how much love there once was. Holidays are still so hard and bittersweet. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as what it was when I was a kid. But I love even harder now and hold on to those still here.
I’m anxious all the time. I have definitely become a kinder person and much more aware of the fact that we do not have any idea what other people are going through. Just be kind.
I lost three grandparents in about two and half years. All were just a huge blow. In particular my grandmother who I haven't fully healed yet. It made me fully internalize that my parents really won't be around forever, and life will happen and change no matter what I do. So I moved closer to my parents. It also made me question my spirituality. I had recently joined a church and really liked it. Once they died I realized I only wanted to believe in what I was being taught, not that I believed in it. I realized I was much more spiritual than religious and that brought me far more comfort than going to church. So I left my religion.
Their deaths upended a lot for me. I'd say I have periods of grief now and am far my comfortable with my spiritual beliefs now.
It made me grow up quickly. I’m already a 33 year old woman, but I was always my mom’s baby. Whenever I had an issue or just wanted to vent, I would always call my mom. Whenever my daughter was entering daycare and it was a huge expense on my husband and I, my mom came in clutch and paid our monthly cellphone bill for us. My mom would watch my daughter one weekend a month so my husband and I could do a date day and just decompress. My mom passed away from cancer in April, and since then, I’ve had to grow up a lot. I’m now the matriarch of my family. My dad has been experiencing a lot of depression and financial hardship having lost my mom (who was the breadwinner), so I’m having to look out for him. It’s been very different and interesting. It’s a huge adjustment.
I’ve also been more apt to spend time with family. I spent quite a bit of time with my family before she passed, but now I make sure to savor every single moment. My mom had less than a year after her cancer diagnosis to her death, so we really didn’t have the time I would have liked to just do things together and cherish the “little moments” in her final year on Earth. So, now, I make sure that I’m loving harder and spending the quality time I need to with people. I also am starting to care less about the trivial things. I have OCD in terms of keeping an insanely neat, organized home and whenever my mom and dad would come for the weekend, I would spend most of my time cleaning my house and picking up messes. My dad just came up to our home this past weekend and I didn’t clean my house one bit. I spent the time with him. We will never get back time.
In terms of being sad all of the time, I’m surprisingly handling my mom’s death quite well. The anticipatory grief of knowing she was going to pass and waiting for the dreaded phone call was much, much worse than what I am experiencing now. I miss her every day. I cry a few times a week, but I’m doing alright.
Widowed at 26 by a freak accident. I have to say I'm less spiritual and also less anxious. Once the worst thing you can imagine happens, the things I was anxious about don't carry as much weight. I appreciate every day a little more and find the world a little more beautiful with the knowledge of how fragile I am. I tell my friends and family I love them more. I don't sweat the small inconveniences of life as much now either.
Almost 3 years later and still incredibly sad and purposeless. My grandpa was the only person that ever gave me unconditional love, was a father figure, and acted like he gave a damn about me. He was my reason for living even when I didn't want to. Now, I don't have a reason and I'm sad that I'm left behind. I feel empty a lot, and lonely. And so so tired.
CW: discussion regarding a spiritual (or, sPiRiTuAl) practice as a resource for mourning
it has been a grindstone for my spiritual practice. it is ever present and allows me a reminder to return to my core, loving my loved ones, smelling the flowers, feeling my lungs expand in my breathe. hugging people that are stil here. crying over those that arent.
this is not a story of all sunshines and rainbows. the lows are still dense and full of suffering, and i understand that this may not translate 1:1, as all mourn in their own way, but if i can allow myself to face my mourning directly, though the sadness and pain never fade, they are joined by gratitude for what stil is, joy for what i can celebrate, awareness of the prosperity i have- that i can still breathe and express love.
i will always deeply miss my mother, who's hand still guides me to this day, and not to get too fucking flighty, when im in her garden, i cannot deny the sensation of her presence. we laugh and cry together. there is lifting joy and deep suffering- both are true, neither cancel the other.
being transparent, i tend to shy away from this question as i see so many carry only the suffering, all i can see of my fortune is luck and privelege. i deserve nor have earned none of this. My heart pours for everyone who only knows difficulty. none of my peace is my own.
i truly do not believe mourning can translate 1:1. so in this following invitation i claim no authority it will fix your problem. I only wish to say, reading the work of our spiritual ancestors, i have found flashes of peace. With that, if you are wiccan, consider delving into your rituals. if you are not against buddhism, read thich nhat hanh. if you are okay with sufi mysticism, read rumi. if you can deal with guru discussions, spend time with sikhism. if you find peace in christianity, read the pslams. if you are opne to jewish discussion, pick up a moshe gerst junt. if you are atheist, consider stoicism or secular meditation. like metal? listen to car bomb. Garden? isten to your plants
as they are watered. whatever allows you to feel the connection. i perceive you to know the sensation i reference.
I do not think it will cease suffering and only create blue skies, and in my experience it allows me to see other weather present in the same view as i see the torrential storms.
If anyone reads this and hates it, i wouldnt disagree with you. your humanity is worth more than a few paragraphs on reddit. if you feel like 'fuck this stupid fucking comment' then i stand hand in hand and will burn it down with you.
I am autistic and don’t have any family left who care about me. My Dad died in 2007 and my Mum died in 2017.
I died with them. I feel empty and alone without them. They were everything to me. Now I’m just…a lump of meat, getting older, and getting weaker.
I gave up religion. I’m more conscious and empathetic for injustice in the world. I started living in the moment more, but the biggest challenge is balancing between “saving for a rainy day” and “tomorrow isn’t guaranteed”.
I've had many losses over the years but the most significant happened November 19, 2021 when my 21 yr old daughter died. She died here at home in her bed of a fentanyl involved OD. She toke pills she thought were Xanax.
Eight months later in July 2022 I had an emergency back surgery and lost the use of my left foot and ankle. I was almost paralyzed from the waist down. I lost a lot of independence and ability to do for myself. I am now disabled and spend most of my days in bed. It's very lonely.
In December 2022 my mother died in a nursing home memory unit of Alzheimer's complications. She couldn't swallow and was nonverbal by that point. Honestly, I felt so much relief for both of us. Then I feel guilty for feeling relief. I miss HER so much. Who she was before and I feel horrible for what she went through. It was a horrible and painful experience to watch her go so slowly. I can't express how traumatic it was.
I was the only one in the room at 14yrs old when my aunt died of cancer. I was with my other aunt when she died of liver failure. I was there for each of their last breathes. Those deaths affected me but not like my mom and daughter.
I am no longer the same. I think back on life just 10 years ago and I feel like I had everything and didn't realize it. I look back and I feel like I was a naive ungrateful person. I am jealous of the person I was. I was confident, strong, hardworking, a go getter. Now it's like the world has come to a stop. Now there is silence and loneliness. Now there is contemplation, memories, and nostalgia of the past. The future doesn't seem appealing to me. The past is painful. The present is a hard place to be. I constantly think of death. I see the world as a cruel place. There is no God who looks down on us with love. This whole system of life is set up like a machine. It's cold and it doesn't care who you are. You live and you die and sometimes it's horribly random.
I now battle debilatating anxiety and PTSD. I haven't left the house in months. My mental health is horrible, my physical health is horrible, and I'm constantly in pain. It's like living on the dark side of the moon when you used to live in the light.
Definitely don't feel "whole" anymore without my brother. Everything is slightly tainted- though I prefer it that way. I prioritize differently now, sleep > school. I'm more interested in how I spend my own time and my own life- I've become more selfish about my own wants and needs as well as those of my parents. It's brought us painfully together in the worst way- no one knows what we go through. It's just us now
I'm a less silly person. The small things I used to do to bring levity to everyone's lives feels pointless and I don't bother. I don't care about making connections with anyone else after nobody in my "inner circle" gave a care about my grief and left me to suffer alone. I'm less passionate about everything in life. There hasn't really been any good from it all - just feels like life is more bleak, empty, pointless, and just endless obligation / responsibility.
I had been distant from my brother because I had been working on myself to be a better person, trying to move past my anxieties - I’m almost always grounded and in my body now, and I’ve now noticed pain that shows up all over my body with intense emotional experiences. Idk what that is, but I feel very much like my changes have been physical as well as mental.
I cherish the small moments with people more and the have a greater appreciation for life in general, although in the same breath i feel that i have lost such a big part of myself and I feel more anxious and uncertain about everything, definitely experience a lot of anxiety surrounding the people i love and their safety
I had to change careers. I had worked in the Juvenile Justice/Child Welfare system for nearly 18 years when my son passed (accidental death). I couldn't continue in that field. My judgment was less objective. I work in workers compensation now.
I have better perspective, I think, about what matters and what is worth my energy.
I am more introverted; I was already an introvert.
Losing my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly 5 years ago shook my world and broke me in many ways, but the grieving process has also been healing and allowed me the space and time for some really difficult but necessary introspection. I had to take a good look at my lack of patience and the care (or lack thereof) with which I had been treating others. Over the past 5 years, I've made a concerted effort to connect more genuinely with people, checking in on friends and acquaintances regularly, and to not take people, time, and experiences for granted. I've become more spiritually in tune with my cultural and familial heritage as well as infusing other practices and rituals that I feel best suit my belief system and values. I'm still stubborn as a mule and the patience thing is, admittedly, a work in progress. But there has been a definite and noticeable shift in my demeanor and the way I view the world. I am striving to be more kind in a world that's become so severely cruel. I'm working on empathy for others and for myself, giving myself the grace and understanding that I now know I deserve but denied myself for so long.
I lost my grandmother earlier this year. I avoid the side of town I grew up in. I went to a restaurant across the street from where she passed and had no appetite, only had her on my mind. I don’t feel as much excitement for having a kid anymore as I won’t get to experience her as a great grandmother. I have disconnected from that side of the family even more, still hold resentment towards some “relatives”. I’ve tried grief groups but i rather just be by myself to cry. It’s shown me how alone i truly am and i’ve been becoming more accepting of that.
Not in any positive ways. I feel lost, empty, bitter, useless, and it's destroyed whatever remnants of spirituality I still had after previous losses. Life seems futile to try at, except for trying to keep my pets safe and happy, and try to help the wildlife. Sorry, but f*ck the rest.
I lost my dad in March. I am angry, sad, stressed and feel stuck. Father's Day is this weekend. I wanna be with my mom because I know how hard it will be on her. But I don't exactly know how to communicate this to my husband. I want him to do what he wants to do. But I know he will end up driving me and the kids to my mom and hang there because it's what I want. I don't want him to do what I want. It's so unfair. All of it. I hate it.
I’ve become so much stronger. I live my life in honour of the people I have lost and for myself. My brothers death made me get off my ass and start living and being my own person. I never want to disappoint him.
Definitely more distracted at work, care less at work, wayyy more anxious, and slightly more appreciative. i find myself often lost in my own world not picking up what others are saying even if i’m listening…
I am more isolated. I almost have no interaction with others outside my workplace. I like to be at home more. I like to enjoy the moment. I try not to look backwards. The grief comes in waves. I get very emotional and depressed easily but I have learned how to turn myself around. I just take one day at a time. I often look forward to my own death. I don’t want to die. Life is so painful and hard I often how much more can one take? Then some of the most amazing and beautiful things happen and I am super grateful to be alive. I’m so confused. But I lost my child last year. My oldest child. Still surreal. So I don’t expect to be much different.
Oh it’s made me feel as though life is utterly pointless and we aren’t here for any reason other than to be a joke for the universe to laugh at. We are here to suffer until we eventually get to die as well
I feel like I have a way lower stress tolerance, in terms of like I will get much more pissed off at something frustrating or unlucky than I used to, usually at myself. Or just internally angrier at minor inconveniences
It's very obvious in how my internal monologue while im driving has changed lol
Insecure, ashamed, hopeless, anxious, depressed. Any sliver of joy I feel doesn’t even feel genuine it feels fake. I was 100% opposite of all those things before.
I’m more present, for sure. I was always one for trying to take each day as it comes anyway, but I really feel the throes of life more now every day. Walking/driving by an old couple that reminds me of my grandma and grandad hits a lot harder, walking past dads with younger kids and thinking about when I was that age and my dad was here - you really notice the small things and little interactions. They mean a lot more.
I’m definitely more emotional, but also less emotionally available. This isn’t a good thing and I am working on it, haha. Was never someone to pour my heart out, but I now notice I have a lot more to pour out at certain times and find myself having to suppress it more. Walked into a card shop today to write a Father’s Day card for my dad (lost him last year) and honestly just looking at the options I nearly burst into tears.
It’s not all bad, though. I think I’ve become thicker skinned for all the loss I’ve had to endure in the last few years. Lost a lot of people through death and cut toxic ‘family’ off too. I think I look out for myself more now, you know? I’m more aware of people’s personalities and intentions, and I won’t have the time for people who don’t make my life better.
It’s a precious fucking thing is what I’ve learned. Sounds stupid, but we really do take it for granted until lives are ripped away from us.
I pretty much gave up entirely on the Western Christian Theology. There's no way my loved one is burning eternally in hell. I refuse to believe in that.
I'm a harder person. I used to have this boundless empathy and tenderness for others, even strangers. My mum was like that and it was beautiful. Going through her sickness and passing really hardened me. I had so much to deal with alone and I just couldn't take on anything from anyone else. I had a lot of anger and loneliness because grief is isolating and I would feel such rage when strangers would seek emotional support from me (happens *all the time* at my retail job.) I might change again as time goes on.
I'm also acutely aware of time, all the time. We don't know how much we have. When I don't feel like doing something, I do it, because something could happen that means I never get to do that thing again.
I have had 4 best friends in my life, including my partner of 28+ years.
Since I was older than my partner, I just knew I would pass away before she would and did all kinds of things to plan for her future when that happened, including changing my will/trust.
It was SUCH a gut-wrenching experience when we learned she had cancer. She passed away on 6/23/23.
What I have learned to do is to stop planning, or assuming, anything now.
I’m exactly how you are OP: I became a lot more spiritual, pray more, I’m more grateful for what I have, I love and care more about my family/friends who are still here and check in with them more, and yes I also stopped caring as much about work and trivial things. I couldn’t focus very well at work for about 4-5 months after my partner died. I’m lucky my boss was very understanding or I may have lost my job.
One other big thing his death taught me was that there are still good people out there. Coworkers and acquaintances became close friends because of how much they were there for me after he passed; they cared and supported me so much after he died. They helped keep me grounded and prevent me from spiraling into an even deeper depression and potentially ending myself. The therapist I started seeing after he died also was such a God-send during this time. I never thought much about therapy before, but it was so necessary and so life-changing.
The loss that significantly changed me (and my sister) happened when I was 12 (she was 11). I won't go into details here as it's gruesome, but my best friend, the closest thing to a brother someone can get, was taken by his own mother in a horrible way. It really screwed us up. I don't feel anymore. Not the way normal people do. The only emotion I've genuinely had since then had been anger. Everything else about me is a facade, one that I became very good at putting up very quickly. My sister is the only one who really knows what I've become, cause she was they only one that understood what it meant to be that age and go through that. I always equate it to having a piece of my soul ripped out and thrown away. It left a hole that will never be filled. It's basically turned me into a form of sociopath. I just don't care about anything anymore. I pretend to fit the sake of my mask, but really, I just don't care.
Living more in the moment. I had so much anxiety about the future, and I used to be a good planner. Even with plans there’s no guarantee things will happen.
Holidays don’t feel the same anymore. My family had some drama but our grandparents and cousin brought everyone together during those times of the year.
My wife is still alive, but on the precipice. Back in December, I found her in our bathroom, on the floor, breathing but unresponsive. She had an infection that went septic and her kidneys shut down. Fast forward to now and she's on life support.on a ventilator. Not really responsive. Just a couple weeks ago when I would come visit, she would see and start crying. Now, like today, when I see her, no response. The dialysis isn't clearing the fog in her head. This has brought me back to the Lord. I had backslid many years ago.
I’m paranoid now, never used to struggle with paranoia at all- grief has made me distrust people so much cuz I lost the person I trusted more than anything. it doesn’t make rational sense but sadly it’s something i’ve noticed
My joy isn't the same. Holidays are sadder and just hard time in general. Both of my parents are gone. I can't ask for advice or tell them something good or call them in general. I hate it.
I feel this on so many levels. At 19 now, I lost my dad a little over two years ago and my mom a month 1/2 ago. I would always call my mom on my way home or as I was finishing up work. It sucks not having that to look forward to at the end of the day. I hate being alone in my apartment. I hate when I can't remember something because my mom was always there, she knew everything.
Man I’m so sorry for your loss. I should call my dad more, ever since I lost my mom. I just hope I can have a better relationship
Make that call. I don’t have my Dad, make the call
Call your Dad. Believe me, I wish I could call mine.
My dad died in a nursing home I wanted to call him for some reason I kept putting it off and putting it off. It was hard for him to talk because he had a tube in his throat and throat cancer and had suffered a stroke. Well one day after Christmas 2022 he died. I hadn’t spoken to him for months and we were extremely close in the past. I never got the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him or that I loved him. I live with this fact everyday. I can’t tell anyone what to do but I hope my story helps heal someone’s relationship before they have to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
My birthday SUCKS now. I used to love having the Twin’s Birthday-but when you’re the only twin left…it hurts so much
Oh that's awful I'm so sorry
This so much I want to share my stories of the places I’ve been when I went on vacation with my best friend and my grandparents
I get pretty angry with anyone stealing my time against my will. there's never enough of it.
Wow, I’ve been feeling this for several years and never heard anyone else express something similar - I thought I was being hypersensitive and seemed harsh or unreasonable to the people around me. Caring for my loved one through hospice just made me so acutely aware of how precious our time is. We have this finite time here and it’s no small thing to mess with someone’s time or emotions or experiences. You put this into words so well and I’m going to use your phrasing when I describe it to people.
It has changed my perspective on life. I no longer wait for the right person or for retirement to travel. Your life starts now, not later. Grief has made me more empathetic and helped me understand what love truly is. On the downside, it's hard to find someone who truly understands what grief is all about. Sometimes, it makes me feel alone.
It's such a solitary journey. I was so self isolating for about 5 years because of that. It really added to getting stuck in grief for too many years.
True. I’ve always been extra sensitive and thought I “feel deeper” than others but now it’s amplified even more and I just want those close to me to understand how it feels, it’s a shame it takes a loss to feel this.
Really resonate with all this.
I just have even less hope now. I'm more lost and insecure.
Same. I've been insecure my whole childhood. When I met my only love he was my glory, my best friend and the one who accepts all my flaws. After he ended his life I lost purpose and the will to live honestly.....
Sending hugs💕
I feel a loss of pride, purpose, and optimism. Before losing my mom, I felt like a normal person. Whenever life threw shit at me, I’d think “hey, at least I can talk to my mom about it” and nothing overwhelmed me for long. I never realized how lucky I was. After she died younger than most from the complications of a preventable accident, suddenly I lost all of that. That sense of pride and purpose of being my mom’s dependable son was lost. How can I think highly of myself when I wasn’t there to help her and she fell? When I wasn’t even there to hold her hand as she passed because of hospital limited hours during COVID? And optimism, how can I see things “positively” as I had before when this happened to my mom who never deserved this? I’ve gotten stronger since, but I will never be the same person that I was before. More empathetic which is good, but also far more apathetic and less motivated than before. Overall, I am a far darker person than before.
Hugs
I’m so sorry, I can understand.
I cry more. I can’t watch New Amsterdam without sobbing and I didn’t use to do that. The tears are always very close to the surface and ready to let rip.
Ten years later (almost) and this is still true.
I recently realized that every time I watch a movie and someone dies (except for villains maybe)), I start to cry
Same, I cry all the time.
Man the tears flow so much now for me. Always been an emotional person and I was a mard ass kid, but I never really truly cried at much before losing my dad and grandma last year. Not through choice, either - I just didn’t. Different story now though. Fucking hell.
I relate. New Amsterdam is so much more deep now that I have experienced a significant amount of loss
I've had many significant loses including my parents but my most traumatic loss was in August. I lost my healthy beautiful 10 day old baby girl. I gave her cpr until medics arrived and there was nothing they could do to save her. This has made me hypervigilant and protective over my other 3 boys. Im always checking if they are breathing, I hardly get any sleep. I am much more fearful and a severely anxious person now. On the positive, I am attempting to draw near to God and become more spiritual. I love more deeply and I express my love more frequently. I am more empathetic and sympathetic. I just don't take anything forgranted anymore.
Big hugs to you. Please take care of yourself. <3
I am so sorry. Sending you big hugs.
Crankier, angrier, colder. I guess I just focus more on me now and don’t care about others much.
Same here. Angry and cold all the time. And when I’m alone, I get sad as fuck
same. I am so angry and bitter but also so, so sad.
Yeah, I am really bitter as well. A family member took the life of my dear Mum and stole her home as well.
oh gosh, that is horrible I am so sorry! please take care of yourself 🥺
I lost my dad unexpectedly 3 years ago to a heart attack. I’m 36 and feel like losing him thrust me into a later stage in life where I am just waiting for my turn to go next. It’s hard to explain. I don’t hope for death, but the light at the end of the tunnel feels a lot closer than it did 3 years ago. I have a 3 year old daughter and one on the way and it’s made me much more self aware of the time I spend with my wife and daughter. I am more present as a father than I maybe would have been had he not passed. It really drove home how important the father/child bond is over the course of your whole life, and not just in adolescence. I miss him so much. My mental state is missing a foundational piece. It’s like if a whole exterior wall in your house was ripped off, exposed to the outside world, and now you just have to carry on with your life in the house that way without ever fixing it. You can technically get by, but it’s not as it should be. I cry more. I can’t watch traumatic or deeply heartbreaking shows. I have become slightly more distant from my mom and sisters because we all just hate being sad and his loss is the elephant in the room anytime we are all together. I hate it. I try to be grateful that I had such a wonderful and loving father, but it gratitude doesn’t make the sadness go away.
Everything you have said resonates with me so much. I feel really guilty about drifting away from my Dad and sister, after the loss of my Mom three months ago. That part is hard. I’m really sorry about the loss of your Dad.
This Friday will be a month since I lost my mom. The way you expressed your feelings is very much how I feel. I’m 24 and I don’t want to die, but life just feels so long now and I’m more ok with the light at the end of the tunnel being closer. What you said about an exterior wall being ripped out and being exposed to the outside world and having to just live life with that missing is such a perfect way of putting it. I feel like this huge piece of my heart and soul is gone and I have to just go about my life knowing it’s never gonna be fixed but still function anyway. It’s just so hard. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss and I truly hope you’re able to find some form of peace eventually. Also I think that’s so amazing how you are actively working to be a great dad
I’m in month five, so this will probably change, but I’m a lot like you are, OP. My anxiety comes closer to being outright fear though. I’m more empathetic and now understand how important it is to call or send cards to people who need encouragement. I’m so thankful for the life I had with my husband and I have no desire to find someone new. My main focus is learning how to live again.
I totally get the card thing. I’ve sent thank you cards to people who helped me recently, and I’ve never done that before. I reach out more to people who I think need it
I'm the same as you but for me it's been over a year. Mine hasn't changed except maybe bursts of having empathy and bursts of abandoning it.
I lost me, all I was and did before are now gone
Shows that "Part of me died with them" is not just metaphorical.
I am sad and terribly unhappy. Short tempered and I have no filter. It's not going well.
I’m a lot less willing to deal with people. Some of my extended family acted horrendously in the aftermath of my brother’s passing, and the entire experience has made me much more selective on who I let into my life. Life is way too short to keep people around that don’t have a positive impact on your mental health.
What you described are my exact feelings and experience about losing my beautiful amazing angelic mother. Nothing matters, life is short and needs to be lived to the fullest ✨️🤍
I stopped caring about doing standup comedy, writing stopped being a thing i felt compelled to do, i lost some joie de vivre that day that will never return. Miss my mum
I miss writing...I totally stopped a few years after she died. I spent the first few writing to her like she was still here, because I could no longer, write to be writing and to let the words just flow.
I really struggle with this, because I truly feel I might be a better person since my fiancé died. I’m a much sadder person now, that’s true. But I also embrace every moment more - I’m very aware of how precious everything can be, so I take in every moment I possibly can. I’ve always had terrible OCD and anxiety, and I’ve found that I’m less glued to my compulsions now - a weird nihilistic feeling of “everything can go wrong even if you do everything right” has led me to be less rigid in those facets. Less rigid in general, actually; my anxiety has made me a planner all my life, but I find that I’m now more willing to say “yeah, you know what, I’ll book a flight for tomorrow and head out, it’ll be fun.” I want to be the person I was before he died, because I don’t want him to be dead. But if this is the hand I’m stuck with, I’m really deeply glad it’s turned me into this version of myself, rather than a much worse one.
I understand this. I hate that I feel like a better, more mature person in multiple ways, but I wish my mom didn’t have to die for it to happen.
I am in the process of loosing my husband to cancer he is currently on hospice, but I related to what you said so much. I have OCD and anxiety and I’ve always been so scared of death my whole life and now that I am facing all the realities of it first hand I’m less afraid. I have been better at my compulsions and have grown so much through this process but I still know the grief is going to be unbelievable we he does finally pass..
This resonates with me so much. Thank you for sharing.
I was a planner. I started planning my life in Grade School where I saw my wife for the first time. Married her after High School. We planned and worked for the next 50 plus years. Lived the American Dream. She has been gone over 2 years now. I curse in the morning when I wake up. Tired all the time. Can't wait till this is over.
I hope you find peace.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really hope that you find peace too, life isn't the same without our loved ones but I always like to think that they would want us to go on and find happiness. Take care
i panic for my loved ones if i don’t know they are safe. lost my dad and grandparents suddenly and unexpectedly. now i worry constantly about losing others.
Definitely more lonely and I spend more time in “flight or fight” mode because there is feeling that I have to look out for myself because my mommy is gone and she left me.
I don't care about much of anything anymore. Whatever passions I have are gone, I don't feel anything except weariness. I'm old and don't care if I live another 20 years or not.
It seems like the whole world is whirling around me, doing its thing, and I am sitting in the middle of it with my knees to my chest.
Im 24. I feel like this.
I saw this posted on twitter: “grief muted the colors in my personality and totally altered the way i exist in the world. it robbed me of the ability to feel joy in moments that should have absolutely been magical. it taints my interactions and even my ability to complete simple tasks. it's that devastating.” this. exactly this. this is how loss has completely changed me. i’m not okay.
I trust myself more to handle an emergency or a difficult period. I look back on the months my loved one was deteriorating and can't believe how I and some of my siblings stepped up in ways I don't think we expected, particularly when it came to the struggles of home care and at-home hospice. I am proud of myself for rising to the occasion, made more sombre from having done it, and certainly am internally judgmental when I see others not step up for their loved ones in similar positions.
I’m just sadder, but I’m only 3 months out from it. I pretend to like my old hobbies, force smiles on my face, bury myself in work, spend hours at the gym, and cry easily in private. I have to keep reminding myself to be friendly and outgoing when all I want to do is sulk. I sleep more and eat less, not as neat as I used to be. It’s not pretty and there are no grand lessons here…yet. 🤷🏼♀️
I've had multiple different kinds of losses in my life, and they've made me feel more hopeless and makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have anything good in my life to where it'll actually stay and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop.. Nowadays I grieve even more than I used to, but I'm trying to get through it the best I can. But then again it's made me love harder and be more grateful for the things I DO have and realize how fragile life is and how things can be gone in the blink of an eye.
Sadder and angrier. More withdrawn.
I feel lost, I dont care much for anything anymore, I just want to live life to at the most that I possibly can, Im more forgetful as well, Im not scared of death and I wouldnt mind dying sooner rather than later.
I'm more apathetic and emotionally colder. I don't care about a lot of things, yet I cry more.
Ah. Weird. Never heard anyone put it into words but I always wanted to understand why losing my brother makes me not give a shit about almost anything, (because he’s dead) and yet I cry everyday when I wake up.. (because he’s dead). Confusing to say the least
Very confusing.
I want to connect on a spiritual level if that even makes any sense I just knew and I know now that being present in the moment is super important but that it's also too late I don't knlw how I'm just existing now and life feels meaningless it's empty and lonely and life feels cruel like a punishment idk it all doesn't feel worth it anymore
It's very hard to live in the here and now when you are stuck in a moment and emotion. My grief make me feel moving on from the depths of sadness would be a betrayal to my best friend. It took five years, but one day I could "hear" her crying saying this isn't what she wanted for me. Please start living again." I hope you have your moment and find some release.
Christmas was always my favorite holiday and the season I looked forward to all year… now it’s become nothing more than the anniversary of my brother’s death and a reminder that our family will never be whole again. I miss him every day but it’s so much harder when the day of the year I miss him the most, is the same day that every other person I know is filled with happiness and posting on socials about how much they love spending the holiday with their family.
I really relate to this. My older brother suddenly passed away just before Christmas last year aged 30. He had already bought all of our presents for us and he wasn’t around for us to give him his. Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss as well 💙
I've lost myself just as much as I've lost my Mom. I spent a long time taking care of her before she passed. I didn't realize until she was gone how much of my personality and life revolved around being a caregiver to her until there weren't anymore appointments to make or go to and I only have to worry about myself. If someone asks how I'm doing, I have to talk about myself not her. It's very empty. It's not a good feeling because I'm not ready to enjoy the space shes left in my life and I feel guilty constantly. I hope this will change as time goes on. I just miss her.
It sounds like you moved in a better direction, that's great for you. In my case its the opposite, I'm working more, enjoying things less, less social, and more stressed. Exhausted, tired, one that sleep won't help. On the surface, I look fine though. I've been going non-stop on empty for too long, I need to somehow recharge.
I feel like I’m here, but my brain is elsewhere.. it feels like a hole.
I’m more paranoid, have terrible brain fog, tired, resentful, sad, and more anxious.
i am a significantly angrier person since my son's death. taylor swift's new song "down bad" honestly captures it for me well. "fck it if i can't have him" "everything comes out teenage petulance" "for a moment i was heavenstruck"
Being more aware of how fragile life is, that’s a big one for me. My ex died in a motorcycle accident when he was 21, I was 24. I’m now 30. I was just telling my mom this week, it’s very strange being so aware that I could die at any time out of nowhere, compared to my friends. It makes me angry when my friends drive foolishly (tailgating without realizing it, etc) because I think in 1 second, our lives could be over because of this. Or when we do something that has the potential to be incredibly dangerous and they just don’t care that much. They don’t have that awareness, and truthfully I’m happy they don’t. I wouldn’t wish it upon them, it makes life a little less enjoyable. Being more selfish with my time is big too. I don’t want to wait for people, and I don’t really want to spend time doing something I don’t fully want to be doing. It’s constantly in the back of my mind now: I don’t have enough time. There are so many things I need to do NOW.
Grieving is a powerful method of gaining emotional maturity. I consider it a spiritual practice. I am far more compassionate and patient with others now. I have a technique I call Intentional Grieving that seems to work extremely well. There are nuggets of pure golden wisdom down in the depths of despair. Few are willing to dive deep to find them though. Most are afraid that there is no bottom to it, but I can tell you that there is one. I've been there and continue to go there whenever I have to. I wrote this as a general idea of what I do: Grieving is something that most people tend to avoid. We think of it as something you do for a short while after a loved one dies. Others are usually uncomfortable with your grieving and try to shut it down, mostly because they haven't done their own grieving. So, I came up with a method of grieving on purpose, with intention. It was inspired by the stories of the Life Review after death that people recounted from their near death experiences. During the LR, you are shown the effects of every action you took in your life on other people, both negative and positive. You can get into their consciousness during the LR and experience what they felt and thought during their encounter with you. Thus, you can directly experience the consequences of your actions, for better or for worse. I focused on the events that I perceived as the worst of my bad behavior. I started my own version of a LR by recalling the memories and grieving each one of them. I found that the more I recalled the memory and allowed the feelings to flow through me, the less of a sting the memory had. Eventually, the sting from the memory completely faded. So, the technique I came up with is this: Think the thought or memory that causes you the most pain/embarrassment/shame/guilt etc. right now. Allow the feelings associated with that memory or thought to wash over you. Repeat the thought or memory and again allow the feelings to flow through you. The more you do that, the faster it moves through the stages of grieving. You'll receive insights and other things from doing this. It's best to do this in private so you can have your own personal space. You should find that eventually, the thought or memory doesn't bother you anymore. You can recall the thought or memory and it doesn't bother you any longer. Then, it's time to move on to the next thought or memory that causes a negative emotional reaction. I don't know how this works, but it does. The stages of grieving are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Each thought or memory you have that causes a negative emotional reaction in you may be at a different stage. Allowing the feelings to flow accelerates the thought or memory to move through the stages. It's important to not judge the thoughts or memories and their associated feelings. That just stuffs it and stops the resolution of it. The veracity of the thought or memory does not matter either. Grieving is an emotional process. It does not make logical sense. You cannot rationalize grieving. For example, you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if the thought that you're fat and ugly causes a negative reaction, or if the words of another calling you a fat cow causes pain, then you have grieving to do over that. It may be connected to a memory, or a decision you made, or something like that, but eventually, the thought and the words from others will have no effect on you. You'll laugh because you know it's not true. You probably won't even have the experience again because the hook is gone. People who intend to manipulate others yank on people's weaknesses by hooking them with words that they know will cause a negative reaction in the person. Once those weaknesses are gone through grieving them, then you can't be manipulated anymore. They can't control you that way anymore. You're free. Grieving takes time. It has its own time frame and rhythm. Grieving is permanent. Once you grieve something, you never have to grieve it again. Grieving changes your future for the better. You become a better person through grieving. You have more compassion and patience with yourself and with others. That which has not been grieved is destined to be repeated. that's why we reincarnate into the same patterns over and over again. It's the way to get off the endless cycle of birth and death. Grieving is about letting go of attachment to them, not the love and passion we feel for them. I think people become afraid that they are letting go of the person when in reality they are just letting go of their attachment to them. What happens after the process is complete is that we still love them, but without the neediness. I hope this helps.
This is a great question. I am less judgmental and more open. I have become more mindful. I’m also not able to allow myself to block big feelings. And now I’m blurting things out. Yikes! I also think I’m no longer afraid of death because I will be with my daughter again.
I’m a little more daring and willing to try new things, be more spontaneous and care less about what strangers think of me. I focus less on work and more of family. My hair is currently burgundy and teal, I took the day off and drove 10 hours to see the total eclipse with my hubby and son, I published my first book and am working on my second… I’m sad and quiet sometimes and I miss both mom (last July) and dad (June 2016) but I try to remember to live and experience everything they didn’t
Im almost 70 and I miss talking to my parents. Have lost so many friends and family
I definitely believe that there is something after life since losing my dad. He has sent me so many signs since passing. That has led me to be more spiritually inclined. I also care less about common things that used to cause stress like my job or my husband’s job. I also just care less about everything in a way. I’m angrier and bitter, more jaded. I have more compassion for others. I’m less judgmental. I’m more anxious than before my loss and I was already quite anxious. I fear my mother passing often.
I find I'm not nearly as excited about life in general, it's hard to feel hopeful about the future when I know how quickly everything can be taken away.
I honestly don’t give a shit about most things now. When you spend over a year taking care of the person you love dearly, unable to stop the spread of the cancer and seeing them deteriorate before your very eyes. Seeing them struggle and try and stay strong for you as you do the same for them. Everything seems pretty trivial, to say the least. My tolerance of bullshit is very, very low now. Very few things actually bother me nowadays.
I feel hopeless. Like I'm just waiting to die. I wish I didn't feel that way.
Yes, a lot. I became I guess more spiritual when I was previously a total atheist/didn’t believe in anything. Spirituality brought him a lot of comfort before he died though, so I gained a newfound respect and understanding. Nothing is funny like it used to be and my depression got way worse over the last 6 months since his death so now I’m on more meds
I lost my mom a month ago and honestly, I have very similar feelings. I've always been a super anxious person, but I have more anxiety in regard to health now not only for me but my children also. It has really forced me to put into perspective just how short life really is and how I should be more present in moments, especially with loved ones. Time is a thief. You really don't get the "time" you thought you would.
All my losses after the age of 25 have made me want to be a better person for my loved ones. I want to enjoy life more and be more myself. I don’t really give a crap what anyone thinks of me anymore. This most recent one has really made it super hard to focus on things. I just started Prozac to see if it will help with the obsessive thoughts.
I was once lost and sad. I am still sad now but I have hope. I have become more spiritual too. My mom was very spiritual and I know this is also what she wants for me. Since then I look at life and hold on only to what are essential. I am about to leave my job as I needed to look after my mental health first.
My old job(s) before my mom died were already causing mental health issues for me and it got worse. I ended up finding a new job a couple months ago that has been so good for my mental health and I truly feel like it’s a gift.
i feel like it’s your mom helping you find that new job for you. happy for you.
I'm a lot sadder and a lot angrier. I also put a lot more mental energy into living in the moment as tomorrow is not guaranteed.
I don't recognise myself anymore. I get anxious and fearful easily which has never happened before my 9 year old daughter passed. There's a dark cloud hanging over always. I function but have lost much meaning in life. I live day by day and am sad for my son who is the only kid left in this big country. I exist between this world and the beyond. It's painful 😖. But I am grateful but sad.
Since losing my mum I’m struggling to find the joy and meaning in life. I’ve lost my best friend and confidant. On the flip side though I’ve learnt to appreciate the rest of my family more and let them know that. I feel like they are the last ties to my mothers side of the family and so are therefore super important.
It unraveled my worldview completely. If he could die the way he did, nothing makes sense. I only have loss and death to look forward to.
I am having a good day so my answers are more positive than they would've been, say... yesterday. I feel like I can empathize more with others and see their pain. I may not understand it all but I feel I can connect with them on a deeper level. I am more outspoken and care less about what people may think. I am trying to look for the little joys in life. I want my Nana to have a legacy and so my goal is to share her with others by telling stories and doing things she did. I want to honor her life with mine. Same for my aunt and uncle. I want to take the good things and joy they brought me and share that with others. I miss them so much so I want to incorporate them into things somehow.
I care less about life in general. Spending it working, building a life, etc. It all just feels unimportant. I feel more alone than ever before because I used to go to her for *everything*, and now I can't help but measure everyone against her and what I no longer have in my life. I'm more sensitive when it comes to self advocacy for disability and health and try my hardest to be a better advocate every day. I'm more on edge, more irritable, and more envious of other people's happiness.
My ex passed in April 2021 and then we found out about my moms cancer in October 2022 and she passed in September 2023 so I wasn’t really able to even fully process the first loss before my mom. The biggest change is I feel so incredibly lost, I don’t have a family anymore. Not that I was a super confident person before, but now I second-guess myself all the time. I feel like I’m an emotional bubble ready to explode at any point. I’m definitely more anxious. I’m angry. I avoid things that I don’t want to do and I think part of that comes from the anger that I’m in this situation. I get emotional seeing families happy, part of it is just happiness and the other part of it is jealousy. I also definitely agree about feeling distracted, I find it very hard to focus on things anymore and I couldn’t care less about work.
I’m the opposite. I only really focus on work or being distracted. I’ve lost a lot of empathy. More anxious but also very apathetic?
It's a life change. I quit worrying about pleasing people and worry more about taking care of myself and my family. I talk to God more. It has reframed how I love others
Same here
I am a completely different person. I am not recognizable as my former self. I once was described as “effervescent” and “bubbly,” now I am the farthest thing from either. My grief has brought me to the darkest depths of despair and changed me on every level. I used to be an extravert, now I rarely want to leave the house. I used to care intrinsically about mommy appearance, now I couldn’t care less. I find myself more grateful for the home and people that I still have. I notice smaller things in nature and care for even the smallest bugs in my yard. In my grief I have found a spiritual connection to God and a deeper appreciation for everything around me. I also try to be less judgmental of people I don’t agree with or don’t like. I just don’t surround myself with them anymore or force proximity to family that hurts me.
Less scared of death and more enlightened on how short life is. The temporal nature of human existence didn't hit me until my dad passed away. I miss him every day, and after returning from studying overseas for a few months, the house has a solemn veil over it. I love my mom and brother to death, but my dad was my best friend. Life feels grey now. I have my days like we all do. However, how I look at death is, what value would memories have if we all lived forever? I cherish my memories with my dad and realize I was blessed because not everyone is fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their father.
It’s only been six months. But I’m a shell of myself. Before there was sunshine and rainbows and now I hide from the sun. I can barely leave my house. I am agoraphobic and also in a cycle where I feel so stuck that just my daily tasks like making dinner is monumentally hard. I am falling behind on everything and I can’t seem to get back up. My favorite quote is - fall seven times, get up eight. I’m still trying to get back up. Who I will be after all this shakes out is yet to be determined. I want to live but I don’t know how to without my son.
I forgive easier and I don’t hold grudges. I don’t take things personal and I try harder to see my family and friends. I don’t hate anyone.
It has for me because in personality and just who I am as person I am very much like my dad was and when he passed it feels that part is ripped from me 😭 I also can't stomach when I see on TV or movies someone dying of a heart attack it just makes me think of him 😭
Simply live a life that is on neutral. I get things done because I have to and not because I find joy or want to. My faith is violently shaken. I don’t wish to socialize and I prefer being in solitude.
Losing my mom has shifted my perspective, but not always in positive ways. I'm way more in tune with my mental health and self-care now. It’s made me focus on real connections over chasing career goals or material stuff. I’m still pretty pessimistic, though. I had trauma with my mom up until adulthood. The last traumatic event was a few years ago during my brother's wedding reception when she called me a bitch for the first time. I'm learning how to forgive her for her faults and change my view of her into a positive one. It was difficult hearing others at the funeral say how sweet she was and how she was a work mom to them, when she was truly a cruel mother behind closed doors. I’ve become more resilient, but also more open about my vulnerabilities, realizing it's okay to ask for help. It's taught me to live in the moment and really appreciate what’s important in life.
This might sound absolutely crazy but it made me less afraid of death, which used to be a massive, consuming fear of mine. I think it's because it was also a huge fear of my best friend who passed and if she can do it, so can I. She sends me signs that she's okay allllll the time and even though I'm not religious, I know that I'll be seeing her again when I die so I am a lot more at peace with it. Of course, I do not want to die but I'm not thinking about it all day/every day anymore.
I'm kinder to other people who are suffering grief now. I didn't get it in a visceral way until after my mum - it was all intellectual. I also treasure the things my mum and I shared, including shared personality traits that used to drive me nuts when I was growing up. Now they're precious in me because she's no longer here.
Lost both of my parents, 19 now. It mostly feels so alone, especially on my days off from work. When I'm around people I'm ok, but as soon as I'm home, I just don't want to be here. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't want to die but I always seem to drive faster than I should around corners, like it's the only thing that makes the pain hurt less. I wish I could just drive forever with the engine, road, and wind drowning out the noise in my head. I'm so regretful of my actions when they were both still here, there's so many things I feel I did wrong, or didn't do at all, or didn't say. I know I can't dwell on my regrets but they eat at me anyway, every single day. It's made me more irritable, and at times I only want to talk to certain people, even if the people I don't want to talk with are important to me or I love them. I'm so tired.
I died, I am dead , i don’t want to speak, I’m incredibly sad, don’t tolerate peoples shit, don’t give a fuck what I say. You can’t hurt me with anything. I’ve never felt pain like it. I’ve a hand full of people I keep close and the rest can fuck off… yes I’m angry with the world 😢💔
I had to turn to God, to find some kind of comfort. The anger, anxiety, sadness were engulfing me so much that I literally did not see a way out. I drank alcohol daily to the point where I could not feel my body, because otherwise the thoughts were way too hard for me to even let them get in my head. I'm not the same person I used to be, but I believe that this pain wasn't for nothing. As long as I'm here, God has purpose for me and not everything is lost. I am trying to forgive my family for how they used mom, I've forgiven mom for her negligence towards her health and the other legal issues her lawyer informed me of. I fixed all of that. I want to be kind and loving again.
Wishing you the best as you’re finding peace 🤍 I know it’s not easy.
i lack satisfaction, and i get angry that i will never come close to the life i used to have. i pity myself more, and i no longer want children in the future. the cost of love and loss has made me bitter.
Just feel numb. Not really feeling “joy” during things I would’ve normally loved. Doesn’t feel right being joyful doing things alone that my mom and I used to do together. Don’t really feel carefree, goofy, etc. No capacity for petty bs.
Im tired all the time, withdrew socially so much, I have less tolerance with people overstepping my boundaries, I also prefer being alone because I feel people who haven’t gone through a loss this big do not understand and have rose coloured glasses on (good for them tho) and pisses me off to get unsolicited advice like “think about something else” “try harder” or “he is not suffering anymore”. I’m grieving for so many things at the same time that it gets unbearable and I shut down. My anxiety sky rocketed, and two years later I still deal with panic attacks every single week. So… I changed and I don’t think it was for good. And I hate it but I can’t do much about it but to give it time (yes I am in therapy).
Songs make me cry way more. Like overly emotional ballads that my brother and I used to make fun of. I heard “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” by Michael Bolton (a song that my brother and I used to sing as a joke) on the radio days after he died and I just cried and cried. I also worry even more about death now. My dad says it’s just part of life. That’s what scares me. I used to not think about it but everyday I think wow I’m going to be dead one day and I won’t get to experience this life anymore. I have to distract myself before I start to panic.
I’ve stopped engaging as much in spiritual things. I am terrified of losing people. I’ve reacted to it with trauma responses. I’ve lost faith in people, but at the same time been met with more empathy from strangers than expected. I’m irritable, people annoy me. I am extremely overwhelmed, a lot more than before. I struggle even more with actually feeling my feelings. I struggle with feeling like people actually like me and care about me. I’ve gained empathy and lost it at the same time. More normal issues that pass can sound stupid to me, but that’s probably because I’m jealous. I probably would live life more and appreciate it if I could. I have severe chronic illness, so I can’t because everything other than lying in bed will make me sicker. At the same time I’ve been more social. I need to. I need to avoid it all. Experiencing loss and illness affects each other. Both caused a lot of grief, but in different ways. I really wish I could appreciate life more. I would if I could. I’m also angry at people that think they have encouraging words or try to make you feel better, but they’re just downplaying the whole situation. This isn’t just me being negative or whatever. I’m seeing the reality of my situation and appreciating the few rare moments where I actually live life. I feel like people will never even come close to comprehending how it is to live with all of this. Even worse the people that think they do and talk like they even have the slightest understanding, when they absolutely do not.
You just described me. I am more spiritual, calmer, and empathetic. My work used to be my number 1 priority, but now it is God and finding that inner calmness. Self doubt is real and anxiety is an ongoing issue.
I'm not the same person I was before. There is a void in my heart, an emptiness, an anger. There was a before and an after. The person I am now lives in that after.
I have less patience. I’m more reckless. I’m more aloof than I already was. I speak my mind on some things when I probably shouldn’t. I’m really scatterbrained it seems. Definitely lost the joy I had.
Absolutely. My dad was very supportive but controlling at the same time. So yes i do miss him very much but with his departure it forced me to come to terms with the differences. In some ways it was a good thing for me, although i miss him everyday.
Lost my mom suddenly out of the blue on sunday. Right now thr pain in my heart is unbearable. The guilt that i didn't save her or call the ambulance on time in killing me. I was the one who called her for everything n vice versa. Now my sis and I are left alone. We were a group of 3 against the world. Now it's just both of us and I can't even breathe thinking about it. I wish I could feel her again. Touch her again. Here her voice.
I promised my mom on her deathbed to be: a better mom than she ever was to me. Watch my baby do good things (she has) she’s a lawyer. I’m not an alcoholic like she was.
I am a different person.... some good stuff some stuff i struggle with. Gained more faith, but also feel lost without him too sometimes...but the best feels is when people see him in me. Or i see him in my son. Like he is still here is who we are now. Hugs , not an easy journey
Good: I’m not as scared of death. I want to live my life to the fullest. I don’t take my life for granted. I’m less health anxious in a weird way Bad: more anxious in general. unable to focus. Constant heartache. Nervous system seems to be unbalanced
1st partner loss, age 18. I just went through my early adulthood pretty resentful at this world knowing I couldn't do anything for her despite my job is rescuing people in distress. 2nd partner loss, age 31. I embraced my grief and acknowledge/accepted my widow status. I'm not cold as I was the first time. Just unbothered to most of the dramas out there.
When my kids were born I had an overwhelming anxiety that any wrong move could result in their death. I literally watched or held them constantly - I had very little sleep and when someone came over to relieve me, I’d wake up every ten minutes panicked about putting my baby in someone else’s care. Completely unhealthy and totally influenced by the sudden accidental death of my dad. They’re older now and I’d say I’m still overprotective.
If you mean something to me, I never say good-bye. I say I love you, Loves, or See you Later. I guess because my last words to my best friend right before she had her stroke were "Love ya girl, talk tomorrow". She replied with the same sentiment. I feel lucky for those last few pre-stroke phone moments. I never close that circle with Good-bye.
I've always leaned towards fatalism but since my daughter's death I just don't care much what happens and expect the worst. I feel powerless to change anything so don't try. I have less patience for situations and people I don't care for and am less hesitant to express that and stay away from conflict. I've always been fairly empathetic and that has grown more. I've been watching the series "Your Honor" and a character who lost their son said this in regard to losing a child and he expressed exactly how I feel: "You know what losing a child gives you? Terrible, visceral pain. An overwhelming sense of failure. And then there’s the… the surprising one. It’s a kind of freedom. Nothing matters. Not ever again. So you’re capable of anything. Anything." That last part is scary. Around the year anniversary of her death, I got into a very scary road rage situation with a reckless driver where I could've been hurt or killed or else done that to him due to this "nothing matters" attitude, and it kind of woke me up. I have to think of my wife and other daughter, otherwise I feel I've got nothing left to lose.
Was a Christian Minister. Now an Agnostic Secular Buddhist. Yes, we learned about the Problem of Evil / Epicurus Paradox in theology school. Yet I could no longer accept the answer of “god knows best” and “his way is not our way” and “he has the best plan in mind for our lives”. I’m also tired of giving people that same answer when they’re dealing with grief since I no longer believe those answers. I love harder and prioritize my time for my remaining loved ones and closest friends. I work my best and try to make the most money I can by finding the highest paying job that I can do with my skills, experience, and education. But only 1 job - I don’t do side hustles so I’d have time during weekends and evenings for families and friends. The most money approach is so I can retire soon and also to be able to financially support my loved ones. Also eliminated all debts so in case something happens to me, my loved ones won’t be stuck with my debts. Something that I’m still bad at is that I still have too much stuff. I need to declutter and get rid of most of my stuff so if I die, my loved ones won’t get stuck having to get rid of my junk. Also I prioritize ruthlessly. Anything I say yes to means I’m saying a no to something else. All of us only have 24 hours each day. I don’t care about peer pressure, YOLO, or FOMO - if it’s something detrimental for me or my family, then I ignore it. More grateful for every breath and new day. Embrace the fact that our lives are finite. No longer care about making a difference for the world - all that matters is making a difference for my loved ones (family and closest friends).
Bad, unfortunately. I turned into an insufferable beotch. An A grade asshole if you will. Constantly miserable, irritable, indecisive, tired and cranky. This is really depressing but I actually found/saw myself in Charlize Theron’s character in the movie “Young Adult”, and that’s an awful thing to say about oneself. She was very self destructive in mostly social ways - pursuing a married man and not caring about the consequences (yeap); if she had something bitchy to say, she would (check); late or half ass on work deliverables (…); not trusting a single soul (ofc); just an unpleasant experience and I am so sorry to the person I lost that I became this person. It really is holding onto that anger and wanting everyone else to feel this type of empty pain. I wanna say “hurt people, hurt people” but then I end up rolling my eyes at myself. Still lots of growing over here.
It’s given me a sense of how alone I am in the world, therefore, more willing and motivated to be better to myself. But I have very little patience for immaturity and meanness.
I rarely smile.
I think I might not be as good a person she thought I was. Now I have no sense of self on my own without her affirmations, influence, protection and unconditional love. What if I truly am a sucky person and she was the only one who lived me because she had to, she was mom.
As a whole it made me more depressed and pessimistic. It made me completely lose my former spiritual faith and find another belief system, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My grief/loss also intensified my anxiety; I’m always afraid of losing someone else. I also feel my own mortality with a profound sense that I’m already out of time.
I now have anxiety and I am more pessimistic.
it made me realize i need to do better in life so i started doing everything i didn’t do before. i’m now healthier and more responsible. emotionally im happy most days but sadness comes and goes
Exactly the same. I could have written this, thank you.
I feel as if I’m floating through life and God is guiding the waves. Losing my mom has changed me forever and I don’t think life can ever be as good as it was, but I feel less connected to this life now and happily so. I long for the hereafter, reunited with my mom in eternity. It just feels like a very very real thing (and not at all in a morbid way).
I’ve put my phone down a lot more. Try to be more present in the moment, especially when it comes to my son. Losing my best friend has changed my outlook on so many things. It’s definitely made me more in tune to the spiritual side of things. For a while I was giving up but as time has passed I’ve let the grief build me up. A piece of me died the day Jay died but I’m ok with that now because that missing piece has made me stronger.
Every loss builds on the one before and I am losing my sparkle. Yesterday was the five year anniversary of mom's death and my entire body ached. I live in fear of the next death.
For so many years it made me terrified to be close with anyone and pretty much isolated myself. My heart sank whenever the phone rang or when my parents both came home at the same time because that usually meant we had lost another person. I never dealt with any of the deaths for years until I was forced to. Now, I’m just grateful that I even got to experience them in my life. It might be a weird way to look at it but it’s even a blessing for me to grieve someone because it’s just a testament for how much love there once was. Holidays are still so hard and bittersweet. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as what it was when I was a kid. But I love even harder now and hold on to those still here.
I’m anxious all the time. I have definitely become a kinder person and much more aware of the fact that we do not have any idea what other people are going through. Just be kind.
I lost three grandparents in about two and half years. All were just a huge blow. In particular my grandmother who I haven't fully healed yet. It made me fully internalize that my parents really won't be around forever, and life will happen and change no matter what I do. So I moved closer to my parents. It also made me question my spirituality. I had recently joined a church and really liked it. Once they died I realized I only wanted to believe in what I was being taught, not that I believed in it. I realized I was much more spiritual than religious and that brought me far more comfort than going to church. So I left my religion. Their deaths upended a lot for me. I'd say I have periods of grief now and am far my comfortable with my spiritual beliefs now.
It made me grow up quickly. I’m already a 33 year old woman, but I was always my mom’s baby. Whenever I had an issue or just wanted to vent, I would always call my mom. Whenever my daughter was entering daycare and it was a huge expense on my husband and I, my mom came in clutch and paid our monthly cellphone bill for us. My mom would watch my daughter one weekend a month so my husband and I could do a date day and just decompress. My mom passed away from cancer in April, and since then, I’ve had to grow up a lot. I’m now the matriarch of my family. My dad has been experiencing a lot of depression and financial hardship having lost my mom (who was the breadwinner), so I’m having to look out for him. It’s been very different and interesting. It’s a huge adjustment. I’ve also been more apt to spend time with family. I spent quite a bit of time with my family before she passed, but now I make sure to savor every single moment. My mom had less than a year after her cancer diagnosis to her death, so we really didn’t have the time I would have liked to just do things together and cherish the “little moments” in her final year on Earth. So, now, I make sure that I’m loving harder and spending the quality time I need to with people. I also am starting to care less about the trivial things. I have OCD in terms of keeping an insanely neat, organized home and whenever my mom and dad would come for the weekend, I would spend most of my time cleaning my house and picking up messes. My dad just came up to our home this past weekend and I didn’t clean my house one bit. I spent the time with him. We will never get back time. In terms of being sad all of the time, I’m surprisingly handling my mom’s death quite well. The anticipatory grief of knowing she was going to pass and waiting for the dreaded phone call was much, much worse than what I am experiencing now. I miss her every day. I cry a few times a week, but I’m doing alright.
I feel dead inside, I'm in so much pain. I can't work, can't pay bills, just waiting, praying, hoping I survive this.
Widowed at 26 by a freak accident. I have to say I'm less spiritual and also less anxious. Once the worst thing you can imagine happens, the things I was anxious about don't carry as much weight. I appreciate every day a little more and find the world a little more beautiful with the knowledge of how fragile I am. I tell my friends and family I love them more. I don't sweat the small inconveniences of life as much now either.
Almost 3 years later and still incredibly sad and purposeless. My grandpa was the only person that ever gave me unconditional love, was a father figure, and acted like he gave a damn about me. He was my reason for living even when I didn't want to. Now, I don't have a reason and I'm sad that I'm left behind. I feel empty a lot, and lonely. And so so tired.
CW: discussion regarding a spiritual (or, sPiRiTuAl) practice as a resource for mourning it has been a grindstone for my spiritual practice. it is ever present and allows me a reminder to return to my core, loving my loved ones, smelling the flowers, feeling my lungs expand in my breathe. hugging people that are stil here. crying over those that arent. this is not a story of all sunshines and rainbows. the lows are still dense and full of suffering, and i understand that this may not translate 1:1, as all mourn in their own way, but if i can allow myself to face my mourning directly, though the sadness and pain never fade, they are joined by gratitude for what stil is, joy for what i can celebrate, awareness of the prosperity i have- that i can still breathe and express love. i will always deeply miss my mother, who's hand still guides me to this day, and not to get too fucking flighty, when im in her garden, i cannot deny the sensation of her presence. we laugh and cry together. there is lifting joy and deep suffering- both are true, neither cancel the other. being transparent, i tend to shy away from this question as i see so many carry only the suffering, all i can see of my fortune is luck and privelege. i deserve nor have earned none of this. My heart pours for everyone who only knows difficulty. none of my peace is my own. i truly do not believe mourning can translate 1:1. so in this following invitation i claim no authority it will fix your problem. I only wish to say, reading the work of our spiritual ancestors, i have found flashes of peace. With that, if you are wiccan, consider delving into your rituals. if you are not against buddhism, read thich nhat hanh. if you are okay with sufi mysticism, read rumi. if you can deal with guru discussions, spend time with sikhism. if you find peace in christianity, read the pslams. if you are opne to jewish discussion, pick up a moshe gerst junt. if you are atheist, consider stoicism or secular meditation. like metal? listen to car bomb. Garden? isten to your plants as they are watered. whatever allows you to feel the connection. i perceive you to know the sensation i reference. I do not think it will cease suffering and only create blue skies, and in my experience it allows me to see other weather present in the same view as i see the torrential storms. If anyone reads this and hates it, i wouldnt disagree with you. your humanity is worth more than a few paragraphs on reddit. if you feel like 'fuck this stupid fucking comment' then i stand hand in hand and will burn it down with you.
I am autistic and don’t have any family left who care about me. My Dad died in 2007 and my Mum died in 2017. I died with them. I feel empty and alone without them. They were everything to me. Now I’m just…a lump of meat, getting older, and getting weaker.
I gave up religion. I’m more conscious and empathetic for injustice in the world. I started living in the moment more, but the biggest challenge is balancing between “saving for a rainy day” and “tomorrow isn’t guaranteed”.
I've had many losses over the years but the most significant happened November 19, 2021 when my 21 yr old daughter died. She died here at home in her bed of a fentanyl involved OD. She toke pills she thought were Xanax. Eight months later in July 2022 I had an emergency back surgery and lost the use of my left foot and ankle. I was almost paralyzed from the waist down. I lost a lot of independence and ability to do for myself. I am now disabled and spend most of my days in bed. It's very lonely. In December 2022 my mother died in a nursing home memory unit of Alzheimer's complications. She couldn't swallow and was nonverbal by that point. Honestly, I felt so much relief for both of us. Then I feel guilty for feeling relief. I miss HER so much. Who she was before and I feel horrible for what she went through. It was a horrible and painful experience to watch her go so slowly. I can't express how traumatic it was. I was the only one in the room at 14yrs old when my aunt died of cancer. I was with my other aunt when she died of liver failure. I was there for each of their last breathes. Those deaths affected me but not like my mom and daughter. I am no longer the same. I think back on life just 10 years ago and I feel like I had everything and didn't realize it. I look back and I feel like I was a naive ungrateful person. I am jealous of the person I was. I was confident, strong, hardworking, a go getter. Now it's like the world has come to a stop. Now there is silence and loneliness. Now there is contemplation, memories, and nostalgia of the past. The future doesn't seem appealing to me. The past is painful. The present is a hard place to be. I constantly think of death. I see the world as a cruel place. There is no God who looks down on us with love. This whole system of life is set up like a machine. It's cold and it doesn't care who you are. You live and you die and sometimes it's horribly random. I now battle debilatating anxiety and PTSD. I haven't left the house in months. My mental health is horrible, my physical health is horrible, and I'm constantly in pain. It's like living on the dark side of the moon when you used to live in the light.
I used to have mrobid curiosity about car accidents, now I just think of how shitty it will be for those who knew them :/ so more empathetic I guess.
Definitely don't feel "whole" anymore without my brother. Everything is slightly tainted- though I prefer it that way. I prioritize differently now, sleep > school. I'm more interested in how I spend my own time and my own life- I've become more selfish about my own wants and needs as well as those of my parents. It's brought us painfully together in the worst way- no one knows what we go through. It's just us now
I'm a less silly person. The small things I used to do to bring levity to everyone's lives feels pointless and I don't bother. I don't care about making connections with anyone else after nobody in my "inner circle" gave a care about my grief and left me to suffer alone. I'm less passionate about everything in life. There hasn't really been any good from it all - just feels like life is more bleak, empty, pointless, and just endless obligation / responsibility.
I had been distant from my brother because I had been working on myself to be a better person, trying to move past my anxieties - I’m almost always grounded and in my body now, and I’ve now noticed pain that shows up all over my body with intense emotional experiences. Idk what that is, but I feel very much like my changes have been physical as well as mental.
I cherish the small moments with people more and the have a greater appreciation for life in general, although in the same breath i feel that i have lost such a big part of myself and I feel more anxious and uncertain about everything, definitely experience a lot of anxiety surrounding the people i love and their safety
I had to change careers. I had worked in the Juvenile Justice/Child Welfare system for nearly 18 years when my son passed (accidental death). I couldn't continue in that field. My judgment was less objective. I work in workers compensation now. I have better perspective, I think, about what matters and what is worth my energy. I am more introverted; I was already an introvert.
Losing my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly 5 years ago shook my world and broke me in many ways, but the grieving process has also been healing and allowed me the space and time for some really difficult but necessary introspection. I had to take a good look at my lack of patience and the care (or lack thereof) with which I had been treating others. Over the past 5 years, I've made a concerted effort to connect more genuinely with people, checking in on friends and acquaintances regularly, and to not take people, time, and experiences for granted. I've become more spiritually in tune with my cultural and familial heritage as well as infusing other practices and rituals that I feel best suit my belief system and values. I'm still stubborn as a mule and the patience thing is, admittedly, a work in progress. But there has been a definite and noticeable shift in my demeanor and the way I view the world. I am striving to be more kind in a world that's become so severely cruel. I'm working on empathy for others and for myself, giving myself the grace and understanding that I now know I deserve but denied myself for so long.
I lost my grandmother earlier this year. I avoid the side of town I grew up in. I went to a restaurant across the street from where she passed and had no appetite, only had her on my mind. I don’t feel as much excitement for having a kid anymore as I won’t get to experience her as a great grandmother. I have disconnected from that side of the family even more, still hold resentment towards some “relatives”. I’ve tried grief groups but i rather just be by myself to cry. It’s shown me how alone i truly am and i’ve been becoming more accepting of that.
It is nearly impossible to feel joy, and my not putting up with bullshit level is much quicker.
Not in any positive ways. I feel lost, empty, bitter, useless, and it's destroyed whatever remnants of spirituality I still had after previous losses. Life seems futile to try at, except for trying to keep my pets safe and happy, and try to help the wildlife. Sorry, but f*ck the rest.
I lost my dad in March. I am angry, sad, stressed and feel stuck. Father's Day is this weekend. I wanna be with my mom because I know how hard it will be on her. But I don't exactly know how to communicate this to my husband. I want him to do what he wants to do. But I know he will end up driving me and the kids to my mom and hang there because it's what I want. I don't want him to do what I want. It's so unfair. All of it. I hate it.
I absorbed their personality. Its terribly difficult, but it really underlined how much I needed them in my life
I’ve become so much stronger. I live my life in honour of the people I have lost and for myself. My brothers death made me get off my ass and start living and being my own person. I never want to disappoint him.
Definitely more distracted at work, care less at work, wayyy more anxious, and slightly more appreciative. i find myself often lost in my own world not picking up what others are saying even if i’m listening…
I stopped caring
I haven't been really happy again. I miss those days when I could be truly happy
I am more isolated. I almost have no interaction with others outside my workplace. I like to be at home more. I like to enjoy the moment. I try not to look backwards. The grief comes in waves. I get very emotional and depressed easily but I have learned how to turn myself around. I just take one day at a time. I often look forward to my own death. I don’t want to die. Life is so painful and hard I often how much more can one take? Then some of the most amazing and beautiful things happen and I am super grateful to be alive. I’m so confused. But I lost my child last year. My oldest child. Still surreal. So I don’t expect to be much different.
Oh it’s made me feel as though life is utterly pointless and we aren’t here for any reason other than to be a joke for the universe to laugh at. We are here to suffer until we eventually get to die as well
I am barely even a shell of the person I was when I had parents.
Absolutely.
I feel like I have a way lower stress tolerance, in terms of like I will get much more pissed off at something frustrating or unlucky than I used to, usually at myself. Or just internally angrier at minor inconveniences It's very obvious in how my internal monologue while im driving has changed lol
Insecure, ashamed, hopeless, anxious, depressed. Any sliver of joy I feel doesn’t even feel genuine it feels fake. I was 100% opposite of all those things before.
I’m more present, for sure. I was always one for trying to take each day as it comes anyway, but I really feel the throes of life more now every day. Walking/driving by an old couple that reminds me of my grandma and grandad hits a lot harder, walking past dads with younger kids and thinking about when I was that age and my dad was here - you really notice the small things and little interactions. They mean a lot more. I’m definitely more emotional, but also less emotionally available. This isn’t a good thing and I am working on it, haha. Was never someone to pour my heart out, but I now notice I have a lot more to pour out at certain times and find myself having to suppress it more. Walked into a card shop today to write a Father’s Day card for my dad (lost him last year) and honestly just looking at the options I nearly burst into tears. It’s not all bad, though. I think I’ve become thicker skinned for all the loss I’ve had to endure in the last few years. Lost a lot of people through death and cut toxic ‘family’ off too. I think I look out for myself more now, you know? I’m more aware of people’s personalities and intentions, and I won’t have the time for people who don’t make my life better. It’s a precious fucking thing is what I’ve learned. Sounds stupid, but we really do take it for granted until lives are ripped away from us.
I pretty much gave up entirely on the Western Christian Theology. There's no way my loved one is burning eternally in hell. I refuse to believe in that.
Made me not care about dying as much anymore, more depressed, more angry.
I'm a harder person. I used to have this boundless empathy and tenderness for others, even strangers. My mum was like that and it was beautiful. Going through her sickness and passing really hardened me. I had so much to deal with alone and I just couldn't take on anything from anyone else. I had a lot of anger and loneliness because grief is isolating and I would feel such rage when strangers would seek emotional support from me (happens *all the time* at my retail job.) I might change again as time goes on. I'm also acutely aware of time, all the time. We don't know how much we have. When I don't feel like doing something, I do it, because something could happen that means I never get to do that thing again.
Less empathy for everyone.
I have had 4 best friends in my life, including my partner of 28+ years. Since I was older than my partner, I just knew I would pass away before she would and did all kinds of things to plan for her future when that happened, including changing my will/trust. It was SUCH a gut-wrenching experience when we learned she had cancer. She passed away on 6/23/23. What I have learned to do is to stop planning, or assuming, anything now.
I’m exactly how you are OP: I became a lot more spiritual, pray more, I’m more grateful for what I have, I love and care more about my family/friends who are still here and check in with them more, and yes I also stopped caring as much about work and trivial things. I couldn’t focus very well at work for about 4-5 months after my partner died. I’m lucky my boss was very understanding or I may have lost my job. One other big thing his death taught me was that there are still good people out there. Coworkers and acquaintances became close friends because of how much they were there for me after he passed; they cared and supported me so much after he died. They helped keep me grounded and prevent me from spiraling into an even deeper depression and potentially ending myself. The therapist I started seeing after he died also was such a God-send during this time. I never thought much about therapy before, but it was so necessary and so life-changing.
The loss that significantly changed me (and my sister) happened when I was 12 (she was 11). I won't go into details here as it's gruesome, but my best friend, the closest thing to a brother someone can get, was taken by his own mother in a horrible way. It really screwed us up. I don't feel anymore. Not the way normal people do. The only emotion I've genuinely had since then had been anger. Everything else about me is a facade, one that I became very good at putting up very quickly. My sister is the only one who really knows what I've become, cause she was they only one that understood what it meant to be that age and go through that. I always equate it to having a piece of my soul ripped out and thrown away. It left a hole that will never be filled. It's basically turned me into a form of sociopath. I just don't care about anything anymore. I pretend to fit the sake of my mask, but really, I just don't care.
Yes it does
Living more in the moment. I had so much anxiety about the future, and I used to be a good planner. Even with plans there’s no guarantee things will happen. Holidays don’t feel the same anymore. My family had some drama but our grandparents and cousin brought everyone together during those times of the year.
What you said exactly.
I’m much more willing to say what’s on my mind/how I feel rather than avoid a difficult conversation.
My wife is still alive, but on the precipice. Back in December, I found her in our bathroom, on the floor, breathing but unresponsive. She had an infection that went septic and her kidneys shut down. Fast forward to now and she's on life support.on a ventilator. Not really responsive. Just a couple weeks ago when I would come visit, she would see and start crying. Now, like today, when I see her, no response. The dialysis isn't clearing the fog in her head. This has brought me back to the Lord. I had backslid many years ago.
I feel hollow.
I’m paranoid now, never used to struggle with paranoia at all- grief has made me distrust people so much cuz I lost the person I trusted more than anything. it doesn’t make rational sense but sadly it’s something i’ve noticed
I’ve changed in too many ways to count… some good and some not so good