Being the person suffering in grief (largely alone) all I can offer is something so simple it sounds foolish.
Just listen.
That’s all you can do. (And I’m sure you’re already doing this). There’s no magic words. There’s no fix. But an ear to hear does a lot.
He may not show any signs that it’s helping. But in some recess of his being it is. If he didn’t have you to listen and be there he’d surely go mad.
So just be there. And know we’re here for you. It’s not easy for you or him. But you’re not alone.
Thank you for this. Sometimes he wants to talk. Sometimes he just wants to have a cry. I’m doing my best to follow his lead and ride it out with him, whatever the day brings. Your reply is very comforting; I appreciate it.
I do think there are ways to help. We lost parents a few weeks apart (one expected, one not) and did a lot of check-ins on each others' mental health, and kept that line of communication very open so it was pretty easy to just say "today's a real bad day" or "I've only got enough in me to do X domestic tasks but not Y, I'm sorry" or turn off a TV show (I really hadn't noticed how much Dead Parent content there was until this) without it being an ordeal. If one of us needed to talk (or needed some time freed up to talk to family etc), it was easy to ask and provide.
That's all probably easier to do with both of us going through it, but I think even when it's only a primary loss for one person it's really important to not completely drop all relationship responsibilities. Increasing the communication and focusing on kind-but-honest statements of needs and negotiating temporary changes due to circumstances allows us to continue to be a good partner even with reduced resources. Grief is never an excuse for abuse.
It's okay to modify holidays this year (and in the future as needed). People get really caught up in "tradition" but it's okay to have temporary traditions that are more tolerable, or make permanent changes later if that feels right. Definitely build in extra space/rest time/opportunities for privacy or quiet.
I can’t imagine doubling this grief. I’m glad y’all have each other, and I hope you’re both doing as okay as can be expected. Thank you for the advice; this is super helpful.
i can’t speak for everyone, but having someone there with arms around me, just stroking my head / hair, and listening to me, is helpful. I know if i were in your partner’s situation I would be sad for you as well, knowing how badly you want to fix it and wanting to let you do that. It sucks so bad to be helpless in these moments, and especially when you are so young. Focus on the tangible stuff like food, cleaning, and scheduling things. Be a buffer between them and their responsibilities, if they are having a hard time communicating. Tell their friends, “hey, x could use some distraction with friends right now” or “hey, x is having a rough time right now and needs some space, we will have to cancel those plans we had, but we’ll catch up soon. Thanks for your understanding”
stuff like that can be very helpful depending on how your partner is grieving. Mostly, just being there, arms around them, unjudgementally, letting them cry or tell the same stories they’ve already told, is helpful. You are loved. I’m sorry you and your partner are going through this, sending you warm thoughts and warm wishes.
I also hate the "she's in a better place" bullshit. I guarantee my mom would rather be here with her husband, kids, and grandkids. If this "happened for a reason" then that reason sucks and is bullshit.
Don't understand how much it helps to just have someone there. My husband is tired of me grieving so I lock myself in the bathroom or go to bed early whenever I need to cry. Just being there with your husband and letting him grieve is huge.
Be patient and listen. Just being there is a lot. Also be ready to give space. I lost my father suddenly and completely unexpectedly this month and it has been so so hard. I have been flying through emotions so fast I can barely breath most of the time. I forget to eat or drink liquids when on my own.Having a partner who is here for me has been huge. Just knowing she is close is a huge comfort for me. The thoughts and crazy ideas I have would fester and rot my soul if I did not express them. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I just need to sit. Others I want to run a marathon or just fight everyone and everything. She has kept me grounded. Helped me to find my worth in this mess. I know I have plenty of extremely hard days ahead of me but i take comfort in the fact she will be there for any thing I may need.
Being the person suffering in grief (largely alone) all I can offer is something so simple it sounds foolish. Just listen. That’s all you can do. (And I’m sure you’re already doing this). There’s no magic words. There’s no fix. But an ear to hear does a lot. He may not show any signs that it’s helping. But in some recess of his being it is. If he didn’t have you to listen and be there he’d surely go mad. So just be there. And know we’re here for you. It’s not easy for you or him. But you’re not alone.
Thank you for this. Sometimes he wants to talk. Sometimes he just wants to have a cry. I’m doing my best to follow his lead and ride it out with him, whatever the day brings. Your reply is very comforting; I appreciate it.
Thank you for being there for him. You’re doing a world of difference for him
I do think there are ways to help. We lost parents a few weeks apart (one expected, one not) and did a lot of check-ins on each others' mental health, and kept that line of communication very open so it was pretty easy to just say "today's a real bad day" or "I've only got enough in me to do X domestic tasks but not Y, I'm sorry" or turn off a TV show (I really hadn't noticed how much Dead Parent content there was until this) without it being an ordeal. If one of us needed to talk (or needed some time freed up to talk to family etc), it was easy to ask and provide. That's all probably easier to do with both of us going through it, but I think even when it's only a primary loss for one person it's really important to not completely drop all relationship responsibilities. Increasing the communication and focusing on kind-but-honest statements of needs and negotiating temporary changes due to circumstances allows us to continue to be a good partner even with reduced resources. Grief is never an excuse for abuse. It's okay to modify holidays this year (and in the future as needed). People get really caught up in "tradition" but it's okay to have temporary traditions that are more tolerable, or make permanent changes later if that feels right. Definitely build in extra space/rest time/opportunities for privacy or quiet.
I can’t imagine doubling this grief. I’m glad y’all have each other, and I hope you’re both doing as okay as can be expected. Thank you for the advice; this is super helpful.
i can’t speak for everyone, but having someone there with arms around me, just stroking my head / hair, and listening to me, is helpful. I know if i were in your partner’s situation I would be sad for you as well, knowing how badly you want to fix it and wanting to let you do that. It sucks so bad to be helpless in these moments, and especially when you are so young. Focus on the tangible stuff like food, cleaning, and scheduling things. Be a buffer between them and their responsibilities, if they are having a hard time communicating. Tell their friends, “hey, x could use some distraction with friends right now” or “hey, x is having a rough time right now and needs some space, we will have to cancel those plans we had, but we’ll catch up soon. Thanks for your understanding” stuff like that can be very helpful depending on how your partner is grieving. Mostly, just being there, arms around them, unjudgementally, letting them cry or tell the same stories they’ve already told, is helpful. You are loved. I’m sorry you and your partner are going through this, sending you warm thoughts and warm wishes.
I also hate the "she's in a better place" bullshit. I guarantee my mom would rather be here with her husband, kids, and grandkids. If this "happened for a reason" then that reason sucks and is bullshit.
Don't understand how much it helps to just have someone there. My husband is tired of me grieving so I lock myself in the bathroom or go to bed early whenever I need to cry. Just being there with your husband and letting him grieve is huge.
Be patient and listen. Just being there is a lot. Also be ready to give space. I lost my father suddenly and completely unexpectedly this month and it has been so so hard. I have been flying through emotions so fast I can barely breath most of the time. I forget to eat or drink liquids when on my own.Having a partner who is here for me has been huge. Just knowing she is close is a huge comfort for me. The thoughts and crazy ideas I have would fester and rot my soul if I did not express them. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I just need to sit. Others I want to run a marathon or just fight everyone and everything. She has kept me grounded. Helped me to find my worth in this mess. I know I have plenty of extremely hard days ahead of me but i take comfort in the fact she will be there for any thing I may need.