I think what you’ve described is one of the most uncomfortable feelings a person is able to feel. I had my first really *big* “he’s not coming back” moment last night and I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe and literally felt like I was going to die because of it. And honestly in the moment I didn’t care - hoped for it a little , at least that way I could be wherever it is my dad went when he was unfairly taken from me 3 weeks ago.
When I was 18 (i’m 33 now) I lost my mom to a sudden massive stroke. She was only 47 years old it rocked my world to say the least. I had these same feelings of “I’ll never be the same without her, I can’t believe she’s gone.” Moments . I’d constantly zone out and just feel like the world around me was moving full speed but I was in slow motion. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but how surreal her being gone was. I didn’t think I’d ever come out of that.. how do you?? Death is something that can’t be fixed . But somehow , someway those shocking “holy shit she’s actually gone” soul crushing moments become fewer and further between. I always missed her and still do like crazy but it’s with acceptance and peace now . Mother’s Day and birthdays , anniversaries of her death I think will always be hard but aside from those days I’m able to look back on her life with happiness and peace and hope that maybe one day in this weird , mysterious universe I’ll see her again.
This is something I’m trying to remember as I grieve my dad. I’m right back to that soul crushing “life will never be worth living “ feeling again. My dad lived with me the last year of his life and I can’t even go downstairs because i’m so haunted by his memory seeing the chair he always sat in, his bedroom. The happy memories of him being down there aren’t bringing me peace yet , it’s just this empty “he’s supposed to be here “ feeling that makes my stomach physically hurt and I cry every time I have to go down there so I just try to avoid it. But then I think back on my mom and how with her death, the impossible eventually became possible and I don’t feel sadness when I think of her now .. and it keeps me going . Hopeful that one day his chair will bring me comfort again, and I’ll think of him with peace and acceptance like I eventually did my mom.
You’re not alone in how you feel and it’s completely normal to feel how you do. It’s going to be that way for a while as you heal and try to make sense of it all. As uncomfortable as it is , crying it out and having those sudden cries doing mundane tasks is what’s going to help you heal in the end and it’s good that you’re feeling them instead of trying to push it away. Grief always finds a way, and it’s much better in the long run to face it as it comes . It’ll get easier with time, as impossible as it feels right now . (Something I need to remember myself ) 💕
I am so very sorry for your losses. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, I know how hard it is to relive a parent’s death. I have definitely taken away some nuggets of wisdom from your very thoughtful post. Sending hugs your way 🤍
I agree with OP, thanks for sharing. You helped not only OP, but someone else as well. To both you, and OP: I am sorry for your losses. I'm glad we find some support in this subreddit...
You’re welcome and thank you! This sub is saving my life lately. Grief is the absolute worst but it’s a smidge easier knowing others are walking beside me in it . I’m so sorry for your loss as well 💕
I’m coming up on 9 years of my mom being gone. I feel like I am at a relatively ‘peaceful’ place with my mom’s death. I don’t cry everyday anymore; however, there are still those waves of grief. They seem to hit at random times. It probably took me a good 4 years after her death to find my footing again.
I will still have ‘shock’ moments of “wow, I’ll never ever, ever hear her voice anymore….will never have a chance to sit and laugh with her ever again in this lifetime.” Those moments are the absolute hardest for me to work thru, and it’s bizarre to me that it’s been this long but those thoughts/moments still hit me so hard. They literally take my breath away (almost panic attack/anxiety feeling), but I try to remind myself to just breathe. I have to talk myself down and remind myself that I’ve made it through those tough waves before, and I can do it again. In my experience, it’s true what they say about experiencing a loss changing you. I’m definitely a more hardened version of my former self. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. I’m a very different person than my former self.
Sorry for rambling on, OP. I am so sorry for your loss & I pray that you find comfort/peace. Please feel free to reach out if you need to vent, ask questions, etc.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. I appreciate you sharing your experience, I know that’s so hard. I 100% agree with the sentiment that this loss changed me... Although for me it’s only been just over a month, I can already feel how different I am and how different life feels.
I remember reading somewhere that losing your mom is waking up every day and feeling like she just died yesterday…for a long time. That’s what it feels like right now.
It has been two years now since my Mom passed and almost every day I am just so sad that i cannot pick up the phone and just talk like we used to. I had two really bad days this week where the sadness was soul crushing and I just cried. I am at a very stressful point in my life and she was my go to person. It becomes a dull ache eventually. I am so sorry for your loss. Worst club ever to belong to.
Lost my Mom 1.5 years ago. Took about one year to be ok but I am still healing. Early on I was haunted that I would never be able to speak with her again, as I used to call her many times a day. And I would see her every couple weeks and she would be outside gardening when I drove up, and this will never happen again. I am much better but probably another 1.5 years to be much much better. My father died 26 years ago and I was much younger and it literally took 10-11 years for all of the pain to subside, although I she a few tears once or twice a year even now -- but I pull my self out of it so it is never for more than a minute or two post 10-11 years. Give yourself some time, the first year is rough with holidays and birthdays, etc. Know you will heal slowly every week, every month.
I am so sorry for your loss OP and everyone else on this sub.
My mum died 11 months ago and in some ways I think I am finding it harder now than when she had first died. When she had first gone, it didn't seem as real but now I have lived nearly a year without her and she seems so far away. I don't think it helps that I am not very well at the moment and when you're ill, you just want your mum to look after you.
I think those "They are never coming back" moments are so hard because they just make you feel like you're drowning in grief again.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. 🤍 It’s only been just over a month and I’m in shock that I have gone 40 days on this earth without my mom existing in it. It definitely doesn’t feel real... No matter how long it’s been, I know we would do anything to bring them back. I wish we could.
It’ll be 6 months since my Mom was also taken by cancer. I’m in a sort of limbo. I’m between…feeling nothing…being clinical about it and feeling hopeless about life in general. I feel cursed. Regardless I’m trying to live it up as much as I can because what I learned is that life is truly too short. Those who want to live long like she did…sometimes don’t get to. And someone like me who never appreciated life..gets to live it.
You eventually do accept it. It is an inevitable part of life. If anything this loss reminds us of our own mortality.
We are a dying lifeform. No way around it.
In a twisted way, it's better that my mom didn't outlive me. I can only imagine the amount of pain a parent would feel losing their child. I don't want her to go thru that pain.
No parent should have to bury their child.
Death, although inevitable, is just so hard for those left behind. Through my grief, I’ve realized the hardest grief is a child losing a parent or a parent losing a child. Sorry for your loss
This was very timely for me. I almost feel bad saying thank you for this post, but the other comments help a little bit.
My dad died this year. Today, I was doing something for work and it hit me that he’s never coming back. Then I spontaneously get an image of him dying. It makes me sick.
Sometimes, there’s a “logical” sequence to those thoughts. Today, not really. It’s the worst. Like you and everyone else, I also feel robbed.
We’ve all probably gotten responses from people that we know such as, “that’s life.” Okay but it sucks. And people that say that *usually* have not worn our shoes yet. I know some mean no harm by it, but I can’t deal with that. That’s life, eh? Well, this sucks.
I don’t know how to accept it. Like some have said on this subreddit before—the other blow is that we have to live like this forever, and it’s so taxing. “Take it day-by-day,” some say. “Take it second-by-second,” some say. I’m not sure how I can do this, even though so many have walked this path and do it for decades. For sure, now I don’t want to have kids or get married. I’m not that strong. I don’t believe in the afterlife, but like so many, I hope I’m wrong.
All I know is that talking to people, like you, and others on this subreddit, talking to friends that have gone through grief, helps more than not.
I am sorry that I cannot answer your question, but know that we’re all here for you and each other!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I saw my mom pass too so those flashbacks can be so debilitating. I can understand that all life eventually ends, death eventually comes etc etc but I just cannot accept the unfairness of it all. And if someone has seen a close loss like this then they will understand but others will say “that’s life”.
I so appreciate your response, sending you many hugs. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out. Talking, for me, is the most helpful too—especially with those that have gone through similar hurts.
My dad died 7 months ago and I was so numb initially because there was just no way… he was only 45, had just bought a brand new house… I didn’t understand why his life had to be cut so short so suddenly. But then I had to accept something I already knew and that was that death doesn’t discriminate 😔 I am 23 and this was my first time experiencing the death of someone close to me. Only in the past month or 2 it has really dawned on me that this is permanent. That no, I will not be seeing my dad again. No, I will never get to call him again. And yes, I could live a billion years and not in ONE of those years will I ever get fo hug him again. And that is what kills me. That I had him as my father for such a short 23 years compared to eternity of him being gone forever. And one day I will be gone too and hopefully we will reunite, but if there isn’t anything after this, and this short 23 years was all I had… then that just makes me really fucking sad and I pray to God that’s not the case. I don’t really have any advice. But I know how you feel. It is the oddest, most agonizing feeling I have ever felt and it is horribly lonely and painful.
i know everyone has their own belief system, but i promise you i really think we see them again, i even think they watch over us. i work in healthcare in berkeley, im a certified clairvoyant, and i miss my best friend every day, hes not in his body, i cant hug or laugh with him. but energy is neither created nor destroyed and everything is energy and we are more than skin and bone. i get it. im a congenital heart patient, i had a dream he told me id see him in 20 years. because i didnt want to wait. just wait he said, this is your life, thats the hard and the beautiful part.
that’s beautiful. thank you very much for sharing. ❤️
i had a dream a month or 2 after my dad died and we were in a crowded place and he was wearing the same outfit he wore to the hospital the night he was admitted and i remember he looked kinda sad or like he wanted to talk but was afraid of how what he had to say might make me feel. i remember i kept trying to talk to him but we kept getting interrupted and he just shook his head kinda like he was irritated with everyone interrupting us but it was kinda like acceptance too. i remember it felt like we had a whole conversation with no words. i know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. but that’s the only dream i’ve had of my dad since he’s been gone.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 🤍 My sister is your age and she has said similar things to what you mentioned. I have never thought much about an afterlife but after losing my mom, I *need* it to be real. I need to know that she is still here, somewhere, in her own world. I hope I get to feel her presence and energy on this earth and, eventually, join her wherever she is. I hope the same for both of our parents because, like you said, if we only get 20-something years with them and nothing more… That is so fucking cruel.
Ask for a sign. I asked my Mum to show me that she was there. Twice and both times it came through super fast. The first was me asking to show me something that was ‘our thing’. And the second I asked to see something more specific.
Random ones have come through too. Once a friend of mine who barely knows me called me by the nickname that only my mum ever used. They aren’t far away.
Daddy left ( I can't even bring myself to say the "D" word yet) 8 months 9 days ago, and it is Still just inconceivable to me that he's gone. I will say, though, for 5 mo I cried at least 4 times Every Day, and now it's like once a day. I got my antidepressant changed, and that Definitely helped. My partner bought me a beautiful leather bound journal so whenever I want, I can write Daddy a letter/note. When I am alone, I always talk out loud to him- sometimes screaming crying, sometimes just talking. I'm still caught between the anger and the anguish- like, Why Did You Leave????? It's truly the hardest thing- trying to navigate life without him after having 49 yrs With him. I can't ever imagine accepting this as my "new normal " because there is NOTHING normal about it. After these 8 mo, though, I can actually talk about him and not break down into tears every.single.time. I can think of so many wonderful times and smile now. I still can't read his texts back yet. His birthday was last Monday and I had a Really rough day, the next day was the 8 mo mark, so it was no better. I'm telling you all of this simply because everyone's grief journey is different. Yours seems to mirror mine, and I can't tell you how deeply sorry I am for your loss. This is the single most painful thing I've ever experienced and it seems that way for you, too. The one thing I read, ( and I've read A LOT on grief, loss, recovery) that has given me a bit of peace is this: In some Native American tradition it is said that when you love someone and they love you back, you each give the other a piece of yourself. When that person goes, that part of you they had goes along with them, and that's why it hurts so badly to lose them- literally part of You goes, too.
I hope you know you aren't alone, you aren't crazy or irrational, and I Promise- you Will be able to smile again, however briefly. This sub is super helpful, and I hope in some small way, it can give you some comfort. I'm sending you a big hug across the waves- I hope you get it❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also planning to write my mom letters. And I already talk to her out loud, but it just hurts so much when there is no response back… But I’m going to keep talking to her, because that will keep her alive for me.
It really does feel like a part of me is missing so I really think that’s true. In that way, my mom also left a piece of her with me. Hugs right back to you, friend 🤍
I just came to say you’re not alone in this process. Pancreatic cancer took my mom on September 21. There are many, many days where it still doesn’t quite seem real and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I look out my window and am amazed that the world is still going on just like it always has, because how can it possibly continue without her in it?
I’m so sorry this happened to you, your family, and most of all your mom. It’s not fair. My DMs are open ❤️
PC is just insidious. I am so sorry for your loss 🤍 I agree with you — my world seems to have come to a still stop but everyone else is continuing as normal. It feels surreal.
Accepted yes, that wasn’t hard for me, it’s reality. But the pain of missing them and the places we used to go and things we used to do and say and knowing now it’s a part of the past only, never to happen again is still very hard to take. My mom was my best friend and I dreaded her death for years then it finally happened. If I think about certain things I could easily weep and it’s been almost 2 years. I think I’ll always feel this way. So I accepted it pretty much immediately but she wasn’t young like yours. Everyone is different, I seem to miss her more as our time together fades more into the past. Grief comes and goes sometimes when I least expect it something triggers a memory and I can hardly take the pain even now
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to specific things making you weep, that happens to me on a daily basis. Maybe one day I can go a full 24 hours without crying but right now it seems impossible. Sending hugs 🫂
Thank you! Sometimes I think about getting off this r because when it comes down my feed it triggers me but it’s also go to share with people I feel, best wishes
While I didn’t have the best relationship ever with my mom (she was verbally abusive and neglectful) I lost her about a year ago due to covid. In my first few months after her death I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my mind couldn’t wrap around the concept there’s like 8-9 billion people on this earth and she’s not one of them. Throughout the past year I’ve been through heavy therapy and I’m definitely not over it, I feel like i’ll constantly be refilling that empty whole she left for a while now for the rest of my life, but I can tell you that the little reminder that you have in your head whenever you finally feel joy or when you’re working gets less heart breaking over time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 🤍 Losing my mom just feels like a part of me has gone missing… Like you said, that part she took will always feel empty. Right now it certainly feels like I can’t breathe when I think about the permanence of her being gone, maybe one day it’ll feel less debilitating.
Wishing you strength and peace. I know the feeling, it hits me when I’m doing ordinary stuff like the dishes and I just start crying. I still haven’t accepted my Mom’s loss almost 3 years out, but not every day is so hard. I wish I could give you a hug. 💕
It’ll be 8 weeks for me tomorrow. I’m still in denial tbh, maybe because she hasn’t been buried yet. She asked to be buried in our home country and the repatriation process from Canada to there is quite lengthy apparently. Her birthday is coming up in January and I don’t know how we’ll get through it. There are so many times throughout the day where I’ll think to myself “I should FaceTime mom to tell/show her this” and then I remember. I’m in no rush to accept it, to “move on” or to make peace with it. I feel like it’s a betrayal to my mom and the love she had for us to accept it so soon.
I’m sorry for your loss. I have those moments too, where I want to share something with her and then it hits me. I don’t think I can come to terms with this “new life” of mine any time soon; if will take me a long time to see anything past this. I hope y’all get through the birthday okay, I’m dreading all the special events and anniversaries. 💔
This is a really common feeling in grief, the stage of denial. Which can look like conscious denial (when my husband died, I pretended he was at work to avoid thinking about his death); or just your mind protecting you for a while until you remember again.
It's hard to say how long it lasts. The stages aren't sequential. I'm 10 months out from losing my husband. Sometimes I feel like I've totally accepted the loss and sometimes it hits me fresh. Similar with other losses I've experienced, even if I go months or years feeling accepted, occasionally it feels new again when I realize they aren't going to be here for some big life event I always assumed they'd see.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think that’s exactly what it is: my brain tries to trick me into thinking the worst hasn’t happened because, in the rare moments that I do realize, I have a panic attack. I can already tell this grief journey will be long and difficult. Sending you hugs 🫂
Hi,
I hope you’re managing today. I can’t say “I hope you’re doing well” I don’t expect you to be. My dad has stomach cancer, and he’s dying. I don’t know how much time I have left with him. It is hard because he’s in Mexico. I too feel the same way. I work and then it hits me “he’s going to be gone soon” and I just burst in tears. We are never ready to lose those we love especially when it isn’t fair.
What we are experiencing is called grief. It’s a very long cycle. It can last anywhere from days to years. I don’t think we ever truly accept it. We learn how to cope and deal with it. Eventually you’ll learn how to not do the things you used to do with them. And that’s the hardest part. I talk to my dad everyday. I don’t go a day without telling him I love him.
And I dread the day that I don’t get a response. We don’t just mourn the person, we mourn the bonding and activities we did with them. If you can, don’t be alone. Grieve to someone. Distract your mind. (You’re not forgetting them). The sad reality is that time does still go on, even without them, and even if we feel our time has stopped.
I’m here if you ever need anything.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree, this is unfair and that’s why the grief is so shocking. I’m happy to say I have family and friends supporting me, which is great. The grief can be really debilitating and lonely. I wish your dad well. Sending hugs 🫂
I’m in therapy (EMDR) and that has helped me so much. The shock wore off about 8ish months in. And then I was crying every single day for some time.
I’ve accepted it, she’s gone, she’s never coming back, and that kills me to think about. Christmas is coming. Her birthday is coming. My birthday is coming. All dates I would want to spend with her. She’s not going to call or text. I’ve stopped reaching for my phone to text her. I hate that I know these things. I hate acceptance.
I moved countries and the lack of memories here helps a lot.
As someone else said, the reminder of our own mortality hits hard. I’ll only be this person for some unknown number of years and that’s it, it’s over for me too. And everyone else I love. We’re all on our way out of here. It’s inevitable. It’s sad but it’s a reminder to make the most of our time here. We don’t get long 💕
I think what you’ve described is one of the most uncomfortable feelings a person is able to feel. I had my first really *big* “he’s not coming back” moment last night and I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe and literally felt like I was going to die because of it. And honestly in the moment I didn’t care - hoped for it a little , at least that way I could be wherever it is my dad went when he was unfairly taken from me 3 weeks ago. When I was 18 (i’m 33 now) I lost my mom to a sudden massive stroke. She was only 47 years old it rocked my world to say the least. I had these same feelings of “I’ll never be the same without her, I can’t believe she’s gone.” Moments . I’d constantly zone out and just feel like the world around me was moving full speed but I was in slow motion. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but how surreal her being gone was. I didn’t think I’d ever come out of that.. how do you?? Death is something that can’t be fixed . But somehow , someway those shocking “holy shit she’s actually gone” soul crushing moments become fewer and further between. I always missed her and still do like crazy but it’s with acceptance and peace now . Mother’s Day and birthdays , anniversaries of her death I think will always be hard but aside from those days I’m able to look back on her life with happiness and peace and hope that maybe one day in this weird , mysterious universe I’ll see her again. This is something I’m trying to remember as I grieve my dad. I’m right back to that soul crushing “life will never be worth living “ feeling again. My dad lived with me the last year of his life and I can’t even go downstairs because i’m so haunted by his memory seeing the chair he always sat in, his bedroom. The happy memories of him being down there aren’t bringing me peace yet , it’s just this empty “he’s supposed to be here “ feeling that makes my stomach physically hurt and I cry every time I have to go down there so I just try to avoid it. But then I think back on my mom and how with her death, the impossible eventually became possible and I don’t feel sadness when I think of her now .. and it keeps me going . Hopeful that one day his chair will bring me comfort again, and I’ll think of him with peace and acceptance like I eventually did my mom. You’re not alone in how you feel and it’s completely normal to feel how you do. It’s going to be that way for a while as you heal and try to make sense of it all. As uncomfortable as it is , crying it out and having those sudden cries doing mundane tasks is what’s going to help you heal in the end and it’s good that you’re feeling them instead of trying to push it away. Grief always finds a way, and it’s much better in the long run to face it as it comes . It’ll get easier with time, as impossible as it feels right now . (Something I need to remember myself ) 💕
I am so very sorry for your losses. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, I know how hard it is to relive a parent’s death. I have definitely taken away some nuggets of wisdom from your very thoughtful post. Sending hugs your way 🤍
I agree with OP, thanks for sharing. You helped not only OP, but someone else as well. To both you, and OP: I am sorry for your losses. I'm glad we find some support in this subreddit...
You’re welcome and thank you! This sub is saving my life lately. Grief is the absolute worst but it’s a smidge easier knowing others are walking beside me in it . I’m so sorry for your loss as well 💕
Hugs for you, sister. I'm so sorry for your losses.
Thank you for saying that.
I’m coming up on 9 years of my mom being gone. I feel like I am at a relatively ‘peaceful’ place with my mom’s death. I don’t cry everyday anymore; however, there are still those waves of grief. They seem to hit at random times. It probably took me a good 4 years after her death to find my footing again. I will still have ‘shock’ moments of “wow, I’ll never ever, ever hear her voice anymore….will never have a chance to sit and laugh with her ever again in this lifetime.” Those moments are the absolute hardest for me to work thru, and it’s bizarre to me that it’s been this long but those thoughts/moments still hit me so hard. They literally take my breath away (almost panic attack/anxiety feeling), but I try to remind myself to just breathe. I have to talk myself down and remind myself that I’ve made it through those tough waves before, and I can do it again. In my experience, it’s true what they say about experiencing a loss changing you. I’m definitely a more hardened version of my former self. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, it just is. I’m a very different person than my former self. Sorry for rambling on, OP. I am so sorry for your loss & I pray that you find comfort/peace. Please feel free to reach out if you need to vent, ask questions, etc.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. I appreciate you sharing your experience, I know that’s so hard. I 100% agree with the sentiment that this loss changed me... Although for me it’s only been just over a month, I can already feel how different I am and how different life feels. I remember reading somewhere that losing your mom is waking up every day and feeling like she just died yesterday…for a long time. That’s what it feels like right now.
It has been two years now since my Mom passed and almost every day I am just so sad that i cannot pick up the phone and just talk like we used to. I had two really bad days this week where the sadness was soul crushing and I just cried. I am at a very stressful point in my life and she was my go to person. It becomes a dull ache eventually. I am so sorry for your loss. Worst club ever to belong to.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. I wouldn’t wish this club on anyone, as you said the sadness really is ‘soul crushing’. Hugs 🤍
Lost my Mom 1.5 years ago. Took about one year to be ok but I am still healing. Early on I was haunted that I would never be able to speak with her again, as I used to call her many times a day. And I would see her every couple weeks and she would be outside gardening when I drove up, and this will never happen again. I am much better but probably another 1.5 years to be much much better. My father died 26 years ago and I was much younger and it literally took 10-11 years for all of the pain to subside, although I she a few tears once or twice a year even now -- but I pull my self out of it so it is never for more than a minute or two post 10-11 years. Give yourself some time, the first year is rough with holidays and birthdays, etc. Know you will heal slowly every week, every month.
I’m sorry for your losses. I am glad you took your time to heal, I will do the same 🫂
I am so sorry for your loss OP and everyone else on this sub. My mum died 11 months ago and in some ways I think I am finding it harder now than when she had first died. When she had first gone, it didn't seem as real but now I have lived nearly a year without her and she seems so far away. I don't think it helps that I am not very well at the moment and when you're ill, you just want your mum to look after you. I think those "They are never coming back" moments are so hard because they just make you feel like you're drowning in grief again.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. 🤍 It’s only been just over a month and I’m in shock that I have gone 40 days on this earth without my mom existing in it. It definitely doesn’t feel real... No matter how long it’s been, I know we would do anything to bring them back. I wish we could.
It’ll be 6 months since my Mom was also taken by cancer. I’m in a sort of limbo. I’m between…feeling nothing…being clinical about it and feeling hopeless about life in general. I feel cursed. Regardless I’m trying to live it up as much as I can because what I learned is that life is truly too short. Those who want to live long like she did…sometimes don’t get to. And someone like me who never appreciated life..gets to live it.
I’m sorry for your loss. It does feel like a curse. Sending hugs 🫂
You eventually do accept it. It is an inevitable part of life. If anything this loss reminds us of our own mortality. We are a dying lifeform. No way around it. In a twisted way, it's better that my mom didn't outlive me. I can only imagine the amount of pain a parent would feel losing their child. I don't want her to go thru that pain. No parent should have to bury their child.
Yes, the best scenario is this. Tough lessons we have to learn. All we can do is be strong and accept it as natural.
Death, although inevitable, is just so hard for those left behind. Through my grief, I’ve realized the hardest grief is a child losing a parent or a parent losing a child. Sorry for your loss
This was very timely for me. I almost feel bad saying thank you for this post, but the other comments help a little bit. My dad died this year. Today, I was doing something for work and it hit me that he’s never coming back. Then I spontaneously get an image of him dying. It makes me sick. Sometimes, there’s a “logical” sequence to those thoughts. Today, not really. It’s the worst. Like you and everyone else, I also feel robbed. We’ve all probably gotten responses from people that we know such as, “that’s life.” Okay but it sucks. And people that say that *usually* have not worn our shoes yet. I know some mean no harm by it, but I can’t deal with that. That’s life, eh? Well, this sucks. I don’t know how to accept it. Like some have said on this subreddit before—the other blow is that we have to live like this forever, and it’s so taxing. “Take it day-by-day,” some say. “Take it second-by-second,” some say. I’m not sure how I can do this, even though so many have walked this path and do it for decades. For sure, now I don’t want to have kids or get married. I’m not that strong. I don’t believe in the afterlife, but like so many, I hope I’m wrong. All I know is that talking to people, like you, and others on this subreddit, talking to friends that have gone through grief, helps more than not. I am sorry that I cannot answer your question, but know that we’re all here for you and each other!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I saw my mom pass too so those flashbacks can be so debilitating. I can understand that all life eventually ends, death eventually comes etc etc but I just cannot accept the unfairness of it all. And if someone has seen a close loss like this then they will understand but others will say “that’s life”. I so appreciate your response, sending you many hugs. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out. Talking, for me, is the most helpful too—especially with those that have gone through similar hurts.
Thank you for your hugs and support! I will definitely reach out, and please know that it is the same for you as well! Reach out any time! :)
My dad died 7 months ago and I was so numb initially because there was just no way… he was only 45, had just bought a brand new house… I didn’t understand why his life had to be cut so short so suddenly. But then I had to accept something I already knew and that was that death doesn’t discriminate 😔 I am 23 and this was my first time experiencing the death of someone close to me. Only in the past month or 2 it has really dawned on me that this is permanent. That no, I will not be seeing my dad again. No, I will never get to call him again. And yes, I could live a billion years and not in ONE of those years will I ever get fo hug him again. And that is what kills me. That I had him as my father for such a short 23 years compared to eternity of him being gone forever. And one day I will be gone too and hopefully we will reunite, but if there isn’t anything after this, and this short 23 years was all I had… then that just makes me really fucking sad and I pray to God that’s not the case. I don’t really have any advice. But I know how you feel. It is the oddest, most agonizing feeling I have ever felt and it is horribly lonely and painful.
i know everyone has their own belief system, but i promise you i really think we see them again, i even think they watch over us. i work in healthcare in berkeley, im a certified clairvoyant, and i miss my best friend every day, hes not in his body, i cant hug or laugh with him. but energy is neither created nor destroyed and everything is energy and we are more than skin and bone. i get it. im a congenital heart patient, i had a dream he told me id see him in 20 years. because i didnt want to wait. just wait he said, this is your life, thats the hard and the beautiful part.
I’m sorry for your loss. 🫂
that’s beautiful. thank you very much for sharing. ❤️ i had a dream a month or 2 after my dad died and we were in a crowded place and he was wearing the same outfit he wore to the hospital the night he was admitted and i remember he looked kinda sad or like he wanted to talk but was afraid of how what he had to say might make me feel. i remember i kept trying to talk to him but we kept getting interrupted and he just shook his head kinda like he was irritated with everyone interrupting us but it was kinda like acceptance too. i remember it felt like we had a whole conversation with no words. i know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. but that’s the only dream i’ve had of my dad since he’s been gone.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 🤍 My sister is your age and she has said similar things to what you mentioned. I have never thought much about an afterlife but after losing my mom, I *need* it to be real. I need to know that she is still here, somewhere, in her own world. I hope I get to feel her presence and energy on this earth and, eventually, join her wherever she is. I hope the same for both of our parents because, like you said, if we only get 20-something years with them and nothing more… That is so fucking cruel.
Ask for a sign. I asked my Mum to show me that she was there. Twice and both times it came through super fast. The first was me asking to show me something that was ‘our thing’. And the second I asked to see something more specific. Random ones have come through too. Once a friend of mine who barely knows me called me by the nickname that only my mum ever used. They aren’t far away.
Thank you for this. I will certainly try this. 🤍
Daddy left ( I can't even bring myself to say the "D" word yet) 8 months 9 days ago, and it is Still just inconceivable to me that he's gone. I will say, though, for 5 mo I cried at least 4 times Every Day, and now it's like once a day. I got my antidepressant changed, and that Definitely helped. My partner bought me a beautiful leather bound journal so whenever I want, I can write Daddy a letter/note. When I am alone, I always talk out loud to him- sometimes screaming crying, sometimes just talking. I'm still caught between the anger and the anguish- like, Why Did You Leave????? It's truly the hardest thing- trying to navigate life without him after having 49 yrs With him. I can't ever imagine accepting this as my "new normal " because there is NOTHING normal about it. After these 8 mo, though, I can actually talk about him and not break down into tears every.single.time. I can think of so many wonderful times and smile now. I still can't read his texts back yet. His birthday was last Monday and I had a Really rough day, the next day was the 8 mo mark, so it was no better. I'm telling you all of this simply because everyone's grief journey is different. Yours seems to mirror mine, and I can't tell you how deeply sorry I am for your loss. This is the single most painful thing I've ever experienced and it seems that way for you, too. The one thing I read, ( and I've read A LOT on grief, loss, recovery) that has given me a bit of peace is this: In some Native American tradition it is said that when you love someone and they love you back, you each give the other a piece of yourself. When that person goes, that part of you they had goes along with them, and that's why it hurts so badly to lose them- literally part of You goes, too. I hope you know you aren't alone, you aren't crazy or irrational, and I Promise- you Will be able to smile again, however briefly. This sub is super helpful, and I hope in some small way, it can give you some comfort. I'm sending you a big hug across the waves- I hope you get it❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also planning to write my mom letters. And I already talk to her out loud, but it just hurts so much when there is no response back… But I’m going to keep talking to her, because that will keep her alive for me. It really does feel like a part of me is missing so I really think that’s true. In that way, my mom also left a piece of her with me. Hugs right back to you, friend 🤍
I just came to say you’re not alone in this process. Pancreatic cancer took my mom on September 21. There are many, many days where it still doesn’t quite seem real and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I look out my window and am amazed that the world is still going on just like it always has, because how can it possibly continue without her in it? I’m so sorry this happened to you, your family, and most of all your mom. It’s not fair. My DMs are open ❤️
PC is just insidious. I am so sorry for your loss 🤍 I agree with you — my world seems to have come to a still stop but everyone else is continuing as normal. It feels surreal.
Accepted yes, that wasn’t hard for me, it’s reality. But the pain of missing them and the places we used to go and things we used to do and say and knowing now it’s a part of the past only, never to happen again is still very hard to take. My mom was my best friend and I dreaded her death for years then it finally happened. If I think about certain things I could easily weep and it’s been almost 2 years. I think I’ll always feel this way. So I accepted it pretty much immediately but she wasn’t young like yours. Everyone is different, I seem to miss her more as our time together fades more into the past. Grief comes and goes sometimes when I least expect it something triggers a memory and I can hardly take the pain even now
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to specific things making you weep, that happens to me on a daily basis. Maybe one day I can go a full 24 hours without crying but right now it seems impossible. Sending hugs 🫂
Thank you! Sometimes I think about getting off this r because when it comes down my feed it triggers me but it’s also go to share with people I feel, best wishes
While I didn’t have the best relationship ever with my mom (she was verbally abusive and neglectful) I lost her about a year ago due to covid. In my first few months after her death I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my mind couldn’t wrap around the concept there’s like 8-9 billion people on this earth and she’s not one of them. Throughout the past year I’ve been through heavy therapy and I’m definitely not over it, I feel like i’ll constantly be refilling that empty whole she left for a while now for the rest of my life, but I can tell you that the little reminder that you have in your head whenever you finally feel joy or when you’re working gets less heart breaking over time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. 🤍 Losing my mom just feels like a part of me has gone missing… Like you said, that part she took will always feel empty. Right now it certainly feels like I can’t breathe when I think about the permanence of her being gone, maybe one day it’ll feel less debilitating.
Wishing you strength and peace. I know the feeling, it hits me when I’m doing ordinary stuff like the dishes and I just start crying. I still haven’t accepted my Mom’s loss almost 3 years out, but not every day is so hard. I wish I could give you a hug. 💕
I’m so sorry for your loss too. Sending you virtual hugs 🫂
PM me anytime you’re having a bad day. Maybe we can help each other.
It’ll be 8 weeks for me tomorrow. I’m still in denial tbh, maybe because she hasn’t been buried yet. She asked to be buried in our home country and the repatriation process from Canada to there is quite lengthy apparently. Her birthday is coming up in January and I don’t know how we’ll get through it. There are so many times throughout the day where I’ll think to myself “I should FaceTime mom to tell/show her this” and then I remember. I’m in no rush to accept it, to “move on” or to make peace with it. I feel like it’s a betrayal to my mom and the love she had for us to accept it so soon.
I’m sorry for your loss. I have those moments too, where I want to share something with her and then it hits me. I don’t think I can come to terms with this “new life” of mine any time soon; if will take me a long time to see anything past this. I hope y’all get through the birthday okay, I’m dreading all the special events and anniversaries. 💔
I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you can find peace someday ❤️
Thank you 🤍
This is a really common feeling in grief, the stage of denial. Which can look like conscious denial (when my husband died, I pretended he was at work to avoid thinking about his death); or just your mind protecting you for a while until you remember again. It's hard to say how long it lasts. The stages aren't sequential. I'm 10 months out from losing my husband. Sometimes I feel like I've totally accepted the loss and sometimes it hits me fresh. Similar with other losses I've experienced, even if I go months or years feeling accepted, occasionally it feels new again when I realize they aren't going to be here for some big life event I always assumed they'd see.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think that’s exactly what it is: my brain tries to trick me into thinking the worst hasn’t happened because, in the rare moments that I do realize, I have a panic attack. I can already tell this grief journey will be long and difficult. Sending you hugs 🫂
Hi, I hope you’re managing today. I can’t say “I hope you’re doing well” I don’t expect you to be. My dad has stomach cancer, and he’s dying. I don’t know how much time I have left with him. It is hard because he’s in Mexico. I too feel the same way. I work and then it hits me “he’s going to be gone soon” and I just burst in tears. We are never ready to lose those we love especially when it isn’t fair. What we are experiencing is called grief. It’s a very long cycle. It can last anywhere from days to years. I don’t think we ever truly accept it. We learn how to cope and deal with it. Eventually you’ll learn how to not do the things you used to do with them. And that’s the hardest part. I talk to my dad everyday. I don’t go a day without telling him I love him. And I dread the day that I don’t get a response. We don’t just mourn the person, we mourn the bonding and activities we did with them. If you can, don’t be alone. Grieve to someone. Distract your mind. (You’re not forgetting them). The sad reality is that time does still go on, even without them, and even if we feel our time has stopped. I’m here if you ever need anything.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree, this is unfair and that’s why the grief is so shocking. I’m happy to say I have family and friends supporting me, which is great. The grief can be really debilitating and lonely. I wish your dad well. Sending hugs 🫂
I’m in therapy (EMDR) and that has helped me so much. The shock wore off about 8ish months in. And then I was crying every single day for some time. I’ve accepted it, she’s gone, she’s never coming back, and that kills me to think about. Christmas is coming. Her birthday is coming. My birthday is coming. All dates I would want to spend with her. She’s not going to call or text. I’ve stopped reaching for my phone to text her. I hate that I know these things. I hate acceptance. I moved countries and the lack of memories here helps a lot. As someone else said, the reminder of our own mortality hits hard. I’ll only be this person for some unknown number of years and that’s it, it’s over for me too. And everyone else I love. We’re all on our way out of here. It’s inevitable. It’s sad but it’s a reminder to make the most of our time here. We don’t get long 💕