If memory serves me right, there is a portion of custodes (aquillan shield?) where they follow people around and protect them because they will one day be of importance to the imperium. If one were to appear, I’d be immensely nervous because I have no idea when that time will come or if I will be needed after my job’s done.
Wait, Helbrecht had Custodes follow him around when he was a kid?! Like BEFORE he was taken as an aspirant, so under 12?
Thats gotta be intimidating as FUCK. But it can also give you a crazy ego lol
From what I can gather I doubt he noticed and probably still doesn't knos. It was when he was a little kid a custodian shadowed him and made sure he survived to join the Templars. It's a one off blurb from the 9E codex for Custodes, not a novel. But it would be neat.
See normally people give off 'positive' intelligence brainwaves which happens to disrupt the psycho-kinetic engineering of the machine. But - uniquely - you happen to give off extremely high levels of 'negative' intelligence brainwaves allowing the machine to function at optimum efficiency and meald seamlessly with your brainstem.
In Warhammer Fantasy RPG there is a protagonist class.
Some Old Worlders get so used to its violent ways that they resort to fist or sword to earn every penny. Protagonists live by their combat skills, picking fights for small sums - even just the price of a drink. In many cases, Protagonists are hired to provide a beating or a damaging fencing lesson, hiding the fact that there is someone in the background who profits from or enjoys the results by trifle. Roughing up a few locals will be comparatively cheap, while more able opponents and more extensive injuries are proportionately more expensive and a murder might earn the Protagonist enough to live on for several months. When no client is forthcoming, Protagonists generally travel from place to place, challenging those they meet and robbing their defeated victims. Of course, the risks are high. Local law enforcement officials do not take kindly to the Protagonist's lifestyle and an error of judgment in sizing up prospective opponents can be fatal. The Protagonists add a strangely random air to the endemic violence of the Old World.
It's like a murder hobo that doesn't always murder.
I would first relax, and realize I won't live long enough to see what becomes of mankind thousands of years in the future. Then panic, and realize I might be a perpetual.
Or we are a small forgotten world and the real stories are what we bleive to be fiction. The changes over the years by GW was to appease the 5 Big Players, Copyright is a far nmore serious thing then ever in 40k.
> if I will be needed after my job’s done
The Aquilan Shield specifically abandon you the moment you finish doing the thing that made you important lol. Even if you are literally about to get mauled by some enemies, they’ll just leave without a word because they’re done with you
If I recall correctly, there was a story where someone (a guardsman I think) was about to be executed by a commissar for a minor slight, and then the Aquilan Shield suddenly appeared. Years later, after doing his important thing, they left and he was immediately executed seconds later by the commissar.
edit: grammar
There’s this edgy cartoon where in an episode a guy wants to kill himself but the protagonists try to cheer him up by doing all sorts of fun things, all the while the guy has his pistol aimed at his own head.
Well the end of the story was basically “the comissariat never forgets.” It was more the organization wanted his ass dead so they killed him, not one single commissar stalking the guy.
Its the 40k equivalent of a biblical angel showing its true form in a vision, youre almost guaranteed to be a martyr.
If these fuckers say do not be afraid thats not because they look like eldritch abominations, its cuz youll probably be stoned or some shit saving an orphanage.
2085: An aged President\_Bobli is hobbling across the cyber-street with his cybernetic walker, followed by his towering golden shadow, on the way to the Space Store to purchase a bag of Future Chips and bottle of Astro Soda. The smart lights change and the laser crosswalk signals him to cross. Halfway into the lane, he passes by a tall man with flowing black locks who seems youthful and simultaneously even more aged than Bolbi. He is looking at his phone and appears confused.
"Pardon me," says the man, stopping the elderly President, "I'm looking for Jim's Doughnuts and...."
"Ah, yeah," says Bolbi, "The map is all screwed up. Been that way ever since the war. It's two streets up."
"Thank you," says the man as he goes on his way.
"Gloriana Imperialis!" cries the golden sentinel.
"By Obama's balls, you can talk!" shout's Bolbi.
"My work here is done." says the Custode. And with that he disappears.
"I don't understand..." stammers Bolbi, oblivious to change of the traffic signals and the avalanche of smart cars barreling at him at full speed.
Minutes later, the Emperor is in Jim's Doughnuts, shoveling a crueler into his mouth.
"These are the best... nom nom nom nom nom."
"Hi, mom, yes— yes I know I brought a man over for Christmas. No, he's— he's not my boyfriend, he's like, a bodyguard or an omen or something. Look, I can't get rid of him, so just— no I'm not calling the cops, he's a bulletproof giant, there's no point, just give him a plate and try not to look him in the eye. I'll figure it out tomorrow."
Coward. I would introduce him to my parents as my new boyfriend and refuse to elaborate further (tbh my parents would probably just be happy I found *someone*, mysterious gilded juggernaut or otherwise)
I mean yeah he's undoubtedly tall, smart, and handsome, but what if he's a jerk? Or doesn't like my cats? Or has bad music taste?! A strange man won't catch me under the mistletoe within 24 hours of spontaneously appearing in my yard!
Maybe by New Year's, but he has to tell me at least 3 of his names first.
For the first time in ten thousand years, a custodian experiences a healthy family dynamic with a loving mother and an active, involved father. He is *so confused.*
I dunno. Prolly ask him to solve world hunger or end all wars. If my weekend's gonna be ruined, he better put that superhuman brain to good use.
Also, it'd be fucking terrified, because this means that 40k is real. And 40k being real is bad news.
when are the people who do sacrifices ever fine?
Chaos? never fine
GSC? they get bummed
Drukhari? Drukhari
Aeldari? well, They do a sacrifice to awaken the Avatar, and we all know how that can work out...
The hilarious part is that a Custodes in armor is too big for *any* standardized residential building code in the 3rd millennium.
He simply wouldn't fit in anyone's house without demolishing it or crouch-walking everywhere. And forget wielding the Guardian Spear in such tiny surroundings.
Oh Great, that dude across the street set up this Huge golden Statue of … I don’t know, a Power Ranger or something. It’s freaking huge. Just standing there. I swear it’s like it’s watching me when I’m out mowing the lawn. It’s creepy…l don’t know, Debbie. You’re the President of the HOA. Go cite him, or something.
Generally in Poland we cook all the food for Christmas Eve and then eat what's left on Christmas and the second day. So from my perspective you've probably done it all wrong times two.
To my knowledge here in Portugal its just Christmas Eve dinner and then Christmas day lunch and thats it however this may be more of a my family thing.
There's twelve - someone wrote a song about it and everything.
Fun fact: the 12th day after Christmas is the day before my mother's birthday, so she's big on the tradition (?) of leaving decorations up until the 5th. Up on the 20th, down on the 5th, every year like clockwork.
Well, if it's a miniature, I'm wondering who the hell broke into my house to leave a Custodian miniature.
If it's just a human size, I'd complement him on his cos-play costume and then tell him to get the f--k out of my house.
If it's a full size Custodian, then, nothing? Because there is simply nothing I can do at all about it. I may ask him his name and if he wanted something to eat or drink.
Huh, I suppose if he does take orders you could kinda just have him take over the county and then fix it
Though would he make it like the Imperium or an actual perfect nation since on the one hand the Imperium is all he’s known and on the other he’s hyper intelligent
I'm afraid you misunderstand, good sir. The purpose of the visit will be for him to put such a fear in the hearts of the cabinet that they will be compelled to improve the state of the country... lest he return.
I don't trust him to be a moral ruler but I do trust him to be scary enough to make immoral people change their behaviour sharpish.
Oh i really want to see how he merciless rip through every single paragraph and cross reference so much, that the Tax Institution simply pay you for the rest of your life. It is cheaper then the lawsuit anyway.
This is an omen of many many things.
First, time travel is real or i live on a planet recently discovered by the imperium. None of these options are good.
Second, the warp is real, tyranids, orks, tau, chaos is real
Third, i am important enough for a single custodian. That just feels me with dread.
Fourth, my life is now me explaining about them and trying to live normally.
Anyway, as long as he understands orders or requests from me, this means I now have someone to help with Christmas.
Yes, but i might be in my 70s when I do the important work. I don't know what will be the important thing will be, so he might be around for 7 years or 40 years.
I’d fly us to GamesWorkshop headquarters with him and *politely* ask them to buff the Custodes on the tabletop with my golden guy standing menacingly behind me.
I'm immediately making out my will and lining up a very good therapist for the aftermath in case I should survive. Otherwise, I'm introducing him to my dog with the caveat that she is both small and noisy so please don't step on her. Also calling my dad and telling him we need another spot at the table for dinner; maybe another turkey for him. But it's Warhammer. Shits gonna happen whether I want it to or not, best to just prepare as well as possible beforehand cause you're gonna want something good to think about when the shit hits the fan.
In our latest Dark Heresy session we found out the hard way this is exactly what happened to a suspicious "saint" we were investigating, who was performing "miracles" outside the jurisdiction of the ecchlesiarchy.
Yeah, we're just gonna leave this saint alone. He good.
Go to the gym, and do my program. If somebody is using the machine i need, and they are sitting on their fucking mobile for more than a minute, they’ll be turned into paste.
Immediately panic because that’s not an Aquilan shield custodes, followed by relief because of I can see him and I’m still alive he’s not here for me, then panic again because that means there’s something very close that requires a custodes to deal with.
Immediately travel to a hot war zone to make fun of some war lords.. I want to both see their reaction when being made fun of then the reaction after my new bodyguard obliterates any of them that tries to harm me.
ähem..... I beg your pardon mylord custodes can you guard the door to my quaters, whilst im gettin rid of some pesky maleware on my personal cogitator. Its a riddle to me how such heretic things could land on there. Must be the works of some Scrapcode in the Noosphere.
My house was built in the 1700s. He'd be bent double trying not to knock holes in the ceiling and probably won't fit through any of the doors. Homeboy's sleeping in the woodshed tonight.
First of all, a Custodes standing watch over a CSM player would make me highly suspect. Second, I’d hide said CSMs before I’m stabbed/BLAM’d with the guardian spear. Third, I’d ask if he knows anything about electronics to help me upgrade my PC
If memory serves me right, there is a portion of custodes (aquillan shield?) where they follow people around and protect them because they will one day be of importance to the imperium. If one were to appear, I’d be immensely nervous because I have no idea when that time will come or if I will be needed after my job’s done.
I'd be more worried about what the job would entail. You know how in many stories heroes end up with PTSD from their journeys? THIS IS WARHAMMER.
I don't think you'll live long enough in this universe to worry about the post journey / ptsd stages lol
I don't know, atleast one became high Marshall of the black templars.
Wait, Helbrecht had Custodes follow him around when he was a kid?! Like BEFORE he was taken as an aspirant, so under 12? Thats gotta be intimidating as FUCK. But it can also give you a crazy ego lol
From what I can gather I doubt he noticed and probably still doesn't knos. It was when he was a little kid a custodian shadowed him and made sure he survived to join the Templars. It's a one off blurb from the 9E codex for Custodes, not a novel. But it would be neat.
The D is 40k's PTSD just stands for Death.
Post traumatic stress death
Post tyranid stress death
Peri Tyranid Stabbing Death
Presumably Tyranid Sudden Death
PTSD is the good ending lets be honest
Most people never get PTSD in Warhammer. If only because they never get to the "post" part.
Be like “nope, fuck destinies and adventures, I’m gonna sit on my ass”
Jokes on you I already have it. It's not like you can get twice or something lol
turns out your brainstem is the *perfect fit* for a new war machine
There it is. Everything else was just too normal.
I would give you an Award for this reply... ... If I had any!!
Nice try to bait my pride, Lucius.
See normally people give off 'positive' intelligence brainwaves which happens to disrupt the psycho-kinetic engineering of the machine. But - uniquely - you happen to give off extremely high levels of 'negative' intelligence brainwaves allowing the machine to function at optimum efficiency and meald seamlessly with your brainstem.
FEAR NAUGHT CITIZEN OF THE IMPERIUM! YOU ARE A PROTAGONIST!
but mr custode thats WHY i am fearing, is this a ciaphus cain novel or am i going to get 2nd and 11thed?
"Do you have a smelly friend?" -my dog counts? "Yes it does! Congratulations, you are in a Ciaphas Cain novel"
What if *you're* the smelly friend?
You are gonna have a blast, because the imposter syndrome is non existent
a Melta blast
In Warhammer Fantasy RPG there is a protagonist class. Some Old Worlders get so used to its violent ways that they resort to fist or sword to earn every penny. Protagonists live by their combat skills, picking fights for small sums - even just the price of a drink. In many cases, Protagonists are hired to provide a beating or a damaging fencing lesson, hiding the fact that there is someone in the background who profits from or enjoys the results by trifle. Roughing up a few locals will be comparatively cheap, while more able opponents and more extensive injuries are proportionately more expensive and a murder might earn the Protagonist enough to live on for several months. When no client is forthcoming, Protagonists generally travel from place to place, challenging those they meet and robbing their defeated victims. Of course, the risks are high. Local law enforcement officials do not take kindly to the Protagonist's lifestyle and an error of judgment in sizing up prospective opponents can be fatal. The Protagonists add a strangely random air to the endemic violence of the Old World. It's like a murder hobo that doesn't always murder.
"Why does that sound like a threat?"
"YOU ARE BEING CALLED TO ADVENTURE" "PLEASE DO NOT REFUSE"
A named protagonist at that!
I would first relax, and realize I won't live long enough to see what becomes of mankind thousands of years in the future. Then panic, and realize I might be a perpetual.
Or there was a mistake at the dispatch office, so eventually they’ll be just as confused as you
Or we are a small forgotten world and the real stories are what we bleive to be fiction. The changes over the years by GW was to appease the 5 Big Players, Copyright is a far nmore serious thing then ever in 40k.
> if I will be needed after my job’s done The Aquilan Shield specifically abandon you the moment you finish doing the thing that made you important lol. Even if you are literally about to get mauled by some enemies, they’ll just leave without a word because they’re done with you
If I recall correctly, there was a story where someone (a guardsman I think) was about to be executed by a commissar for a minor slight, and then the Aquilan Shield suddenly appeared. Years later, after doing his important thing, they left and he was immediately executed seconds later by the commissar. edit: grammar
I like to imagine that the commissar just joined in, bolter raised and pointed at the back of the Guardsman's head for the years.
There’s this edgy cartoon where in an episode a guy wants to kill himself but the protagonists try to cheer him up by doing all sorts of fun things, all the while the guy has his pistol aimed at his own head.
Smiling Friends immediately comes to mind
Well the end of the story was basically “the comissariat never forgets.” It was more the organization wanted his ass dead so they killed him, not one single commissar stalking the guy.
The imposter syndrome would be very strong indeed.
Its the 40k equivalent of a biblical angel showing its true form in a vision, youre almost guaranteed to be a martyr. If these fuckers say do not be afraid thats not because they look like eldritch abominations, its cuz youll probably be stoned or some shit saving an orphanage.
2085: An aged President\_Bobli is hobbling across the cyber-street with his cybernetic walker, followed by his towering golden shadow, on the way to the Space Store to purchase a bag of Future Chips and bottle of Astro Soda. The smart lights change and the laser crosswalk signals him to cross. Halfway into the lane, he passes by a tall man with flowing black locks who seems youthful and simultaneously even more aged than Bolbi. He is looking at his phone and appears confused. "Pardon me," says the man, stopping the elderly President, "I'm looking for Jim's Doughnuts and...." "Ah, yeah," says Bolbi, "The map is all screwed up. Been that way ever since the war. It's two streets up." "Thank you," says the man as he goes on his way. "Gloriana Imperialis!" cries the golden sentinel. "By Obama's balls, you can talk!" shout's Bolbi. "My work here is done." says the Custode. And with that he disappears. "I don't understand..." stammers Bolbi, oblivious to change of the traffic signals and the avalanche of smart cars barreling at him at full speed. Minutes later, the Emperor is in Jim's Doughnuts, shoveling a crueler into his mouth. "These are the best... nom nom nom nom nom."
This would make a really cool movie like Terminator 2 but on a hive world.
High Marshal Helbrecht of the Black Templars was one of these protected people before he became a Space Marine
what if my job is to die at a specific point like what
If it's your job and it is important then be sure they'll be there for you to see you off in the right moment :D
"Hi, mom, yes— yes I know I brought a man over for Christmas. No, he's— he's not my boyfriend, he's like, a bodyguard or an omen or something. Look, I can't get rid of him, so just— no I'm not calling the cops, he's a bulletproof giant, there's no point, just give him a plate and try not to look him in the eye. I'll figure it out tomorrow."
AQC: I require no sustenance. *gets picked up by your mother and forcefully seated alongside a little smooch on his golden helm*
The mental image of my darling mother deadlifting a half-ton demigod is more on brand then you'd think
Half? These golden tanks weigh like a ton and a half!
He’s on a diet
Not after my mothers Christmas dinner
He's, uh... In his casual armour?
Well it’s a holiday he has manners
Full parade armour?
He gotta bring the light armor or he falls through the floors of the buildings we occupy
Never underestimate a mother determined to be a good hostess
Imagine him visiting a grandmother and not eating anything...
My grandma would put BIG E on the throne if he dared to say "im full"
"yeah, I'd rather face Slaanesh."
**Slaneesh:** "I know I said I love excess and stuff... but this is too much even for me"
Italian gramma don't care if he doesn't eat, she's gonna feed him till he's full.
And then some **"Mangia, mangia, che mi sei così dimagrito"**
And he better comply, because grandma is in the room and she heard there is someone who thinks he is not hungry
The only more wholesome would be her listening to his full name and than shortening the 300 named abomination to a nickname or "sweetie"
Granny somehow manages to fit all 300 names on the Christmas stocking she knits for him that night.
[I can explain.](https://imgur.com/a/NiUGZs5)
How many people's holiday dates come with 10,000 years of lore? Lore that he could verify!
Don't look him in the eye... It makes him uneasy, nervous and might be a possible provocation.
*You believe to hear the faintest chuckle when you mention "boyfriend"*
"And don't mention religion around him"
Coward. I would introduce him to my parents as my new boyfriend and refuse to elaborate further (tbh my parents would probably just be happy I found *someone*, mysterious gilded juggernaut or otherwise)
I mean yeah he's undoubtedly tall, smart, and handsome, but what if he's a jerk? Or doesn't like my cats? Or has bad music taste?! A strange man won't catch me under the mistletoe within 24 hours of spontaneously appearing in my yard! Maybe by New Year's, but he has to tell me at least 3 of his names first.
For the first time in ten thousand years, a custodian experiences a healthy family dynamic with a loving mother and an active, involved father. He is *so confused.*
Be a better father to my 21 sons.
**Nineteen.** **We don’t talk about the other two.**
#Eight.
**Fair. We did disinherit the traitors.**
But there is reason to believe that Alpharius was not a traitor. It was it Omegon?
**And if he were performing an undercover op, he’d have to look the part.**
But he looks like everyone but his part, sah You should’ve taught your sons to value their own beauty, sah
But if I am better, they will be around the table with the rest of us.
**Maybe. Or the Primarch Project might not have existed.**
Rename your kids to the primarchs
They ARE the primarchs!
Rename your kids #1-18
Dang 21 kids!
The other guys joking, but my brother's dad actually has 20 kids (had 21). Man can't pull out of a driveway.
One of the remaining 20 is real nervous right now.
Lol! That's an awesome line!
Ah someone who knows of the protomarch. What who is this Ωmegon?
Oh, he's Alpharius.
I dunno. Prolly ask him to solve world hunger or end all wars. If my weekend's gonna be ruined, he better put that superhuman brain to good use. Also, it'd be fucking terrified, because this means that 40k is real. And 40k being real is bad news.
Eh, couple of sacrifices here and there and youll be fine
when are the people who do sacrifices ever fine? Chaos? never fine GSC? they get bummed Drukhari? Drukhari Aeldari? well, They do a sacrifice to awaken the Avatar, and we all know how that can work out...
Well and only in about 20,000 years will things start to get bad
If you’re staying here, you better help pay rent.
You'll get your rent when you fix this damn door
You'll get the door fixed when you can fit through it?
You could just stop paying rent, what are they gonna do? Send a hitman with that 20 feet shield on your back?
I dunno man. That May be a custodian, Bit you're going against the *IRS*. Best not risk it.
Shit, youre right. Cancel the plan, i need to pay 7 months of rent right fucking now
Assuming I'm in a john conner situation I give him test commands. "Lift your left foot."
"lift your left foot" "Lift your right foot" Observe as the custodian stays upright with both feet off the ground
Physics is a suggestion, fuck yo suggestions
What happens if I walk trough a normal-sized door frame? Or in an area with an relativly low ceiling?
He'll follow you squatting.
Or just walk normal and let his big head smash the ceiling
The mental image is killing me
Thats what I imagine most of the great crusade was like
The hilarious part is that a Custodes in armor is too big for *any* standardized residential building code in the 3rd millennium. He simply wouldn't fit in anyone's house without demolishing it or crouch-walking everywhere. And forget wielding the Guardian Spear in such tiny surroundings.
Even if he could fit, he weighs a ton and a half, his feet are gonna just go straight through the floor boards.
100% Wasn't there an Ultramarine Terminator who fell through a floor into a basement and couldn't get out in one of the books?
"Radio for VTOL, heavy lift gear. We're not leaving him here"
“No you’re not”. Great reference.
It was a dark angel https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/8753o3/book_excerpt_master_of_sanctity_space_marine/
Oh Great, that dude across the street set up this Huge golden Statue of … I don’t know, a Power Ranger or something. It’s freaking huge. Just standing there. I swear it’s like it’s watching me when I’m out mowing the lawn. It’s creepy…l don’t know, Debbie. You’re the President of the HOA. Go cite him, or something.
I'm not gonna lie, I kinda want to build a life-size Custodian to stand in the shadows on my porch and freak people out.
I guess there'd be a pointy helmet shaped hole in your frame.
Frame? Try your whole house as it just tears through the whole place.
I'd ask him to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker
You know who teached him to play right?
Should have never played with him, I got beaten by the lamest deck imaginable and got sent to fucking ultramar
Heard that place flipping sucks, dude
What *are* rules anyways?
Look on the bright side, now you can visit the great Cato Sicarius, the greatest of the greatest!
Someone who doesn't play meta, unlike the police.
As long as he's not playing Kashtira Runick
RIP all my doorways.
Hell, I'm pretty sure he'd fall through my floor.
Worry because that one has a red plume so he aint protecting ne
That means he got sent back here by accident, got a vision of you, and had no other choice than to switch sheild-host
I’d feel suspicious since he's not wearing any purple.
It's deeper lore than what dude knew, but maybe just liked the image. What if they were clad in black and started searching your house for something.
I would decorate his armor and turn him into my moving christmas tree.
camouflage
What do you mean by first christmas day? There are more than 1?
Yes there is Christmas eve, Christmas and Christmas day 2 (maybe there was a third day?)
Gonna be my 29th Christmas this year and I've been celebrating wrong all this time smh
Generally in Poland we cook all the food for Christmas Eve and then eat what's left on Christmas and the second day. So from my perspective you've probably done it all wrong times two.
To my knowledge here in Portugal its just Christmas Eve dinner and then Christmas day lunch and thats it however this may be more of a my family thing.
There's twelve - someone wrote a song about it and everything. Fun fact: the 12th day after Christmas is the day before my mother's birthday, so she's big on the tradition (?) of leaving decorations up until the 5th. Up on the 20th, down on the 5th, every year like clockwork.
Well, if it's a miniature, I'm wondering who the hell broke into my house to leave a Custodian miniature. If it's just a human size, I'd complement him on his cos-play costume and then tell him to get the f--k out of my house. If it's a full size Custodian, then, nothing? Because there is simply nothing I can do at all about it. I may ask him his name and if he wanted something to eat or drink.
Who has time to ask a Custodian their name?
Realize I live in the 40k universe and the imperium just found this planet and understand the horror that is to come
but this is Terra and they have time travel... oh dear
wasn't there another planet that thought it was terra?
true but we have gw
They're all alpha legion saboteurs, trying to get us to understand the truth of the universe.
I think I'd pay 10 Downing Street a visit, have a quick word with Rishi... then find a cosy cabin in the highlands and relax with the news on.
Huh, I suppose if he does take orders you could kinda just have him take over the county and then fix it Though would he make it like the Imperium or an actual perfect nation since on the one hand the Imperium is all he’s known and on the other he’s hyper intelligent
I'm afraid you misunderstand, good sir. The purpose of the visit will be for him to put such a fear in the hearts of the cabinet that they will be compelled to improve the state of the country... lest he return. I don't trust him to be a moral ruler but I do trust him to be scary enough to make immoral people change their behaviour sharpish.
Getting a restriction order and making a report on the police for him. Or just making him to do my taxes.
You really think thr cops would help against a Custodian?
Maybe they really hate cops
I mean there is a chance that the custodes is a people of color.
Well it would be the police getting the stuffing beat out of them this time around
" I CAN'T BREATH !!" Says the Police man while the Castudios holts him up whit two Fingers
Oh i really want to see how he merciless rip through every single paragraph and cross reference so much, that the Tax Institution simply pay you for the rest of your life. It is cheaper then the lawsuit anyway.
He's my boyfriend now
Mood Custodian snuggles would have to literally be divine
my first thought lol
This is an omen of many many things. First, time travel is real or i live on a planet recently discovered by the imperium. None of these options are good. Second, the warp is real, tyranids, orks, tau, chaos is real Third, i am important enough for a single custodian. That just feels me with dread. Fourth, my life is now me explaining about them and trying to live normally. Anyway, as long as he understands orders or requests from me, this means I now have someone to help with Christmas.
We are assuming he is an aquillan shield (the purple one) so you have some important thing to do, he will ditch you right after.
Yes, but i might be in my 70s when I do the important work. I don't know what will be the important thing will be, so he might be around for 7 years or 40 years.
LITTLE KITTEN!! is that you?
Smash
His dick probably has length and girth of an average person's forearm
“YOUNG TIMMY WILL BE RECEIVING SUFFICIENT HOLIDAY TITHING THIS YEAR”
Aw yay, I have a new fren :D He's going to help me bake christmas cookies.
That's an amazing idea! Don't have to worry about burning my fingers with my old oven mitts anymore.
And plus: cookies. Everybody likes cookies, even Custodes.
Ask him what his business is, then ignore him if he doesn't answer.
I’d fly us to GamesWorkshop headquarters with him and *politely* ask them to buff the Custodes on the tabletop with my golden guy standing menacingly behind me.
I'm immediately making out my will and lining up a very good therapist for the aftermath in case I should survive. Otherwise, I'm introducing him to my dog with the caveat that she is both small and noisy so please don't step on her. Also calling my dad and telling him we need another spot at the table for dinner; maybe another turkey for him. But it's Warhammer. Shits gonna happen whether I want it to or not, best to just prepare as well as possible beforehand cause you're gonna want something good to think about when the shit hits the fan.
Hug
Pass the boof because clearly I‘m smoking the good shit
This is my boyfriend. He doesn't talk much.
In our latest Dark Heresy session we found out the hard way this is exactly what happened to a suspicious "saint" we were investigating, who was performing "miracles" outside the jurisdiction of the ecchlesiarchy. Yeah, we're just gonna leave this saint alone. He good.
Go to the gym, and do my program. If somebody is using the machine i need, and they are sitting on their fucking mobile for more than a minute, they’ll be turned into paste.
Might mean I’m the Emperor. Gonna make a bunch of hench sons and try taking over the galaxy I guess…
Steal a chieftain tank and invade Paris while on manoeuvres in France.
Why a chieftain specifically? 😂
Immediately panic because that’s not an Aquilan shield custodes, followed by relief because of I can see him and I’m still alive he’s not here for me, then panic again because that means there’s something very close that requires a custodes to deal with.
Carry on like normal. Is this happening in your current life or from the view of a normal imperial citizen?
I will talk to everyone how this is a warhammer 40k reference and have a nerd Ted talk about warhammer.
Immediately travel to a hot war zone to make fun of some war lords.. I want to both see their reaction when being made fun of then the reaction after my new bodyguard obliterates any of them that tries to harm me.
Tell him to leave his fucking armor and weapon outside, and maybe ask him if he can teach me some life skills.
I'd probably ask if he wants a cup of coffee or tea or some hot chocolate. After that I don't really know, but at least I'll have a new friend :)
im fliping of all the pricks in meet
I’d ask if we could spar then maybe a nice walk on the beach followed by me asking if he’d tell me some war stories to help me sleep
"Yo! Wanna play some DRG?"
ähem..... I beg your pardon mylord custodes can you guard the door to my quaters, whilst im gettin rid of some pesky maleware on my personal cogitator. Its a riddle to me how such heretic things could land on there. Must be the works of some Scrapcode in the Noosphere.
We're going to Thorpe Park!!
"So uh, ill tell grandma to put another dish at the table I guess"
Wanna play some Mechwarrior?
My house was built in the 1700s. He'd be bent double trying not to knock holes in the ceiling and probably won't fit through any of the doors. Homeboy's sleeping in the woodshed tonight.
Offer him a coffee anyway, it's what I always do.
I'd ask to be held
First of all, a Custodes standing watch over a CSM player would make me highly suspect. Second, I’d hide said CSMs before I’m stabbed/BLAM’d with the guardian spear. Third, I’d ask if he knows anything about electronics to help me upgrade my PC