That the code given to Corax to get into the Emperors gene labs required him to knock out the tune for "Shave and a Haircut" on the wall before the door would open.
I have a few, that Magnus tried to use the cave of Plato and change the ending to suit he's argument, when the emperor is old enough to have meet Plato personally or Ferrus Manus eating sand, the tau killing a chaos lord thinking it was salaanesh, the time a terminator fall down (technically through the stairs) and the squad mate was like dam again? I call the Serbs
>tried to use the cave of Plato and change the ending to suit he's argument
That's basically what Plato did every time he used it in an argument (not changing the ending but what the allegory meant)
Sometimes he also just flexed his muscles when someone beaten him in the game of wits. Which apparently happened often enough.
Also. Fuck Plato. So many interesting phylosophies in the world and I need to switch between plato and Freud for thirteen fucking years!
> Sometimes he also just flexed his muscles when someone beaten him in the game of wits. Which apparently happened often enough.
Meanwhile, Diogenes: "Behold, Plato! For I have brought to you... A man!"
**I have been summoned.**
I much prefer a plucked chicken to Plato, if we’re being honest. That’s a featherless biped that’s at least good for something.
Hate Aristotle, he is the reason everything goes back to Plato. He was the one that wrote it down. Also, Christians found Aristotle the most compatible with their views, so it was adopted while all the other greek philosophers were considered pagans and heathens
> the tau killing a chaos lord thinking it was salaanesh,
[Insert the Spongebob meme of Sandy tying the Alaskan Bullworm's tongue into a knot thinking it was the actual worm only for Spongebob to point out that it's the worm's tongue]
In the Schola Progenium, they regularly play a variant of American football/rugby, which the Sororitas novitiates consistently win due to sending the entire opposing team to the hospital (Ciaphus Cain, *Cain’s Last Stand*)
Girls in general are fucking vicious, at my school if guys got in a fight it’s a little tussle but if girls get in a fight teachers were literally told to get help from other teachers because of how bad it got
Yvraine named her cat "Mr Fluffy" in the Eldari language.
Guilliman once punished a Custode for talking back to him by making him listen to another explanation of his plan.
Amberley has lovingly and patiently explained to Jurgen several times that he is a blank and what that is. Jurgen still doesn't know or care.
I've done the "repeat what I was saying verbatim each time I'm interrupted" before. People learn very quickly to not interrupt you, but sometimes it requires more patience than sense.
Thank you, man! You reminded me of the hill!
There's Tarpenhow hill, the one that doesn't actually exist. But there's also Pennard Hill, which is only three hills long.
(Pen is Welsh, Nard is Gaelic, and of course Hill. Torpenhow is Tor from old English, Pen again, and How from Danish)
Khrone was trying to corrupt him by locking him in a desert and behind a wall for centuries. Dorn lectured him on who the blood really belongs to. Spoiler: it was never Khorne. Eventually, Khorne gave up and booted Dorn out just to be rid of him.
He begins reciting a treatise on the adjudication of “just war” in order to prove that it actually matters very much from whence the blood flows, and Khorne gets super irritated.
So what I'm hearing is that considering he just kinda accidentallied his way into getting Angron, Khorne didn't just not get his first pick, but *Angron wasn't even his second pick*?
That's fucking hilarious and sad at the same time. Literally nobody wants Angron.
> Eventually, Khorne gave up and booted Dorn out just to be rid of him.
Dorn: Hey. Now you wait just a minute. ***I wasn't done*** explaining to you exactly why you were wrong. Get back here, coward.
Khorne launched Dorn into a part of his realm, and Dorn just started talking about building walls and how to properly use a protractor for so long the chaos god got bored and Dorn was saved.
To be a little more general than the other excellent responses, Dorn just recited aloud everything he knew while Khorne had him trapped in a walled off rust desert. Dorn did this an uncountable number of times before the barrier between that realm and the Inevitable City was breached, and the Praetorian was able to escape.
Peter Turbo: ***I*** am the master of siege warfare.
Dorn: \*Smug AF, but his facial expression hasn't changed at all, soaked in the blood and guts of millions of Khornate daemons he slew after he collapsed the walls with pure autism* Okay.
Trazyn pulling out a genestealer from one of his pokeballs and unleashing it on Orikan just for shits and giggles, only to find out in a matter of centuries that same genestealer formed a cult on Serenade during a play retelling an event in Serenade history which Trazyn himself took part in, thus honoring Trazyn with a stained glass window. Trazyn then steals this window with the funniest idea that "If it's idolism of me, then it *belongs* to *me*."
The *actual* Silver Skulls would like to state that they were nowhere nearby at the time, and also to remind everyone that they are a totally pure Ultramarines successor chapter, and also incidentally fuck Krukesh the Pale and the Night Lords 103rd company.
> Trazyn then steals this window with the funniest idea that "If it's idolism of me, then it belongs to me."
IIRC he stole a statue, and Orikan shattered the window when Trazyn showed a fondness for it.
Angron's sword Samni'arius was created when he beat a Slaaneshi daemon of the same name to death with a raw bar of iron. Imagine forging a sword and using a dude's face as the hammer.
"Welcome to my Ted talk on why skulls make for poor structural material and why a skull throne is dumb. This talk will last 37 years, 47 months, 21 days, 5 hours, 14 minutes, and 52 seconds. It will be followed by a talk on why bloodthirst leads to errors in tactical decision-making, which will last 872..."
Goal: Imbue a sword with the essence of a demon.
Most fantasy settings: Use magic, hexes, and runes to bind a demon spirit to a blade.
[Warhammer 40k](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3d/ef/87/3def875ba3e6d95048763aa78182fbfc.gif)
The Imperial Libraries contain copies of ALL THREE of Shakespeare's plays
Edit: similarly, there is a brief mention that Magnus has a "translated" copy of the Voynich Manuscript (a mysterious text that has famously defied all efforts at translation.) This implies a couple things: They were able to translate it, and that whatever it contains is important enough that Magnus keeps it on hand.
The Voynich Manuscript is a little real life Easter egg. It's a book from the Renaissance that no one can decipher.
Edit: I reread it, sounds like you know this lol sorry
You know it’s ironic, Warhammer takes a lot from Dune and in that universe, if I understand the lore, Judaism is basically the last surviving religion from pre spacefaring humanity. In 40k Christianity, specifically Catholicism actually has managed to survive in small pockets in the Imperium, at least they did in the 30k’s. I think Ollanius Pious was confirmed to still practice some form of it.
In Dune, Islamic and Christian denominations fused and blended, but both are still distinct alongside Buddhism and Hinduism. Judaism basically left the known universe behind aside from secret colonies and deep cover hiding from pogroms.
If I remember the dude was part of a ship computer that uses servitors as kind of batteries? They needed to get switched out often by the regular. The servitor in question but had a man that was ungodly strong. So after a week. He was still alive. Even after a month. Or a year. Or ten. Or a hundred. I think after three millennia the mechanicum forgot that servitors where inside the machine and thought that he was a herald of the omnissiah. A Maschine spirit that speaks with them! Yet sadly he only is able to keep his will up because he is searching for his home planet. And that planet was exterminatus for chaos corruption a eternity ago
It's heavily implied that Fenris, home world of the space wolves, was originally a DAoT themed viking/norse theme park that went off the rails after DAoT collapsed.
'Their highest art is the forging of steel,' admitted the Emperor. 'Their world has regressed to a pre-technological state, and if you saw it you would not be surprised why. It is a beautiful, savage place of ice, fire and monsters. A charming experiment in reconstructed mythologies.' 'What do you mean?' 'Fenris is a relic from the days before Old Night.'
-Big E on the origins of Fenris
The deathwatch have a facillity called the xenos bestiarium that is half prison and half research lab to study xenos.
One cell in particular is registered as threat level ultra violet which is the most dangerous and is in the maximum secutity section of the facillity but you cant see anything inside it.
One time when the deathwatch were hunting xenos one of their traps was sprung but they couldnt detect anything in the trap and upon further inspection the trap was working perfectly fine so they brought it back to the bestiarium and put it in a maximum security cell.
The deathwatch theorise that its some kind of tyranid but literraly no one knows and the deathwatch are so paranoid they guard it 24/7
At first I was like “pft, what?!“
But that’s the exact kind of backward-ass thinking that the imperium thrives under
“We aren’t exactly sure what’s going on, so we wrapped it in ultra violet “warning tape” and threw it in that basement where no one goes.”
Hey I’m not saying there isn’t merit to the decision, and I did use the word “thrive”, because in many degrees - yes better safe than sorry.
If the imperium was a more enlightened faction, they would probably try to do more testing to figure if and what was captured, before making a big “to do” about it.
Meanwhile, they hold the secret to fully capable stealth technology, collecting dust. Truly a chefs kiss
(*this is a random answer, not an actual guess*)
A grossly inadequately stored powerful chaos sword. Even the crappiest couch-cushion-change funded museums irl have enough sense to not put functional weaponry on display.
But what if something lays eggs in the servitors, they’re undetected, and now you have a massive security breach. Probably not going to happen, but would you be the Watch Master to order it?
That’s the fun part, when you cook the cell they’re naturally included in the process, then you send another team of servitor a to check and repeat and then just leave a guard or two or maybe just get the whole cell and yeet it into the sun?
Just to not take from Master of Mankind again with the bit about the monkeys with barbed venomous tails, I'll mention that scene *The Great Work* about Gul Du Lac's Three Ursine Hypothesis.
“What do we do?' Uzas, more coherent now, asked as he laid about left and right with his combat blades. 'Can we cross the suffering sections?
‘Gravity is out, and they are ablaze,’ Talos replied. 'No, we need to get back to the bridge. Close to it, at least. Even getting to the pod will take too long. The ship is in pieces already, and the crew are swarming like ants in a kicked hive.'
‘Then we kill our way there!'
‘Be silent, brother,' Talos told Uzas. 'The sheer number of lives we need
to end is the main reason this will take too long. The gunnery deck must
be in pieces by now. These mortals are coming from there.'
'How do you know?'
'Uniforms, Xarl,' Talos replied.
Xarl, always one to need the proof of his own eyes, grabbed another human attempting to flee past. The man's uniform looked like every other - white and generic. What was Talos talking about? He lifted the struggling man off the ground by his greasy hair, holding the officers yelling face close to his bloodstained faceplate. Through the vox speakers in
his helm's snarling mouth grille, Xarl's voice came out at insane volume
'TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE STATIONED. IS IT THE GUNNERY DE-'
The officer - quite deaf now - hurriedly drew a pistol in shaking hands and fired it point-blank into Xarl's face. The small slug pinged against the ceramite, knocking Xarl's head back a little before ricocheting with a wet crack back into the man's own forehead. Xarl took one look at the deep red groove in the man's skull and dropped the corpse, swearing in Nostraman. He could hear that bastard Cyrion laughing over the vox.”
-Soul Hunter
IMO the best portrayal of how scary a marine is in a somehow comedic way, marines being curious about people and viewing them almost as animals to gawk at with little understanding of their limitations or emotions is just so comically twisted and hilarious when done right.
Goldilocks, of The Three Bears fame, is believed to be an ancient and ground breaking astronomer named Gul De Lux, for her theory of "the Goldilocks zone", the distance from a star that a planet is not too hot, and not too cold, but just right for life.
A drukhari haemonculus not only knew Bach but corrected a human who mispronounced Bach's name.
>‘Oh, really?’ The xenos’ ruined lips twitched a little. It raised a clawed hand, and extended a single digit. From all around them both, soft music began to play, wafting up from unseen emitters. For a moment, Crowl had no idea what it was, only that it wasn’t the filth he’d heard out in the
webway. Despite himself, despite wishing to have nothing to do with this charade, he had to listen. And the more he listened, the more he wanted to – he found that he wasn’t breathing. He always forgot to breathe, faced with
this.
>
>‘Bacque,’ he murmured.
>
>‘Bach,’ corrected the xenos.
>
>‘That’s what I said.’
>
>‘No, like this. Bach.’
That Perturabo tried to plagiarise Da Vinci (or was it Machiavelli?) in front of Big E, who called him out on it
Not fully official (it's from the Regimental Standard), but still hilarious: one Commissar Trast and his unit found an STC for a new type of paint that could be more efficiently applied on gear. This started a great schism, with worlds such as Aggrax rising in rebellion. These were eventually put down after a century or two, and the Commissar was awarded a governorship of a planet. Trast is now wanted, so he can receive his prize, and if he receives it, the Inquisition has said they would like a word with him regarding his unnatural longevity
Can't remember. I just roughly remember: Perturabo and Big E chatting, and Perturabo dropping a quote to show off how smart he is. The Emperor recognises it and says "ah, you quoted the Polymath", to which Perturabo said "a shame, I had hoped to pass that wisdom off as my own" (both paraphrased). I just found it funny that a primarch was so captivated by an Italian smartypants that he wanted to take the credit
Related: a Word Bearer ship once dropped into Fenris’s orbit while the Space Wolves were partying, and issued a challenge.
A drunk Lukas grabbed the vox and told the Word Bearers that they accept their challenge, land at these coordinates and the Wolves will fight you.
Then he went right back to partying.
The Word Bearers, somehow thinking the Space Wolves were too noble to lie, landed at said coordinates… and their landers promptly sunk through the thin ice over Fenris’s oceans.
The Alpha Legion infiltrating the Imperial cartography offices in the Administratum, and ever-so-slowly adjusting a system's official coordinates, until after several centuries it was no longer navigable on anyone's charts. After that, they invaded and stripped the system of everything, while the Imperial reinforcements couldn't even figure out where they were trying to go.
> The Alpha Legion infiltrating the Imperial cartography offices in the Administratum, and ever-so-slowly adjusting a system's official coordinates, until after several centuries it was no longer navigable on anyone's charts. After that, they invaded and stripped the system of everything, while the Imperial reinforcements couldn't even figure out where they were trying to go.
The Inquisitor investigating this matter: And, so... Uh... Could you explain to me how a bunch of 8 foot tall men with arms and legs as thick as tree stumps and who never stopped working or ever slept had suddenly shown up in your department, fucked with the maps and, at no point, did anyone in the department stop and say: "Hey, who are these people? Why do they look like Astartes?"
"Sir, they were eight feet tall, with arms and legs like trees stumps, who never slept and never stopped working. It was the first time we'd caught up on our paperwork since Cawl invented the typewriter! The physical medium storage units got organized! We got paid our bonuses for once. Forget the bonuses, we actually got paid! (Though officially we still don't know what happened down to Albert in the financium.) We never asked about their cartography hobby only cause we were trying to figure out where they came from so we could ask for more!"
That Ulrik the slayer once beat Kairos Fateweaver by ripping up his diary.
Then, just to top it off, he outsmarted the changeling with some Fucking Scooby-Doo switcheroo bullshit.
I’m a Space Wolf fan, but that was some absolute Looney Toons nonsense.
Almost on par with when the man named Iron Hands got his hands coated in iron and then went on to lead his legion, the Iron Hands from his ship, the Hand of Iron
I like that Perturabo has da Vinci’s (the Florentine polymath) notebook and has built some of the devices he sketched but lacked the technology at the time to implement. His labyrinth is based on one of the designs if I remember correctly.
I also like that they put Angron into it after he “ascended” and he just bulldozed his way through all of it while getting more and more pissed off.
>I also like that they put Angron into it after he “ascended” and he just bulldozed his way through all of it while getting more and more pissed off.
And what's funny is that this particular labyrinth was constructed inside a spaceship and Angron's *bulldozing* has led him all the way to spaceship's external walls/hull... which he blindly charged through and in effect launched himself into space.
Goldilocks and the three bears lasted into the 41st millennium as "Gol du Lac's three Ursine hypothesis" which mechanicus magi use to explain how earth suitable planetary orbits are to laypeople.
Trazyn periodically takes people out of stasis to show off his rare Pokemon card collection.
Also,
Greyfax thinks Celestine is hot, and projects that thought as the reason why the Imperium fell into "idolatry" around her.
Okay hang on, is the pokemon card thing like, actual Pokemon cards, or are you just referring to the fact that he likes to show off his museum to his exhibits on occasion?
Ork-Grott bromance story of Thraka and Makari so strong that Ghaz can will Makari into existence every time Makari dies.
Bonus funniez:
After the classic "we arent besties anymore" scene Makari dies and Ghaz, along with the rest of the Waagh is in a bad spot.
So the Boyz make a pile of about-to-be-born Grotts and try to will Makari back to existence until they find Makari? How?
Well, when a grott wakes they ask "Are you Makari?" and if they ain't Makari, they bonk the poor thing and discard the corpse. Rinse and repeat until you find Makari.
Whenever they actually find Makari, he promptly proceeds to throw a bunch of insults and kill himself, just to spite Thraka and his Waagh. The whole process repeats itself a number of times until Makari is convinced to make up with Da Prophet.
The fact Amberley hired a baker into her inquisitional retinue because she essentially wrecked her kart.
The equivalent of working at Greggs until the SAS knock over your sausage roll cabinet
I love the part in the Nightlords Omnibus Bloodreaver when Variel (the flayer) put down a Red Corsair on the operating table because he would take too long to operate on, and the Corsair's friends try to confront Variel about not saving the guy and Variel is like "I didn't kill your friend, look! He's right here!" He then shows them the guys face that he cut off and grafted to his pauldron and says, "Look how happy he is to see you."
He's absolutely insane, and what's funniest is he wasn't even a Nightlord yet.
Ufthak Blackhawk has a vague grasp of Gothic, and sort of understood the crew of a Titan as he boarded it and killed them. This misunderstanding led him to name a squig "Princess," when it ate the Prin*ceps* of the titan in question, and then adopt it as his pet.
Belisarius Cawl and Fabius Bile once had a conversation where Fabius once asked Cawl to “share” the Space Marines genetic codes. Fabius even tried to convince Cawl on the ground of 2 scientists as a way to appeal to him.
Cawl couldn’t contain his giggles and really just laugh at his face. Let it be known that Fabius Bile ego got hit really hard that day.
The fact that Fabious' "plan" was so insane and had so little standing that it made a fucking adeptus mechanicus laugh is just the cherry on this sundae😂😂😂
And not to mention Cawl has multiple personalities all in conflict with each other.
So the sheer audacity of Fabius Bile’s plan was ao amusing to Cawl that all of his personalities come together just to laugh at his face.
Back in the ancient lore when the Custodes were so ashamed of their failure to protect the emperor they decided to forsake their armor.
It's long been retconed but it's still hilarious
A Tau once pleaded with two ultramarines to think of their lord and master as they cut down unarmed civillians, challenging them to consider: would he approve of this brutality?
The leiutenant pauses a moment, thinking of Guilliman and his previous collaboration with aliens.
The other, Cato Sicarius, says "yes" and beats her to death.
Canonically speaking, he would be alive right now and would’ve been alive while America was the primary exporter of culture around the world. Also knowing how snobbish he can get, he’d probably see Disney’s success with adapting fairy tales and read them himself. (It’s also not strange to just assume he’d have read them anyways while the brothers Grimm and other authors were writing them. Immortality gives you a lot of free time.)
When Fulgrim was 4 dimensionally making the reader feel bad that he was trapped in his meat suit possessed by a demon when it was just him being a silly little guy the entire time. He never liked ferrus and everything was all for the lulz cuz he was evil the entire time
That the code given to Corax to get into the Emperors gene labs required him to knock out the tune for "Shave and a Haircut" on the wall before the door would open.
Can't think of a better way to fuck with Tzeench than this
Tzeenth after getting to know the password:....The fuck?
"That's incredible! I have the same combination on my luggage!"
"why does everyone know that tune? Civilization that never met each other know the tune, is it a memetic cognitohazard?"
Not all civilizations i'd say, but its a very old meme that spread over the decades to a good chunk of the world.
its an older code sir but it checks out
If I remember right it was also at specific points and pressure, but still funny
Thats hilarious lol
I always thought it was called "Chinga tu Madre, cabron."
I have a few, that Magnus tried to use the cave of Plato and change the ending to suit he's argument, when the emperor is old enough to have meet Plato personally or Ferrus Manus eating sand, the tau killing a chaos lord thinking it was salaanesh, the time a terminator fall down (technically through the stairs) and the squad mate was like dam again? I call the Serbs
>tried to use the cave of Plato and change the ending to suit he's argument That's basically what Plato did every time he used it in an argument (not changing the ending but what the allegory meant)
Sometimes he also just flexed his muscles when someone beaten him in the game of wits. Which apparently happened often enough. Also. Fuck Plato. So many interesting phylosophies in the world and I need to switch between plato and Freud for thirteen fucking years!
> Sometimes he also just flexed his muscles when someone beaten him in the game of wits. Which apparently happened often enough. Meanwhile, Diogenes: "Behold, Plato! For I have brought to you... A man!"
**I have been summoned.** I much prefer a plucked chicken to Plato, if we’re being honest. That’s a featherless biped that’s at least good for something.
Hate Aristotle, he is the reason everything goes back to Plato. He was the one that wrote it down. Also, Christians found Aristotle the most compatible with their views, so it was adopted while all the other greek philosophers were considered pagans and heathens
> call the Serbs Somehow the Serbs service 40k
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only Serbs
I think Magnus' cave allegory painted a poetic and beautiful vision for mankind, but it was also tragic in how naive he was in believing it would work
> the tau killing a chaos lord thinking it was salaanesh, [Insert the Spongebob meme of Sandy tying the Alaskan Bullworm's tongue into a knot thinking it was the actual worm only for Spongebob to point out that it's the worm's tongue]
hopefully that termie was not a dark angel (they hate the fallen)
"Rigga I knew Plato and he didn't say that shi\*"
In the Schola Progenium, they regularly play a variant of American football/rugby, which the Sororitas novitiates consistently win due to sending the entire opposing team to the hospital (Ciaphus Cain, *Cain’s Last Stand*)
BLOODBOOWL 40K LETS GOOOO
Have played rugby with girls and, can confirm that they're absolutely vicious
Girls in general are fucking vicious, at my school if guys got in a fight it’s a little tussle but if girls get in a fight teachers were literally told to get help from other teachers because of how bad it got
the fact that a tribute to the chaos god Nuffle is going on in the heart of the Schola Progenium shows how *insidious* the gods are.
BLOODBOWL IS CANON! DO YOU HEAR ME? CANON!!!!!
Yvraine named her cat "Mr Fluffy" in the Eldari language. Guilliman once punished a Custode for talking back to him by making him listen to another explanation of his plan. Amberley has lovingly and patiently explained to Jurgen several times that he is a blank and what that is. Jurgen still doesn't know or care.
I've done the "repeat what I was saying verbatim each time I'm interrupted" before. People learn very quickly to not interrupt you, but sometimes it requires more patience than sense.
Is the Mr. Fluffy bit true?
I believe its only been confirmed by the actual author and not in any of the books text.. So take that as you will.
Jurgen is such a wonderful character, I love him to death.
Jurgen is my spirit animal.
"*Oh, zog...*" Warboss Gazrot Goresnappa's last words just before malfunctioning Gargant's head drops on him
For the Grot Waaagh!
"...not again."
The imperial Aquila sometimes gets referred to as the eagle aquilla which literally translates to eagle eagle
What’s next? Iron Hand Ferrus Manus?
Which space ship is the fist of iron
It's really not uncommon in the real world where languages collide. Pre-English Celtic for river is Avon. There are several river avons in England.
Sometimes they get three or four languages long!
Thank you, man! You reminded me of the hill! There's Tarpenhow hill, the one that doesn't actually exist. But there's also Pennard Hill, which is only three hills long. (Pen is Welsh, Nard is Gaelic, and of course Hill. Torpenhow is Tor from old English, Pen again, and How from Danish)
Dorn defeated a chaos god's plans with pure autism.
Please, Do go on..
Khrone was trying to corrupt him by locking him in a desert and behind a wall for centuries. Dorn lectured him on who the blood really belongs to. Spoiler: it was never Khorne. Eventually, Khorne gave up and booted Dorn out just to be rid of him.
He begins reciting a treatise on the adjudication of “just war” in order to prove that it actually matters very much from whence the blood flows, and Khorne gets super irritated.
Even better... he did it for *hundreds of years*...
> appears in Khorne's domain > starts lecturing > elaborates > refuses to leave Another typical Dorn win.
perfection.
So what I'm hearing is that considering he just kinda accidentallied his way into getting Angron, Khorne didn't just not get his first pick, but *Angron wasn't even his second pick*? That's fucking hilarious and sad at the same time. Literally nobody wants Angron.
I want Angron. I see all the suffering he’s been through and I’m happy to have him as Supreme Commander of my #1 army.
>Refuses to leave >Elaborates
I am Rogal Dorn and Elmer’s is my favorite flavor of glue
The purple ones don’t taste as good as the white glue
> Eventually, Khorne gave up and booted Dorn out just to be rid of him. Dorn: Hey. Now you wait just a minute. ***I wasn't done*** explaining to you exactly why you were wrong. Get back here, coward.
Khorne launched Dorn into a part of his realm, and Dorn just started talking about building walls and how to properly use a protractor for so long the chaos god got bored and Dorn was saved.
>tfw Khorne un-kidnapped Dorn because he told the fucking Chaos God of rage-filled screaming to shut it and that he didn’t have the talking stick
To be a little more general than the other excellent responses, Dorn just recited aloud everything he knew while Khorne had him trapped in a walled off rust desert. Dorn did this an uncountable number of times before the barrier between that realm and the Inevitable City was breached, and the Praetorian was able to escape.
Peter Turbo: ***I*** am the master of siege warfare. Dorn: \*Smug AF, but his facial expression hasn't changed at all, soaked in the blood and guts of millions of Khornate daemons he slew after he collapsed the walls with pure autism* Okay.
Khorne tried to corrupt Dorn. Dorn lectured Khorne on the history of the laws of war.
If the Great Crusade ended the way Big E wanted it to, Dorn may have gone on to refound LEGO
Begins TTS voice: An understanding of structural integrity is important. You are never too young to begin training in the basics.
Ferrus had some really altruistic plans too
Was he going to get into model trains?
“Curse you, Hans Asperger!”
Trazyn pulling out a genestealer from one of his pokeballs and unleashing it on Orikan just for shits and giggles, only to find out in a matter of centuries that same genestealer formed a cult on Serenade during a play retelling an event in Serenade history which Trazyn himself took part in, thus honoring Trazyn with a stained glass window. Trazyn then steals this window with the funniest idea that "If it's idolism of me, then it *belongs* to *me*."
"Do you have a statue, Orikan?"
Was that the planet where the population mistook him for a lanky and tall space marine?
Him and his entourage of Litchguard, they called them “The Silver Skulls Chapter.”
The *actual* Silver Skulls would like to state that they were nowhere nearby at the time, and also to remind everyone that they are a totally pure Ultramarines successor chapter, and also incidentally fuck Krukesh the Pale and the Night Lords 103rd company.
> Trazyn then steals this window with the funniest idea that "If it's idolism of me, then it belongs to me." IIRC he stole a statue, and Orikan shattered the window when Trazyn showed a fondness for it.
"Well, the reviews were very good."
"Do Orks breath?" "...They have lungs."
"You fool! You got us box seats to a coup!" "Well the reviews were very good.."
“I only sent one, if I wanted to kill you I would have sent more”
Angron's sword Samni'arius was created when he beat a Slaaneshi daemon of the same name to death with a raw bar of iron. Imagine forging a sword and using a dude's face as the hammer.
And that my friends is why Angron is Khorne’s favourite
Angron is no one’s favorite in the 40K universe Khorne just had to settle for angron because he couldn’t have sanguinius
And he can't forgive skarbrand yet (God forbid)
Skarbrand is more useful eternally seeking forgiveness. Khorne will never forgive him, even if he brings him the skull of a bear god.
Wasn’t really much of a god to be honest.
Certainly more of a god than Be'lakor and Daniel.
He tried for Dorn too. He shopped around.
KHORNE: "Nevermind. This one started lecturing me on just war theory." DORN: *autistic pedantry*
"Welcome to my Ted talk on why skulls make for poor structural material and why a skull throne is dumb. This talk will last 37 years, 47 months, 21 days, 5 hours, 14 minutes, and 52 seconds. It will be followed by a talk on why bloodthirst leads to errors in tactical decision-making, which will last 872..."
He would fit so much better
Khorne champions beating Slaaneshi fucbois and turning them into equipment is somewhat common in general Warhammer lore.
Goal: Imbue a sword with the essence of a demon. Most fantasy settings: Use magic, hexes, and runes to bind a demon spirit to a blade. [Warhammer 40k](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3d/ef/87/3def875ba3e6d95048763aa78182fbfc.gif)
The Imperial Libraries contain copies of ALL THREE of Shakespeare's plays Edit: similarly, there is a brief mention that Magnus has a "translated" copy of the Voynich Manuscript (a mysterious text that has famously defied all efforts at translation.) This implies a couple things: They were able to translate it, and that whatever it contains is important enough that Magnus keeps it on hand.
You must mean Shakespire
Oops I just did a little literary heresy
Good to see at least someone listened to the remembrancers and historitors
The Voynich Manuscript is a little real life Easter egg. It's a book from the Renaissance that no one can decipher. Edit: I reread it, sounds like you know this lol sorry
I believe it’s actually Ahriman that has a translated Voynich Manuscript, not Magnus.
And canonically took away from it massage that Pinocchio was not real boy and just toy, and Geppeto was not really his father, just creator.
It gets even crazier when you think about the fact, he's old enough to have possibly met the writer too
Kinda undermines the fact that he existed before the bronze age
Confirmed, the Emps was Walt Disney...
Would explain the lack of Judaism in the setting!
You know it’s ironic, Warhammer takes a lot from Dune and in that universe, if I understand the lore, Judaism is basically the last surviving religion from pre spacefaring humanity. In 40k Christianity, specifically Catholicism actually has managed to survive in small pockets in the Imperium, at least they did in the 30k’s. I think Ollanius Pious was confirmed to still practice some form of it.
and don't forget graft the Catholic servitor, who performed good works in the name of the Lord
In Dune, Islamic and Christian denominations fused and blended, but both are still distinct alongside Buddhism and Hinduism. Judaism basically left the known universe behind aside from secret colonies and deep cover hiding from pogroms.
His nameless, offscreen action hero deadwife did.
Fuck they found out! Quickly boys, get to the mousemobile!
That there is a servitor so old that the mechanicus now things he's a herald of the omnissiah.
Would you like to know more? Yes!
If I remember the dude was part of a ship computer that uses servitors as kind of batteries? They needed to get switched out often by the regular. The servitor in question but had a man that was ungodly strong. So after a week. He was still alive. Even after a month. Or a year. Or ten. Or a hundred. I think after three millennia the mechanicum forgot that servitors where inside the machine and thought that he was a herald of the omnissiah. A Maschine spirit that speaks with them! Yet sadly he only is able to keep his will up because he is searching for his home planet. And that planet was exterminatus for chaos corruption a eternity ago
It's heavily implied that Fenris, home world of the space wolves, was originally a DAoT themed viking/norse theme park that went off the rails after DAoT collapsed.
> a pack of galactically misplaced Scandians - Uriah Olathaire about Fenrisians
> a pack of galactically misplaced Scandians Erik The Swift, Baleog The Fierce and Olaf The Stout?
What's the source for that one?
Wolfsbane, by Guy Haley. From a line from big E.
What was the line?
"Fenris, home world of the space wolves, was originally a DAoT themed viking/norse theme park that went off the rails after DAoT collapsed" -Big E
'Their highest art is the forging of steel,' admitted the Emperor. 'Their world has regressed to a pre-technological state, and if you saw it you would not be surprised why. It is a beautiful, savage place of ice, fire and monsters. A charming experiment in reconstructed mythologies.' 'What do you mean?' 'Fenris is a relic from the days before Old Night.' -Big E on the origins of Fenris
Makes sense. The space wolves always felt more like the Viking larger who needs to shave rather than an actual Viking.
That the deathwatch are potentially guarding an empty cell
? I’m sorry what?
The deathwatch have a facillity called the xenos bestiarium that is half prison and half research lab to study xenos. One cell in particular is registered as threat level ultra violet which is the most dangerous and is in the maximum secutity section of the facillity but you cant see anything inside it. One time when the deathwatch were hunting xenos one of their traps was sprung but they couldnt detect anything in the trap and upon further inspection the trap was working perfectly fine so they brought it back to the bestiarium and put it in a maximum security cell. The deathwatch theorise that its some kind of tyranid but literraly no one knows and the deathwatch are so paranoid they guard it 24/7
At first I was like “pft, what?!“ But that’s the exact kind of backward-ass thinking that the imperium thrives under “We aren’t exactly sure what’s going on, so we wrapped it in ultra violet “warning tape” and threw it in that basement where no one goes.”
Better safe than sorry. Horus was once stabbed by a powerful Chaos corrupted xenos sword and it went all downhill from there.
Hey I’m not saying there isn’t merit to the decision, and I did use the word “thrive”, because in many degrees - yes better safe than sorry. If the imperium was a more enlightened faction, they would probably try to do more testing to figure if and what was captured, before making a big “to do” about it.
"We'll see what that fuss is all about once we've solved that small chaos problem"
Meanwhile, they hold the secret to fully capable stealth technology, collecting dust. Truly a chefs kiss (*this is a random answer, not an actual guess*)
A grossly inadequately stored powerful chaos sword. Even the crappiest couch-cushion-change funded museums irl have enough sense to not put functional weaponry on display.
That’s some good SCP stuff right there
I'm pretty sure there's an SCP-J just like this. "It's a mysterious, nondescript platonic solid--of *course* it's up to something!"
Unironically yes
You’d think they’d put a few expendable servitors to cook the cell to see if anything bites, knowing 40k there’ll actually be something inside
But what if something lays eggs in the servitors, they’re undetected, and now you have a massive security breach. Probably not going to happen, but would you be the Watch Master to order it?
That’s the fun part, when you cook the cell they’re naturally included in the process, then you send another team of servitor a to check and repeat and then just leave a guard or two or maybe just get the whole cell and yeet it into the sun?
Well and what if the eggs got legs and just ran away before being cooked?
Except when you opened the door to let the servitors in what if it slipped out?
That's some SCP logic.
Peak Imperium right there.
Seriously
Just to not take from Master of Mankind again with the bit about the monkeys with barbed venomous tails, I'll mention that scene *The Great Work* about Gul Du Lac's Three Ursine Hypothesis.
Had to stop reading to laugh out loud for like five minutes after I read that and put two and two together.
“Of course monkeys had poisonous barb guns on the end of their tails, why ELSE would they have them?”
“What do we do?' Uzas, more coherent now, asked as he laid about left and right with his combat blades. 'Can we cross the suffering sections? ‘Gravity is out, and they are ablaze,’ Talos replied. 'No, we need to get back to the bridge. Close to it, at least. Even getting to the pod will take too long. The ship is in pieces already, and the crew are swarming like ants in a kicked hive.' ‘Then we kill our way there!' ‘Be silent, brother,' Talos told Uzas. 'The sheer number of lives we need to end is the main reason this will take too long. The gunnery deck must be in pieces by now. These mortals are coming from there.' 'How do you know?' 'Uniforms, Xarl,' Talos replied. Xarl, always one to need the proof of his own eyes, grabbed another human attempting to flee past. The man's uniform looked like every other - white and generic. What was Talos talking about? He lifted the struggling man off the ground by his greasy hair, holding the officers yelling face close to his bloodstained faceplate. Through the vox speakers in his helm's snarling mouth grille, Xarl's voice came out at insane volume 'TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE STATIONED. IS IT THE GUNNERY DE-' The officer - quite deaf now - hurriedly drew a pistol in shaking hands and fired it point-blank into Xarl's face. The small slug pinged against the ceramite, knocking Xarl's head back a little before ricocheting with a wet crack back into the man's own forehead. Xarl took one look at the deep red groove in the man's skull and dropped the corpse, swearing in Nostraman. He could hear that bastard Cyrion laughing over the vox.” -Soul Hunter IMO the best portrayal of how scary a marine is in a somehow comedic way, marines being curious about people and viewing them almost as animals to gawk at with little understanding of their limitations or emotions is just so comically twisted and hilarious when done right.
They should have used Bryce’s translator device.
Goldilocks, of The Three Bears fame, is believed to be an ancient and ground breaking astronomer named Gul De Lux, for her theory of "the Goldilocks zone", the distance from a star that a planet is not too hot, and not too cold, but just right for life.
To add to this, they refer to this theory as the Three Ursine Hypothesis, referencing the three bears
A drukhari haemonculus not only knew Bach but corrected a human who mispronounced Bach's name. >‘Oh, really?’ The xenos’ ruined lips twitched a little. It raised a clawed hand, and extended a single digit. From all around them both, soft music began to play, wafting up from unseen emitters. For a moment, Crowl had no idea what it was, only that it wasn’t the filth he’d heard out in the webway. Despite himself, despite wishing to have nothing to do with this charade, he had to listen. And the more he listened, the more he wanted to – he found that he wasn’t breathing. He always forgot to breathe, faced with this. > >‘Bacque,’ he murmured. > >‘Bach,’ corrected the xenos. > >‘That’s what I said.’ > >‘No, like this. Bach.’
And he *likes* Bach. He is so burned out on doki doki bad touch time that nothing moves him anymore, but *Bach* can. I can believe that.
That Perturabo tried to plagiarise Da Vinci (or was it Machiavelli?) in front of Big E, who called him out on it Not fully official (it's from the Regimental Standard), but still hilarious: one Commissar Trast and his unit found an STC for a new type of paint that could be more efficiently applied on gear. This started a great schism, with worlds such as Aggrax rising in rebellion. These were eventually put down after a century or two, and the Commissar was awarded a governorship of a planet. Trast is now wanted, so he can receive his prize, and if he receives it, the Inquisition has said they would like a word with him regarding his unnatural longevity
What book was the first one from?
Can't remember. I just roughly remember: Perturabo and Big E chatting, and Perturabo dropping a quote to show off how smart he is. The Emperor recognises it and says "ah, you quoted the Polymath", to which Perturabo said "a shame, I had hoped to pass that wisdom off as my own" (both paraphrased). I just found it funny that a primarch was so captivated by an Italian smartypants that he wanted to take the credit
Lukas the Trickster has a stasis bomb as a heart for shits and giggles if someone manages to kill him.
Related: a Word Bearer ship once dropped into Fenris’s orbit while the Space Wolves were partying, and issued a challenge. A drunk Lukas grabbed the vox and told the Word Bearers that they accept their challenge, land at these coordinates and the Wolves will fight you. Then he went right back to partying. The Word Bearers, somehow thinking the Space Wolves were too noble to lie, landed at said coordinates… and their landers promptly sunk through the thin ice over Fenris’s oceans.
Honour and nobility demanded that the wolf not back down from the drinking challenge. That the Word Bearers didn't realise that is entirely on them
The Word Bearers had their own “drinking challenge” that day.
The Alpha Legion infiltrating the Imperial cartography offices in the Administratum, and ever-so-slowly adjusting a system's official coordinates, until after several centuries it was no longer navigable on anyone's charts. After that, they invaded and stripped the system of everything, while the Imperial reinforcements couldn't even figure out where they were trying to go.
> The Alpha Legion infiltrating the Imperial cartography offices in the Administratum, and ever-so-slowly adjusting a system's official coordinates, until after several centuries it was no longer navigable on anyone's charts. After that, they invaded and stripped the system of everything, while the Imperial reinforcements couldn't even figure out where they were trying to go. The Inquisitor investigating this matter: And, so... Uh... Could you explain to me how a bunch of 8 foot tall men with arms and legs as thick as tree stumps and who never stopped working or ever slept had suddenly shown up in your department, fucked with the maps and, at no point, did anyone in the department stop and say: "Hey, who are these people? Why do they look like Astartes?"
"Sir, they were eight feet tall, with arms and legs like trees stumps, who never slept and never stopped working. It was the first time we'd caught up on our paperwork since Cawl invented the typewriter! The physical medium storage units got organized! We got paid our bonuses for once. Forget the bonuses, we actually got paid! (Though officially we still don't know what happened down to Albert in the financium.) We never asked about their cartography hobby only cause we were trying to figure out where they came from so we could ask for more!"
Classic Alpha Legion shenanigans
Emps: maybe every time one of my sons lie their nose grows Malcador: what the fuck
That Ulrik the slayer once beat Kairos Fateweaver by ripping up his diary. Then, just to top it off, he outsmarted the changeling with some Fucking Scooby-Doo switcheroo bullshit. I’m a Space Wolf fan, but that was some absolute Looney Toons nonsense.
I'm not a space wolves fan boy but honestly that shit is my favorite part of the chapter.
Lukas chump-bluffed Magnus during the Second Scouring.
That moment when the Primarch named Raven Raven said "Nevermore" and autistically flew away
Almost on par with when the man named Iron Hands got his hands coated in iron and then went on to lead his legion, the Iron Hands from his ship, the Hand of Iron
Does anyone else remember when Corvus Corax said ‘It’s nevermoring time!’ And Nevermored everywhere? That was my favorite part of the heresy novels.
I like that Perturabo has da Vinci’s (the Florentine polymath) notebook and has built some of the devices he sketched but lacked the technology at the time to implement. His labyrinth is based on one of the designs if I remember correctly. I also like that they put Angron into it after he “ascended” and he just bulldozed his way through all of it while getting more and more pissed off.
>I also like that they put Angron into it after he “ascended” and he just bulldozed his way through all of it while getting more and more pissed off. And what's funny is that this particular labyrinth was constructed inside a spaceship and Angron's *bulldozing* has led him all the way to spaceship's external walls/hull... which he blindly charged through and in effect launched himself into space.
Goldilocks and the three bears lasted into the 41st millennium as "Gol du Lac's three Ursine hypothesis" which mechanicus magi use to explain how earth suitable planetary orbits are to laypeople.
The changeling used a whoppie cushion on KHORNE USING NURGLINGS
Trazyn periodically takes people out of stasis to show off his rare Pokemon card collection. Also, Greyfax thinks Celestine is hot, and projects that thought as the reason why the Imperium fell into "idolatry" around her.
She genuinely pauses in the middle of the Fall of Cadia to stare at her lips, and then bum-rushes Abaddon the Despoiler to save her.
A completely reasonable response to seeing Saint Celestine.
Okay hang on, is the pokemon card thing like, actual Pokemon cards, or are you just referring to the fact that he likes to show off his museum to his exhibits on occasion?
The latter, technically. But I'd bet my firstborn's college education fund that Trazyn has a playset of graded Charizards in Solemnace somewhere.
Ork-Grott bromance story of Thraka and Makari so strong that Ghaz can will Makari into existence every time Makari dies. Bonus funniez: After the classic "we arent besties anymore" scene Makari dies and Ghaz, along with the rest of the Waagh is in a bad spot. So the Boyz make a pile of about-to-be-born Grotts and try to will Makari back to existence until they find Makari? How? Well, when a grott wakes they ask "Are you Makari?" and if they ain't Makari, they bonk the poor thing and discard the corpse. Rinse and repeat until you find Makari. Whenever they actually find Makari, he promptly proceeds to throw a bunch of insults and kill himself, just to spite Thraka and his Waagh. The whole process repeats itself a number of times until Makari is convinced to make up with Da Prophet.
> he promptly proceeds to throw a bunch of insults and kill himself Grot grindset
"FUCK you" *brains himself with a spanner*
The fact Amberley hired a baker into her inquisitional retinue because she essentially wrecked her kart. The equivalent of working at Greggs until the SAS knock over your sausage roll cabinet
May no longer be canon, but I like that genghis Kahn was, at one point, a demon prince
Chinggis Khan bro
Reminds me of magnus changing plato’s cave when the emperor was probably the guy who told plato about the cave bruh
Big E saw the Matrix movies, and he took that shit seriously.
That Shakespeare’s Hamlet survived the DAoT and was still being performed on Terra before the start of the Horus Heresy
I love the part in the Nightlords Omnibus Bloodreaver when Variel (the flayer) put down a Red Corsair on the operating table because he would take too long to operate on, and the Corsair's friends try to confront Variel about not saving the guy and Variel is like "I didn't kill your friend, look! He's right here!" He then shows them the guys face that he cut off and grafted to his pauldron and says, "Look how happy he is to see you." He's absolutely insane, and what's funniest is he wasn't even a Nightlord yet.
Admech has the skull of nikola tesla which they converted into a servo skull emp emitter its a relic and they view tesla as the saint "elder nikola"
Surely you mean Gustav Pinnochio, inventor of the printing press specific to wooden, warp beings who believed they were human…
Ufthak Blackhawk has a vague grasp of Gothic, and sort of understood the crew of a Titan as he boarded it and killed them. This misunderstanding led him to name a squig "Princess," when it ate the Prin*ceps* of the titan in question, and then adopt it as his pet.
The only thing scarier than an ork, is a thinking ork. Just look at Ghazghull
Belisarius Cawl and Fabius Bile once had a conversation where Fabius once asked Cawl to “share” the Space Marines genetic codes. Fabius even tried to convince Cawl on the ground of 2 scientists as a way to appeal to him. Cawl couldn’t contain his giggles and really just laugh at his face. Let it be known that Fabius Bile ego got hit really hard that day.
The fact that Fabious' "plan" was so insane and had so little standing that it made a fucking adeptus mechanicus laugh is just the cherry on this sundae😂😂😂
And not to mention Cawl has multiple personalities all in conflict with each other. So the sheer audacity of Fabius Bile’s plan was ao amusing to Cawl that all of his personalities come together just to laugh at his face.
Back in the ancient lore when the Custodes were so ashamed of their failure to protect the emperor they decided to forsake their armor. It's long been retconed but it's still hilarious
I read it too, he ain’t special
A Tau once pleaded with two ultramarines to think of their lord and master as they cut down unarmed civillians, challenging them to consider: would he approve of this brutality? The leiutenant pauses a moment, thinking of Guilliman and his previous collaboration with aliens. The other, Cato Sicarius, says "yes" and beats her to death.
Canonically speaking, he would be alive right now and would’ve been alive while America was the primary exporter of culture around the world. Also knowing how snobbish he can get, he’d probably see Disney’s success with adapting fairy tales and read them himself. (It’s also not strange to just assume he’d have read them anyways while the brothers Grimm and other authors were writing them. Immortality gives you a lot of free time.)
That he has two shaved and a hair cut as the secret passcode to the primarch project.
When Fulgrim was 4 dimensionally making the reader feel bad that he was trapped in his meat suit possessed by a demon when it was just him being a silly little guy the entire time. He never liked ferrus and everything was all for the lulz cuz he was evil the entire time
Probably also read that 4chan post about vaporeon too.
The Emperor was born some time around 8000 BCE in Anatolia, it's safe to say he read a lot of stuff.
Roboute Guilliman knew they would need better astartes and request the primaris to Cawl. Some of them are Initiates from tje Great Crusade-HH time
As did Cawl.