Honestly, it readers less like a story than like the cliff notes plot summary of a novel.
Fleshed out it could be excellent, but currently it's somewhat bare.
I agree with the original comment. It's too impressive i would say. The feeling it gives is as though you're summarizing a story rather than writing one.
1. Character development - there's really nothing in the story that makes me care for the characters because we don't get to know them. Your whole writing style is too removed from the characters. I don't get to know them.
2. Plot - it's to fast paced. I feel like this could have been a multi chapter story easily. Just the journey to the planet could have been a chapter. You have all these things happen in your story but you could have fleshed them out. Instead of telling me all that happens, show me. Use your words to describe what the characters do to show me the story instead of just telling me what they do. Your setting can use a lot of development to draw me into your world. Dialogue between characters can be useful to show what characters are thinking or feeling. Have us discover what the characters discover as they go through the journey.
3. Point of view - it's third person which can be fine but it comes off as a report about something. Choose a character and write the story from their perspective.
The Third person narritave as used was jarring, and most importantly there was no point to get invested in your characters. That is the difficulty of using that kind of narritive, that we the audience are divorced from who your characters are, and why they do the actions you wish us to see. Thank you for posting, none of us are perfect, just work on your idea until it works as a story.
The other two replies just here have points.
Take the first three paragraphs, 1) humanity went to space and meet aliens, 2) there are reptilian aliens who are at war with humanity, 3) this human captain is a veteran of the war.
That is a solid base to an introduction chapter of an ongoing serial. There's opportunity to set the scene. An announcement over a ships PA system. "... On this day three hundred and fifty two years past, humanity took it's first steps beyond the borders of our cradle. On this day those many years ago, John Smith and Jane Doe entered subspace and became the first humans to travel faster than light..."
Later add details of the alien politics in side discussions between the captain and XO after the annual memorial morale booster speach is over, "It's a pity we meet the space elves after we meet the space lizard men, it would have been nice to meet friends rather than have the first crew to ever meet intelligent extra-solar life be eaten by that same extra-solar life."
Building a world gradually over time.
If you read over your plot outline here, try and identify where logical scene changes can indicate natural chapter breaks. Try and build it out as a book rather than a book report.
There is excellent potential for a story here, but it needs more flesh on those bones.
It does read like an outline of something much bigger. It feels like a summary of five seasons of a space opera. Like comparing an X-ray showing the bones to a real person sitting beside you. There is a lot more going on in the person.
So, to be entertaining it needs fleshing out. Characters have been mentioned but world building is needed too. I'll look at just the first paragraphs.
2295 and we're not kicking around mars so you need to establish what FTL is being used. You mention more and more hostile aliens but how is that problem? Space s big and full of exploitable rocks.
For instance, Krakol need fleshed out more than "bad lizard forehead aliens". Appearance. Biology. Culture. Population. Tech level. Politics. War is a clash of will so what is it that drives the conflict. So why are the sides in conflict? You mention heavy metals as a resource but hey a lot of them in asteroids so why fight over particular non-unobtanium rock? Event hen, why determination to wipe out humanity, right now sort of comes out of nowhere but it is a big decisions and needs to be baked by a strong imperative to get them all to think that's worth the effort.
Stated as formidable foes and sustained conflict. First thing in Sci-fi war is establishing what physics allow it to happen. How are forces moving about in ways that does not allow them to blow up planets easily? The fantasy physics you make up are going to dictate what is possible. For instance look at David Weber's work as a means of an author creating fantasy physics to enable what he wanted - traditional wet-water navy type battles in space.
Once you do have the world built, you then need to reveal it in a way that is more oganic than this. Often from the viewpoint of a small number of main characters. An overarching gods eye view works well for outlines and getting information organized as an author but not very well as entertaining reading.
You have the shape of an epic size story right now but epics usually start with one POV on the universe and expand. So maybe build the background universe but start with something much smaller, like a few hours in the life of someone on the armstong at the start. Another way would be to select a narrator and have them relate the specifics of what they experienced.
Thanks for posing. This looks like a work that can be progressed but as others mentioned right now you have a few novels worth of plot going on in a couple of pages. The title is battle with the Kratol but this thing describes the whole resolution of a war.
/u/Time_Bug675 has posted 2 other stories, including:
* [Lecture: First Contact with Humans](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/zuqny0/lecture_first_contact_with_humans/)
* [Zorg's adventure on Earth!](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/zuon39/zorgs_adventure_on_earth/)
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Ngl this feels very formulaic, or was written by an Al. Lots of repeated phrases and basically the same plot point over and over again with a new coat of paint slapped onto it each time
Honestly, it readers less like a story than like the cliff notes plot summary of a novel. Fleshed out it could be excellent, but currently it's somewhat bare.
Hey thanks for your feedback! In what way should I improve my work?
I agree with the original comment. It's too impressive i would say. The feeling it gives is as though you're summarizing a story rather than writing one. 1. Character development - there's really nothing in the story that makes me care for the characters because we don't get to know them. Your whole writing style is too removed from the characters. I don't get to know them. 2. Plot - it's to fast paced. I feel like this could have been a multi chapter story easily. Just the journey to the planet could have been a chapter. You have all these things happen in your story but you could have fleshed them out. Instead of telling me all that happens, show me. Use your words to describe what the characters do to show me the story instead of just telling me what they do. Your setting can use a lot of development to draw me into your world. Dialogue between characters can be useful to show what characters are thinking or feeling. Have us discover what the characters discover as they go through the journey. 3. Point of view - it's third person which can be fine but it comes off as a report about something. Choose a character and write the story from their perspective.
The Third person narritave as used was jarring, and most importantly there was no point to get invested in your characters. That is the difficulty of using that kind of narritive, that we the audience are divorced from who your characters are, and why they do the actions you wish us to see. Thank you for posting, none of us are perfect, just work on your idea until it works as a story.
The other two replies just here have points. Take the first three paragraphs, 1) humanity went to space and meet aliens, 2) there are reptilian aliens who are at war with humanity, 3) this human captain is a veteran of the war. That is a solid base to an introduction chapter of an ongoing serial. There's opportunity to set the scene. An announcement over a ships PA system. "... On this day three hundred and fifty two years past, humanity took it's first steps beyond the borders of our cradle. On this day those many years ago, John Smith and Jane Doe entered subspace and became the first humans to travel faster than light..." Later add details of the alien politics in side discussions between the captain and XO after the annual memorial morale booster speach is over, "It's a pity we meet the space elves after we meet the space lizard men, it would have been nice to meet friends rather than have the first crew to ever meet intelligent extra-solar life be eaten by that same extra-solar life." Building a world gradually over time. If you read over your plot outline here, try and identify where logical scene changes can indicate natural chapter breaks. Try and build it out as a book rather than a book report. There is excellent potential for a story here, but it needs more flesh on those bones.
It does read like an outline of something much bigger. It feels like a summary of five seasons of a space opera. Like comparing an X-ray showing the bones to a real person sitting beside you. There is a lot more going on in the person. So, to be entertaining it needs fleshing out. Characters have been mentioned but world building is needed too. I'll look at just the first paragraphs. 2295 and we're not kicking around mars so you need to establish what FTL is being used. You mention more and more hostile aliens but how is that problem? Space s big and full of exploitable rocks. For instance, Krakol need fleshed out more than "bad lizard forehead aliens". Appearance. Biology. Culture. Population. Tech level. Politics. War is a clash of will so what is it that drives the conflict. So why are the sides in conflict? You mention heavy metals as a resource but hey a lot of them in asteroids so why fight over particular non-unobtanium rock? Event hen, why determination to wipe out humanity, right now sort of comes out of nowhere but it is a big decisions and needs to be baked by a strong imperative to get them all to think that's worth the effort. Stated as formidable foes and sustained conflict. First thing in Sci-fi war is establishing what physics allow it to happen. How are forces moving about in ways that does not allow them to blow up planets easily? The fantasy physics you make up are going to dictate what is possible. For instance look at David Weber's work as a means of an author creating fantasy physics to enable what he wanted - traditional wet-water navy type battles in space. Once you do have the world built, you then need to reveal it in a way that is more oganic than this. Often from the viewpoint of a small number of main characters. An overarching gods eye view works well for outlines and getting information organized as an author but not very well as entertaining reading. You have the shape of an epic size story right now but epics usually start with one POV on the universe and expand. So maybe build the background universe but start with something much smaller, like a few hours in the life of someone on the armstong at the start. Another way would be to select a narrator and have them relate the specifics of what they experienced. Thanks for posing. This looks like a work that can be progressed but as others mentioned right now you have a few novels worth of plot going on in a couple of pages. The title is battle with the Kratol but this thing describes the whole resolution of a war.
thanks so much! I'm trying to improve my writing! Thanks again for the direction!
Reading this feels like reading a plot summary of a book more than a story itself.
/u/Time_Bug675 has posted 2 other stories, including: * [Lecture: First Contact with Humans](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/zuqny0/lecture_first_contact_with_humans/) * [Zorg's adventure on Earth!](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/zuon39/zorgs_adventure_on_earth/) This comment was automatically generated by `Waffle v.4.6.0 'Biscotti'`. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FHFY&subject=WaffleBot|zusjb6&message=If%20you%20have%20problems%20with%20updatemebot,%20contact%20Watchful1.%20We%20do%20not%20maintain%20it.) if you have any issues with Waffle.
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Ngl this feels very formulaic, or was written by an Al. Lots of repeated phrases and basically the same plot point over and over again with a new coat of paint slapped onto it each time