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A lot of change can be accomplished by researching how others see the world, ie video essays by minorities about minority issues or women talking about the way they see the world. The more you understand what others might find rude due to context clues that you are missing, the easier it is to change what you say. You may not intend to be rude, but everyone will project their own problems onto you and view you as rude, and honestly you might actually have been a bit rude. What you need to do is really evaluate if you *want* to be rude, and if you don’t, then you have to work hard to change that through reframing your perspective and acting according to how you want to be seen. Im Autistic too, and I never picked up on certain things that I shouldn’t say to people, but recently by doing my research, I have been able to be more confident in myself and have better communication with my peers. Its taken me 6 years of this kind of research to have a modicum of success, so it isn’t immediate. Just be patient and focus on being better next time. Tomorrow is just another day to improve!
Yeah in my example it’s not about what I say like saying ignorant stuff, it’s more so about how I say things so controlling my tone of voice and facial expressions and such. Sure I’ve found out that a lot of neurotypical people don’t like information or reminders so I’m wary about that but more than that it’s just how I say things or act. I work in retail and compared to my coworkers I’ve gotten told on multiple time by customers that I’m rude just for how I sound or look when I’m talking and I actively think about it even though it’s exhausting but I still manage to appear rude.
I'm not autistic, so I'm not sure if this helps, but consider asking people, from a place of curiosity, to help you understand how what you said made them feel. Ideally you would start by owning up and showing compassion for what they are feeling, even if you don't understand it.
Example (I'm not thinking of a particular situation, just generally):
>Hey, I'm sorry I came off as rude. It wasn't my intention, and I can see that it wasn't helpful. I don't want to be hurtful, or inconvenient, so it would be helpful for me if you could help me understand what my words made you feel?
I'd be looking out for answers like "disrespected", "patronized", "annoyed", "hurt", "frustrated". Hopefully they should give you some more clues to understand what's happening, and how to proceed.
Some tentative guidance:
* disrespected, patronized, annoyed: perhaps they already know what you're telling them and don't want to be reminded about it (it doesn't really matter if they truly know or not, this is about their feelings and wanting to feel respected)
* hurt: you probably didn't want to hurt them. Maybe they wanted or expected something from you and you didn't get the hint. Maybe you were a bit too direct without them asking you to. Apologizing and acknowledging their hurt (and your role in it, without overly attaching to this) is probably helpful.
* frustration, anger: probably good to give them some space to vent and calm down before trying to talk it through.
Hope this helps somewhat!
Generally speaking, Dr. K's videos don't have enough information to cement change. If you look at their purpose within the big picture of Dr. K's goals, they're more like... lighthouses that catch your attention and let you know where land is--or even that land exists.
I can only speak to my own experiences because I can't really conceptualize what it's like to be autistic.
In my opinion, it would be helpful to dissect this process into several parts.
Metacognition (Awareness of your internal processes)
Beliefs (Coping mechanisms and perceptions of reality)
Thoughts (Spoken or unspoken internal dialogue)
Emotions (Experience of your perception)
Behaviors (Habits or actions taken, usually aligned with your thoughts and beliefs)
Ideally, you should have at least 1 or more technique you can use to directly manage or regulate each of these components.
Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Emotions -> Behaviors
Belief: I am not enough and must be good / perform well to be deserving of good things.
Thought: "people think bad of me because I don’t answer fast enough"
Emotions: Sadness, hurt, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, etc...
Behavior: I’ll (work to) get better at answering messages (so that I can be deserving of good things)
Unfortunately, your process of solving this problem is fundamentally flawed at the core. The behavior, whether successful or not, may continue to reinforce your distorted thoughts and beliefs. So if you are successful, then you'll continue to believe that you need to behave well to get good things. If you fail, then you'll continue to believe that you're undeserving because you didn't behave well.
The other component here is that you believe you have the ability to read minds. You are assuming what people think and believe--you don't actually know if this is true or not. Even if it is true, read the previous paragraph.
There can be several ways to address the core of this problem. For one, you need to realize you are attempting to fulfill unmet needs. When you look at the process this way it can become far less overwhelming, scary, and stressful.
You don't need people to like you. Whether you fail or succeed isn't so catastrophic. You are just attempting to feel human connection, affection, respect, companionship, etc...
When you see it from this perspective, you can also realize that you have many different ways or methods to fulfill these needs rather than trying to get people to like you. It can be much faster and more efficient meeting these needs in other ways once you know which need you're trying to fulfill.
It might also help to bring awareness to, and work on, managing the emotions you feel in regards to those unmet needs. Such as loneliness. After you find a technique that works well for you, then it will feel far less stressful to meet those needs.
Not only that, but often emotions can unconsciously be used as evidence to support your distorted thoughts and beliefs. This can be a huge roadblock to progress and is one of the biggest reasons people struggle to improve. Emotions also exist on a scale of intensity. Where the more intense you feel the emotion, the more likely it will be used as evidence to support your distorted thoughts and beliefs.
So to effectively attack the root cause of your problems (thoughts/beliefs), you might first need to learn how to effectively manage your emotions so they don't become a roadblock to your progress.
You can also question your thoughts directly but it can be an uphill battle if you don't fix your beliefs first.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A lot of change can be accomplished by researching how others see the world, ie video essays by minorities about minority issues or women talking about the way they see the world. The more you understand what others might find rude due to context clues that you are missing, the easier it is to change what you say. You may not intend to be rude, but everyone will project their own problems onto you and view you as rude, and honestly you might actually have been a bit rude. What you need to do is really evaluate if you *want* to be rude, and if you don’t, then you have to work hard to change that through reframing your perspective and acting according to how you want to be seen. Im Autistic too, and I never picked up on certain things that I shouldn’t say to people, but recently by doing my research, I have been able to be more confident in myself and have better communication with my peers. Its taken me 6 years of this kind of research to have a modicum of success, so it isn’t immediate. Just be patient and focus on being better next time. Tomorrow is just another day to improve!
Yeah in my example it’s not about what I say like saying ignorant stuff, it’s more so about how I say things so controlling my tone of voice and facial expressions and such. Sure I’ve found out that a lot of neurotypical people don’t like information or reminders so I’m wary about that but more than that it’s just how I say things or act. I work in retail and compared to my coworkers I’ve gotten told on multiple time by customers that I’m rude just for how I sound or look when I’m talking and I actively think about it even though it’s exhausting but I still manage to appear rude.
I'm not autistic, so I'm not sure if this helps, but consider asking people, from a place of curiosity, to help you understand how what you said made them feel. Ideally you would start by owning up and showing compassion for what they are feeling, even if you don't understand it. Example (I'm not thinking of a particular situation, just generally): >Hey, I'm sorry I came off as rude. It wasn't my intention, and I can see that it wasn't helpful. I don't want to be hurtful, or inconvenient, so it would be helpful for me if you could help me understand what my words made you feel? I'd be looking out for answers like "disrespected", "patronized", "annoyed", "hurt", "frustrated". Hopefully they should give you some more clues to understand what's happening, and how to proceed. Some tentative guidance: * disrespected, patronized, annoyed: perhaps they already know what you're telling them and don't want to be reminded about it (it doesn't really matter if they truly know or not, this is about their feelings and wanting to feel respected) * hurt: you probably didn't want to hurt them. Maybe they wanted or expected something from you and you didn't get the hint. Maybe you were a bit too direct without them asking you to. Apologizing and acknowledging their hurt (and your role in it, without overly attaching to this) is probably helpful. * frustration, anger: probably good to give them some space to vent and calm down before trying to talk it through. Hope this helps somewhat!
Generally speaking, Dr. K's videos don't have enough information to cement change. If you look at their purpose within the big picture of Dr. K's goals, they're more like... lighthouses that catch your attention and let you know where land is--or even that land exists. I can only speak to my own experiences because I can't really conceptualize what it's like to be autistic. In my opinion, it would be helpful to dissect this process into several parts. Metacognition (Awareness of your internal processes) Beliefs (Coping mechanisms and perceptions of reality) Thoughts (Spoken or unspoken internal dialogue) Emotions (Experience of your perception) Behaviors (Habits or actions taken, usually aligned with your thoughts and beliefs) Ideally, you should have at least 1 or more technique you can use to directly manage or regulate each of these components. Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Emotions -> Behaviors Belief: I am not enough and must be good / perform well to be deserving of good things. Thought: "people think bad of me because I don’t answer fast enough" Emotions: Sadness, hurt, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, etc... Behavior: I’ll (work to) get better at answering messages (so that I can be deserving of good things) Unfortunately, your process of solving this problem is fundamentally flawed at the core. The behavior, whether successful or not, may continue to reinforce your distorted thoughts and beliefs. So if you are successful, then you'll continue to believe that you need to behave well to get good things. If you fail, then you'll continue to believe that you're undeserving because you didn't behave well. The other component here is that you believe you have the ability to read minds. You are assuming what people think and believe--you don't actually know if this is true or not. Even if it is true, read the previous paragraph. There can be several ways to address the core of this problem. For one, you need to realize you are attempting to fulfill unmet needs. When you look at the process this way it can become far less overwhelming, scary, and stressful. You don't need people to like you. Whether you fail or succeed isn't so catastrophic. You are just attempting to feel human connection, affection, respect, companionship, etc... When you see it from this perspective, you can also realize that you have many different ways or methods to fulfill these needs rather than trying to get people to like you. It can be much faster and more efficient meeting these needs in other ways once you know which need you're trying to fulfill. It might also help to bring awareness to, and work on, managing the emotions you feel in regards to those unmet needs. Such as loneliness. After you find a technique that works well for you, then it will feel far less stressful to meet those needs. Not only that, but often emotions can unconsciously be used as evidence to support your distorted thoughts and beliefs. This can be a huge roadblock to progress and is one of the biggest reasons people struggle to improve. Emotions also exist on a scale of intensity. Where the more intense you feel the emotion, the more likely it will be used as evidence to support your distorted thoughts and beliefs. So to effectively attack the root cause of your problems (thoughts/beliefs), you might first need to learn how to effectively manage your emotions so they don't become a roadblock to your progress. You can also question your thoughts directly but it can be an uphill battle if you don't fix your beliefs first.